 Lucky Strike presents the Jack Benny program, but first here's an important message from the National Tobacco Tax Research Council. Smokers next time you buy cigarettes, remember that over 800,000 tobacco farm families thank you for contributing to their support. And remember also that you help support your government, federal, state and local. When you buy a pack of cigarettes, the federal government gets 8 cents. Most local and state governments get 3 or 4 cents more. That's better than a 50% tax on every cigarette you smoke. Yes, in buying cigarettes, over half your packs go for tax. And now the Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, get better taste, be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. Friends, seeing is believing and you yourself can see that luckies are made better to taste better. Just take a Lucky Strike and any other cigarette and carefully remove the paper from both by tearing down the seam from end to end. In tearing, be very careful not to disturb the tobacco inside the paper. Now look for the difference. Look at that perfect cylinder of fine mild tobacco taken from the Lucky. See how round and firm and fully packed it is with long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco. See how free the Lucky is of annoying loose ends that spoil the taste. This is your proof. Lucky's are made better to taste better, to taste fresh and clean and smooth. No doubt about it, Lucky's taste better. So to enjoy the fresh, clean taste of fine tobacco, be happy, go lucky. Make your next carton Lucky Strike. Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dentist Day, and yours truly, Donald. Ladies and gentlemen, since Jack has been in television, he wants to keep his weight down. At the moment, he's at his home in Beverly Hills in a steam cabinet trying to reduce. Rochester, I can stand it a little hotter. Turn up the steam, will you? Yes, sir. That's enough. Not too hot. Gee, I'm glad I bought this steam cabinet. How long have I been in here? About 10 minutes. I hope you're not taking too much. Well, what do the instructions say? Let's see. I'll read them. Men up to 20 years old stay in cabinet not more than a half hour. A half hour? Men up to 25 years no more than 20 minutes. 20 minutes? Men up to 30 years of age no more than 15 minutes. 15. Men up to mm, mm, mm, mm. Mm-mm about. According to this chart, I should have just dipped you in like a T-Bag. No, stop. She's awfully hot in this cabinet. I think I'll get out. I better not open it for a couple of minutes. Boy, haven't I had enough? Yeah, but you didn't want to waste it. Well... I was just trying to economize that so anyway, it's too hot open it up. Well, I'm getting out. Yes, sir She's good to get out of here. Oh, I'm afraid the heat was on a little too high Why am I red boss? If you had a pitchfork in your hand, you'd scare me to death. I have me my robe Rochester. Yes I'll get it Hello, the reason I call is that Wednesday. I'm giving a little party at my house And I want to know if you can come. Well, certainly Mary. Thanks. Who else are you having? Well, I'm gonna ask the whole cast of our show your producer your writers and also your my my writers Yes, I thought you might like to have them there. Why you want to be the life of the party, don't you? Oh Yes, yes, they are funny-looking Well, I better hang up. I've got a lot of people to call bye Jack along Mary and thanks a Rochester next Wednesday night. Miss Livingston is giving a party. So I won't Rochester Rochester here. I am boss. Where were you? I heard the postman. So I went to get the mail Oh, what came just some bill circular and your copy of look magazine. Oh, let me see it Hey Rochester Rochester, there's a picture of you and me on the cover on the cover of look. Let me see it boss. Yeah Magazine and couldn't afford to buy it Uninstallment plan Entallment what would that be? My fault if you saved your Rochester see who that is while I finish getting dressed. Yes, sir You don't be garbage is a pleasure to greet such a fine broth of a lad on this day the likes of which I haven't seen in years. How do you do? How do you do? Rochester, it ain't Mr. Kitzel To the son of the old side himself Dennis Patrick. I love wishes Jeremiah McNulty or day. Oh Oh, come on in Dennis and look kid tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. Aren't you a little early with your bro? No, I'm practicing. I'll have to talk like this all day tomorrow You have to talk like that all day. Yeah, you don't they rip off your shamrock take a chilele and break all your motton Downey records Well, you know Dennis I've always thought that St. Patrick's Day comes at the wrong time of the year Yeah, what do you mean? Well, how can March 17th be dedicated to the wearing of the green? When only two days before the government takes it all away from Now Dennis, let's stop talking. Just let me hear the song you're going to do on the program. Yes, sir Hello, hello Jack, this is Mary again. Oh, what is it Mary? Well, I call Dennis's house to invite him to my party and his mother told me he's at your house Is he there? Yes Dennis Mary wants you on the phone. Yeah, these dames. They won't let me alone Never mind just talk to her. Yes, sir. Hello, Mary. Hello, Dennis Look, I'm having a party on Wednesday night. Would you like to come on Wednesday? Yes Do you mind if I bring my neighbor Hedy Lamar? Your neighbor Hedy Lamar. Yeah, Dennis I happen to know Hedy Lamar lives in Benedict Canyon and you live in Westwood. Oh, yeah Hedy Lamar's house is right next to mine since when ever since the rain Right Dennis bring anyone who floats by Thanks, Mary. Goodbye. Bye Say mr.. Benny when I go to Mary's party, I'm gonna Hello Dennis, I forgot to tell you something what don't drive Jack nuts. Just sing your song Okay Dennis quiet. I'm gonna sing. Oh It's still run down to Johnny Cole. It's so good. How about a raise this on second thought instead of singing Like a more on the program. Why don't you sing the song I wrote when you say I beg your pardon Then I'll come back to you. I'd sell any copies, but it sure gets rid of pests Rochester. Yes, boy. I'm awfully hungry. What does my diet say I can have for lunch a piece of rye, Chris That's all I'm supposed to eat for lunch. No, you just feel it for lunch. You eat it for dinner I haven't sakes. That's the strictest diet. I have Come in but Jackson What's the matter Phil you sound depressed? Yeah, I just came back from the doctor The doctor what's wrong? Well a couple of weeks ago. I became allergic to something and I broke out from the rash on my back It's just something awful. Oh That's a shame. Yeah, so I went to the doctor and every day has been testing me to find out what I'm allergic to and Today found out alcohol Rid of the search is to stop drinking entirely. Oh Well, what are you gonna do grow long fingernails? I'm in for a lot of scratches the way Jackson. I've been meaning to tell you I Saw you on TV last weekend and you look wonderful. Well, thanks Phil, but I don't deserve all the credit I had the best makeup man in the country. Oh really? Yes He's the same one who made a president Truman for his last television speech Yeah, hold it a minute Why would president Truman want to use makeup Phil if you were asking for eight billion dollars? You'd want to look good, too Alice would give it to me regardless. Oh, what is it now Mary? Well? I call Phil's house and nobody answered and I was wondering if he's over there. Yes. He is just a second Phil is for you It's Mary. Oh, I'd like you and Alice to come. Yeah, okay, Liv. We'll be there Hey, say you want me to bring my orchestra boys along too. No no Phil. I haven't got room for 36 more people Way me 36. I only got 18 fellas in my band. Yeah, what about their parole officers? Almost forgot about them cats. Please bring Remly. No, Sammy my drummer. No, now wait a minute I've got to bring at least one of my boys. Why somebody's got to scratch my back I don't know what you're talking about But if you're back it just can't just scratch it yourself. No, I'll be using both hands to pour the stuff That makes it in Child be there live 30 Mary invite you to party to a Phil. Yeah, your lunch is ready. Mr. Benny. Oh, thanks, Rochester Hey Jackson, I'm kind of hungry. I think I'll stay and have some lunch with you. Oh Oh, you want to eat here When you say I beg your pardon. Yeah, I mustn't forget my own melody What about my lunch Rochester sure not gonna stick to that silly diet. I want something to eat and I'm not gonna worry Come in Don since you brought the sportsman with you I suppose you want to hear the want me to hear the commercial they're gonna do. Oh, yes, Jack You'll be proud of this one. We stayed up all night and really came up with something sensational. Well, good good But don I had a number I wanted the boys to do a commercial on you know that new song called cry Cry while they're singing be happy go lucky. I ought to slap your face Well down what's the song you have prepared well since tomorrow st. Patrick's day We're going to a medley of iris songs. Oh, that's fine. Who gave you the idea Dennis. Okay. Let's hear it boys I'd like you and the sportsman to make a commercial out of the song I wrote When you say I beg you Gosh, I'm hungry these diets are murder. I'm gonna eat something. Oh, Rochester Rochester come here a minute will you? Yeah, I'm really hungry. What's in the refrigerator Dennis Dave In there for a while. I don't want to hear his explanation of how it happened Anyway, Rochester just make me a sandwich out of What why are you staring out the window? those two men Those two men across the street They just stepped off the curb and they're coming this way. We're from the income tax department Yeah, you're the same men who were here last year Come in your name is Is mr. Kearns isn't it? Yes, and this is my assistant mr. Wright, right? How do you do a gentleman if you've come about my income tax? I've already sent it in. Oh, mr. Benny, we're not here to discuss this year's taxes. We'd like to talk to you again about last year's Last year's I thought that was settled. We went over it so many times then when I didn't hear from you again, I Assumed that nothing was wrong. I thought that everything was right. How do you do? Mr. Benny, we're still trying to help you help me and we feel that you must have made a mistake in your last year's return The mistake yes, we can't understand how a man who earned over $300,000 could only spend $17 for entertainment all I spent I can prove it to you Rochester get my books out of my desk drawer. Yes, there's no need I'm gonna prove it to you for once and for all but mr. Benny this drawing on the left. No the right. How do you do? Mr. Benny no one shouts at a tax collector I'm sorry mr. Benny believe me. We're here to help you. I know I know Yes, we don't think you're taking full advantage of deductible items. I'm not here your books boss Thanks, I'll take your butler for instance. You mean Rochester? Yes Even though he's your butler if he assists you in any way pertaining to the production of your radio or television shows or Any of your other business activities then that portion of his pay is deductible You mean yes in other words under those conditions you could split his salary split my salary Yes, gentlemen, they split infinities and they split the atom, but I defy anybody to split myself Rochester, this is no time adjust the moment mr. Benny Rochester, are you inferring that your salary is that small? Well in Santa Anita colonialism It starts off pretty good, but something always happens to it coming around the far turn Mr. Benny sits me down explains how he has to make certain deductions out of my salary so much for withholding So much for unemployment insurance and so much for social security Then he further explains that what remains is known as take-home pay. That's right. Take-home pay Then he points out that I'm living at his home, so he takes it Mr. Benny is that right? How do you do? Mr. Benny, I just looked in the book that Rochester brought you and there's an item that interests me Which item is that? Oh, this one here income from violin engagement approximately three dollars Yes, I filled in that entry myself, but why is it approximately three dollars? Well, I was playing my violin at the opening of a butcher shop and they gave me two pounds of meat They gave you two pounds of meat for playing your violin. They didn't give it to him somebody hit him with a round steak What's the difference that brings up a point mr. Benny if you risk revenue playing your violin Then the money you spend on its upkeep and repair is deductible. It is. Yes, you see mr. Benny We're trying to help I know For instance, mr. Benny how many strings do you buy for your violin rosin pegs bridges repairing your bow and so forth? Well, I don't know you see I get everything through my violin teacher He keeps track of all that well in that case in order to help you would you mind if we talk to your violin teacher? No, no not at all. His name is professor LeBlanc. His address is sixty two twelve. I'm an avenue It's on the other side of town. We'll find it. Come on Joe Well, Bill there it is sixty two twelve I'm an avenue. Yeah, what a run-down looking Roman house. Let's go in Oh, here's his room professor LeBlanc violin teacher. Yeah Professor LeBlanc we we're from the income tax department income tax income tax See for yourself. I am barefoot. My clothes are torn professor. I sleep on a hard Yes, we're here to talk to you about one of your pupils. Uh, mr. Benny About mr. Benny come in come in perhaps I can help you send him to the Bastille We just want to find out how much money mr. Benny spent on his violin Money don't you have any books? Oh, we I have written three books about mr. Benny, but the publishers would not believe them No, no, we mean records financial records. We want to know what What expenses mr. Benny's incurred in the upkeep of his violin? Oh that I do not know I just charge him so much for the lesson and that includes everything. Oh, well, perhaps we could break that down How much do you charge him for the lesson? Well, he is supposed to give me two dollars But before every lesson mr. Benny sits me down and explains how he has to make certain deductions out of my salary So much for withholding so much for unemployment insurance and so much for social security Then he further explains that what remains is known as take come on bill. We've heard this before Thank you professor LeBlanc. Yeah, you're welcome gentlemen. Oh by the way, professor We've never heard mr. Benny play the violin. How does he sound? sound Well, gentlemen, let me explain the strings on a violin are made of cat goat and the violin bow is made from horse hair So if you want to know how much of Benny violin playing sounds think of a cat being stepped on by a horse Yes, we understand. Well, goodbye professor LeBlanc. Goodbye gentlemen. This trouble just to help mr. Benny I don't know. There's something about those big blue eyes that gets you and you can see for yourself clearly and beyond any doubt That luckies are made better to taste better Carefully remove the paper from a lucky strike by tearing down the seam from end to end in tearing be very careful Not to disturb the tobacco inside the paper then gently lift out the cylinder of fresh clean fine tobacco Now in exactly the same way remove the tobacco from any other cigarette Compare it with a perfect cylinder of fine mild tobacco taken from the lucky See how round and firm and fully packed the lucky is with long strands of fresh clean good tasting tobacco See how free the lucky is of excessive air spaces hot spots that burn harsh and dry There is your proof that luckies are made better to taste better to taste fresh and clean and smooth Remember in a cigarette. It's the taste that makes the difference So to enjoy the fresh clean taste of fine tobacco be happy go lucky make your next carton lucky strike