 Yeah, yeah, first of all, I wanted to say thank you because you're making this happen Because I didn't know one day ago that I'm gonna be here at World Camp Nijmegen on stage So thank you first of all for voting for my talk It is particularly close to my heart So I am gonna talk today about how you can turn rejection into an opportunity for personal growth And yeah, let's start So some words about me. My name is Carol and I am currently living in Germany I am originally from small country called Luxembourg. You might know it. I'm 37 years old I am the WordPress community manager for Plask and I'm a World Camp organizer myself And I sometimes call myself WordPress community drunkie. I'm very passionate about this community and Topics I specifically care for I are a diversity inclusion mental health and awareness for these topics in general So the short story of my crazy ride in the WordPress community If you want to hear the long story There might be some talks available at WordPress TV because I was sharing about this community inspired me to change my life At a few word camps before So I actually got involved into this community more or less as a plus one because I am married to a WordPress developer And I didn't know what WordPress was two years ago and since then I had a crazy ride I I Visited my first word camp which was World Camp Europe in Vienna 2016 and then I quickly became a word camp volunteer Speaker and MC an organizer and I completely changed my life and I build a better life Thanks to the community who inspired me and showed me ways to to do so so More or less a year ago. I found Let's say Plask found me so they gave me the chance to Continue to do what I love being around the community visit word camps as their WordPress community ambassador and I am very aware that I'm in a privileged situation because I am allowed to spend a considerable amount of my work time to contribute to this project and I couldn't be happier about that so This was only in the past two years and sometimes things went so fast that I literally overtook myself and I wasn't able to follow what's happening with me and it's going on around me and There are still a lot of doubts. I have doubts and insecurities and even fears I have to deal with so like for example being on stage and My computer doesn't do what I want to do This is interesting Yeah, that's a problem So, let me just check It's going on here and this connection another fear I have to deal with Yeah, actually since two years I am wondering how can I find my place in an IT community and an IT community as a non-technical female person so This despite of all the goodwill and the sympathy and the empathy and the support I get from this community I sometimes struggle with imposter syndrome So does everybody in this room know what imposter syndrome is and my next question would be who of you is struggling with imposter syndrome? Yes, that's pretty much what I expected So What's what's to stop me from finding my place in this community? One one answer is imposter syndrome I sometimes feel like a fraud and I have a very nice example for this a funny one because we are in the Netherlands again So I'm going to share this with you last year at Woodkamp-Wietrecht. I attended a talk by Marike van der Racht about SEO and sometimes I feel That bad way being a fraud that I didn't even dare to attend a session because somebody might find out I'm not a technical person so I Attended her talk and I was able to understand everything and I learned that it was interesting And I was very happy and then the lead organizer came back on stage and said so we have finished now for today and now it's time for borrels and There was a completely random person sitting next to me and she said oh Do you like borrels and I was I'm sorry. I'm not a technical person Everybody around was just laughing like you did and then I was like oh Borrels yes, I know what borrels are so does anybody don't know what borrels are I think everybody knows really Netherlands so borrels are like drinks and small snacks Which you are having like in the early evening Yeah, you're gonna you're gonna find out very soon because I think we're gonna have borrels today Yeah, you're not a technical person So So that that's how sometimes imposter syndrome can Can make itself seen in a very funny way So yeah, there's a lot of insecurity going with it like am I good enough and also do I deserve what I have? And sometimes I got even told that I don't deserve what I have even inside in this community Which is actually not very helpful, but hey, we are all human beings So also, I am totally out of my comfort zone as not being a technical person and I am pretty open about When it comes to mental health issues, I have to deal with myself. So In the other talk I was talking about before I openly share that I struggle with depressions for more or less like two decades and sometimes there are good periods in my life and sometimes there are After depressive episodes, which are harder to deal with so and all these are things that Yeah, that that make me ask and wonder about the question. How can I find my place and everything in the end Leads to the overarching question to the overarching fear of getting rejected. So this is the thing that I That I I think I am most afraid of Besides insecurities and doubts I have to deal with I might have also some skills and qualities Which I am also aware. So I'd need most of the time So I think that I'm Supportive and empowering towards the people around me. At least that's what I try to be I have I think that when I'm doing something it is because I am passionate about so I My my my passion and drive is like very strong when I'm accepting to be part of a project I am high performer. So sometimes I don't even care about my own mental health when it comes to performance But if there is that has to get done, I make it get done Yeah, stop, thank you that yeah, you know, I'm not native English speaker. That's why sometimes I might confuse words so also, I think I have a strong organizing and leading skills and I have values I care for and which I speak up for and I Will never stop speaking up about the values that are important to me when I think that they are not considered it or respected So very recently I had to deal with my biggest fear After having put a lot of energy and passion and effort into the organization of wood computer This year in Belgrade. I applied to become an organizer again for next year and I got rejected I Applied with the suggestion to create an awareness team because it's an event that hosts more than 2,000 people at the moment and Even if we are in a community that particularly cares For values like inclusion equality diversity accessibility and everything else that is bound to the code of conduct There's still things that we can improve inside and outside the organizing team so and this project got a lot of positive feedback and In the end the globally organizer decided not to proceed with the idea Which is in my opinion the wrong decision But still it is a decision that a globally organizer has the right to take So it is something I and all the people involved have to deal with The big problem about this was that the communication was quite poor Let's say the way I got notified about me being rejected as an organizer was in a very unfortunate manner But I'm not going to go into details because it's not a topic about it's not a topic of this talk But I am pretty open about it. So if you want to learn more you can just ping me later What was important is that I had to find out about the reasons so Getting rejected is one thing but not knowing why is horrible at least to me. So I had a hard time to find out what the reasons are and Then I managed to have a call with with the people who actually rejected me and I got told that I am Very passionate about what I do and that I deliver excellent results, but all this might make other people around me feel uncomfortable and So that could be a problem and that I would not be the best fit for a team or for that team in particular so I Don't know if there are other reasons and I don't want to judge about that But this is what I got told and this is what I had to work with. So I decided to work on what I got told But before it ended up with a mental breakdown, which was not so funny but because of all the things I told you before you might understand that The rejection itself and also the reason that I got told I had some time. I needed some time to digest it so I Was thinking a lot about the reasons that I got told and I found out that my attitude my behavior my Performance might indeed be problematic for volunteer driven projects so as I told you before I'm in a Privilege situation so I can Absolute I am I am able to to contribute considerable amount considerable amount of my work time Into word camp organization or into other word-presolated projects And I am who I am so that means that I have some expectations about my own performance And yes that can make other people around feel uncomfortable So what can I learn here? I started on asking myself what are my overarching goals? Is there something In in in this project or in the idea I pitched or Related in any way that is so important to me that I would consider changing my attitude changing my behavior changing my expectations for my own performance and if yes That it is about time to adapt because This is totally unrelated of the night of the of the naughty question about right or wrong or if the reasons are right or wrong if there's no overarching goal and The result is that you're getting rejected in being part of that project. It is kind of bound to My own behavior. So if I want to achieve that goal, I have to adapt my behavior And if not I need to adapt my goals Another thing I was thinking about a lot is are there other projects or roles inside projects? That would fit more the skills that I have to offer the attitude that I have and This can be inside or outside this community. So this is another way to deal with it and yes, there are and The last reason why I would like to or why I would even consider to change my own behavior my attitude about this thing it would be for my own mental health because of all the insecure because of all the Securities I have to deal with I think that I am tending to think that I have to deliver more than excellent results To just to hide that I have to deal with these insecurities and that somebody else might find out So that might be indeed something that leads to an overachieving person so despite So now I need to take my computer because I want to read that so despite of all things I can learn here and which I am glad to learn here. There is a lot in the message I got which I'm not okay with because yeah, I think it's kind of dubious and disputable because I literally got told stop being awesome so two Days after my rejection I wrote a manifesto and it helped me so much to get some things out of my system and I want to share it with you because I think it's a strong message and I am pretty convinced that other people in this room had to deal with rejections before before even I did so What is not about me? I will not take the responsibility for other people's insecurities lack of time energy or passion for a project This is about them and not about me. I Will not lower my drive or what I expect of my own performance because other people cannot keep up or follow This is also about them and not about me I do apologize sincerely and from the bottom of my heart if I have actively put pressure on teammates or colleagues for no reason I Do not apologize for being efficient reaching individual goals and goals set for the team Delivering excellent results and managing to respect deadlines if this might make teammates feel bad about their own performance Again, this is about them and not about me. I Will never apologize for being more passionate about what I do than other people are Because I stopped doing things that I'm not passionate about for a good reason and There's no such thing as being too passionate about what you do But yes, there are teams you will fit in with this attitude and teams you won't fit in If my attitude makes me bad fit for a team then the best scenario For myself in particular is not to be part of it And I refuse to accept negative feedback about my performance or attitude after a long-time project We're not having heard one single word of constructive criticism in all that time or at the project's end And I will not stop speaking up and setting boundaries if this is necessary to make me feel safe and Sending up for the moral values that are important to me and Last but not least and most important. I will not be suppressed to make others feel better. Oh My god Thank you Also Also after a lot of conversations I had In the last two weeks, I truly wonder by now if I would have been told the exact same reasons If I was not a woman what a man think about it So Let's come back to the more Positive stuff I managed to set my focus again In the right direction. So I put you quote here. You only grow by coming to the end of something and by beginning something else I Found out that so I Unfortunately, I cannot tell you that there is a way that the rejection doesn't feel terrible at first moment because I think it feels Always terrible, but I found out I Survived I survived this was my biggest fear and I'm still here and I'm here on stage sharing that with you So that's cool. I am still here and it enabled me to focus on what is important and on what I have already achieved During that crazy right. I had in this community. I always felt like Yeah, it has to go in the exact same Temple Speed thank you in the exact same speed and I always was looking for what is the next possible bigger step So I didn't see that There is actually no reason for that because I have achieved already so much and I have found friends in this community I have an amazing job. I have a certain kind of disability and outreach and So what is that? What is there that I would have to prove and Also, I asked myself why it is important for me to be part of the organizer team Of the of the WP of the word camp Europe organizer team. I like organizing word camps. Yes. It is it important? Not sure Being part of that particular team is actually not important to me because of Every of literally everything I told you like one minute before I have already achieved so much which other people for a reason Try to get to become part of that team because they want to increase the visibility. They want to increase their outreach They might want to have different professional job opportunities or they might want to have One at all or they might want to change What they are doing at the moment. So I have that already. I'm not in need And if I want to continue to organize awesome events, I don't need to work in Europe either I can do it on a smaller scale. I can do that with other teams. I can even Go and find or set up a team where I'm about a fit for so there's absolutely no reason why I Have to be on that specific team on that particular team So I have what I have actually because I am who I am and I'm good enough So I don't see sorry, but I don't see anything Or any reason why I would want to change who I am The good thing is also I have so I have I have less stress now so I can look forward to the next World Cup Europe and Just be there with the with the team that's going to send me over there Have fun meet all the lovely people that I want to see without having to run around Like a fool and work all day So this is not the worst situation that you can have at a word camp, right after organize us inside here So and also I found I found out that there are new project Opportunities on the rock on the horizon so I have ideas in my head and I have also already other projects Which I'm working on and which I'm particularly looking forward and for example Speaking here at the moment. It's also something I didn't I didn't want to speak this year I thought what do I have to share? Thank you. I have something to share Coming back to the question I I was wondering about initially I found out in the past two or three weeks where when I when I had to deal with this rejection and in the beginning I thought oh my god the community hates me. This is the end of the world I found out that there are so many people around who are Actively supporting me who give me amazing feedback who who helped me in a considerable Considerable amount to reset my focus into the direct into the right direction And I'm so thankful and grateful for that I Got honest and valuable feedback about myself about projects I am involved in and I had so many inspiring conversations that I cannot even count them and There were even people standing up for me and and I like hey I'm gonna fight for you and there were also people encouraging me to give this talk and Only by facing my biggest fear I found out I have already found my place inside this community So what can you all do to deal? To to better deal with rejections in the future Yeah, first advice try to find out about the reasons I am totally aware that it's not always possible because there might be people who are not telling you anything about the reasons They reject you but try to find out and try harder to find out and when if it's not going if you're not gonna find out anything then unfortunately, there will be no way to find out but if You manage to get some answers about why you got rejected. There is always something you can learn of and You have to make the difference about what is about you and what can you learn from it and What is not about you because what is not about you is well not about you and Try to ask yourself. Why is this particular project relationship? partnership Business opportunity, why is it so important to you and if it is important to you What is the overarching goal if it's not important to you? It's great because you have not been involved into any project or relationship that is not worth your time If it is important to you, what is the overarching goal and if you find out about the overarching goal Adapt or set new goals. I can promise you There's always a good outcome about any word every rejection because everything happens for a reason but only if we are willing to give it a reason and Last but not least and most importantly speak about rejection and how you feel you can see gonna You're gonna find out there are a lot of people around you who experienced similar situations And you're gonna be able to support you who gonna be able to give you honest feedback which will allow you to go on an introspective Journey and make the best of it. You are not alone and this even hashtag I discovered that two days after the rejection by coincidence, which is share your rejections so I Am not a hundred percent sure yet about What is going to be final outcome for me for having been a part of the organizer team of what can be Europe this year? But I can tell you that I'm going to make something good out of it and what can Europe has always been a turning point for me in 2016 it was the first we were came I ever visited in 2017 plus found me and Into 2018 I had a blast of a time during the organization and next year I'm looking already forward to it. I'm going to be an attendee and enjoy it as much as I can and I survived I am still here I'm gonna be stronger than ever because I found my inner lion and I thank you so much for listening to me speaker notes are Really helpful when you have them