 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of johnathanasley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the seven questions to ask them before become exclusive. All right, really quickly if you're brand new to my YouTube channel please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video the content resonates with you please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance a sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions by no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations. All right, let's get started into those seven questions to ask a guy before become exclusive. And really quickly, this is your warning. This video is only for people who are looking for a serious, fully committed partnership type of relationship. If you're seeking casual, this isn't casual relationship this video isn't for you. All right, so really quickly before I jump into this I wanna share with you a conversation I was having with someone this morning about arranged marriages, arranged marriages. And she was asking me, why do you think arranged marriages are so successful or at least have been perceived as being successful? And I've heard in some cases they're not and yet in many cases they seem to be more successful. So I thought, what was the reason for this? And it seems to me in the countries that do have arranged marriages a couple of things are occurring. First off, usually both families know each other to some degree, they know each other. There's a sense of familiarity. Most likely they come from relatively the same communities. So they have a support system around them. That's just a name too. Number three, and this was the one that really was the one I was leaning on is they were both basically they had to wait till sex to have marriage or excuse me, have marriage before sex. So they were fully committed with each other when they began their relationship. I'm gonna repeat that they were fully committed to each other when they began their relationship. And today, we are in a situation of dating where it's so casual, there's so many hookups. There's these starts and stops. There's all these situations of ghostings. There's situationships. There's friends with benefits. And I believe here in the United States in particular we are seeing now the emotional effects the emotional effects of this repetitive dating process that quite frankly didn't exist 10 years ago the way it is today. And I'd say even in the last five years because of swipe dating, I think swipe applications has literally bastardized the getting to know you process. But let me come back to those arranged marriages because I said something. Their families knew each other and most likely their friends knew each other. There was a level of accountability in their relationship that doesn't exist in today's relationships. I'm gonna repeat that level of accountability. You know the reason why it's so easy to ghost someone? There's nobody to give you shit for it. Literally these days we are meeting total strangers in the dating process. We're meeting total strangers. So what happens is if you decide never to call someone back, who's gonna give you a shit for it? Who's gonna get on your case? Not your family, not your friends, nobody's getting, because listen, all of you know I'm your big brother. If I could be there on a first date I'd have the shotgun ready and pointed at the guy's face saying what are your intentions with my little sister? There's a level of intentionality that used to be in the dating process that doesn't exist anymore. There's literally, it's such an ambiguous process. And most dating advice is stuck on all these bullshit rules and bullshit rhetoric that makes it even more, it makes it increasingly harder for you to actually connect with a human being at a heart-centered level. I'm gonna talk about that in a moment. But I wanna lean into the seven questions you should ask them because I'm a big believer now in approaching relationships from a monogamous exclusive perspective. I'm gonna repeat that, a monogamous exclusive perspective. What I mean to say is if you're going to, just think about the arranged marriage. One of the things I said was they were already in a committed relationship. Now, I'm not suggesting that you become in a fully committed relationship with the person you meet on a first, second or third date. No, I'm not suggesting the one bit. What I am suggesting though is maybe a commitment to the process of getting to know one another, given that it takes about 100 hours of face-to-face time just to reach the first layer of trust, the first layer of trust. Why not go in it without the gender role expectations? And by the way, if you're not familiar with the book, if the Buddha dated, I highly recommend reading this book. It throws out all the gender roles expectations and say, how can we get to know each other at a heart-centered level? How can we get to know each other at a heart-centered level? How can we get to know each other at a level of more intentionality, of co-creativeness? That's my invitation for everyone, because as I said earlier, we're meeting total strangers when we know nothing about a person. It's so easy for them to actually hurt us because they're already gone. Or worse, they can deceive us. Because we, by the way, think of the people that don't even have a social media footprint, let alone the people that vomit all their shit on social media. By the way, if you're not familiar with the book by Malcolm Gladwell talking to strangers, I highly recommend checking out this book. By the way, all the books I recommend or most all the books I recommend are in the link below under Jonathan recommends books in the description. Folks, what you need to know about the people you don't know, this cavalier dating process all centered around sex and romance is setting you up for failure. In fact, I think casual sex now is the primary reason why we have a dysfunctional dating process today. I want you to think about this. Roughly, for hundreds of thousands of years, women used to pay a price for casual sex. And that was in the form of a baby. What I mean by pay a price is if you have sex with somebody you're not mated with, you're literally, you may have a baby that you have to take care of yourself. It wasn't until the birth control pill that everything changed for women. And by the way, I'm not here to criticize, I'm not at four against the birth control pill. What I am saying is because of the birth control pill, we now have casual sex, which means casual relationships, which means hookup relationships. And I just started reading a book you may wanna check out called The Evolution of Desire. I just started reading this, The Strategies of Human Mating by David Busse. And even as a chapter on casual sex. And one was the interesting thing about this chapter, I'll just show you really quickly. Is they went on a college campus in Florida and asked a hundred women, would you have sex with a guy on a first meeting? And they said, no. They asked a hundred men, would you have sex with a woman on a first meeting? And 75 of them said, yes. We are literally in a, I mean, what can we glean from that? It's already what we already know. Men hyper focus on sex. This is why I've said this before and I'll say it again. Men are the gas, women are the brakes. And ladies, before the penis goes inside the vagina, you may wanna read the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Because look, again, I told you this video is for those who are seeking a serious relationship and partnership and not something casual. Because it's incumbent upon you to now do what's known as hardballing, hardballing. This is my recommendation for you. Take it for what it worth. This may sound puritan advice, but this is in your favor because of birth control. It's made it so easy for men to have casual sex without, by the way, without any repercussions because there isn't a nine month delivery charge later, that means you have to take care of maybe a baby and the other person. And I think it's really important to understand this. Again, if you want casual sex, knock yourself out. I'm okay with that. I'm just here speaking to those that are looking for something more. So let's talk about those seven questions to ask them before you get exclusive. Bump, bump, bump. All right. By the way, is this making sense? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know by posting a comment saying this is resonating with you so far. So these are for both men and women to ask. This isn't singular for women. Men, listen, ladies, what you ask the men, you should be asking yourself or at least volunteering the information yourself as well. And the first one is going to be a doozy. It's going to be a doozy. And this is for those who are seeking an exclusive monogamous relationship. And number one is, do you have my back? Do you have my back? What this is demonstrating is, does this person care about your feelings as much as you care about your feelings? This is all about trust. And trust isn't about fidelity. Trusting is, will this person actually care about my feelings? Cause I don't have my tribe anymore. I don't have my village. I don't have my town protecting me. I only have myself. I'm speaking as you ladies. Again, I'm your big brother. I wish I could be there. So think about this. It's not, can you trust this person is asking the man, do you have my back? Now let me tell you something. Ladies for the men who are casual, they will run away like a sprinter in a Olympic race. Do you have my back? No matter what. Now again, this guys will say this before sex. They'll make all the promises in the world. We know this. We know this is called love bombing. We know this is called coming on strong. This is why the process needs to, I'm writing everyone, to slow down the process and take the romance piece out and actually get to know each other at a friendship level. This is why it's about not the man leading or the woman leading. This is why it's taking it as a two lane street. And if you ask him the question, you have my back, no matter what, a sincere, genuine guy will pause. And you know what? He may answer, I don't know yet. And that's okay. That's at least an honest answer. If the guy jumps in and says yes really quickly before you've had sex, that's a warning sign. Cause how can you have someone's back that you barely know? Keep in mind everybody is a stranger. And number two, the second question. Why didn't your last relationship work out? Why didn't your last relationship work out? Now here's what you want to pay attention to. Listen for anger, resentment, judgment, criticism or throwing their previous partner under the bus. Believe me, you ladies do this habitually. I can't tell you, I'm just giving you the narrative of what I hear as a man out there. Every woman has dated 10 narcissists. I mean, how the fuck is that possible when actual narcissistic personality disorder is only about 2% of the population but every woman has dated a narcissist? Look at every human being is selfish. Listen, men are selfish because you offer up sex so freely and easily. I said this in my weekend video, literally online dating has replaced the ability need to go to a prostitute because all we have to do is just pretend we want a relationship with you, we can just pretend it and you'll just cough it up. I'm sorry, I'm getting off track on what the question was, so I apologize. But noodle on that one for a second, that kind of is a sting. If they complain about their past relationship, that's a person who hasn't healed. And that's a person that is most likely emotionally stunted to actually be in a relationship. It takes healing, it takes closure and the ability to move on and say, you know what, no matter what happened, hey listen, we both had our differences and we moved on and you don't need to get into the particulars. But boy, if you or they are throwing their partner into the bus and ladies, you've been with men. And by the way, you listen to men throwing their partner into the bus and you go, I'll be his hero or heroine, I should say. Big, big, big mistake, don't do that. All right, number three, how much transparency do you feel you need in a relationship? How much transparency do you feel you need in a relationship? This is all about emotional responsibility. This is, and by the way, transparency means if it's material to the relationship, if it's material to the relationship, how transparent do you want to be? How many, how much of my feelings do you want to hear? Ask these questions. Ask these deeper questions instead of how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. I'm really looking forward to hearing about your day. The from Kramer from Seinfeld. Ladies, you guys spend more time talking on text messaging about how your day is instead of the real deep stuff needed. Oh my God, I'm yelling. I get wound up, folks. Let me tone it down a little bit. I get wound up. Again, that wound up because I hear over and over again the disappointment many of you feel and I'm thinking to myself, there's a hole in the sidewalk. You see it there and you fall in and then you blame him for it. Listen, if you ever want to have a chance to have a healthy, happy relationship, you have to take ownership of your life because you can't count on a man to do that for you. You have to be in charge of your relationship destiny. But Jonathan, all I'm supposed to do is sit back in my feminine energy and let the man lead and claim me. Really, is this working? If this is working, if you sit back in your feminine energy and let the guy claim you, then why are women so fucking miserable? Unless you want to be a submissive. If you want to be a submissive partner, knock yourself out. You're not my type of clientele. I want to work with those women who are looking to co-create a relationship. I forgot to bring out my book, Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukoff. Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukoff. This will change your life. How much transparency do you feel you need in the relationship? Great question to ask. Number four, what do you consider cheating? Now you think about this question, but when a man says this out loud, it's harder for him to do it. What I mean is when a person actually defines what's cheating to them, makes it very hard for them to cheat on you. In other words, do you think cheating is we're in a relationship together? We're fully exclusive. And if you sleep with another person, is that cheating? You ask him that. By the way, if he says no, it makes, by the way, men do have a default morality with them. Most guys, not all guys, but most guys have a default morality. They will, if they have now said, sleeping with someone else while being exclusive and monogamous with you is cheating, then they're more likely to break up with you before they sleep with someone. I'm not saying they will, I'm saying more likely. Men can have a default morality with them, not all, but many, most. Okay, and so you wanna get us, and by the way, think of all these questions for yourself as well. Okay, number five, what if any personal development, self-help therapy or spiritual work have you done and are you currently doing? What if any personal development, self-help spiritual work or therapy have you done or are you currently doing? First off, everyone, if you haven't purchased my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway, it's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work, and it's an ongoing process. People that do some level of personal development, self-help, spiritual work, introspective work on a regular basis tend to be better partners. They tend to want to work on a relationship together if somebody has done at least some therapy. And by the way, going to a marriage counselor once or twice is not therapy. I'm talking about healing childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas. If you're not familiar with the book, The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process, this is a deep dive into healing wounds. And I highly recommend you doing the work because then you'll know what to look for within a guide. This book has got a plethora of so much individual growth for yourself. You'll be able to recognize the men who have done the work because the sixth follow-up question is, are you open to relationship counseling if needed? By the way, a guy, I mean, he'll hear this and go, we don't need relationship counseling. We have the love of a lifetime. We have a love that's gonna survive. You don't need to listen to Jonathan Asley's advice because we are so magically in love with each other that this is gonna transcend all other relationships. What a fucking crock of shit. You know what guys need to read? You know, guys need to be fucking reading these days. They need to be reading how to be an adult in relationship because you guys, listen, ladies, I'm talking to the men right now. Men, women purchase these books nine to 10-fold greater than you. You guys aren't doing much fucking work whatsoever. You're reading pickup artist shit and you're taking advantage of women. And it's time to fucking stop that shit. It's time to be a grown-up. It's time to be an adult in relationship. And you men, I'm talking to you guys out there that complain about my work because you think I'm calling you out on all your shit because you've been playing games so fucking long. It's time to fucking grow up and be an adult in relationship. And ladies, you can't count on the men doing that for you. You've got to be the breaks. You've got to be the breaks for yourself because let me tell you something. All of the dating right now is wearing on everyone emotionally. Dating triggers the number one emotional health issue. I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. And so it's incumbent upon you to take care to be in charge of your relationship destiny. You can't count on the guys. And if you're not following the advice on this video or purchasing these books or at least purchase eight dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, you only have yourself to blame after watching this video because you can't blame it on the guys anymore. No, ladies, those of you who follow my work, you've been listening to me enough now. You know the game plan here. And I'll talk about in a moment what's the real problem with dating in a second but we're gonna talk about this seventh and last piece or question to ask, how can I trust you? How can I trust you? Folks, I just talked about trust in the first one and we wanna follow up with this, how can I trust you? Because this trust isn't about fidelity. Trust is about, does your actions match your words? Do you have victim consciousness or victim, victim consciousness or victim consciousness? Do you know how to fight there? Do you have empathy? Not just for me, but for everyone and yourself. And are you transparent? These are the signs of an emotionally mature person. And if you ask a guy, how can I trust you? Listen to his answer. Because I don't even, I'll be candid with you. This is a tough one. How can you demonstrate trust? Well, I've called you on time every single time I've called you. Okay, well, that's at least a start, okay? But before your dick goes inside my vagina, I need to have a level of trust. Otherwise, you ain't gonna get the cookies. And I'm here, I'm being Steve Harvey, Puritan 90 days or whatever. I'm saying invest at least 100 hours of face-to-face time to the people that haven't done this amount of work. If you're dating a man who's done this much work, he's showing up as a grownup, it's gonna be relatively easy for you. Won't even have to listen to my videos anymore. But ladies, it's time to hardball. I call it radical honesty. This is what I teach in my private coaching. By the way, there's a link below to get a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. So, seven questions to ask him before becoming exclusive. Do you have my back no matter what? Why did your last relationship or marriage not work out? I forgot to mention marriage. How much transparency do you feel you need in a relationship? What do you consider cheating? What if any personal development, self-help therapy or spiritual work have you done or currently doing? Are you open to relationship counseling if needed? And lastly, how can I trust you? Yeah, how can I trust you? You see, you can't count on men. Most men are good guys. They're just bad daters. And yeah, there are some really genuinely sincere, emotionally grown up men, small percentage. Most everyone else, you gotta weed out. And by the way, you ladies are no fucking picnic either. Let me just tell you something. Men and women are equally dysfunctional. You equally have bad relationship skills. Thankfully, those of you who follow my channel are doing more work than most. But I'm gonna tell you something, you're no picnic either. And I say this as a single man out there. Because you know what the problem with dating is today? I put together a list. I want you to lean into what I'm about to share here. I wanna lean into what I'm about to share here today. The problems with dating, mating or relating today, unintentional or ambivalent with effort. Equally men and women, unintentional, ambivalent with the effort they put in. Number two, overvaluing one's ability to attract what they desire. Many of you are overvaluing your ability to attract what you desire. Noodle on that for a second. Number three, lack of good relationship skills. Many of you, and by the way, I'm talking equally men and women here. Terrible relationship skills. Emotionally unhealthy people seeking connection. Oh my God, that's a recipe for disaster. All of the emotionally unhealthy people seeking connection. Not to mention the selfish people or the predatory people out there. Yes, undervaluing sex. I just spent the last 10 minutes talking about how many of you undervalue sex. And I said earlier, meeting strangers and then sex and romance before trust and commitment and the paradox of choice. We think we have all these choices because of these devices. These aren't choices, these are just faces on a screen. And then of course sifting through too many people causes burnout and too many short lived connections that can create emotional discord for oneself. And let me, I have two more. Unresolved or unhealed past relationships or ongoing discourse with the past relationship or family members including children. These are all the problems with dating, mating relating. So what's the solution? The solution is develop a relationship with yourself. That's the most important thing. Heal your childhood wounds and traumas. Learn better communication skills. Resolve your past relationships. Do the opposite of everything I said. Be intentional in the process instead of being ambivalent. I look at you ladies dating profiles and I wanna vomit at how terrible of effort you put in there and men are just, I was just looking at men, the fish and everything is equally bad. Most of you, you only have yourselves to blame or at least take ownership of. I know you don't like hearing this. I think you just like to hear, it's just all peaches and creams and rosy flowers and everything. No, it's time to wake up and there's only one solution here. Find that beautiful relationship within yourself. Find that beautiful space within yourself that you find your happiness and you've done the healing, you've done the work. And when you have done the healing and done the work then put out that magnetic call for someone who meets you where you're at because when you meet someone who meets you where you're at the process is gonna be so much easier than this dysfunctional way, this current dysfunctional way of dating, mating and relating. And I'm here to call the bullshit on what's going on out there and I wanna wake you all up to recognizing that you are in charge of your destiny and nobody else. You're in charge of your relationship, destiny. So take charge of your life, be in your sovereignty, your self-worth, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, your self-reliance, love on yourself because when you genuinely do the inner work you become a magnetic attractor for those who are either gonna help you with a lesson which really fucking sucks but also guess what? You might be in that 20% category that actually is blessed enough to find a good, solid relationship and then of that 20%, 20% of those have a juicy, delicious relationship. Most human beings are in very dysfunctional relationships. And again, if you enter in dysfunctionally, garbage in, garbage out. All right, that's my two cents. I might have ruffled some feathers today. Did this make sense? Did this resonate with you? This entire narrative I went off today. I hope it did post a comment. All right, we're gonna take questions right now and for those of you who know my format, write the word question and post the question there after or purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's my son who passed away. This was few months right before he passed away. Oh, it's one of my favorite pictures with his brother. That's me and a puppy pile. Some tears back with a group of friends. Doesn't anyone know what a puppy pile is? Again, if you purchase, there's a little dollar sign in the chat box to purchase the Super Sticker Super Chat to donate to the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund and all the monies in the fund goes to defraying the cost of personal development for those who need and to donate to the causes like the Hoffman process and insights seminars.org which are great organizations to heal your heart and I invite you all to do that. All right, well, I guess it's time to get started to take questions. So I think Nancy's gonna be first. So let's see what she has to say. And if you're listening to the replay, you won't be able to see any of these. Question, Jonathan, are these the questions you ask women or are these the questions you ask women you date? Have the responses been thoughtful, defensive or other? I think these are good idea but a massive shift. So I don't ask the question about do you have my back because I'm not as concerned as I think you ladies should be. So that's a question I don't ask. I definitely ask about past relationships. I do get a sense of their desire and transparency. I ask about cheating now because of all the casual sex out there, I wanna get a sense of what a woman's perspective is on this. The personal development, self-help and spiritual work and the ongoing therapy, absolutely I ask that question. So my questions I ask about four of them. The two ones about trust, not as much. And the one about cheating, probably not as much because I'm not so worried about being cheated on. Maybe because I feel like I have a good sense of intuition. Ladies, I will tell you in the last six months, I think I've only gone on three or four first dates, maybe not even that many. I've been ghosted three times by women. So women are just to have a propensity of just being jackasses like men. So, which means I didn't do a better job screening. I got caught up with a little bit of the limerence bug in those cases. So I take ownership and the one that didn't ghost me was we just weren't fit for one another but I did get ghosted three times. Technically, I should say two and a half. I got, well, yeah, I'm gonna say two really. All right, great question. I hope I answered that for you, Nancy. Thank you so much. All right, question. Why do men think they don't need self-development? Is it their ego they look puzzled as if they've never heard the term? Because many people don't know what it is. Now, I'm gonna say something to you. When I did the Hoffman process, there was 40 people, excuse me, 39 people, 20 men, 19 women. When I did insight seminars, it was probably of the 100 people in our first class. I would say 52 women, 48 men. When I did the second class, it was almost 50-50. When I did Abraham Hicks, I mean, half the room was men. So when you actually go to personal development workshop trainings, it's almost roughly 50-50 men to women. Now, if you go to Alison Armstrong, it's mostly women because she caters to women. When you do one of my workshop, it's mostly women because I cater to women. If you go to Adam Galad's workshops, it's mostly men. There are plenty of organizations that men go to. I did the mankind project, all men, 50 men. And boy, was that intense training. Most of the time, men find out about this through other men. Women tend to find out about it a little bit more, well, they find out from other women mostly, but we men tend to find out about it from other men. It's just women purchase more self-help books in the area of relationships, probably 10-fold greater than men. So that's why it seems skewed that women do more of the book buying in this area. Now, men tend to go to like Tony Robbins, which is more for wealth building in the area of personal development. So they're getting a taste of it. One of my first tastes, so funny, I found some of my old Tony Robbins CDs. I used to listen to his infomercials all the time. And by the way, when you go to a Tony Robbins seminar, it's probably 70% men and 30% women. So sometimes it's the lens you look through. I just happen to be blessed to live in an area where Los Angeles, California, that just happens to be more personally development oriented. But if you go to Bump, I was gonna say Bumpfuck, Egypt, I'm not great, not knocking Egypt, but someplace in the Midwest or someplace in the South where most men and women haven't done any of this work. We just happen to have a proliferation of it here in Southern California. So, but I will tell you, every workshop I've been to, personal development wise, it's almost 50, 50 men and women. All right, great question. Thank you so much. Bump, bump, bump. Let's go swim in. Question, hey Heather, how are you doing, sweetheart? Question, I'm working on myself and intentionally not seeking men for dating. But if someone asked me, should I ask me out, I'm assuming, should I say no? Is it bad to date while the same time working on yourself? Absolutely not. By the way, dating uncovers a lot of what we want based on what we don't want, number one. Number two, it's only through interaction with other human beings that we actually can grow. Folks, I haven't been in a relationship in a while. I may sound like I know my shit, but I won't know it until I'm in relationship when you're faced with conflict. That's when the true person comes out. So yeah, I mean, I wouldn't, you know, because why block an opportunity with a preconceived notion? Why block an opportunity? If you're doing the work and you at least you have a mindset of I will enter into this relationship as a grownup. I will enter into this relationship as a grownup. Then you get to see what happens. Life is a juicy journey. It's not about the destination. It's about what happens on the ride. So Heather, no, if you meet someone that you think is a good fit for you, then go for it. But I would be clear on what you want. So let me just be clear on this. I started this video with a warning. This is only for serious people who want partnership. If you don't know what you want yet, I would be very cautious. But if you do know what you want, then yeah, go for it. Because work has ever gone. I've been at this shit for 15 years, probably longer in some sense, but only a really deeper dive in the last five, four years. Partially because when I lost Connor, I lost my son, it cracked my heart open in such a way that said, I don't wanna do things like I used to. Sometimes it takes deep pain to break free from the confines and the binds and the chains we all oftentimes are, that we cover ourselves in the armor, the masks. So I wouldn't hold up on that. No, I wouldn't. Heather, great question. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. By the way, my coffee mug says, don't make me go all psycho roommate on you. Folks, I get passionate, I yell, but trust me, it comes from a genuine heart center place. It really does. So don't take any offense to my boisterous voice, okay? I'm just passionate. By the way, folks, do you agree I'm passionate or am I being an alarmist or a, I don't know. Anyway, just let me know. Hey, Nicole, thank you. All right, let's see what we have. Let's go swim and ask. If you have a question, post the word question, write the question thereafter or purchase a super sticker or super chat. If I answered your question, I had value for you, please purchase a super sticker or super chat to say thank you to Connor Asley. I'd really appreciate it. All right, looks like Gloria says, I love your chats. Sunny says, I follow you and Allison. Allison, and when I remember meeting Allison, she didn't recognize me at first and we were having an interaction and she goes, oh, wait, you're that Jonathan Asley. She goes, I've been following you for a while. She literally admitted she had a brain fart in that moment and then we ended up having this beautiful chat and then she invited me several times to speak at her event. She said, I'm the only dating coach. This is her words. This was about five or six years ago. I'm the only dating coach that she's actually invited to one of her events. What an honor to get that from Allison Armstrong. You said, Gloria, thank you so much. All right, oh, here we go. Marta says, question, how much excitement do you think we need to feel after a first date? Do we feel it can develop slowly without an initial spark? You know, Marianne Williamson who wrote the book, Return to Loves, it says in her seminars, when two people have intense chemistry on a first date, what should you do? Cray and what you're praying for is guidance. Sometimes intense chemistry, most of the time, turns into a shit show disaster. I mean, it's like a rocket ship that takes off without any gas to go into outer space. So I think what's more important, I've interviewed hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of women who are in happy relationships and nearly one third of them have told me and I quote, I wasn't attracted to my guy on the first, second or third date, but they kept going out because there was something there. And what they found was they fell in love with the person. I share a story, I shared the story last time. When I did the Hoffman process, there was 39 people there, 20 men, 19 women, and we weren't allowed to tell what we were supposed to do professionally. And on the fifth of the second to last day, we got to share and I told everyone, I was a dating relationship coach. That evening, all of the women there surrounded me in the Jacuzzi and all the men were pissed. And one of the women said, Jonathan, when I got here, there were two men I checked out. First off was you, I was very attracted to you. And the second was this guy who looked like the Marlboro man. I mean, he's just very rugged and strong and chiseled features and everything. And she goes, I was attracted to you and him. She said after this experience, after I had a chance to meet every one of these men and meet their heart, she said, I would date every man in this room. I'd date every man in this room. And what she was trying to tell me is, when we get past our preconceived notions of what real attraction is based on the outside and we can actually get to know someone's heart at a real heart-centered level, which is through deep intimacy. If you're not familiar with the book, I've mentioned this frequently called Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters. Oh my God, this is a great book. But my point is, you might be surprised. Listen, I'm not suggesting you should go out. Someone has a beer gut the size of Texas and he's missing teeth or whatnot. Or you could do whatever you want. I mean, but if you're feeling a connection, then don't dismiss someone just because they're not your type. You might be surprised. That's all. So, Marta, thank you so much for that question. Marita, excuse me. Thank you for that question. I really appreciate it. By the way, I wanna thank... Oh, we've got a super sticker here. So we're gonna take this question. I'm rolling past a bunch of them now. Teresa says, question. Jonathan, please help me understand why men text to ask for a date. I would be so happy to get a phone call. I will tell you, Teresa, because women across the board allow it. Women across the board allow it. So think about this. In the old days, men didn't use text messaging. We had to ask women out face-to-face or at least over the telephone. It matters most is not the how you get the date is what happens when you're on the date. I understand you want a telephone call and just, by the way, you can fucking... Here, ladies, here's my text messages. Who should I dial right now? I can dial... Listen, my sister sent me a text message. I don't have to respond with text. I can hit that little icon that says telephone. Call him. See what happens. But Jonathan, that's me being in my masculine energy. No, it's just making some effort. If you don't like the effort they're making, then pick up the phone. By the way, you wanna change something? Then do something different. Be George Costanz in the episode where he did the opposite. Does anyone remember the George Costanz episode on Seinfeld where he did the opposite of his natural behavior? He got the girl, he got the job. He got everything he wanted and he did the opposite. I'm just suggesting you try it. I'm not saying you have to do it. If that doesn't feel comfortable with you, then don't do it. But let me tell you the why. Because women allow it. If enough women allow it, men don't have to make effort. Ladies, I said this before in the beginning of the broadcast. Casual sex is why men treat you poorly. Ladies throughout for the last 50 years have made it so easy for men to get casual and hook up sex, made it so easy that men don't have to put in any effort because there's no consequences. If there isn't, listen, men don't care even about sexual diseases. Men could care less compared to women because you have more to lose. And the other thing is the most thing you used to have to lose before the birth control pill was to have a pregnancy and then an 18 year obligation. Not that children an obligation, okay? But I'm saying is an unwanted pregnancy oftentimes led to an 18 year unwanted obligation. But with the birth control, you don't need a person has to worry about that. So commitment is virtually unnecessary. Oh, by the way, we can pretend we want a relationship. Yeah, men can say they want a relationship. Yeah, I want a relationship. And then they date you and they have sex with you and they go, you know what, I'm not ready for a relationship. Raise your hand if you've heard from a guy after he's had sex, say, raise your hand and say, he said, I wasn't ready for a relationship after having sex. How many of you have experienced that? I gotta tell you, I hear this all the fucking time. 100 hours of face to face time. That's gonna weed out a lot of the look you lose. Make men read the book, eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman before the penis goes inside the vagina. I gotta tell you something, I cracked myself up. I love this. I love, am I the bearer of bad news I wonder or maybe I am a wake-up call to suggesting a better, a different way of approaching it. Remember I said, I'm the contrarian. Actually nothing about what I'm saying is contrarian. It's actually, by the way, is this good sound advice? Please let me know. All right, let's go back up. Thank you so much for that super sticker, Teresa. I really appreciate it. And I'm sorry if what I suggested didn't correspond to what you were hoping to hear. Donna says, I love your passion. I think it's great, you make me laugh so much. Midnight Blue says, you are passionate and thank you for it. Just passionate. Roma says, just very true, John. All right, let's go here. Nicole says, what if you are nervous to date because of the pandemic or is it just an excuse or not? You know, fear, false evidence appearing real. If you are healthy, then your chances of catching it are probably pretty slim. I still believe less than one-tenth of 1% of the population died here in the United States anyway. And most of them were senior citizens and people who had several more morbidities. Words I haven't heard before, but mostly health conditions. So if you have a health condition, I can understand that. But you know what, folks? By the way, I got the flu back in 2014. I was knocked out for three solid weeks, okay? And ever since then, I've been doing my best to have a healthy lifestyle since then. So, but fear, okay. You could be using the pandemic as an excuse for fear. And what I mean as an excuse for fear because the fear of rejection or the fear of giving your heart to someone and then it not working out could cause you to be reluctant. Folks, there's a line from the movie. Tell me if you know the movie. Get busy living or get busy dying. I believe we have a choice. We could sit back, sit back in your feminine energy. No, you can sit back or you can take charge. Which person are you? Are you gonna get busy living or get busy dying? I'm a believer. Look it, I haven't found my soulmate yet or my life partner, Matt. I'm okay. I know she's coming. She's just hasn't found me yet. And I haven't found her yet. It'll happen. In the meantime, I live my best life. I make effort on a regular basis. And you know what? I trust that the universe has my back. You know what? I trust the universe has my back and that's my invitation for you. So thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it, Nicole. Kathleen says, do you ask these questions on a first date? You know what? Seven question to ask them before becoming exclusive. No, but I ask a shitload of questions to determine. Listen, folks, if you're not familiar with my relationship, iceberg. Okay, attraction. First thing we see is chemistry. What makes a relationship successful? Shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. I grill women. Fuck, yes, I grill women. And the ones that are turned off are the ones that aren't right for me. The women who actually appreciated being grilled by me love it. They're like, oh my God, you're so different, Jonathan. You're actually asking me all the right questions. And I will tell you a lot of women I pick because of attraction, but I have to weed them out on the telephone. I weed out a lot on the telephone. It's like telemarketing to me. Weed them out, weed them out, weed them out, weed them out. Because I believe roughly, okay, folks, if you're not familiar with my emotional maturity relationship skills chart, this is not a fact, it's an opinion. I believe 20% of men and women have clinical issues that makes it very difficult for them to be in a relationship. And while I say over here, 20% are healthy and I'm talking about relationship skills and emotional maturity and I'm talking about women is equal to men. 20% is generous. I think it's only 5%, but we'll go with 20 because most of everybody is dysfunctional. Myself included. So I like to do a lot of weeding out on the telephone before I line them up on a date. And occasionally I've said yes too quickly. So I think why I got ghosted these last couple of times. I went in under thinking that they were, you know, I didn't make them jump through hoops. Jonathan, maybe that's the reason why you don't get dates. You know what? I'm testing you because I'm not convinced that you women are any better at this shit as men. Men are fucking clueless. Most men are winging it. They're winging it. They're winging it. And so are you. And you wonder why it's a shit show out there. That's my opinion anyway. So the answer is, I try to ask as much as I can ahead of time. By the way, some women genuinely appreciate it. And I just, the problem is they've been too far distance wise. Ah, gotta stop trying the distance shit. All right, question. I'm dating a guy five years younger. He doesn't have children. I know I don't want any, but when I ask him, he says he doesn't know. What do I do with this when I've been dating for a year? Listen, a man who says I doesn't know is using that as his exit clause. A man over 35 years old knows whether or not he wants children or not. And if he doesn't, that's just, that's his pre, that's his called his exit clause. In other words, he says he don't know so he can keep having sex with you at his beck and call. And then when he wants to break up with you, he goes, guess what? I'm gonna pull out my exit clause. I've decided I want to have children. You know what? Unless it's both a no for you, I would think twice on continuing. That's my invitation for you anyway. And I say this from experience over and over and over again. I've witnessed women go through this. So this isn't the first time I've heard this. I've heard this a lot. All right, thank you for your question. All right, Pamela says, divorce nine months ago, I've had contact with my ex because of taxes business. I don't want him back, but feel the desire to explain my culpability due to discoveries. Is this okay? My culpability. If you're gonna take ownership on your part to the ending of the relationship, I'm all for it. If it's throwing your ex under the bus, I would never date you. I'll leave it at that, Pamela. I would never date a woman who throws their ex under the bus because that tells me they are not emotionally mature enough to be in the kind of relationship I see. But then again, I'm the one seeking fully committed relationship with partnership. Maybe you're not ready for that. So go at it as you wish, but I invite you to heal all of you listening. If you had a dysfunctional ex in your life, heal that relationship because guess what? Not the relationship. Heal so you don't have to be negative about it. Negativity is a huge turn off. Except to you women, you all. And by the way, men and women can take advantage of that negativity. They can use you. So be careful of that. That's my invitation anyway. Thank you so much. All right, let's go swim. Any super stickers or super. Am I doing a good job? Please let me know. Purchase a super sticker, super job. Leanne says, great episode, George opposite day. Exactly, FL says the same thing. I think men do this to ease rejection. I think that's what they all, yes, I agree with that. The movie was not the yes man, get busy living or get busy dying. What movie is that? All right. Let's go swim in. Joan Berry says, excellent advice. Thank you so much. Co-morbility, mobility, mobilities. Mobilities, thank you. I couldn't get that out of my mouth. False evidence appearing real, exactly. And yes, it is the Shawshank Redemption, Diane. Way to go. Oh, here we go. Marta says $6.99 super sticker. Thank you so much for the Conor Rosalie Scholarship Fund. Much appreciated. All right. Tracy says, Jonathan, I was playing Joe Jackson in the car out loud today. My teenage daughter. Ba-da-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum. Sometimes you start feeling so lost and lonely. Then you find it's all been in your mind. My favorite song and I'm terrible singer. Least, Nicole says Least telemarketers care to call. Yeah, that's a good point. All right, let's go swimming. Oh, Nancy, thank you for the super sticker. Thank you so much. I hear you heal your heart. Louise, hey, one of my first books I ever read on personal development. All right, this is gonna be our last question for the day. What exactly do you think emotional maturity is? I keep hearing this term. Could you please describe it for me? Yes, I have a video on this. By the way, I'm gonna describe it for everyone. But Google, go into YouTube search search in Jonathan Asley, five signs of emotional maturity and you'll see a longer video about what I'm gonna share. Number one, a person's actions match their words. A person's actions match their words. That's a sign of emotional maturity. Number two, they are in Victor con- Am I pit stains? Victor consciousness, not victim consciousness, okay? Victor consciousness, we are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness here in the United States. This is when you complain and blame. Complain and blame, complain and blame. And we are suckling on that nipple, men and women alike. Number three, the ability to do what's called fighting fare. Fighting fare, that means, fighting fare means when you're in a conflict with a partner person, you listen to the other person's point of view. You accept that, you reiterate what that person's point of view is. You accept it for being true for them. They do the same for you. And you can have discord where you agree to disagree but learning how to fight fare. What isn't fighting fare? Defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, contempt. Those are all signs that your relationship will implode. Number four, empathy. And empathy isn't just, you care about people's feelings. Empathy is you care about the other person's feelings and more importantly, you care about your own feelings. And lastly, number five, transparency. And transparency means if it's material to the relationship, you speak up. So if you have an STD, you say it, you don't sleep with the person go, oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you I have an STD. If it's material to the relationship, you speak up. Anything material to the relationship. And that's five quick signs for emotional maturity. Is this sinking in? I hope it does. Thank you for your question, Linda. I really appreciate it. Thank you. Oh, I wanna thank Liana for the super sticker. Where is that? Thank you so much. There we go. Thank you so much. Elaine says, you are fantastically passionate. I am very passionate tonight. Mariposa says, I should have mentioned he's 32 and I'm 37. Yes, he has an escape clause there at that age. I'm just telling you, I'm not saying it is, but there's a good chance. All right, folks. Hey, Todd, we got a guy in the group. Thank you so much. See, for the men, listen, I bagged on men today, but I wanna be grateful for the man that's here. Folks, listen, let me wrap this up for you. We are in a whole different ball game today. And the reason why it's a shit show, it's because of all the reasons I said the problem with dating today. Go back to listen to the 20 minute mark of this video, because it is very difficult these days and it requires doing the inner work first. Do your work first and you're gonna be set up for greater success than if you do little or no work ahead of time. Also, I wanna thank Nicole for the $2 super sticker. Thank you so much for that. I really appreciate it. All right, folks. Listen, if I've provided value tonight, please purchase the super sticker super chat for like all the people that have done so far to show appreciation also to give to the Conor Asley Scholarship Fund. Oh, of course, son. Also, if you find value in this, please check out the links to a free discovery call. My group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis for just a few dollars a month. Also, check out my podcast, The What Would Love Do? podcast. Check me out on Instagram and you can also get a free gift at my website. And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic Chotham Barak of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Leanna and Linda and Marianne and Nicole and Todd and Cass and Catherine and Heather and Blondie and Roma and Kitty cat for babies, Maria, Danielle, Heather, sweet Heather, Catherine, Pamela, Jennifer, all of you, Gloria. Thank you so much, everyone. Wishing you a super duper wonderful evening. Bye-bye now, thank you. Thanks Catherine, I appreciate that. Bye.