 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. Say, friends, one thing is certainly true about cigarettes. Nothing, no nothing, beats better taste. And remember... Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike means lime tobacco, richer tasting, lime tobacco. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. This is Don Wilson. I'm sure you'll agree that it's really the taste of a cigarette that gives you enjoyment. Yes, for real deep down smoking enjoyment, nothing, no nothing, beats better taste. And Lucky's taste better. Cleaner and fresher and smoother. One reason for that better taste is L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes, the famous Lucky Strike taste begins with fine, light, naturally mild tobacco that has a wonderful aroma and a taste that's even better. Besides, Lucky's are made better to taste better, made specifically to give you a cleaner, fresher, smoother tasting smoke. So, for real deep down enjoyment, get the better taste of Lucky Strike. Tomorrow, ask for a carton of Lucky's. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. In Legion Hall in Palm Springs, California, the Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and your truly dog book. Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're doing our show from Palm Springs, California. And this year, hundreds of Hollywood's biggest stars have come here to get away. So now, I bring you the man they thought they were getting away from, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, it's certainly nice to be back in Palm Springs, isn't it? Yes, it is, Jack. It's a wonderful place. This is the 12th straight year you've come to Palm Springs, isn't it? All right, Don, and you know, after all of these years, I still can't get used to it. The climate? No, the prices. Anyway, Don, I'm glad that you're enjoying yourself here. I sure am, Jack, but I've got a bone to pick with you. You walked right by me this afternoon. I waved to you, and you didn't even acknowledge my greeting. But, Don, I didn't see you this afternoon. Don't kid me, Jack. I was sitting right by the Park Lane swimming pool in a red and white striped bathing suit. A red and white striped... Don, was that you? I thought it was a beach umbrella. Those people... Those people sitting in your shade pooled me there. Now, Jack, I resent the way you keep giving everyone the impression I'm fat. I've lost a lot of weight. In fact, I felt self-conscious because my bathing suit was so loose on me. No. Well, Don, maybe your bathing suit was loose on you, but the pool fit you like a glove. Especially around the deep end. You know? You look like... Hi, Jack, Don. Hi, everybody. Hello, Bob. How are you? Hi, Bob. Hey, Don. Didn't I see you at the Park Lane this afternoon? Oh, yes, you did. Oh, are you staying there, too, Bob? Oh, no, Jack. I brought June and the kids up with me, so I rented one of those family bungalows on the edge of town. Well, that's nice. I bet the kids are having a good time. Yeah, but this morning we had a little excitement. Well, what happened? Well, Malia, our baby, she crawled away from the bungalow and she'd gone two miles into the desert before we caught up with her. I wonder why she did that? Well, she thought she was in the sandbox that Uncle Bing gave her. You know, Malia, she's a cute kid. You know, Bob, you've got five of the nicest children that I've ever met. Yeah, I guess so. What do you mean, you guess so? Well, Jack, they're good children. They're well-behaved. They're smart in school and kind of their mother, dependable. They respect me, but... So what's wrong? Well, five kids and not one of them sings like Gary. You mean none of your kids are talented? Well, Malia is. In fact, next week she starts out on a nightclub tour. A nightclub tour? What are you talking about? She's only a baby. What can she do? Well, she cries like Johnny Ray. Oh! By the way, Jack, where are you staying at the Biltmore? What? Bob, read that line over again. Will you please? Oh, I see. By the way, Jack, where are you staying at the Biltmore? That's better. To him, it's nothing. But a comma can cost me $30 a day. No, Bob, I'm not at the Biltmore. They didn't have a vacancy there. Well, I'm at a little place just at the edge of town. It's called the El Pocho de la Sal. The El Pocho de la Sal? Yes, that's Spanish for don't let the sand get in your eyes. Don't let the cactus break your heart. Very nice. You know, it's one of the... Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hi, everybody. What's all this talking about? Oh, Mary, we were just discussing a motel here in Palm Springs. Have you ever heard of the El Pocho de la Sal? The El Pocho de la Sal? Yes, Don. I know quite a few people who've stayed there. You see? I hear it's not bad if you don't mind taking the shot. Yeah. Silly, you know, they find a few tzatzis flies in the kitchen and the Board of Health gets all excited. Anyway, I like to stay there. They give you a room and your meals, you know, for $2 a day. For $2 a day, they give you meals in a room? Yeah. What about a bath? They insist on it. They do not. They just make you run through the sprinklers. Slowly. Where are you stopping, Mary? At the Howard Manor. Oh, yes, I called you there today and you were out. I know. I was playing tennis over at the Racquet Club. Oh, the Racquet Club, eh? Yeah, and Mr. May was there. There was a great line, wasn't it? Oh, the Racquet Club, eh? I get all those lines all through the show. I don't know what you mean. What did you say, Mary? I said Mr. May was there. You mean Tom May, the owner of the May Company? Yes, and I could have played tennis with him, too, if I just hadn't gotten so excited. Excited? What do you mean? Well, when he handed me the racquet, I wrapped it up and was figuring the sales tax before I knew what I was doing. How do you like that? But, Mary, if you're going to... Jack, Jack. What is it, Bob? Well, before I forget, the boys in the band want me to ask you if they can leave immediately after the show. Leave Pop Springs? Why, it's so nice and warm here. Well, that's what they're complaining about. What? Well, this desert sun is murder on those ice cubes. Bob, you mean the boys are at it again? Well, on the contrary, Jack, they've been behaving. In fact, Remly was embedded nine o'clock last night. Remly? Remly, in bed by nine o'clock? How come? Well, he was walking down Palm Canyon Drive. He saw the sign on the Cheek Club, and he decided to turn right around. Wait a minute, Bob. It isn't the Cheek Club. It's Chee-Chee. Well, how do you like that? Gee, Remly thought he was seeing double, and he went right to bed. I tell you, it couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Hey, Mr. Benny, I'm sorry I'm late. Oh, that's all right, kid. Well, you don't have to get mad. Dennis, I'm not mad. You came in a little late. That's the end of it. I tried to get you all afternoon and tell you I'd be a little late. You phoned my motel? Yeah, but I think the telephone wires were crossed. Oh. Every time I dialed your number, I got the board of health. Well, if a Chee-Chee fly answers, hang up. Board of health. Dennis, where were you this afternoon? Oh, I was out with a girl. You've already been out with a girl. Well, that's pretty fast work. Oh, it's easy to find a girl in Palm Springs. Every store window in town is advertising them. Advertising what? Advertising dates. Oh, those are the kind that come out of trees. Oh, no wonder her arms were so long. Oh, Dennis, I'm talking about stuff dates. Mine ain't like a pig. That kid drives me nuts. Oh, take it easy, Jack. I can't help it, Mary. I come to Palm Springs to get some sun, play some golf, have a nice rest, and that kid makes a wreck out of it. Say, Jack, I've been out in the golf course every day. I haven't seen you out there playing. I know. That would happen to me. I left Beverly Hills, forgot my golf clubs. You know what? I'm going to call Rochester and have them send them. Excuse me. Number, please. Oh, hello, operator. I'd like to place a call of Beverly Hills, California. Crestview 44124, please. Yes, sir. Who's calling, please? Jack Benny. Oh, Mr. Benny. I'm certainly glad you came to Palm Springs. Well, thank you. I hope you're planning to stay a long time. Are you one of my fans? No. My father owns the Alpocho de la Sal. Next time, take off your socks when you run through the sprinklers. I will. I will. Now, get me the number, will you? The circuits are busy. I'll ring you when I get your party. Thank you. Fresh operator. Dennis, while I'm waiting, you better sing your song, will you? Okay. Thanks, Mr. Benny, and I'm sorry I made you nervous. That's all right, kid. It's just that I was out in the sun all day and my head hurts. You're... oh, my goodness. Maybe you're suffering from a sunstroke. Sunstroke? Certainly. I mean, how long have you been seeing these spots in front of your eyes? Next Monday will be 22 years. Dennis, sit down. You're just mad because I'm a better singer than you are. Well, that's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Certainly you're a better singer than I am. I'm a comedian. I'm funnier than you are, too. Oh, stop! I don't know why I... I'll get it. That must be my call to Rochester. Oh, is this Mr. Benny? Yes. I'm ringing your party in Beverly Hills. Thank you. Mr. Benny's resident star of the state, is getting hard to live with every day. Rochester! Rochester, what's the matter? What? Wait a minute. Are you hinting for me to let you come to Palm Springs? Either that or permission to turn on the heat. This is not going to do you any good a complaint because you're not coming up here. You got to stay home and take care of Polly, my parrot. She's got a pole. I've been taking care of her. I gave her a hot toddy, but I think I put in too much whiskey. Why, what happened? She fell off the Persian when I went to pick her up. She took a swing at me. Nothing looks worse than a green parrot with red eyes. Well, give her an alka-seltzer. I did. The reason I called, I want you to send me my golf bag and clubs. I returned it to Mr. and Mrs. Coleman. But where are the Coleman? In Palm Springs. Oh, well, then I'll get it myself. Where are the Coleman's staying? I don't know, but they don't have to run through sprinklers. I hope not. Who wants to play with a wet golf bag? Goodbye, Rochester. Goodbye. All say, boss. Now what? Is Mr. Bing Crosby going to be on your radio program next week? Yeah, what about it? Well, let's plug it. Thank you, Rochester. Goodbye. Now, kids, I want you to keep Wednesday afternoon open because I'm going to make arrangement for all to play golf together. If it's all the same to you, Jack, I'd rather not. You can count me out, too. Me, too. What about you, Dennis? You want to play golf with me? No, you cheat. What's the matter with everybody here? Why does anybody want to play golf with me? Look, Jack, after that steak ride you arranged last night. You can't blame us. Well, that steak ride wasn't so bad. Oh, no? Well, I'm going to tell the audience what happened, and they can be the judge. Don't be silly, Mary. Nobody's interested. Oh, yes, they are. Ladies and gentlemen, last night we all wanted to have some fun, and Jack made arrangements and insisted that the whole cast go on a steak ride with them. It was about 7 o'clock when he arrived at the stable. Now, come on, everybody. We'll get our horses. Over here, Don, Bob. Where with you, Jack? I didn't think you were there for a minute. Over there about the horses. Oh, mister, mister, are you the one who takes care of the stable? Well, who do you think I am with this broom in my hand and off-season wits? I'm Mr. Benny. I called up about a steak ride for this evening. Oh, yes, I have it written right here. 16 horses for a steak ride. 16 horses? But there are only 15 of us. You're going to eat, aren't you? Don't be funny. If I want jokes, I'll call my writer. The wits' stable are there. Now, cut that out! We'll get a move on. We're anxious to get started. All right. What kind of a horse would you like? Oh, I don't care. Well, I've got a brown horse, a gray horse, a black horse, and a purple one with yellow polka dots. Well, that's silly. Who ever saw a purple horse with yellow polka dots? I did! Quiet, Remly! Now, look, mister, we're not fussy about the horses, but get them ready, will you? All right. I'll be back in a minute. Jack, I've never been on a steak ride before. What do you do? Well, Don, this is my party, so nobody has to worry about a thing. I've arranged for us all to get horses here. I've got a guide who'll lead us through the desert to a beautiful little spot in the mountain. Really? And when we get there, I've arranged for some men to have a big fire going, and while the cook prepares dinner, we'll sit around the fire, sing songs, and then I've seen to it that you'll all get thick charcoal-broiled steaks. Ah, sounds wonderful, Jack. What happens after that? We all pay our share and go home. You do not. Here he comes with the horses. Here are the horses, Mr. Benny. Which one would you like? Well, I don't know. This one is a palomino. This is a very gentle mare. And this one is an English horse. An English horse? Help me up, will you? A horse that's sure high up here. Hey, Mary, this is fun, isn't it? Yeah, and I've got a beautiful horse. Look at mine, Mary. Do you ever see such a long mane? Put your glasses on. You're sitting backwards. Oh, oh, oh. We're all ready. All right, kids, let's go. These are beautiful out here on the desert. Yeah, and the sky is so clear. Man, this trail is so nice. No ruts, no bumps, no stones. Well, you can thank Don. His horse's stomach is smoothing it out. When Don rides... What's that? Well, it's either Coyote or somebody got his bill at the racket club. Gee, Coyote's and everything. I love riding out here. I should have been a cowboy. I'm an old cow hen from the Rio Grande. And your hair just fell down in the sand. Never paid a bill cause you don't know how. I sure ain't fixin' to start it now. Say, Mr. Benny, if you like singing, I brought the Guadalajara trio from the dollhouse along for entertainment. Oh, that's wonderful. Will they sing for us? Well, sure they will. Boys, sing something for Mr. Benny. I'd like to thank the Guadalajara trio. You can talk to that fellow over there. He's in charge of it. Oh, oh, I see. Pardon me. Are you associated with the Guadalajara trio? She's an or. I am their part-time manager. Oh, just part-time. What do you do the rest of the time, huh? I turn on his sprinklers at the El Pocho de la Zon. Well, that doesn't seem like much for a man to do. Earlier in the program, I was a horse. We better get going. We just killed the illusion. When are we gonna get to the camp, Jack? Yeah, but it should have been there an hour ago. Hey, maybe we're going in the wrong direction. Yeah, what is this anyway? Maybe we're lost. I'm not. You're not? No, I still see the same spots in front of my eyes. Oh, boy. I wonder where we are anyway. I'll write up and ask the guide. Let's see. There he is up on the horse in front of there. Pardon me. Uh, Guy, how much longer until we get to the camp? I don't know. Well, how much farther is it? I don't know. I don't know anything. Are you the guide? I'm a jockey. I made a wrong turn at Santa Anita. Right direction? He don't know. But if we stay on the trail, we can't miss. Gee, kids, all we have to do now is build a fire. When we barbecue these steaks, you'll be glad you went on this trip. Oh, boy, look at those steaks. I can't wait until they're ready. Gee, they look wonderful. They sure do. Oh, boy. Well, I've got all the twigs and the wood and the paper and everything ready to make the fire. Who's got a match? Match? Match. Don, Don, give him a match. I haven't got one, Jack. Mary, have you got a match? No. Bob? I ain't got one either. Holy smoke. What did we do? Wait a minute. Dennis, didn't I give you a book of matches? That was last Christmas. Oh, mister, you're responsible for the steak, right? It's up to you to have matches. Well, I always forget something. What? Last time I forgot the steaks. Ladies and gentlemen, the nation's fight against infantile paralysis continues relentlessly. The March of Dimes has made this possible, but your contributions must keep rolling in in order to continue the fight against polio. Please send your dimes and dollars to your local March of Dimes headquarters now. Join the March of Dimes. Thank you. Jack, we'll be back in just a moment. First, nothing. No, nothing beats better taste. And remember... Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For lucky strike means lime tobacco, Richard tasting lime tobacco. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky strike. Lucky strike. Surely it's true, friends, that you'll get more enjoyment from a cigarette that tastes better. Fact is, in cigarette smoking, nothing. No, nothing beats better taste. And Lucky's taste better. Cleaner and fresher and smoother. No wonder a nationwide survey based on actual student interviews in 80 leading colleges reveals that more smokers in these colleges prefer Lucky's than any other cigarette. And why? The number one reason the students gave for smoking Lucky's was better taste. Now, friends, I know you yourself are sure to find that Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher and smoother. And because they do taste better, Lucky's will bring you the deep down enjoyment every smoker wants. So, be happy. Go Lucky. Tomorrow, ask for a carton of Lucky Strike. Be happy. Go Lucky. Get better taste today. Ladies and gentlemen, next week, we will also be broadcasting from Palm Springs and our guest star will be Bing Crosby. We felt that we should have something to brighten up the program and of Bing wears his usual shirt. That will do it. And also... Jack, is my brother Bing really going to be on? Yes. Well, if he's going to sing a song, he'll have to change his style. He sounds too much like me. He'll change it. He'll change it. Good night, Paul. Jack Benny program is written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josephsburg, George Balzer, John Packaberry, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Be sure to hear The American Way with Paulus Hitch for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station. Consult your newspaper for the time. Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. This is the CBS Radio Network.