 Welcome, welcome. My name is Simonery, I'm a comedian. I did a show last year called Renegade Plummer. Most of it was about under tent heating and how I came to do it. But I'll start by doing this. All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's play musical statues. You're good. You're all through to the second round. Out. That was easy. Yes, anyway. Getting old, went to a funeral the other day, caught the wreath. I will be doing jokes as well. But anyway, under tent heating, how I came to do that. I was at a McCutliffe comedy festival three years ago and the weather forecast was, it was going to be camping in April in McCutliffe in Wales and the weather forecast was going to be minus five. My wife was Australian and basically if it's under 20 degrees she starts shivering. I don't want to come. I've got three daughters as well, 15, 13, 11 unusual names, but briefly appropriate. Thank you. Anyway, I can sort this. I've been to a lot of festivals, done a lot of camping and a long time thought about it. Is it possible to heat a tent from the outside? Can't have a flame inside a nylon tent, the fumes, everything. This is what I did. I have it here, my basic under tent heating system, which is a saucepan, a camping stove, a 12 volt caravan pump, which is $9.99, eBay. There's one there. Basically you put the saucepan on a camping stove, the pump goes to a hose pipe, hose pipe goes under the tent, backs and forwards, backs and forwards, back in. The water gets heated, it heats the tent, comes back, gets heated again, just goes round and round until either the battery runs out or the gas runs out. When it actually came to it, I did it as a test in the back garden, slept out, it was minus two at that stage, but the tent was warm. I went, yes, I've solved this. When we got to McCutliffe, I made the mistake of thinking, if I used a bigger saucepan that would hold more heat. Yeah, but it takes a lot longer to heat up. So what I ended up doing was standing outside the tent, changing the gas canisters on the little camping stove every half hour, while frost was forming on my shoulders, while my wife and children remained lukewarm. But it did work. The trick is to use a small one. I was thinking about it, and I thought, oh, I'd started talking about it. The year before I'd done a show, and as part of that show, I'd described various things I'd invented, one of which was the umbrella, UN umbrella, which is basically a stick you hold up when it's raining. Because before the invention of the umbrella, there was no choice. When it's raining, either you've got an umbrella or you look like you're ill-prepared. And basically what the umbrella says is, I've thought ahead, but I don't care about water. It marks you out from the scum. And so I was also, and I talked about it, about the under-tent heating thing as well. And then so many people came up to me with gigs going, no, no, that's not a funny idea. That is a product. And so I stopped talking about it, and I thought, you should patent it. And so then I went on the patents office website, and if you get the chance, don't. Basically they say there's two ways to get your patent. One is with the aid of a lawyer, which is prohibitively expensive, the exact phrase. The other is without a lawyer, which is very unlikely to work. They may as well just have a sign saying, go away if you've invented something. Move to another country. And anyway, is it a product? And what market would there be for under-tent heating? I thought, well, there's two markets, glampers and refugees. People who need it and people who don't. And I started thinking about it. Obviously I started thinking, can I improve it? Is there any way of improving it? And for about six months, my mantra every morning was, can I make something that is better than a saucepan? And that was going around my head, better than a saucepan. Firstly, so the system I've got here, which I'll show you afterwards, is just a hosepipe. But I did build a better one with sort of one thick hosepipe. It went to lots of thinner hosepipes because the smaller something is, the greater its surface area to volume ratio, the better it loses heat. So if you've got a pet mouse and it's cold, you want to put a blanket over it. If you've got a pet elephant, don't worry, he'll be fine. And that's probably why elephants have the big flappy ears so they can lose heat. And research may well back this up. So, yeah, can I make something that is better than a saucepan? And then I thought of Stevenson's rocket. Well, Stevenson thought of it, I remembered that he'd done so. Cos what made Stevenson's rocket, the steam engine, the revolutionized steam engine, instead of having one tube with the hot burning gases going through the boiler filled with water, he had many, many thin tubes. So I knew what I wanted, many thin tubes coming through the volume of water that I wanted heated. And I didn't know how to make that. So I went to a metal working man in Bedford. I live near Bedford, not in it, no one could do that. And I asked him, could you build me this? And he said, wow, I said, I don't know, steel. He said, well, that'll corrode. You want to talk to the aluminium man who he knew. Basically, Bedford's a bit like the Wizard of Oz. And I went to the aluminium man and he said, well, I could build it for you, but you could just build it yourself out of copper. I said, just solder it as well. You don't need weldering, just solder it together. And I said, well, won't it melt? He said, no, no, if you've got water in it, it will never get above 100 degrees. I went, thanks, he could have taken my money. So then I got to work, got some copper tools. Oh, the show was called Renegade Plummer. I did this bit. Ding, ding, ding, ding, Renegade Plummer. What's that? Your boiler's broken? Good. Put a jumper on. Anyway, I could have been a plumber, like my father. He could have been a plumber as well. Come from a long line of men who could have been plumbers. So then I got to work on it with some six millimetre copper pipe, with lots of tubes worked out the surface area of a bottom of a saucepan, because with a saucepan, how it works is the hot gases go along the base of the saucepan and then go off. But if I get the hot gases to go up through the saucepan instead, through the hot tubes, so I built it and here it is. I'll show you this. Oh, it's slipped in. That. It's a prototype. It's not very good. I just used a bit of old drainage pipe, which turned out to be a mistake. I thought it was one piece, but it was starting to keep gluing it. Anyway, you can see there's 13 tubes there and inside there's a 12 volt caravan pump, copper base plate, and that just sits on the camping stove. Then I turned it on and it didn't work at all. The hot gases just didn't want to go up those holes. I didn't give up. I went to Maplins, RIP, and purchased a 12 volt computer fan for £8 and put that on top. That sucked the hot gases through and then this did work. This is better than a saucepan. Thank you. It's just like I've won some award. Even though it was working, instead of one hosepipe, lots of thin hosepipes coming off the big hosepipe, so it loses heat better. I built that, but last year I left it out in the winter and the glue that was holding the pipes together sort of denatured and it leaks. So I've gone back to just using one hosepipe. Why bother? Anyway, even as it was working, I could see little drips of solder falling down into the fire and it felt damp afterwards. I've not used it since, but I can't throw it away. It's like a child or something. It's mine, I can't. Anyway, if anyone wants it, I don't want to do it. But I still kept thinking about it and is there any, can I make it any better? I was talking to my dad and he said, what are you up to? I've been working on this under-10 heating system. He said, oh yeah, how's that work? There's a saucepan, a caravan pump, a 12 volt battery. He said, a battery, appalled. I went, yeah, how else are you going to pump water? And then I started, it just stayed, is appalledness, using a battery and a pumped pump water. Is it possible to build something that will pump water without a pump? Just use heat directly. I mean, obviously you could make a steam engine, but then you're going to lose water and steam. He said something, and I started thinking about it. And then I designed and built this, which I shall show you, in my back garden. I haven't brought one with me because I took it apart again to try and improve it. But anyway, yes, probably, I didn't realise you'd be so far away. But anyway, here. And what we have here is, I built this, and there's a heat source that candle things aflame. Water in here and the V things are one-way valves. So the water can only go one way around this system. So what happens is water here gets hotter and hotter and hotter. And when water gets hot, it expands slightly, but it gets hotter and hotter, but it can't go anywhere. It's just going to get hotter and hotter until eventually it turns into steam. And then you get what is called a steam explosion. Water when it turns into steam expands a thousand times. And I built this and it worked. What happens is it expands and you get a big glug, as I call it. So it pushes the water round back into the reservoir at the top. It can't go back that way because of the one-way valve. So it goes round there, big glug of water. And then this tube going down is now filled with steam. But this tube going down is not being heated. So it starts to cool. And then you get a steam implosion. So you get a partial vacuum forming this tube. So that sucks and that sucks it through. And then we're back to square one. And I built this in my back garden and it worked. Not very well, but it worked. But I sat out all day watching it go glug, but slower than that. And I've got witnesses, my children. They weren't very interested. But now I thought, oh, could I improve it? Is there any way of improving that? So then the second version, which is very similar really in what it is. So this reservoir goes down there, goes down. There's your under 10 heating system, comes back, and then goes a lee big condenser kind of affair. So the coolest water in the system goes around the cooling pipe to cool it better. And this didn't work at all. And I have no idea why. Anyway, I started talking about it at gigs again. And I was doing gigging in Sheffield. And a woman came up at the end to buy a DVD of a previous show I'd done. Take cover. And he'll never sell ice creams at that speed. And she said, you should talk to my boyfriend. He's an engineer. And he said, I looked it up online under a steam pump. I was looking up, trying to find you a Google steam pump. I found out about the Newcomen engine, very early steam engine. I used the suction power of when steam turns back to water, you get a vacuum and it sucks. I used that to suck water out of mines. But I couldn't find anything that used the explosion followed by the implosion to try and pump water. And I thought, I just felt so alone in the world. Someone else has done this. This should have been invented in the 17th century. And also, I wanted to make it better. I couldn't find a way. I was doing this gig in Sheffield. And he said, you should look up thermofluidics.com. So I did. And they've invented it as well. It turns out, not exactly the same, but very, very similar. And I thought, well, I was elated. I thought, oh, I'm not alone. There's someone else doing this. Good. Maybe I should get in contact with them. And I started writing an email, dearthermofluidics.com. Hello, my name is Simon. I have invented something very similar to what you invented in my back garden. Shall we be friends? I never sent it. And that was that really. So, dear. Any questions? Well, it works. I'll just get it out of the bag. You can see it. Oh, I still kept thinking. Is it possible to make something better than a saucepan? And yes. In addition to the, is it possible to pump water without a pump? Just using heat? Is it possible to make something better than a saucepan? And I invented this, right? Which is a saucepan. And this saucepan is better than a saucepan if you put this around it. But again, it's not a product. It's a bit of plastic with some tinfoil. Basically, if you've got the, oops, put it like that, right? The hot gases, instead of just going along the bottom and then vanishing, they go along the bottom and up the sides. This is 20% better than a saucepan. Thank you. And I have the graphs to prove it. Not on me. Anyway. This is a show I haven't done for a year. And that's all I can remember it. But I'll just fill in the last five minutes or so. Ladies and gentlemen, I shall, just come back for it. I've been selling units in my merchandise. And my book has recently been republished. So if it's all right by you, and even if it isn't, I'm just going to read some jokes. 25 years of my jokes, 30 minutes to read. What a life. Some of them are good. God is a DJ. He doesn't do requests. Sex, if you want it badly, that's how you're going to get it. Do not punish yourself. You deprive the world of its purpose. Thank you. Life is unfair, most admit when pressed. Even those doing the pressing sometimes agree. But is life so unfair we need a lottery, as well as a justice system? Thank you. If a million monkeys were given a million typewriters, eventually one of them might produce the complete works of Shakespeare, but to reach it, would it be worth wading through 400,000 copies of money by Martin Amos? I don't know. I do nothing without a deadline. With a deadline, I do nothing, until the deadline is upon me, and then I panic, which is doing nothing quickly. My dog has no legs, yet still he chews bones. How does a dog with no legs chew bones with a great deal of suspicion I've noticed? Look at the sea, remember the past. Look at the sky, imagine the future. Look at the land and think of the present. And at the most profound place where land, sea and sky are one, there ye shall play volleyball. So, one more. Oh, is a list of dangerous things. Matches, golf balls moving at high speed, doors marked WC that just have a huge drop on the other side, very heavy weight suspended above your head by a piece of cotton, microwave ovens that sing to you, come put your head inside and turn me on. Cars driven by idiots, cars driven by very sensible people swerving to avoid cars driven by idiots. Cars driven by policemen chasing cars driven by idiots. Policemen generally, they're dangerous. It is universally agreed by all policemen that the police have an impossible job to do. Nevertheless, they insist on attempting to do it. This leads to frustration. Scissors that move of their own accord and attempt to cut your genitals off. Sorry, moving on. The electric guitar, like making love, is much improved by a little feedback. Completely ruined by too much. He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword. Indeed, likewise, he who lives by the pen, he who lives by the fax machine, he who lives by the word processor all shall die by the sword. Only he who lives by the tank shall remain immune. If you'd like to purchase a DVD, a postcard or a book, I'll be selling them out there. Thank you for listening and have a lovely afternoon.