 Ladies and gentlemen, this is Jack Benny and I want to take a moment to ask you not to do something. For by not doing it you can help our boys in the armed services. Don't do any traveling during the holiday season that isn't absolutely necessary. Remember that thousands of soldiers, sailors and marines, as well as the waves and wax, are looking forward to spending Christmas with their families. And believe me they've certainly earned a trip home. And surely none of us would want to cheat one of our boys out of such a furlough. Maybe some of you have felt that just one more pleasure trip isn't going to disrupt the country's transportation system. But if millions of people feel that way you can easily see what happens. Trains and buses become crowded far beyond capacity. So that traveling is no pleasure anyway. So please take it seriously folks. Let's give our boys and their families a real break for Christmas. Let's give them a chance to be together on this one day of all days. The Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day Rochester and yours truly, Don Wilson. Something old, something new. That's the story of Grape Nuts for you. Yes, way back in the days when Wait till the Sun shines Nelly was the song of the day. The talk of the day was the sensational new breakfast cereal Grape Nuts. Well, Grape Nuts is still the leading American favorite. And one taste of that distinctive molly rich flavor tells you why. But today you can enjoy that one delicious flavor in two delicious forms. Grape Nuts, Crisp Crunchy Kernels, Grape Nuts Flakes, Tempting Toasty Brown Flakes. And both Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes bring you essential whole grain nourishment, which make them a basic seven food. One type of food Uncle Sam is asking us to eat more of. For better breakfasts and hence for a better start on the morning's work, better be sure to include Grape Nuts or Grape Nuts Flakes every day. Have your tickets ready please. Step along, the broadcast is already started. Hey mister, is this the Gilda Sleeve Program? No. Tickets please. Is it the Fitch Bandwagon? No. No, keep moving folks, keep moving. Those we love? No, no. Tickets please, have your tickets ready. John's other wife? No. Is it Inner Sanctum? No, but you're getting warm. Tickets, tickets please. Hey look buddy, what show is this? This is the Jack Benny Program. Oh, the Jack Benny Program. Yeah. Who's on it? Jack Benny, Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Oh, well are you going in? Well I don't know, let's see. Jack Benny, Mary Livingston, Phil Harris. Look bud, you're blocking the door, will you make up your mind? That's what I say, either go in or stay out. Tickets please. Where's your ticket lady? I don't need a ticket, I'm Dennis Day's mother. Oh. Anyway, I don't care about the show, I'm here on business. All right, Mrs. Day, go right through. Thank you. Do you work for Mr. Benny too? No ma'am, I work for NBC. Well you're lucky. You'll find a seat right down front, Mrs. Day. Dennis has been on his show five years, and Mr. Benny hasn't given him a raise since he stopped. I don't know anything about that, Mrs. Day. He pays Dennis $35, and because his song only runs two minutes, he tells him he's making $17.50 a minute. Which according to Mr. Benny, amounts to $186,000 a week. Mrs. Day, you're holding up the line. Why he's so cheap, he sharpens his pencil in front of his fireplace so the wood won't go to waste. Mrs. Day, the show has started, will you please go in? Oh mother, mother. Oh, there you are, Dennis. Follow me, I saved a seat for you right in the front row. Good. And when you see that boss of yours telling me he's a cheap, no good conniving chiseler. You tell him, mother, you're bigger than I am. That's just what I'm going to do as soon as the show is over. Well, here's your seat, mother. I gotta run up on the stage. All right, son. Be careful of those steps. Oh, I will. These steps don't turn like the ones at home. That was Hindustan played by the orchestra. Ladies and gentlemen, in the past three weeks, two of the most important conferences in world history have been held. One in Cairo and one in Tehran. So tonight we bring you a man who has recently been to both places. Not Roosevelt, not Churchill, not Stalin, not Chiang Kai-shek. Now it won't mean a thing after those names. But here he is in person, the one and lonely Jack Benny. Well, well, thank you. Thank you. Hello again. This is Jack Benny talking. And Don, you're absolutely right. It's only recently that I was in both those historic places, Tehran and Cairo, Cairo, Egypt. Oh, that must have been thrilling. Oh, it was, Don. Just think. I, little Jack Benny, rode through the same streets that Roosevelt did, went into the same hotel where Roosevelt went, passed the same doorman that Roosevelt tipped. Gosh, it doesn't seem possible. No, it doesn't, Jack. It really doesn't. And, Don, I want to tell you something. If you ever happen to be in Cairo, you must stop at that world-famous Shepherd's Hotel. What a place with its beautiful Egyptian architecture, its spacious gardens, and its front terrace where you meet the cream of international diplomacy. Gosh. I'll admit, Don, that Shepherd's Hotel is expensive. But it's an experience you'll never forget. Oh, I can imagine. How long did you stay at that hotel, Jack? Well, I didn't live there, Don. You see, I wanted to get closer to the Egyptian people and learn their customs and study their ways. So I stopped at the Abdullah Ben Hassan Camel Court. It's in the heart of the desert. Oh, that must have been fun. An interesting two sleeping right out on the desert. Oh, it was, Don. But sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night and you see the strangest things. I remember one night I woke up and I thought I saw Fred Allen's face. Fred Allen's face? Yes. But the next morning I found out it was the Sphinx. Some tourists put a derby on it. So I apologized to the Sphinx and left. I really did. Say, Jackson, you know Allen's back on the air again. I know, Phil. I know. That wreath on my radio isn't for Christmas. I can just hear Allen on his opening broadcast. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Fred Allen talking. Oh. Good evening. Good evening. Good evening. Good evening. Gentlemen, this is Fred Allen talking. Oh. And his jokes. Oh, brother. Look, Jackson, does that guy always talk through his nose? Yes, Phil. He's the only comedian who tells him and smells him at the same time. Anyway, let's not discuss that zombie. Well, Jack, I know you're not particularly chummy with Fred Allen, but in my opinion, he's not only a natural wit, but one of the finest comedians in radio. Thank you, Don. And now, ladies, and what? What was that, Don? What did you just say? I said, in my opinion, Allen's not only a natural wit, but one of the funniest comedians in radio. Don, there's an old Chinese proverb that says, when big fat announcer open big fat mouth, soon find salary, not big fat. Just be glad you've got a job. Oh, Jackson, you're just like a barking dog that don't bite. Huh? Every time Don opens his mouth, you're threatened to fire him, but you haven't got the nerve to do it. Phil, this doesn't... Where's your courage? Let's see you fire Don. Go ahead, fire him. Phil, Phil, I don't want to lose my job, please. Don't worry, he can't bluff me. Go ahead, Jackson, fire him. All right, Phil, if you feel that way about it. I do feel that way about it. Phil, for heaven's sakes, I don't want to get fired. Now, please stop. What kind of a guy do you think I am? I'm gonna back down now. Now, look, Phil, if you don't cut this out, I'm gonna fire you. Fire me? Yes, you. We're talking about Don. What are you dragging me into this for? Now, wait a minute, fellas. Wait a minute. I'm not gonna fire anybody. I like Don. I just don't want him to mention Alan's name, that's all. Another thing, we all ought to be ashamed. Mary's home listening to the program and we're making pools of ourselves. Oh, say, Jack, I meant to ask you, how is Mary? Well, you know how Laren Jitis holds on, but she's much better. And incidentally, fellas, I bought Mary a lovely bouquet of American beauty roses. I sent it to her yesterday. Well, that was thoughtful of you, Jack. Is she allowed to grow out of the house yet? The flowers I bought were gorgeous. I mean, they had those long... Is Mary allowed to grow out of the house yet? You know, they had those long stems. They're very expensive. Jack, is Mary allowed to grow out of... You know, those roses that are so hard to get now. I really... All right, all right. How much is our share? I said, give me the bad news. How much is our share? What do we owe you? Oh, well, I certainly wasn't expecting you fellas to chip in. Even though I did tell Mary, the flowers came from all of us. Of course, if you insist, it's $1.65 apiece. But it's such a small amount, why bother? Well, here's my share. Thanks. Here's mine. Thanks. Well, Dennis? Just take it out of my $186,000. Dennis, your salary has nothing to do with it. This happens to be a cash deal. Okay, here's $1.65. Thanks. And now, ladies and gentlemen, all right, fellas, stop staring at me. After all, when Barbara Stanley was on our show two weeks ago, I gave her a corsage, and I didn't ask you guys to chip in. You didn't have to. You charged it to Robert Taylor. No, certainly. There's nothing sneaky about me. When I send flowers to another man's wife, I want him to know about it. By the way, I think I'll call Mary and see how she's getting along. I'm pretty sure she'll be back on the show next week. All she needs is a little rest now, and then she'll... It's in the residence. Oh, hello, Butterfly. This is Mr. Benny talking. Oh, how do you do, Mr. Benny? Uh, tell me, Butterfly, how's Miss Livingston? She's much worse here and took her temperature. Oh. Oh, is it normal? I don't know. I think he lost the thermometer. The doctor lost the thermometer? Yes, because right after he took her temperature, he looked down at the throat with a flashlight. No, no, Butterfly. He was just looking for symptoms. Yes. Well, don't worry about it, and I'm glad that Miss Livingston is getting along so well. Is the doctor still there? No, he's gone. But before he left, he left some green pills, blue pills, red pills, and yellow pills. That's good. I don't think so. When I give her the blue pills, she turns green. When I give her the green pills, she turns red. And when I give her the red pills, she turns yellow. What? I just can't seem to make him mad. Well, Butterfly, you must have been giving her the wrong pills at the wrong time. Is your Uncle Rochester there helping you? No, he was here, Mr. Benny, but he caught a cold too, so the doctor sent him home. Oh, my goodness. Well, I better call home and see how Rochester is. Tell Miss Livingston I'll see her after the show. Okay. What color would you like to see? No color, and don't give her any more of those pills. Goodbye. Goodbye. Hmm. What's the matter, Jack? Oh, now Rochester's got a cold. Looks like he'll be laid up. I'm going to call him and see how he feels. See, everybody's got a cold now. I bet I'll be next. Oh, you're always imagining you're sick. You're a regular kleptomaniac. That's hypochondriac. Kleptomaniac. Well, I got the last Sibble Bowl ride anyway. Yeah, you got the last Sibble Bowl. Yeah. I wonder what's taken Rochester so long. Hello? Hello, Rochester. What happened to you? Oh, hello, boss. I got a cold over at Miss Livingston's house. A cold, eh? Yeah. Can't you tell by my voice? Yes, you do sound a little hoarse. What are you taking for it, Rochester? Oh, the usual thing. Well, uh... Well, how do you feel? Fine. Wait a minute, Rochester. Have you been drinking? It ain't my fault, boss. The doctor told me to take you for a drink. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. Are you drinking? It ain't my fault, boss. The doctor told me to take two fingers of gin. Well, Rochester... Put my elbows feeling happy. Your elbow... The joints jumping. Rochester, if the doctor sent you home with a cold, why didn't he give you something for it? He did. He gave me some of Miss Livingston's pills. Blue ones, green ones, yellow ones, and red ones. Well, did you take them? I took them all at once. And say, boss, when you come home... Yes? If you see a Scotch-clad rug on the floor, that's me. Well, that's the silliest thing I ever heard. Now, Rochester, the best thing you can do is go to bed and stay there. That's the only thing that will cure a cold. Okay, goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. Now what? There's a notice here from the steamship company that your crate will arrive in about two weeks. My crate? Oh, that's that camel I sent from Egypt. A camel? Yes. Is that one of them things with a yo-yo spine? That's it. But, boss... Well, Rochester is just something I sent home as a souvenir from Cairo. A camel for a souvenir? Yes. Well, that's logical. I'm glad you feel that way. My medicine helped a little. Well, anyway, as soon as you get over your cold, prepare a place for the camel to stay. Now, goodbye. Goodbye. An ostrich, a turkey, a polar bear, and now a camel. You can get the DTs around here on Ours, Jews. Now, Rochester's got a cold, my camel's coming in. Oh, well. Let's have your song, Dennis. Okay, Mr. Benny. I'm glad Mary's feeling better, anyway. Be good to have her back. Oh, sweet. Sweet you are, sung by Dennis Day. And very good, Dennis. That song was beautiful, and you were an excellent voice. Thanks, Mr. Benny. I really mean it. Every week, you sing better and better. Better what? Yes, I'm sorry, madam. No autographs today. And now, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, Mr. Benny. What, Dennis? Guess who's sitting in the front row. I know, I know, I heard her. She wants to talk to you after the show. I know she does, and I'll go sit down. It's about my salary. Dennis, go over and sit down. Stop pushing him. I'm not pushing him. And anyway, Mrs. Day, you're not supposed to talk while the program's going on. My boy just sang, didn't he? Yes. Well, as far as I'm concerned, the program's over. The ball's a nerd. And now, ladies and gentlemen. Mrs. Day, please. Now I'm trying to make these people laugh. Then why don't you tell them what you're paying, Dennis? You don't stop. He can weasel his paying, my boy. Mrs. Day, there's a program going on. He pays Dennis $35 a week. And because he's... He tells my boy he's making $17.50 a minute. Mrs. Day, you're not allowed to stand up on the seats. And I, this audience came here to see a show. $17.00. Please, Mrs. Day, as you stay out of this. And I, I hate to say it, kid, but I'll have to find some way to keep your mother quiet. If you do, my father will be interested. I wouldn't be a bit surprised. My father wears earmuffs even in the summer. You're telling me. Dennis, that'll be enough out of you. Now look, Mrs. Day, this is going far enough. You have no right to come here, sit in the audience and embarrass me in front of all these people. After all, I'm paying Dennis a fair salary. Hear that, folks? A fair salary. Why, I can't even afford to play gin rummy anymore. Mrs. Day, we're on the air. We've got a program to do. Oh, Usher. Usher. Yes, Mr. Benny. Will you please show this lady out of the studio? Okay. Come on, lady. Come on. Usher, if you lay a hand on me, I'll punch you right on my nose. How do you like that? Imagine the Usher being afraid of her. Ladies and gentlemen, why is the Usher afraid of the lady? Why isn't the lady afraid of the Usher? Don. I'll tell you why the lady isn't afraid of the Usher. Don. Because the lady eats grape nuts and grape nuts flakes. Don, this is no good. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, because grape nuts and grape nuts flakes bring your whole brain nourishment in our basic seven food. The kind of food Uncle Sam wants you to eat more of. Don, this is no good. And remember, folks, you get one delicious flavor in two distinctive forms. Oh, kiddo. Grape nuts with crunchy kernels and grape nuts flakes. Toasty brown and sweet as a nut. Don. Thank you. Thanks, Don. Anyway, that put an end to this awful argument. Now, where were we? So, mixed up, I don't know where I'm at. I don't know why everybody thinks I'm taking advantage of Dennis. Now, Don, we've been together a long time. You know I wouldn't hurt the kid. Oh, of course not, Jack. In fact, I look after him. I watch out for him. And why shouldn't I? After all, I'm old enough to be his father. You're old enough to be my father. Now, look here. And she's no chicken. Dennis, that's no way to talk about your mother. Don't mind your own business, you old ghost. What? Wait a minute, Mrs. Day. If you insist on interrupting my show, don't keep yelling from the audience. Come on up on the stage. All right, I will. I push you. I'm up here on the stage. Now, look, Mrs. Day, you came here looking for trouble and that's what you want. You're going to get it. That's telling her, Mr. Benny. All I've seen before was to get my son a raise. That's telling the mom. Your son will get a raise when I think he deserves it and not a week sooner. That's telling her, Mr. Benny. I don't know why all these things happen to me. That's telling her, Mr. Benny. I hire people. I sign into a legitimate 20-year contract. Ah, shut up! Dennis, I've been feeling poetic today. So here's a little something I tossed off, especially for you. Listen, a guy named Ray got up one day and he was late for work. So in his rush, he cried, tush, tush, my breakfast I will shirk. By noontime, Ray was less than gay. In fact, he had the shakes. So now he eats those breakfast treats, grape nuts, or grape nuts flakes. Well, folks, better take a tip from Ray. Don't try to do a man-sized job on a bird-sized breakfast. It can't be done. Dietitians tell us mornings the important time to stoke up. The time when we need at least one-quarter of our daily nourishment. And they also tell us that we should eat a cereal with whole-grain food values. So start the day right. Start it with molly-rich grape nuts or crisp, toasty-brown grape nuts flakes. Both are basic seven foods that provide all sorts of energy-giving whole-grain nourishment. And you couldn't ask for a swallow-tasting treat. Yes, eat a good breakfast. Do a better job. And help yourself to plenty of grape nuts, and grape nuts flakes. All right, folks, the program's over. This way out, this way out. Hey, buddy, you glad you went in? Yeah, pretty good show. I thought you'd like it. Say, is Jack Benny really as cheap as he makes out on the radio? Cheap. Come here, bud. Let me tell you something. That guy, Benny, lost his wallet here with $100 in it. Yeah? I found it a week later, returned it to him, and he charged me interest. No kidding. All right, folks, this way out. Ladies, ladies, here's a prize. Grape nuts wheat meal now comes in a great big new economy size. It saves you time. It saves you dough to buy the economy size, you know? That's right. Your grocer is now featuring the big new economy-sized package of grape nuts wheat meal, the rich hot brown cereal with grand roasted wheat flavor, real whole wheat nourishment. Get hot grape nuts wheat meal in the new 30-ounce economy package. This program came to you from Hollywood. This is the National Broadcasting Company, KF.