 Assalamu alaikum and welcome to Making Our House a Home with myself, Sanaa Arraji and our guest, Fahima Muhammad, a qualified life coach and an NLP practitioner. Assalamu alaikum, Fahima. Alaykum, Sanaam. Now, today we're going to be discussing life after divorce and the challenges we may face during these difficult times. Can you emphasize on this subject for us, Fahima? I think that a lot of the times we disregard this issue. There is a stigma attached to divorced people in general. And I'd like to address the challenges that are faced with regards to divorce. But before we go there, I do also need to highlight that marriage is the most important thing in our culture, in our religion and in modern day psychology. There's a lot of hadith, which I will write to read out so I get correct, to make sure that people, if they think about divorce or if they are going through anything, separation or whatever it may be, to reconsider because it should be the last resort and you should really take as many steps and as much time before you actually reach that decision. And the reason for bringing this topic up is to actually discuss it because unfortunately there are more and more divorces that are happening. Not just in the Western society but now also, more so in the Islamic culture societies around the world and it's becoming more and more common, it's happening more and more often and there are people that are left in that state whether they like to or not regardless of the circumstances, whatever the issues may be and life after that is very, very different. A lot of people say that it's actually like a grieving process, like death because it's an end of a marriage, a relationship, a family, there's so many things to consider that people do not recognize and there is a stigma, a bad negative stigma attached to the people that are divorced whether it's their fault or not, whether it's their idea and reasoning to come to that but at the same time they are just humans and even if it was something that they chose, we shouldn't be labelled for life in any circumstances. So I think to discuss this topic is really vital because there's a lot of people that come to me personally for coaching when it comes to relationships, when it's to have a better sort of idea of living in a family. So it's not just I do couples and coaching and it's not just for couples that are involved romantically but actually even siblings or colleagues and things like that but a lot of the times I do coach couples and it's when they've come to the brink of deciding that they don't get along much or they're thinking of divorce or separation and these are the lucky ones because a lot of people don't even speak about it and if they do it's okay to speak to family and friends but at the same time are you going to be getting the information that is going to be non-directive, non-biased and not you know heading in a direction which is not for just the family. Which is so important isn't it because you don't want them to kind of blame one side or the other side, you want them to have a non-biased view on it, so yeah. Of course. Definitely. So the idea that our preferred peace be upon him and the family does sort of mention that you know to be married you know brings about so much more blessing and sustenance to the household and to the individual there are so many you know benefits when you are in that responsibility and that commitment and the fact that you grow as a person because you've got someone else to consider and that's for the male and the female and this is even just before even having children so can you imagine when you actually decide to have children and you in that family and yes it is struggle and it's you know it's really really challenging to be in a marriage no one should like disregard that fact and the problem is that we do not enter marriage understanding what entails to begin with that's why ends up in this way and also over years we expect the same or we do have our changes within ourselves that we've grown or the other person hasn't grown or developed or you know paths have you know sort of like change in their career or in their mindset and people do drift apart yeah definitely and sometimes we think that how our parents had their marriage we expect the same with with our own marriage so it's kind of understanding that hang on there are going to be issues within the marriage and that not everyone is good you're not gonna have the same lifestyle as your mom and dad it's not your husband is not going to be the same way as how your father was towards your mom so it's kind of being more not tolerating but more open-minded to the fact that you know what that is a different human being a different individual I'm a different individual we have different mentalities and we need to try to find the middle ground the balance between the two of us I mean exactly that what you've just said I can put it in a nutshell to say in today's psychology and studying and researching a lot about relationships which is actually quite new and we have to understand that over the hundred years of relationships it has changed dramatically and we're still learning at the beginning of relationships people got married because you know it was uplifting you know their status or they needed each other's support and you know for you know for like basically family or heritage or name or whatever it may be and then it changed to you know you loving somebody and needing somebody's companionship and that support and now it's more about fulfillment and being in a relationship to have someone uplift you and help you grow and these stages have changed and even though we have our parents in the last generations as role models but the whole psychology and mindset of the need to be in a relationship and in a marriage has changed and we're not aware of that we're not bringing ourselves to that and our cultures do come into play and that's where there is a problem because we're not choosing in with the right way and Islam in our religion is very simple the foundations need to be set and that's it and the rest we grow together and build and create if it hasn't existed at the beginning but the thing is we want everything at the beginning or if it doesn't exist and if it changes throughout the relationship or at a certain stage within a relationship then it becomes an issue and then people don't want to work at it they want to leave it and think that you know it's easy to start again and fresh yeah and that's the other way of looking at things because people are now doing that because there's so much availability people are kind of like you know we can find something better we can do something newer but in every person there's going to be a compromise there's going to be a challenge it sounds something new yeah but to stick with a marriage and to actually work at it and the thing is people don't realize because I coach clients for weeks and months and even years the same person going through different stages and it does take that amount of time for it to work and it does work given that and on the other hand when it doesn't work and you seek you know some sort of coaching or therapy or counseling then even that breakup is a lot more easier because there's a lot of resentment there's a lot of hurt there's a lot of bitterness because there's always one or the other that's not getting what they want yeah and it's very rare that both cases will decide to separate and even if they do there's always like you mentioned before the blame game and the reasons for it and and especially when there's children involved it is really really difficult to sort of manage a relationship that is healthy after a divorce yeah you can I mean there are some instances where divorce can end quite bad yes a lot of the times divorce unfortunately do end where there's a lot of you know resentment hurt and bitterness between the two parties and it causes you know major issues for themselves individually for their families around them relatives and especially the children and it's only after a few months that they may realize that actually we didn't need to go through all of that but when you come to a coach for example especially I am trained in relationship coaching yeah and couples coaching that even if you're going through that process even if it doesn't work out obviously my aim is to help you know resolve things but there are cases that cannot come to a place where they want to resolve it and but the coaching is still vital because then how do you move forward exactly in a healthy manner where they're still not going to be you know hatred or you know any sort of like you know disagreement where it's gonna affect any individual in a negative way yeah and you still need to move forward exactly and if they move forward to maybe eventually remarring in the future getting the coaching or perhaps highlight to them certain things that they did before that were wrong absolutely weak and and you know make that better and then future relationships so they might recognize actually I did that that wasn't a good thing I can't take responsibility yes but now I'm going into a new relationship I should perhaps not do that because I've learned that that was the approach every experience is a learning and a development and a growth and a lot of the time when we're getting a divorce it's not looked upon like that because we just blame the other person for you know coming to that conclusion but we have to take responsibility for our part not for the actual circumstance of it but why it may have led to that and it does happen over months and years prior to the actual decision so there is you know each party has to actually look at themselves and you know evaluate and be aware of it and there are many issues that are raised because in coaching because even if a couple gets divorced especially if there's children there is still a relationship to continue afterwards yeah that still has to maintain to be maintained and it has to be maintained in a you know really safe environment for the children because it's hard enough as it is to deal with that emotion for the individual let alone to carry that and move forward and one is going to take on the burden of the child I wouldn't say it's a bad burden but majority of the responsibility as much as it's shared there is one that's going to be relied upon more so than the other and with that emotional you know trauma of going through a divorce and dealing with how the separation is going to be you know it is a lot of things to consider and at the same time you know to move forward and again like I said it's a grieving process so there are stages of you know that people face after divorce that they have to be aware of so they don't have to feel bad about the fact that they sometimes feel like okay they want to let it out or sometimes they want to be in clothes or sometimes they just want to like you know go into a sort of a cocoon you know a lot of the times people you know deal with it in very various ways different ways which I can make them aware of that it's okay or it's actually not too safe to be continuing in that way because you know the effects and the impact can be really detrimental if it continues you know for yourself and your children and the rest of the family so when I do couples coaching it is so important regardless of the outcome that it's continued so that you know people are aware how to live afterwards and then we have to be aware that yes what are the reasons for the divorce a lot of psychologists you know do you say it comes to the stages of the effects that you know it's for financial reasons lack of communication you know constant arguing and disagreement disagreements even unrealistic expectations and especially nowadays people have like you know you got to be a certain way to have to look a certain way you know it might seem shallow but these are the reasons that people are getting divorced for you know because they look at their partners totally differently and they're analyzing them you know and comparing them that's a thing comparing yes I mean I know a few friends and family and I think the issues that they had was they they were being compared to or they were comparing themselves yeah and I feel like that is not that isn't a good approach because if you constantly compare you're never going to be happy there is always going to be someone that has a better job or looks perhaps a little better looking or if we constantly compare we're not going to be satisfied with what we have there is definitely and I think we need to start looking at what we have and appreciate what if God have been one day our spouse wasn't there or we had lost each other like just constantly remind yourself that you have one another if you are in a happy relationship don't always look out to what others have just embrace what you have yeah today's you know generation with social media and how people post you know gives that impression which is just a moment and they think that it's everything so we need to really create strong minds and psychology within our way of thinking believing and knowing the world around us and what is the actual reality and when we are aware of that we build ourselves like that and I work with people to transform their lives regardless of their situation so that they can see things for what it really is and actually move forward and move past it and I think that there are emotional stages that you need to consider and there are reasons to understand that whether you agree with them or not people do end up being divorced and what do we face from that and how do we live from that and how can we move on yeah and I want to address that a lot of people that are divorced men and women there is a stigma against it they will not be considered for marriage again they will be you know looked upon as someone who is actually a failure because they were in it regardless of who was that you know had that you know impact on them to say that this was final even if it wasn't their choice yeah but if anything someone who comes out of a divorce if anything they are much more aware to actually do it next time in a much more better way you know so if you were to choose somebody for marriage and they have been divorced it's actually a wiser choice in a sense that they've actually had that experience they will actually value what it is they're entering again exactly yeah so we have to change our ways we have to not just you know have these you know boxes that we want to take to say that yes they're tall they're beautiful they have best the you know financial high financial status and profession and they definitely not divorced and they don't have children and things like that because even our religion promotes you know marrying those that are you know divorced and who have been widowed and especially if they have children it's so much blessing and but I got to take that on it's lots of blessing in that and with that you will grow and learn and you will develop yourself from that experience a lot of the times I feel that the actual discrimination is more from the family not the actual people that are involved in getting married so it will be like if a girl and a boy are happy to get married it'll be their parents oh no you shouldn't you know you're you haven't been divorced you should marry someone that hasn't been divorced or hasn't got children so they are constantly being bombarded by you shouldn't do this yes because you haven't so why should you settle for anything less it's like it's for example something lesser than them yeah of course which is the status is lower yeah which status is I find that like something we shouldn't be we should encourage our children if there's if we find that they come from a very good family they're very good people you can see they have good luck there you know their religion they practice their religion very well and their mannerisms are very good why not why should we say hang on no you've been divorced so therefore you can never get married again exactly that isn't fair for the individual female or male families need to move on yeah people need to move on they need to be given second chances and I think a lot of our cultures because obviously you know divorce is not something that we promote that we like and a lot of psychologists do say that people who do get divorced and choose divorce yeah as an option is because they don't have that mental you know stability they don't have that psychology of understanding that we need to work at things and we need to actually you know build and you know having that value and that sense of quality within a family so I can understand why people would do that but then they don't understand you know who's the one that actually made that divorce happen or for example if they did they made a mistake and they shouldn't be labeled for life and they will learn from it because when they're out there it's a different story again people have this perception of how it might be when they look at their friends oh well now they've got freedom and now they're going out and now they do what they want but behind closed doors I hear the stories of people that are divorced and what they go through and it's not easy and I'm not just talking about women it's exactly to the same with men I coach men and they find it very easy to speak to me because I'm non-directive I'm non-bias and I do have a sense of understanding you know how difficult it is for men because they do not actually open up as much as well emotionally and I want to promote coaching because it is really healthy it is something that we don't think that there's a problem with the individual that comes to coaching if anything you are perfect and you donate fixing it's just that you have you know come to a crossroad and you want to make a decision and you want to make the best decision and you also want to make improvements to your life which we have to do consistently anyways regardless of who we are a lot of entrepreneurs a lot of successful business people come to me for coaching because it enhances them it transforms them to become the best high performers in their field and it's the same in a marriage and in relationship you need to master that relationship you need to be the best you can be whether you're married or divorced be the best version of yourself regardless of your circumstance and I work with people to help them in that mindset so their situation there you know whatever they're facing does not control them they're in control and that's the power of you know understanding the whole idea of being in a coaching session and taking this and I think for anyone you know who is divorced it is really powerful it gives you that sense of being knowing that you are still a person who is of value and worth and you can move forward in life okay and what would you say to someone that is probably two minds of gate like is considering to get a divorce but it's perhaps thinking is it worth it like would you what would you suggest for them to do if they feel like they they're not happy in their marriage you definitely have to seek you know some sort of therapy coaching is not really therapy but when I do an LP neuro linguistic programming that is it can come under therapy because it is such a deep emotional state to be in to have that on your head I'm not even saying that whoever chooses divorce they are actually happy to do it it's really hard to walk away actually yeah and especially if it's something built over years and it's your children it's a whole lifestyle it's family that's been separated that were once one and together but at the same time what I really want to address is the challenges when you are divorced is that families do break and the relationships doesn't need to new it's just a different kind of relationship that's what people need to understand you don't need to look at each other with envy and hatred and bitterness and resentment which is what normally that does happen the thing is there's still relatives that are involved and there's still connections that are always there even after divorce whether it's from the children or you yourself you know people marry within their families and you are the same religion you have to look at each other as now brothers and sisters in Islam and that can still work and you need to maintain respect and friendship still even if there's no children involved because if we're practicing and we are preaching then we need to use that in our actions and especially in these challenging times so when someone is divorced don't you know push them in one corner don't disregard them don't try and isolate them because that's what happens and these are the challenges that are being faced when people are being divorced that the outside relatives and families do tend to sort of you know point fingers even in an indirect way or have words to say that will sort of you know put someone down or you know put someone else to make the other person stand up because they're on their side it doesn't have to be like that in fact both parties need to take responsibility both parties are the ones that are involved and they are going through so much emotions then having others add fuel to the fire instead of time is extinguish it and that's what the real issue is the fact that people are now thinking that there's a divorce and we are becoming enemies and yet you've got children together still yet you've got relatives together yet you are still you know even in friendships and circles together and they like want to break that and they want to destroy that and they want to put you down for that and that's you call yourself you know a believer and the follow-up the other baits when our prophet and our imams were even you know kind to their enemies that were actually you know a sort of torturing them literally and we can't move forward with a family situation and I know it's a big thing but at the same time we are hurting each other yes even more so in our homes we are hurting each other after divorce now this is something that needs to be stopped thank you for you man shalla we try and always keep a low at us when we're going through situations like this and unfortunately have to go to a break although we can probably carry on talking about this for a long time and in shalla after the break we will be answering some of the viewers questions and shalla we'll see you soon. Asalaamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakat Asalaamu alaikum and welcome back to the second part of making a house a home where we've been discussing and the issues and challenges we face after divorce so the topic we're discussing today is life after divorce and we now have a few questions from our viewers that for you if you could answer that the grace and so the first question we have is from said Jack and he says my ex-wife makes it very difficult for me to see the children and always and and always telling the kids that I'm not a good father and I'm trying really hard to be strong and positive but afraid of losing my children's respect and love. Well this is very common and it's very very normal for you know one party to be very resentful because you know whether or not she's decided to have you know that divorce take place then you know she will do whatever she can in her power to sort of hurt him back and a lot of the times the weapon is the children and that's why I really strictly advise people to seek coaching because when you are aware of the damage and the impact of your actual you know actions with regards to even this particular case you will definitely you know think twice and stop and at the same time you know you yourself is just letting yourself down it's you holding that you know that hot coal in your hand expecting the other person to feel the fire when actually it's only hurting you and more importantly it's hurting your children you know yes there was a relationship between the two of you but you still have to have a relationship which is civil and respectful and I would really suggest that the two of them even if they're not together especially because they're not together and they're going through this to seek coaching to seek some sort of you know medium that is safe that they both can come and air out because a lot of the times even when they have a divorce there is no counseling that people take there's no therapy before during or after and there's so many things that we have stories in our mind and as humans we have stories in our minds if even a friend that didn't like you or something was to happen we build a story even after speaking to them and we roll with that story without having that communication without clearing the facts without actually saying what is the reality in psychology we have the perception map which is the way in which we think is according to the filters that we have that the environment our experiences the people in which we are surrounded by and how that comes out you know is according to that but as a you know when you're sitting with a trained coach they will make you aware of this they'll even make you aware of your thinking from this sort of belief you're thinking from this sort of value you're thinking from this sort of way and then you become to grow from it and it won't just help in that current situation it will help with your work with your other relationships with you know the way in which you look and think at yourself life is a constant personal development and learning and growth and for something like divorce to happen you really need to take a step back and analyze this from your own perspective from your own self-awareness and you know this needs to be really really addressed because the children do have you know so much that they go into on their own at the same time you know and if you're going to be using it against them at the same time if you're divorced they still have the love for both parents so you're hurting one you're hurting them yeah and that's what people don't see it yeah exactly and in the end we know as psych you know studying psychology that whatever children experience at a young age it affects them as adults so you're actually you know feeding all of that you know experience into them and something like this can be overcome the challenges can be overcome but you have to get the right sort of advice for it and going back to what you said about it will affect the children I mean I know of a friend who parents whose parents were divorced very young and to the point where she resented marriage or even men and so and that was because her parents didn't make her feel like she was safe all that nothing was going on it was so obvious that there was issues and the children can observe from such a young age it will affect them in their social skills when they grow up when they go to work how they view the opposite sex if there has been an issue you know with the maybe abuse or on both ends it will affect the child's mentality so I think we try for the sake of the children try to kind of manage it between the parents without the children feeling that there's anything going on well that's a very strong word you'd use and is managing it yeah and we can manage life after divorce but we got to do it with the right way and I come across so many couples and I hear so many stories even if they don't come to me for coaching you know if I meet them and I speak to them and I hear the stories and it's really really sad that people have gone to court and they've gone through you know the you know the authorities because you know things have just gone way out of hand and then over the years they've come back and actually be friends but they've gone through all that trauma and in that time those children are actually being you know having to deal with that but then the adults are okay after a while but what about them about the children you know and that impact and that effect is you know taken into adulthood like you said and when there are adults you know these sort of experiences even through divorce no matter what statistics say I know I work with couples and I know how they can actually still have friendship and kindness through a divorce and they can actually make it healthy and build the mindset for themselves for each other and for their children and the rest of their family and be so successful still yeah I have witnessed that I work with that and I know that this can be achieved so you need to strongly strongly don't just think I'm divorced now and I'm gonna go my separate ways I don't have any issues to deal with in fact that's when you do need to take the steps to deal with the issues to reflect back so it's really important to do this yeah no thank you for that Mahima inshallah hopefully that helps our dear viewer and our next viewer ML says my ex-husband's family are making it very difficult for me to live my own life again as they spread rumors and lies about me making out that I am a bad mother and I was to blame for the marriage to end and I am now feeling so isolated and everyone is talking about me but they don't understand and accept the real situation as to why we split up yeah like we mentioned before families do get involved and they're gonna take the side of who they are obviously you know related to and you know no one wants to be looking the bad person so in order for their side to look good they're obviously gonna blame the other side so that is to say well even though my son was divorced it was her fault and there's that in the other or vice versa whatever it may be but again when the couples are seeking coaching that can be filtered through the families because if you're doing well trust me you will have that mindset to even discourage them to say don't speak like that she is the mother of my child or don't speak about him like that he is the father of my children and if we're gonna be in gatherings and if we're gonna be sitting together and you know we do mix and mingle we are still you know part of a community we can still say salaam aleikum to each other we can actually sit together we can actually you know exchange you know a few nice words and move on and it is so possible and it's so good and in a case like that she herself needs to know the techniques and the strategies of the way in which to think and believe in this situation yeah so that this does you know this is something that she's in control of and it doesn't become you know overpowering towards her and as much as we can't control others when we are a certain way and create a certain way of being it does you know outdo whatever damage someone else is trying to do you shine no matter what if you have the right intention and the right way of being you don't be sad and depressed and put yourself you know in a closed box because everyone literally everyone around you is talking bad about you or spreading rumors about you or doing things no you come out there and you still live and you still be a lot of people we are conforming to what we see in our surroundings and it pushes us back yeah I work with people to do the opposite you stand out more you become more of the light and you shine so much brighter than before even after divorce even if it's your fault or not even if you were wrong so what we grow we learn we make mistakes but you can still have a friendship you can still have respect you can still be a team and a family for your children even living separately because I know households that are married today and they don't even have healthy relationships but I know divorce couples they're getting on well and they're doing things well because it's all in their mind it's the psychology and I am living proof of that happening with my clients absolutely it can work but you need to seek the real advice not some friend or family member who is only going to be you know sort of a little bit biased or doesn't have the training into you know to help you develop and grow yeah or they might give you what their cultural beliefs are for example they might tell them something that has nothing to do with psychology but how they live their life or how they yes which doesn't work in the stay-in-age not in the society we know now definitely and but yeah shall I hopefully that helps and I pray and shall I you're able to get a resolution with that and our next view is nor and she says I have been divorced for five years now and filmed so lonely and it's so difficult to find another partner who is right I want to settle again but I'm worried because my family do not want that and say I should just focus on my children but I do and I am wrong to feel I want to move on and I've and it will it damage my children they have not helped me find anyone and they push away anyone who's interested in me well firstly in Islam it's really encouraged to be in a marriage and even if it doesn't work out the first time you most definitely can have it the second third whatever time it may take because marriage you know is half your faith in Islam and it doesn't say that you only do it once if it went wrong and it happened where you are divorced you should move forward in life and it is healthy for the children because if anything it's just an addition you're never gonna replace their their mother or their father but you're gonna have an additional you know support you're gonna have an additional you know figure a role model of a mother or of a father if you choose wisely if anything people just don't realize that it's you look upon more and more people as an extension yeah not necessarily replacement and fitting in the same shoes so if you look at it in that way again it's all about the way in which you look at it and you know we have this old mentality especially like for men you know oh yes they can move forward they can move on as many times but for women no they're gonna be at home stay with their kids and it takes away you know that they don't have a life after divorce absolutely not there's a lot of women that have moved on much happier much better if it didn't work out and they can build again and they can live again and they can be successful and they also have a really good relationship with their old partner and they can still have that friendship and that respect you know and the families are together in you know real occasions maybe the graduation you'll have the both dads they all the you know the the second one whatever it may be and it can work you know it's not ideal that's why we don't you know promote divorce of course but it happens divorce happens and it's happening more and more so we need to address how to live when we are divorced and it's not the end of the world and it's not a break of yourself you are not broken no one breaks you don't allow that and don't allow other people to influence you in a negative way and to hold you back if anything you can move more forward with that experience and learning and you can be way on top you know you can shine even more and whatever society stigma or anything says you be that breakage to that stigma and that attachment to whatever negative is attached to being divorced yeah because you only have to please Allah you don't need to please what anyone else says think of what you want what is best for you and for your children because when other people tell you oh don't do this don't do that they're not living in your shoes they don't know what you're going through there are sometimes when women have children and they do need to get married not just for the financial side but for the companionship there's so many reasons who parenting at home having children in today's society as a single parent can be very challenging definitely just having a male figure in the home can straight away turn a home around and the other way around as well having a female in a home with a home where there isn't a female present can make the home of course so you know always think what Allah what Allah wouldn't make it permissible if Allah didn't know there were situations where it was needed exactly exactly and you know as humans we have a natural need for companionship and connection regardless of situation and you know you take time after divorce to find yourself you know build yourself and be emotionally stable so that when you entering another relationship that you know you're not going to be having any fear and you're not going to be carrying from the past anything that's gonna obviously you know be detrimental to the future you know partner or relationship or whatever it may be and your kids need you as that role model you need to be out there as women as men that are divorced that are still being part of society in a very proactive and a very positive way because it's you're still human and you are just like everyone else you just made this mistake other people are making other mistakes probably ten times worse but at the same time it's not even a mistake you know you might be the one that's just put in the situation of divorce and you're dealing with it but you can still make so much out of it that stigma that name divorce it's the most hated thing yes and you are part of that and you are that but you shine through it you break those walls those barriers and you make it something so much bigger and your children will thank you for it that's when they're gonna grow and they're gonna look at you differently exactly you be an example to what you would love to see if you have an idea and a vision you know as coaches we always have these plans and goals and outcomes that we've tried it for our clients to visualize and we make them help help them manifest it by visualizing you know the law of attraction it all comes into you know my way of working because if you believe in something and it's Islamic you know Allah says if you want something ask for it believe in it think positive this is all my work it's not just coaching it's Islamic I'm bringing today's psychology with Islam because it's so in you know in keeping with you know everything is so straightforward in that way and it's in every situation whether it's you know whether you're a widower whether you're a divorcee whether or not you're just single and you cannot get married for so many reasons after so many years all these issues you don't let that overrun you and take over you you take control of it and you still build yourself as an individual as a person you still put yourself out there in your community in society and you be way on top and nothing and no one will stop you absolutely nothing and would you say for parents who like in a nor situation if she was to remarry and her children were to see to see that how would you think you can make the children understand that and someone else is coming in there sometimes there can be difficulties with a new person how can you make them transition from coming back with children there are different stages obviously depending on their age and you have to be open to educate them and make them aware that you know it's not just a marriage for that for the actual parent it is actually a family again coming together to build a unit yeah you know that person's coming for them as well you know they're marrying the family now you're not just an individual so it's the way in which you make that come in you know and you got to choose wiser even more so because that person is taken on the extra responsibility they have to make effort they have to be aware there's going to be emotions and states in that household which they have to overcome there's going to be up and down I mean in a normal circumstances hadn't hard enough anyways yeah with parents to cope with their children's going through different stages but for someone new to come in I look at it as something actually good because sometimes they could be listened to more because with your own parents you know you can mess around and play around a lot more not take them serious whatever it may be I always bring the positive into it I always look at the glass half full and you know if you look at life like that it will be like that and you make it like that and you create it like that you educate them you talk to them about the importance of that family unit and if one family is broken down because of you know your choice or the other person's choice doesn't mean that family cannot be recreated with another individual in it and you know you give them lots of love and attention and again when you go through coaching you know it helps you go overcome these stages and talk about these issues and I do family sessions I do group sessions so that everyone can actually you know how much connection can be built from a situation like this if anything that you would not even address if you were just carrying on normally on an everyday life so Allah subhanahu ta'ala brings us to these situations for us to grow and learn okay whether it's death divorce whatever it may be we need to learn from it it's come to us for us to kickstart us and jumpstart us to the next stage not for us to go back be depressed why me why does it have to happen you know look how people are looking at me how embarrassing yeah you can take that road and you're gonna go nowhere and people do that most of the time and they can held back but I see a lot of young people that are getting unfortunately divorced but they're using their mindset in a positive way to learn and grow so that it never happens again they can still live they can still be good influences good role models and especially the ones that have not chosen to be divorced they are taking this opportunity to make sure that they are making others aware of the challenges and that it doesn't happen continuously mm-hmm don't you know look down at someone because of that don't put them down don't look at them down don't isolate them and you know this is the things that we need to sort of you know advise in the communities when it comes to this definitely in shahla and another way perhaps they should try to find something that will build their self-esteem and confidence if for example if you've never registered to go to the gym or anything like that you got the freedom at the time get into it do something to boost your confidence that will make you feel like you know what I can take on the world that's it that's what I do in my sessions you know I lift people up and I transform them and I make them create you know the better the best version of themselves and live it you know coaching is so powerful and the individual do come out of their situation even if the situation remains the same those people around them haven't changed even if it's gone worse gossiping or whatever it may be whatever the questions that you've given to me all of that doesn't change but they themselves change and that filters and builds their life into something so extraordinary and that's what my job is and I want everyone to understand this so that they can actually you know elevate their lives no matter what they put in and divorce is not the end of the world absolutely not and even especially if it's not your choice and you feel that you know you've been put in the situation and you know that's it for you no it's not I challenge you and I will come and sit with you and I'll you know help you through the next stages and believe me you will only be you know going higher and higher you'll be climbing up that mountain very very quickly and you will reach the top thank you for you with our self-lifting and I pray that that's helped you do a dear viewers and inshallah hopefully we pray that if you go through any challenges that Allah blesses you and you're able to overcome your challenges thank you so much for welcome and it was a great topic to discuss and unfortunately we have come to the end of the show and inshallah we will see you next time I'm making a house a home as-salamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh