 Personal notice dangers my stock and trade if the job's too tough for you to handle you got a job for me George Valentine write full details a Few years ago a new slogan or slang expression was thrust on the vocabulary of the American public You remember it? It came in very handy when the wife wanted you to clean out the attic or your brother-in-law put the bite on you for a 10-spot it was quote drop dead Unquote of course it never did you any good But it was better than 23 skadoo or go jump in the lake if you listen carefully You may get some tips on how to use the expression with more effective results It all started with a phone call at George Valentine's office by a little fellow who was just full of questions Oh, let's see if George has any of the answers. Don't you want a story? Hold it. Well, yeah, who is this Jerry? You like that. I'm a writer and I have a story. Yeah, well, this is George Valentine and I'm not a publisher You've got to meet me right away Captain Charlie's Neptune Palace the old waterfront district captains. Who's what I live here It's an old hotel. I'm collecting material, but this particular story I'm afraid I don't know how it ends and that's why I need you sounds to me like it goes around in a circle I want to be there when it ends. Don't you understand? That's why I'm calling you instead of the police Police what kind of a story is it? It concerns a mysterious stranger and a seaman who choose tobacco and mostly of course the parrot the what the parrot A green and orange parrot ordinarily. I don't like parrots myself such mangy squawking creatures But captain Charlie, of course a green and orange parrot now look friend If you meet me in 15 minutes at the foot of tide Street, please You don't want anyone else to get their hands on this story. Do you? Well, I don't know mr. Yule it all depends whether or not this story has a happy ending and from where I said I'll bet you it hasn't However to keep things even here's another kind of story that I know has a happy ending Now let's see George and Bruxy were supposed to meet a mr. Yule at the foot of tide Street Say that's a pretty rough part of town You better watch it George. You might get in over your head. Is it always so foggy down here? Well only in the summer captain Charlie's Neptune Palace quite an ornate old place, isn't it? Well, the rooms are empty now or most of them and half of it is locked off Of course it tips like a one-legged man there where the piling was underneath the sinking The commercial docks went away and left this district to see when they built the new peers Yeah, I know beer and sandwiches step into the kitchen and make your own rooms 50 cents Quite a come down from the kind of hotel. It must have been one But there's no transient trade you understand miss Brooks just the ones captain Charlie asked to stay permanently Like writers who specialize in foggy story Now it just be patient Mr. Valentine. I Want you to understand this setting that's all it's mood. It's it's character. It's strange Oh, no, look at me friend captain Charlie, I suppose. No, no, this is more than Business cards menus and wedding announcements. That's his line. What why he used to do the menus on the Lusitania no less Been sunk ever since He prints Charlie stationery for him not that Charlie ever uses any but that's how he took him in That's all right, Sadie go back to your knitting there That's Sadie. She used to own the place back in the gay days when it was Sadie's Neptune But Captain Charlie never had the heart to throw her out either Well, your friends you oh never mind us All we care about is a story now that we'll ever get it. Yeah. Well now Morton here. He was in it. Oh, no, I'm not Charlie give me a check with the 25 bucks Don't mix me up in your fiction parrots Look buster for the last time when you tell us what this is all about Mr. Yule no matter no matter the welcome's always out But you know what I've been here sitting and thinking me and Limey here right skipper and me been thinking be quiet Right skipper. The next thing this hotel needs is a rubber plant. I remembered in Bombay once I I seen the most lovely rubber plant. I wanted to tell these people about last night Oh that well now. I don't blame you Last night young lady. I bought the most lovely green parrot that any man ever saw Do you know this morning captain would you mind sticking with last night? What is it? What happened last night? He told you governor. He bought a parrot No, no, no, no, no, no, but a story should begin at the beginning and mr. Valentine The very first thing was 25 dollars. That's what woke me up. What right? I woke you up to Bollywood see only he didn't have it and neither did Sadie So I had to break the lock on Morton's room and dig it out of his stuff That's on account of the skipper. It was a little short in the cash register Made Morton soar to made all of you soar. Oh, not me skipper Nobody appreciates a good parrot young lady, but I do and I bought him Had to scrape up a whole hundred dollars. That's the story But I made it and I bought him limey run fets the bird show the people right skipper. Whatever you I'll give you a hand in case he talks back Uh yule is that all there is to it just that the captain bought a bird mr. Valentine The stranger now, let me tell you about him the man. He bought the bird from the mysterious stranger Don't look at me that way. He was he was a foreigner of some sort He was a hindu or sick or something one of those big fellas with a beard and a turban But a sailor and he and charlie jibbered away at a great rate in some heathen tongue Oh now look friend wanted to get rid of that bird the sick did acts as if he was afraid of him That's why all the fuss about the money He was so anxious to get paid and get out and when he left he left her running. Well here now wait Here he is Careful there limey carefully. Don't slip off your shoulder He's taking quite a fancy to limey here. You know that that's the parrot Isn't he the most lovely bird you ever saw? Well, I wouldn't exactly say oh limey's gonna clean him up a bit You know how it is But here here. Let me show you. This is a piece of resistance Now come on, baby. Say it speak out for the people baby. Oh fine birdie talk show That's a baby. That's a baby talk right up like you did to the heathen. Speak out, baby Ah Drop dead. Isn't he the most lovely thing you ever heard drop dead. That does it valentine. Wait, wait, wait Wait, wouldn't it interest you if I told you that I took a walk this morning just before I called you That I found the sick that heathen sailor who was so afraid and so anxious to get rid of the bird And that the poor man was just lying there in an alley Dead Now wait a minute that man didn't drop dead. He was rolled. Look at his pockets. See for yourself Slugged and rolled that's all. Yeah, you're right lieutenant Only whoever hit him tapped him a little too hard. It's happened more than once down here Don't you think it's interesting that and never mind that eye of the idle mystery magazine stuff either, mr Yule when I want to know is why you didn't report this to the police quicker But here in the alley, I knew no one would find him besides which a beard and a turban You don't even know he's the same guy you saw last night. I think he is Ah, there's a whole shipload of these birds and port. Can you tell him apart routine? That's a routine case and you've got to clutter it up big mystery Okay boys, where's that wagon? Well, mr. Yule I wrote a story about one of these fellas Hey, hey, what are you doing Johnson? I'll cut your gizzard out if you touch that body You're in enough trouble as it is. Let go of me The turban. Yeah Hold that flesh. Huh? Oh brother there You see I told you it was the same man Whoever all the sailor just wasn't so bright about worried carry his money, huh? 60 70 yeah, give me that Yeah, it's the hundred bucks. All right. No, no. No, I'll keep it Only so what this still doesn't mean the parrot had anything to do with it. Hey, mr. Valentine Look at this Did you ever see an ori entrel who chewed tobacco? What a plug Okay, so there's been somebody around here lately you choose to back of it Oh, yeah, I remember you said on the phone something about a seaman who choose to back Yes, she's a big fellow, but an American seaman. Well, where did he creep in? Now look bust you better spill the rest of what you know fans. I've told you everything honestly I have he was just a seaman. That's all I didn't get much of a look at him But this morning when I woke up He was peering in my window And when I shouted he ran I came out to look around That's when I found the body And then I ran. Well, that's a good idea. Mr. Valentine. All right. You too, doc This Brooks is still back in the car you a lot of the other way tell Johnson I went to get it. Would you have some other lie? No, no, you stay there and hold hands with Johnson. Hey Valentine. See you later. I'm gonna write a story George remember he said that man in the turban seems so anxious to get rid of the bird Hey captain Captain charlie This is a crazy strange place, isn't it? That captain gives me the jitters. I never mind. I don't want to see him anyway Limie's the one who'll talk for us a weasel if I ever saw him But why? What can he tell you? What is it you're doing? Here we are through here Just check the information we've already got broxene Yeah, I'd like to weed out some of yule's weird notions. He's about stupid enough to think that bird is some sort of weird George relax angel up at the head of the stairs. That's Come on. Let's speak of the devil Something at the bottom of the stairs too. Limie. It's limie. He's dead You know, I've always found it pretty tough to squeeze juice from a lime Well, that can't be true with everyone because here's a case where somebody squeezed a limie too hard Couldn't have been the parrot, but he might have been the inspiration Now, uh, if you're in need of inspiration, why don't you give this a listen? Her name is george valentine You don't believe in the kind of story that has a parrot in it When the parrot says drop dead people drop dead. The only trouble is they do First a foreign sailor who sold the bird and now the next man that the bird took a liking to limie Yes, limie is just about as dead as the sailor was. Who's going to be murdered next george broxene cut it out But limie didn't just fall down the stairs. It's a dark stairway. It could have happened only you doubt it Yeah, I guess he was dead before he fell But I guess isn't good enough, is it? It's also unbelievable all these crazy characters. There's another explanation of some kind You want to bet it's nice and simple. No Okay, maybe not But for instance, why is the parrot important? Why was that mangy captain so anxious to buy him in the first place? Why is mr. You were so interested. I get the idea. So run out and get the police, will you? Well, what are you gonna do? I want to see who's around angel mostly upstairs Well, the bird is for why I know he hopped off down the hall. See you later. All right, george You sure fell all right busty Well, so who pushed you or slugged you first? Give him off me It's Sadie Sadie. All right, just a parrot. That's all just take it easy. Take it easy. He's out the window now, huh? Sitting there on the kitchen roof like he was real proud of himself only what happened. I was sound asleep I told captain Charlie. I wouldn't stay here if he kept that bird I never allowed parents when it was my hotel. This was a respectable place Sure, sure, but look Sadie, did you hear any noise out by the stairs a while ago? Maybe about half an hour ago No, why should I everybody's been out except that awful creature? I heard them go Why strip it only tell me something Sadie How long have you lived here 40 years now? I'd say off and on Barring a couple of marriages, but I always come back Oh my lands. I wouldn't know any other place to live none of us would all been here for years with captain Charlie Well, of course except that you'll naturally he's recent. We're all sort of has-beens, but Captain he keeps us all under his wing. He's a wonderful man. It's a generous honest That was what you wanted to ask about wasn't it? Uh, yeah, captain charlie Ask anybody in the district about captain charlie. He's okay. Okay Nothing bad about anybody here except for that bird. Yeah, I'll I better get him off that roof Oh be quiet Sadie somebody else trying to get him off that roof too Very popular bird. No, no, stay there. I can make it around the ledge just stay in your room Big cramp shot will you? Best noise now that's the stuff. Don't you know a seaman? What have been easier to climb up with a ladder? What bird watching society? You always chew tobacco when you go parrot hunting beat it. Will you buddy? I don't want no trouble I don't blame you not on a slippery roof. Stay out of it mac. Hey, don't reach for that bird. I want to talk to you Stay where you are. I said Yeah, now look what you did that's the kitchen flu. He's climbing into now. I can all have fun getting him out Yeah, well, let him stay there forget him. You're the one I want There's a little matter of people dropping good. I don't Mac. I had enough. I don't want no trouble This is where I came. I don't try that. Hey you so long suck. Look out. You you'll slip Valentine you're the one. Oh stop it. Johnson drink your coffee for everybody here folks help yourself The seaman isn't dead lieutenant. His skull wasn't fractured So we got to wait for hospital reports before we can get him to talk Johnson for the 10th time leave me alone. Well, yeah, go solve your two murders If you check to all these people on when they last saw limey Now we checked and double checked and still haven't found anything. Okay, then leave me alone I'll drink my coffee and think about it. Sure. First you pocket a hundred bucks and run Then you find something but won't say what it is then you Johnson What kind of an idea did that seaman give you? What you got up your sleeve or break up this picnic and maybe you'll find out, but you All right. All right everybody get out of here. There's a genius working on a story. That's all for now. Break it up Bring it up All right, they've gone now. So come here brace me Angel and you can read it too What's your name? George get off of that story. That's a big one. Got a big event. What the flu? Hope he's all right Yeah, I can reach it Oh, where are you boy? Come on come on. Oh brother suit recent cobwebs. You mean he's been there all this time the parrot. I hope he's in here Hope I can reach Sure, here we go Look at the poor thing Well, I'll clean him up a little hibby. All right, George. What are you gonna do with him? I wouldn't touch that bird if it laid golden eggs. All right, hold still Now brooksy listen We got to find out once and for all if this bird really does have anything to do with all the crazy stuff going on here You're sure hard to convince. Hey, hey get off my coffee If you're thirsty boy, we'll get you a drink Now brooksy you go in the bar where johnson is give me five minutes head start them tell people I found the parrot and took off down the alley This is the only way to find out isn't it to see who comes after me The bird itself can't have any value But maybe somebody thinks it does it Oh brooksy now look just because everybody who's been around this long-nosed chicken has gotten into trouble All right, all right. I'll do it. There must be easier ways to find the end of a story Okay bird. Let's get some of the grease off your feathers Bird of alohman, huh? Big mystery bird How do you like that? Get yourself all stretched because in about five minutes we'll go outside and see if anybody meets us We'll find out just how dangerous it is to hang on to you when you're You know Hey bird snap out of it. What's the matter with you? How you having it? Come on boy. Come on that This Oh brother Drop dead, huh coffee The coffee you took a drink of my coffee brooksy johnson George listen to me. Can't you hear me here? Here slap him with the wet towel some more. I'll do it. I'll do it captain That stuff can't hurt him any get you and your crazy joint. Get out of here. All right. All right You you all drink that stuff too. Oh george here now. Don't move You told me five minutes. It was five minutes before anybody even started to look for you Sure sure sure just me, huh? Just my coffee. We're not all dead, huh valentine. I regret to say I know I lost it up again an old-fashioned knockout drop they keep them behind the bar Naturally the wood in this kind of a place. Wait a minute the bird He's all right george and making a lot more sense than you all okay johnson somebody dope my coffee Everybody had a chance everybody knew I was gonna be here alone But at least it proves that somebody right here doesn't it? Hmm You nominate the semen. Yes, but why did this happen george? We found you and the bird hadn't been touched your movie What here? I'll help you. No, no don't touch me. It wasn't the bird. They were after it was me Only why me? What have I got that they that hundred bucks? Look in your pocket. See what was taken I thought I had it in this pocket Not a wallet's okay or anything else 60 70 89 No, it's all there. Nobody commit crimes just for that amount of money No, no, of course not. So get on your feet. We start all over at the beginning johnson. I think better on the floor You know all this business could be awfully simple sure hindu's and parrots and see captain this thing with me could be a mistake Limey could just have fallen down the stairs the first guy we already know was just slugged and rolled I think you'd better stand up george. Okay, too far fresh down But a desperate man might hope that's the way to go down like what man like why? What are you talking about captain charlie's respectable isn't he johnson honest and good with the police That's right for years the same goes for the people. He's kept under his wing morton limey saty sure sure sure charlie keeps the place clean All right only What's that got to do with it? Listen a foreign sailor comes in with a parrot last night and all blazes breaks loose Everybody's imagination dives off in seven directions It isn't imagination if the bird was involved in every crime though Is it here with you with lime you took care of them with a sailor brought him in sure and you get So wound up you don't notice something else that was involved with everyone what george the money that paid for the parrot Huh But you just said that dough in your pocket hadn't been touched. I thought I had it in the other pocket. That's all But suppose while I was out suppose the reason I was dope was to get at that money and do something with it Now look if it's there it's there and that something was the last crime that needed to be done From here on the mysteries could stop george for heaven's sake. Okay angel. Okay words of one syllable Suppose in this place one person isn't so respectable being fooling charlie along with everybody else for years And last night limey broke a door a lock Why would anybody lock a door around here incidentally? But who are you because charlie needed 25 dollars more to make up the hundred the sailor wanted for his bird remember Well, limey got it. All right. He found it in morton's room Well, well johnson from there on one two three Morton was mad remember but the sailor had already gone Then the sailor was slugged and rolled But if it was morton he couldn't find the money he wanted to get back george limey didn't have any money Limey was a weasel suppose he got to asking morton about that money He took suppose he caught on to what i'm catching on to So morton killed him scared to death of discovery now with one accidental murder already to his credit All right, then came me Do you want to bet i was dope so that 25 of that hundred could be replaced with a different 25? Holy smoke sure that's right Replace with genuine money george morton's a printer isn't he you got it his press must be in the locked room He printed menus remember green ones with pictures of lincoln and washington and people like that on that's the idea And it explains everything a counterfeiter Trying to keep from being discovered. Well, come on. Don't just stand there morton Ain't morton. He was here just a second ago. We ran upstairs when you came out of the kitchen. There he goes morton Sergeant sergeant Hold on angel. Let the police do the rest. Say what's going on anyway Hey Look, ma'am. Ain't this a lovely bird. You know someday i'm gonna get me a rubber plant and then Well, but george even if morton did commit those crimes. It still doesn't explain everything There's still that tobacco chewing seamen who fell off the roof and the parrot. Hey, hey, you didn't start this story You'll did so stick around a minute and i'll give them the rest of it You're right brooksy. There are a lot of questions that still need answering So while george is getting his story straight Suppose we all give this story a listen Yes, he was a counterfeiter. I understand All he wanted was to get his 25 dollars back, but the seamen george. Oh, yes Yes, the mysterious man chewing tobacco while he was a little logic the sick the foreigner Who was so anxious to sell the bird in a hurry didn't speak english. Yes, that made it all the more Where did his bird learn to say dropped in? Oh And every clue you'll gave me about him suggested the obvious The sick had stolen the bird and was trying to sell quickly before the guy stole it from caught up with him You tell him from the hospital, huh? Well, this might not be all clairvoyance, but sure The seamen didn't want to get mixed up in any trouble, but he still wanted his bird back His and that's all there was to Oh my beautiful romantic story of the waterfront With all those strange characters Don't get carried away again And dear my beautiful story anyway cheer up, mr. Yule Maybe you could sell it to one of those mystery shows on the radio. Sure Call it Drop dead Just in case we lost you somewhere along the way George valentine was played by robert bailey And brooksy played by virginia greg David victor and jackson gillis wrote the tale and eddie dunsteader played the music Now this is yours truly inviting you to our next visit with valentine When you will again hear what happens When you let george do it