 Hello and welcome to part 9d of our reading of the Magdalen manuscript We're in the section of one woman story if you have missed the previous episodes There is a link down in the description box below both on YouTube and on rumble where you can find the previous episodes So today we're gonna get started on page 222 and I had been called by an island in northern sky and by a great teacher into the wind a Few months after my chicka-teague experience. I saw a video that sounded a lot like my teacher in the wind And so it was that I packed up my daughter's clothes my business bought a van and packed it for the road trip I was going west to write the teachings of this great master and to work on my unfinished business so that I would be ready There are memories I hold dearly from that cross-country trip with a six-year-old and an eight-year-old We camped at night our modest older Volkswagen West follow wedge between huge converter buses and motor mansions Linen tablecloths and silver goblets emerged from our turtle shell and while our neighbors stuffed themselves in plastic chairs Outside of their 200,000 motorhome guzzling beer We breakfast on egg benedict and served our grilled cheese sandwich with our crust trims and drank our tea from silver goblets I sat in a pool of water But he forced you falls in West Virginia the day my briefing was given to the executive branch of the White House Laughing under the pelting warm water. I could have stayed for for briefing for the glory of saying I'd been there But I chose the waterfall instead It was the 4th of July 1986 and it seemed a more fitting statement to make about freedom to sit on a waterfall rather than to sit in the Oval Office of the Reagan White House. I Experienced my first ever migraine in Elk Creek, Kentucky My head was pounding and I thought I'd better stop driving It was early afternoon when we pulled into the Elk Creek campground I picked a campsite as the blinding pain sent me driving underneath covers for darkness Next door to our camping site Elsa permanently camped every summer She's drawn Christmas tree lights and had fake grass laid out on the on the entire breadth of her space Her wooden sign announced her encampment to the constant stream of family and guest as I passed out from the pain I held a vague memory of seeing Jenny and Adrienne wonder over and enter Elsa's picket fence where she held court on a lawn chair picking beans a little Chihuahua by her side. I awoke hours later Electrally rewired as I was to be for years from these headaches that always took me down for what seemed like days I was horrified. How long had I slept? Where were the girls? I had no intention of letting them out of my sight on this trip having heard so many horror stories of children disappearing on their way To the bathroom at a campground. I pulled back the curtain on the van window and allowed the wanting and allowed the waning light To have dust to penetrate my optic nerve only when seeing slightly There were the girls picking beans with Elsa next door. God I thought what on earth will she think of me? I've been gone for however long asleep in a van when my children roamed around She was an older woman and I learned to be frightened of them having been erased by one. I stumbled my way to the door and over through the little gate beneath Elsa's place at Elk Creek sign The girls greeted me excitedly and begged to show me the tricks Elsa's Chihuahua could do Elsa agreed and they dispatched a little dog to fetch a drink The little snippet of short white hair raced into the camping trailer and dragged out a can of beer ferociously he growled and minutes didn't drag the can back and forth across the fake grass Slamming it into the lawn chairs clawing and scratching at its pop-up until it began to leak beer Gleefully he then laid back pulling the can over him catching every drop as gravity drew the liquid down his throat So Elsa said to me the girls tell me you're taking them off to some island Way up in northern sky smack dab in the middle of nowhere. You got a good reason for doing that Fear clutched at my throat was she going to judge me for this was I going to buckle under scrutinization Could I think of some lie to justify this action on my part? No, I heard myself say I don't have a good reason for doing this. I just want to Good Elsa said I never saw happiness come from anything done for a good reason. I Knew then we were on a magical journey of spirit not mind It continued from philosophical conversations with old folk singers on a riverboat along the Missouri To saving a frog in a whirlwind on the white river in the badlands in South Dakota I like Missoula, Montana so much that I got down on my knees in front of the van outside of a Chinese restaurant and cut It a deal. I promised my van that whenever broke down I'd consider that as a sign that we were supposed to stay there Then I started the engines silently hoping it wouldn't start. It started We continue until we ran out of land at the edge of a little town in northern Washington State We boarded a ferry on the way to the island whose I call I heard all the way back east The three of us huddled against the wind in the bow of the boat and saw to the recognition as home approached Hear my heart saying hear my soul breathed with joy and recognized divinity Here where cliffs at the sea entwined with a chain as ancient as memory. I found some sense of place I had never known before But no one was expecting us. There were no banners out that read welcome We have been waiting for your arrival sit down now and write the books you were called to write. Here's your paycheck Reluctantly we stayed as long as we could but since no one made an offer we headed off either to the Southwest or home We can make that decision along the way But we were so close to a huge snow cone called Mount Rainier that I couldn't see how we could just be that close and not climb it It was after all right there in front of us begging for a pilgrimage Alas after climbing all the way up the engine finally blew on the way down and there we were stranded or was it gifted a Blown engine would take a minimum of two weeks. I called home and had the same experience We had nightly when we tried to call We got the phone machine when I finally got through to the girl's father telling him we were stranded He didn't say oh Let me fly out and take care of this. Are you all right? What can I do to help you? Let me fly you home right now and study said so what does this mean to me? We never returned Through the next five years I was a single mother living with eagles and whales on the island in northern sky since their father was on the other Coast he wasn't around to take them on weekends or overnight so there were no off nights for me No weekends alone life was full-time all the ear infections continued Through all the born-again virgin years. I had one mantra. I repeated this mantra over and over to myself I repeated in the bathtub on a hikes up the mountain on the way to school to pick up the girls everywhere I must have said this at least 20 times a day for those five years From the Lord God of my being and to the mother father within I call forth all my unfinished business bring it forward Bring it forward anything. I have not looked at bring forward my fears my jealousies and my insecurities Bring it all forward and let me work on it now. So be it Occasionally I must admit I added a line to my mantra The Lord God of my being and to the mother father within I call forth all my unfinished business bring it all forward And I may finish it so I'll be ready to meet the mate of my being The girls and I were so close during those years that we couldn't button a sliver between us We were all we had We lived on 900 a month for most of those years Once I sat down with both Jennifer and Adriana and we talked about what to do. I worried constantly about money I explained that we could move back to DC and I can make a lot of money again And their clothes could come from Bloomingdale's again as they once did Now their clothes came from secondhand rows. I Explained that I wouldn't be as available as I am now But that we could have help and they could take music and dance and have the things they didn't have We had managed to hang on to nice winter Rental with large rooms and beautiful furnishings, but it was no longer in the budget though We though we moved out of it every summer and sort of floated around until we could have it back in the fall But it was still out of the price range now And we faced a wall of expenses, especially if I was going to try to produce a book They listened patiently to my presentation of our financial situation and they both intoned simultaneously. Oh, no We came here so you could live your dream. You mustn't give up your dream We can move somewhere cheaper. Nothing will ever work if you don't live your dream And so it was that we located to a deserted trailer with missing ceiling panels and allowed and allowed Insulation blackened with mildew to hang down into each room to say the roof leaked was a gross understatement We had no furniture with us and couldn't afford to move our furniture from DC So we acquired enough furnished loosely translated please our single wide on the beach We got our queen-sized foam mattress in the dump. It was v-shaped with a deep crevice in the middle We all slept together me in the middle one little girl on either side I slept with little arms and legs sprawled all across me We turned as one tangled mass sometimes getting caught in each other's lips It seemed to always have a little I seem to always have a little arm across my face I loved sleeping that way of all the things I felt anger at their father for somehow every Christmas I resented him most He had all the Christmas ornaments and lights in his comfortable four bedroom home and rest in Virginia The one his father had made sure he continued to live in he never used an after we left I've since discovered but he wouldn't shift them to us And so we had no Christmas ornaments and certainly could waste money buying any One year our dear friend the island doctor brought us ornaments from his tree so we could have something to hang One year we couldn't afford a tree So a friend brought us a tree from high atop a mountain on an island where he had logging rights It was a hemlock tree with beautiful green branches much prettier than the trees of Christmas pass We hung a few little ornaments on it strung it with popcorn and Matarona back berries admired it and went to bed when we woke in the morning The girls ran out to see their tree only to find it all over the carpet Hemlock trees drop their green needles inside We were picking hemlock needles out of the carpet for days That was the Christmas of Madura branch. I thought it was quite a statement for the environment itself No tree had to die and a Dan dead branch got honored I don't think the girl shared my altruistic opinion of that particular dead branch We fixed the roof and slowly repaired the ceiling tiles holy back the deadly installation finally But only after dozens of ear infections and one by one we each had thrashed in the boiling temperatures of viral meningitis I remember slipping through the dimensions and twirling through the underworld a hell of sweat and burning My head didn't hurt hurt doesn't even come close to what the agony felt like it felt like my morrow was being boiled Well, I was still in body and I ached me on the world and into this next so I've talked about this before the last time I was in India. I got really really really sick. I get sick every time I'm in India But this time I had gotten in an infection from fecal matter. I know that sounds gross But my friend Mark and I were rescuing dogs while we were in school We were not in class. We were rescue these dogs so we would jump in and out of the ditches where the puppies were and I guess Moving in and out of ditches and then petting the dogs and then it got in my my mouth. It was human fecal matter It's common for an India for men, especially to be able to go to the bathroom outside and that is literally the sickest I have ever been in my whole entire life and I've got some pretty gnarly sicknesses in my life But I know what she's talking about my fever got so high I was in the hospital in India for days on end my stomachs was swollen and got really it's what I was I was Vomiting it was coming out everywhere But yet my stomach was swollen and I remember at one point literally laying in the bed. My fever was so high I Literally thought I was gonna die and I kind of wanted to because if I was just in so much pain No matter what medication they give me gave me no matter what I took The pain would just not subside I remember just crying in the bed because I was just in so much freakin pain And so I understand what she's talking about here and even though it's disgusting that that happened to me I do feel like that was That needed to happen Because I do feel like something broke through and that's something you learn in the East, right? We've talked about this before Viruses fevers that kind of stuff there. That's not a bad thing, right? It upgrades you it's a purging that upgrades you these viruses sometimes are necessary And I felt like that was very very necessary. That was right before our world locked down that that happened And so I understand what she's saying Two horrific storms hit the island while we were in our trailer years each was labeled a hundred-year storm Supposedly so ferocious it could only happen once in a hundred years We lived on the north shore of okra's island during both of them power was lost early on and water followed We'd a tiny Kent wood stove in the living room in a single wide I filled one wall with the kitchen with wood and sealed black plastic over the inside of the windows in the sliding door And taped us in I forced myself outside in the wind only once a day to restock the wood I set an alarm clock to feed the stove every two hours through the night But we survived in that trailer when everyone else fled the north shore Two other single mothers deserted their huge homes in below freezing cold And we laid mattresses across the whole living room floor and three mothers and six children held together through the storm in an eight-by-eight Area we cook soup and noodles for days on that tiny stove We thawed snow for water on the same stove and boiled our potatoes and noodles I will always held special fondness for Kent stoves It not only kept us alive. It kept us warm and it fed us Adriana celebrated her eighth birthday towards the end of the worst and we managed to drive into town to the grocery store The power was still off and the store couldn't even open its doors without electricity They pride them open and forced them to part partially separate so the islanders could buy what few things were left on the shelves There was one box of Duncan Hine's white cake mix and we took it home We opened the box and passed it among ourselves which shared utensils Spooning bites of dry cake mix while we sing happy birthday It is to this day the best birthday party I've ever been to Three women and six children survived that storm at a point on the island where the burnt hit better than 90 miles an hour winds Raging down from Alaska and below zero temperatures and we stayed warm and well fed with no help from a man Somewhere somehow in the midst of the struggle to survive a little income. I did manage to do what I went there to do I edited and produced three books based on the material I believe have come up from the great teacher and the win a Consummate accomplishment for a single mother living on 900 a month Eventually I required the rights back to the first two self published the last one and even got it on a new age Bestseller list Adriana still says this is a time period She remembers when she thinks about my power those trailer years. We found out nothing could stop us One of these books was on a subject of male tyrants Though I did not think I'd ever experienced one at the time One was on manifestation and one was on super consciousness I wish I'd known I draw into my life what I edit I would never have done that book on male tyrants, but it wears on you, you know The aloneness with so much responsibility The school was dreadfully inferior and I worried about the girl's education I could offer them nothing beyond the most basic requirements of life Though I had become a magician in the second hand store Deep in my heart. I was still lonely I began to lecture about third books specifically because it addressed a subject. I thought to be sadly in need of understanding Many people I knew held deep respect to the point of objective reverence and Subjection for whatever pred presented itself with the framework of what we consider deity Send a voice and call it god or jesus or mary or any known master and people bow in reverence But the same people who bow to what is considered deity within religion scoff at people who have communication With information source outside of our cultural historical frame of reference i.e aliens how narrow I decided it was my task to bridge this chasm between spirituality and what is considered alien consciousness and begin to speak on the subject I've never understood where fate meets karma And if we create our reality, what role does destiny play? I may never know in this lifetime I will surely never understand how the same woman who left one man Rather than allow her daughters to grow up in a loveless home could possibly get caught In what was to unfold I thought about that question too. I've been really thinking about that a lot You know because we know we have dharma. We have our fate, you know our divine purpose But we also have karma and we also have free will So I've been thinking about that a lot lately. She says where fate meets karma. Where does it? Where does free will end and dharma begin? You know what i'm saying? Like that's that's something that we as humans may never fully understand Um where free will actually takes over dharma our dharma actually takes over free will I met a man at a speaking engagement who claimed to be something he wasn't But I believed him because I wanted him to be what he said he was because I wanted the world to have such a possibility I wanted me to have such a possibility He betrayed himself as a great teacher and he played guitar and he sang songs He told me he was a native american a medicine man who studied with great old grandfathers and grandmothers He performed ceremony and played the flute and wrote songs He carried a sacred pipe and conjured images deeply helped within my psyche And so began my years with eagle the bear spider raven and for white owl and the black fish I hiked deeper into the forest and spent probably two nights of every week carrying the stones into the sweat lodge Praying and singing the first two two years we traveled with elders and I really did learn many amazing things What I didn't know was that he was learning right along with me He really had known many of these things before we came together But then I never experienced a real con man until him and it took me years to figure that out I did not know how cleverly the dark could pretend to be the light Yes, and that's true. I mean I find myself still making some of the same same mistakes Even though I thought I've healed something I can understand that and that's a great line. I did not know how cleverly the dark could pretend to be the light Slowly he began a process of tearing me down demeaning me cutting me off from old friends and taking my power Over a period of almost five years until one day. I awoke to realize I'd become an abused woman I'd allowed a man to hit me while I supported him and I apologize. They are doing construction next door They've been doing construction next door for quite a while now So if you hear banging around there's really nothing I can do about it But it literally is right outside my window. They're building they tore down a restaurant now They're building high rises so One day I was walking behind him on the way to the kitchen to make him a cup of coffee All of a sudden he trolled around and powed a blow to my left ear Pain showed so sharp at numb Numb shot through me and I felt the ground from the blow I stood the rest of the day in bed holding my ear curled in a fetal position from the pain I was deaf in that ear for six months and I told no one he never said he was sorry We just went on with life. After all he was a great teacher and I was just a woman What else am I left to think about my desperation for me to allow such treatment? Perhaps because the abuse was infrequent and came literally out of the blue. I excused it Perhaps it was perhaps I was too ashamed to admit it happened. Perhaps my childhood wound reopened I was in the fifth grade right after lunch one spring day. Charlotte the teacher's pet saw a book lying on the teacher's desk Charlotte was the room librarian And so it was her domain to check all library books found in the room. Alas, it had not been checked out at all Ever vigilant charlotte promptly returned the book to the library and came back to the classroom The bell rang and the teacher teacher walked away took a look at her desk and asked where her book was The room got really quiet. Mrs. Brown was especially mean to some kids and particularly nice to others There was never a reason anyone could determine that explained her behavior or her choice of victim On that this particular day, mrs. Brown walked across the room and stood in front of me Judy you took my book back to the library, didn't you? No man, mrs. Brown I said respectfully to which she drew her arm back and slapped me across the face propelling me out of my Desk and onto the floor. I was stunned and humiliated. I had done nothing I couldn't wait to tell ruby what had happened She would take care of it. Mothers always take care of these things when I told her what happened ruby said I'm sure she had a good reason I have to teach at the same school. There's nothing I can do I never forgot her response and lived out the repercussions for another 30 years If someone hits me, I must have done something to deserve it If I was raped at night point It must have been because I had no business walking along the road late at night Before I finally learned my lesson he attacked my daughter and wound up stealing everything We had accumulated between us. It was a very in the very end. He almost killed me Holding me against glass panel doors and beating me back and forth across the face until I almost lost consciousness The truth was finally clear to me. I had found a five-year long battle with the dark side for the soul of a man and lost We agreed to separate after the girls and I returned from studying with an herbalist Instead while we were out of town. He wrote obscenities in the bathroom walls with magic marker packed everything and left He forged my name on documents that resulted in lawsuits and cleaned out the bank account I learned the hard lessons of a male tyrant We returned home and found everything gone everything I should say of value He had taken the girls new video player bought with their child support all CDs all my art my sacred bundle all the furniture of any value All running vehicles including a motorhome in both our names all paperwork even my address book He left behind a hunt He left behind 1,500 pounds of wet installation and trash everywhere There were threats hidden inside jars and hat bands and a notice from a landlord that we had less than 30 days to be out of the house The girls and I cleaned the house sealed the walls he'd covered with obscenities repainted and moved within the deadline I know how much the installation and garbage weighed because when we shoveled it off the rental truck at the dump They charged me 180 dollars when I looked shocked at the cost. They said hey lady. You just offloaded 1,500 pounds of trash and that's what it cost without a penny to my name That was a huge sum to be charged for dumping his trash But insult to injury had become a way of life with him. He also deserted the two dogs. He had brought into my life I put everything left into storage kept out one good looking outfit and took the only living space Space offered to us a friend's tiny motor home We boarded the dogs the kennel put three cats in a cage stacked on each other and moved all of us into a space Only big enough to sleep in alongside the cat cages I borrowed money from adriana who had saved every penny she'd ever been given Perhaps just so she could loan me the money and went to town looking for a house A rental agent who had clearly lost her mind rented me an expensive old waterfront farmhouse on six acres Of the most beautiful land on the island I was a woman with no job and two teenage children to this day I have no idea how I got that farmhouse nor do I have any idea how I had the courage to rent it We moved in slowly and invited the owners to leave their old furniture to place rather than to take it to the dump There is goodness. Thankfully. This gave us beds a sofa from the 50s and a dining room table I slowly lifted my head from the paralyzing decay of shame and began to contact old friends Obtaining phone numbers one by one. I immediately discovered why he had stolen my address book He called many of them and told them I had stolen everything from him and left him with nothing He had told them I had taken all the money Even told some of them that I had abused him But here's the biggest shocker of all many of them believed him Yeah, that's called a smear smear came from campaign from a narcissist Narcissists will do that what they're doing to you They will say you are doing to them And so you become the victim the views are when you're actually the victim And they're really charming and they can charm you and trans you so that's why they're able to get away with it He had told the most amazing lies I'd ever heard. I had forgotten what a constant liar He was he had after all fooled me for years and I had me abused from almost everyone for years I don't know why it was infrequent. So I justified it I kept thinking I had done something wrong to make him hit me. It came out of the blue. It was so It came so out of the blue. It was hard to believe and it even happened This was to be my first major encounter with betrayal The trail is one of the hardest Emotions to work through. I'm still working through it I'm still working through I'm probably going to be working through the emotion of betrayal for a really long time And the hard thing is like once you've been betrayed you have a really hard time trusting other people Which I'm trying not to be that way I'm trying not to allow the Especially with my absence situation the betrayal of someone I consider to friend I'm trying not to let that affect the way I see other people. Right. I don't want to be jaded I don't want to look at other people and think are you going to do the same thing to me that this person did to me Um, so that's a hard one All right, let me reread that This was my first major encounter with betrayal and I watched many people I call friends choose to believe him instead of me Until that experience with them I always believe that there were two sides to every story now. I know better By that I mean that I understand they're always two experiences and the grand meta physical understanding Everyone has their own truth But there is no mitigation for abused verbal or physical and there is no other side that excuses abuse. Absolutely. Absolutely The final shock for me was when a girlfriend visited me one day shortly after we got our new house She was one of the few people who knew about the abuse She had lived near us and had seen his hypocrisy She was also one of a handful of people who knew that I had stood by this man through his immense legal problems Paying for his lawyers with the profits from my own books to clean up his past shady history She told me about a telephone conversation. She had had with his mother during the months of legal battles He had always claimed to be a mitis a person of mixed Blood part native and part Caucasian or metis. I'm not familiar with that term So this woman had asked his mother which side of the family had the native american blood His mother had a reply that there was absolutely no native blood on any side only italian She confirmed that he was actually a full blood full blooded italian In actuality he was nothing he had claimed to be and until the very end I had believed him I believed in his version of the legal battles which portrayed him as a victim of the system I believed his version of why I found different names of paperwork I believed his version of how awful all the other women had been in his life betraying him and deserting him And leaving him with nothing and I swore I'd stand by him and show him how wonderful some women can be I believed his version of where he learned and earned his medicine And in the end I was discovered he was not native not even part native Not only was he not what he said he was but he wasn't even who he said he was either I had wondered why had he had different names from his mother and why his own daughter had a different last name And why the name I knew him by was different from either his birth name or his only daughter's name He had been many different men in his life There's a dreadful shame that comes from being the victim whether it is abuse ignorance or both As in my case it is rather like being a rape victim There's a terrible sense that you did something to bring it on some horrible awful feeling that somehow you deserved it I absolutely understand what she's saying In my case this was of course the result of my childhood with queen victoria who had somehow made me feel like I was very lucky She hadn't left me on a dung heap somewhere to start when she took me in as a baby And the ideal mating for terror is when a natural abuser meets a victim of childhood trauma In that sense we were made for each other Yeah, that's that's true And if you understand the perfection of imperfection We both got what we chose to deserve as harsh and awful as it sounds As long as we allow it we will be beaten and when we value freedom above anything and everything else We will choose freedom even when it means the loss of what appears to be everything The reason he fled when he did is because of my growing suspicions of many things I'd begin to call him on his hypocrisy more and more Loudly risking everything in doing so and I threatened to let people know who he really was and who he really wasn't Had I saved Subservient and obeying he still would be dominating my life In the midst of my escape from terror. I drew a friend's my calls A remarkable and wonderful man literally flew to me and helped me through this crisis He brought his white horse to america from abroad He told me there was nothing I could ever do that would make him leave and no matter how hard I tried to push him away He was there to stay I finally yielded to his pleadings and I let down my long hair over the castle wall He was the antithesis to every man I had ever known He was grounded both in his business life and his spiritual life and he adored me He listened intently to my feelings valued my opinions on all matters and he loved to touch and be touched He held his hand over mine one day at a cafe in santa fe took off his Favorite ring which he wore everywhere and said the next ring that will go on this finger is the ring that you put there The same day I put one on your finger. It will be the ring that binds us forever It was a moment from a movie and I melted. I would have melted too That's a good line. He did a good lie on that one Was I finally safe enough to trust again? I let my hair down further over the castle wall Slowly basking in his love and his commitment. I began to react relax He helped me unravel the messes constraining me. He defended me. I don't think anyone had ever defended me before We began a new business together. He adored the girls and for the first time in their life They had a loving generous generous father He gave jennifer money for guitar lessons something I never been able to offer her and he bought adriana her own flight headsets So she wouldn't have to borrow one when she went flying He noticed little things and acted on them. He even drove to jennifer's college to check out her potential housemate lovingly interrogating them Qualifying them to make sure she would be safe in that environment asking them all sorts of silly questions Only a loving father would ask she glowed in the attention. We all did Love and appreciation are beyond measure. There's no yardstick long enough to measure its importance No scale that one can weigh its immense value. I began to heal And so when christmas rolled around I was determined to find the most special present I could to thank him for choosing to be the amazing being he had chosen to be I wanted to give him something beyond a thing in a box something beyond measure I wanted to find something to bespeak my all and humble greatness to him And that is how I met tom And so we're going to leave it right there guys, which of course tom is the Sir twin flame. That's the man who um Channeled the first part of this book So um, I think that's a good place to leave it. I hope you guys enjoyed that I am thoroughly enjoying this book as I've said many times I've enjoyed the actual writings of tom and now judy over the channeling to be honest with you guys This is a very interesting interesting book. All right guys talk to you soon