 Mary Livingston, Bill Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Welson. Ladies and gentlemen, last night, Jack, Mary, Phil, and Dennis went to a neighborhood theater to see a special showing of Danny Cage's new picture, The Kid from Brooklyn. So let's go back and pick them up as they leave the theater. Ha, ha, ha. Oh gee, that was a wonderful picture, wasn't it, fellas? Yeah, that Danny Cage is a panic. He's really clever. You said it, Phil. He has that audience in stitches. Yes, me, that guy's one of the funniest comedians in show business. Hmm. Ha, ha, ha. What's the matter with you? Nothing. I can't figure you out, Jack, and every time another comedian gets laughed, it burns you up. I'm not burned up. Well, the least you could do is say you liked it. I liked it, I liked it. We came to see the picture we saw, now let's forget it. Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack, every time you see somebody else in the movies, you get mad. I do not. You do too. He even got mad at that 74-year-old man who married a 16-year-old girl, and he was only in the newsreel. Ha, ha, ha. Well, he didn't have to look so smug. Ha, ha, ha. Now, let's forget it. Oh, come on, Jackson, snap out of it. Phil, there's nothing to snap out of, believe me. If Danny Cage's picture was good, I'd be the first one to say so. As a matter of fact, just last week, Mary and I went to the movies, and when we came out, I raved about it. That was your own picture. Ha, ha, ha. And you were mad halfway through that until you put on your glasses and found out it was you. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, no, no, no. Dennis, Dennis, did you think Danny Kay was funny? I don't know. I could hardly hear him with all those peanuts. Cracking, cracking, cracking. Who was eating peanuts? I was. You didn't miss anything, Dennis. What a title for a picture. That kid from the book. Look, Jackson, I remember last year when you and I went to see Danny's other picture, Wonder Man. You didn't like that either. Wonder Man, of course I didn't like it. A plot was ridiculous. I had been expecting people to believe that a man can die in a ghost and come back and talk to his twin brother. Dennis, you're going to take stories apart. What about the picture you made called the meanest man in the world? Well, at least in that picture, I didn't die. You did the night I saw it, fellas. Don't change the subject. We're talking about Danny Kay. No specialty numbers on his radio program. Oh, brother. What do you mean, oh brother? I like the way he sings. A git-got-giddle and a git-got-san. A git-got-giddle and a git-got-san. Some talent. A git-got-giddle and a git-got-tan. A git-got-giddle and a git-got-tan. On my program, I've got two guys that do that and sell tobacco at the same time. And he thinks he's got something new. Wonder Man, what a plot. Imagine a ghost coming out of the cage. Why don't you watch where you're going? You taxi drivers think you own the whole street. I got a good mind of it. Jack, calm down for heaven's sake. Don't take a fight with a taxi driver. Well, all right. OK, driver, get going. Get going. Yes, sir. Watch where they're driving. Well, I'm the leader here, Jackson. Me too. All right, I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, by the way, Jackson, did you hear what Head of Hopper said about me on her radio program last Monday night? Yes, Phil, I heard it. Yeah, she said I had charm, talent, personality. She said Alice had charm, talent, and personality. Community property, father. Community property. Phil, go home, will you? OK, go on, Jack. Go on. I'll walk as far as the next corner with you, Mr. Benny. All right, kid, come on. You know, Dennis, I need to be critical of other people's pictures, but I was certainly disappointed in Danny Kay's. Well, the people in the audience were sure laughing. I know, but you can't always go by. Dennis, stop jumping over the fire pan. You can't always go by an audience reaction. Now, Danny Kay had nerve enough to make another picture after Wonder Man. What a fantastic plot that was. Imagine a ghost coming back to this world. Well, you were a ghost, and you came back, and the horn blows at midnight. Well, at midnight, it's possible. When did you see my picture, kid? I saw it about five years ago. Five years ago? I only made it two years ago. I didn't even like it then. What are you talking about? In the first place, Dennis. Dennis, stop jumping over fire plush. You act just like a kid. Why don't you grow up? Look at Shirley Temple. Look at Freddie Betholomiel. Come on, walk like a man. Well, here's where I have to leave you, Mr. Benny. See you tomorrow for rehearsal. You forgot your line. OK, well, good night. Dennis made it. I guess this is the bigger hydrant. Can I help you up, Mr. Milan? I'm not Mr. Milan. I can get up myself. Yeah, da-dee-da-dum, da-dee-da-dum, da-dum, da-dee-da-dum, da-dum, da-dee-da-dum. Hey, Jack, Jack. Huh? It's me, Jack, Danny K. Oh, Danny. That's Danny. This is a coincidence running into you. I just saw that special showing of your new picture. Oh, you did, Jack? How'd you like it? Danny, I thought it was the greatest thing I ever saw in my life. You were sensational at it. I was? Danny, believe me, I haven't enjoyed anything that much in a year. My side's still hurt from laughing. That's funny. What funny? Well, I just ran into Dennis' day and he said you thought it was lousy. Dennis' day, where'd you see him? I caught him in midair over a fire plug. And Dennis told you that I said it was lousy? Yeah. Survey's amazing what kids will repeat, repeat. I mean, they got it. Look, Danny, what he probably heard me say was that even though I thought this picture, the kid from Brooklyn was terrific, it still wasn't quite as sensational as your last picture, Wonder Man. He told me you thought Wonder Man stung food. Well, tell me, Danny, have you made any other pictures? Yes, up in arms, and that's your last chance. Well, look, Danny, you know Dennis is a silly kid and doesn't know what he's talking about. Now, Mary and Phil were with me. And if you want to know what I thought... I ran into them, too. Well, Danny, they were only kiddie. Your new picture is a riot. See, I thought it was funnier than Random Harvest. Wait a minute, Jack. Random Harvest wasn't funny. That's what I mean, Danny. In fact, you have so much talent that I... But, but... Can you just tell me what a First National Bank is? The First National Bank? Yeah. You go down to the next corner and it's one block over. Thanks, bud. You're welcome. I wonder what he wants at a bank this time of night. I don't know. He must be a doctor with that black satchel. Yeah, yeah. I thought I recognized him, but I... I thought I recognized him, but I couldn't tell with that mask over his face. What are we talking about, Jack? Me or you? Let's see. Oh, yes. Now, Danny, don't let this go to your head, but you've got so much talent that you and I ought to team up and make a picture together. Why, you and I can have comedy all sewed up. You and I... You and I can be the biggest thing in pictures. I can see our names and likes right now. I and you. The thing is that Kay and Benny... Kay and Benny would be the greatest team in Shulban. What about Crosby and Hope? Those golfers? They'd be with our Dorothy Lamour. You know, they come to think of it, Jack. You're right. They started to make a picture without her, but Crosby looked so bad in a sarong. No kidding, Danny. Damn, Paramount warned them, too. If they tried that trick again, their next picture would be the road to Warner Brothers. I know what you mean. I made that trip myself. In fact, Paramount made the San Fernando Valley my home. They didn't even... You know, they don't even give you a bus ticket. But anyway, Danny... I wonder what that explosion was. It's the First National Bank. How do you know? The Night Watchman just flew by. Anyway, Danny, if you and I could... Hey, old Bud, Bud. Huh? Where's the Second National Bank? Straight down to the next corner and then three blocks to your left. He must be a stranger in town, isn't he? Anyway, Danny, as I said before, I'm convinced that you and I ought to make a picture together. Oh, I think you're right, Jack. And you know what? I've got a wonderful song that'll fit right into it. It's called Concerto for Tongue and Orchestra. Concerto for Tongue and Orchestra? Yeah. Yeah, would you like to hear it? Right out here on the street? Sure, that's why I carry this phonograph. I never know when somebody's gonna ask me to sing. Oh, oh, well, yes. Go ahead, Danny. Let's have it. Don't go away, Jack French horn. Giddy-giddy-giddy-giddy-giddy. I'm sure it'll be a big hit for you. Well, thanks, Jack. Look, I've got to run along now. I'll see you later. Okay, so long, Danny. So long. Oh, Jack, before I leave, since you just saw my new picture as a matter of professional courtesy, I think it's only fair that you shouldn't have to pay. So I'd like to return the price you paid for admission. Oh, no. No, Danny, I wouldn't think of it. Oh, but Jack, I insist. No, no, there's no use talking, Danny. I don't want to... I went to see your picture. Nobody forced me. And it was well worth the money, including the tax came to 65 cents. No, oh, oh, sorry, I let it slip. Well, that's... I'm glad you did, Jack. And here's your money, 65 cents. Thanks. And Danny, I know that you saw... I know that you saw my last picture, so I'm going to return the price you paid for admission. Oh, you don't have to do that, Jack. The manager already did. Earth, walk around and talk almost like a human being. What about Fred Allen? A ghost? A ghost looks that bad? Well, thanks, kid. Now we're really partners. So on, Danny. So long, Jack. So long. The door's locked. I forgot my key. Rochester, open the door. Coming, boss. I'll have to hang up now, honey. Goodbye, honey. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Goodbye. I heard you. Who are you talking to? The milkman. The milkman. Rochester, do you expect me to believe you were blowing kisses to the milkman? Why do you think we've been getting butter lately? Oh, it was all right. Much better than the other one. You know, that wonder man. Let's take your wonder. Who believes in... Who believes in which? Ghosts. You don't believe in ghosts, do you? Not exactly, but when I shake hands with somebody and say, give me a little skin, I want to feel it. Rochester, that's not what I'm talking about. You're not afraid of ghosts, are you? I'm afraid of anything that's overdrawn at the blood bank. Oh, that's being trotted. Maybe so, boss, but that's one of my idiosyncrasies. Well, if you don't need me anymore, I think I'll go to bed. Go ahead, Rochester. I'm going to the library to relax for a while. Is the phonograph in there? Yes, boss. Okay, good night. Good night. Hello, Polly. Hello, hello, hello. Now, let's see, where's that record? I'd always like to play it. Oh, here it is. Can't you hear me calling Caroline? The lighter, the naturally milder tobacco. So beautiful. Yes, Caroline. Remember that day in the woods when I carved that heart in the tree and put in the initials, L.S. Loves M.F.T. Horomantic. And from that day on, we knew that L.S. M.F.T. stood for lucky strike means find tobacco. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy and easy and easy and easy and easy and easy and easy and easy and easy on the draw. That's better. So smoke that smoke of find tobacco, lucky strike. What a wonderful record. I wish I had a girl here so I could dance to it. Well, I think I'll... Right, free and easy and easy and easy and easy and easy and on the draw. Now go to sleep, Polly. It's getting late. I think I'll read for a while before I go to bed. Let's see. What books have I got here? Here's one. I stand condemned. Oh, I read that a few weeks ago about the man who went to the electric chair and he had three lovely children. Apple, Pan and Dowdy. Let's see what else is there. Here's one. Old ghost tales. Silly folk ghost tales. Now let's see what it says. Note, for those who do not believe in ghosts, this book is respectfully dedicated in the hope that the authenticated evidence contained within these pages will dispel all doubts on the subject. On the subject, on the subject. Quiet, Polly. As the... As the last dying gas leaves the body, the spirit is released into the cosmic atmosphere. This ectoplasm, when returning to its terrestrial habitat, often takes the form of an apparition clothed in white... Rochester! I'm just changing the bedsheet. You don't have to wear it over your head. Now go to bed. Okay, good night, boss. Good night. Hmm. It was in 1887, on the night of January 4, in the old MacPherson mansion, when the secret of the returning squire first came to... Oh, I don't know why I'm reading this anyway. There's no such thing as a ghost. I wouldn't be too sure of that, Benny. Well, I know what a... What? Who am I talking to? Who are you? I'm you. Me? Yes. I'm your ghost. The ghost of Jack Benny. But I'm not dead yet. Right, I can wait. You can... Oh, what's the matter with me? First thing I know, I'll be talking to myself. Sounds me right for even reading them. But then let's see, I wonder if there is anything to this story. The MacPherson mansion had been vacant for 15 years, when suddenly one night a light appeared in the attic. That was the beginning of... Who's that? Hello, Jackson. Who are you? I'm the ghost of Diamond Jim Brady. Diamond Jim Brady? Yes, Jackson, I've made something out of life. I ate well and drank well. I was surrounded by beautiful women. Nightclubs and cabarets threw open their doors to me, because I always picked up every check in the house. I had fun. Is that fun? Well, let me tell you something, Jim Brady. If you didn't stuff yourself with that rich food, you might be alive today like I am. I'd rather be a ghost like I am. Get wise to yourself, Jackson. Money is made to spend, so spend it. Spend. I should have him in my audience. Maybe he's right. Maybe I ought to... Oh, no, I don't want to start inflation. But then, oh, what's the matter with me? I don't believe in ghosts anyway. This is all in my mind. Imagine a ghost of... I think I'll go upstairs. Wait a minute. That sounds like music in the distance. Violin music. That's all right, Mr. Betty. That's all what she is. Beautiful violin music. Who are you? I am the ghost of Antonio Stradivarius. Stradivarius, the greatest violin maker that ever lived. Yes, Mr. Benny. All of my life I work. I live. I die just to make it that the violin a beautiful instrument. For 90 years I put my heart and soul in it. And in five minutes you'll break. But Antonio... Mr. Benny, I beg you. I plead with you, give up with the violin. But Tony... Please, in the name of a pagamini, in the name of every musician, I beg you, don't play the violin. I am so tired of turning over into my grave. You can't go through that door. It's locked. He went through it anyway. Gee, I know I'm not a Fritz Kreisner or a hyphens, but I'm not a Spike Jones either. This serves me right for going to see Danny Kay's picture. But what are you doing on earth? Gold when picked up my option. Even so, why did you leave heaven? Some guy kept blowing a horn. Oh, this must be a trick. I still don't believe you're the ghost of Danny Kay's twin brother. Oh, you do, Tony. Do you want me to prove it? Yes. No, Rache, it was just me and three ghosts. No, in that case, I'd better... Why? I'm going to finish this book. The McPherson mansion had been vacant for 15 years, when suddenly one night a light appeared in the Atahatic. Then a terrible scream rang out, and they knew that old McPherson had turned to a bandit. In a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts, and today, tomorrow, always. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Take a tip from the independent tobacco experts. Men like Mr. Joseph H. Burnett, independent tobacco auctioneer of Buffalo Springs, Virginia, who said... As a tobacco auctioneer, I've sold over 240 million pounds of tobacco. And year after year, I've seen American buy that fine leaf that makes for fine smoking. I personally have smoked luckies for 12 years. In a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. An independent tobacco expert... This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.