 I mean I've been working with students for years and then a point comes a panic and it's just like, it's like now they're sliding down the mountain and then suddenly they're just going to kick it into reverse and it's like whoa. And that doesn't work either, you know, the gears are not meant for a reverse in that position, you know, it's just grinding emotionally feels that way. So, you know, you start to see again more and more the value of the exposing, we were going to it today, I went to this game and she just said I got these crazy thoughts and we just joined together and had it and it was quite freeing, it was quite a freeing experience but it was like, you know, it was just this, it becomes more, you see it more as the value of healing with the exposing. It doesn't seem that way at the beginning, it seems like it's torture, like it's going to come back, like oh this is bad stuff, it's going to come back and hit me from all sides, it's just more like, oh yeah, this is great, just tell everybody how dark and unworthy and rotten I am, you know, and it feels like, and that's just going to come back on me big time. But actually it's the beginning of true healing, it's like the very cusp, it's the cusp of true healing and it gets more, the momentum grows and you get more comfortable with it and there will come a point where you'll think how could I have ever conceived of holding anything back or holding on to anything, it will get to that point, but it's the most difficult at the beginning, it's the most difficult. I don't know that it's got redeeming value commensurate with the suffering. If you put it in a context though, it's like there came a point with all of the drinking everything where you might say that spiritually you reached a point where you began to outgrow it with maturity, spiritual maturity and so on and so forth, and not that the thoughts don't come back like you said but seem to have turned a corner. And you start to see that with everything, it wouldn't be anything, you wouldn't necessarily, you know, if you heard about a mystic or saint that just fasted and then fasted longer for a period and then fasted longer and then just quit eating, it's not that you would say I really admire that, you know, that's for me. It would have to be something that you began to experience more as I call it like an outgrowing rather than just taking some kind of a stance for or against something or making a behavioral change. You can't lead with the form. The form, the behavior always has to follow the state of mind so there's a sense of congruity, a sense of alignment there, otherwise it will just pop out. The same with the drinking, you probably know people including yourself that just, you might have even said the words, I wouldn't stop drinking before you actually, you know, were able to kind of outgrow it. So it's that thing as well, you know, it can be tempting to just take stands for or against things but as you open up into purpose, as you open up into exposing and clearing and, you know, direct, open, honest communication and everything seems very new, almost like startling at the beginning but then as you practice it and practice it and practice it, it is part of that outgrowing. And the things that seem to be tormenting before or vices or struggle or difficulties, they just, they become more and more peripheral. You do literally outgrow them and you just have to be willing to continue to take the steps. Those intuitively feel things out and also to share things like, well, here's what I'm thinking or I did this, this, this, why did you do this? Well, it just seemed like the thing to do. You know, maybe on reflection it wasn't the best thing to do but at the time, you know, there was no big red flag or warning or no, you know, stop, stop now. So it's just, you know, you do have to be gentle on yourself and just take it step by step with that and that's what these devotionals are for. It sounds like maybe you were dealing with some emotions around a few things and now just when the whole idea of relationship starts to come up and get questioned, it can get really overwhelming like, oh man, I thought I was on some inroads with a few things but, you know, that's not something that I had on my plate or was really ready and that's where it was talking it through and talking it through, you know, feeling it out is helpful. It's nothing that's yanked away from you. It's not like the spirit's going to just yank all the concepts away at once. It's more of like an outgrowing and outgrowing occurs, a little more outgrowing and that's the way that it continues. Thanks for your openness. Releasing jealousy, the way to God. Yeah. Well, when I was a teenager I discovered how extremely jealous I was. When I went to a psychic woman and she said, yeah, you've been a man for hundreds of years or lifetimes and you've been basically married to Jesus and God and they were so faithful, you know. You never needed to be worried when now you're dealing with humans seemingly like this lifetime and jealousy is there. And it was like, I discovered that it was my pathway, you know, when I could release those terrible dark feelings, it's called black sickness in Swedish. It was really, you know, very, very vulnerable, but it was truly the way to freedom, to dare to be in relationships and look at it, you know, to not run away. Is there any releasing that without letting go of the specialness? I mean, I can't see how you can let go of jealousy without letting go of the specialness. Yes, it's anonymous, but that's one form that it takes, jealousy. And when Finn and I were working a number of years ago, when that came up and was identified, it was like, well it was a life pattern, but it was like being jealous of your sister, you know, it was just that. And so it was kind of identified like, wow, this will be my pathway to God is through the release of it. Sometimes it's a conscious pattern, you know, it's conscious, and then other times it just kind of is quite unconscious, and then it just emerges almost in a shocking way. In a way, when Kirsten and I went down the first time to South America, we stayed with a friend of mine, and worldly terms, she was very beautiful. She was kind of like a mis-world in terms of figure and so on and so forth and in movies and different things. And so she was always just very open and flirting and just jumping on my lap and Kirsten said she got in touch with jealousy, but she kind of almost prided herself that she just was not a jealous person. And we had 30 years of evidence to prove it. I don't get jealous. You know, if a boyfriend wants to do something, I just chop the boyfriend off. That's not you. You know, I'm not going to get into jealousy. She just never had gone that way, and yet this woman, Lily, you know, she said it's like a green monster. It was just all that was needed to really begin the process. Like, okay, I can start to take a look at this. It was just so intense. It was wildly intense. It's insanity.