 The makers of Wrigley's Spearman chewing gum invite you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Howard and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Ash with Alan Reed is for Squalid. Wrigley's Spearman chewing gum is a typically American product that appeals to people of all ages and nationalities in all parts of our country. And the Wrigley people feel that Life with Luigi is a typically American radio program. A friendly, enjoyable show that sort of symbolizes the American spirit of tolerance and goodwill. So the makers of refreshing, delicious Wrigley's Spearman gum are glad to bring you Life with Luigi each week and have you join them in this pleasant half-hours entertainment. Usually we find Luigi writing a letter to his mother but now we find him reading one from his mother in Italy. Dear son Luigi, I thought maybe you like to know what's to happen when a u-letter comes from America to me. Well, first of all, Martucci, the mailman, is collecting the United States stamps. So when he's given me a u-letter every week, the envelopes are coming naked. But sometimes I'm not letting them take off the stamps because I know reason you paste so many on is because you like to see your mom as a name between a Washington and a Lincoln. And by the time I'm open the envelope, all the family and all the relatives is in a house and Uncle Pietro is standing on a dining room or table acting out the u-letter. Remember, Luigi, when you were having trouble with a gas company? How we were to suffer for you. Even Uncle Pietro's a goat. He's a feeler, so bad, he's an old giver, milker for three days. And remember that letter you wrote to how you was lonely? Oh, Luigi, you made us feel so lonely, nobody is leaving the house for 24 hours. But, honestly, Luigi, we're going to see what is your biggest problem. Vascuality is a fact of the Russian. And every time I'm worried about her, I'm going to get the headaches. Last night we were all talking about you and the Russian and we all decided, good way to like a Russian is to forget that she's away 250 pounds. Make a believer she's only 200. We think a Russian could be a good way for you because like Uncle Pietro is always to say, you plow the field quicker when you got a bigger ox. But, another Luigi, I'm going to stop and my headache is coming back. So good night to my son, keep her healthy, take care of yourself and anybody else you have to, you're loving the mama. Poor mama, what am I going to do for her? If only some little voice would come and whisper in my ear some advice. Luigi, my love! Hello, Luigi, hello, hello. Superstrile! Didn't know I was ahead, didn't you? Uh, peek-a-boo. Superstrile, you were the reason I left her behind my back. You're lying, it's impossible to read her behind your back. I was looking over your shoulder. Mama's not feeling it so well, eh, Luigi? Yeah, and I'm very worried. Well, I can't blame you, my little banana nose. After all, a fellow's only got to warn a mama. Does a headache, sir? They're bad for her, especially if they're not a headache, if they're really a heartache. Heartache, sir? Hey, Pascuala, what are you talking about? Luigi, it's obvious. According to professors, a pain never shows up where it's supposed to. Instead, it comes as sneaking around the back away and pops up for someplace else like a motorcycle or a cop. Pascuala, you're made of my mama's got a headache, sir, because she's a barter to buy motorcycle a cop. Oh, what a stupid boob. Come here, come here, sit down, sit down. I gotta explain to you. I explain to you like I explain to you how to play canazza. Sit down. You mama's got a big heartache, Luigi, and that's a push in the pain up the stairs of her head. Yeah, but, Pascuala, who I should have my mama have a heartache. You're gonna play hard to understand, eh? All right, I'll give you a plan. Heartache happens to all the grandmamas who ain't the grandmamas because their sons was too lazy to get them married. Yeah, but do you think of my mama's got a headache, sir, because she ain't the grandmama? I don't think, I know. My own skull almost cracks every time I look at a rosa. After all, she's just like you, still a bachelor. Yeah, but, Pascuala, you skull ain't my mama's skull. Luigi, there's no doubts about it. Just figure it out for yourself. What's the biggest ambition a woman can have? To get her married. Right, and why does she want to get her married? Because she's gonna stop working. Luigi, that's only in the older country. In America, a woman gets a marriage and still keeps on working. Luigi, a woman gets married because she wants to become a mama. So she finds a husband, has a few bambini, the bambini grow up and get her married, and a mama has a new ambition. Oh, she wants it to become a grandmama? Right, and how can she do this? If her son gets married. Luigi, I accept your proposal. No, no, no, no. It's my way. Oh, you're lucky, pups, you. Now, if you excuse me, Luigi, I gotta make three important phone calls. See? Yeah, I want to the florist, to the bridal of bouquet. I want to the printer, to the print-up of the wedding invitations. I want to the church to keep open this Sunday. Oh, that's too nice. And to make a fort to call up her squalor. Sure, Luigi, to who? To the airfield. I'm leaving for Mexico. Don't be smart, Luigi. You want your mama to keep on having her headaches. Is that how you pay back to the little old lady who's wasted her whole life growing you up? Mr. Pasquale, I'm gonna think that she's got a headache for me. Well, then, for me? Luigi, look at this letter again. What do you read between the lines? Nothing. The mama is always a pusher the words are closer to them. Oh, Luigi, don't play dumb, Belle. Just look at the letter. Like Uncle Pietro says, you plow the field quicker when you've got a big ox. That ain't no advertisement for a bulldozer. Mr. Pasquale, you don't mind that they call Rosa a bigger ox? I don't care what they call her as long as you marry her. Not that I don't, Mr. Pasquale. I'm more likely she'll be your bigger ox than my bigger ox. All right, Mr. Wise Guy. See, I gotta get her tougher with you and your mama, Mia. What are you talking about, Mr. Pasquale? I'm talking about a plenty. Waiting to see. But wait, Mr. Pasquale, wait. I had a foolin' around. Rosa, perky-legged. Grab a pencil and a paper. Why? I'm a stop eatin'. Nibbley. Your nibbles could have feed a family of ten. Now write this letter to Luigi's mama. Dear mama... No, no, no, no, wait. Make that a dear Mrs. Pasquale. Mrs. Pasquale. Yeah, I'd say like in a business letter she should have know I'm in a business. Now just to write, thank you for all the nice compliments you've paid to my daughter and you'll ask the letter. But it's about time you told Luigi straight out what do you want, that he should have married my Rosa. If not, you're gonna have a permanent guest in your house, your son, Luigi. And Rosa, after that, to put a big expectation in point. I mean, expectation, because that's what's gonna happen to him. Now go on. Mrs. Pasquale, you've taken away the best of years from my daughter's life because soon is it gonna be too late and she's not gonna be legible. Right to now... Right to now, she's still in her 20s. Who's asking you? Look at the department stores. If they want to sell something for $30, they charge a $29.99. Why? Because it don't sound like it's in the 30s. Rosa, as long as you're 29 and 99 and 100 years old, you're still in your 20s. Go on, go on. Rosa's still a 20. She's still a very beautiful. Papa. I'm away ahead of you, Rosa. I know. I'm gonna send her some baby pictures here. Easy to what I always carry into my wallet. You want a bear rug? Oh, look at that a pitch. I should've known then what was gonna happen. Only four weeks old already, you covered up the whole rug. I put that in an envelope and I had this. So, Mrs. Basko, if you know Sandy, you, Luigi, I mail a letter by the end of the week to say an Amira Rosa, back, he's going on the next boat. All right, Papa. Well, Rosa, soon you're gonna be a little bride. Maybe you're gonna name her the first one after me, eh? The first one, Papa. Oh, shut up, you face. Hello, Mr. Basko. You haven't been paying attention to class all evening. Don't you feel well? Miss Pauling, I'm gonna feel well but my mama, she's got a headache. That makes Luigi sick by proxy. Luigi, what's the matter with your mama? Something serious? Well, my mama wants me to get her married so much she's got a headache. Aha, now I see it. She wants you to get married and you should get the headache. Yeah, but the worst of all, I'm gonna tell me she wants me only to marry Rosa. Him or daddy in headaches, that's the DDT. Oh, stop, pixels. You are not helping Luigi. Born my old, go with that kind of talk. Luigi, after all, you only got one mama and that's fine. Oh, Mr. Harwitz, I don't think his mother necessarily wants him to marry Rosa. I'm sure another fine girl would make Mrs. Basko very happy. It would make Mr. Basko overjoyed. I'm sure it's too Miss Pauling but I'm gonna think it's too late. That's why I don't have something to mean to scare my mama, I'm sure. Luigi, if you got married to another girl, then Pascal, he could do nothing. Yeah, but what am I gonna find another girl? That's easy, Luigi. Ask any married man, he'll give you a hand. Mr. Schultz, you're not helping Mr. Basko one bit. Luigi, I got a wonderful idea. I got a friend who met a beautiful girl through a marriage broker. Marriage broker, what's that? Your mother-in-law is our office. Ah, Luigi Schmal, I'm only fooling. A marriage broker is a fellow who gets people together. Then what's the happen? Well, if they hit it off, they get married. Yeah, then they get married and they hit each other. Schultz, I don't think that's such good advice when Luigi is desperate looking for a solution. Luigi, I think going to a marriage broker would be real good for you. And so do I, Mr. Basko. The man is a made-up of friends. Is it good for my mom? Is it good for me? Not sure, Luigi, go ahead. Go to the marriage broker. What can happen? Can you get married and lose your independence? Can you start to live with a bunch of kids and a dozen relatives? Can you be afraid to keep a penny in your own pocket or your wife will claim you're a schrinler? Schultz, can that happen? I don't know, Luigi. Just because it happened to me doesn't mean it's gonna happen to you. Before we return to life with Luigi, I'd like to suggest an easy, inexpensive way to make your daily work more pleasant. Every time you want a refreshing little lift, chew a stick of delicious wriggly spearmint gum. A fresh, lively, real spearmint flavor cools your mouth, moistened your throat, and refreshes your taste. Then, too, the good, steady chewing action sort of picks you up. Helps keep you feeling alert and on your toes. So always keep a package of refreshing wriggly spearmint gum handy at your job and enjoy some pleasant chewing while you work. Get a few packages of wriggly spearmint chewing gum tonight or tomorrow morning. And now let's return to Luigi as he writes his letter to his mama basco in it. And so, mama, if it's gonna make you feel better, I'm gonna find myself a wife. Then a wife is gonna be like I spit in and make your headaches go away. I hope my friends will give me a card to the broker who's bringing younger people together. I'm gonna ask this marriage broker, he should have find me a nice wife or a good kid, so we're gonna be married and you're gonna become a grand-mama at the same time. All of a sudden, mama's here, so basco, I shouldn't have gotten married and do something wrong. I'm gonna slide the marriage broker's card under his door. I know he's not gonna use it enough, but when he finds out I'm gonna get to the marriage, and I'm gonna bring a rosa there to find a husband. But there's no answer from Luigi's mama and the man. Mama! Please, stop crying, rosa. I've got a big idea. I've got two ways to get a Luigi. I'm gonna kill a one-bud with two stones. What are you gonna do? The marriage broker slipped the card under my door today. We're gonna get down there and we're gonna find a husband. And if a double protection, the marriage is a mama cable. A cable? Yeah, I'm gonna give you a birthday party and the night of your birthday, we're gonna demand she cable back to Luigi's tomorrow, rosa. Then both the husbands are gonna be on your birthday. If the cable comes, you can pick out who you want. You happy, my little girl? Whoo-hoo-hoo! Mr. Pasquale, will you please go into that office where Mr. Fuller will talk to you? Young lady, will you wait in this little ante-room? I'm gonna go talk to the parents first. Certainly! Well, how do you do, sir? Come right in. Now, Mr. Pasquale, don't be worried. They say marriage is a maiden heaven. Well, if they are, then I must be St. Peter. Ha-ha-ha! Look, Mr. Peter, what... What can you do for my daughter? In due time. In due time, first a few things I'd like to know confidentially. How attractive is she? Uh... There's a $5,000 that comes with her. Oh, very nice. Of course, you realize in these inflationary times $5,000 isn't as good-looking as it once was. Eh... To me, it's always a look of pretty. Ha-ha-ha! Well put, well put. Now, how much does she weigh? You have to ask that a question. Well, if I don't, the prospective groom will. How much does she weigh? Uh... Make that a $10,000. What a beautiful figure. Suppose we call your daughter in, huh? Sure, sure. Rosa! Rosa! Rosa! This is your daughter. Uh-huh. You better make it $15,000. Ha-ha-ha! I'll make it anything. Rosa, Mr. Fuller's the man who's going to marry you. I mean, Miss Rosa, I'm going to find some... Oh, good. Yes, yes, yes. The gentleman who called you some time ago and made an appointment. He may have somebody for you. This party seems to be in a hurry. Now, you go back to the other room and wait until I call you. All right, all right, but make it as cheap as possible. I hope $15,000 will be enough of a reward. I mean, a dowry. Oh, come in. Hello, hello. How do you do? I'm Luigi Basco. You're Luigi Basco? Yes, sir. I think I can do it for $10,000. Nothing, nothing. Now, um... Huh? You want a wife, I take it. I'm an Ogata. How are you going to take it? Ha-ha-ha! I might be able to swing this for $5,000. Mr. Basco, how much money do you have? Well, uh, are you making it right now in my pocket? Well, I mean, your savings, real estate, stocks, bonds, securities. All together? Yes. How much are you worth all together? Wait, I'm looking in my pocket. Oh, you're kidding. Ha-ha-ha! I'm a nothing. Well, Mr. Basco, I hope you realize that finding a wife may be difficult for you. Well, that's the bigger problem. Yes, but... Well, I'm realizing... Yes, but it so happens that you may have come at an extremely fortunate time. Tell me, do you have any particular type of girl in mind? Well, uh... Well, no particular type, but I'm like a nice girl. Who's a citizen? Looking a cooker? Dancing a garden? Helping me take care of my shopper? Have a nice education? And a pleasure, Mr. I'm a hopper. After she's looking nice. Yes, well, of course. Now, tell me, um... Do you like a girl who's overweight? Well, overweight, uh... Well, what do you think is, uh, is overweight? I asked you first. What do you think is overweight? Well, never mind by a remarkable coincidence, my friend. Someone came in who was looking for just somebody like you. Now, I'll open the door. You may come in now. She sounds like opera singer, but I can't get it out of her way. I'll listen, Luigi. Luigi! You got a Mararosa because that's the one your mama wants. Is that right, sir? Is that a right to my son? My mama's never told me I'm a Mararosa. What? That's the right. You're going to get a cable if she says a Mararosa, will you? But, mama, what to say that? If she does, they'll remember her headaches. But only if she's sending me such a cable. Good, Luigi. That's a bargain. Invite all your friends into the party. If the cable comes, I'll make the announcement. If not, we'll forget it. What do you say, my son? All right, the party. Party. Barsqually, you deserve credit. When you make a boy-day party, you make a boy-day party. Tonight, the sky is the limit, a hurry. Champagne is flowing like a beer. Yeah, and it tastes the same. Are you satisfied, Mr. Delicatessenman? Can't you take a choke, Barsqually? Congratulations on your daughter's birthday. All right, thank you, Schultz. But who knows, maybe you'll be able to congratulate her on something else. Something else? What's that? You find out. Well, I got to go in a mingler. When I hear him laugh like that, I know he's got something up his sleeve. And I'm afraid it's a marriage license. Oh, look at Luigi. He is acting. Oh, hello, everybody. Oh, no, Luigi, you're just kidding. Give us this as a party. Well, you don't believe me. You got that, Jolly. All right, all right. Luigi, did you go to that place the other day? You know where? I'm a winter, Horowitz. And did they find you a you-know-what? That's right. And the you-know-what is the you-know-who. Wow! Well, it can't be. Himmel, it is. Here's the longest story. So I went to the marriage in Broca, so I shouldn't have married her. But a Basquale's a went there at Tarrosa, so she shouldn't have married me. So when I'm open up at the door, I have to come to Russia and I'm her husband. Oh, that scheming Basquale, has he got you for Schimels? No, no, Schultz. Here's the nut. I'm only agreed to one thing. That's it. For my mom is to send me a cable here tonight to marry Rossa, then I'm a do it. Otherwise, no. But what are we waiting for? Let's rush the party. Hey, Basquale, and let's con-de-cage! Come on, con-de-cage! Hey, I'm glad I did not so fast. First, I gotta make a speech. Tonight, my little Rossa goes from one station to another station. And before she makes it a step from the one station to the other station, I'm... Basquale, please, give her the transfer, and let us eat the cake. Nobody's asking you, Schultz. As I look under three candles at a cake, I wonder if you peoples know what this means. I'm sure you are too cheap to buy more. Oh, why? I'm Mr. Delicatessen, a man. Papa, shall I blow out the candles? Yeah, that's a good idea here. I like them. Come back, everybody. Last year, she blew everybody out of the store. Schultz, I had enough of you. I had enough from you. You're just trying to stall everything, so maybe a cable should come. Well, it ain't coming, see? Pardon me, is there a Mr. Basquale here? There's some Mr. Basquale here. Will you sign here, please? A cable from Italy. So it's enough, huh? Well, who's the laugh from the other side of their noses now? All right, Luigi, open the cable. Read the good news. All right, Mr. Basquale. If I don't have a mama, I don't care if I don't watch it. Mr. Basquale, your plan is out. I'm gonna have to marry Rosa. What? That cable couldn't be from your mama? She would do anything not to have you deported. All right, here it is. Read it yourself. What are you talking about? Let me see. Hey, look. It says, dear son of Luigi, stop. Marry Rosa. Oh, no, Basquale, I'm gonna read it for you. Dear son of Luigi, stop, Marry Rosa. That's just what I'm gonna do. Stop. Luigi, my son. Goodbye, Papa. I'm glad you sent that cable in a time. Now that I'm gonna receive the order, let her see how Basquale is trying to scare you, I'm gonna say, Mama mia, don't worry about the Basquale. I'm not gonna get married at all. Basquale says that I must get married. I'm gonna say I don't think it's so good. Of course, the marriage isn't nice, but I'm gonna take a lesson from my country. If this country could stay free, so can you're a Luigi. You're loving the son of Luigi Basquale, the little immigrant. Folks, the makers of Brigley's Spearman Chewing Gum hope you've enjoyed tonight's episode of Life with Luigi, and they'd like to remind you that Brigley's Spearman Gum is just about the perfect taste tree to enjoy between your meals. It isn't rich. It isn't heavy. Yet it does satisfy that little hankering you get for something good to chew on. A stick of Brigley's Spearman Gum is chock-full of delicious, long-lasting, real spearmint flavor. And you can chew and enjoy it for as long as you want. So keep Brigley's Spearman Chewing Gum handy all the time. Enjoy it often between meals. The makers of Brigley's Spearman Chewing Gum invite you to listen next week at this time when Luigi Basquale writes another letter to his mama Basquale in Italy. Life with Luigi is a Psy Howard production and is directed by Mr. Howard. Mack Benhoff writes the script with Lou Derman. J. Carrol-Mash is starred as Luigi Basquale with Alan Redis-Basquale, Hans Conrida-Schultz, Mary Schiff as Miss Balding, Joe Forte as Horowitz, and Ken Peters-Holtz. Music is under the direction of Love Club, Bob Stephenson speaking. It would be tough enough to be a child in Europe or Asia today if all you had to contend with was the battle to find a place to live among the ruins or to locate your missing family. But if, on top of all of this, you were cold and hungry as well, well then the battle wouldn't seem worth the effort. Pardon me. Thousands of children today are trying to survive under these conditions. 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