 The Alien franchise has had its ups and downs over the years. Mostly downs. Prometheus was kind of a reset. Some people liked it, some people loved it, some people hated it. I was in the like camp. It's been quite a while since Alien Covenant came out and ruined my life. I did a rant on it back in the day and I'd say epic fashion if I could, I think is fair. Since that time, technology has advanced and so has my show. Not a lot, but enough where I feel like, you know, today's the day where I can kind of do a remaster of that rant. A retelling of sorts with pretty much the same material. Anyway, here is my bitch fest of Alien Covenant in HD 4K. It's not 4K. Surround sound, not surround sound. Just a little bit better version than it was before. Enjoy. If you like Alien Covenant and you get offended by a grown man complaining on the internet, just walk away. This is not the video for you. I have a lot of other material, so you could maybe still subscribe and just not watch this one. Watch a multitude of other things I've put out. For the remainder of this video, I will be referring to Alien Covenant as Alien Coven Shit because that's how I feel about it and I don't think it's earned my respect to call it by its real title. Well, actually, I'd argue I am calling it by its real title. I will forever be in Ridley Scott's Good Graces for what he gave me with Alien. He would pretty much leave the franchise only to return for Prometheus, where I say it's a good start. It's a good start. There's dumb stuff in there, but for the most part, he laid a new foundation for us to jump on. It was meant to be a prequel. Love those prequels. Those usually work out really well. Let's keep going. As I stated, Prometheus has its faults. There's some pretty stupid stuff in there. At one point, there's that disgusting pre-face-hugger worm thing that sticks its head out of the water and the scientist is like, hi, hi, oozhoo boo boo, oozhoo boo boo. Psh, aah, why, why didn't I see this coming? Visually, I think it's Ridley Scott's most beautiful movie to date. The score is phenomenal. The characters are interesting. David is, David's top tier. Great, great Android, David, that little robot that could. There's that disturbing sequence where our protagonist has to operate a C-section on herself. There's some great stuff here. Plus the ending, the reveal that, oh, shit, we just had a little bit of an evolutionary breakthrough. A young xenomorph is birthed out of the creator. I love this guy too. He's like an angsty teenager. Yeah, I don't want it. I don't want to be on this planet. Yeah, I don't like it. I don't want it. Prometheus also has the stunningly gorgeous Charlize Theron, a very strong female lead whose only weakness in the film is being unable to turn. The giant ship is rolling behind her and she's like, if there's only a way I could avoid this. Like going that way or that way. No, we must stay the course. But overall, it was a good time for me. There was enough mystery. There was enough questions being asked, posed that a sequel would be justified. A sequel would say, you know what, Prometheus? I got you, babe. We're gonna take what you built and we're gonna bring it home. We're gonna bring it all the way home. No, that's not what happened at all. Ridley Scott's back with alien coven shit but he didn't even care about the previous movie. The main character Shaw, gone? What was the point of her struggles in the first movie, Surviving? Remember, Alien 3 when they killed off basically everyone but Ripley? And a ton of fans were like, what the fuck? Why would you kill off all these characters that fought so hard to survive? It's one thing to kill them on screen after some time goes by but to kill them off screen, how dare you? In the credits? When the film starts? That's what they did to Shaw. She's killed off screen after everything she went through. So no Charlize, no Shaw. What do we have? James Franco for three minutes. Why? Why is he in here? Is he reprising his role from 127 hours trying to survive his next big obstacle? I don't know. By the time I figured out it was James Franco because that's what everybody did when they saw the movie. They're thinking like, wait, is that Franco? Well, he is a versatile actor. He's got some range to him. I could see him fitting in really well in this universe and he's dead. He's dead. He is part of a crew whose job is to pollinate a planet with new humans. They've been studying, researching, looking into this planet for like a decade. They got the perfect one. The environment's right, breathable air, solid gravity. We can bring down our little human eggs, let them hatch, let them flourish over time. Then we got ourselves a new society, a new civilization until they don't do that at all because it was inconvenient. So because they had one hang up on the ship that cost them some time after their many year journey and out of all their research and time spent in funding, they think to themselves, well, shit. There's another planet a lot closer with similar qualities. We could just drop there. Things don't start out great. They got some pretty bad conditions flying in. Okay, we got a lot of structures. We got a lot of ground. We got a lot of flat areas. Let's go in the water. Let's touch down in the water. That seems like the most practical area to go. As a scientist, I've determined, yep, putting a plane on water makes far more sense than sitting it down on a hard, sturdy land. Well, at least we think, we don't actually know the qualities of this planet at all. We don't know the real properties outside of what our little schematics and readouts tell us. I mean, shit, for how inept the scientists are in Prometheus, they at least do a fly around. These guys barely go 20 feet because they have this storm hitting them instantly. Like that's a red flag right out of the gates. You have these crazy storms going on above. What do you think's gonna happen down below? Get out of there. Naturally, after touching down on a brand new planet, the protocol is you leave the ship, pop off the helmets and start checking things out, picking up the different flora and fauna in the area, touching shit, the leaves, kicking dirt around. Yeah, yeah. Take off your helmet. Right away, day one. No research. Oh, it's got breathable air. So that means there's absolutely nothing we should worry about at all here. We don't need that anymore. Here's a wild idea. Instead of taking almost your entire crew down to the planet, maybe just send the goddamn droid. Maybe just send the dude that doesn't need to breathe oxygen that can't get infected with disease. Maybe have him do a walk around for a little while, take some samples, do some readings. Yeah, we gotta go. There are aliens on this planet. These people apparently took a crash course in Scooby-Doo logic because that's how they play things out. They split up, married couple, boom. Disposable guys over there. We'll take this direction. One of the idiots gets infected almost instantly with some spores in his system. He's like, oh, bloods shooting out of his mouth like a fucking geyser. He goes back to the ship like, bloods coming out of every orifice. And the doctor's like, come on in. Let's go, let's get checked out inside. Let's go inside where the only safe haven of this place, of this God-forsaken planet. Let's head in, infect everyone. Instead of, I don't know, maybe setting up a cot outside, maybe getting a flashlight, maybe a thermometer, put it up his ass, figure out what's going on. Maybe also put on a hazmat suit so you don't infect everyone else, you moron. But instead, no, she marches him through the entire ship. So this dude is wrecked. He's being worked on while his spine is like popping out. He's got blood and piss and shit all over the floor. It's disgusting. And the doctor can't handle it after getting thrown up on, blood all over her, fully contaminated, right? Her friend or the other doctor, whatever she is, I don't remember anybody in this movie. They're all forgettable, outside of being completely stupid. She comes in, she like opens the door like, what's going on? The other doctor runs out because she doesn't want to contaminate anyone else. You are the contamination. She then shuts the door, locks the friend in, just completely bones her. Now there's a little baby alien on the ground. The woman is far bigger than it. She could probably kick it across the room, just like, and get out of there. But no, no, no. Instead, she does the cliche thing. They do in all horror movies where she falls to the ground and starts back pedaling and like reaches behind her for a little spatula. She's like, get up. Let's go, go to the door, get out. Although to be fair, there are blood droplets spackling the floor. And this is now essentially a Home Alone movie where Harry and Marv are the two scientists. So one slip on the blood has her fly head first into the pavement, she's dead. Kevin McAllister could take out this entire crew in less than an afternoon. Get home in time to finish off that mac and cheese you never started. This woman single-handedly ruined the entire mission. I mean, the mission was already ruined as soon as they decided, hey, let's not go to the place we researched for years and were funded for. Let's go here instead. Mystery planet. What could possibly go wrong? I forgot, she slips on the blood that I mentioned earlier at one point. She's like, I'm coming, right, right. Now that dumb and dumber are dead, we can focus on the rest of this horrible film. There is one cool scene after that where there's like these raptor aliens skulking through the weeds and they're taking people out. That part's awesome, but watch Jurassic Park 2 for that. I don't even wanna watch Jurassic Park 2 for that, so nothing I'm saying has value, just like this film. I also have to point out that currently the Xenomorphs can take shape based on this biological weapon, essentially, this bacterium that floats around. As soon as it gets into your system, a chestburster will pop out. So in their current form, the Xenomorphs are already more dangerous, more deadly, more badass. So as the film progresses and we go back to the kind of the old fashioned way of the face huggers and the eggs and stuff, I mean, that's counterproductive. You already have the most deadly version. Why are we making more stuff there, David? By the way, there's two Davids in this, not one fastbender, but two. Go fast or go home, right? We have OG David, the myth, the legend, the douchebag. And then we have the new country bumpkin, David. Can't remember his name, like a Gus or a Kip, Ned, Wheatley. I don't know, it doesn't matter. He sometimes uses the country accent, sometimes he doesn't. There's a lot of fastbender on fastbender action. You would think that'd be a turn on, like I did, but no, it's actually a turn off. Nothing they do is entertaining. There's two flute blowing sequences, not one, two. Two times, we have to listen to him play the flute. David reaches out and takes the flute, says, I'll do the fingering. Says that with no sort of irony in his voice. Nothing self-aware in this film. I'll do the fingering. Yes, you will. Yes, you will. The story is an absolute disaster, and visually it's a huge step down too from Prometheus, which was a stunning film from beginning to end. Here it has its moments, but for the most part, it's pretty bad. A lot of nighttime stuff that just is not pleasing on the eyes. There's predictability too. I knew country bumpkin was gonna get that flute into the side of the neck at some point. Just, David wins. Fatality. The big thing about Prometheus was the creators and why they hated humans so much, why they wanted to kill their own design, how the xenomorphs came to be. Well, Coven shit throws that all out the window and says, David made them. David was down in his workshop with his little pictures and his portraits and his animals being ripped open and his herbs and spices, and he's got just a bowl, I guess, that he's mixing it all in and like mashing up the bones and some of the leaves, and it was all going well until he added his secret ingredient, chemical ax, as in xenomorph. I picture David on the side of a cliff like chipping away at rock and he's got his vial and he collects it and he's got a little bit of DNA from an alien frog and he's like, yes, this is perfect. This is everything I needed. And that's how you make a xenomorph. Glick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick. The gestation time is all over the map here too. I remember when a chestburcer would run around as a cute little tiny baby and it would take a few hours or maybe even a day for the thing to be a big, bad grown-up. No, now it's instantaneous. There's a point where one rips out and mere minutes later, it's fully grown, ready to attack. Towards the end of the movie, and it's blatantly obvious right away when they introduce the second fastbender character that one of them's gonna die and it's not gonna be the dick. In 90s cartoons, there was always an episode where there was two characters that looked very similar and the only difference between them was one might have had like a blue bandana and one had red and that was their identifier. So if they really wanted to hoodwink the audience at some point, they could just swap headbands or they could both wear the same color and they'd be like, I'm the real one, not him. I don't know what cartoon I'm doing now. Started out as Ninja Turtles, then it turned into like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I'm not a real toy. Anyway, you just see this playing out from the onset when you see the two different characters of David. One has long hair, the country bumpkins get the short buzz. So after the ones killed, you just knew he was gonna mimic the haircut. Kills him, runs to the bathroom, does a little bit of snippy-snip, has some hair dye to color his hair because I think it was a different shade. I think it was a blonde almost. And he comes, I was like, well, hey guys, I reckon we should get going. David's gonna be staying back. He doesn't wanna come with. We're gonna just head on out. We're gonna saddle up and ride off into that sunset. This planet's the worst. The movie finally turns into somewhat of an alien experience once the final Xenomorph gets on the ship as they're leaving Hell Planet. And our main character, who I haven't mentioned yet because she's forgettable and just the worst, has to battle it, much like Ripley did in the original. Unlike Ripley though, she's doing a poor man's version of that haircut, which is just this ugly ass, dumb, moppy hair. It's the same actress from Fantastic Beasts and Where I Hate Them. I can't stand this haircut. Your haircut's fucking dumb and I hate you for having it. I don't even wanna look at that. Who said that haircut was a good idea? Stop doing haircuts. The film ends with David regurgitating mother bird style, a couple of DNA egg-its, a couple of, I presume mother xenomorphs that he will plant, let harvest, let grow, and then they can lay eggs and make a whole colony or something. Who cares? This movie sucks. This movie's just awful. I don't know how anyone in the right mind could like it. There's not a lot of action. There's not a lot of scares, not a lot of pretty stuff to look at. It's just all around a complete shit show, a disaster. Doesn't make sense at all. Why are the creators so easily foiled? Why was one android able to drop this virus on this one centralized location where they all lived on this massive planet? There's just one colony? They don't have any way to fight back? They all just trusted this ship? I don't... Thinking about this hurts. Short story long, I hated this. I think we're at the point now with this franchise where we go Halloween with it, where we go Candyman with it and just pick a number and start there. In Alien case, it would be Start After Aliens, the second one. So remake Alien 3, call it Alien... No, just call it Alien because that's what we do. We confuse the audience by making it sound like it's a reboot or a fresh start when really it's a sequel to a great original. Let's just do that. Alien 2022 or 2023, it's good again or something. I know it'll probably won't be. Who cares? 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