 There was a substantial part of my adult life that I definitely did not want kids and was very vocal about that. Past you, I get it. And let's talk about it. Please don't color on the lens. Hey, why is that, please? You can color on other things. Come here, you can color on this. What's going on lovers and friends? So in today's video, I wanna respond to a video that I made about two years ago called Why I Didn't Want Kids. Now, when I first made this video, I was pregnant. Now I have a 14-month-old, you just pop up on command. And I wanna reflect on my expectation of motherhood versus the reality and also speaking to the version of myself who, hey, why is that even fun? So I'm going to explore my three big reasons for not wanting kids and reason number one, I didn't wanna have kids because I didn't think I needed kids. Reason number two, I didn't wanna have kids because I did not want to be bonded forever to the wrong romantic partner, pregnancy guess. And reason number three is I did not want to have kids because I was afraid of losing my sexual and overall my individual identity. Hold on, before we get too deep in this video, can I take a little breather to tell you about the sponsor of this video, which is BetterHelp, a service that matches you with a licensed professional counselor within 48 hours amongst their 15,000 counselor network. It is a worldwide service, important to note, it's not a crisis line, it's not a self-help line, it's licensed professional counseling done securely through your phone, I mean 100% through your phone. You sign up on your cell phone, you get matched with a counselor within 48 hours who best suits what your needs are and again because they are worldwide, they're not restricted to finding you the best person in your region, it's just the best person overall for you. After that, you decide how you wanna talk with your therapist, is it text message, is it phone call, is it video chat, and if for whatever reason you feel like you and your therapist are not quite aligned, you can change at no cost at all. BetterHelp is dedicated to accessibility, it is often more affordable than offline counseling and they offer financial aid, payment plans and of course, if you are part of my lover and friend community, I have got a special offer just for you. If you go to betterhelp.com slash booty, that's better, H-E-L-P dot com slash B-O-O-D-Y, you can get 10% off your first month of licensed professional counseling done securely online through your phone with BetterHelp. I will say that, and many people who are not baby people can relate to this. Oh, good climbing. I was never a baby person. I never really felt that ovaries tingling sensation whenever I was around babies. If anything, I felt it for adults. Like if I saw Will Smith or Barack Obama like doing something really cool, I'd like, oh, I wish that those were my children. So it was never having a baby or having a kid that really drew me to this sacrificial journey to this role. So the tricky thing with that is that I do find that I probably enjoy and enjoy duh, the baby phase a lot less than other people would have. I think because I was honest about that with myself and I knew that I felt that way, it never made me feel, you wanna come down? Here, it never really ate. Good job. It never really made me feel guilty about my lack of enthusiasm, especially for the baby phase. I'm not to say that I hated it, but I will be honest and say that as she's gotten older, every phase has been my preferred phase as she has more freedom and more independence and more of her own personality. When she was just a lump of flesh, a glorified beggar rice, it wasn't really my favorite thing at all. But again, I think knowing that about myself was positive. I also talk about in this section how it's very important or it can be very important to have a kid, not because you want to have a baby, but because you wanna have an adult. The very essence of motherly love is to care for the child's growth. And that means to want the child's separation from herself. The real achievement of motherly love lies not in the mother's love for the small child, but in her love for the growing adult. Now that I actually have a baby, I can see both sides of it because I'm definitely around other parents who wanted babies and who are baby fanatics. And there's something really beautiful about that. A friend of mine was talking to me about all the programs she's done, all the books she's read, and just the various things she does with her baby. And I can see how down the line, developmentally, that enthusiasm for such a small person could be beneficial. Whereas for me, I'm kind of in this, let's just get through this phase, we'll do the best that we can. So I'm not necessarily investing the same time developmentally that I anticipate that I will as she gets older because my interest area is in adults, it's in young people, it's in teens, like that's where I've done the bulk of my work and my knowledge, and that's where developmentally I'm excited about working with her. Right now I'm just, we're just doing a great job getting through it, right Ry? I think you're doing pretty good. You're missing my hand. This is a, here, high five. Dear Rigo. Getting to that space of honey is something pretty new for me. And so in many ways, putting off having a child for as long as I did, which of course comes with risk because I am an older mom, was the best decision for me because now I'm in a place where I think I can truly look into a kid's eyes and say it is good to be alive. And now go out there and live life for yourself. Here's all the tools, here's all the knowledge, and when you are ready, take this and become an adult who has honey, who has life to give, who has a lust for life in their eyes, because I have that now. I can't even get to tell you how mother-true this is. This is the truth. If you aren't happy and if you haven't found your joy or a source of joy in life and you embark on motherhood, I can only imagine because this role is so sacrificial and difficult. And to be honest, I was blessed with a not-so-happy baby. Raiju was somebody, I think that there's two kinds of people in this world. There's people who they're like, well, let me see what's good about life. And then there's people who are like, I think there's something I can complain about. That's Raiju. She's had a natural, complaining disposition. She was not a colicky baby, but definitely a very fussy baby. And even as she's gotten older, continues to be somebody who gets frustrated very easily. My baby cries a lot. People let me tell you about my best friend. He's a warm hearted person who loved me till the end. So I feel like if I wasn't able to counteract that with tons of joy and I wasn't able to show her that life can be fun, I see a change in her disposition, not to say that I give myself credit for that, because as she's gotten older and more freedom, she has gotten less frustrated because now she has more control over her body. So a lot of her frustration in the beginning I think was just feeling like I want things, I need things, things should be different, but I have no control over my circumstances. But I do notice a shift in her. And I do know that I had to really double down a lot and remind myself why life is good, why I chose to have a baby, why all of this is gonna be okay and keep a smile on my face throughout it. And I just have to say having that honey really does and really has probably made all the difference for me in motherhood. That fear of being bonded to the wrong person doesn't really exist. And I don't have to feel like we have to be together the way that we are right now in order for me to firmly still stand on that decision and still feel good about the choice to create a life with this person. And I don't think I really ever experienced that before. Definitely been in love before. I've definitely liked people before, but to be in a space where I have enjoyed and benefited from every stage of the relationship and liked and loved someone so thoroughly just gives me a confidence that no matter what, I'm going to be happy and look back on this video and say you were six months pregnant with an incredible person's kid and together you will hopefully make an incredible human being. This piece right here. Riu, the passion is flowing through mama. Thank you. Anybody who's watching this video who is a single parent kudos to you. Literally, you are Superman to me. You are Spider-Man. I have no idea how you did it. It is having a baby is so much work. It is more work than you can fathom. And that's a stupid thing to say because you're like, I can tell how much work it is. And I thought that I literally lived with my sister's kids when they were six months old and two years old. So I thought I knew how much work it is. It is 24 hours a day. Literally nonstop attentiveness, nonstop responsiveness. Your body is always on alert. You were always paying attention. You have never done anything in your life more than you have done this. You haven't looked after yourself. You haven't binged watch something. You haven't gone to school. There's nothing that can compare to the level of focus, attentiveness and time for me that having a baby has taken on. Now, my dad brings up a really great point because my dad is not somebody who grew up with very attentive parents and things worked out fine for him. So that's also a possibility. Growing up without parental supervision, you learn to become independent very quickly. And I remember from the time I could walk, you would leave the yard in the morning and then you'd come back at night and you got into a pattern of you came back at night, you got sent to bed with a beating and eventually you learn that you go out and have fun all day and the beating was a price that you could pay for having fun so it became like a bargain. But you didn't require your parents to read to you or do anything to you, you just amuse yourself. So everybody's experience is slightly different but many people that I've spoken to can probably attest to the fact that it is extremely all-encompassing and without a partner who you feel has equal stakes in this than you, I just have to give it up to you because it's really, really, really hard to get help. It is really, really hard to get the kind of help that you need as a parent, I think. I think people forget what you require because yeah, I'll just say that, that getting outside people to really take on the responsibilities that you can let go for a second is something that I think is extremely rare. People might volunteer to do it but they may not know what that actually entails and then when they're actually in it, they might find themselves dipping out and then you find yourself having to dip right back in and so what I do find is there's a mix of that happening and also a mix of guilt, right? The guilt that I internally feel if I hear that she's fussy or I hear things aren't going well or I feel like, oh, that person's probably so annoyed, that person probably wants me to come and step in or if we're out and we're out for dinner and then we call to check in and she's screaming, I'm like, we probably should rush to get back and sometimes it isn't the other person who says that, it's just naturally the guilt that you feel as a parent, like nobody else should have to deal with the struggles of raising your kid for you. So me knowing that, the literal only time that I can I'd say 80% let go of that guilt because it still does exist in me but the closest that I get to that and for damn sure the closest you're ever gonna get for me to somebody who is going to be as involved and take the on-level responsibility that you as a parent is when you pass it off to the person who's co-parenting with you, pat it off. When you share responsibility, you pass the baby off to the person who's co-parenting and having a partner who I love as a parent. Yo, I love Jared as a parent. I love what he brings out of Ryu. I love what Ryu brings out of him. I love their dynamic and I love that I can let them have their own dynamic and walk away from it. It's completely possible to find somebody who is not in a parenting role but who assumes that responsibility and understands what that really looks like and what that really entails and is willing to invest in themself in that way. All those things are possible but damn it, I'm really grateful for my circumstances. I'll just say that. I'm really, really grateful for these circumstances. I've worked really hard to get to the space that I'm at now where I can feel confident and good about my sexuality and my individuality and so knowing now that I am at risk of losing that or that of being a thing that's gonna be attacked so heavily once again as I enter into this new phase was really scary to me but I realized and instead of looking at it like, oh my gosh, I've come so far. I don't wanna have to keep fighting. It should be like, yay. I already know how to fight this fight. I've done this before. I've already put in the work. I've already developed the skills necessary to combat the next phase of my fight to be myself, to be my sexual self and so I don't have to be afraid. I just have to double down. I have to double down in my sureness and be prepared for that battle and I am, I genuinely believe that I probably am more ready for that than ever. Let's talk about losing yourself once you have a baby. So those of you who have been following for a long time know that I set a really specific, strong intention to not lose myself, my sensuality, my sexuality, my sexy and I was very aggressive about that. Not just when I had the baby but before that as well. Like even in my maternity shoot, like that was really the theme of it. Like I don't wanna lose the best parts of myself or let go of the things that I love because I'm now adding another love into my life and my mom has this quote which is you shoot for the moon and you land on the treetops but if you shoot to the treetops you might land on the ground. So set your sights higher than reasonable to hope that you meet somewhere in the middle and that's how I'll describe my relationship with this particular area. Can I sit here and tell you that my sex life, my self-care time, my sensual time hasn't been impacted, never in a million years. I could never tell you that. I am a completely, I wanna say completely, I'm a partially dimmed down version of my sensual self and I knew this was like, actually when I very first had Raiju maybe a couple months afterwards I was trying to do this sensual series because I just felt like I was in the, you know the ick of it and I was like every day I'm gonna do one sensual thing for myself, right? Like eat something sensually, massage myself, put on perfume, like little things. There's nothing really big and I couldn't keep it up. I feel like after day four, I literally like I would forget that I wanted to set that time aside for myself and so I have noticed, I knew at that point that it would be very difficult to maintain and then I knew I would have to exist with the ebb and flows because the interesting thing about the timeframe that I'm in right now is that, you know the baby is constantly changing and so as soon as you figure out a flow and you get into a schedule, something shifts with her, she starts teething or she grows or she gets a mosquito bite that's itching her at night, there's something that happens and you have to adjust as a parent and then your whole idea of an equilibrium gets thrown off and your whole idea of balance gets thrown off so you're adjusting to her and then you have to adjust to yourself second and as a result of that, there are parts of those, things, parts of yourself that you do lose in the process but for me reminding myself that this is temporary, also for me, searching for any moments that I can that do allow me to connect with myself in that way, I'm really grateful for little things that I did last year. Savage X Fenty reached out to partner with me two months after I'd given birth and that seemed like the stupidest thing in the world to me but I was like, you know what, I'm gonna do it, it's a six month contract, I'm really obviously, as many of us are a big fan of Rihanna's and I was like, I wanna try this and I'm glad I did that because it purposefully gave me at least once a month, I got all this lingerie and then once a month, I tried it on for my husband and we made content together around it and like little stuff like that made a difference and it helped me to see myself in the way that I'm used to seeing myself but like I said, you'll go through ebbs and flows with it and I'm grateful that I set the intention that I did, did I live up to my dream life of being the fully realized, sensual version, complete same me, absolutely. Am I kind of close? Probably not. Am I proud of myself still? Absolutely, fucking, literally. Sorry, Ryu. Fellow moms, I hope you understood that moment. The truth is, being a mom, taking on the role of parenting is a lot and that is why it's important not to take this on by yourself, if at all possible and it is even more advantageous if you have the ability to share what you're going through with somebody who can give you advanced insight like a licensed professional counselor and that is why for videos like these, I love partnering with BetterHelp and once again, like I said at the top of the video, this is a service that you can utilize securely through your phone and within 48 hours you get matched with a therapist who best suits your needs, it's a worldwide service and if you want to sign up using my link, you can get 10% off your first month of professional license counseling or therapy through BetterHelp. All you have to do is go to betterhelp.com slash booty. That's better, H-E-L-P.com slash booty. Okay, now we're gonna close this thing out. But if I was to give advice to someone like myself who was career focused, who was passion focused and who strongly revered their freedom, I would say first and foremost, don't let a single person on this planet pressure you into doing this, don't let anybody tell you that this is what you should be doing with your life because when you need help, you will likely be hard pressed to get that person to answer their phone. That is the damn truth, that the people who put the most pressure on me to have kids are the people that I speak to the least right now. This has to be something that comes from you. 100% has to be a thing that you think to yourself, I can do this and I am willing to take on all the various responsibilities and sacrifices and changes that are likely to come when I do do this and if you're not there, you keep on living life for you, on your pace, on your terms with the people that support your way of life and who amplify that your existence matters exactly as it is and your existence is enough, that is first and foremost. Secondly, I would say if you are in a space where you think that you're ready, yes, mobilize, making sure that you have the right partnership. If at all possible, I know it's not possible for everybody but if it's possible to co-parent with somebody who you know is going to be equally invested in the word no, again with a grain of salt because I think people can think that having a kid is one thing and when they're actually in that position, they see it something very different but in addition, rallying other people who you know you can hold accountable to be supportive to you. Then I would say, shoot for the damn stars. When you're in preparation for having a kid, you envision the life that you want. Think about if you didn't know the baby's personality and you're not thinking about worst case scenario, plan for best case scenario and whether that means like, I wanna travel the first year. Maybe you don't, maybe you're two, I'm a year two or I'm now, she's 14 months and I'm now traveling so I wanna still make sure that I'm in school. I maintained schooling the entire time with Ryu. Yes, when I gave birth, when I was pregnant with Ryu, I was taking 16 course credits and now I'm taking four. Am I still in school? Yes, does it look the exact same? No, but I shot for the stars and I landed on the tree tops and I'm grateful that I did that. And here's the thing, when you're shooting for the stars, people are gonna be pissed at you. People are gonna be like, you think that you can, just wait to see, you're gonna find out real quick. Let them. Let those people be naysayers, let them be negative, let them downplay your aspirations, it's okay. There's no part of me that looks back and says, oh, I wish I took that advice and didn't make those goals for myself. Even though, again, like I said, there's a lot of things that I wanted to do and things that I'm actually doing. I'm really proud and comfortable with wearing that because I know that it was fueled by 100% effort and I'm doing everything I possibly can to be the best mom within my power and also the best me within my power and their sacrifice had to come on both ends and I'm aware of that, I'm comfortable with that and I'm proud of myself for my gains, I don't focus on my losses and my lesser thans. Break in the bag, break in the bag Head out here for that, because it gets wet Pull out a stack, flip it and get in the bag After the party, rockin' future down We so tipsy, we're wearing chin chin love Put additional mama on my