 Two artists bonded for life by a mutual enthusiasm for the finer things like philosophy big butts and raggedy punk boys Please welcome Janelle and Bronte. I actually totally hate public speaking and my nightmare is to follow somebody like Paul Flores If I thought I could get away with doing like a little hand puppet show up here. I would have done that Okay, but as Michelle said I recently illustrated and published a book called the cruising diaries it's a Bronte's memoir of sexual escapades around the Bay Area So I'm gonna tell a story about a date that I went on somewhat recently and Start off pretty normal. We're like eating Thai food in Berkeley and towards the end of the date My date his name is Tony He started working his mouth around like maybe he was like trying to get something off of his gums And he pulls out this huge hunk of just like something sharp and hard and metal Like we didn't know what it was and he'd almost swallowed it. It was like giant. So it calls the waitress over she comes over He's like, hey, yeah, I found this in my food. I almost swallowed it. She grabs it in her bare hands after had been in his mouth Is examining it with her like thumb and forefinger doing a little CSI forensic investigation And then she says, huh looks like a piece of broken plate and then just leaves and she doesn't apologize like she just thought the end and like walked away, so Ordinarily if this had happened to you, you know, you'd be like upset Maybe you'd call the manager over like write a bad yelp review, you know, maybe just like dine and dash But Tony just Tony got real quiet. He got real quiet and He went to the bathroom and he was gone a while and I figured he would just like needed some space to himself And was like maybe fuming and pulling himself together Until I got a text and the tech said get ready to leave right when I get out of here. I'm like, huh How come I text him back and he says I just took a shit on the floor And this guy was always like he was a funny guy, right? He's always pulling these pranks on me I'm like this joke sir. I'm like, yeah, right. You're lying and then I got a picture text And then there was like no denying exhibit a like lying there like Sleepily curled up on the floor little brown log on white tile. It was not CGI. It was doodoo. It was on the floor Who does that so he's 40 years old by the way I wasn't like on a date with the 16 years old. This is a 40 year old man's problem-solving skills And in case you ever wondered if I'm a ride or die type of woman. I'm not I Took soon back. I'll be waiting in the car and I just fled the scene Doesn't like a story like remember that one crazy guy went out that one time. No, I dated him for a year after that And guess what I was never ever bored. I was never bored So I published a lot of fanzines like a lot of punk fanzines when I was younger and they had a lot of dating stories in them and Punk dating stories are messy barf happens wind shields get kicked out Want someone notoriously famously got a bucket of rams of piss dumped on his head But it was never my intention to like shame anyone I was just trying to chronicle my adventures of like being a sexual Charlie Brown That always got the football yanked away and as I got older I got kind of concerned that what it meant to turn human beings into anecdotes and Maybe if it was damaging my friendships and I had a lot of time to mull this over and I've decided fuck that my Grand conclusion is if you have a story to tell You have an obligation to tell it if it's a funny story or it can like help humanity in some way You need to tell your story because we live in very boring times Technology has made people lazy and path passive companies take our creativity you know Diluted regurgitate it back to us in like a boring new package Reading internet comments make you stupid and they give you ass cancer. You should just stop doing it It's like a terrible thing to do And so for all these reasons and more that's why I decided to publish the cruising diaries I truly believe that stories about poop dick and fisting can make the world a brighter place and and I also think that There's one more thing. I Feel like there's an underlying message there about the clumsiness and the sweetness and the futility of seeking out Human connection that we can all relate to and I think that it's great. And so without further ado Here's Brontes So These were all stories. Oh, yeah, so these were all stories called from this fanzine. I did About 10 years ago called fag school I grew up in Alabama and I kind of internet stalked Janelle about 15 years ago. I knew her. There's the lady on the cover of the Bratmobile record Also did tells a blog as in I was well, I never saw tells a blog. I saw desperate times, but I was always Pretty enamored cut to later moved to Oakland And we're friends and she put out this fucking crazy shit Anyway, so I moved here and I was finally just like I was happy to be out of Alabama and I was just like, yeah I live in the city. I can get some dick So I wrote some stories about it. Okay Hold on this first story is a yeah. Yeah, okay this First story is a tell of the supernatural I Woke up alone to that weird pulsating butthole feeling like when you're getting fucked and someone pulls their dick out of your Ass and there's that weird sort of pop or whatever has anyone never had a sex and that happened. Oh Yeah, I'm the only one you fucking liars Anyway, I felt that feeling waking up and I did a quick finger check to see if I had shit myself When I noticed that I was clean a chill of terror Ran down my spine as I looked across the empty room. I had totally been fucked by a ghost This next story is entitled taco truck I Used to have a big problem with drinking now. I'm just a sex addict taco truck. I Was standing in line at the cafe waiting for my bagel when my recollection of the night before Which it somehow escaped me all morning. You know how that happens like the next day you like you're just like, oh, man I did that shit fuck Anyway came snapping back and shit fuck Jesus Mary. What a doozy bits and pieces came together After the beer bus at the Eagle I went to the hotel room of a very short dark Asian porn star No sex. He just wanted to be friends weak. I stole some of his underwear and left That was Darren by the way. Yeah On the trip. Oh, is this recording? Damn Anyway, I'm the train back home I looked at my balls falling out of my jogging shorts if I wasn't me would I want to gay bash me? probably I Got off at my stop and that buff meth head was asking me for change again He was really feeling it and followed me all the way to the taco truck. He refused to let up So after some shrew negotiation, I paid him two dollars to suck his dick Behind the taco truck at the far end of the parking lot his dick tasted like coffee After remembering all of this I started crying and calling my big brother I called my big brother and started pulling all that whining. Where is my life going bullshit? Luckily, he sent me straight and explained his reasoning in three parts One don't trip about blowing a drug addict. There is no bigger understatement than homelessness sucks If you were homeless, you would want hella drugs too true to Not having sex with someone just because they don't have a house is discrimination Do you really want that on your consciousness? Don't be a dick. Let it slide three And this is the most important point Besides richer parents and the whole hygiene thing what makes those soulless Coked art school losers you scrambled to fuck more sexually credible than the homeless guy. I Couldn't think of anything Seeing it this way made me feel better and that buff meth head or my lover rather stopped asking me for change and Started flirting with me more because I guess I give good head I was so pleased with all the positive outcomes of this scenario. I was even inspired to stop drinking for a week Okay Okay, so when I first moved here. I used to I lived in this like crazy punk rock warehouse in East Oakland with like 25 other kids That's why I am who I am like I'll be like at work or at school like talking to myself and shit Like just damaged this fuck like God. It was like the best time of my life The story is called Brenda's revenge Okay, one time I had a really hot roommate who did tons of cocaine One night for like the 48th time ever I was in his room getting fucked up and helping him look for drugs He had lost went three tequila shots later as if by magic. We were slapping dicks He turns on straight porn and asked if he can call me Brenda the name of his favorite girl in the porno At this point I was too far along in the process. Fuck it. Why not try it once? I'm sure dude, whatever Then he tried to fuck me without a condom. Listen, baby. I don't have AIDS I only have sex with girls blah blah blah blah blah blah and I was like keep talking genius no condom Ew, I was younger then If he had been my steady monogamous boyfriend or Damon from the bit from the British pop band blur This scene could have been more negotiable, but this fucking cokehead our hell no he wasn't gonna get me pregnant The thought of a cauliflower farm growing in my ass as well as a super powerful STD dragon that would also live in my ass and harass me in my sleep at night came to mind Because I was high and I was moved to action put on a condom you fucking hippie He put on a condom immediately lost his erection and passed out This was quite some bullshit boning Boning down with cokehead straight dudes is counter-revolutionary and he didn't even have the decency to give me a fucking bump That motherfucker I Ease the tension by coming really quick quickly wiping my comb on one of his clean pair of socks and leaving the room This is this is back when I was a student at Laney College Sometimes I just go and hang out at the locker room. I haven't gone there in years Okay, so locker room I Took a ballet class and I was fucking horrible my teacher was a groundbreaking 80 year old artist who had survived Multiple heart surgeries and dance in the last days of Oakland vaudeville. She told me that I had potential She also told me to study the Mexican dancers watch their technique. She said it's something about their technique Juan introduced himself after class and I followed him to the locker room where he undid my belt pulled down my pants Gently turned me face first into the lockers and pulled my hips back So my ass was more exposed in the corridor of locker compartments He rubbed saliva on his dick and tried to enter me, but I told him no again I was young he physically insisted in this sort of way And I didn't tell him no the second time, but I was too tense I knew something more reasonable was gonna have to happen So I sucked him off and he came in my mouth and on my chest We cleaned up just in time before the dumb baseball players stormed the locker room. I never saw him again after that There were more wands I swear there was more oh this dude I ended up in LA at this party with a totally famous gay rapper This fat kid kicked me out of a three-way and then I started receiving somewhat unwanted advances from one of the rappers friends I guess I flirted with him a bit before and he took it really seriously He grabbed me refused to let me go and Repeated over and over in this really thick LA cholo accent. Don't be fucked up. Don't be fucked up Don't be fucked up. I wasn't gonna fool around with him But then I relently partly because I don't know why and partly because I was mildly curious and also I was there why not We got to the bathroom and he wanted to fuck me, but I told him that he could come on my face and that was it Though I felt like I had worked hard to make this situation a mutually loving and erotic experience for both of us He still told all his friends at the party that I was a stuck-up bitch and I am Fuck what the fuck I could have just been over. What the fuck kind So precious This story is called shrooms It was Sunday morning and I was in Dolores Park getting ridiculously Baked with a bunch of lady men a very boastful friend was feeling high and mighty because he was the only practicing Fistfucker amongst us. This means fistfucker. It's a universal symbol for fist thing. Okay It's the most powerful connection you will ever feel with anyone ever She said as if sharing a favorite TV show or flavor of ice cream didn't count really bitch lies I told my side of the story Some time ago I was feeling grandiose and took all the shroom caps in an eighth bag of mushrooms and went to the bath house by myself a Very handsome older gentleman asked me if I was into handballing I told him that it wasn't my cup of tea, but I take a sip and then I was tripping balls He told me that I'd be fine and he gave me a gold star because my fingers were freshly manicured I took him in his room and started to punch him in the ass real good And then I got triggered into thinking about that old video game mortal combat And that voice that comes on when your partner is at his most vulnerable that yells finish him And then I rip his guts out and hold him up to the air mystic thunder crashing down around me because holy shit I was fucking high and Then it occurred to me that I was kind of bored and would rather be getting fucked because I'm a lazy bottom The most powerful connection you will feel with anyone ever my ass Besides his heartbeat. I felt nothing Because when you fist someone you can feel their heartbeat that weird vein is right there and it's like Do-do-do-do-do you didn't know that it's crazy That's it. Thank you Holy god, okay like crying