 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today or this live stream today. Our topic, the reason why he's scared to be in a relationship. All right, really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions. By no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations. All right, let's jump into why a man might be scared to be in a relationship. So before I jump into this, there was something that came up that I wanted to share with everyone. And it was a post I read on my channel where someone, a woman was stating how men seem to be very needy these days in relationship. They tend to be very needy and requiring a lot of communication, a lot of connection, a lot of validation. So this isn't the first time I've heard this. I've heard this many a time from women that they've noticed this propensity of men being a little bit more needy than, say, those alpha males, those bad boys that are in control, they've got good social skills, and they've just noticed that it seems like there's less of those types of men and there tend to be more men who are needy. Now, sadly, a lot of coaches characterize this neediness as feminine energy. And while I don't like characterizing it from the premise of a gender per se, because I think it's neediness actually comes from fear, I'm just suggesting that this gets discussed a lot. And I think, by the way, and this is true for women as well, I think neediness is something that we are all experiencing to some degree because as I shared in a previous live stream, and this relates to a podcast I was listening to the other day, that we are experiencing what's known as an intimacy famine, an intimacy famine. And what that means, when we think of intimacy, I always refer it to, into me you see, into me you see. In other words, you can see me, you can really see who I am. Warts and all, like the good, the bad, the ugly, and really what I also think intimacy is really about accepting a person, warts and all. And sadly, and I do believe the pandemic, the shutdowns amplified this desire that humans are desperately wanting connection. They want connection with other human beings. And I know this is confusing to a lot of women because that desire for connection oftentimes makes men come on stronger than they wouldn't otherwise do because certainly men are driven biologically to conquer and hunt and to have sex with a woman. That's why I'm so tired of the rhetoric when you're listening to those coaches that men are natural hunters and that they want to claim you and all you have to do is sit back and do nothing and just let them do all the work. Well, is that really a good strategy? If you allow that to happen, but he's only really seeking a sexual connection with you, is that a good strategy to operate from that place? I don't think it's a good strategy. I think it's a terrible strategy and this is why I mock it so oftenly. And I'm here, today's broadcast is really gonna go into the deeper emotional challenges, both men and women both are experiencing these days. And I think it's important to recognize that there is this intimacy famine going on. And what's happening is men and women alike are seeking connection. They're seeking a bit of companionship. They're seeking physical connection from a sexual perspective. And yet many people aren't able to cross over into that area of commitment, to cross over into the emotional responsibility to be in a relationship. Emotional responsibility to be in a relationship? Yes, emotional responsibility, that ability to take on someone else's emotions, but not just taken on, but also genuinely care for someone else's emotions. I want you to think about this for a moment. Probably the most important thing amongst many in a relationship, but I would say it's really should be the top of the list is trust. I know some people think it's chemistry. I look at women's dating profiles. I have to have chemistry. I have to have chemistry. I have to have chemistry. I have to have chemistry. Well, you're hyper focusing on chemistry without really understanding what's required in a relationship is something greater and that's trust. And what I mean by trust is, does this person care about my feelings as much as I care about my own feelings? In other words, are they going to look out for my best interest? That's trust. That's real trust. And I think when I said earlier, that takes a level of emotional responsibility, not physical responsibility. I mean, sure men can give you, some men can, not all, but the trade off is they get to ejaculate in you and you get to orgasm if they're good at, their oral skills or their manipulation skills or their penal skills, whatever. Because for a lot of men, the trade off is I got to come inside you and I make you come. So it's an equal exchange, okay? In fact, this is one of the reasons why men think, a lot of men think they're good lovers if they give a woman an orgasm, but that's only one piece of the equation. What humans are thirsty for is at least, and I can only speak for my female clientele, is can I trust this person? And I don't mean trust from a place of fidelity. I'm talking about, does this person genuinely care about my feelings? This is why ladies, I say this over and over again, it takes about a hundred hours of face to face time just to get to level one of trust, just to get to level one of trust. And most of you are operating from this premise of, the man is romantic and he'll just, he's gonna make me feel so good and I'll just open up my vagina to a guy and I've only known him for three dates. Can trust be built in three dates? I don't think so. And if you follow my work, you know, I'm gonna say this, I say it over and over again before the penis goes inside the vagina, you should be reading the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Why, these are eight separate conversations to determine if you guys are compatible with one another. Can you really work together as a team? Well, and when I mean by work together team, let me reframe that. Are you really compatible with one another to actually become a team at a later date? But Jonathan, all the dating coaches tell me to not interview a guy and don't put any pressure and just go with the flow because the men just naturally know what they're doing. As men age, they're fucking clueless. You know, it's interesting. For the 20 and 30 year old guy who's on the hunt for a wife, he's thinking intentionality. He wants the mommy of his children. He is vetting you from that perspective. Take the over 40 crowd, the predominantly divorce crowd, they have no fucking clue what they want. They want to spend time with someone. I'm not saying all a big percentage. They want someone where they can have companionship connection at sex at their beck and call, but it doesn't mean that they wanna grow with someone. So how are you gonna determine ladies before you have sex, ask better questions. And I'm here to say, by the way, if you need help with that, check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. My whole area of expertise is teaching how to pre-qualify that your prospect. But Jonathan, I'm not supposed to do those things. You don't have time to fuck around. And worse, you don't have time to have sex with the wrong person and find out six to eight weeks later. Stop buying into the traditional narratives that have been sold out there and start taking charge of your relationship destiny. Don't leave it up to the guy. By the way, why is the number one search term for women? Men are commitment phobic. Why do men ghost? Why do men disappear? Why do men ignore women? We're gonna talk about that in a moment. If there's a reason for it, but by the way, if there's a reason for it, then maybe you should be thinking, you know what, maybe I should wait before I have sex with someone. Maybe I should really get to know this person at a deeper level to build trust in the relationship to before you give your heart to a man. It's my invitation for you. So coming back to this neediness, the way I started this conversation, it's just I've noticed this for men and women alike. And I think we are in unique times, unlike ever before. And I think part of the problem is we no longer live in tribes. We no longer live in villages where we feel surrounded by people who genuinely love us. And because of those people that surround and genuinely love us, we didn't have to put so much pressure on one person filling all our needs. In fact, here in the United States, we are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. Folks, if you follow my work, you know I'm a big proponent of loving yourself first. This is why I wrote my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? A journey of, by the way, a plug for my book. There's a link below. A journey of personal development and self-help and spiritual work. So you're not dependent on someone needing to love you so you can feel good about yourself because that's what love would do. And that's how love would respond for yourself. To put that loving energy for yourself and to heal that little child inside of you that's hurting, that doesn't need mommy or daddy to love you anymore for you to love yourself. And this is true of men and women alike. And I invite you all to lean into that little child inside of you and allow that little child, allow the adult in you to nurture that little child, to love on that little child so you don't need it from a man. And then you can approach a relationship from a more empowered sense instead of the bullshit masculine and feminine rhetoric. You guys know how I feel about that. So, again, my invitation for you all is take charge of your relationship destiny, don't give it up to a man. So what causes a man to be scared to be in a relationship? Well, you know, it's interesting. Do you know the definition? If you Google, went in Google right now and typed in the definition of a relationship, there's basically two definitions. And that is, I'm gonna kind of paraphrase this for a second. By the way, this beautiful coffee mug was made by a friend of mine, and I'll read it to you a little bit later. We'll have some fun with that one. Handmade, the definition of a relationship. One, to be engaged in a shared activity, to be engaged in an activity or a shared activity. Well, that seems to make sense, isn't that? What you want in a, oh, excuse me, the definition of commitment, not a relationship, okay? To be engaged in a shared activity. And number two, a restriction of freedom. A restriction of freedom. Now, let me give you an example of a restriction of freedom that you all might relate to, okay? Because this isn't per se about, but we're related to commitments, commitments, okay? So my brother's niece's birthday party, I'm gonna make this up, is next weekend, okay? And I, RSVP, yes, okay? And for whatever reason, I wake up that morning and I'm like, I just don't feel good. I don't feel like going. But I made a commitment. So the freedom would be, I wanna just stay home and chill, you know, because I'm not feeling well. Maybe I'm hungover, whatever it is, but I made a commitment. And that's what restriction of freedom feels like, is not being able to do what you wanna do. And this is, by the way, men and women feel this all the time. I know a lot of women compromise themselves to make a man happy because you made a commitment to the relationship. So that's the definition. Let's go into deeper what might cause a man or woman to feel scared to be in a relationship. Now, we can always think of the idea, she's just not that into you, but I'm not buying into that. If you're just not that into someone, then end the relationship. That's not about being scared. That's about being misaligned. Let me repeat that. That's simply about being misaligned with someone, okay? Fear is oftentimes our little child inside of us that didn't feel loved when we were little kids. And many, many women have felt an abandonment in their childhood or a rejection in their childhood by their parents or some significant trauma in their childhood from their parents. And it's not uncommon that that childhood wound begins to manifest itself more and more and more and more in adulthood. Now, this is really important to listen to this right now because I want you to think about this. For the man who's in his 20s and 30s that wants to raise a family with someone, that fear might be overridden by that desire to make babies with someone. And that's not all men in these days that shifting, but certainly in the baby boom generation or the gen X generation, we were programmed to, many of us were programmed to go to college, get a job, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, start a family, okay? That was the programming. And that overrode that fear that was inside of us ever since childhood. So let me give you an example of this. There's, oops, there's a picture of my mom. Me and my mom, I was roughly in my 20s right then. My mom had a habitual habit of emotionally abandoning my brother, my sister and my dad and I on a regular basis. So I want you to imagine I'm a six-year-old boy and my mother got mad at my father. There's a picture of mom and dad before they got around the time they got married. She got mad at my father and what she would do is she would clam up, not talk to anyone for three days. She would literally have resting bitch face. She would literally have resting bitch face. And as a little kid, I'm like, why isn't mommy loving me right now? Why isn't mommy loving me? Did I do something wrong? That's my little kid talking. And as an adult, I didn't understand any of this until I started to do some deep inner child work until I really started to talk to the little kid inside of me who's afraid of love. And whenever I hit my emotional edge, remember I talked about that emotional edge, that emotional responsibility, I'd run because I couldn't trust love. Now the way I manifested that is I became very needy. I had an anxious attachment style. But for a lot of men, they could have an avoidant attachment style. And if you're not familiar with the book attached by Amir Levine, Rachel Heller, I highly recommend reading this. And while my mom was a very loving person, she didn't intentionally mean to hurt me. A child can't comprehend. By the way, ladies, you have the same thing with your fathers when your fathers went off to work and didn't give you much time, this male role model in your life. And by the way, it could be a surrogate parent as well. All of this affects us emotionally as a child. And so what happens is as adulthood happens, believe it or not, all of this stuff starts to percolate and surface the older we get. If you've ever heard of midlife crisis, this is part of the crisis, is the emotional crisis that's going on inside of most everybody. So here's the thing, you might think that a man who's in his 40s, 50s or 60s should be more mature and it's quite the opposite. They don't have the relationship skills because we were never taught relationship skills. If you're not familiar with my chart, this is called emotional maturity relationship skills. By the way, the following is not a fact. It's an opinion. Roughly 20% of humans have clinical issues. And while over here, I say 20% of humans are emotionally healthy, I'm being rather generous there because everybody is dysfunctional. And the older we get, if these wounds haven't been healed, we become more and more dysfunctional. This is why I'm a big proponent of everybody purchasing this book, The Hoffman Process. The Hoffman Process, this is a deep dive into healing those childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas. I was working with a client the other day and we did some inner child work because her little girl inside of her was abandoned by her father. And every time she got close to a man, she would run away. And the same thing happens to men. I know it happens to me. I've had to do a lot of healing in this area because as I started this broadcast, I was the needy guy that needed a lot of attention. And it's taken a heroic Herculean effort to just be in a place of relative calm. And I know many of you look up to me, but I've had to do a lot of work. I've had to do a lot of work. This isn't easy stuff. This is why I pound it over and over and over again. But Jonathan, all you're doing is telling me to buy books because folks, it is through healing. And these many books that I suggest that gives you even a remote opportunity to find that juicy, delicious relationship that you all desire. And by the way, it's so funny. I saw a post earlier today, one woman said, oh my God, I've done all this inner work and I can't believe all the idiot men out there. The minute I read, she said, idiot men. She hadn't done the work. She's judging men. She's making her out. That's, by the way, that's a very narcissistic thing to say, believe it or not. I'm perfect, but everybody else sucks. Look at folks. I believe everybody has fucked up. It's just a matter of degrees, okay? This is why I highly recommend everybody checking out this book by Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection. Let go of who you think you are. You're supposed to be and embrace who you are. I highly, highly, highly recommend checking out Brene Brown's work. Has anyone ever done Brene's Brown's work? Post a comment below or post a comment in the chat box because folks, men aren't intentionally wanting to be scared. This is oftentimes men who have had some severe trauma. And even I grew up in an average middle-class home and I had tons of trauma. I grew up in an average middle-class home. A lot of men and women grew up in just really, really fucked up dysfunctional homes. And even those idyllic homes, even the Ozzy and Harriet's of the world had traumas because a six-year-old child cannot understand why a mom might just once in her life reject their child, but that could mean everything to a child. And so I'm here to say, I want you all to reach deep into your heart and remember that starting with self, to have compassion for oneself, to love oneself. I'm loving myself and everyone else. I'm loving myself and everyone else. I'm loving myself and everyone else because you know what? There's been a lot of hurt people out there. And I know I've been even hurt by someone or more than someone in my past. And I forgive them because I've holding onto that in any negative pattern will only bring me more of the negativity I don't want. So I open myself up to love. I open myself up to love and I say I love myself and everyone else to make that vortex, that portal of love come into my heart more and more and more so that right, wonderful, juicy, delicious relationship enters my life because I've let go of the judgment, the comparisons, the shame, the guilt. And I embrace the empowerment of self love and loving everyone else. Are you with me? Are you with me? If you are, give me an amen. All right. I think you know why I shared what I did today about scared men. They don't mean to be hurt anyone. Most human beings don't mean to hurt anyone. In fact, most men are good people. They're just bad at this process because most humans don't have good relationship skills. And if you think you're good, then you're acting like you're better than everyone. Just remember we are all flawed human beings, myself included. All right, everyone. I think you get a gist of where I went with this one. I hope you found value in this. I hope I'm making a difference in your life. If I am, please let me know. Hit that like button, post a comment if you're watching the replay. And if you're still on the live stream, it's time for Q and A. And folks, by the way, how my Q and A works. First off, purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat today. If you've never purchased a Super Sticker Super Chat, there's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies go to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley, who passed away. That's a picture of Connor there. You know, that's how I picture him right now in heaven. I picture him free. I'm free from that song, The Who. I'm free. I was thinking about him earlier today. I was thinking about the phone call his mother gave me to tell me he had passed away. I was really in a lot of pain. And I share this with you because this pain in and of itself makes me scared to be in a relationship too. Because I put all my love into someone and they left. And I don't blame him or anything like that. It's just a reality. And so yes, I can be afraid of love for even that reason, not what my mom did to fuck me up, but all the other reasons. And many of you might feel the same way and I get it. So I invite you all to love that little kid inside of yourself that feels that fear. And remember, everybody's doing the best they can. So if you donate to the Super Chat or Super Fund in the chat box, I am getting ready to donate to the Insight seminars. I want you to Google InsightSeminars.org. It's a great organization. I'm gonna be donating some money to them with all the monies received today. Or if you wanna ask a question, you can post the question inside the Super Sticker Super Chat, or you can write the word question and post the question there after. That makes it easier for me to find in the chat box. And just as a reminder for those who are listening to the audio recording, you won't be able to see or hear this, okay? Oh, I can't reach the tissue. So let's look, let's go swim, man. Do you have any questions for me? Post the word question or purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. Rachel, oops, where did Rachel go? Okay, there we go. Question, as someone who attracts narcissists, how can we discern fear of love, narcissists, silent treatment? So I would ask yourself, why do you attract narcissists? Ask yourself that question first instead of how to discern them. How about asking, why would you choose men who are narcissists? Now, oftentimes it's been said that we attract who we are. So maybe there's an element inside of you that is narcissistic. I'm not suggesting that, I'm not saying that about you, I'm just suggesting you to look at it. I believe we choose unhealthy people in our lives for one reason, as a doorway to heal ourselves. When I wrote my book, what the heck is self love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help, and spiritual work, I meant it as a vaccination to emotional chaos. So I'm here to suggest is rather than focusing on discerning them, because it's almost impossible to do. It's almost impossible to do the first, second, or third, or fourth date. Unless you really grill them with the kind of questions I ask in my private coaching, I want you to ask yourself what healing inside of yourself needs to be done, because I know so many women who don't attract narcissists. So I invite you to ask what healing inside yourself needs to be done. Focus on that first. That's my invitation for you. Rachel, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, Pamela says, if we have done the work to stop to self development, and it's appropriate to share and set the stage of expectation in a relationship, wait, is it appropriate to share and set the stage of expectation in a relationship, or does that leave you too exposed and vulnerable? It's a two-way street. No, not at all. I'm very clear on the first or second date. I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, intimacy, both in our emotional and sexual intimacy that leads to either getting married or living together. That's my standard. It's just a standard. It's not an expectation. I expect you to live up to this. No, this is my standard. If you wanna jump on board, great. If you can't fit that standard, fine. I'll go find someone else who can fit that standard. It's not an expectation to express your standard out loud. It's only an expectation to someone who isn't ready for that standard. But who gives a fuck if they're not ready for it? Well, Jonathan, I have so much chemistry with them. I have so much chemistry. I have so much chemistry with them. Folks, if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, focus on this. Above, see the tip of the iceberg is chemistry. Above the water line is attraction. Below the water line is compatibility, which is shared values, blendable lifestyles, and emotional maturity. And as you start to check these boxes, the water line of attraction begins to, in other words, you expose more and more attraction with the person. Start with your fucking standards. It's not, that's not an expectation. That's a standard. It's only an expectation to the person who can't meet that standard. That's all. That's all. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Hit that like button. Let me know. All right, let's deep swim and thank you, Pamela. Carrie says, yes, hurting tonight. I love someone deeply and he doesn't see us as a match, his words. I think of the old saying, rejection is God's protection. I oftentimes, can we deeply love someone who doesn't love us back? Is that really deep love? Is that true love? I think we oftentimes, we misunderstand unhealthy attachment. Read the book attached by Amir Levine. Unhealthy attachment as love. Unhealthy attachment. Believe it or not, or by the way, or if you're not familiar with the work of the Harvelle Hendricks and Helen LaHunt, getting the love you want, understanding what's known as the Amago. Oftentimes we choose people like one or both of our parents really unhealthy behaviors from someone else because we're healing that childhood wound and trauma. So Carrie, I'm not so certain it's deep love. I know you feel it that way and I'm not discounting your feelings, but I'm wondering if it's really an unhealthy attachment that we disguise as love. Just an invitation for everyone watching. So, all right. Hey, Camille, thanks for the text message. All right. Oh, let's keep swimming. Colleen says, I love how you speak of Connor in your book. Thank you so much. My son, Connor. So I shared this a moment ago. You know, that phone call I received, the day he passed away. It was from his mom. She called to tell me that the paramedics were there and then later she called me 15 minutes later saying he passed. That cuts deep inside of me. No parent should ever have to lose a child. No parent should ever have to feel this kind of pain. It's not the order of things. And I'd lost my mom six months earlier. Talk about the woman who took care of me and then the child that my job was to protect him. My job was to protect him and I failed at that. Can you imagine the different wounds human beings feel in a variety of different ways of not measuring up, not being able to live up to all the fucking expectations that other human beings put on us? And sadly, this dating conversation, I'm sorry, men and women both are fucking brutal to one another, the amount of expectation and judgments. The stupid, stupid type of rules. I can't stand the book to rules because of all the stupidity because it lacks the most important quality in a relationship and that is heart. This is why I continually recommend the book if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated because it throws out that fucking stupid gender rhetoric and says, how can we connect at a heart-centered level? How can we start communicating with people from a heart-centered level instead of this bullshit way of people communicating these days? How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. I get messages from women on dating apps. I'm like, I'm sorry, but if that's the best you can do, I'm like, I'm already lost interest in women. You get the same bullshit from men. Someone writes you a message on a dating app high. Can't we go a little bit deeper than the fucking surface level? I made a commitment to myself in Connor when he passed away that I will not compromise or settle for mediocrity. This is why I love this meme. I'm going to share this with everyone right here. I hate small talk. I want to talk about Adam's death, alien sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of life, faraway galaxies, music that makes you feel different, memories, the lies you've told, your flaws, your favorite scent, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurity and fears. I like people with depth who speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don't want to know what the fuck is up. Folks, I invite you all to go deeper than you ever have before in your life, to go deeper within, to let go of the judgments, to let go of comparing yourself to other human beings that is so toxic to yourself. I'm asking you all to let go of victim consciousness. And here in the United States, we are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness. Everybody's a fucking victim. And you know how I know this? Because every woman I've asked about their past relationship, it was all about how shitty the guy was. You know, if you can't take ownership in your own life, then you're a fucking victim. And by the way, I hear this from women and you hear this from men. All they do is throw their ex-girlfriend or ex-spouse under the bus because they don't take fucking ownership in their life. So I'm here to say, you have a choice. The red pill or the blue pill, and I'm saying the red pill of self-love and compassion. And I'm only screaming because like a child that's about to touch fire, I don't want any of you to go down that rabbit hole of real dysfunctionality because we are swimming in a fucking sea of dysfunctionality, especially in the, and by the way, dating, dating highlights this like nobody's business. Relationships highlight this like nobody's business. And what's worse is we're meeting total strangers these days. So we can't feel that level of trust. It's hard to build trust. It requires being both mutually engaged. But Jonathan, I shouldn't go out with a guy who doesn't pay for my valet. I hear that and I go, you got to be fucking kidding me. This is an egoic way of living. Who the fucking cares who pays for a date and pays for the valet? That's ain't gonna matter if you can't connect it with each other's heart. If you want to connect with your heart, I highly recommend reading the book, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. Make sure this is in your fucking library because if you want to ever have a chance at a healthy, happy relationship, it starts with the healthy, happy relationship you have with yourself. I'm on a rant right now. Thank you, Connor. Thanks. By the way, that's my other son, Colin. He now lives just of 200 yards away from me. We hang out every game. We hang out almost every day. We do a jacuzzi almost every night. It's great to have my son with me. I'm so blessed. Folks, men and women alike are hurting on the inside. Let's stop. Let's have compassion instead of judgment. Let's have some compassion instead of shaming people. And let's stop with the bullshit rhetoric and say, how can I connect with this person from a heart-centered place instead of a place of expectation? It's my invitation. Is everyone with me? If you are, give me a name and or a thumbs up. Oh, I want to thank Roller Girl for the dollar, for dollar 99 for Connor. I appreciate that. Does Roller Girl have roller skates? Thank you so much. Jennifer says, I ask the universe to stop sending me lessons and pray to heal to attract higher vibration. That's the wrong question. Don't ask to stop. Ask for all the lessons you can get so you can heal because the universe doesn't hear the word stop. The universe says, I ask the universe to keep sending me lessons. So instead of asking because the universe doesn't hear stop, just say universe, give me all the lessons I need to heal. So I can be in that higher vibration to attract great partners. Can I get an amen? All right. Question, went on a date with a man who was married for 30 years, divorced for a year. Should I go on another date? Why should I? Do you really need to ask me that? Don't ask should. Ask yourself a question. Do you want to go out on another date with him? If the answer is yes, then go. Now, if you want to vet him to see if he's emotionally ready for a relationship, you better hire me. Check out the link to a discovery call with me because that's my area of expertise. Ah, but don't just do what? Go up, go, start, ladies, start learning how to tap into your intuition because your intuition is always guiding you. And if it turns out to even be a shit show with him, Cynthia, that's okay because that's a lesson. Everything is happening for you, not to you. So don't be afraid. And just like Trudy says, hey, Jonathan, have you ever heard fear, false evidence appearing real? Of course I have. Well, I shouldn't say of course. Yes, yes, yes, I have, Trudy. I like what Jeannie says. Relationships are like a laboratory. Lots of learning, Mary Ann Williamson. I love Mary Ann Williamson. If you want to read a great book, read Return to Love. This is the CD version. This is an amazing fucking book. Oh my God, game changing, life changing book. Every book I recommend is, by the way, in the back of my book, what the heck is self love anyway? I put together my recommended reading list study, recommended reading studies, teachers and workshops. And in there is, where is Mary Ann Williamson? Well, of course in Miracles, Mary Ann Williamson. Oh, Return to Love, Mary Ann Williamson right there. Return to Love. Great book, highly recommend it. Okay. KB says, how do you respond to a man who tells you he's scared of a serious relationship? Do you think this is ever a cop out so that they do not have to be accountable to someone? Absolutely it's a cop out. Here's the thing. Who cares? Choose the men who want to be in a relationship. When a man says that, say thank you, shake his hand and say I wish you well. But you want to really do a better job? You can figure all this out relatively quickly. You can figure out because you know what? The minute you set up your standards, the wrong guy is gonna run away. A wrong, you wanna overwhelm men. But Jonathan, every dating coach says don't do that. No, you want, by the way, if a guy is physically attracted to and wants to fuck you, you can overwhelm that motherfucker because the wrong guy is gonna disappear and the right guy is gonna stay. This is why, ladies, I'm hearing over and over and over again from all of you out there, you're emailing me saying Jonathan, I purchased the book Eight Dates before his penis ever got to go inside my vagina and we're reading it together. That's how you avoid the wrong person because you will scare the wrong person away. By the way, here's what this says. Jonathan, what do I always tell you before the penis goes inside the vagina, purchase the book Eight Dates? That's what it says. By the way, do you see that salty right there? That's Connor's nickname. Overwhelm men. And any man that gets pissed off at this, he's a guy that doesn't want a relationship because by the way, I have men following my channel now and they're all saying I'm following your advice, Jonathan, and I'm getting a better class of women. So this isn't bullshit. By the way, 97% of dating advice is geared to all the fucked up human beings out there. It's geared to the dysfunctional human beings. My advice is only for the three percenters, those people that want to do something different than the traditional narrative. I told you I'm a contrarian at the beginning of this broadcast, my advice is contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations. All right, thank you so much KB for that. All right, Liz, whatever your name is, sorry. Question, the guy I'm dating says I'm not looking for my next wife but he has conversations that talk about our life and the future. It seems like he goes back and forth a bit. What do you think? Well, ask him what commitment looks like to him. And if he's not looking for a wife, then what is he looking for? Because talking about you in the future, that's just fantasizing. Ask him what he really wants. What does commitment look like? And take away sex and you'll see how quickly he'll start to shape up. Believe it or not, you have a lot of power ladies, but you give your power away to men. Now I know sex shouldn't be used this way and I'm not suggesting sex is used this way. What I am suggesting is you have a lot more power than you give yourself credit to but you give your power away to men all the time. This is why I'm a big believer of the dating process being a two lane street and not expecting men to lead. You take charge of your part and he takes charge of his part. But Jonathan, every dating coach tells me to do it this way. Is it really working? By the way, 50% of divorces or marriages end up in divorce, 65% of second marriages end in divorce, 75% of third marriages end in divorce and everybody who is married right now, half of them are miserable. So it is dysfunctional. It's not about the initial stages. It's about the long term. It's about seeing it from the long game, not the short game. This is why I was pulled out this book earlier today by Sue Johnson called Hold Me Tight. Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Let me read you a couple of chapters, titles. A revolutionary new view on love. Where did our love go? Losing connection, emotional responsiveness, the key to a lifetime of love. Recognizing the demon dialogues, finding the raw spots, revisiting the rocky moments, forgiving injuries, bonding through sex and touch, keeping your love alive, healing traumatic wounds and the ultimate connection, love as the final frontier. Check out this book. Sue Johnson's work is brilliant. And if you can go to one of her workshops, oh my fucking God, that's a game changer. Folks, my desire when I meet my misright is that we do regular workshops together. There are tons of couples workshops to learn how to communicate together better, to learn how to bond with one another, to feel that sense of intimacy. Because as I said before, there's so many people living in that intimate, intimacy famine. By the way, this is what is going to make your relationship strong is when you're working together, you either are, listen, you either get busy living or get busy dying. By the way, if you can guess the quote to that, I'll send you a free gift later. If you send me your email as well. Get busy living or get busy dying. Either get busy choosing a relationship you're going to grow with or choose a relationship you're going to spend time with. And those relationships are called casual relationships, situationships, friends with benefits or worse friends with benefits you don't know about. Thank you for letting me rant again. Hey, purchase a super sticker, super chat to allow me to donate. Oh, there we go, Lynn. Thank you so much for the $4 super sticker. I really appreciate that. All right, where's Doug tonight? We need a guy in the room. Thank you, I agree. A question from Carrie. What do you do? What, anyways, what do you do when a man you love says we are not a match and still wants to go out dancing? That's how we met. We don't go out dancing as, what do you want to do, Carrie? I get it, you love him, but what do you want to do? Start, by the way, folks, I know you appreciate my advice and I get it, but start with asking yourself first. This is, if you want to be an adult in relationship, then ask yourself, what do you want to do first? That's the invitation I invite you all to start looking at. All right, Leif says, Gail them, amen. All right, Gail Lynn, thank you for the $5 super sticker. Oh, Connor, yay, we're gonna donate some money soon. I'm excited, I'm excited, I'm excited. All right, projection is God's protection, I get it. Wow, we have a lot of comments, that was a while back, okay. Oh, let's go swim in, amen. Pamela, compassion, yes, new haircut. By the way, folks, I do not color my hair. There is some gray in there. I do not color my hair, I don't know why ever, you know what, asking me, why do I color my hair is like going to a woman who's got a little pudgy belly saying, when are you expecting when she's not pregnant? That's what it feels like when you say, why do you color my hair? I don't color my hair. We got a lot of amens. Colleen says, I love return to love, I do too. Nancy says, do not feel guilty, Jonathan. Sometimes we cannot control even our own people. I know, but I still feel I didn't do a good job as a parent. All right, Pamela, you got it right, Shawshank Redemption, send me your email, you're gonna get a gift. All right, let's see what else we have. Oh, KB sent another super sticker. You guys are so generous, Connor's gonna be so excited. Jill says, I love your hair color, thank you so much. And Roller Girl says, I wish I didn't have to color my hair. I thank my mommy and daddy for that. They did all the work. And yes, I am Turkish, I am Turkish. So question, my boyfriend never sticks to his word about when we get engaged. How do I relax and just let it happen? It's an interesting question. How long have you two been dating? How come you don't get a ring and ask him to marry you? Why not? Why aren't women asking men to marry? What would happen? By the way, play with me for a second here. Because here's the thing, it used to be men had to ask a woman marry because that was an agreement I will take care of you financially. But given that most women can take care of themselves, then why can't women ask men? I'm just asking, I'm not saying I have an answer, but why can't you? You'll actually, here's the thing, if you pulled out a ring and asked him, how would he respond? Because then you'll actually be dealing with the true person in that moment. Now, I'm not suggesting this on the first, second, or third date, but if you've gotten to a point of real love for one another, then why, I'm just asking, why aren't women asking men? That's all. I wanna thank Emily for the super sticker. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. All right, let's see what else we got. Let's go swimming. Okay, let's go swimming. Lynn says, question, how soon do you recommend to ask the question about relationship, word, or commitment? Date one, date two, date three, give them a little time, more than an hour to feel more comfy. You know what I like to do? I like to do all my grilling on the telephone before the first date. That's what I like to do it. Cause you're not invested at that point. There's still a stranger. I like to ask the question, what are you looking for in a committed relationship? What does a commitment look like for you? That's the time to ask. And then before that penis ever goes inside the vagina, here's a great way, read this book together. That's a great way to actually get to determine if you're a good fit for one another. But I would add, I do a lot of grilling before the first date. That way you get, by the way, you can, by the way, if I did this 15 years ago, I would have saved myself probably 50 first dates that never went anywhere and probably five or 10 grand of money that didn't need to be spent. I could have put that in my college fund for my son. So ask better questions right before you meet. That's my invitation for you all. All right. Hey, okay, I'm gonna save the last few minutes. Here, Lynn says, I like the phone idea. By the way, if you have a personal question to ask of me, in other words, you have a question to ask of me. If you have a question to ask me, write the word personal question and then ask me any question. I'm gonna save the last few minutes for any questions you wanna ask me about Jonathan Asley. Let's have some fun. You can ask me what my favorite color is. It's blue. You can ask me how tall I am. I'm six foot two. Ask me my weight. I'm 204. I feel better at 197. That damn COVID put on a few extra pounds. What questions do you have of me? Write the word personal question and then post the question there after. I'm gonna leave. Do I color my hair? No. All right. Let's see what we got here. You got a personal question to ask me. We're gonna save the last few minutes for that. I love this question. Personal question. What's your favorite 80s song? It goes like this. Ba-da-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum. Sometimes I feel lost and lonely. Then you find it's all been in your mind. My favorite song of all time is You Can't Get What You Want Until You Know What You Want by Joe Jackson. You Can't Get What You Want Until You Know What You Want by Joe Jackson. My favorite all time song. I love a lot of 80s music. I love Friday I'm in Love. I love that song by Level 42. Something About You. I love that song. So great question. Thank you so much. Personal question. What age range do you date? Adult till death. No. I typically somewhere between 10 years younger than me and about my own age. I'm not going to tell you my age, but somewhere. My ego likes to date someone 10 years younger than me or close to my own age. That's my truth. Are you up to date on Speaking Turkish? Benim tüksü çök finna fakat ben an yorum which basically said my Turkish is terrible but I understand a little bit. All right. Personal question. What's your idea of a romantic date? OK, let me think about this for a second. My oxygen is my oxygen is. I'm a sapio sexual. I love to talk about ideas. I love to talk about human behavior. But my idea of a romantic date, not on the first, second, or third date, but remember once we went to a resort, I went on a date at a resort and I got, we had cocktails at the bar, really fancy place. I went outside and smoked a cigar. I rarely, I don't do that much anymore. But we just had this fun, just sitting out by the balcony watching the sunset, having a good time. I mean, I don't know. I don't think about romance because I just believe if I do, if I'm conscientious, that's romantic enough. In other words, if I am paying attention to how she's feeling, that to me is romance. When someone can, romance to me is someone who can see into my soul and I can see into their soul and say, you're a beautiful human being. Anyway, thank you so much for that question. I appreciate it. I'm a Leo who loves Bluetooth. Hey, Stephanie. My favorite, I was in love with Stephanie Powers on the TV show Heart to Heart with Robert Wagner. Kerry says, I know that's why I asked. Thank you so much. Diane says, I love Joe Jackson. By the way, how was my rendition of it? OK. So why are you single single and have you ever dated someone you coached? So I can't stand the question anybody asked of anybody. Why are you still single? Because that implies that there's something wrong with them. I was in a significant relationship that ended four years ago. And then shortly after a year later, my mom passed away. And then a year after that, I mean, six months later, my son passed away. And then six months after that, my father moved to Turkey. My business tanked. I didn't feel like dating. And then that fucking COVID hit the next year. So and frankly, very few women excite me. I'll be candid with you. Very few women. Actually, I'm sad to say a lot of women. And I do my best to pre-qualify in advance. They're so bombarded by men that they oftentimes are clouded in their own garbage. And they're not opening up their heart the way I open up my heart from the very first time I meet someone. But here's the thing. God, universe, spirit, I believe in divine timing. And I know you know that I am ready to love. And I know you know that I've opened myself up. And when that right person, where we have mutual chemistry, where our communication can go on for hours and hours at a time, where we can blend lives together, where we feel a sense of values together, and more importantly, we can build that level of trust and fuck our brains out every day. I know you will bring that person to me. That's my prayer. Thank you so much for that question. And then what was the second part? I don't believe I've dated anyone I've coached. Nope. I've spent time with women that I've coached on a friendship level, but I haven't dated anyone I've coached. I make it a point not to. All right. Let's see. How long have I been single? It depends. For 18 years, I was single from the time I was born. Then I had a relationship and I was single again. I had another relationship, I was single again. I got married and I was single again. I don't know, cumulatively, 20 or 30 years. Let's see. How has Colin living near you changed your life so far? It's only been a week, but boy, it's a blessing. So thank you for that question. You know what, folks? Wow. Listen, I hope I brought value. Do I bring, have I made a difference in your life? This broadcast, I know we went personal a bit towards the end, but have I made you make a choice to shift to personal development? Have I helped you choose to do self-help and spiritual work as a way, as a vaccination, emotional chaos? Are you going to be more compassionate with men? Are you going to understand that most men are good people? They're just bad daters? Are you gonna make that shift to compassion, to understanding, to love? Because the more you do that, the more you become a vortex for love in your life. And that's my invitation for you. And I want you to end on this final note. It is raining good men. It is raining good men. It is raining good men and women. It's raining good women. It's raining good women. It's raining good women. Just like that song, Raining Men, I just add the caveat, good. And just embrace that. Will you do that for me today? Will you say tonight when you go to bed, God, universe, spirit, Gus, it's raining good men. And I am grateful for all the blessings you brought into my life. And I am truly grateful for all of the wonderful experiences because nothing has caused me to be a victim. I am in my empowerment. I am in my power and I will not give my power away to anyone because I love myself and I love everyone else. And I invite you all to embrace that in your life. Will you do that for me? Say yes, amen. Yes, amen. Yes, amen. Yes, amen. Oops, little pit stains there. All right, I think this will be a good place to wrap up for today. If you like to follow my work, check out the link to a free discovery called, check out my book called, What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway, check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery if you can't afford coaching. Check out my Instagram account listed below. And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off, giving myself a big, gigantic, Johnthameric of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a Pat, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Teresa and Nancy and Lynn and Carrie and Lisa and Roller Girl and Dee Dee and Sandra. Hey Sandra, Carrie, Mary Ann, Susan, Vicki, I probably Sherry, Lisa, Sunflower, Stephanie, Kelly, everyone, thank you so much. Wishing you a fabulous weekend. Bye-bye now. And thank you for all the love. You guys are the best. Thank you so much. You ladies are the best. Thank you.