 Item number SCP-999-J Object Class Keter Special Containment Procedures SCP-999-J is currently uncontainable, but if anyone figures out how to contain the bastard, they better fucking tell O5-██ right now. Seriously people, ASAP. Description SCP-999-J is an overweight, Caucasian balding male devoid of all clothing beyond that of a Speedo brand pair of swim briefs, hence forced to be referred to as SCP-999-J-1. SCP-999-J is capable of teleporting onto any bed, although it appears he prefers him to be occupied. He will lie there and breathe heavily with his mouth open until the subject awakens, at which point he'll look at the subject and then slowly reach his hand on the SCP-999-J-1. SCP-999-J will then pull out some form of non-anomalous object, most commonly a can of surge or a generic trading card. SCP-999-J typically appears during periods of intense self-gratification, sleep, copulation between couples, and after urination. Addendum 999-J-1 D-5638 was planted in a bedroom with a microphone attached. The SCP-999-J appeared approximately two hours in the D-5638 sleep cycle. The following audio was recorded. Addendum 999-J-2 Incident 999-J-5 On SCP-999-J teleported into the room of a couple in the midst of sexual intercourse. He asked them to continue an offer to watch. SCP-999-J proceeded to spend 9 minutes searching through SCP-999-J-1. He found a lone Cheeto and consumed it. SCP-999-J reported the Cheeto to be slightly chewy in nature, but reassured the couple that he was accustomed and partial to the taste. SCP-999-J later expressed approval for specific actions performed by the subject couple on multiple occasions. Addendum 999-J-3 Various reports of SCP-999-J Aida Jara pickled over a sleeping man for over two hours. When the subject woke up, he dropped a pickle in his chest hair and proceeded to spend four minutes untangling it. Appeared in bed while the subject was watching television and pulled out a camcorder from SCP-999-J-1. SCP-999-J proceeded to record a television show. When asked why, SCP-999-J reported, it's cheaper this way. SCP-999-J confirmed to have sick air guitar skills. Reports his favorite band is Metallica. Found crying. When questioned, SCP-999-J said, Firefly is cancelled. SCP-105-L was rejected. Removed SCP-999-J-1 in front of a 12-year-old girl, underneath with another instance of SCP-999-J-1. Farted, blamed the dog, observed and gorging himself on over 10 instances of SCP-1162-J. Addendum 999-J-4 SCP-999-J was confronted by Dr. ██████ over his claims of being in a band. I am too in a band. Oh yeah? What's it called? Darkness Dick Supreme. That doesn't sound real. Your mom doesn't sound real. Addendum 999-J-5. What the fuck is this? O5.