 All right, hello everyone. Give me a little note if you can see and hear me Hello, can everybody see and hear me? Okay, awesome Alice and Stephanie. Thank you. All right. We are ready to get started Thanks for bearing with us as we switch rooms and move into the next presentation So I'm very excited to introduce our next speaker Miss Marta Pelaez the president and CEO of family violence prevention services She has a master's in psychology and she's dedicated more than two decades To serving vulnerable populations Mostly children and so she's here to speak with us about violence prevention Which as we've been hearing lately in the news is on the rise here and with our families in San Antonio So excellent timing. We're glad for you to be here and just a reminder to our audience You're welcome to ask a question find that little link at the bottom right Ask the questions throughout the presentation at the end. I'll collect them and Marta will be able to respond to those at the end All right Here you are Martha Thank you very much. Good morning, everybody. I hope that everybody is doing well and in good health I want to begin by sending my thoughts and prayers to the families who have lost family members to COVID-19 So these are difficult days for everybody Much more so for those families. So my thoughts go to them The topic of the day is domestic violence and I will first of all define domestic violence for you all Then I will go through what resources are available in our community for victims of domestic violence adult and children So to begin with the definition domestic violence is a progressive pattern of Behaviors where one of the members in that relationship is controlling the other one through psychological emotional physical sexual financial means I Just want all of us to be on the same page with the definition and the two key words on that definition are pattern and progressive Domestic violence does not begin with someone putting a gun to her head Domestic violence begins with subtle controlling behaviors And there is at the beginning a lot of confusion on the part of the victim There is a lot of adjustment and accommodation to the new person. She may be Wanting to please at all times without actually having lost much of her self-esteem, but as it progresses That the the victim in order to deal with her situation begins to unfortunately deny I Frequently say that the best friend of the batter of the abuser is The denial of the victim so again the two key words in that definition are Progressive and a pattern Many times you will see in the news There was a dispute between two people and then Later on in the article they will refer to domestic violence Well, is it a dispute or is it domestic violence because a dispute in the street? May not necessarily be domestic violence Generally the domestic violence happens behind closed doors In the intimacy of a home where the victim finds herself Trapped and Capable of doing anything else but taking it so that it's some of the striking differences between a Dispute that can happen between two people that do not have a relationship between Themselves and domestic violence So now that I have defined domestic violence I am going to very quickly because of the circumstances in which we find ourselves I'm going to refer to today. What is happening at the better women and children's shelter? We are we have opened our doors Since 1943 and ever since that day. We have never closed. We provide services 24 hours a day 7 days a week all days of the year Especially at this time when we know and there are projections that Estimate that domestic violence will increase during these days and some of those facts are realized already We are open and ready and embracing anyone that comes through our doors Of course, we are taking certain measures like taking temperatures of those that come Into the shelter and We also take temperatures temperatures to the in to the population that is residing at the shelter We're asking some questions related to the health of those that are coming in and if someone is Showing some signs of discomfort cold like symptoms We will escort them to a holding room and we will offer quarantine there until and if the The symptoms do not progress to more severe We would call an ambulance and that person or family would be escorted to the hospital So that is what we are doing. We have been very fortunate that nothing has happened No one has shown any symptoms. So If you are in touch with any of those victims that may need the services of the shelter Please please please come in at this point. I think I should give that Hotline number. It's two one zero seven three three eight eight One zero if anyone wants to come in Now Family violence prevention services. We are a private nonprofit umbrella organization under which several programs reside One of those programs is our residential Emergency shelter program the battered women and children's shelter. We also have housing available for the victims that Go through the emergency program and they need housing Let me remind everybody that the population at the shelter are categorized as homeless unfortunately Fault of know not not the victim the victim is not at fault here She loses her home her home. In fact was probably not a home But just a house Where awful things were happening Other programs of the agency include non-residential services not everybody is appropriate for the shelter Not everybody wants to come to the shelter Some people just want the violence to stop and so for them Counseling is available for adults and for children also These services are available if you call the same number you can find those services you will be referred to those services We have an array of Programs to help victims of domestic violence one very interesting program that we have is Batters intervention prevention program you may have heard about those There are just a few perhaps two is possible that there are only three Not more than that accredited programs to deliver intervention to the perpetrators It is a lengthy program. It is a lengthy intervention It has very little to do with anger management So if you ever hear the word anger management as an Intervention indicated for domestic violence after this presentation you will be informed and you will be able to contradict and Educate that person who says anger management in the same breath With domestic violence why because anger management focuses on the environment so A perpetrator may say well, I just lost it. I am so sorry. I don't mean to hear here, but she I lost my job today and as you can imagine that's a very stressful situation So I just lost it With the batter's intervention program the locus of control is internal meaning Even if you lost your job Even you if you are under a stressful situation Even if the children are crying endlessly Even if the environment is not the most conducive to calm it is still your responsibility to Lift the hand or not lift the hand and hit someone that you claim to love So that is the striking difference. So it is accountability and Responsibility to self to the victims and to the community About the community, let me just say that I envision domestic violence as Being at the very center of the community it is not a linear Spectrum of social problems I find it to be the most impactful issue in a community Such that and allow me to be utopic for a few minutes if we could remove Domestic violence from a community Many other issues would finally find some resolution Some of those and this is the intersectionality of domestic violence Directly related to child abuse Teen pregnancy human trafficking the high number of incarcerated individuals low birth weight The family is the most important Social cell in a community if the family is not doing well The community is not doing well Inversely if the family is doing well The community is in good health So who is this woman that comes to the show or men? We also shelter men but because the majority of the victims are Women I will continue to speak as if Women are the only victims So who is this woman? She comes to the shelter perhaps Mm-hmm to one in the morning typically on a Saturday night She has three children literally clinging by her leg She may have a six months old in her arms barely in diapers And she is perhaps wearing a bloody blouse or nightgown If she brings anything it typically is a black garbage bag Where she is carrying all of her possessions Everything that she thought she would need She puts in a in a garbage bag and comes that way to the shelter We hope that what isn't there are Identification papers birth certificates passports those kinds of important papers sometimes all she brings is The Antibiotic that she was giving the baby because the baby has been ill in the last days and she has that in her purse So not even the black garbage bag She comes in there is an intake that is done and If she comes during the day a Staff of the children's department comes and takes the children perhaps to the cafeteria play perhaps to the playground if they want to and if the mother wants to wants that to happen after the intake they are escorted to the cafeteria and A meal is served many times many times They arrive without having had a meal So usually that is what happens and then they're taken to the room and things begin to happen case management legal services Counseling a school on site a clinic on site. Those are some of the resources and services that we have The better women and children shelter was not always The better women and children shelter. In fact, the name was better women's shelter. I Found it necessary to add the word children because of the impact that domestic abuse brings on to the children in Fact the majority of the people we helped last year 60,000 individuals agency-wide The majority of those 60,000 people were children when children are in the presence of Domestic violence, even if they are not directly touched by the abuser they are critically impacted psychologically impacted children are taught from birth That the most important person is the father Or the most important male in their lives is that father They need to be like their father and fact you will hear many children if not the majority to say that they want to be like their daddy They need to they take model after the father Imagine the Cognitive dissonance and the psychological impact on that child when That person that society is telling him or her to emulate is the same person who is Beating the most important human being in their lives their mother and perhaps even Hitting them the children So for that very reason we thought that it was necessary to provide services specifically to the children counseling services for the children so when a Mother arrives at the shelter the children also go through a sort of fun intake and Patiently they establish a relationship with a counselor without ever knowing the children that it is a counselor There is game. There are activities. There is school and Many times for all of those activities a counselor is accompanying the children It is very important to understand that perpetrators of abuse The majority of them Say that they were abused our children as as children Domestic violence is a generational factor It they learn it from the father who learned it from his father who learned it from his father and so on the history of domestic violence is Very rich and robust in examples 753 BC the founder of Rome Remulus declared that a standard of Battering needed to be created and he determined that a wife Had to be beaten with a rod No larger in circumference than the width of his right thumb that became the rule of thumb that made it into The patriarchal law that later reached our coasts and that became the universal standard So patriarchal entitlement is at the very center of Abusing and it is one of the guidelines and one of the topics that is dealt with at batters intervention programs It is not about men bashing It is not about taking a position against men. I am the mother of sons I am married to a respectful husband However, we have to be very conscientious of what goes on around us culturally And everywhere where there is patriarchal entitlement Domestic violence is on the part of the perpetrator is not about demanding respect It's about giving respect so he can expect respect back So you give it You can expect it. It's not about demanding it a Little more about History I Find it a curious Entry in in history in 1871 Alabama became the first state to declare illegal to beat the wife 1871 I found that curious that it happened in Alabama but that law very quickly was Circumstantied by another law that was called the stitch law the stitch law said in spite of of that initial law having Prohibited a man to beat his wife, but the stitch law superseded that one and it said that Domestic violence law would not be applied unless the victim needed stitches So some of you healthcare workers would Understand and sympathize with There there was another historical entry in Let's see that was in 18 in 1974 and 1974 and I have to read this because I'm going to quote There was it emerged that the curtain law emerged Where in North Carolina Supreme Court? Declare that and I'm quoting here if no permanent injury has been inflicted nor malice Cruelty nor dangerous violence shown by the husband. It is better to draw the curtain shout out the public gaze and leave the parties to forget and forgive That became the curtain law so We arrived today And that I mean for some of us that isn't too far too far away, but We arrived today at a very robust Group of laws to protect victims however Sometimes I feel that we are not ahead, but we are just following the problem It wasn't about six years ago I believe six or five years ago that Strangulation became a felony Where it was only a misdemeanor in cases of domestic violence I I find that appalling that only five or six years ago That was the case At this point I want to Make sure that what I bring to you Has relevance to each and every one of the attendants So I will welcome your your questions and while those questions are being posted. Let me give you A few statistics again. I said before Two-thirds of the population are children So the majority of the victims of domestic violence are not women by far they're not men But they are children That perpetuates the generation of violence Because if you have a little boy in your house and there is domestic violence and he is watching what is happening and no intervention is Applied that little boy by the age of 15 16 If not earlier will be displaying With a little girl that he may be dating Some of the skills that he learned from the father if a little girl isn't the same house She will probably be taking the cues from the mother submissive subservient Minimizing And she will grow up and at 15 16 when she's interested in that boy on the other side She will probably go for the boy who is very assertive as she thinks that is aggressive strong even jealous and There you have it the next generation of victim and abuser are ready to Go at it again in the next generation So I see that some people are Asking some questions. So if if I may have some of those read I'll be very happy to answer Perfect timing. We have about just about 15 minutes left. So this is great. Okay, so let me start with our first question and This person asked with all due respect why women only Men also suffer fine family violence and our shelters for males also Absolutely as I said before We shelter men, of course It is not in the same place as women but we Occasionally have a father that comes with the children and we provide services the very same Services that we provide the women Beginning with legal services We have four attorneys and the staff two paralegals one legal advocate Providing legal services to all men and women who come to us We good and How long do women or families tend to stay at the shelter I Love that question because it is not a short answer, but I will try to summarize Imagine the woman that comes she is probably 32 years old. She has some college to her name She has no children She has researched some of the of her rights as a victim of domestic violence And she comes because she wants the safety of the place Well, her Decreed divorce decree is finalized She has a good support system in let's say Some some other city in another state and so maybe four weeks later Once that divorce decree is finalized She is Transported we give the transportation and she goes and joins her family support system Compare that So I said that's perhaps four weeks five weeks at most Compare that person with the mother of three teenagers Expecting six months pregnant Who was just released by the hospital? The husband butchered her hands 21 times in the presence of the children because She was for the longest time Collecting coins and dollar bills that he left around to put herself through Cosmetology school she was practicing and I'm thinking as you can derive from from from the story I'm thinking of a real case She was cutting Her friend's hair in another friend's garage on a Saturday morning When he had to go to work and she knew that he was out But for some reason he came back Unexpectedly and found her cutting the hair of friends dragged her by the hair into the house Throw her on the bed and proceeded to Cut her hands and I said butcher because there was severe nerve damage As I said she was released by the hospital to us That woman stayed with us for two years We intervened the children I think longer than that if I recall That is the perfect example of generation of violence the 17 year old was not found But after a few days he was hiding in the bushes with the very knife that the father used to to to to butcher her mother his mother and He was waiting for the father to come around so he could do the same to him so That is another example of Generation of violence so again between the woman who stayed at the shelter for five weeks under her divorce decree Compared to the woman that say who stayed with us for two years, so it's anywhere in between Services need to be comprehensive. They cannot be a band-aid approach We need to make sure that we solve and we Bring respite to the emotional being of the victims and To the self sufficiency the self-esteem we need to elevate them so that they believe That they can go on independent without having to have an abuser by their side That was a long answer, but I just wanted to to say that very good. Thank you Our next question is asking if you can clarify what cognitive dissonance means in this situation sure When you're seeing something that doesn't quite quite coincide with what you know if you know Cognitively you've been taught that your father is the best the most and the person to emulate and To imitate to take model from but on the other the reality your eyes are seeing this father Quite frequently Ms. Street your mother beat her Errowed her self-esteem scream at her kick her throw things around so that's what I mean by Disannounced there is a disconnect between what you're being told and what you're seeing Thank you and our final question here is Do you believe the numbers for domestic violence and men is low because they don't report it due to pride? That is Absolutely the case. I still think that there would be a majority of women. However Men are socialized from birth to hide their emotions and To feel embarrassed if emotions surface Men are not supposed to cry. Come on. You're crying like a little girl Come on, you know, they parents will say to the little boy. Why are you crying? You just look like your sister They are socialized to appear strong And to find strength in not showing emotion, which is Not true as men that may be hearing me. No Emotions are a natural response to Stimuli on the outside if you feel like crying men you should cry. That's why you have lacrimal glands Tears in your eyes. They need to be shed and boys need to express themselves in however way Emotionally they choose to Thank you so much and Thank you so much Marta for being here today I know this was some great information for all of us super timely and relevant and just such a Wonderful experience to hear you speak so if our CHWs are looking for resources or to make referrals to the shelter or To the violence prevention services. What's the best way that they can do that? I'm sorry again. My my my thing was going tick tick tick tick while you were talking I couldn't hear that Yes, no problem if our CHWs are looking to make referrals or find out more information about the shelter or Violence prevention services. What's the best way for them to go about that? Absolutely? You can go into our website www.fvps.org That stands for family violence prevention services fvps.org or Call the hotline to 10 733 8 8 1 Zero all services are free of charge with the exception of the batters intervention program Why because it is a? symbolic Ask that they pay $25 per session so that they get the feel of what it takes to mend the lives that they have hurt Very good. Thank you so much And we will share the contact information for the center and our follow-up email with all of our guests today Thank you so much. Any final words you'd like to say before we close out? Again two-thirds of the population are children 80% of homelessness is directly related to domestic violence I just thought that that statistic is quite striking and very important to remember Thank you so much. All right, everybody Let's give miss Marta a virtual round of applause in our chat if we can I will go ahead and post information on how to move into our next room in the chat bar. So look for that in just a moment