 Welcome back to the 21 convention 10-year anniversary special event in Orlando, Florida Our next speaker has been recommended to me many many many times over Which as you guys can imagine is not unusual for me to be recommended a speaker Over the past months and in years. I've paid attention to his name being sent my way many many times For many different people many different men Alumni speakers friends investors all kinds of people And I pay attention that over time both the relationship from the person sending me the recommendation as well as the frequency I Mentioned this because I don't know if I've been recommended a speaker more times in this guy from more people across a wider diversity of Really in our relationships to me and just again and again and again So I think it's about damn time. We had Johnny support on the stage without further ado. Give it up for Johnny support Thanks, sir Thank you very very much. Appreciate it. Thanks folks. It's a pleasure to be here. I'm I'm very happy that the time was Was available and I get to address you folks and share some of the things that I think are pretty important some of them are going to be Completely congruent and onside with a lot of other things that other people have said and some things are gonna seem To fly directly in the face of some of the things that you've heard from other people here I'm not going to tell you that my answers are more correct than anyone else's I'm going to let you figure out what makes sense for you and build from that I'm not in the business of Reshaping people over in my image. I have no interest in that at all. In fact, I often say that my job is I get to Make friends for a living People show up at my door because they're not happy enough in their life Despite the fact they may be tremendous business successes. They may be highly credible in lots of ways They may have all of the trappings of success They generally are not happy with themselves for one or another reason or sometimes. They're not happy with other people Specifically, they're not happy with women for instance or whichever My job is to take them as though they were some assembly required and help them unbuild themselves So that they can figure out better ways to reassemble and become more the person that they'd like to be the person They have the potential to be And the person that they're most happy being Because the end of every day You're winning the game of life When you're simultaneously happy and Satisfied self-satisfaction is tremendously underrated in the world. Most people think of a person as being successful if other people think they've gained notoriety and celebrity and wealth and power and They rarely think that the person is not actually successful If they feel crappy about themselves and they aren't enjoying their life We talk about the trappings of success These are the expensive condo the expensive car the expensive girlfriend the things that other people admire and say, ooh I wish I could have that But those things are very high maintenance and anyone who wants to have these things has to understand that they become Constrained by the existence of these things Wow, I'll no longer have my identity if I quit my crappy job, which I hate which I do 70 hours a week So I can afford to have the trappings of success. I Can't allow myself to lose all these things that buoy me up and make me seem important to other people Because if I don't seem important to other people, what good am I? We call that narcissistic personality disorder in the psychology world And in fact an awful lot of people particularly people in the men's personal development circles have tended to become trapped on the endless trend of treadmill of Thinking of themselves as pickup artists I became very famous in the community in 2006 or 2007 I think it was when I got on stage in my mind a pickup artist is semantically equivalent to a con artist only working in the arena of the sexual predator Why do I say this because a pickup artist goes out to meet women To present himself to women as though he was something highly desirable and something that women would want Suggesting that he's going to be the kind of guy who's going to be there for them And then as soon as he gets what he's after he disappears Well, that's a con artist Right So that bothered me a lot because I understand I still understand that what women want least of all thing that no Healthy person never really wants is to end up feeling used You spend a bunch of money and time and energy and effort on impressing a girl and taking her out treating her really nicely And she says I think we should just be friends and you go oh And you feel used to get angry and you feel abused Well, simultaneously if a girl goes to bed with you because she likes you She thinks you're a cool guy. She likes you but you walk. She likes you since you're humor And she goes to bed with you and you think oh wow She was too easy So you don't follow up with her She feels used So if you wonder why it is women play games play hard to get It's because we have trained them That if they allow us to know they like us who we are Because none of us have been raised to think we're any damn good at all We're gonna condemn them for their low standards And won't hang around I call this Marx's paradox named for the brilliant American philosopher groucho Marx Who said I? Never belonged to a club that would have a guy like me as a member Not any of you have ever thought I'd never worked for a boss stupid enough to hire me I wouldn't have a friend was just lousy judgment. Is that me as a friend? Because you like yourself you think you're any good But for some reason we've all been trained if a girl likes us for how we actually are Instead of her how we can appear when we put ourselves on our best behavior clean our home exactly right Take her out to an expensive place do all sorts of things to big ourselves up Maybe even bullshit her like crazy about how great we are Unless we do that if she likes us There's gonna be something wrong with her How could that she likes me for who I am oh god if she'd fuck me she'd fuck anybody Because somehow we forget that the people we are the results of all of the decisions we've made through our lives All of the things we've learned through trial and error all of the mistakes even the ones we hide from ourselves That we carefully act not to repeat All of the shit we have generated most of which we tend to carry with us because we're so embarrassed about the mistakes We've made we won't revisit them Digest them and then leave them at the side of the road. So we carry them with us and it makes a terrible cologne Okay, as we try and hide from ourselves our previous mistakes Because only when you accept and acknowledge your mistakes So you're ever likely to stop making them because you recognize what you've done that didn't work I'm not going to do that again and usually by the second or third time. We actually do stop making those same mistakes So if a woman meets you and she likes you for who you are She's Attentive and sensitive and able to recognize that you're a quality person based on the things that she's interested in She cares about in the moment. She's having a good time with you She may not be thinking well, I want to have this guy's babies. She might be thinking I'd like to have emotions the truth is Accepting that women are rational reasonable people who want essentially exactly the same thing we do which is a good time Without its costing us on a primal level We want to enjoy ourselves and feel respected and appreciated not condemned Not that a reputation is damaged Not that future people won't want anything to do with us because we've clearly devalued ourselves They want the same thing do we want they want to have a good time. They want to enjoy themselves They want to have sex for fun Without it's hurting them. Now as soon as you make peace with this Then you can start presenting it to women that you understand and appreciate it There are two questions. I'm asked by women more often than any other questions I'm asked them almost by every woman I meet at some point during the time. We're talking and the two questions are Why aren't more men like you and my answer uniformly 100% of the time is I'm working on it and That's what I'm working on I don't want you to be like me across the board But I'd very much like for you to be like me and that you are self-accepting and You recognize that other people's appreciating you for who you are Means they're better people than the ones who can't appreciate you for who you are The second question I'm asked by almost every girl I start to get to know is Why me? Why me you could clearly have any girl in this place? And I find that very funny Because while I know they're right To the standard person looking at me from outside. I don't look like much. I'm heavy. I'm balding. I'm old I'm furry in ways that maybe are not desirable. I've got almost a full head of hair on my shoulders one day I'll do doing a comb over I'm sure and yet Women never give a crap about what I look like as long as I look like I meant to look like that Long as you don't smell bad and you look like you meant to look the way you do Women are incredibly forgiving. It doesn't matter if You've got an issue. I have a simple rule about this if you can't fix it feature it I'm very ADD Scatter-brained as could be I make sure everyone knows this up front this way They don't think that I am being disrespectful or an attentive. I'm just a flake In fact, I was gonna tell you oh look. There's a squirrel. No, so On the more serious side of things We as men Have bought into a whole bunch of crappy crappy programming As as Alan said yesterday Social programming we have a bunch of rules that we accept things that we know are true We know for example that there's no pride in hooking up with a girl that other men call a slut This is of course insane Slut is a null word. It only exists to cause pain When a man calls a woman a slut it means She's having more sex than I would like for her to be having your wife's fucking the gardener and not you She's only having sex with one person, but that's still one more person than you'd like. She's a slut Wait Sally you're telling me you want to go out with Sally. I heard that she had sex with Bill and George last year She's a slut Now why do I say this about Sally because she wouldn't go to bed with me And I don't want you going to bed with her that would shame me even worse So I'm gonna try and scare you off So that I don't have to deal with one of my friends getting what I couldn't get So when a man calls a woman a slut or the woman it means Well, she's not gonna like that guy anymore And it does suggest that other men might imagine that there's some reality to this And therefore they'll lose interest in her or they'll think they can get something from her without having to provide anything In other words are gonna feel they can use her and this doesn't make anyone feel good The belief that other people are going to try and take advantage of them It's a crappy feeling and terrible situation, but it's really not that important when a woman is called a slut by a man It's when a woman is called a slut by an other woman That it's a big deal them's fighting words Because when a woman refers to an other woman as a slut, she's actually saying you're a traitor to your gender You're a scab to the union of women. You're making sex available for less than the value of security and therefore Making it impossible for me to have a market for my sex. I need for men To provide my security. I need them to sponsor me Daddy was my sponsor when I was a little girl as I grew to be an adult Eventually the man whose name I'm going to substitute daddy's with will be my new sponsor His job will be to provide me with safety and security so I can do whatever I like and just like I did with daddy I know my job because I will love this man. Just as I love daddy I will be attentive to him and I will do everything. I can't keep them happy just as I did with daddy and Usually for young women who have understood from childhood their job is to make sure that they please other people The way they do this is by Telling them what they want to hear and keeping from them the stuff. They know they don't want to hear Overwhelmingly most of you guys are frustrated by the fact that women seem to flake a lot They'll say sure I'll go and see this movie with you or I'll go with you to do this I'll do this and they don't respond to your calls. They don't call you back They don't respond to your emails and they never show up for these events. You're holy shit. Well, guess what guys? They do it to each other all the time women tend not to learn how confidently to say no Because saying no frustrates the other person and makes them unhappy and women are raised through crappy Social programming to imagine their job is to keep other people happy with them So if your job is to keep people happy with you and the easiest way to keep people happy with you is by telling them what they Want to hear? Hey, you want to go see this show with me on Thursday. Oh sure. I'd love to Now as long as you hide out till after Thursday Everyone's happy Except the person who you said yes to who took you seriously, but that's okay. They'll learn This is a fantastic and awful reality. This is not any woman's fault. It's a society at large teaches women at an early age a few things that are fundamentally corrupted and Very problematic If you ever wonder why men think women are crazy Most women think women are crazy to most women eventually think they're themselves to be crazy from time to time Because they're trying to operate according to a rule base that makes no sense in logic if your axioms the fundamentals of your philosophy are contradictory You can prove anything If you can prove one is equal to zero or true is equal to false You can prove anything and of course the results are entirely spurious. There's no value to them in our society Women understand if they do what makes sense to them if they do what they'd like to do if they do what feels right for them invariably they will be decried as Having no self-respect Because they're not doing what society tells them to do I'll explain that further in a moment, but guys If someone says to me, hey, I'm doing this it's radical out there and not normal, but it's working. I'll say that's great You've got a lot of self-respect. You were prepared to abandon Convention and do what works for you because after all conformity is the confluence of cowardice and laziness Got that When you're too cowardly to step outside of the standard When you're afraid of the disapproval of random other people You do what you're supposed to do Because if you do what you're supposed to do you get the approval you're after the approval you're after usually comes along with rewards Men crave approval the way women tend to crave security Now the truth is there's no freedom for anyone as long as they crave security because there's no such thing as Security security is not a thing You can't touch it. It doesn't exist in any real sense security is a notion a sensation of safety Steve Jobs died with what a hundred billion dollars available to him at 54 How's that security working for him? Money doesn't provide security Friends Don't provide security. He had lots of friends. I couldn't help him There's no security on the side of the grave and that's all I can say I don't know if there's security on the other side of the grave The closest thing to security is what you can do for yourself to keep yourself afloat And what you can do to inspire other people to have them help you back up in the event you go below the water That's the only thing that matters So at the end of every day in order to be winning this game of life, you have to simultaneously be both happy and Self-satisfied When you're happy and satisfied you'll radiate other people will have joy in being around you if you pay attention to them They'll consider you so valuable incredible because you actually Broadcast you you per silently with joy at being you Because you've signed claimously become happy and self-satisfied you feel you've arrived. You are the person you should be Sounds so challenging, right? How can you be both happy and feel so satisfied? We'll get back to that now We have this philosophy across pretty much all cultures that says that there are two Paths for women there are two kinds of women. This is society's rule not any of us individually But overall the overarching theme Okay, I refer to this as seductive reasoning and you'll understand why in a moment We presume that women basically come into varieties There's the woman who does what she wants to for her own reasons without concern for social standards without concern For cultural standards. She leads her life her own way Perhaps she's a scientist doing Paleontological digs and has to travel around the world that wouldn't be a good time to settle down and raise a family Maybe she's a morning radio host has to be up at four in the morning. So she can be on the air at 5 30 So it's very hard to have a traditional relationship with a partner or maybe she's Not sure what she wants to do She's just floating through life taking courses or whatever But she doesn't settle down and doesn't do what she is supposed to do But she also doesn't live in abject chaste salubacy She has sex Because she enjoys sex. She has sex with people who turn her on. She has sex with people because she's bored She has sex with people because she knows she'll enjoy it And we say about a woman like this Clearly she has no self-respect Because she gives herself away for nothing Everyone heard this sort of idea Girl gives herself away for nothing that girl has sex with whoever amuses her at the time She has no self-respect Interestingly if a man has sex with whomever interest interests him at the time. He's here He has lots of self-respect, but if a woman has sex with people other than the ones she's supposed to She has no self-respect We condemn her because she gives herself away for nothing and there's a nasty four-letter word commonly bandied about We were discussing it earlier that is used pretty much uniformly to describe a woman who leads her own life her own way by her Own rules and has sex to suit her mood with whomever she chooses. Anyone want to give me that word? There you go slut, and I generally make sure what I'm describing this model to women I absolutely ensure they give me that word first because I give it to them first. They'll fill their drink in my face But they will give you the word slut They'll understand it. They'll recognize it whether they believe it or not is not important. They certainly know that society teaches us That that girl the one who leads her own life by her own rules her own way and has sex with people for her own amusement She is condemned bad news stay away from her. She's a slut now If a girl is a slut because she gives herself away for nothing and Therefore we know she has no self-respect There is another category of women the woman who has self-respect so much so she never gives herself away for nothing She always charges for it. Anyone want to give me a term for a woman who always charges for it? Okay, that's our post duty. It's all the same thing. So we have two things with wonderful society We teach women. Hey great news. You've got choice in this world. You could either be a whore or a slut We call that a double bind there's a crappy situation to be in But we also give them a bit of an out. You see there's the low status whore This is the one who says well long as I'm bringing in It's okay that I'm putting out I mean he paid for the corsage and the limo. You know he paid for the tickets to the show He paid for the babysitter to care my kids So of course I'm gonna have sex with him or he promised he'd take me to Alta We're gonna go skiing or he got me a better job or he did my taxes for me fixed my breaks for me Paid my rent bought me this jewelry Promised to love me forever as long as the security is given or Even promised It's okay That she's providing sexual access Because in our society that's much less terrible than she was just Having sex with it at least She has enough value for her vajay that she makes sure she's getting paid for it Right. Well, you see there is the other part. There's this wonderful escape class We give women this option they can also if they have enough Confidence of themselves and they can manage to for whatever reason they can announce the world that their sex is so valuable So high-profile so desirable They're only going to make it available to a single ongoing client in exchange for a lifetime of economic support For themselves and their offspring whom that client will no doubt imagine are his own She doesn't even promise to provide the sex merely to not publicly make that sex available to anybody else Okay, the nasty four letter word for that girl the contract horror the high status horror Can you want to tell me what that is? Okay, you guys are right on the money today. This is a good group Now you can have this conversation with any number of people male and female you can have this conversation with married couples And you will get you can have this cut you can have this conversation with 75-year-old ladies or the parents of your friends And they'll all give you the same words slot Horan wife They'll appreciate the reality of this. They'll shake their head going how the fuck did I buy into this my whole life? Okay, or they'll shake their head into how the hell does this guy know this or more importantly why don't other men know this? Okay, because when a girl starts to realize There's no reason in the world for her to punish herself for enjoying having sex with people she finds interesting it is insane But there's another deeper level a really insidious one how this all came to pass You see mommy who very likely was a contract whore Would would tell her daughters mustn't be a slut nothing is worse than being a slut mustn't appear like a slut If you appear like a slut people will know they can use you you'll never be able to find what you're after because remember honey If you give away the milk no one will buy the cow Because don't forget I raised you to be a whore not a slut But mommy always forgets to include that last sentence. I'm still not sure why now daddy will say something entirely different He'll say he'll say don't hook up with Gary over there. He just wants to get in your pants hold out for Phil He's got a good job in a career. He's going places. He'll be able to provide a fine life for you and your children Because don't forget I raised you to be a whore and not a slut And again daddy never bothers to say the line, but he knows deep down just as mommy does That their daughter is gonna understand They're there to be a whore, but they're never gonna say it aloud They're not even gonna think it to themselves Because even though there is no way to escape this logical truth It's a forbidden concept must not consider that sex is supposed to be a trade a woman Thens her sexuality in exchange for security now the truth is any woman who realizes That it's time to stop pretending to daddy or whoever a sponsor is That she's gonna be well behaved So is to keep him happy Only then Does she transition from being a girl into a woman a girl becomes a woman when she realizes As an adult she's responsible for the results of her decisions Her decisions give her the validation she wants and if she has to spend her life pretending to be something she isn't That's no life at all When a woman realizes that seeking for security from any place other than what she can do for herself and is as an individual Is crazy Cuz there ain't no security there All you have is a job with some confidence that it will continue until you're caught Doing what you're gonna be doing anyway so with this in mind a Woman becomes free When she realizes the only source of security is she herself Similarly a man is not a man Until he overcomes his fear of disapproval from people. He doesn't admire Anyone who governs their life Concerned about what people who do not matter to them Think about them is a child A boy becomes a man when he realizes That fearing the disapproval of others is Strangulation not around their throat that prevents them from being themselves And they don't become free Until they realize that the only source of security Comes from what they do for themselves and simultaneously they stop having the craving for approval from other people at all One of the most powerful things I've got going in my world is I do absolutely nothing to impress anybody Most people find me tremendously impressive because it's so clear. I don't give a shit. I Am going to be the way I am. I'm completely comfortable with being the person I am. I am 100% honest I speak the straight dope as best I can see it. I Am tactful but direct. I will have conversations with people where there is no way they can fail to appreciate what I'm saying Even if it's something I know they don't want to hear I'm just cautious in framing it in ways their ego won't reject before they get value from it Okay, because your ego that little voice inside your head that tells you what you're supposed to think about what you're hearing In fact, some of you will go, what's he talking about? There's no little voice inside my head telling me that he's not Okay, now if you start giggling it's probably because you've just heard that little voice and realized it's there Okay, the truth is your ego exists primarily to defend itself against the threat of Critical thinking from outside your system your ego exists to defend your preconceptions Those things that you know are true even though you have never explored to prove to yourself that they're true Nor could even explain how you know they're true They're true because they were told to you by someone who knew And you have no choice you learned them so long ago as before you even realized you could question Dronups told you these things they must be true Anyone here believe that if you shave With a razor your hair grows back in thicker and faster anyone else You've heard it. Most people have heard it Thanks to gentlemen like this fellow over here who shaved their head regularly clearly we discover it's not true But the truth is your hair grows in a Very flimsy single strand at first from the follicle which is about four days growth away from the surface So on the first day of a brand new hair coming out of the follicle It's one filament thick the next day just like a tree a second Filaments worth of media surrounds the first filament and it now has a second ring around it And it's twice as thick then the third day will be still thicker and the fourth day It'll be thicker still as it gets to be its maximum about four days worth of thickness And then by the time it reaches the surface you see the wispy one Days worth and then the next day if you still haven't shaved it gets a little thicker the next day a little thicker still The fourth day it's as thick as it's going to get and if you shave then the next day Already four-day thick hair Emerges so it looks like if you pluck out the hair When it grows back it grows back in thin and wispy. It's not true. It's just it takes four days for it to get to full thing Full thickness it never actually ever gets any thicker your hair is completely unaware of how long it is when you cut it And it doesn't carry their way So we have this thing all sorts of people throughout the years have accepted this notion Because when mommy tells her daughter don't shave your mustache hair it grows back in thicker and faster I go shit. I just shaved my mustache hair and look mommy was right. Look how thick it's growing in Well, it's actually going in exactly as thick as it was a previous day But if she plucks it or waxes it it'll be a week before she starts to have it that thick again So clearly that's a better answer. Well, it looks like that's true It's just not true. Well, there's all sorts of things in our world that if you don't look too carefully Look true and just aren't true Will Rogers a great American humorist said the trouble is not with what we don't know. It's what we know that just ain't so And there's an awful lot of stuff that we all know Just isn't true rather than get too far into that particular set of rabbit holes I'd like to come back for a moment to things that are more applicable for you guys See in order to feel Successfulness and therefore be compellingly attractive to other people because people love spending time around other people who clearly Feel good about themselves Who clearly like being themselves who are clearly not constrained by convention? Right in fact you look at any celebrity magazine the stuff people read about none of those people are operating According to the rules that we all know people are supposed to be following In fact, if you stop and think about it if you follow the rules as they've been presented There's no way to win. There's only a way of staying in the game forever Unhappy and not feeling satisfied. So managing your expectations for yourself is Critical set your expectations not based on what you'd wistfully like But what you know right now you can do If you set your expectations Based on what you can prove to yourself so that the only reason you'll ever disappoint yourself is if you don't try As long as you're putting in best efforts You're always going to be able to satisfy yourself and in fact you'll continually get better and better The longer you continue trying keep discovering you're gonna get better and better for most of your life And it sort of tapers off at the end, but by that point you've probably become pretty satisfied So it's an amazing thing Feeling good about yourself Comes from making reasonable decisions for yourself Being confident enough in yourself to put them into place not worrying about what other people think about them unless those people are People you admire as individuals Your dear friends people you consider credible people you hire as consultants people who've done it well before you People who operate as your guides So you can go and seek those people out get their feedback But don't take their word as though it were the literal word of God plenty of people who are experts are also wrong Plenty of people are experts also don't think too far out of the box from what they've done and interestingly enough There are lots of ways to skin cats. I'm not particularly recommending it. I'm a big fan of cats, but But you can accomplish the same thing through lots of different ways Some of them are more effective than others some of them are more efficient than others When you reach the confluence of efficiency and effectiveness the optimal solution, we call that elegant It's a wonderful term I always strive for elegant solutions because elegant solutions require very little investment and play out consistently They work because they should Because by design They make sense But for most people in most aspects of our life Very few things can be described as elegant interestingly Your career in any standard larger organization almost invariably is saddled by something called Parkinson's law Also called the Peter principle. It says that within a large organization Everyone always rises to their level of incompetency You'll get promoted if you're any good at your job And then you'll keep getting promoted from that job to the next job to the next job to the next job Until you're no longer good enough at that job to be promoted at which point. That's where you'll stay right So if you're a great Kindergarten teacher, they'll put you out into middle school. If you're good middle school teacher They'll push you up into high school. If you're an okay high school teacher They'll move you to vice-principals job. If you're a terrible vice-principal, that's where you'll stay The fact is you are a great early childhood educator But you've now been pushed both with salary and quote-unquote promotion to a higher position So you're no longer doing what you do well and you love Because the rewards were supposedly so much greater At this higherfalutin position where you now find yourself miserable and resented by everyone because you're not good at your job Now that's how the rules say you're supposed to live If you tell someone, you know what I'm gonna turn down promotion because I actually really like doing what I'm doing People will go, what's wrong with you? Then you won't have the trappings of success You won't be able to buy better stuff. Are you crazy? Live to be happy Live to be happy and self-satisfied When you're happy and self-satisfied you've got it made to win the game of life Each day you must feel that you are on the right track You are doing the necessary things to bring you to where you'd like to be You feel that you are sufficiently along on your journey and you're happy happy and Self-satisfied and then you feel great and things are great That brings you to an important thing There's a huge different Fundamentally in the mindset to the masculine and the feminine that can be summarized very simply for the masculine person when everything is okay Things are great for the feminine personality is not necessarily gender-linked. It's personality type. There are plenty of males who have a tremendously feminine personality For the feminine personality type when they feel Okay, everything's great Okay, for the male masculine personality type when things are okay They feel great the other when they feel okay Things are great So there will be plenty of situations where a woman doesn't feel very good and everything is obviously terrible and as men We hear this we want to fix everything because we want Jump into action We want to solve problems It's how we prove our value But the woman can feel crappy and have absolutely no Relationship to what's going on in her world. She feels crappy from the inside Doesn't have anything to do with what's going on and so we all scramble madly to try and please her and She wonders what's wrong with us Why can't we just accept that she feels crappy? so as men We need to recognize that we tend to project onto women all the time and Because of this we build huge resentment against women because women are not like us Well guys, guess what if you wanted to sleep with people who are like you fuck men Women are not men. Thank goodness Women are very different in a bunch of ways Men tend to deal with one another through a sense of establishing position in hierarchy bunch of guys get together if one of them says ah my Steering wheel wobbles on the freeway He can count on when the other guys say what's wrong with you. You don't want to fix that. It's really simple It's probably your whatever is right your tires are out of balance Right. Oh, I can fix that for you. This is another guy. What's wrong? You're not fix your car Jesus In other words as soon as a man announces he's got a problem He encourages other men to step up and demonstrate how cool and powerful they are because they wouldn't be stopped by that problem Bunch of women get together first one says all my tires are wobbling on the freeway second one say I know what that's like my my Automatic windshield wipers won't work in is remittant This was a yeah, I've got a brake layer and I haven't figured out fix it next one I'll say I might break squeak like crazy when I come to a stop Every single one of those women know how to solve their problem They're not looking to other women to tell them how to fix it not looking for other women to jump up and say I'll fix that for you They just want to know they're being heard. They're simply stating their situation That's all a Guy hangs out with bunch of girls girl one says all my steering my steering wheel wobbles on the freeway Oh, I can fix that for you. I know what that is I'm good at that I can fix that because he wants to feel big and powerful Just like he would with his guy friends only now he thinks if I do nice things for girls They're gonna give me what I want. Oh The girl goes oh, um Yeah, well sure that'd be great The second girl says yeah, I know what you mean my my my intermittency on my windshield way versus way Oh, I can fix that for you, too. I've got a children's manual I can take care of that thinking hey, I'm scoring great points. These girls are gonna love me truth There's a girl's good. What's wrong with this guy? Do you think we're children? Do you think we don't know how to fix our cars? What is it with this guy? Third girl says what her problem is and he says oh, I'll fix that for you He thinks he's being their hero. They're all looking at him. What the hell is wrong with this guy, right? And he thinks they're all gonna appreciate him. They're not they're gonna let him indulge himself By putting a lot of work into fixing their cars Not one of them asked for this. There's no contract of appreciation. They're gonna say well, um, sure great They don't even need to say thanks Okay, and yet like idiots Men fail to recognize this is what's going on and then they become resentful as hell when they put in a lot of hours And the girls feel that they've done them a favor Because they have girls put up with the guy. Maybe they fed him Cook some food for him. They didn't need him to do this. They indulged his ego Okay Now every once in a while you find some crafty girls. She'll recognize this is the fact She'll hang out with a bunch of guys and she'll list off for the litany of things rock wrong with her car And guys will step up I can fix that for you and then she'll say the next one Oh, I can fix that for you each one of them trying to do themselves She'll get our car fixed for free and owe them nothing and the other girls will think she's a whore And the guys will think she's a gold digger See gold diggers just like a whore only smarter because she doesn't have to put out Okay, and we men we set ourselves up for this because we project on to other people the things that would happen for us I'll give you a perfect example guys There's a magical combination that is required for a normal average man to become Sufficiently aroused by a new potential partner to want to engage in sex with her in other words in order to get a stiffy You need an almost unbelievably uncommon combination of traits to take place in a single person at the same time she needs to be hot enough and the pure willing now You know how rare that is right? It's almost mystical how frequently you find someone who's both hot enough and appears willing But it turns on the hour of the day as the hours get later and the drinks get shorter Probably more and more they'll start showing up now the thing is most guys figure that if they were a pretty lady Pretty lady here the back of the room They would know they could get laid on the street car because of course everyone would be willing So just be a question of finding someone who's hot enough right Well guys by the same token any of you guys can get onto a street car and now it's I will fuck anyone who wants to fuck me and Guys will come out of the woodwork for you Except that probably doesn't appeal to you because what you actually want is you want someone you're turned on by Think I'm out of the woodwork and that's hard for you to find well guess what it's also murderously hard for women to find Because unlike men who only require hot enough and willing Women require an entirely different set of absolutely essential things in order to find a man arousing So it's crazy to think that women are also spoiled or my god that girl she insists on someone ridiculously hot Brent whose space I'm feeling right now is a dear friend and Brent's a very nice-looking guy a real silver fox and Both Brent and I acknowledge and understand that either one of us could have hooked up with the same girl Just a question of who met her first Despite the fact he's gorgeous looking And I'm certainly not Because what a woman finds attractive is trivial trivial At the outset because once a woman has found you interesting and compelling and Arousing When she's on her own time fantasizing and masturbating Your face will show up in her list of faces because pretty much every face of every guy that she's ever met flashes through her mind Whether she's met them or just seen them on movies and TV If you're a quality guy and you hold your own and you're masculine enough and confident enough and you don't look like you're needy Occasionally she'll see you and she'll start to reframe in her mind that you are becoming more and more her type Fascinating thing before Tony Soprano became a thing on television. My hot or not rating was about 3.5 After Tony Soprano became something on TV, my hot or not rating came up to about 6.5 Because once women started fantasizing about a tall sweltering furry balding powerful masculine dominant Mediterranean looking swarthy dude Suddenly I fit the bill. I have nothing to do with it Okay, world changed for me So I changed my hair and look so that I wasn't capitalizing on James Gandalfini's turf I didn't want girls going to bed with me for the wrong reason. I wanted to go to bed because they liked me I'd be a player for a lot longer than the show the Sopranos was on the air Now you see I consider life a game and I play it very very well I have a tremendous tremendous number of friends many of whom I made myself Or at least I helped them construct themselves until it became the sort of people I wanted to spend time with not because They were paying me to pay attention to them because they were actually really cool worthwhile people on their own And they weren't carrying a whole bunch of bogus Garbage frames, you know junk ideas that were holding them back and convincing them They weren't good enough for the people that they'd like to enjoy So as soon as people start to throw away the crap that keeps them from succeeding They start to succeed And the more they succeed the more Successes they have the more full of successes they become they become Successful and the amazing thing is almost everyone understands wrongly What a success is See everyone thinks a success is a favorable or desirable outcome from an attempt, right? But I challenge you all look up in your dictionary look up in dictionary calm and it lists the original meaning now considered obsolete for success it says an outcome any Outcome is a success as a matter of fact each success is a successive Success in a successive series of succeeding successes each one's which succeeds the last one a succession of successes The king is succeeded by the prince. This doesn't mean the prince is better than the king merely He's the next one the line It's the one that came afterwards So every attempt you make yields a success even if it's undesirable success a success you didn't want So if you want to become successful you have to have a lot of successes This means you've made a lot of attempts a lot of attempts are gonna have results You don't like very much, but as long as you don't treat them as losses and instead remember their lessons Never a loss only a lesson and you guide yourself by what you learn from each example You get closer and closer to what you'd really like with every attempt So in truth when your ego tries to stop you from walking over and saying hi to the beautiful girl that you see at the other end of The room you're thinking oh, I'd really like to go meet her your ego speaks up. What's wrong with you? That's crazy talk remember what happened last time you go tried her go talk to some girl Or she wants someone taller than you or better hung than you or nicer looking than you with a bigger wallet than you She wants someone more together than you someone likes himself more than you So you go, yeah, well, that's really true. All right, I'm better off not to make an attempt So what happens when you make no attempt? No attempt no success In other words failure, which is the opposite of success comes from only one thing no attempt failure to engage is The only failure and every single time That you choose to listen to your ego Which is only interested in protecting itself and doesn't give a shit about you Every time you listen to your ego as it tells you not to try something that makes sense to you You fail in exactly the same way So doing the same thing over and over again Knowing in advance that it's a failure Well, that's about as stupid as it gets Making the same mistake again and again and again Well, that's about as dumb as it gets so you have to be Humiliated psychologically you need to take this into the forefront of your mind every single time you allow your ego to stop you You have to go. Oh, I made this mistake before Right making the same action again again expecting a better result. Well, that's madness Repeating the same mistakes again and again as stupid as it gets and what could be more humiliating? Then recognizing I have just Disappointed myself. I had to live with the sense of shame of My being a coward too lazy So learn a new lesson by giving something a try What's the worst thing that's gonna happen you go over and you try and start a conversation with a girl worst thing That's gonna happen is The very worst thing truly unless you're in a particularly Hispanic neighborhood where a bunch of her husband's friends are gonna knife you for talking Generally speaking worst thing that happened is she's not gonna be interested now at my level the worst thing that's gonna happen is She's not gonna be interesting I'm never rejected truly. I'm never rejected. I go up and talk to women all the time. I'm never rejected I'm not never rejected because every girl wants to get to know me I'm never rejected because I'm never going over there to offer anything I'm going over to find out if it can stand her Okay, and I know this is true for a whole bunch of men in this room Many guys you'll see wearing shirts like this are exactly the same as I am the answer is very aloha We have made peace with ourselves in the world. We like ourselves If you ask any of us you ask Alan you ask Zan you ask Eric who's following me you say hey If you met you tomorrow Would you want you as a friend the answer? I guarantee you be fuck. Yeah. Yes. I would love that more than anything Okay, and your answer is not fuck. Yeah To the question would you want you as a friend? With exactly the same history you've got you know all your deepest darkest secrets You know whether you're a bullshit artist. You know whether or not you let people down all the time You know whether or not you feel unworthy of the things that you've got So you meet yourself if the answer to the question would you like to meet yourself? Would you like yourself as a friend? Would you choose you as a friend? The answer is not fuck. Yeah You have to chase that down and fix those problems Don't worry about getting girls worry about getting to a place where you know you're worthwhile then You no longer have to prove yourself to women and get the sense that they accept you Who the fuck cares of some random stranger who you've never met before likes you on first meeting All you know about a pretty girl across the room is you find her attractive You find her attractive. This is an automatic function. You find yourself attracted to her You know nothing else about her. You have no idea if she's as smart as a bar of soap You just know that you're turning on by her in the moment so Deciding how you're supposed to feel about you based on what she thinks of you is Not only irresponsible but nuts remember that whole thing about not craving the approval of strangers a whole thing about not feeling you have to Give in to your fear of disapproval from other people Interesting thing yesterday. I was listening. There was some concern about the fact that France Had made a law that said that men could not approach women on the street and ask them for their phone numbers men could not harass women with catcalls and things like this and of course Most of us in the room being men. We thought how weird that they should have that crazy law I want to give you a frame to think about for just a moment before you go off on that tack If some six foot seven body building Auto worker or construction worker a guy came up to you and said hey Hey, hot stuff. What's your phone number? That make you feel good or maybe me creep you out a little bit Remember body Dymorphism human males are generally much much larger and stronger than human females So imagine yourself for a moment being a five foot five hundred and fifteen pound girl the sort who you might think is really cute Remember that you being your size are intimidating as fuck If you come over to her and for no reason that she can understand You asked her for a phone number That's pretty imposing Walk up to some stranger With an unrequested compliment that makes her think well, maybe this person is a bizarre sexual predator. Am I in jeopardy here? So take a moment and think about it from that perspective or really change things for you Now the truth is I've often said Walking up to an endless an endless number of women and trying to start conversations with them or walk up to an endless number of women Just because you're playing a numbers game out It's pretty obnoxious All you're generally doing is bothering women Women don't want to be bothered Women want to become hot and bothered Okay women want someone who arouses them So here's the miraculous bit I'm gonna need to go really quickly on this because my time is running out Fortunately, I've published it's another place that I'm gonna make sure I go through this because it's really very important There are four things that every woman who's in love with a man believes about that man These four things are That that man presents as a powerful masculine presence Who loves and respects himself? That is to say he knows who he is He accepts his mistakes He's confident in his power He likes himself and he will not bend He will hold his frame and Therefore women will respect him because he clearly respects himself and no woman can become aroused by a man who doesn't respect himself The second thing is He's comfortable enough and confident enough in himself that he can make decisions and go ahead with them There by leading himself and whoever else is around Ideally on adventures. She would enjoy as Azan says every woman wants to be taken on an adventure by a man She doesn't want to be that man's adventure She wants the man to lead women have evolved to crave Being able to put themselves in the hands of someone who will lead them because it's very comforting It's very accommodating and she'll feel safe and secure Women have evolved to be able to sense across the room what a man believes about himself When a woman sees a guy who's looking over a girl I wish I wish I could get with that girl But she's way too good for me the girl will follow that man's lead and recognize that she's way too good for him Guy walks up to a girl feeling these Awesome totally comfortable with himself. There's nothing wrong with him. He's not going over to her to get her to validate him He's going over there to find out whether he can like her and She sees him as a masculine presence who likes and respects himself and suddenly he's in the game She doesn't try and blow him off like a cockroach. She goes all right this guy seems to like himself That's rare What one in 20 men Love and respect themselves Maybe So the second part being able to lead himself on adventures that she would enjoy What percentage of men are independently minded enough to be able to make decisions? Make a call of what they'd like to do and are comfortable enough and playful enough They don't treat life too seriously that they're fun. They do things that suit them Still even tinier number The third one is he must love and appreciate women as Women he's not carrying any hatred for women. He's not thinking all those women. They're awful They're terrible the terrible things they've done to me. My last girlfriend did this this girlfriend never did this for me Even though I gave her everything they have gotten past the suggestion that women are supposed to be Sex machines into which you put enough good deed tokens and eventually sex falls out That's not how women are women are people they need to become aroused before they want to engage in sex with you But in order to be arousing you must demonstrate those first three traits or at least they must Assume them to be true about you in other words when a girl is infatuated with you She definitely sees you with a powerful masculine presence loves and respects himself Who's capable and willing to make decisions for himself and is Playfully confident in leading himself and whomever else on adventures. She would enjoy and Clearly he loves and appreciates and respects women Treasures them needs to have them in his life Okay, and the fourth one the one that's super important for a woman to truly believe and feel She's in love with the man. He must demonstrate in an absolutely clear way that he is not only attracted to her and aroused by her But he is interested In who she is as an individual he must care about what makes her tick What turns her on what upsets her why she cares about things he must take an active interest in Learning about her and who she is Now every woman in the world who's in love with her partner Sees these four things in abundance and therefore she will describe him as the sort of man who could have any woman he wanted Because any man who displays those first three Could have any woman he wanted as soon as he turns that fourth one on to her in particular Okay, first three are Absolutely the same for all women the fourth one is where he's interested in her as an individual So every girl who's in love with her partner sees him as fantastic for her the sort of man who could have any man Who could have any woman that he wanted? Okay That's exactly the right place you want to be you want to be the sort of man who it doesn't require infatuation chemistry It doesn't require the girl to have a mad crush that's not based in reality You want her to recognize that you are in fact a man who loves and respects himself Who's made peace with who he is? Who's thrown away the garbage that's stopping him from he will accept himself Who's comfortable and confident in reasoning to make decisions for himself so he can choose what to do go ahead and do it with Sublime happy confidence Recognizing that even if it's outside of his traditional stuff He's already learned his security comes from his ability to adapt When the bad shit comes down he gets out of the way or he opens an umbrella or he does whatever he needs to but he makes it through Because security is what you can do for yourself as an individual or what you can get assistance from other people for So that you can manage So a man who loves and respects himself Understands his motivations Forgives his mistakes gets on with his life Everyone respects this male and female alike The guys who don't get stopped By something unexpected or undesirable or the failure of something they've been counting on to come together Those are the guys we look at his heroes Right The guys who get shit done who do we look to for advice the people Who seem to know what the fuck to do? so when You have forgiven Yourself for all of your mistakes having recognized that understanding them Recognizing what you did that caused the mistake or caused the result that you didn't want so that you tune and Repeat not making that mistake so that your next success will be closer to an ideal success as You become success full Right, everyone knows the master has failed more times than the novice has attempted Right, you don't develop a new skill. You don't even improve old skills Without first being prepared to go further than you know, you can accomplish When I was a teenager I did a lot skiing one day. I skied down the toughest runs The toughest runs I've said I just screwed up my mic toughest runs At Whistler Mountain and Blackcomb Mountain, British Columbia big mountain I came back and there wasn't a drop of moisture on the outside of my ski equipment My father looked at me and said what were you doing all day? I said I did this run and this run and this run all the triple Challenging ones the off-route ones the forbidden to do unless your ski patrol You know double black diamonds all things you said, yeah, but you weren't trying hard I said, what are you talking about? He said you didn't fall your suit is dry. If you weren't falling you weren't improving Pointed that fuck with my head But he was right Until you were prepared to move out of your comfort zone Nothing new will happen Every woman in the world wants a man that she can feel comfortable and confident in Knowing that with love and appreciation and affection and goodwill towards her He will make decisions that she can be confident to take her into account so that she can relax and Feel secure and every single person in the room has the potential to be that sort for not just a particular woman But for every woman you meet from now on As soon as you make peace with yourself and throw away the crafty useless shit That's holding you back None of it is real so I'm as far as I know the world's only Professional personal development guru who offers a lifetime money-back guarantee on my work Why do I do this because nobody ever asked for their money back? I'm very good at what I do the good news is I love that I was invited to speak here to speak here today Anthony, I super appreciate it guys. I hope you've taken some value from what I've been talking about Anyone wants to get in touch with me? I'm called Johnny Soporno There's pretty much no other Sopornos out there because it's not actually a real name Having worked in the adult industry for about 25 years When the Sopranos became a popular show and everyone started asking me for Tony Sopranos autograph The name Soporno became completely obvious and self-evident and I've been using it ever since You can find me online you can find me on Facebook with the help of Zan and and Hypnotica and Brent usually and a whole bunch of other really super guys We put on an enormous workshop in January every year in Vegas if anyone's interested in attending I'll make arrangements to give you guys a special incentive discount because hey you guys already have some stuff going Gentlemen, I appreciate your attention. I hope I've been helpful and again Anthony. Thank you so much Yes, sir. Give it up to Johnny Soporno