 So the other day I was watching a video from one of my contemporaries I Pseudo call this a contemporary where they were talking about how to get your ex back and One of the fundamental principles that they were espousing in this video is the concept of no Contact and leaving this person alone So they will miss you and want to reach out to you and I want everybody to think about this for a moment You know this person has just ended a relationship with you and all you have to do is leave them alone And they'll come running back. Okay. Now while there is some truth that when people end the relationship They might feel an emptiness. They might feel a hole They might feel a desire to want to fill that hole up and what it seems like these days What a lot of people do is they turn to their devices as a way and think about this for a moment It's easy to turn to our devices because it's right there There are apps that allow you to connect with a variety of different people So when that hole is there when the relationship ends you can literally go and plug into a You know a bumble a tinder or hinge and swipe swipe swipe You can swipe to hundreds and thousands of people and maybe a few people will pop up Okay, so the reality is is these days there's so much ease of Replacement that this concept of just simply leaving someone alone and they'll somehow magically come backs Will work. Okay, but let's take this a step further This person's been swiping swiping away and they're going back to the frustration It is to reconnect with a new person and go through the angst of people who ghost and disappear And because this is true for men and women alike that what happens is there's going to be a period where? They they feel a sense of missing you and they might return back In fact John Gray calls this the rubber band effect And I believe he claims that roughly within a six to twelve week period a person will want to come back Because they're feeling this emptiness Okay, but let me ask you Do you really want someone back if you haven't addressed the core issue that caused this person to break up or end this? Dynamic do you really want this person back if you haven't? Addressed the core issues that caused someone to want to leave because this whole narrative Oh, by the way part of this narrative is you leave them alone and you show them your best life You know you make sure that you post lots of pictures on your social media Where you're going out with your girlfriends and you're having a good time and just showing this person that you can live without them To me that's manipulative But also in some sense by doing that that's a desperate act To actually put yourself out there to try to convince someone to want you isn't that sad? That this idea well if I just leave them alone That's gonna convince them to want me if I you know if I you know because I believe There's a better approach To take now when I say better approach Let's be clear if someone goes you and they just disappear There's that that in and of itself their silence is a decision on their part But if two people have been in a relationship, they've broken bread They've done a lot of things together. They've had social activities hobbies mutual interest They spend time with family and friends and the person ends the relationship Well, then you have to acknowledge if their reason was valid for them Would you really want this person back? Would you really want this person back or is it worth? Revisiting a conversation when that person let's just say this rubber band effect just did occur and they come back and Wanting you back. Do you just simply make? Assumptions and do you create expectations or what's going to happen or do the two of you engage in Significant conversation and I say the word significant because a lot of conversation is just rather shallow You know, I I jokingly talk about this in my videos these days many people's Conversation is how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day I'm talking about significant conversations with some level of of boundaries with some level of agreements maybe even some rules of how to engage further if You're going to revisit a relationship because this concept of just leaving someone alone and will they come back Like just like a broken clock. It's right twice a day Sure, maybe two times out of 24. This person does circle back But I'm coming back to inviting you to ask yourself. Do you really want to be with this relationship? So how can we avoid even someone? Ending a relationship. Well, that's what I'm here to talk about today And I was watching a video with Jay Shetty and Lewis Howe's recently And Jay Shetty if you're not familiar with them I highly recommend checking out both of their podcast Jay Shetty and Lewis Howe but he was talking about the difference between toxic love and Unconscious or conscious love. Excuse me. Now toxic love is basically people who desire love Basically to serve their own needs. This is why I scream at the top of my lungs sometimes on my videos Which is just really which is really just my passion to draw attention To the fact that there is a significant percentage of people who want occasional companionship occasional connection Occasional sex they want it for their own benefit They want it for their own benefit and why is that called toxic because it's not Contemplating that there are two people in this equation. It's not contemplating that there's another person whose feelings might be directly affected by a by By an individual's actions. That's right Our actions do matter the minute we engage in an emotional connection with another human being and in that there's some level of Promises made even if they're unconscious promises and what I mean to say is here's an unconscious promise I'm looking for a relationship That's an unconscious promise. Why I say unconscious is to the other person They're taking you on face value that you want a relationship with them Okay, and then and why I'm bringing this up It's an unconscious promise because I witnessed so many men in particular that engage in Convincing someone to explore a relationship with this person to get physically intimate with this person only To somewhere between six and 12 weeks later say things like I'm not ready for a relationship So the unconscious promise that you make when you say I want a relationship The unconscious part is I'm also ready and capable of a relationship See the kinder thing to do is to say I'm not feeling a Significant connection with you to explore a deeper relationship That would be the more civil thing to a say to a person instead of saying things like I'm not ready for a relationship Because the minute you say you want a relationship You're making an unconscious promise and I again, I'm only using the term unconscious Is that you're making it's it's unconscious to the other person as well in that you're making a statement That says you are also ready for a relationship The other thing is I think couples would be better served in the early stages of dating is to do what I call radical honesty Laying your cards on the table and the rules of engagement and what the and I'm going to start with the rules of engagement Is to get clarity on what your standards are in a relationship what your standards are what your values are in the relationship That's the rules of engagement Because couples are better served to talk about their values and what a relationship should look like for the two of them That's your standards Laying your cards on the table. That's merely unpacking your past Relationship history for both yourself and giving the other person an opportunity to get a sense of what your your Your it's like your job resume I want to know all the different jobs you had so I can see how qualified you are in this relationship And I also want to see how you ended each relationship to determine your level of emotional maturity This is why we it's it's it's important to talk about the past relationship For those of us in midlife, okay for those of us in midlife That's after baby making years and before retirement We all have a backstory that can directly relate or affect any future relationship And certainly if you have entanglements with some past relationships that directly affects any future relationship Because the radical honesty piece this is about being vulnerable being authentic and being transparent So what is transparency? Well, I think if you're expressing yourself and exploring a relationship with someone if there are Aspects of your life your past present or future that Materially affects any new relationship. It's important to be transparent about that that includes disclosing things like STDs Disclosing if you are still engaged in a contentious divorce If you have medical issues well, we talked about that with STDs But being transparent if it's material to any future relationship Being authentic is look at I'm assuming that people enter in a relationship because they want to be themselves You want to be your authentic self, you know instead of a like Chris rock talks about the ambassador of them best selves A lot of people start with a mask instead of really being authentic to who they are and being vulnerable simply means is Expressing you don't have to share secrets with another human being But certainly be vulnerable to say things like, you know, especially if you're a woman if you are Desirous of a relationship and you're feeling a sense of fear with this person It's okay to be vulnerable saying I'm feeling a little unease. I'm feeling an uncertainty Because your actions demonstrate, you know, something different than the way you approach me in the beginning of the relationship That's being vulnerable. It's okay to share insecurities or uncertainties if you will So I said radical honesty Playing your cards on the pit table and the rules of engagement See here's the thing coming back to what Jay Shetty was talking about toxic love most humans operate Serving their own needs and yet conscious love is doing it from the concept. There's a you There's a me and then there's a collective we there's a we and conscious love invests in the we And I'm just looking at my notes coming back to something I shared earlier Conscious love is establishing boundaries and I like the way Brene Brown talks about boundaries She says boundaries are simply what's okay, and what's not okay for me and Inconscious love you make agreements to one another that includes how often you're gonna spend time together That includes discussing the future in relationship and making some agreements on when you see each other How much you're gonna invest in the relationship in that it also might include talking about finances in a relationship folks. Do you realize that? Over the second most common reason for divorce Centers around money and it's naive to think that money isn't part of an equation in the dating processing yet We have been so conditioned from these gender roles Expectations and yet the reality is most people You know the average human here at least the average person in the United States doesn't make enough to support two families Most families need to Incomes to get by so in the early states of dating unless you're dating a millionaire It's it's rather important to discuss if you're exploring a relationship with one another to have deeper Conversations and coming up with agreements And then Jay shetty goes on to establish some rules And these are all not Designed to to Enclose the relationship. It's all designed to enhance the relationship and having Conversations in these areas And there's a multitude of areas That couple should be talking about so they can build the deep roots of trust Okay, deep roots of trust And folks I wanted to share with you trust isn't just about fidelity Trust is can I count on this person to really care about my feelings? Do they have my well-being at heart? Do they have my best interest at heart? That's what trust is because ultimately trust Is being able to relax into the relationship knowing that you feel seen you feel heard You feel understood and most importantly you feel accepted for who you are because ultimately A relationship many people hyper focus on chemistry and attraction and the intense butterflies As the necessity for a relationship and I'm here to say the real value of partnering with someone or at least Exploring that is getting to a place where you feel a sense of ease with this person You feel a sense of calm and more importantly You feel like you can just simply be yourself warts and all So coming back to the original conversation if I leave him alone will he come back? Yeah, the broken clock will sometimes come back twice a day, okay But ultimately let's avoid you even having to play these games As a way to solidify a relationship. How about you start every new relationship With a space of being conscious and being deliberate and being an intentional God universe spirit I invite in a conscious relationship where we're both intentional with one another and yes We share amazing chemistry with one another and we have great communication with one another and we can blend our lives together Because we share the same values and have the emotional maturity to build the deep roots of trust That sustain a long-term loving committed relationship god universe spirit. I invite that in I invite that all in for you and if you need some support with that, hey Reach out to me schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you Join my group called midlife love mastery. This is an a place where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis You can join our facebook group and you can connect with me there and all the other Avenues you can connect with me. I hope this opened your eyes at looking at something from a different venue And I hope I make a difference in your life. All right. I'm going to wrap up this video as I always Oh first off if you have something to share, please post a comment below If you're in my group called midlife love mastery, please tell your friends about Our group send them to my website jonathan asley.com have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group And i'm going to sign off this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic jonathan bear hug I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear a pillow Give enter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye janine Bye