 And now I'm looking forward to this. On stage A in Leipzig at 35, 3 years. One of the most exciting artists in the world, Nico Semsrott. Hello. How's it going? It's a great honor to be the last thing here today. Many thanks for this invitation. I'm going to do a worst-of today, a worst-of of my solar program. Happiness is just a lack of information and I'm a demotivational trainer. I'm going to start with my favorite joke. It's also the joke that best represents Germany. It's a trick question. How often do we have the word love in our base law? And it's in a world that has nothing to do with love at all. What does defeat mean? Defeat is my subject since I came to this world. I think that society is assimilating to my life. I thought it would happen differently. Defeat is wishing minus ability. In order to be defeated, you have to want something. If you don't want anything, you can't be defeated. Worse than defeat or even more exciting than defeat is not even trying. So I think you should always be very respectful towards everybody who has suffered defeat because they tried something. I published a calendar of defeat together with my brother Anna and I want to present you five of these defeats because to me and us it's important to talk about defeat more often to normalize defeat. And I will present you with five examples. The 21st of April, 1959, Gary Creeman starts his website match.com. His girlfriend meets another man there that was in 1995, I imagine. The 4th of June, 1923, during a horse racing, the jockey Frank Hayes dies from heart disease but reaches the finishing line the first time. That's his first victory, reaches the finishing line first. In 1976, Ronald Wayne sells his share in Apple for a few dollars. On the 17th of July, in the 1800s, in the USA, somebody, a lawyer tries to restage a crime and shoots himself. 14th of August, 1977, the Australian Alan Jones surprisingly wins the Formula One race in Austria and nobody there knows how to play the Australian anthem. Trumpeteer starts to play Happy Birthday. I was told that you don't like advertising but this light is already up, it's already in there. My online shop is cancerdieschengen.de. Oh yes, introductions, but it's not awful. Let's start by singing a song together. Okay, it's a large hall. All right, who of you has seen me live before just to give me a rough idea? That must be at least 30 people, that's great. Who's seen me on TV or YouTube. Okay, who's never seen anything. It's going to be a rough hour for you to present myself a bit more and this is my very boring name, but at least the initials follow the European trend. I'm very happy that my parents didn't call me Simon. I'm born on the 11th of March, 1986. This has two components, the Chernobyl disaster and the date of the Fukushima disaster. It's really helpful for me to remember this. On my 18th birthday, I witnessed the Madrid attacks on the 23rd, the wind and school shooting and I'm excited to see what else my life has to offer. I grew up in the suburbs, the suburbs combined the drawbacks of the countryside and the city. I grew up in a terraced house which combines the drawbacks of renting and owning high costs of living and lack of privacy. That was when I was seven at the bird park. My satirical education was received at the Catholic school. We had a book of prayers and every morning somebody had to recite a prayer. My favourite prayer was, Dear God, please allow us all to remain healthy and stop the war and insert current area here. After school I was confused like so many others, I didn't know if I should go right into unemployment or learn something and I decided upon a compromise studying at university. Once there I wasn't sure if I should continue or stop and I decided on compromise of studying economics. That's not true, I just put it in there because it works. In fact I dropped out of my sociology studies after six weeks to concentrate on my depression. I could have well done that while studying because sociology is essentially that but I thought I would stay true to myself and become a demotivational trainer and I would give my life until now one of five stars. I'm good at doubting, I'm good at resigning and I'm good at demotivating others and then I wondered what I could do with these abilities and then it came to me I could become head of the social democratic party but then I thought I don't hate myself quite enough for that so let's become demotivational trainer. Right, but I was considering removing this gag from the presentation because you're not supposed to joke about the deceased ones. One out of five stars and this is zero out of five for erotics, zero out of five for action and two or maybe three for undecidedness I'm not quite sure. All in all that's one out of five and if I had to comment on my life I would say I would not watch again because a demotivational trainer I have some great successes for example I'm an alcoholic this for example is March 2014 the dates highlighted in red where when I have to drink when I drank and the reasons Munich I could Munich was okay sober as well but then it took a few days to recover I landed some viral hits on Facebook and YouTube got lots of feedback I was told I'm a whore of the system being financed by the system that's an absurd claim I can tell you who pays for my pay it pays for me that's 58% mum 40% dad and this point surprise you 2% of my gags are financed by the Syrian Association for the demise of the German people I would like to popularize a way of thinking that I call positive negative thinking it's positive thinking plus negative thinking which equals positive negative thinking positive thinking would be the glasses empty so all in all the glass is fully empty in our society we often or at least in the neoliberal part of our society we often assume that positive thinking is constructive this has not shown to be true in my life I think positive thinking is destructive and you can see that in our society we often assume positive and you can see that in all large-scale projects in Germany for example if you I personally if I think that this airport thing is going to work out brilliantly then you end up with a negative result and if I if I think about it negatively I often end up with a positive result so pessimists will often reach their goal sooner than optimists because optimists don't imagine there to be problems and then then get surprised by them and pessimists already took those into account here's an example the negative the positive question is what do I want the negative question is what don't I want and if you if you think about live negatively you your goal is to be unhappy and then that's very easy to do and reaching your goal makes you happy but if I say I want to be happy then I will notice that there are lots of options there are billions of options and most likely if I choose one of the available options I will wonder if I couldn't have chosen better so I can't really reach my goal and I become unhappy so that's the proof that a negative approach will lead you to happiness is more likely to lead you to happiness than a positive approach and that's the question I would use for all my life what decisions can screw up my entire life and so I should look at life from the deathbed things you hear off you rarely hear on a deathbed I wish I'd spent more time at the office or I wish I'd listen to my parents when choosing my profession or did I did I turn off the stove when I when I left and before you lie on your deathbed what happens then this is a schematic drawing of the entire life there's birth and death and emptiness in between and because this is really hard to bear people feel that with with silliness we spend our life in groups debating what silliness is right and that's what humanity has always done ten thousand years ago people wondered why there is lightning and thunder and somebody proposed a god of thunder and everybody was very relieved and said yeah we'll take that and 160 years ago we in Europe thought that bloodletting was a great idea for healing healing illnesses so that makes it very unlikely that somebody will one day think about us that right they they really got things right so if we're honest with ourselves for a while there are only two things we can we can believe in either all the the bullshit that's already been rejected or the bullshit that hasn't been rejected yet and fundamentalists believe in bullshit that's already been rejected and people who believe in enlightenment believe in bullshit that hasn't been rejected yet I would like to talk a bit more about fundamentalist bullshit because that's been getting quite a lot of tailwind in recent years now we're talking and I will use the example of racism in the AFD in the German right wing party because fundamentalists always simplify we should not do that as people who believe in enlightenment therefore I would like to differentiate explicitly there are not simply racist they're not only racist in the AFD there are also people who think racism is fine those in the blue part of this this chart are those who who are open open-minded how does it how does this debate works that the racist thinks that we are not racist while then the stupid people say oh good very good then it's everything good of course there is this principal problem that in the democracy that we talk about there are other opinions but now we're talking about about this tolerant paradox that this tolerance against the hip tolerance or about the Luxembourg freedom is always the freedom what everybody have think of but what it actually is what every but other people think is is that the thing that everyone is saying this is the same let's talk about it again how does this battle of the racist goes so first every other people are less valuable as we are and then the democratic people think like please leave this activity and then the racism sets the monk radicals why we why are you just for Nazis that is somehow doesn't work as a wanted to I think this is a live hacking no I also talk I'm another I'm fully about explanation and fanatics I actually couldn't understand them because from all of different them of the praxis like the explainators they first talk about the facts and then make up a story but while the fanatics they actually first make up a make up a story and then try to find the fact according to it let's look at some of the examples and let me have a look how this every people is made out of different kind of personalities for example exam experiences religions political ideologies physics psychology health social image and then we come out with the fanaticers people there's and they're just Muslims and let's take this another example that there is this phenomenon that there is an increasing social and the quality happening and then we can find out like what at least for example they have equal machines low-cost and the salaries from others are lower and there's also like immigration and demography and this finance crisis has just happened in 2008 and we find out from all of these reasons to come out like then the fanatic sets okay international people should go out because actually from the left to right you can never come up to it it's actually quite it's quite a imaginary work a third example is this phenomenon of that I added to for example a lot of the races are under 53 years old like that is currently not up to date anymore since summer 2017 it should be like an under 60 46 64 and I have to I want to refuse to change this failure because I'm not ready to accept this bullshit fact maybe the most interesting thing is that 97% of the that the mass murders are permitted by men but I didn't say anything so maybe let's be rational about it so about the the insane people maybe we could try a human friendly approach and improve the care for these kind of people and maybe maybe we we take care of that or instead we could just prohibit bockers so we just go back to the source so yeah there's there are some studies about this men who wear bockers have a very high potential for aggression I found the debate about the the shooting in Munich very exciting because one racist with migrational background was shooting another one and basically the the right wing party in Germany said yeah we won't touch that that doesn't make any sense so the the democratic right wing party was saying okay let's just use the army and use them on our own soil so that's like closer at this and what it essentially means is police is basically not capable to do it so I asked myself what is it that the army can do that the police can't do so the first thing I came up with was we can bombard the inner cities there were a few cities that got forgotten during the second world war so that's something the army can provide maybe we could just take care of that now the chance that we hit the the perpetrator in this case is also pretty high so we should maybe try to send resin for first start in the meantime I'm not so sure anymore if the the army could actually do that in the summer I read that at any given time only four of the over 100 your fighters are actually in working condition so at least in this case I'm very happy to live in a country where most of the people actually just don't care and then I actually thought that if the AFD so the right wing party actually ever gets into power then they need at least another 10 years to actually get the army back in working order so it's the first time I thought thank you a lot miss van der Leyen the German ministry of of defense I think it's good that that she actually takes hundreds of millions of euros and actually gives them to consulting companies instead of buying material and ammunition for the for the defense I don't know if you know this but a few weeks ago both Macron and Merkel were actually proposing the introduction of a European army and I wrote on Twitter I think this is a good idea but please use German Sunday it needs to be it needs to be very low in financing it should never be able to take off and somebody answered I unfortunately forgot but it was a great answer imagine it is a war and no one can go there this is a play on a German pun sorry about that what what other things can the army do that police can't do so there's a humanitarian approach to just flood the the inner cities and there's another thing we could just build schools next to a side of a of an of an attack which is just a moment of confusion for the attackers no one would take care of that so then then another thought and I thought it was kind of weird and I realized that Hosseo for a Bavarian politician is still part of the government and server that okay what is this we give a face to crisis yeah we give a face to the crisis what can I talk about in a world where there's so much crisis where Donald Trump is the president what what is it that I as a satirical person as a comedian can actually add to this and two years ago the party which is the party actually asked me to become there the candidate so I thought that's a great idea so during the the last federal election I I was actually asked to be there the nominee and this this is what showed up a journalist was asking me which crisis and I said yeah which crisis isn't there in my opinion there's no no part of our society that isn't currently in a crisis for example all the major parties are in a crisis especially a crisis of gaining new members this is the average age of all the party members so the the greens are actually one of the youngest members and then it just goes up up to a up to an age of 64 there's there's literally dead people in their in their register I don't even know why we actually need a a specific sub-organization of the party for the for the senior citizens someone's asking a question this also shows that the party the satirical party is the future with an average age of 34 it's named in the same sentence as the AFD that's because both parties have roughly the same number of members but AFD members die sooner another campaign poster non-voters vote for I wanted to to reach the largest group of of voters in Germany the non-voters I thought there was a gap in the market there I had a campaign spot that was shown directly before the before the evening news and my approach approach was to convince people that if they don't care who sits in parliament why not elect somebody who doesn't care either this is a screenshot from that campaign video I also considered to to found a stay in bed movement in response to sarah wagenknecht's rise up movement but I couldn't I couldn't bring myself to do it yet but this campaign video was the most shared campaign video ever in social media but somebody commented that that's not surprising because it's also the one with the the most actual claims I am actually liked campaigning and I wondered when I could do that do that the next time and I found out that there's a European election on the 26th of May next year and I asked Martin Sonneborn who's already in the European Parliament if I could get the spotter on the list below him so second second place on the list and he said he all right there's a nothing decided yet I think a week before the election we shall start campaigning and the idea is to have a European campaign on the American model and this is a preliminary draft I'm going to try the slogan I'm going to try it here maybe if it if you like it a possible slogan would be strengthen Europe week in Germany my personal approach is that I would like to become president of the commission and if I become president of the commission I will I would establish democracy in Europe against against the will of the citizens if I have to let's talk about my next subject drug politics I don't know how you feel but I had to spend Christmas with my family and and as always I am I I wondered why I had to do that sober and then I realized oh I don't I can I can use incense mirror and alcohol to to get drunk alcohol is but alcohol is highly risky so why can't I be under the influence of a drug that makes me relaxed or maybe that one that makes me fall in love with my family the answer is obvious because it's because drug politics in Europe is being made by alcoholics let's do a little quiz quiz and compare two drugs substance a is changes the state of consciousness has a hundred one point eight million addicted people and is responsible for seventy four thousand deaths per year substance be is also a state also alters the state of consciousness has three hundred thousand people addicted and zero deaths per year yes alcohol is the winner it's legal while cannabis is prohibited and if you look at the last row of this chart you also understand why personally I don't understand it in protest of this irrational drug politics I take drugs myself why mainly illegal drugs of course but it would be more rational not to take any drugs at all but humans aren't rational humans drive car while tired they play golf and they smell the finger that they just used to scratch their private parts that's the level on which humans actually work humans have always taken drugs even animals that have access to narcotics use them there's a clear need to switch off the light up there for every now and then the the question of whether or not there should be drug dealing is a silly question the clever question is who should who should run the sale of drugs and it can either be criminals or the state but I have been told more than once there might be an intersection there let's look at both questions who would profit from benefit from legalizing all drugs firstly the economy because drug selling drugs creates creates jobs and that should actually that should really win me the debate in Germany but as an anchor I'm going to keep I'm going to carry on the legal system and politics what the police would also benefit because they could spend their time on more important things consumers would also benefit because they would no longer get dodgy stuff but actually stately actually but real drugs controlled controlled by the state the state would would also benefit from more taxes more money hurray but who would profit from carrying on as before it's criminals but those opposed to legalization say I'm confused by change we've never done that before no no no no the year is 2018 and in Germany and I mean the and the question how can how can we obtain how can we obtain money the the easy way to to money is is inheriting and another way to become rich is being born earlier had I been born 30 years earlier I would be much better off and there are three arbitrary facts here in 1987 people finished their studies at 28 in western Germany and in 2017 people finished at 24 this is a huge difference that's been that was caused by the Bologna reforms in 1987 people had protections against being fired and 30 years ago the the pensions were safe and today death inheriting death inheriting and it's very close together in German one of the big questions about the democracy is that the parents is going to determine what politics is going to happen and that the party is going to decide what's going to happen and that's 15 percent of the voters and then they are actually taking care of it and the current average life expectation in Germany is 81 years old and this comes from that they started from boarding it and they are allowed to vote when once they're 18 years old now until 63 years old you're allowed to vote and up and then once they're above 63 they're like to say like hey just be happy you're still allowed to live just like anchor and currently it comes like there is another older gentleman coming to me that that all of the ages are going to be discriminated that they have those discriminated numbers that this is not actually going to like all of their years are the satyrs are actually just sitting around and it didn't say anything anymore well it's somehow it's about it's somehow fitting to the feeling so i'm going to present present another text about marriage my um my friend my girlfriend is like my vacationer house but i don't have occasional health and marriage is about high and raten in german and that's why it's about high and guessing i found in the um actually all of the weddings if they could if they could be liable to each other for the next 50 years and then they say okay five years is okay for me i'm also okay for the stress that um during the wedding to be honest during this wedding there's actually no i have the feeling that every month i'm being invited to weddings and i had to realize that most of my uh my friends don't actually have cool parties but they're actually doing more like estate receptions and it seems that their aim is to add another facet to their own search for perfection they're not marrying each other but they're actually marrying the other couples i'm giving an example from a wedding that i set on in on the sidelines they had an invitation that had its own logo and then there was 18 hours in a in a castle there was a dress code women with hats if you hadn't lost interest in the whole thing you could still see the whole history of the couple on a home page if the if the presentation has to be this nice and there's something that has to be wrong with the couple they actually did a whole photo series on the website i don't even know how they did it i mean maybe maybe they just hired the the photographer in advance and then actually started dating they even had a photo of their first date where they got to know each other how is that supposed to have happened one of the two actually had to have the plan in advance before even going to the first date just to take out the camera and then ask the other guy would it be okay if i take a photo now for our wedding home page the last photo in that series was from their engagement on the valentines day in venice i wouldn't even be able to get to grips with that kind of series if they actually keep going from their s far from their first fight from their first unfaithfulness from their first divorce basically it's a storyline that would be fitting of a of a daily soap where after half a year you don't even know who's together with whom anymore i didn't just think that i wrote that to them among comedians we have a saying you'd rather lose a good friend than a good punchline well they were only acquaintances so i'm starting to realize anyway that it's getting harder and harder for me to have an an actual relationship with other people to have a new friendship i recently had a talk with another lady during a party she told me that she was working at a at the german bank and so the dutch bank and basically i told her yeah well no use talking to you anymore several acquaintances of mine were basically stepping in and saying to her yeah he doesn't actually mean that and i reaffirmed that yeah i do mean that it kind of caused a bit of tension i i have a fine sense for that other people would have done a joke about that in order to basically make the situation a little easier but i started crying just to make the situation even more tense i'm actually i have a very hard time dealing with social things like um other situations i i got a a card introducing a new baby after birth and do you know the situation where they give the child a really strange name that is this really odd and you can't really tell them congratulations because it wouldn't be fitting so i thought about it for half a year and told them yeah good luck well with some topics i know i'm basically on the wrong side of the story but i i can't help myself i know i should be more tolerant but i really can't recently someone told me the 11th of march that's your your zodiac sign is fishes and i told him shop so i i added further that yeah fishes are really a very aggressive sign you know if against my best interest i actually take up on the offer to go to a wedding and i'm usually very very offended and there's this sorry recently applied for private insolvency it would be so nice if you could buy your way out of these but you have to actually collaborate because there's always somebody who has the tragic idea of making a funny wedding video or you may be employed as a as an editor for the wedding newspapers if i ever marry i'm going to do it out of revenge and i will allow i will make my my invities do everything here's here's the address of the local hardware store you have one week do your best of course i'm on all of these dating websites but nobody falls in love with me every every 11th minute once every 11 minutes and what i find so incredible is that everything is contradictory for example in private i'm against slavery there's no there's no good way of finishing that sentence but in private i'm against slavery but nearly everything i wear on my body on my body was produced under conditions similar to slavery but also in my my job is a contradiction i can live from my criticism of capitalism i can i i i own a living with my criticism of capitalism and i get invited more and more to company parties to uh lighten the mood at the company um all of these invitations are insulting to me but i did i said yes by accident once it was um together with other people and after after afterwards somebody came up to me and told me your your talk was the best by far because nobody else managed to catch the the mood of the company as well as you did no matter where i look i am i end up in dead ends i recently downloaded a program for unzipping files but it was uh inside a zip file who does that kind of thing you look younger on uh older photos it's banal but it still gets to me wikipedia says expert experts are people who know a lot um on a certain subject but experts also tell me not to trust wikipedia so i'm i'm never sure what to believe in i'm i'm i'm completely confused and all of these are harmless examples compared to what's inside me my internal conflicts are really huge i often i often uh i often spend an entire debate looking forward to the moment when i can uh when i can go and rank off i mean on the one side we're driven by our by our desires but also we're also capable of intelligent thought but um you always get back to your to your deepest desire and then you go for a shit i like the reactions at this stage one part is the relief ones who say other people or other people shit too and group two are those who say no i never go for a shit and like both reactions because they show that we in our neoliberal society of bullshit are embarrassed by our being okay we um shave off all the hair we think it's discussing when somebody farts and you could take a more relaxed approach and uh congratulate somebody on being alive and even once you have decided to to keep optimizing yourself and becoming a machine because that's the uh that's the goal of the neoliberal bullshit thingy it's uh becoming a machine and making it's making our self more perfect but even in this optimization process there are contradictions it's um people often say be a good person and uh have a career but which of those should i do be yourself lose weight and that's uh that's the message that sums up the message of women's papers like uh be yourself asterisk minus 20 kilos listen to your desires but behave yourself within myself i am i often i never know if i should be myself or be a machine and this conflict um happens in everyday life as well for example when my smartphone says i'm going to update i say no thanks and it says it updates anyway or captures online where you are supposed to pick the tiles that contain traffic lights or bridges you know what i'm talking about i play that for half an hour sometimes how many uh how many times do you have to play it to advance the next level oh nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine times all right thank you and i think this is uh this is uh this is so insulting why do i have to prove to the machine that i'm not a machine i think this is one level below machines keeping us as pets it's what we do with dogs we let them do tricks and then they get a treat and that's what the machine does with captcha as well go look for the tile find the tile oh well done who's a good human and then you get a you get a reward and i have to pay or um when i take my bottles back to the supermarket to get my deposit back and i try to return my bottles and the machine tells me that i um put it in the wrong way i lose it and think come on you have an IQ IQ of zero but then again who's the expert of bottles and uh at some point i call the call call an employee from the supermarket to mediate this conflict and then he puts it into the machine and tells me that i probably inserted it the wrong way and i have no idea how i can how i can leave from that experience with my head held high i sometimes drive a car to gigs and i noticed that cars don't really need you anymore either they just watched you all the time the entire time recently a car told me that uh it had detected tiredness so while still on the motorway i moved to the back bench and to have a nap but the car didn't like that either and called me back to the driver's seat so i opened the windows and got an ecotip that had that informed me of increased air resistance and to ask asked me to close the windows so um i uh but i refused to accept an ecotip from a Volkswagen car and then i closed the windows again i uh often asked if uh you if you wanted the funny end or the sad end but these days i go for simply the end i think the next talk is tomorrow at 10 30 so we have a few hours but uh i don't want us to run out of memory or run out of internet because i've already thought about internal conflicts i would like to admit something at the end of this demotivational workshop that's that i'm terrible in bed and i don't think i no longer think of this as a bad thing because being bad in bed means that you have had sex i'm sensitive and sex in my in my life is not self-evident it's more of a more an act of of of encouragement but i would like to have a threesome because it would give me the opportunity to disappoint two people at once every time i watch porn i think that that's not the way life really is but that's the same thing i think in everyday life for example when i watch advertising when i'm on instagram when i get a wedding invitation when i read job offers job offers really make me wonder from which parallel universe they came live your passions selling screws or live the adventure of controlling good luck but of course we're we're surrounded by um by a fakery and it's it's it's it's it's very natural living beings try to get advantages for themselves but we live we compete with with seven billion other humans on this planet and of course that gives you a huge pressure to succeed and i think to lighten that pressure we need to learn to deal with defeat and i would like a u-porn of defeat where people where people don't climax that sums up my last past five sexual encounters quite nicely there are more options turning off the other person so much that it has to be has to end falling asleep having an argument that happened to me recently um i just stopped because i couldn't handle the pressure anymore i also wondered if i could if i could end this workshop with a strange gag like that about my defeat in bed and i thought yep because that's what interests me enlightenment and politics and my defeat in bed why should i pretend at this stage it reminds me of a gay guy it reminds me of a gay guy did it's there there's just three minutes left no more punch lines it reminds me of a gay guy did two years ago i was in a psychiatric clinic as a a birthday guest at that clinic turned 20 and i've rarely felt so welcome before me i had a professor about uh psych of psychiatry who thought we had a huge problem in society because we no longer live in a society of um sorry in this new uh society of success the image is the all important thing in order to to appear successful you have to show your strength you have to hide your weaknesses and you actually have to hide your uh your sicknesses your diseases and otherwise you may lose your job or at least run the risk of it you just have to pretend this pressure to succeed this will have the very bitter effect in the end that people think that they're the only ones who are having a bad time and that everybody else is doing fine i don't want to live in a society like this this is one of the reasons why i'm talking about my own failures and problems on this stage and at the end of this demotivational workshop i want to to motivate you to do the same thing with your neighbor here in the audience and talk to him this is how you failed respect for that thanks a lot for this a lack of information and here are four and a half thousand information technicians no wonder that half of us are depressed by the opponent i can all please i want to do something against depression and against those people who are really bad many of them sit under us i can all please have the depression done and listen to someone the story would be heard where he is right now and help him to take the first step to stand up briefly and all the others simply look up to see that these people have the chance to find a person and talk to this congress so everyone who would talk to someone who has gone through depression all those who have an open ear for you please stand up i hope you have someone out i hope you talk to them because we want you not to lose either we are all the congress we are all a community and now at the end please again a huge trample and applause for nico senfraud