 A package of Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget to change. You never guessed, but Avalons cost you less. So long. Welcome to Avalon Time with greetings from Red Foley and the entire company. To start the show tonight, we'd like to present the only man in radio who wears suits with a built-in chest, Red Skelton. OK. Thanks a lot, everybody. Hello, there, microphones. Hello, there, Skelton. Oh. I heard I mentioned you three times in a song today. What song was that? Tramp, tramp, tramp, the boys are marches. Oh, I'm a tramp, huh? Maybe that's why all my friends, when I take a trip, wish me a bum voyage. Oh, by the way, I have a special news bulletin, ladies and gentlemen, New York City, New York. Grover Whalen suffers from a slight nervous breakdown. He's been working two years on a jigsaw puzzle. He got it together. It was the San Francisco World Fair. I was out in San Francisco World Fair. Oh, I had a lot of fun out there. The only thing was cold. In fact, the weather was so cold, well, they were serving hot dogs with mustard-colored sweaters. Sally Rand walked up to one of her girls, and she says, listen, if you want to stay in this nude ranch, you'll have to take off those blue tights. Girls, they're not blue tight. I'm cold. Boy, is that fairground big. I walked around so much, when I got through, my socks looked like spat. What happened to that gag? I read. I've got a confession to make. Before they program it on the air tonight, I tipped the studio audience off on that gag. You thought it was so good, we thought we'd play a trick on you. Well, for a minute, I thought I'd have to get a new writer. Again, but I had a lot of fun. We walked into the Hall of Science, and just you walk, this one's safe, isn't it? You walk into the door at the Hall of Science. They have a scaler that talks. Del King got on it and says, you weigh 160 pounds. I got on it and says, you weigh 180 pounds. Phil Davis, our August leader, got on it and says, one at a time, please. I've got another machine there. Oh, I'm telling you, it's marvelous. You drop a dollar in it and get a husband. But my brother has one at the New York World Fair that's going to top that. You drop a husband in it and get a dollar. Really a lot of fun out there, though. We walked into the art building. And just as you walk in, there's a big statue of a guy there. He's got one arm knocked off. His eyes gouged down, and his nose is punched in, and his legs bent. Underneath it says, victory. I hate to see the guy that lost, no? The San Francisco World Fair, one thing nice about it, though, you won't have to be worried about pickpockets. You'll never get a crook that close to Alcatraz. I like it standing here and telling gags all night about the World Fair, but my allotted time has expired. I got that line off my insurance policy. Phil Davis and the boys will play Honolulu. Hit it, Phil. Millions of people. And still save three to five cents on every pack. Why pay more? Avalons give me more for my money. And friends, why don't you switch to Avalons and get more for your money? Get finest quality cigarettes for three to five cents less than other popular priced brands, yes? Three to five cents less. And you can be absolutely certain. Avalons are highest quality. Make no mistake about that. Their 100% union made from the world's finest Turkish domestic tobaccos blended with rare skill by experts to give you the utmost in true smoking pleasure. An extra smooth, pleasantly mild, delightfully enjoyable smoke. That's why you'd never guess they cost you less. In fact, you could want no finer quality cigarettes regardless of price, regardless of brand. What more could you possibly demand? Superfine tobaccos, a truly superior blend at a real saving. With all this to gain, surely Avalons are worth a trial. The next time, ask for Avalons and save the difference. Singing star of Avalon time, Red. Howdy, Del, howdy, folks. And howdy, Red Skelton. Hello there, Red Foley. Hey, you look a little downhearted, Skelton. What's the matter? Oh, I don't know. Del King tells my gags before the broadcast. Just a few minutes ago, I saw my girl with another fella. So I went down the river to end it all. When I got down there, it was frozen over. Saw it when I skated instead. Why, my eyes? I like old Doc Boom-Ha. Yes, sir. That's the glory of love, man. How about singing that song, Red, as if though you wasn't? Oh, that's it. Got to give a little, take a little, and let your poor heart raise the story of, that's the glory of love. Now, that's the story of, that's the glory of. We've got the word, we've got each other's song. Now, that's the story of, that's the glory of. Surely a happy man, because of the many slaps on the back. We now take you to the office of Slap Happy Skelton. Let's listen. Oh, I'm a happy man. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Say, you know, Mr. Well, I have a very mellow voice. Mellow? I'd say it was rotten. Yeah. You won't insult me after I tell you of my good fortune. This morning I found a diamond ring in the bathtub. A diamond ring? What did you do? Put the diamond in my pocket and wipe the ring out. Sir, the chief of police in Vincance gave me that one. Should have given him 20 years for that, yeah? Ah, Vincance, nothing's changed. I was down there last week, nothing's changed. Main street's the same as it always was. Nothing's changed. 15 years ago, I ran the street, sir. I was just a little punk. And nothing's changed. I wish I was in Vincance tonight. There's a big celebration right at this very minute, 160 years ago, on February the 25th, 1779, George Rogers Clark captured Fort Sackville in Vincance that opened the gateway to the Middle West. Gee, I'm getting to sound like Major Bowles. How do you know so much about history? I know plenty about history. I'll tell you something I bet you didn't know. Christopher Columbus was a Democrat. Ah. No kidding, he must have been. His project was financed by the government. Shoes shine, Mr. Skelton? Yeah, I think I will have a shine there, Estophanies. What are you going to charge me, nickel? A nickel? Ain't anybody shining those big shoes of yours for a nickel with white wash of bone for a quarter? Well, I'd give you more, but you'd only take it out and buy a drink. Oh, no, not me. I'd take it home and give it to my mama. You do? Yeah, you'll see. We just had another blessed event in our family. Yeah, what is it, a boy or a girl? What else could it be? She got you on that one yesterday. I got to remember that. How did that go again? We haven't got time to go back. Oh, I'd soon like to tell that to my brother and my sister. How many are there in your family? Well, there's 19 of them. Yeah, the stock visits our house quite frequently. Visits, huh? He lives there. Come on, now, get started on these shoes here. Come on. Well, you see, usually on the job of this sort, I guess a retainer. A retainer, huh? There's a nickel. Go ahead. That Indian show don't take the daylight. Look at him blink his eyes. Now, you don't mind. I'll just take these shoes down the basement. I do much better job when it takes my time. OK, but don't take too much time now. It's raining out, and I don't want to walk home in the rain. Barefooted. Gee, there's a nice fellow. I think I'll have him do a little work for me around here. Here he is, boss. Yeah. What kept you so long, huh? Well, I've been kind of rushed today. That didn't pay off at all, did it, huh? Well, that's speed for you, though, don't you think? I think that guy's put me in the mood to do a little work. I think I'll hang this picture that my grandmother gave me. Picture of me when I was a kid riding on a donkey. Hey, come here, Mr. Lowell. Take a look at this for you. At what? Look, there's a picture of me when I was a kid. Oh, that's cute. But who's that on your back? Nothing but him. Well, come on in there, Professor. How are you, fellow? Close to me with those buck teeth. Boy, you could eat corn at 20 paces, no? How are you tonight, Professor? How are you this evening, Mr. Skelton? Well, that line's not in there, but I think I can answer it if you read it again. Well, how are you this evening, Mr. Skelton? Well, don't worry about me. Let's get gruesome and talk about you. Oh, well. But you really look great tonight, Professor. You have the face of a saint. Oh, thank you. Yeah, a saint benard, no? Well, I suppose another question's got you stumped. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, just the answer. What is hash? Hash? That's a hamburger with a nervous breakdown. Thank you so much. Do you drink milk from contented cows? Yes, I do. But these are drinking from a bottle. Oh, that Professor's a great fellow. He's got a marvelous mind. No kidding. His mind developed so fast that went straight from childhood into second childhood. Shiny shoes, Mr. Yeah, you were just in here. Oh, yeah, that's right. Don't go on it. I just can't tell you white boys apart. And treat the Hoosier comedian that way and Vin Sands. The who? The Hoosier comedian. Fred Allen isn't that. Yeah, well, I'm still Tops and Vin Sands. I'll tell you that right now. Tops and Vin Sands, you come back here blowing off about the Chamber of Commerce, the chief of police, the crowds at the train, and the mayor. I'll bet you don't even know the mayor of Vin Sands. Oh, is that so? Well, I'll call him up and prove it. Hello, get me Mayor Taylor and Vin Sands, will you? What's that? He's calling me. Oh, well. How are you, bud? Bud, that's his maiden name. Yes, bud. Yeah, I had a marvelous time, bud. Yeah, I got the platinum medal, bud. I got the rose, bud. That's marvelous. If I weren't here, I wouldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe what? I wouldn't believe that anybody could talk on a phone that's been disconnected for two weeks. Yes. Yes. Well, about arranging it. Bill Davis said he was wild to play it. We hope you'll be wild about it too. It's that everlasting favorite, I'm just wild about Harry. In 1928 and 1929, it was easy to make money easy to spend it. And then, practically overnight, the crash. Money became scarce. Prices were lowered because we demanded more for our money. The so-called standard price of cigarettes remained about the same. Then something happened. A new cigarette appeared, a price to fit the times. The name, Avalons, highest quality cigarettes, costing three to five cents less than other popular priced brands. And smokers were quick to appreciate this new economy. That's why today, millions upon millions of people are switching to Avalons. Why don't you give them a trial? They're 100% union made from the world's finest tobaccos. With all the high quality you demand in any cigarette, you'd never guess they cost you less. The next time, forget price habit. Give your thrifty judgment a chance. Get your cigarettes for three to five cents less. Ask for Avalon cigarettes. And don't forget your change. You know, Mr. Skelton, if I could have three wishes, first I think I'd wish for some pretty clothes. Oh, you would, huh? Then I'd wish for that seven weeks back salary you owe me. And then you'd wish for three more wishes, yeah. That's right. Say, the way you wish around here, you should have been a lad in Skelton's secretary. That's the guy with the magic lamp. You wanted anything? All you had to do is rub the lamp, make a wish? There you were. Boy, would I like to meet him. Yeah, I can't dig him up just for that. Ah, that was in the good old Arabian day. Yeah, those Arabian nights weren't bad either. Well, Red, listen, suppose I turn back to pages of history so you can tell the story of Aladdin, Skelton, and his magic lamp. OK, Dad. OK, Red. Baghdad, city of dreams on the Tigris River, the time 762. And as we turn the mellow pages of the Skelton saga, we find Aladdin, Skelton, and his secretary approaching Baghdad on a magic carpet. Oh, I'm glad I am Aladdin. Sounds a little flat, but I'm singing an Asia Minor. Just meet it up, just meet it up, just meet it up. Oh, this is swell, Aladdin, Skelton. What kind of a magic carpet is this? This is a transcontinental, 9 by 12. Confidentially, the whole thing's a fake, but it carries me back and forth. So what? Thing even talks. Hey, Rugg, when do you think we'll get into Baghdad? Belly, 7 to 9. I know, it's an Oriental rug. What is that in accidental, uh, accidentally? Yeah, go ahead, find me. There's the Tigris River down there. Yeah. Hello? The Tigris. It roared. Yeah, you'd roar, too, if you had rocks in your bed. Ah, it's good to be home again. Hey, how about rubbing this magic lamp and getting Albuqadaba Grant, the magician? Oh, he's entertainer and a great one, too. Yes, everybody's talking about his famous horse trick. They say he can turn anything into a plug. Yeah. OK, I'll rub the lamp and get it. This guy's from Turkey, so I better make him feel at home and talk to him in his native tongue. Gabba, Gabba, Gabba, Gabba, Gabba, Gabba, Gabba, and Avalon cigarettes. Gabba, Gabba, Gabba, Gabba, Gabba. What in the world is he talking about? I don't know. That guy's 1,000 years ahead of everybody. He said something about the finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos they're found in Avalon cigarettes, huh? Well, rub the lamp and get rid of it. OK. So long, guys. Well, let's see what's happening in the way of news. I'll rub the lamp and get that a la wrenchel. We're Mrs. Asia Minor on all the rugs of Loach. News from across the water. Splash, Alabama Foley and what 40 thieves are on their way to what city to steal what magic lamp from what dope who's sitting in front of me? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, oh, that's news enough for me. Come on, hide that lamp. Where, in the icebox? I don't put it in there. That's the first place that crooked look. Yeah, exactly. What's the matter? Are you afraid of him? Afraid? I'm not afraid. We skip five gags. Let's go back. They're good ones. I'm not as scared of Foley. Why, Foley, I'm even getting mixed up on words now. He was here right now. You know what I'd say to him? What would you say to him? Welcome to Baghdad. Listen, I ain't got any time for socializing. Give me that lamp. What lamp? Listen, if you don't produce that lamp on her, I'm going to give you 40 lations. And that'll teach you a lesson. Yeah. Hey, Alibin Mugsy, hammer that piece of rubber hold. What are you going to do? Beat it out of me? I ain't going to siphon it. Yeah. OK, here's my lamp, gee. And hand over the girl, too. Now, wait a minute. Now, you can take my lamp, but you let my secretary alone. Oh, shut up, Aladdin. Who's doing the robin' round here anyway? Say, Aladdin, I got a feeling that you're going to die. Yeah, what makes you think that? Two of my men got spears pointed at your head. Oh, that did it. Huh? Oh, gee. But before my men rub you out, I'm going to let you rub the lamp. You can have one more wish. OK. Here's the lamp, and I just make one more wish. Oh, see now, oh, I wish, I wish, oh, I wish. Wandering over the face of the earth, writers of music capture melodies that escape less fortunate ears. Red Foley and the Avalon chorus give us one of those beautiful melodies now, when Mother Nature sings her lullaby. Many new hopes are born. Nature sings her lullaby. Let us wonder where the sun is setting, where it's peaceful still. In lighting a deep blue sky, HSA put to fly. The chair of the Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. Honolulu is from the production of the same name. Del King speaking. Good night, everybody. I'm the host of The Nation's Station, and has reached you through the National Broadcasting Company.