 Lucky Strike presents the Jack Benny program, but first here's an important message from the National Tobacco Tax Research Council. Ever stop to think that you cigarette smokers help deliver the United States mail? Fact. The post office has an annual deficit of about $600 million, but you cigarette smokers contribute over three times that deficit in cigarette taxes. Yes, out of every cigarette pack you buy, the federal government takes eight cents a pack, and most state and local governments take three or four cents more. That's better than a 50% tax on every cigarette you smoke. Yes, when you buy cigarettes, over half your packs go for tax. And now the Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike. Do you do that, do that, do that, do you do that, do that? Be happy, go lucky, be happy, get better taste, be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. Friends, tear and compare. See for yourself that luckies are made better to taste better. From a newly opened pack, take a cigarette made by any other manufacturer, carefully tear a thin strip of paper straight down the seam from end to end, and gently remove the tobacco. In tearing, be sure not to loosen or dig into the tobacco. Now, do exactly the same with a Lucky Strike. Then compare. Some cigarettes are too loosely packed, some even fall apart, but look at that lucky. See how it stays together, a perfect cylinder of fine, mild tobacco. Now what does this mean to you as a smoker? It means exactly this. Because your lucky is so round and firm and fully packed, you avoid annoying loose ends that spoil the taste, hot spots that burn harsh and dry. Because your lucky has long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco, it burns evenly, smoke smooth and mild. Yes, tear and compare. Prove to yourself that luckies are made better to taste better. Then make your next carton Lucky Strike. Starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Philaris Rochester, Dennis Dane, yours truly. Ladies and gentlemen, the warm weather is here, so let's go out to Jack Benny's house where we find Jack and Rochester cleaning out the swimming pool. Well, old... Good. Gosh, this pool sure can get dirty in a few months. Maybe it would keep cleaning if it had a tile bottom. Well, I... Or even a cement bottom. Well... In fact, any kind of a bottom would be better than just plain mud. I would cement it, but I'm growing rice in the shallow end. Rochester, when we finish cleaning the pool, I want to transplant some tulips in front of the house. Tulips? Why? Well, Queen Juliana of the Netherlands is going to be in town soon. She'll be staying at the Beverly Hills Hotel, which is just a couple of blocks from here, and she may drop in. Oh, then you met Queen Juliana when you were in Holland. Well, no, Rochester. You see, the day before I arrived in Amsterdam, the Queen had gone to Rotterdam. You see, but her husband, Prince Bernhardt, he's a wonderful fellow. Oh, then you met Prince Bernhardt. Well, no. You see, I went from Amsterdam to Rotterdam, but when I got to Rotterdam, I found out that they had gone back to Amsterdam. You'd have done better if you'd have gone to Boulderdam. I guess so. Now, come on, let's start cleaning the pool. Rochester, go over to the other end, and we'll... Oh, look at that frog over there in the corner. Sure big, Joe. Rochester, help me catch him. Oh, he'd make a cute pet. I'd like to keep him. Anything that's green you'd like to save. Hurry, he's hopping away. Rochester, where'd he go? Where is he? He jumped up on your head, boss. On my head, we'll get him off. Get him off quick. Hold still, I'll get him. Hello, Jack, what's all the excitement? Rochester, get him off. Boss, boss, Miss Livingston's here to tip you a frog. He got away, and I wanted to keep him. Oh, Jack, you've already got a turtle, a lizard, a garter snake, two crickets, and a caterpillar. What do you want all those things for? Well, Mary, it's no fun coming home at night to an empty house, you know. That reminds me the first time we met. Huh? When you leaned over and whispered in my ear, come up to my apartment, honey, and I'll show you my insects. I was a sly one, wasn't I? Say, Mary, how do you like the way I'm fixing up my backyard? Oh, it looks fine. And you know, as soon as the pool is filled, I want you to come over and swim every day. Oh, I'd like to, Jack, but I'm putting all my money into savings bonds. Wait a minute, Mary, I only charge for the upkeep. Upkeep? You charge ten cents for the locker, fifteen cents for a bathing suit, and a quarter for the use of the pool. Well, I don't charge anything for the shower. No, but the price of towels is ridiculous. Rochester? No, Rochester's right. You charge for everything. Five cents for a sun chair, seven cents for a beach umbrella, ten cents for a water wings. Mary? You even got a meter on the diving board. Look, Mary, what are you laughing at? You've got the only swimming pool that's listed on the New York Stock Exchange. Stock Exchange, Stock Exchange. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Mary. Hello, Dennis. Oh, hi, kid. Oh, boy, cleaning out your swimming pool. How you gonna fill it, Mr. Benny? Well, I really wasn't planning to for another week or so. Gee, I wish you'd fill it now. Well... Go ahead, Jack, fill it up. Okay. Rochester, turn the water on. Oh, boy, hot diggity. How long will it take? About a half hour. Now, Dennis, here's the key to the locker. Go in and put on some trunks. Oh, I'm not going swimming. Why do you want me to fill the pool? I'm thirsty. Look, kid, I'm not filling the pool for you to drink. If you want to go swimming, that's different. Well, I'd like to, Mr. Benny, but I can't swim. Well, you can go wading. And up to your neck, it's only 15 cents. I lose a fortune on Gary Cooper. Oh, say, Mary, I knew I had something to tell you. What? You know the song I wrote when you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you? Yeah. Well, Snooki Lanson, the star of the Lucky Strike hit parade, is going to sing it tonight on This Is Show Business. No kidding. That's right. No wonder President Truman isn't going to run again. Dennis. Dennis, what's my song got to do with President Truman? They would have blamed that on him, too. Dennis, instead of being sarcastic about my song, let me hear the one you're going to do on the program. Okay. Oh, hold on. Hey, you over there. Just harvest the rice. Don't eat it. Dennis, sing, would you? If you want to stick around, you can help me fix something. Hey, kid. It's a business. Hey, Jackson? Yep. Say, Phil, would you like your job back again as lifeguard? Not after what happened last year when I fell and nearly drowned. What happened, Phil? Before I could save him, I had to buy a ticket to get in the pool. I can't afford to pay you a lifeguard salary. You can, uh... Hey, Jackson, come over here a minute, will you? I've got something I want to discuss with you. With me? Yeah. Well, look, Jack, I've got a dentist appointment. Now I better be running along. Wait a second, Mary. I'll just see what Phil wants. Oh, all right. What's on your mind, Phil? Well, it's about Bagby, my piano player. What about him? He's leaving my orchestra. No. Bagby's quitting your band? Why? He's going back to his old job. His old job? What was that? Professor of psychology at Heidelberg. Phil, you mean to stand there with that bottle in your hand and tell me that Bagby, your piano player, used to be a professor of psychology? Are you kidding? He's got one of the most brilliant minds in the country. You ought to see his degrees. He's got his A-B, M-A, L-L-B, P-H-D, and his S-Q-C-T-F. S-Q-C-T-F? What's that? San Quentin, class of 34. He was voted the alumnus most likely to come back. Phil? For a while, we thought he was going to graduate magna cum gas chamber. What are you worried about? You can get somebody to replace Bagby. Yeah, but that ain't what bothers me, Jackson. It's his piano and he's going to take it with him. For heaven's sake, can't you get another piano? Not one that makes ice cubes. Ice cubes? When you press the foot pedals, you get draft beer. I wondered why that piano said Stein instead of Steinway. Well, Phil? Jack, I've got to be going. I'll be late for the dentist. Wait a minute, Mary. I'll go with you. I haven't had my teeth cleaned in a long time. Okay. Phil, I'll discuss this with you later. Okay, Jackson. So long. So long. Come on, Mary. Let's go. I'm not going anywhere with you. It'll take that frog off your head. Is he still there? Get off. Get off. Okay, Mary. Let's go. Hey, Mr. Benny, was that a frog on your head? Yes. Gee, I thought your toupee was winking at me. Well, it wasn't. Come on, Mary. Let's go. Mary, which office is your dentist in? Oh, he's way down at the end of the... Say, Jack, isn't it Don Wilson coming out of that office? Well, yes. And he's got the quartet with him. Hey, Don. Don. Well, hello, Jack. Hello, Mary. Hello, Don. I didn't expect to see you here. I took the sportsman to see my dentist. Oh, yes. Hello, fellas. Don, what's the matter with them? They all had to have a tooth pulled. Don. Don. The four of them had to have a tooth pulled at the same time? That's right. I've never seen a quartet like that in my life. They all have coals at the same time. They have headaches at the same time. Measles at the same time. Yeah, now they're going home. It's their children's birthday. Each one had a tooth pulled, eh? Yes, Jack. And in that condition, I don't think they'll be able to do the commercial on the show. Well, why not? Well, look at Marty's jaw. It's all swollen, and he sings the lead. But, Don, we have to have a commercial. I know, Jack, but with Marty's jaw swollen, people won't be able to tell what he's singing about. Well, let him try it and find out. Go ahead, fellas. Let me hear it now. So lie to lucky. You'll enjoy your lucky strike. It's true. Bring us home. You lie to lucky. You'll enjoy it, but it's true. Lucky strike. It's better tasting. No losing. It is pretty bad, Don. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Lucky strike is the one you will like. Ask any of... I didn't sound so bad. Maybe Marty will feel better by the time they have to do it on the show. Well, I hope so. Goodbye, kids. My dentist's office is down at the end of the hall. Oh, yes. I hope he can take me, too. While I'm getting mine cleaned, it wouldn't hurt me to have them checked for cavities. Well, here we are. May I help you, people? Yes, nurse. I have an appointment with Dr. Foster. I'm Mary Livingston. Oh, yes. You're just in time. Go right in the first office on your left. Miss, while I'm here, I want to find out about my teeth. Yes, sir. When did you leave them? No, I'd like Dr. Foster to examine them. Well, Dr. Foster has no appointments open. However, Dr. Nelson has a cancellation. I'm sure he can take you. Well, good, good. I'll have to get some information first. Your name? Jack Benny. Occupation? Violinist. Oh! Yes, I heard one of your concerts last summer. Oh, from the stage at the Philharmonic? No, from the diving board of your swimming pool. Hmm. Now your age, please. Well, uh... How old would you guess me to be? Twenty-eight? No. I'm a little older than that. Guess again. Sixty-one. Information, miss. I happen to be thirty-nine. Yes, old. You'll have to wait a few minutes. Dr. Nelson is busy. You can sit right there and wait. Oh, thank you. Oh, excuse me. Hi, Rube. I haven't seen you for a long time. Well, I don't get to town much anymore. Are you still living in, uh, Calabasas? No. Couldn't stand the nightlife, so I moved to a smaller place. You live in a smaller place than Calabasas? How big is it? Well, when four kids play ring around the rosy, they circle the town. Well, that's really a small town. You ain't kidding, Rube. They had to widen the street to put the white line down the middle. Hey, that's pretty good. By the way, I saw your last television show. You make a good-looking woman. Well, thanks, but I don't intend to dress like that again. You ought to. You ain't nothing the way you are. Look, mister, I only sat down here... Dr. Nelson, we'll see you now, Mr. Benny. Thank you. So long, Rube. Goodbye, goodbye. Mr. Benny. Thank you. Oh, Doctor, I'd like to have... Don't tell me you have a toothache. No, no, I don't have a toothache at all. I only want... Just sit down and leave the rest to me. But, Doctor, all I want is... Doctor, why are you strapping me in this chair? Well, the last time I pulled a tooth, I yanked too hard and threw the patient out the window. Oh, my goodness, did the tooth come out? All of them, he hit a fireplace. Now, look, Doctor, I don't need an extraction. All I want you to do is examine my teeth. Yes, very well, very well. Open your mouth, please. Ah. Neither. Ah. Neither, so I can look way back. Ah. Better do something about that appendix. And now just hold still and I'll complete the examination. Excuse me, Doctor. Oh, yes, nurse. J. Howard McGrath is here from Washington. Oh, to have his teeth cleaned. No sharpened. He wants to bite someone. Well, I'm busy right now. And, nurse, send in my technician. I have to make an x-ray. Yes, Doctor. And now, Mr. Benny, before my technician comes in, I just want to make one final check. Open your mouth. Uh, Doctor. Doctor, why are you spinning my pivot tooth? I used to be a disc jockey. A disc jockey? And now I'd like to dedicate this next tooth for Billy, Mervin, Manny, Jesse, and all the boys at Hickey's Bar and Happy Birthday to Jenae. Now, cut that out. Look, I just came here for a... Hey, you sent for me, Doctor. I have a patient here who requires an x-ray. Oh, very well. You operate the camera and I'll swing the chair around so you'll get a good picture. Is that the technician? He looks like a frog I met this morning. He's my x-ray man, and he's made some very good dental pictures. If perhaps you've seen them, they played all the neighborhood theaters. Dental pictures? Yes. Sorry, wrong molar. What? David and Bicuspid? Look, Doctor. And the latest one with Montgomery Clift, a space in the gum. I'm saying, look, Doctor, I haven't got all day. If your man is going to take this x-ray, let him take it. I'm going to take the picture. He's going to direct it. Direct it? Yeah. Now, tilt your head back, Mr. Benny, and on cue, open your mouth, raise your tongue, press it over toward your right cheek, smile. Look, and what's going on? Lights, camera, roll them! Doctor! Don't move! We're trying for an Academy Award! The quarter was a simple examination. I have the picture, Doctor. I'll have it developed in a minute. Good. Hey, Mr. Benny, while we're waiting, just sit back and relax. Thank goodness. You come in. Uh, should I sing now, Doctor? Yes, Miss Burnett. Sing? Doctor, what is this? A floor show. We can't afford magazines. What? A floor show? When you're suing, huh? The frog sounded better. I beg your pardon, and I'll come back to you. Now, the results of the x-ray, Doctor. Let me see. Oh, yes, a wonderful picture. Doctor, what is it show? Just a moment, just a moment. According to this x-ray, you have an abscess. An abscess? Yes, it's sort of a pocket. Gee. It's nothing to be alarmed about. Finding a little pocket under a tooth is very common. Although yours is unusual. Why? It has money in it. Doctor, if you think I'm going to stay in this chair. Now, now, settle down. It'll only take a minute. Oh, nurse. Yes? Grab the patient by the hair and hold his head back. Yes, Doctor. Whoops. Well, and grabbing by the ear. I'm a nation. That's all. Doctor, I want to have a word with you. Excuse me. Really? Are you sure? Yeah. Then you'd better help me. Nurse, hand me my forceps. Forceps? Novocane. Novocane. Flaps? Swabs? Shwobs? birds? Birds. Strait chisel? Strait chisel? Drill? Kote? Hat? Hat? Suitcase? Suitcase. Doctor! Doctor, what are you doing? Allese's up. We're moving. What? Come on, nurse. Doctor. Doctor, let me out of this chair. Doctor Nelson. Doctor Nelson, don't leave me alone. When you're asleep- Nearest Easter gift of all, nursery centers and many other things that are needed so give and give generously to the Easter seal agency in your community or send your contribution to crippled children care of your local post office. Thank you. Friends you can tear and compare and see with your own eyes how luckies are made better to taste better from a newly opened pack take a cigarette made by any other manufacturer carefully tear a thin strip of paper straight down the seam from end to end and gently remove the tobacco in tearing be sure not to loosen or dig into the tobacco now do exactly the same with a lucky strike then compare you'll see some cigarettes are so loosely packed they fall apart others have air spaces hot spots that burn harsh and dry but you won't find that in a lucky look at that perfect cylinder of fine mild tobacco so free of annoying loose ends that spoil the taste notice those long strands of fresh clean good tasting tobacco so firmly packed to smoke smooth and even giving you a milder better tasting cigarette yes friends tear and compare prove to yourself that luckies are made better to taste better then make your next carton lucky strike bum bum bum be happy go lucky go lucky strike today oh hello jack oh hello mary how things go at the dentist what a crazy dentist i came in he says how do you do as a crazy x-ray man he has a girl singing songs in the office he makes movies well if it's that bad why don't you change dentists no i think i'll just change writers good night folks lucky strike product of the american tobacco company america's leading manufacturer of cigarettes this is don wilson reminding you to listen to your hit parade with gail ambardo and for the facilities of the armed forces radio service stay tuned for the amazon andy show which follows immediately is the cbs radio