 Hi everybody. Thanks so much for giving the time to listen to this recording. My name is Casey Seekman. I'm currently a software engineer and instructor at Prime Digital Academy. One of my responsibilities as an instructor is to teach my students how to code, but a bigger part of my job is effectively communicating with them and showing them how to effectively communicate with one another. To help me with this, I've read a ton of books, listened to TED Talks, listened to podcasts, watched countless YouTube videos, read articles, but something that has also really helped me other than just reading is being able to apply these things to my real life, in my personal life or my work life. And I've been able to filter out what has worked for me and I'm here to share those items with you. So I'm going to share with you a concept that started my journey into understanding communication better and has had a big impact on me and my interactions with others. I even got my undergrad degree in communications, and I didn't really learn any of this stuff in college. This is all just kind of on my own because it was something that interested me. So this is definitely something that anybody can pick up and learn on their own time without having to be formally taught. So if you are here, hopefully that means you are interested in learning some good communication skills, some better communication skills and focusing on that. And that right there is already hugely important and powerful. Just the fact that you are willing and able to take a look at yourself and try to better yourself is something that's really admirable and something hopefully you can kind of spread around to others around you with your effective communication. So back to nonviolent communication. To quote an article, the key assumptions and intentions of NVC, they sum it up really nicely of what it is. NVC is based on the assumption that all human beings have the capacity for compassion and empathy and that people only resort to violence or behavior harmful to others when they do not recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs. So if you are here for a quick tip on how to solve all your communication needs with one easy saying, this is not quite the talk for you, learning how to be more effective at communicating, especially using nonviolent communication, takes quite a bit of work and it takes a lot of internal work. We have to start with ourselves. It doesn't even start with how you communicate with others. It's how you communicate with yourself. So it requires a deep dive into understanding ourselves first and analyzing our thoughts and feelings so that we can understand what needs are being met and what needs of ours are not being met and how that makes us feel and how we react to that because that is going to change the way we communicate with others. Once we have that information, we're able to collaborate with others to develop strategies and then make requests of others to help meet those needs. NVC is a guide that helps us kind of reframe how we express ourselves and how we hear others. I can only hope to pique your interest today because obviously we only have about a half hour here and so that'll just kind of scratch the surface of what NVC and other communication skills are available to us. So I'll be kind of presenting these new tools to you but it's up to you to grab one of those, put it in your tool belt and kind of I'm trying to think of like a thing to invest in your tools, polish it up, sharpen it, sharpen that tool. So it's going to be up to you to put it in the work and really focus on yourselves and pay attention to your communication. So to help pique your interest I'm going to break things down into the four categories of nonviolent communication and then I'm going to follow up with a couple other strategies that we can add on now to the nonviolent communication. So the first thing, the first part of nonviolent communication is observation, which is the concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being. The most important thing here is that these observations can't have any evaluation impressed upon them. It has to be just a straight up observation. This right here, if you're interested in anything after this talk, if you want to put time into anything, this is a great thing to put time into because it is harder than it sounds. I was just looking to see if I have the book close but I think it's in my office but even in the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg when he was told about this learning how to observe without putting on evaluations as soon as he heard that he remembers thinking to himself that's so stupid and so he right then and there he impressed his own values upon the statement of you needing to learn how to observe without evaluation. So it was kind of a funny anecdote that right off the bat he had just impressed his own evaluation on it and the thing about that is that it brings our own morals and ethics and judgment into what we are seeing instead of just being able to straight up see or hear what is presented we're already impressing our own thoughts upon it which changes the meaning of what we're observing. The second part of nonviolent communication is feelings, how we feel in relation to what we observe. This right here also takes a lot of work because I think especially in our culture in the U.S. we don't have a lot of, we don't focus on our feelings a lot. It's kind of seen as selfish to look inward and spend time with ourselves and really evaluate ourselves and we don't, there are words out there but we don't use a lot of words to express our feelings. We're happy, we're sad, we're mad, disappointed, angry but what kind of happy are you? Are you jubilant? Are you giddy? Are you excited? Are you gleeful? Are you just wide awake and buzzing? You know, like happy is kind of an umbrella term and it doesn't really get to what you're actually feeling. When you're sad, what do you mean by sad? What is causing you to feel sad? Are you lonely? Are you not feeling well? Are you disappointed in yourself? What kind of sad are you? If you aren't able to really dig down into how you're feeling, it's going to be hard for you to express yourself to others so that they can help you. If I'm sad, that doesn't really tell you a lot of, it doesn't really give you a lot to go on. If you want to help me and I just tell you I'm sad, what does that mean? I could be anxious, I could be depressed, I could be lonely, disappointed, guilty feeling. There are a lot of different ways that somebody could feel sad and so the more specific you get, the more others will be able to help you and the more specific you get with yourself, the more you'll be able to realize what needs are not being met and what you need to do to get those needs met. In the book along with that anecdote, there's also just like four pages, two or four pages. I can't remember because it's either one full page for good feelings, one full page for bad feelings or it's two full pages for each. I can't remember but there are just like pages of words to describe our feelings and it's a lot of stuff we would never use in our everyday conversations so kind of starting to build those words into our vocabulary can be super helpful for expressing ourselves. The third part of nonviolent communication are needs. You've been hearing me talk about unmet needs. We resort to this kind of violent communication when our needs are being met so now we have observed, we have our feelings and we have now we're figuring out the needs that aren't being met that lead to that. So needs are the needs, values, desires, etc that create our feelings and so you kind of work backwards a little bit here because you want to identify your feelings first so that you can get to the need that is not being met or is being met. If you're feeling jubilant, gleeful, proud, you're able to kind of track that back to see what need was being met that made you feel that way or if you're feeling sad, depressed, anxious, disappointed, lonely, you can identify that feeling and then start to trace it back to what caused that, what need was not being met that caused you to feel this way. And the last part of nonviolent communication is requests, the concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives. Once you have been able to identify your feelings and the needs that have caused those feelings, you're now better equipped to now outwardly communicate. Here's the final moment when we're actually communicating with others instead of just consuming information, analyzing ourselves, we're now able to communicate with others now that we have that information. So once we get to that point, we're able to make requests that are actually going to help us and that we can specify and correctly state so that others can actually help us instead of being like, I'm just sad, you know, that doesn't give the other person a lot to go on. That doesn't, if they want to help you, human beings love to help each other, it's inherent. We want to help. And when we can't help somebody, it kind of tends to make us shut down. So the more specific we can be with our requests, the more likely we are to get the help that we need and to get the needs met that make us feel good. So NVC allows us to connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. I can say that it has impacted me the most in being able to understand my own feelings. Like if it sounded like I was really passionate about understanding yourself, that's because that's the biggest thing that has happened for me. I used to feel like I was being controlled by my emotions and I had such a hard time snapping out of things. I would just sit and stew and just kind of dig my heels in. I viewed things through a very negative filter. If someone didn't respond to my email, it's because they didn't care about me being successful. And if someone was late to dinner, it was because they didn't respect my time. But those feelings, but those were the feelings that I was impressing onto those events. Those were just events. Someone was late to dinner. Someone didn't respond to my email. And that quickly, I told myself a story. I impressed my own evaluation on those events of like, they don't care about me. They don't care about my success. They don't care about my time. But nothing in those situations said that. That was all me. So Karen didn't respond to my email because she was slammed at work trying to get a report out the door that she feared she could lose her job over. My friend was late for dinner because they forgot their cell phone at home, which they needed to find the place and then also couldn't text me because they left their cell phone at home and had to turn around for it. But because I didn't recognize the root of my feelings, I wasn't correctly able to express myself. And that in turn gives them the opportunity to fill me in on the real information and gives them insight into my feelings. Instead, I huff and puff and hold a grudge. And then I probably act like everything is fine. It's fine. I just shut down. But then that changes my interactions with them in the future. When I talk to Karen in the office, you know, I'm a little bit shorter with her and just kind of be like, you know what? She doesn't care about me. I don't care about her. You know what? My friend's late for dinner. I'm going to be late for dinner instead of having a conversation with them right away. Can you imagine if my friend would have showed up for dinner? I'd be like, Hey, man, you were you were late. Like that makes me feel really just like kind of dispensable. That's really bummed me out. And I'll be like, Oh, my gosh, Casey, I'm so sorry. I forgot my cell phone. And then I had to turn around and I didn't want to text you because I wanted to start driving right away. And then I was driving and I couldn't text. So that was my mistake. I'm so sorry. And that would have made me feel so much better. And if I would have said to Karen, like, Hey, when you don't respond to my emails, it makes me feel like you don't really care about my projects. Like I have projects too. And and it makes me feel like you don't care about my projects. And then Karen can say like, I'm so sorry. I saw your email. I was just heads down on this project. I had to get out by five. And then end of the day, I had to rush home for the, you know, let the dog out. And it kind of slipped my mind. I really apologize. If I would have had the conversations with them. I think everything would have been cleared up. It would allow me that moment of I would have to be vulnerable and let them know that their actions, even if they weren't malicious on purpose, they still hurt me. And I think that's hard to admit that we get hurt by people's actions, even if they're not trying to hurt us, especially when they're not trying to hurt us, because then we seem like maybe we're overreacting. But in those scenarios, I'm losing out on the opportunity to connect with myself and connect with those other people connect with Karen connect with my friend from dinner and find some compassion in the relationship, instead of building a bigger and bigger wall that keeps me further and further away from those people. It might feel weird at first. And I feel like TMI, just like I said, like it might feel kind of weird to be that vulnerable and let somebody know that what they did kind of hurt you. It might feel too mushy or emotive, especially for work. But if you're open and honest with yourself, then you can start to be open and honest with others. Once you kind of start to realize like how you're feeling and what's causing that feeling. It is it feels so good to be able to express it and get it off your chest and not carry that around. There was one day I got super upset, because me and my partner drove to like a cupcake shop or something and they were out of like the cupcake that I really wanted. And I kind of stewed about it. And I was like, this is so stupid. I'm upset because I didn't get the cupcake that I wanted. And it totally came off to my partner as me being upset with them or just being upset at the situation. And as soon as I said out loud, I was like, why am I feeling like this is so stupid? Is it really the cupcake? And as soon as I said out loud, I'm just really disappointed they didn't have that one cupcake I really wanted. Drove all the way out here and we didn't get it. And I'm just like, disgusted. And as soon as I said it, as stupid as it sounded, I felt so much better. And we were able to laugh about it and kind of move on with our night. And I, because normally before all of this, I would have just like stewed, but then I would have felt bad about stewing. And I wouldn't want to speak up because the reason was so insignificant and just ridiculous. But instead, and then I would keep it inside and be upset about it all night, which is even worse. So that is definitely, I can tell something right there that has changed for me. So that's kind of my personal story. I have stuff written down. So I'm trying to keep notes of where I'm going. And now I kind of lost my place because I've tried, I have like, like a scaffold of what I want to say. So if you're open and honest with yourself, then you can be open and honest with others. And it feels so good to have that connection. If you are able to do that and open up with others about how you feel and what you need, I think you'll actually be pleasantly surprised to find out that others are grateful for the opportunity to connect and to give by allowing them that sight into yourself. You're opening up a connection without having to really say like, Hey, let's hang out, let's connect. You are actually walking the walk. You're showing them that that the connection between you two means enough for you to be open and honest with them and be vulnerable. And the other person is going to be grateful that they can help, that they can be there to listen and hopefully give and give something to you that is going to help you. Human beings enjoy giving. We inherently enjoy contributing to others when we've connected with our own and others' needs and can experience that giving coming from like our choice. When we are able to choose to give, it's the best feeling. When we're able to decide, like, see that opportunity in front of us, somebody has said, I need help. When you're able to help them, it's a pretty amazing feeling. When we present, when we prevent ourselves from giving, we present, we prevent ourselves from making connections and then doing our best work. When we make connections, we build trust and building trust can lead to having critical conversations where some amazing work can happen. Critical conversation sounds like a bad thing, but it is a good thing because that is when real stuff is talked about. And it's helpful to have trust built up because then you can speak to each other without having to dance around the issue. If you have those experiences of opening up to them and communicating with them and telling them how you're feeling, what your needs are, and making requests, that slowly builds up trust between the two of you because that then allows them to do the same to you. And when you have that type of communication, the trust is building and building and building so that when you say something to the other person, especially if it's maybe feedback or something that might be hard to hear, if you have trust built up between you, they will hear that piece of feedback coming from a person that they know cares about them and they won't just get defensive right away. They're going to hear that feedback and say, Casey has been really awesome in the past. She's been helping me. I think this is just another piece of feedback that's going to help me. She's not saying this to be mean. She's not saying this to cut me down. She's saying this because she wants to see me succeed. I know this is coming from a place of good. We have this trust built up. If you haven't had a chance to build up that trust, if it's kind of like at a new place or if you've been there for a while and you haven't had the chance to really connect with somebody and build up the communication, build up that trust, you can kind of inoculate your feedback or the conversation that you're about to have because emotional responses are inevitable. It's the way our brains are wired. The stimuli hits the emotional part of our brain, I think right here, before it hits the logical part of the brain. It's evolutionary. It helped us survive for so long. That's what prompts the fight or flight. When people get a stimuli, it's going to hit the emotional core first. If it's not what they're expecting, they're going to get defensive. If the trust has been built up, their filter that they're viewing things through is already more positive. But if the trust hasn't been built up yet, that filter, that emotional part might say, this is negative, this is negative, this is negative, and then it hits the logical part, but the emotional part is so strong, it's pretty hard to overcome that. Knowing that the other person is going to have an emotional response, it's inevitable. We can try to prep the receiver by inoculating the conversation. You can do this by making sure you're explicit about your interest in their success and well-being. Saying sentences like, I really appreciate the work that you're doing here, and I'm super excited to work with you. I know that our boss is pretty strict about coming in on time, and I think you just need to make sure you're in by nine, because I really don't want to see anything bad happen. I just know he's a stickler about that. Or it's been great working on a team with you. You've helped me better understand Redux, and I know you hold the success of the group very highly. But sometimes when we're in a brainstorming session, you can kind of, it feels like you might be talking over me, and it makes me feel like my opinion doesn't matter. Something like that. Something where it's kind of like the Oreo method. It's like a compliment, the criticism, and a compliment. You can still end this with a compliment to kind of sum it up, but kind of prepping your receiver to kind of already feel a little more relaxed. Like prepping them to know that what you're about to say might be a little sour, but it's coming from a place of good. You're not telling them this to make them feel bad. You're trying to help them. Another benefit of building that trust is, again, being able to have those crucial conversations where some really amazing work can happen. Being in a trusting environment means that people can be open and honest, and that real debates can happen. Not debates where somebody is just trying to win the conversation. It's like, no, choose this, choose this, choose this, and they're not actually listening to one another. I've been in so many meetings like that where the trust isn't there. So when somebody has an opposing opinion, this person thinks it's because they're just butting heads and that they can't actually listen to this person and hear their opinion, they just want to win the conversation. And they now just want to win the conversation because this person just was like arguing with them and not actually listening to what their opinion was, what their new idea was. So then it's just like no listening and just arguing, and then the meeting is over, and then you have to schedule another meeting to go over the same thing. It is so draining, especially being someone that's just watching this happen. So some really great work happens when people can be open and honest and discuss their ideas and listen to other people's ideas and not worry about winning the conversation, but about winning the, like not all winning the conversation, it's about finding the direction that's going to give your team the most success, using that as your North Star, being like, I, at the end of this meeting, I want us to choose a database, right? And so at the end of it, the goal is to choose a database. The goal is not to win the argument. So be sure when you go into one of these conversations, you focus on the goal and not winning the argument. Because winning the argument, it kind of means nothing. Yeah. So actually, I have a story for you. I heard it on a Freakinomics episode, and it was called How to Make Meetings Less Horrible, I think, Less Terrible, something like that. But it was basically about an architecture firm that's 70 years old, and they were about to figure out their vision for the future. And they were debating whether to maintain being an architecture firm, which meant in their case, whether to continue being bricks and mortar, building buildings, basically, or whether to pivot and become a design firm. And there was a real disagreement in the firm, but you wouldn't know it by being in the room. Anytime somebody would say something even related to one of the possible visions, everyone would shrink back. They were not willing to go there. It was very polite, you know, like very Minnesotan. But because this team hadn't built up that trust between them, because they didn't feel comfortable expressing their true feelings about this, and this is huge. This is like this 70 year old firm figuring out what direction they were about to go in. It's a big deal. And people weren't saying anything. It ended up the person that came in to consult, they told her, it's like, we need some heat. We need something to spark this conversation. And they kind of did like a mock wrestling ring and had one person be the architecture firm and one person be the design firm. And then they had sides and people, I think, were so distracted by the pump and circumstance of it all, by the visuals, they were able to kind of let down their guard and say exactly what they wanted to say is like, this is why I think we should be a design firm. This is why I think we should be an architecture firm. And they were able to open up. And so I don't know if that exercise had any long term effects, but maybe it showed them that things can get done when you have real conversations and when you're able to really be open and honest and express how you feel about something. And knowing that just because I say I disagree with that direction doesn't mean that I disagree with you and that I don't like you or that I'm saying that you have a bad idea. All I'm saying is that I disagree with that. And here's why I want to go in this direction. So knowing that you can be open and honest and tell each other how you feel without being worried about hurting their feelings. And knowing that you're both there to move the company forward, move the team forward. So not being able to effectively communicate is preventing us from doing our best work. You'll notice when you work in groups, and if you work for your group projects, when you're working together, sometimes the code is not the hardest part. I'm sure you had those thoughts where it was like if I could just do this project on my own, I would have it done in a day. So obviously communicating and working with humans is really hard. And when we are able to streamline that and really focus on effectively communicating and get it really just like click in, get click in with each other, that project that you could have done by yourself in a day can now maybe get done by lunchtime. When you have that efficient team that is effectively communicating, it kind of gets to the point where it's like if you are on a wavelength, you can communicate in kind of short bursts. You kind of speak like a different language with one another. You get on the same wavelength with your team members when you get that trust and that communication flowing. And all of this is extra important if you are in a place of power, if you're a leader, if you're a manager, if you are even the project manager of a team of developers, anything or people are looking to you for the tone. People are looking to you to understand the vibe of the environment. If you are stoic and quiet, they will probably do something very similar. But if you are open and honest, they will feel like they're allowed and maybe even expected to be open and honest as well. And that's when the really exciting ideas are shared. When coworkers become a team and you become a leader. So in VC, it requires you to give from the heart. None of this can be faked. You have to really honestly want the best for the people that you are engaging with. You want to have them be successful because you know that that in turn is going to help you be successful. Or maybe just because you really like them. So it requires you to give from the heart. Be compassionate and care. It's not a silver bullet to fix all your problems. But I think if you start to incorporate these ideas into your life and really pay attention to communication and not just let it happen. It can happen so easily. We can shut our brains up and still communicate. So bringing your attention back to what you're saying, how you're feeling, what your needs are can open up new feelings, new opportunities and new doors. All right. That is it for me.