 Well, hello there, friends. I am sitting here after recording three different takes of a previous video and then one take of this video, and maybe this time I'll get it right. I have felt so weird after releasing the video that I did yesterday about, like, feeling hopeless and hopelessness and everything I have felt about this upcoming surgery, and that's weird. Considering that I have showed emotions on this channel before, I have been vulnerable before, so why do I feel like I need to take that video down? Why am I, like, scared of people seeing that? And I'm just, like, so uncom- just- just so skin-crawling uncomfortable with having said the things that I said. And as I was thinking about it and talking about it, I think a big part of it is I made a video a while back about, am I inspirational enough? And that title was totally, totally a joke because I don't care about being inspirational. That is not a goal of mine. That has never been a goal of mine. But in that video, I talked about feeling like I don't fit the mold of the inspirational disabled person, the inspirational amputee, if you know what I mean. I feel like there is a very pre-written story for people that you can take part in if that makes sense of going through something tragic or traumatic or whatever, but then choosing to live a completely positive, happy-go-lucky is the wrong word, but basically happy-go-lucky life and everything's fine. You have to have a little bit of struggle, but you can't have too much struggle, you know, because then that turns people off and I feel like I don't fit the mold. And having a public platform, sometimes I feel that pressure to fit the mold. Sometimes I feel like I should only show the good sides. Sometimes I feel like I should end that video that I posted yesterday with like, everything's gonna be okay. Like, I'm really all right. Like, hey guys, that's me again and I'm feeling great today. But I'm not. I am feeling like crap today. I am feeling the exact same way that I did when I shot that video. When I shot that video a couple days ago when we were still in Dublin because I'm back in Colorado now. And the point of this channel has always been to be like honesty and the real journey and so that's what it's gonna continue to be, but man, it's weird sometimes. And I am so grateful for everyone who listens. I seriously thank you guys because it is hard to talk about this stuff because vulnerability is really hard. And I'm scared of what people think of me as much as I don't want to say that. And I feel like I should only show the good sides sometimes. Even though that's not what I do, I definitely feel like I feel that pressure. So I wanted to thank you guys for never actually putting that pressure on me because you haven't because no one has asked for that. And that's amazing. Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable in this place by listening. That is a great gift to me. I'm still trying to figure out what positivity means in my life. I shared with you guys a quote a while ago that talked about like, positivity doesn't mean being happy all the time or putting a positive spin on everything. It means trusting that in the end things are going to work out and that is what I am trying to hold on to because I do want to be a positive person but I'm also not someone who wants to put a positive spin on every single thing all the time. I do believe in the end that things will work out even if I don't feel that all the time. And maybe that's not a traditional view of positivity because I feel like the traditional view is take every negative thought and trash it, replace it with a positive one and you'll do great. But that just hasn't worked for me because it has felt more like suppressing emotion than anything. And I'm tired of suppressing myself and suppressing emotions and that's not the life that I want for myself. So yeah, not really sure what the point of this video was except that I wanted to again be honest and I had another video scheduled to, not scheduled, but the one that I filmed before this one was all about like visible versus invisible disabilities and illnesses and all of that because I really ran into that. I was really confronted by that in airports especially because I have dealt with invisible illnesses for years and they suck. And then all of a sudden I'm visible all the time and it's weird and so it's kind of weird that like just juxt... I'm not great with words and that's bad for someone who's in front of a camera. That juxtaposition and I think talking about invisible illnesses is so important in so many ways and I'll get to that eventually. But today I wanted to talk about this instead so that's what we did. Also guys, my shirts came in. So I designed this shirt. Some of you guys know and it finally arrived in the mail. I got this one and I got a t-shirt and I got one for Brian and if you're interested the link is down below but it has an anchor that I drew myself, drew it myself a couple years ago and then a message on the bottom that says anchor yourself and hope which I am trying to do. I'm working, I'm working on it. I'm working hard on that. I believe in even if it's really hard to hold on to sometimes. So like I said if you're interested they are still available and I will be releasing a new design involving an elephant that I drew really soon. So be on the lookout for that if you're interested. Wait, hold on one second. I unintentionally lied there. I actually went ahead and released the elephant t-shirts and they are available in the link in the description down below because I will be out of it for a little while because I'm having surgery. I wanted to make sure that they were actually available and ready to go. So here are a few examples. There are tank tops and sweatshirts and hoodies and normal t-shirts and lots of different colors and options. So check out the link down in the description if you're interested and I hope you guys like them. And that my friends concludes today's rambling video. Thank you for listening. Let me know your thoughts and I don't know comments. I don't even know what I'm saying at this point. I'll talk to you in the comments section. Bye guys.