 Section 33 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part IV, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain, read by John Greenman. March 27, 1901. Mark Twain, plaintive. Bring suit against publishers for alleged infringement of copyright and trademark. Samuel L. Clemens has instituted an action in the United States Circuit Court against butler brothers, publishers of this city and Chicago. The action is brought through Augustus T. Gerlitz, who is also counsel for Rudger Kipling, in a suit against R. F. Fenno and company, publishers of this city, on alleged infringement of trademark and copyright. Mr. Clemens recently appeared as a witness for the plaintive in this case, and expressed the view that trademarks ought to be respected, and that there is no difference between counterfeiting a label on a book, a box of blacking, or a bottle of whiskey. As it now stands, Mark Twain's action consists merely in a summons requiring the defendants to appear in an action brought against them for damages for violation of copyrights according to the provision of sections 4952 and 4964 of the revised statutes of the United States. It is alleged that butler brothers have caused an infringement of trademark or name in publishing certain books not by the plaintive, but having as the principal part of their titles the words library of wit and humor by Mark Twain. The summons states that damages have been caused in the above described manner to the extent of ten thousand dollars. Charles C. Lloyd, vice president and treasurer of the butler brothers' concern, when seen yesterday afternoon, expressed great surprise at the action. We buy the book from Thomas and Thomas publishers of Chicago, he said. On the title page of the book you can see it states copyrighted 1883 by L. W. Yaggy, copyrighted 1898 by Star Publishing Company. This perfectly satisfies us when we thought of handling the book. There may be an infringement. There is, we are entirely ignorant of the fact, the sales of the book thus far have amounted to just eighty dollars. Mr. Gerlitz, when seen, produced a copy of the book which brought about the suit and pointed out that it was almost identical in appearance with a book published by his client under the title of library of wit and humor. The name Mark Twain is brought out in large guilt letters, while the words and others are much smaller and in black lettering, which does not show plainly on the green cloth binding. Mr. Gerlitz said he would decide within a day or two whether he would bring suit against other publishers. End of Section 33, March 27, 1901, Mark Twain, plaintive. Read by John Greenman. Section 34 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. March 31, 1901, Mark Twain tells of his business ventures. To succeed, avoid my example. Is his axiom, he says. Confides to the Poughkeepsie Eastman Club his idea of diligence, honesty, and truthfulness. The Poughkeepsie Eastman Club, an organization of alumni of the Eastman Business College at Poughkeepsie, held its second annual banquet last night at the Young Men's Christian Association Hall on 23rd Street near Fourth Avenue. One hundred and fifty guests sat down to the tables. Michael Bailey, the president of the club, presided. The other speakers were C. C. Gaines, president of the Eastman National Business College, Henry D. Dixon, James G. Cannon, vice president of the Fourth National Bank, and Samuel L. Clemens, Mark Twain. Mark Twain was introduced by Mr. Bailey as a personal friend of Tom Sawyer, who was one of the types of successful businessmen. He took his text from the speech of Mr. Cannon, who had enunciated some business principles on which the success of young men depended. Mr. Clemens said, Mr. Cannon has furnished me with texts, enough to last as slow a speaker as myself all the rest of the night. I took exception to the introducing of Mr. Cannon as a great financier, as if he was the only great financier present. I am a financier, but my methods are not the same as Mr. Cannon's. I cannot say that I have turned out the great businessman that I thought I was when I began life, but I am comparatively young yet and may learn. I am rather inclined to believe that what troubled me was that I got the big head early in the game. I want to explain to you a few points of difference between the principles of business as I see them and those that Mr. Cannon believes in. He says that the primary rule of business success is loyalty to your employer. That's all right, as a theory. What is the matter with loyalty to yourself? As nearly as I can understand Mr. Cannon's methods, there is one great drawback to them. He wants you to work a great deal. Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much more restful. My idea is that the employer should be the busy man and the employee the idle one. The employer should be the worried man and the employee the happy one. And why not? He gets the salary. My plan is to get another man to do the work for me. There's more repose in that. What I want is repose first, last, and all the time. I want to tell you some of my experiences in business, and then I will be in a position to lay down some general rules for the guidance of those who want to succeed in business. My first effort was about twenty-five years ago. I took hold of an invention. I don't know now what it was all about, but someone came to me and told me that it was a good thing and that there were lots of money in it. He persuaded me to invest fifteen thousand dollars, and I lived up to my beliefs by engaging a man to develop it. To make a long story short, I sank forty thousand dollars in it. Then I took up the publication of a book. I called in a publisher and said to him, I want you to publish this book along lines which I shall lay down. I am the employer, and you are the employee. I am going to show them some new kinks in the publishing business, and I want you to draw on me for money as you go along, which he did. He drew on me for fifty-six thousand dollars. Then I asked him to take the book and call it off. But he refused to do that. My next venture was with a machine for doing something or other. I knew less about that than I did about the invention. But I sank one hundred and seventy thousand dollars in the business and can't for the life of me recollect what it was the machine was to do. I was still undismayed. You see, one of the strong points about my business life was that I never gave up. I undertook to publish General Grant's book and made one hundred and forty thousand dollars in six months, and lost it all in the next six months. My axiom is to succeed in business, avoid my example. Mr. Cannon says that there are three cardinal rules of business success. They are diligence, honesty, and truthfulness. Well, diligence is all right. Let it go as a theory. Honesty is the best policy when there is the most money in it. But truthfulness is one of the most dangerous. Why? This man is misleading you. End of Section 34, March 31, 1901. Mark Twain tells of his business ventures. Read by John Greenman. Section 35 of Mark Twain and The New York Times, Part 4, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. April 25, 1901. Mark Twain to the club. Why he did not attend the dinner of the Get Together organization number three. Mark Twain had been asked to preside last night at the dinner of the Get Together club number three in Arlington Hall, St. Mark's Place. He sent a letter in which he said, I must not venture it. Although my sympathies are naturally with you in the work which you are inaugurating, I have temporarily broken myself down with trying to do too many things, and shall try to save what is left of me by going softly for some months to come and limiting my industries to the several engagements to which I am already pledged. I beg you to pardon me for not replying yesterday, but indeed I was not able. I am wrecked with rheumatism these last six days, and do my sleeping by snatches in the daytime, for I get no reprieves from pain in the night. The club was addressed by C. P. Henning, consulting Camus to the Crups, who described the communal life among the workmen, and W. H. Tolman, Secretary of the League for Social Service. The Temporary Committee of Direction was continued with W. B. Bach of Eleven Broadway as Chairman. Enter Section 35, April 25, 1901, Mark Twain to the Club, read by John Greenman. Section 36 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4, 1900-1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain, read by John Greenman. May 4, 1901, Mr. Maybe, a distinguished company, honor him with a dinner at the University Club. This edited article includes only the speech given by Mark Twain. A few weeks ago a committee composed of W. D. Howells, Andrew Carnegie, Marshall H. Mallory, Henry Van Dyke, Francis Lynn Stetson, and Henry Loomis Nelson was formed, representing friends of Hamilton W. Maybe, who desired to give a dinner to Mr. Maybe at the University Club. The special object was to testify in an appropriate manner their appreciation of his service and success in literature, of which the most recent incidents had been the publication of his work on Shakespeare and his appointment to the Trumbull Lectureship at Johns Hopkins University. Last Monday evening a company, in response to this invitation, assembled in the large private dining-room of the University Club to the number of more than a hundred. It has rarely happened among literary gatherings in New York during many years that an assemblage so distinguished in the high walks of life, in literature, in the law, in the ministry, in medicine, in finance, in the book trade, and in editorial work, has been brought together. The Speech of Mark Twain. Dr. Van Dyke next said, The longer the speaking goes on tonight, the more I wonder how I got this job, and the only explanation that I can give for it is that it is some kind of compensation for the number of articles that I have sent to the outlook to be rejected by Hamilton W. Maybe. There is one man here tonight that has got a job cut out for him that none of you would have had, a man whose humour has put a girdle of light around the globe, and whose sense of honour has been an example for all five continents. He is going to speak to you. Gentlemen, you know him best as Mark Twain. Mr. Chairman and gentlemen, this man knows now how it feels to be the chief guest, and if he has enjoyed it, he is the first man that I have seen in that position that did enjoy it. And I know by side remarks, which he made to me before his ordeal came upon him, that he was feeling as some of the rest of us have felt under the same circumstances. He was afraid that he would not do himself justice. But he did, to my surprise. It is a most serious thing to be a chief guest on an occasion like this, and it is admirable. It is fine. It is a great compliment to a man that he shall come out of it so gloriously as Mr. Maybe came out of it tonight, to my surprise. He did it well. He appears to be editor of the outlook. And, notwithstanding that, I have every admiration, because when everything is said concerning the outlook, after all, one must admit that it is frank, in its delinquencies, that it is outspoken in its departures from fact, laughter, that it is vigorous in its mistaken criticisms of men like me. I have lived in this world a long, long time, and I know you must not judge a man by the editorials that he puts in his paper. A man is always better than his printed opinions. A man always reserves to himself on the inside a purity and an honesty, and a justice that are a credit to him, whereas the things that he prints are just the reverse. Oh, yes, you must not judge a man by what he writes in his paper. Even in an ordinary secular paper a man must observe some care about it. He must be better than the principles which he puts in print. And that is the case with Mr. Maybe. Why, to see what he writes about me and the missionaries you would think he did not have any principles. But that is Mr. Maybe in his public capacity. Mr. Maybe in his private capacity is just as clean a man as I am. In this very room a month or two ago some people admired that portrait. Some admired this. But the great majority fastened on that and said there is a portrait that is a beautiful piece of art. When that portrait is a hundred years old it will suggest what were the manners and customs in our time. Just as they talk about Mr. Maybe tonight in that enthusiastic way, pointing out the various virtues of the man and the grace of his spirit and all that, so was that portrait talked about. They were enthusiastic, just as we men have been over the character and the work of Mr. Maybe. And when they were through they said that portrait, fine as it is, that work, beautiful as it is, that piece of humanity on that canvas, gracious and fine as it is, does not rise to those perfections that exist in the man himself. Come up, Mr. Alexander. The reference was to James W. Alexander who happened to be sitting beneath the portrait of himself on the wall. Now, I should come up and show myself. But he cannot do it. He cannot do it. He was born that way. He was reared in that way. Let his modesty be an example, and I wish some of you had it too. But that is just what I have been saying. That portrait, fine as it is, is not as fine as the man it represents, and all the things that have been said about Mr. Maybe, and certainly they have been very nobly worded and beautiful, still fall short of the real Maybe. End of Section 36, May 4, 1901, Mr. Maybe. The Speech of Mark Twain. Red by John Greenman. Section 37 of Mark Twain in The New York Times, Part 4. 1900 through 1906. This limber-box recording is in the public domain, Red by John Greenman. May 10, 1901. Mark Twain at Princeton. Note, both The New York Times and The New York Sun reported on Twain's appearance at Princeton. Both news reports are included on this page, because the report in The Sun contains the more complete text for this speech. New York Times May 10, 1901. Mark Twain at Princeton gave readings from his works, and said his lecturing days were over. Princeton, New Jersey, May 9. Samuel L. Clemens, Mark Twain, who is staying here as the guest of Lawrence Hutton, tonight gave readings from his own works before the undergraduates in Alexander Hall. Mr. Clemens was given a warm reception when he appeared on the platform. Mr. Clemens in opening said, I do not want to be advertised as a lecturer any longer, for I do not intend to stand upon a platform any more in my life, except at the request of the sheriff or something like that. Mr. Clemens will attend the Caledonian games and also the Harvard debates. New York Sun May 10, 1901. Page 1. Only 368 sins, says Mark Twain, commit one a day, and you'll have done with them in a little over a year. Princeton, New Jersey, May 9. Mark Twain will spend two days in Princeton at the home of Lawrence Hutton, the writer. He arrived here this afternoon, and tonight in Alexander Hall he gave a reading before a large audience of Mr. Hutton's friends composed mostly of university students and professors. Mr. Clemens wished it to be understood that he was not in Alexander Hall tonight as a lecturer. In beginning he said, I feel exceedingly surreptitious in coming down here without an announcement of any kind. I did not want to see any advertisements around for the reason that I'm not a lecturer any longer. I reformed long ago, and I break over and commit this sin only just one time this year, and that is moderate, I think, for a man of my disposition. It is not my purpose to lecture any more as long as I live. I never intend to stand upon a platform any more unless by the request of a sheriff or something like that. He prefaced his reading by saying that he would begin with a scheme of his own, a scheme for the regeneration of the human race. You should economize, he said, every sin you commit and get a value out of it. If you commit a sin, sit down and think about it. You must end by making up your mind that you will never commit that sin again. You should go to the next sin and use that in the same way. Well, there are only 368 sins that you can commit, so that if you begin tomorrow and commit all of them, you will be out in a little over a year. His reading on the eccentricities of the German language made the best hit of the evening. He took a dig at the missionaries when telling a story. He said, Delia married William Thompson, a very nice man, a very nice man, a missionary. At the conclusion of the reading Mr. Clemens was cheered loudly by the students. He assured them that he would respond if he had voice enough. After the reading he was initiated in the Cleosophy Literary Society. He will be present at the Harvard Princeton debate here tomorrow night. End of Section 37, May 10, 1901, Mark Twain at Princeton, read by John Greenman. Section 38 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain, read by John Greenman. May 12, 1901, Mark Twain reads to women, tells normal college alumni about his troubles with the German language. Mark Twain amused the associate alumni of the normal college yesterday afternoon by relating to them the difficulties he had with the German language. Fully 1500 graduates of the college listened to him and gave abundant evidence that they appreciated his humor. In a very formal manner Mr. Clemens was escorted to the platform by Ms. Elizabeth Jarrett, M.D., the president of the associate alumni, to whom fell the duty of introducing the humorist. She had begun a little speech complementary to Mr. Clemens when he checked her. Gently but firmly he sat her in the chair she had been occupying upon the platform and when the audience had ceased laughing explained that there was no sense in complimenting a man who really deserved it. The president has hardly permitted me to choose whether I will read or speak, Mr. Clemens began, I have decided to read. I thought I would tell you about the difficulties I experienced while studying the German language. I owe it an old grudge. Mr. Clemens then read the story in the appendix of his tramps abroad, the awful German language, making a few side remarks here and there. He concluded with the tale of the fish-wife and its sad fate, mixing up pronouns and gender as they appear in the story to the great delight of his hearers. Ms. Jarrett read her annual report and there were several songs by well-known vocalists. End of Section 38, May 12, 1901, Mark Twain Reads to Women. Read by John Greenman. Section 39 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Read by John Greenman. May 29, 1901. Article edited to include only Mark Twain's speech. A Missouri society now. Organization in the city formed at a banquet. Representative Missourians, according to Mark Twain, Augustus Van Weik's plan for a national transportation system. The men who hail from Missouri and who make New York their home organized a society last night to be known as the Missouri Society of New York. They began with a banquet at the Waldorf Astoria. Augustus Thomas, the playwright, presided, and the opinion was generally expressed that he will be the president of the organization when it reaches the point of the election of officers. This inaugural meeting was made the occasion also for booming the Louisiana Purchase Exposition, which is to be opened in the city of St. Louis in 1903, and which it was declared would be the finest that this country has ever seen. In the end entirely unannounced and unheralded, the committee which arranged the banquet sprang Mark Twain upon their guests. And when his bushy white hair was caught sight of, he was treated to an ovation. The humorist had a rival in Augustus Thomas for a little while. Mr. Thomas, after reminding his fellow Missourians that they were a little tardy in forming their society, since one from nearly every state already existed in New York, launched out into such pleasantries as this. I have been informed that Missouria is great for its production of zinc. Now I didn't know exactly what zinc was used for until a friend of mine explained it all to me. I think I was proudest, however, after he had made the statement that Missouria produced the grandest galvanized fronts in the world. To melt your applause. Mr. Clemens, who followed Mr. Spencer, took up the matter of statistics in this wise. I have been as much impressed as has the chairman by Mr. Spencer's speech, and confused also. Statistics always have that effect. As they rise higher and higher to the sky, they become, in the same proportion, more and more inexplicable. I was glad when I heard it stated that Missouria had turned out twenty-five million mules. Roars of laughter. It's from Missouria, and it is expected to be believed. When I was young and in Missouria, I could believe such things. It was a habit. But now that I have come to this grave, part of the country, where the people rely largely upon truth, it is not to be expected. I don't know what this Louisiana purchase is, but if they have appropriated in some questionable manner twenty-five millions, I suppose they propose to use it for the purchase of Louisiana. They ought to know that they can't have Louisiana for this money. This glorifying of St. Louis is likely to have a bad effect upon you because it is likely to raise your pride in your state. But there is room for it between here and the zenith laughter. You must keep these things in bounds. George Washington was a Missourian. He was that, not by accident of birth, but by his primacy in the achievement of liberty and the other great things he did for this country. That made him a Missourian. Caesar was a Missourian. They are all Missourians by right. Abraham Lincoln, Robert E. Lee, General Grant, they are all Missourians by right of their achievements. We have soldiers in plenty by that right. John Hay has by that right become a half Missourian. He lived in that state for a short time. I, in my quality as lay preacher, say, live your lives in virtue, that when you come to lay your life down you shall not descend, but ascend to Missoura. End of Section 39, May 29, 1901, a Missoura Society now. Read by John Greenman. Section 40 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4. 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Read by John Greenman. July 23, 1901. Letter from Mark Twain. He must begin the dignity appropriate to coming senility. Kansas City, July 22. Samuel L. Clemens, Mark Twain, in a letter received here today by the Secretary of the Jubilee Association, which is planning a huge celebration to commemorate the admission of Missoura to the Union, regrets his inability to be present at the exercises in Kansas City on August 10. The letter is dated among the Adirondack Lakes, July 19, and reads in part as follows. I am admonished in many ways that time is pushing me inexorably along. I am approaching the threshold of age. In 1977 I shall be 142. This is not time to be flitting about the earth. I must cease from the activities proper to youth and begin to take on the dignities and gravities and inertia proper to that season of honourable senility, which is on its way and imminent, as indicated above. Yours is a great and memorable occasion, and as a son of Missoura I should hold it a high privilege to be there. End of Section 40, July 23, 1901, Letter from Mark Twain, read by John Greenman. Section 41 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. October 11, 1901. Burglaries alarm Riverdale residents. For months thieves have been robbing houses successfully. Several have been entered more than once, and dogs are of no use. Mark Twain will welcome them. Residents of Riverdale and Hudson, just within the city limits, have become very much exercised by the theories of burglaries remarkable for their boldness and dramatic incident, which have been perpetrated there in the last eight months. Captain Creedon of the Kings Bridge police station has confessed his inability to cope with the situation, as the thieves have repeated their visits to some of the homes of the wealthy residents. So for several nights a large force of central office detectives sent there to help him have been prowling about the lonely countryside in all sorts of disguises, but so far with little result. Among those who have been robbed are W. W. Appleton, head of the well-known publishing firm, General Alexander Webb, Robert C. Martin, Mrs. Frederick Drake, General William Smith, retired paymaster of the United States Army, Darwin G. Kingsley, third vice president of the New York Life Insurance Company, George D. Eldridge, Edmund D. Randolph, Giovanni P. Morocini, Frederick Goodrich, Frederick C. Harriet, husband of Clara Morris, the actress, the Reverend J. Winthrop Hageman, pastor of Christ's Episcopal Church at Riverdale, Livingston Crosby, and George D. McGill. General Webb was the first to suffer, about eight months ago, then $1,000 worth of silverware was taken. Then last Sunday morning, thieves forced an entrance through the kitchen and stole articles of the same sort worth about $350. They disturbed General Webb and his movements frightened them away. Dogs have been of no service, and it is believed the animals have been drugged. The Appleton Home, a big colonial mansion, was protected by a big dog, but he made no outcry when the robbers entered and carried off two landscapes in oil, to cut from their frames, and other booty. The pictures were worth about $1,000, but the robbers left several pictures worth $20,000 hanging on the walls. Robert Mastin met the two robbers in his dining room about three weeks ago while investigating a suspicious noise in the dead of night. One leveled a revolver at him, while the other jumped from the window. Then the first backed to the window. I hope we haven't disturbed any one. Good night," he said, and jumped after the other. Goods worth $600 were missed next morning. Three attempts have been made to rob Mr. Morassini's home in as many weeks, but tampering with the door turns on a perfect flood of electric light about the house and grounds, and this has baffled the robbers. Mr. Morassini happened to light up the place with this apparatus a few nights ago and found the yard filled with a number of men in strange disguises. Before the old soldier and banker opened fire, however, they explained that they were detectives. George W. Gilly has arranged a stack of tin cans, frying pans, and other resonant things at his house with wires strung up in different directions and one of which will bring the heap down with a crash if it be touched even lightly. Once it has fallen and probably saved the house from spoilation. At the Randolph House the burglars played billiards and stole $400. The Eldridge family lost $500. Somewhat more than this was taken from Mr. Morassini's home, but the loss to her was heavier for it included many rich souvenirs which she and her husband had collected in all parts of the world. Shots were fired at the robbers at the Drake House. Samuel L. Clemens, Mark Twain, lives in Riverdale. He has not yet been robbed. Mark Twain, when seen at the Appleton residence, had this to say, If I were the burglars I should feel very much hurt that my confidence in the persons who occupy the handsome residences should be so abused. Any decent burglar is entitled to a return for his pains. He should not be deceived. It is unfair to deceive him by putting plateware where he can get it when it is known that the poor man comes for the genuine article. A burglar like anyone else has got to make a living. I believe it unkind to discourage him in his peculiar efforts, especially when you consider that he may have a family to support. I have not yet had the honour of a call, but certainly if they do visit me and give me timely notice I will welcome them with more consideration. The last time they called upon me at my home in Hartford they taxed me for luncheon, but I feel sure that they were not satisfied with the brand of wine in my ice-box. For while we have advanced in other lines we have neglected to cultivate a becoming taste for wine, and I was very sorry that they were unable to get any better than poor Claret. If they will only let me know when they intend honouring me I shall see that they have a full assortment of good wines and full cupboard, and I shall also tie my dog so that he will not disturb their efforts or repose, and plateware will not be palmed off on them. Vague stories of a naphtha-launch loaded with silver seen putting out from shore, of a robbers cave on the west shore of the river, and of two men with a person in women's clothing, but who walks like a man and who are seen at midnight, are told by the villagers, but are of little help to the police. October 11, 1901. Berglary's Alarm Riverdale Residence. Read by John Greenman. Section 42 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4. 1900-1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. October 18, 1901. Mark Twain makes a speech. The nearest that Mark Twain has come to breaking his vow not to make a single political speech during the present campaign was last night when he faced a select and specially prepared audience at the Waldo Frustoria and read a magazine article prepared by himself in which he called attention to points of similarity between the career of Warren Hastings as set forth by Edmund Burke. Burke in the famous impeachment proceedings before the British House of Commons, and Richard Crocker. The meeting was called in the interest of the Fugian ticket, of which the famous humorist is a warm supporter, and admission was by ticket, of which only about a hundred and fifty had been issued. On the platform with the guest of the evening were District Attorney Philbin, Recorder Goff, Justice Blanchard, and Joseph H. Johnson Jr. The latter presided at the meeting and introduced the speaker who said that as he had vowed not to make a speech during the campaign he would get around the vow by reading instead of speaking. He took occasion at times during the course of his reading, however, to make interpolations in the true Mark Twain style. The article read was of the most serious nature throughout, and those who had come to take away with them a few campaign jokes listened in vain. The article went into some detail regarding the notorious mal administration of the India Company of which Hastings was the boss, and which led up to the famous impeachment proceedings. Extracts from Burke's great speech were put forward and the words New York City substituted for England, Tammany for India, and Crocker for Hastings, and went to show that the administration of the Indian government by Hastings and the New York municipal government by Crocker were strikingly similar. Mark Twain broke away from his reading at one point to state that even the rank and file of the police force were sickened by Tammany rule. I know what I'm talking about, said the speaker, for I run a good deal with the police and the clergy. It's the safest thing to do both here and for the hereafter. Here's a letter received by me yesterday written by an Irish policeman who signs his full name, and the humorist held up the letter. Now, here's what he says. Sir, I'm a policeman and I saw an interview with you the other day. I must tell you the men are with Seth most to a man. Now that's good. He speaks out. He don't always do, however, for a man to speak out what he thinks. We can't all be independent. Wives and children take a good deal of independence from us. I've lost nearly all of mine. The letter continues. I wish you success in your support of the honourable Seth Low. That's even better. See, at the end he becomes respectful. That letter sounds good. The speaker, as he read from his article, was frequently cheered and received quite an ovation at its close. There were no other speakers. End of Section 42, October 18, 1901, Mark Twain makes a speech. Read by John Greenman. Section 43 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Read by John Greenman. October 30, 1901, Mark Twain and Seth Low speak. The numerous compares Tammany to a rotten banana, says that Mr. Shepard is the white end of it. Mr. Low speaks of devarism. Mark Twain and Seth Low were the attractions at the noon meeting yesterday in the hall on the ground floor of 350 Broadway. A crowd of more than 2,000 jammed into the place and was so thick that several times the management had to interrupt the speakers to prevent surging and injury to many in the audience. Ten minutes before the opening of the meeting the rush of those trying to crowd into the already packed hall became so threatening that a half a dozen policemen at the entrance were almost carried off their feet and were forced by way of precaution to close the doors. Within the hall every available inch of space was called into requisition. Men and boys climbed up the lattice work surrounding the elevator at one side of the hall and climbed up on windowsills and wherever there was an inch to give a foothold above the heads of the rest of the men. In the opinion of many who have been identified with political meetings for years past, never was such a jam seen as the one that greeted the fusion candidate and the man who had come to throw bombs of humor into the camp of Tammany. Promptly at 11.55 o'clock Mark Twain appeared from the doorway of the New York Life Building. He was linked to the arm of Joseph Johnson Jr. President of the Order of Acorns and, followed by Mr. Lowe, the trio worked its way through the crowd of about a thousand persons that had been locked out of the hall by the closing of the doors. As Mark Twain and Seth Lowe stepped upon the platform the yell that arose was deafening and it was many minutes before Mr. Johnson, assisted by the humorist, could restore order. President Johnson introduced Mark Twain. The latter arose immediately and when, after several minutes' effort, quiet had been restored, he began. In this campaign there is nothing very much simpler than to decide if we are to vote for the continuance of crockerism and Tammany rule or whether we shall not. I think we have had enough of a system of American royalty residing in Europe. If we should have nothing but excellent and trusted men on the ticket of Mr. Crocker, I think it would be doubtful if we would want to continue it. But it is not likely that we will continue it and it is very likely that we will vote the fusion ticket from top to bottom. Cheers! Of course I cannot expect you all to know this, but it was only against my physician's advice that I came here. I have been on a sick bed for the past forty-eight hours. I told my physician that I must come, but he was obdurate. I explained to him that if I had only some reputable sort of an ailment I might be able to consider his advice, but that I did not see, under the circumstances, how I could explain a nursery ailment to the gentlemen who expected me to talk to them. The trouble was, gentlemen, indiscriminate eating. I ate a banana, thinking that by doing so I might conciliate the Italians of this city to voting for the fusion ticket. But as it turned out it was not an Italian banana. It was a Tamini banana, as should have been easily detected. A Tamini banana is a strange thing. One end of it, or one part, here or there, is perfectly white. The rest of it is rotten. Now I have the greatest respect for Mr. Shepard personally, but nine-tenths of the rest of the bananas on that ticket are rotten. Mr. Shepard is the white part of the banana. The best we can do is to throw the whole banana from us, for it is unfit. It will make us sick. It will make us feel as if we had swallowed whole bunches of Tamini tigers, and as if they were wrestling for the supremacy in our interiors. What we need is a doctor to handle the feeling within. I think I can introduce you to a very good doctor too. Seth Lowe, who, but lately, was honored with a Yale LLD. Mr. Lowe stepped to the front to follow the humorist. If it be true that crockerism and devouryism have been the main issues in this campaign, he said, then some new light has been thrown on those issues during the last few days. Both Mr. Crocker and Mr. Devoury have come forward from their covers behind the Constitution and have spoken their minds. Mr. Devoury said that he should remain in the police department even if I was elected mayor. I wish you would elect me so that we could try out that issue. I can assure you that he shall not remain Deputy Police Commissioner if I am elected, and if, in addition, you will elect Mr. Jerome, the whereabouts of Mr. Devoury will be even more uncertain. When asked about Devoury, Mr. Shepard hid behind the Constitution and stated his refusal to talk politics. Last night, however, he was forced to speak, but we do not hide or conceal our hands. We stand squarely on the platform of decent and honest home rule, and if you want home rule and reform in the police department, vote for the fusion ticket. If Mr. Shepard means what he said last night about Devoury, let him say also what he thinks of crockerism and what he thinks of his associates, Mr. Fromm and Mr. Unger and Mayor Wick, whom the Bar Association pronounced conspicuously unfit for the office for which he is a candidate. Mr. Lowe then appealed to the businessmen in the audience on the real issues of blackmail which he said allowed anyone willing and able to pay for police privileges to compete successfully with others who are handicapped by ordinances made for all. "'If I am elected mayor,' he said, "'I shall interpret the city ordinances in a liberal spirit and in a just one. All will have to obey the laws. But none will be oppressed by them, nor will anyone be allowed to use them in the way of procuring for himself an unfair advantage over a competitor. I will give the city a business administration such a one as will aid the merchants of this city to compete successfully with the fierce competition of other large business communities. But there is another more important issue involved in this campaign, the issue of manhood. If this city elects the Tammany ticket it will be an open avowal to the world in charge that the foul blots that have been cast on the fair name of the city during the last four years are endorsed by a majority of the voters." As the speaker closed there were yells and cheers for Seth Lowe and Mark Twain. End of Section 43, October 30, 1901, Mark Twain and Seth Lowe Speak, read by John Greenman. Section 44 of Mark Twain in the New York Times Part 4, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. November 7, 1901 the Acorns hold an election jubilee. Mark Twain delivers a mock eulogy on Tammany. Then they parade up Broadway to 42nd Street and burn Richard Crocker in effigy. The Acorns, whom Richard Crocker designated as the Popcorns, held a boisterous triumph yesterday which extended from their headquarters in the old Jaffrey building in Broadway through many streets to 42nd Street, in which not less than 5,000 people participated before it was all over. Mark Twain was the central figure and delivered mock eulogies over those to whom he referred as the dear departed of Tammany Hall. As the noisy parade passed the headquarters of that organization, having made a short detour for that special purpose, the old guard band, which led them, played the melancholy music of Go Way Back and Sit Down before the almost deserted hall, through a window of which Secretary Thomas F. Smith of the Executive Committee was detected peering furtively. The plaintive Melody was repeated before the late headquarters of Isaac Fromm and Henry W. Unger in the Rossmore Hotel, and the celebration closed immediately after with the cremation of an effigy of Mr. Crocker born aloft on a long pole before the Metropolitan Opera House. This proceeding the police vainly tried to prevent. A number of blue coats made a rush with drawn clubs toward the flaming figure, but somebody at that moment created a diversion by calling for three cheers for Mark Twain, and when the effect of this had passed there was not enough left of the image of the ruler of Wantage to make it worth anybody's while to start the riot that seemed imminent. The policemen threw the effigy on the pavement. Some of the newcomers who had been attracted by the show tried to attack the men who had held it, but the leaders of the acorns averted the trouble by hustling these threatened men off into the main body of the paraders, and the policemen and timidy sympathizers were free to stamp out the fire in the burning mass, which they did with vigor. Brooms hung all about the acorns home, and a line of them stretched across Broadway above the traffic before the door, and all the men on the platform wore little brooms on hats or coats. First the band crashed out the star-spangled banner, the crowd singing the words, Great Oak Johnson read a letter from Mayor-Elect Low congratulating the organization upon its work, and then Mark Twain spoke, being frequently compelled to stop and wait until the laughter and cheers had subsided. The bad gang has been defeated all along the line, he said, and I prophesy, because I was born a prophet, that the next time we go to the polls we go there one hundred thousand strong. I am not surprised at the superb majority we had. What surprises me is that Tammany got a single vote with the entire pulpit and almost the entire press against it. But while a thirty thousand majority was not nearly large enough we will not quarrel with Tammany about the result. Tammany is dead and it is no use to quarrel with the corpse. We are not here to attend the funeral of Tammany. Tammany is dead and there is wailing in the land. We shall miss so many familiar faces. Van Wyck, the gentle peddler of life-saving ice at sixty cents per hundred, is gone. Ike Fromm, we shall never see Fromm again. He is gone. His name isn't German, but I suppose he took it from the Germans. We shall never see his gentle face again. And Unger, yes, he is also gone. Unger is a German name also. In the original it had H in it. Yes, Unger is gone, with his great appetite unsatisfied. And Murphy, that shadow of a shadow, that political specter. Farewell to Murphy. He is gone to the unsolidified space of which he has been so long apart. And Deverey, that indescribable. He has gone to the realms of darkness. His character is so black that even Egyptian darkness would make white spots on it. And there is Asa Byrd Gardiner, who said, to hell with reform! Well, his reform has been started in the way indicated, and we do not care how soon he goes the same way. And last, but not least, there is Crocker. Crocker! He can now go back to England. We can spare him here. Yes, farewell to Crocker forever, the barren of wantage, the last, and I dare say the least desirable addition to English nobility. Mark Twain then read a letter from Bishop Potter, in which he stated, It is not merely greater New York, it is grander New York now! Other speakers were President-Elect Fornes of the Board of Aldermen, William H. Russell, and Otto Kempner. Then the crowd swarmed out into the street where Mark Twain and the officers of the Acorns entered a carriage and led the procession with the band and Chief Marshal Frederick Smith, who carried a huge horseshoe of oak leaves and acorns. The route was Broadway to 14th Street to 3rd Avenue to 15th Street to Irving Place to 19th Street to Broadway to 42nd Street where Mark Twain reviewed the parade, which by this time had grown to enormous proportions, and then to the scene of the burning of the Crocker effigy, where the crowd slowly dispersed to the music of Home Sweet Home. End of Section 44, November 7, 1901, the Acorns hold an election jubilee, read by John Greenman. Section 45 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4, 1900-1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. November 8, 1901, Twain's rival storyteller. Paperhanger's anecdote wins the greatest share of the audience's applause. Samuel L. Clemens, Mark Twain, and Patrick H. Coakley, a paperhanger, met last night on the little stage of the Good Citizenship Association of the East Side Settlement House, 76th Street and East River. Both were there to entertain a large audience by telling stories. Mr. Coakley was not embarrassed by his distinguished rival, and Mr. Clemens acknowledged that the paperhanger received the lion's share of the applause. Clarence Gordon introduced the speakers. He said in part, We captured Mr. Clemens in the wilds of Riverside. Mr. Coakley, we caught here on the East Side. Mr. Clemens did not want to come. It was not the first time I had tried to capture Mr. Clemens, a whom I have known for many years. Not long ago I found him in a barber's chair next to mine. The barbers were through at the same time, and I hailed Mr. Clemens. He did not seem to recognize me. He said, You are a bunco-steerer! Bye-bye! But I caught him at Riverside by showing him the membership of this club, and when I told him that our motto was, Our neighbor is ourselves in another body, he agreed to come. Mr. Clemens received a cordial welcome, he said in part. I may have taken Mr. Gordon for a bunco-steerer. He had the light in his eyes which told me that he wanted something out of me. I am, however, very glad to be here with you, captured. I have been too busy to prepare an address, and will read from a recent magazine article of one telling how a chimney sweep got the ear of the emperor. It explains how watermelon is a cure for dysentery. There are many remedies most people know little about. Incidentally, the impossible may happen. You go to the drugstore to get something to keep the hair from falling out. Beware of drugstores! My hair was rapidly leaving me, and I spoke to a friend of mine, a very old and wise man like myself. He told me that if I would just plow my hair twice a day with a stiff brush, it would be all right. I have not lost a hair in eleven years, and there is quite some of it. applause. I told the remedy to our pastor in Hartford. One Saturday night he was through with the preparation of his sermon and saw a bottle on the dressing-table. He took it for a hair-restorer and forgot about plowing the hair with a brush. In the morning his hair was bleeding. He had used a very good hair dye. He had to preach the sermon, but the congregation wondered about his hair and forgot about the sermon. Laughter. Mr. Clemens then read his magazine article. This occasioned a good deal of merriment, but did not equal the appreciation manifest during the story of Mr. Coakley, who said, Once upon a time there was a very old couple in Ireland. They had seen better days and earned a living by playing music in public places. He played the fiddle and she the piano. Theirs was a life of harmony, but there came a discord. The old lady kept bewailing over the better days. He grew tired of it, and they quarreled. They would not speak. Among their possessions was one of those old-fashioned beds, a big four-poster. It was the kind that you could not get into any house on the east side today. Laughter. The old man put the fiddle in the middle of the bed. The bed was a big one, I tell you. He had caught a terrible cold and was awakened in the night by a terrific sneezing fit that made the fiddle moan. Laughter. The old wife in the Irish way said, God bless you! He sneezed again to hear her say it, and again she said, God bless you! Do you mean that? Says he, without any heart. Says she, I love you without any heart. Then she guts up and fixes his feet in hot water and mustard and nurses and cheers him while he plays for old long-zine on the fiddle. Cheers. And so it is that a kind word or an old-loved adage may reunite the loving. Don't ever let a chance for a pleasant word, a happy good morning or good night, fail to fall from your lips. Cheers. Foremost in the applause was Mr. Clemens, and when it had died away he and the old paper-hanger shook hands. End of Section 45, November 8, 1901, Twain's rival storyteller, read by John Greenman. Section 46 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. November 10, 1901. This article has been edited to include only the speech by Mark Twain. Britain's Here Toast, Their King, Edward. Dinner of the British Schools and Universities Club. Birthday of the Sovereign. Lord's Ponce-Foat, Volsley, Roberts and Kitchener, Send Greeting. Memory of Victoria Honored. Mark Twain's Speech. With music and feasting and standing toasts, the birthday of King Edward VII of England was celebrated last night at a dinner given in Delmonicoes by Britons living in New York. The dinner was under the auspices of the British Schools and Universities Club of New York, and the guests who responded to set toasts were Sir Percy Sanderson, British Consul General in this city, the Reverend Dr. D. Parker Morgan, rector of the Protestant Episcopal Church of the Heavenly Rest, Mark Twain, Major General John R. Brooke, United States Army, and the Reverend Dr. F. L. Patton, president of Princeton University. The room was decorated with tasteful simplicity, one end over the guest's table being adorned with five flags hanging from the ceiling. In the center was a big Union Jack, with an Irish banner on one side and a royal British flag on the other, while two United States flags were in each corner. In the intervals between toasts there were songs and piano recitals. Many messages from distinguished and titled personages were read. Lord Roberts, Lord Wolsey, Lord Ponsfalt, Governor General Milner of Cape Town, Secretary of State John Hay, Lord Kitchener, Earl Strathcona, and the Governor General of Canada were among the senders. The toastmaster of the evening was the society's president, Dr. J. A. Irwin. About ninety guests were gathered at the three tables, arranged in a broken rectangle. At the board for special guests were seated Sir Percy Sanderson, General Brooke, the Reverend Dr. D. Parker Morgan, the Reverend Dr. Patton, Mark Twain, Daniel G. Reed, president of the American Tin Plate Company, Frater Monroe, president of St. Andrew's Society, Dr. Wilfred Nelson, president of the New York Society for Graduates of McGill University in Montreal, Dr. J. C. McGuire of the Friendly Sons of St. Patrick, Thomas H. Bardendale, president of the Canadian Society of New York, President Oman of the Australian Society, W. R. Stewart of the London Daily Express, and George Guy Ward of St. George's Society. Among the other diners was Cuthbert Hall, chairman of the Marconi Company who had just arrived in the city. Mark Twain welcomed. Samuel L. Clemens followed the president of Princeton University. He was hailed with cries of Mark Twain for he is a jolly good fellow. He said, If I never do another creditable thing, I have at least got the Reverend Dr. Patton's train for him, and I have lost my own. Tomorrow his Sabbath will suffer no damage, but I have to break mine. But if you will consider the self-sacrifice that I make, think of it. He can afford it better than I. He has a record to fall back on, and, sadly, so have I, laughter. I also enjoy a kindness. I am glad to have him catch his train . The sooner he goes, the more liberally I can afford to speak. Historically speaking, one thousand nine hundred and fifty-six years ago, Caesar invaded Britain. But we will let bygones be bygones, and we will call it off. It is not proper to revive these old scores. We are here, rather, to do honour to the Government that is still with us. I feel drawn toward Edward VII. My ancestors were subjects of all the other Edwards. General Brooke has ancestors, and the right to be proud of them, the right to take credit for producing them. My ancestors were not of any consequence. I looked into them, and I don't care for them. A friend of mine looked back many years over my ancestors, and they didn't amount to much. When he got to the Elizabethan period he found that one was a pirate, not much of a pirate, a pretty poor pirate. And then I told him to send in his uncle and quit looking up my ancestors. Adam and Noah were ancestors of mine. I never thought much of them. Adam lacked character. He couldn't be trusted with apples. Noah had an absurd idea that he could navigate without any knowledge of navigation, and he ran into the shoal place on earth. I shall arrange it that my descendants shall look on me as their ancestor. I feel drawn to King Edward because he has an acute sense of humour. It is a good thing to have in a monarchy. There is a legend that the peasants, after the Battle of Boswell's Field, found a rose bush on which there were two roses, one white, one red. And they grew together, the white taking on the blush of the red. The one was of Lancaster, the other of York. Since then at times whenever England has been threatened with war with a friendly nation, this double rose has appeared, and its fragrance has gone over England, and war has been averted. End of Section 46, November 10, 1901, Britons Hear Toast Their King Edward Read by John Greenman Section 47 of Mark Twain in the New York Times Part IV, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. November 17, 1901, article edited to include only Mark Twain's speech. Mr. Chote arraigned before the Lotus Club. Pleads guilty to intense joy at being home again. Mr. Carnegie testifies to New York's good government, Senator DePue, ex-speaker Read, and Mark Twain also heard. The Lotus Club versus Joseph H. Chote was the formal looking document wrapped in a legal blue cover and tied with a legal red string that stared the American ambassador to England in the face when he took his place as the guest of honour at the Lotus Club dinner last night. It was the menu. Copies of it were beside the plates of the members of the club and their guests gathered to meet Mr. Chote. It read, Dinner to the Honourable Joseph H. Chote Ambassador from the United States to the Court of St. James by the Lotus Club, New York. Then followed the list of good things constituting the repast, the date of the dinner, a great red seal, and the names of the witnesses. In the absence of Judge Frank R. Lawrence, President of the Club, Captain William Henry White, Vice President, presided. About him were Thomas B. Read, Justice Wallace, William B. Hornblower, Major H. B. Byrd, Judge Patterson, W. E. Dodge, Morris E. Jessup, Henry E. Howland, Chauncey M. DePue, Samuel L. Clemens, and Andrew Carnegie. Mr. Carnegie gave testimony to the effect that New York, despite its government in the past, is one of the best governed cities in the world. Mr. Chote declared that New York amazed him on his return by its remarkable development and said that he would have kissed the American soil gladly if it had not been that it was an unclean New York pavement. Throughout his address he was constantly interrupted by cheers and laughter. He had just begun to speak when Mr. Clemens arrived. Chester S. Lord started with the humorous to take him to his seat, but Mr. Clemens objected. He said, I am very old and I am very wise, and I hate an anti-climax. Joe is doing very well. He has them laughing. If I should buck in now they might take me for a Princeton Tiger beaten or a Tammany Tiger beaten, and I am very old and I am very wise. Joe would have a right to fire a plate at me if I should come in now. I will stay here and add to the applause, for I am very old and very wise." Mark Twain's anecdote. Mark Twain, who was next introduced, said, Mr. Carnegie has told you that on the other side they consider it necessary to train men for the diplomatic service. He has also suggested that we don't find it necessary on this side, but can turn out ready-made ones whenever we need them. And this reminds me of an anecdote. You've all heard it, of course. The greatness of this country rests on two anecdotes. The first is that of George Washington, and the little hatchet story he told his father. From that arose the characteristic of true speaking, which is the great characteristic of this nation today. The other relates to the prosperity of our country. A firm of lawyers will say Mr. Chote was one of the members of the firm. The other partner, being a Hebrew, Mr. Chote's correspondent, were talking one day over the amount they would charge a client for their services. Services is what they call it, laughter. The Hebrew drew up a bill for five hundred dollars, and Mr. Chote said, you'd better let me attend to that. And the next day Mr. Chote handed him a cheque for five thousand dollars, saying, that's your share of the loot. Then this humble Hebrew gentleman in admiration said, almost thou persuadest me to become a Christian, laughter. And the world said, this is a rising man, laughter. We must save him from the law. He should be a diplomat. The world looked beneath this anecdote, and reasoned that a man who could thus take care of his private interests could well look after the commercial interests, laughter, of a growing country of seventy million. Mr. Chote has carried these qualities to England with him. Why, railroad iron is so cheap there now that even the poorest families can have plenty of it, laughter. He has, as Mr. Carnegie said, worked like a mole underground. Since he has been there only three years, American commerce has increased tenfold, or whatever it has increased, and he has depressed the commerce of England in the same ratio. He has applied that fundamental principle of diplomacy, give and take. Give one and take ten, and he is still applying it. Laughter. End of Section 47, November 17, 1901, Mr. Chote, Arrayed Before Lotus Club, read by John Greenman. Section 48 of Mark Twain in The New York Times, Part 4, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. December 1, 1901, this edited article includes only Mark Twain's speech. Sons of Scotland feast and make merry. Haggis, whiskey, and the peabroke features of the occasion. A token for Mr. Carnegie. Sons of Scotland, who claim America as their adopted country, gathered to the number of five hundred in Delmonico's banquet hall last night to celebrate the one hundred and forty-fifth annual dinner of the St. Andrew's Society of the State of New York. The festive evening was made the occasion of the presentation to Andrew Carnegie, who occupied the President's Chair for the last time, having served three terms, of an elaborately embossed set of resolutions in recognition of his generosity in bestowing one hundred thousand dollars upon the St. Andrew's Society for the purpose of carrying on its work among the aged and helpless Scotch poor of the city. John S. Kennedy presented the resolutions, a costly piece of colourwork finally executed. Mark Twain on Scotch Humour. Mark Twain was next introduced to respond to the toast, Scotch Humour. Mr. Clemens said, The President of St. Andrew's, the Lord Rector of Dublin, laughter. No, Glasgow, isn't it? No, well, he is higher up than I thought he was. Told me that Scotch Humour is non-existent. How is he a Lord Rector, anyway? What does he know about ecclesiastics? I suppose he don't care so long as the salary is satisfactory. I have never examined the subject of humour until now. I am surprised to find how much ground it covers. I have got its divisions and frontiers down on a piece of paper. I find it defined as a production of the brain, as the power of the brain to produce something humorous and the capacity of perceiving humour. The third subdivision is possessed by all English-speaking people, even the Scotch. Even the Lord Rector is humorous. He has offered of his own motion to send me a fine lot of whiskey. That is certainly humour, laughter. Goldsmith said that he had found some Scotch possessed wit, which is next door to humour. He didn't overurge the compliment. Josh Billings defined the difference between humour and wit as that between the lightning bug and the lightning. There is a conscious and unconscious humour. That whiskey offer of the Lord Rector's was one of unconscious humour. Epiculiarity of that sort is a man who's apt to forget it, laughter. I have here a few anecdotes to illustrate these definitions. I hope you will recognize them. I like anecdotes which have had the benefit of experience and travel, those which have stood the test of time, those which have laid claim to immortality. Here is one passed around a year ago and twelve years old in its Scotch form. A man receives a telegram telling him that his mother-in-law is dead and asking, shall we embalm, bury, or cremate her? He wired back, if these fail, try dissection. Now the unconscious humour of this was that he thought they'd try all of the three means suggested anyway. An old Scotch woman wrote to a friend, first the child died, then the calent. For the benefit of those not Scotch men here I will say that a calent is a kind of shepherd dog laughter. That is, this is the definition of the Lord Rector who spends six months in his native land every year to preserve his knowledge of its tongue. Another instance of unconscious humour was of the Sunday school boy who defined a lie as an abomination before the Lord and an ever-present help in time of trouble. That may have been unconscious humour, but it looked more like hard, cold experience and knowledge of facts. Then you have the story of the two fashionable ladies talking before a sturdy old Irish washerwoman. One said to the other, where did you spend the summer? Oh, that long branch was the reply. But the Irish there, oh, the Irish, where were you? She asked her companion in turn. That's Saratoga, but the Irish there, oh, the Irish. Then spoke up the old Irish woman and asked, why didn't you go to Hades? You wouldn't have found any Irish there. Let me tell you now of a case of conscious humour. It was of William Harry, late of the century, who died a few weeks ago, a man of the highest spirit and thought. One day a distinguished American called at the century office. There was a new boy on duty as sentry. He gruffly gave the gentleman a seat and bade him wait. A short time after Mr. Cary came along and said, why, what are you doing here? After explanations Mr. Cary brought out three pictures. One of Washington, one of Lincoln, and one of Grant. Now, young man, he said to the boy, didn't you know that gentleman? Now look at these pictures carefully, and if any of these gentlemen call, show them right in. I am grateful for this double recognition. I find that, like St. Andrew, my birthday comes on the 30th of November. In fact, I was sixty-six years old about thirty-four minutes ago. It was cold weather when I was born. What a chance there was of catching cold. My friends never explained their carelessness, except on the plea of custom. But what does a child of that age care for custom? End of section forty-eight, December 1st, 1901. Sons of Scotland Make Mary. Read by John Greenman. Section forty-nine of Mark Twain in the New York Times, part four, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. January twenty-ninth, 1902. Mr. Rockefeller's class. Bible students addressed by Mark Twain and Robert C. Ogden. The young men's Bible class of the Fifth Avenue Baptist Church, of which John D. Rockefeller Jr. is the leader, listened to a speech by Robert C. Ogden and another by Mark Twain at the regular monthly meeting of the class last evening. Mark Twain attempted to teach the class how to reach a person of great eminence, an emperor, for instance. At nine-twenty he stopped short and informed the young men that he would have to go. I'm a farmer now, he said. Not a very good farmer yet, but a farmer just the same. So I'll have to go now to be up early in the morning to take care of my crop. I don't know yet what the crop will be, but I think from present indications it will be icicles. Mr. Ogden said that he had recently read in a newspaper that as soon as a man began to feel his own importance he ceased to be of importance to the world. I think this is true of nations also, he went on. During the Civil War I remember, I thought it was a grand thing to live through those times. Others, I think, thought so too. We were doing a great deal of boasting then, but we were not really great. Now we are very quiet and I think we have become great in a larger sense. We hear much talk in these days to the effect that organization is crushing out the life of men. I do not think this to be true. I believe that organization is going to give men greater opportunities than they have ever had before. Mr. Ogden then spoke of the value of the higher education in business and quoted, as he said, from a little volume recently published by Dr. Canfield of Columbia University, which he said stated that one percent of the men engaged in business life were men of higher education, and that forty percent of the men who held the positions of great responsibility were university men. The Reverend Dr. Rufus P. Johnson, pastor of the church, also spoke. John D. Rockefeller was present, but took no part in the exercises. End of Section 49, January 29, 1902, Mr. Rockefeller's class. Read by John Greenman. Section 50 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part IV, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Read by John Greenman. February 5, 1902, Petition to Stop War. Senator Hoare presents one signed by well-known men. Washington, February 4. Senator Hoare, representative from Massachusetts, presented today a petition signed by a number of distinguished citizens of this country praying for the suspension of hostilities in the Philippine Islands and asking that an opportunity be given for a discussion of the situation between the government and the Filipino leaders. The following are among the names attached to the petition. Carl Scherz, George F. Edmonds, Judson Harmon, J. Sterling Morton, George S. Boutwell, Charles Francis Adams, W. D. Howells, Mark Twain, the Reverend C. H. Parkhurst, W. Bork Cochran, Robert Treat Payne, T. K. Boyson, Bishop Huntington, Bishop Vincent, Anson Phelps Stokes, John Burroughs, and William Lloyd Garrison. Included in the list are the names of thirty-six professors in the University of Chicago and a number of other educators. End of Section 50, February 5, 1902, Petition to Stop War. Read by John Greenman. Section 51 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the Public Domain, read by John Greenman. March 9, 1902. Mark Twain on Medicine. He discusses the progress made in the science. Justice Woodward, another guest at Medical Jurisprudence Society Dinner, deals with expert testimony. Mark Twain was the principal speaker at the Hotel Savoy last night at the dinner in celebration of the twentieth anniversary of the foundation of the Society of Medical Jurisprudence. He said at the outset of his remarks that it was a pleasure to watch a company of gentlemen in that condition which is peculiar to gentlemen who have had their dinners. That was a time, said Mr. Clemens, when the real nature of man came out. As a rule, he continued, we go about with masks, we go about looking honest, and we are able to conceal ourselves all through the day. But when the time comes that man has had his dinner, then the true man comes to the surface. I could see it here this evening. I noticed the burst of applause when Judge O'Brien got up to speak, and I knew that he was either an exceedingly able man or else that a lot of you practice in his court laughter. You have been giving yourselves away all evening. One speaker got up here and urged you to be honest, and there was no response. Now I want you to remember that medicine has made all its progress during the past fifty years. One member of this society sent me a typewritten judicial decision of the year 1809 in a medical case with the suggestion that this was the kind of medicine to have and that the science of medicine had not progressed but gone back. This decision went on and described a sort of medicine I used to take myself fifty years ago and which was in use also in the time of the pharaohs, and all the knowledge up to fifty years ago you got from five thousand years before that. I now hold in my hand Jane's Medical Dictionary, published in 1745. In that book there is a suggestion as to what medicine was like a long time ago. How many operations that are in use now were known fifty years ago? They were not operations. They were executions laughter. I read in this book the case of a man who died from a severe headache. Why severe? The man was dead. Didn't that cover the ground? Laughter. This book goes on to say a certain merchant about fifty years of age of a melancholy habit and deeply involved in affairs of the world was during the dog days, with a capital D, seized with a violent pain of his head which some time after kept him in bed. I, being called, remember this man was a regular, ordered venisection in the arms, bleeding. I also ordered the application of leeches to his forehead and temples, and also behind his ears. Now, you see, continued Mark Twain, holding the old medical book in his hand, he has got him fringed all over with leeches. But that was not enough, for he goes on to say, I likewise ordered the application of cup-glasses with leeches. I also ordered the application of cup-glasses with scarification on his back. Now, he has township maps carved all over him, and all this is for a headache. But not with standing these precautions, the man dies, or rather, perhaps I might have said, because of these precautions the man dies. Laughter. Now, this physician goes on to say, if any surgeon skilled in arterial anatomy had been present, I should also have ordered an operation. Laughter. He was not satisfied with what he had done with the precautions he had already taken, but he wanted apparently to put a pump into that man and pump out what was left. Laughter. Now, all that has passed away, and modern medicine and surgery have come in. Medicine was like astronomy, which did not move for centuries. When a comet appeared in the heavens, it was a sign that a prince was going to die. It was also a sign of earthquakes and of pestilence and other dreadful things. But when they began to drop one thing after another, they finally got down to earthquakes and the death of a prince as the result of the appearance of a comet. Until in 1818 a writer in the Gentleman's Magazine found at least one thing that a comet was sent for, because it was of record that when the comet appeared in 1818 all the flies in London went blind and died. Laughter. Now they got down to flies. Laughter. In 1829 a clergyman found still one thing that a comet was sent for, because while it was in the heavens all the cats in Westphalia got sick. But in 1868 that whole scheme was swept away, and the comet was recognized to be only a pleasant summer visitor. And as for the cats and flies they never were so healthy as they were then. Laughter. From that time dates the great step forward that your profession has taken. Laughter and applause. Just as John Woodward spoke on the value of expert testimony, as viewed by appellate tribunals, he said that the subject was a very important one, but that the solution of the problem was to be found in common honesty. When a witness swears in favor of his side, said Justice Woodward, because he has got a fee, then he is no longer worthy to be received in decent society or respected by self-respecting men. Applause. The value of an expert's testimony rests on the value of the man who gives it. The expert who does not tell the whole truth is as much a perjurer before God as the man who says he saw an accident which occurred ten miles away from him. If when an expert is known among his professional brethren to have given false testimony, he were shunned by them if he were treated in the same manner as a man would be in society for having committed perjury on any other subject. That kind of swearing would soon be a matter of the past. Applause. On the other hand, the man who masters his art or science and practices it conscientiously, and then in the course of affairs, by reason of the knowledge that he has acquired, consents to testify in a particular case and gives the benefit of his great experience and knowledge to the judge and jury, then that man is entitled to credence and standing. Justice Morgan J. O'Brien answered to the toast of the law. He related some incidents of judicial life that excited much amusement and concluded with a definition of constitutional law and its place in human society that was loudly cheered. The Reverend Dr. Howard Duffield responded to the toast The Triple Alliance, speaking briefly on the three learned professions, law, medicine, and theology. Charles V. Fornes, president of the Board of Aldermen, was the last speaker. He spoke on fusion or confusion and attributed the fusion society in the last municipal campaign largely to the newspapers. Theodore Sutro, president of the society, acted as the toast master. End of Section 51, March 9, 1902, Mark Twain on Medicine, read by John Greenman. Section 52 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain, read by John Greenman. April 1, 1902, the Canahua at Santiago. Ex-speaker Reed and Mark Twain as guests of H. H. Rogers in Cuba. Santiago de Cuba, March 31. The American steamship Canahua with H. H. Rogers, vice president of the Standard Oil Company, T. B. Reed, ex-speaker of the House of Representatives, and Samuel L. Clemens, Mark Twain, on board, arrived here yesterday. The party visited the points of historical interest near Santiago. Mr. Reed expressed himself as greatly pleased with Cuba and said the island contained more natural wealth than any country he had ever seen. The Canahua left this afternoon for Nassau. End of Section 52, April 1, 1902, The Canahua at Santiago, read by John Greenman. Section 53 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4, 1900 and 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. April 8, 1902, Coming Back from Cuba. The Canahua with Ex-speaker Reed and Mark Twain at Newport News. Special to the New York Times. Newport News, Virginia, April 7. A party arrived at Old Point this morning on the yacht Canahua, owned by Mr. H. H. Rogers, the Standard Oil Magnate. They had been to Charleston and Cuba and came here to inspect places of interest surrounding Fort Monroe. On board were Mr. Rogers, Ex-Speaker Thomas B. Reed, Professor Lawrence Hutton of Princeton, Dr. Rice, Ex-Rep. Foot, and Samuel L. Clemens, Mark Twain. The Canahua dropped anchor about ten o'clock and the party came ashore. They were met by friends from Fort Monroe and shown around the peninsula this afternoon. The Canahua sailed this evening for New York. End of Section 53, April 8, 1902, Coming Back from Cuba. Read by John Greenman. Section 54 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. April 9, 1902, Mark Twain's New Home. He purchases an estate at Tarleton for $47,500. Tarleton, New York. April 8. Mark Twain has purchased the Captain Casey place and will shortly take possession and make it his home. The estate comprises something like 19 acres. It is high and beautifully situated, commanding some of the best views along the Hudson. There is a stone mansion which has been remodeled and modernized on the property and ample barns and outbuildings. The announced price of the property is $47,500. This is believed to be the price paid, as it was known the offering price for some time has been $50,000. End of Section 54, April 9, 1902, Mark Twain's New Home. Read by John Greenman. Section 55 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part 4, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. April 21, 1902, Clara Morris tells of Staged Life's Trials and Helen Keller and Mark Twain. Note, in the first article, both the New York Times and the New York Sun reported on Twain's speech. The texts of the speech differ, and both news stories are included in this recording. Clara Morris tells of Staged Life's Trials, monotony the dreadful drawback of the profession. The actresses taste for domesticity, some practical advice to the novice with illusions. Wallach's Theatre was one great stage last evening. On it were gathered many of New York's prominent actors, who, throwing off their daily roles, assumed that of hearers, and listened to Miss Clara Morris. For almost two hours the latter stood in front of the footlights and chatted with her friends of the experiences of bygone years. The artists and literary people present, who had not been initiated into the privacy of life behind the scenes, caught nice bits of color and enjoyed the chat as much as anyone else. Shortly before nine o'clock Miss Clara Morris was led on the stage by Mark Twain, who by way of preface said, I was born by accident, and by fortunate accident, the person who was to have introduced Clara Morris did not arrive. Everybody knows I'm well qualified to make an introduction, and if I had had time to know what I want to say, I should say it. But as it is, I can't pay any compliments. In fact, it is not necessary, since Miss Morris's whole life has been her compliment. From the New York Sun, April 21, 1902, fine house for Clara Morris first lecture delights audience at Wallach's. Mark Twain led her on, congratulated himself on his luck and gallantly kissed her hand. She confesses that weepy Paris were never her choice. This article has been edited to include only the portion related to Mark Twain's speech. A lucky change helped Miss Morris at her debut as extemporaneous talker. She had made an arrangement with somebody, no one seems to know whom, to lead her on the stage and introduce her. That somebody was kind enough not to appear. Another somebody had to be found in a trice. There was the white, well-known head of Mark Twain visible in one of the boxes. His help was solicited and granted at once. He led Miss Morris on and bowed his head and gallantly kissed her hand, or at the house rose an approval. Miss Morris wore a cream-coloured high-necked gown with garniture of black lace. By fortunate accident—began Mr. Clemens, for he had to make a speech, of course—yes, I say, by fortunate accident, for chance has always been kind to me. I was born by chance. I became an author by chance. By fortunate accident he who was to introduce Miss Morris failed to appear, and the privilege of taking his place was granted to me. If I had only had time to find out what I should say, I don't know it even now. I am in the position of a person who knows that he is well qualified to do a thing and yet cannot do it. I know that no compliments are needed in the case of Miss Morris, yet I should like to pay her a few and to make them real strong and good. If I only had time to think them out, but hasty compliments are dangerous. I know if there is any blood on my hands the only reason of it is to be found in compliments paid to me too suddenly. So I'll take no risk on this occasion. Exit Mark Twain while Miss Clara Morris playfully shakes her finger at him deep sigh by Miss Morris when alone on stage. And then this. I am afraid that coming in the wake of such a son my case will be one of twinkle, twinkle little star. Helen Keller and Mark Twain. Blind, deaf, mute, and the writer, guests of Lawrence Hutton, special to the New York Times. Princeton, New Jersey, April 20. Samuel L. Clemens and Miss Helen Keller, the deaf and blind girl who is at present writing her own biography, were the guests of Lawrence Hutton at Peepa Day, his presence on Mercer Heights, near this city, last evening and today. The other guests of the evening were the members of the Monday Night Club of the University. Miss Keller surprised all by the readiness of her powers and by means of her touch seemed to enjoy thoroughly the talk by Mr. Clemens which followed. Mr. Clemens spoke particularly on the position which the administration has taken on the Philippine question. He condemned very strongly the action in this line and the stand which has been taken throughout. End of Section 55, April 21, 1902, Clara Morris tells of Stage Life's Trials and Helen Keller and Mark Twain. Read by John Greenman. Section 56 of Mark Twain in the New York Times, Part IV, 1900 through 1906. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain read by John Greenman. June 1, 1902, Mark Twain's visit. The author sees his former sweetheart in his old home in Missouri, special to the New York Times. Hannibal, Missouri, May 31. I'm afraid we'll have to put a hoop around Mark Twain's head before he leaves Hannibal, said Mrs. Laura Fraser, the author's reported first sweetheart, now matron of the Home for the Friendless at Hannibal. I'm afraid he'll be spoiled," she continued, but I suppose if there was any danger of that it would have happened long ago. Mrs. Fraser, who is believed to be the original Becky Thatcher in Tom Sawyer, is now a matronly lady whose memory is still clear concerning those early times. Last night Samuel L. Clemens met Mrs. Fraser at dinner at the home of Mrs. John H. Garth, and the talk reverted to the incidents and the friends of their youth. This afternoon Mr. Clemens visited Mrs. Fraser at the home for the Friendless. A story attaches to a visit made by Mr. Clemens yesterday, of which no word has yet been said. When he was Sam, and perhaps Tom Sawyer, he knew a girl whose full name was Azalea Urmini Cordelia Transquilla Amelie Amarine Penn. Her father owned Mr. Clemens' birthplace, a house in Florida, Missouri. The visiting author remembered the name Azalea, etc., Penn, and found that the lady was now Mrs. Folks, 70 years old, living in Hannibal. He lost no time in calling on her. End of Section 56, June 1, 1902, Mark Twain's Visit. Read by John Greenland.