 The Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes program, starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. I bet you don't all know the real meaning of the word delicious, or do you? Well, I didn't until I looked it up. It comes from two Latin words, meaning pleasant and charmed. And if that doesn't spell Molly-rich Grape Nuts, then my name isn't Don Wilson. You're as pleased as punch when you sit down to the big tempting bowl of Grape Nuts, now aren't you? And you're certainly charmed with that one and only Molly-rich flavor that's sweet as a nut. A rich, distinctive blend of sun-ripened wheat and malted barley. A flavor that just plain hits the spot. And all that wonderful whole-grain nourishment you get in Grape Nuts leaves you with such a satisfied feeling of well-being. Yep, for a real treat, just try a bowl of Grape Nuts for breakfast tomorrow. You'll find it's a charmer all right. Miss Livingston has been off the show for three weeks because of laryngitis. So now that she is fully recovered, we take you to her house where we find Mary and her maid Butterfly. Miss Livingston, you sure have pretty hair. Well, thank you, Butterfly. Be careful with the comb you're pulling. Oh, excuse me. Say, Miss Livingston, was your hair... Of course, I never bleach my hair. Neither do I. Well, I'm glad you told me. Now, Butterfly, comb the ends into a roll. Yes, ma'am. You know what, Miss Livingston? What? I think your hair is even prettier than Mr. Benny's. Oh, Butterfly, you're just saying that. Anyway, you've never been close enough to Mr. Benny's hair to appreciate its beauty. Oh, yes, I was over to Mr. Benny's house. Oh. He wasn't home, so Uncle Rochester showed it to me. Your Uncle Rochester has no right to open Mr. Benny's safe. Now, Butterfly, will you get my blue dress out of the closet, please? Never mind. You answer the door. I'll get the dress myself. Yes, ma'am. I'm going to buy you a paper doll. I cannot see you. Hello, Butterfly. Come right in, Mr. Benny. May I take your hat? Yes, thanks. Here's my coat. Yes, sir. Shall I take your show, too? That's a muffler. Here. Now, Butterfly, will you tell Miss... Oh, here she is. Hello, Jack. Hello, Mary. Gee, you're looking swell, and your voice sounds okay, too. Thanks. I feel fine now. That's good. Say, Mary, I brought you a box of candy. Over a hundred pieces in it. Here you are. Oh, thanks, Jack. Just the kind I like. Sen-sen. Well, I'm glad you do. You know, it cost me extra to have it wrapped as a gift, you know. Oh, Jack, you're so nice. I know. Maybe I shouldn't have given it to you now. It'll make your Christmas present look like nothing. Well, let's not worry about that now. Come on, we'll go into the living room. All right. Is there fire in the fireplace? No, but we can build one. Okay. Gee, I haven't had a fire in here since I've been sick. Well, there's nothing as homey as a fireplace with a cheery blaze. Here it goes. First, a little paper. And throw on some kindling. And now, now for a log. There must be a smaller log around here somewhere. Let's see. Let's see. Thanks, Mary. Hey, look. Look, that log came from the tree that used to be in your backyard. Yes, I know. Gosh, Mary, look what it says on it. I love Jack Benny. Isn't that sweet? Yeah, I remember the night you carved it there. Yeah, it was so romantic. I'll never forget that night if I lived to be 40. Jack, if you... Don't answer that. I know what you were... I'll take it. Hello? Plainfield, New Jersey calling? Yes, I'll hold on. Oh, Jack, it must be Mama. Oh, is she out on parole again? Jack, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Hello? Oh, hello, Mama. Yes, I'm feeling fine now. That's right. I was off the program for three weeks. What? Oh, don't worry. Jack's going to pay me. He will pay me. Oh, Mama, he is not. Where'd you ever hear a word like that? That's what Papa calls you? Mary, tell your mother. Quiet, Jack. Say, Mama, did you get the packages I sent? Good. But I don't want either you or Papa to open those presents till Christmas. Why? Papa couldn't wait. He did. Well, Mama called a doctor. That was shaving lotion. Mary, what was that word your mother called me? It starts with an L. Oh, L. Say, Mama, tell me, what's happened in the home lately? L could be lyre, louse. Louse isn't so bad, is it? What? What, Mama? Cousin Harry was made a sergeant? Oh, that's too bad. What's bad about it? Last week he was a lieutenant. Yes, Mama, that was Jack's voice. L, L. Yes, he's sitting right here beside me. L. Mama, stop it. What's the matter? You can drop the L and start working on D. Say, Mama, what are you and Papa doing tonight? D, dope, dunce. Oh, you expect companies? Are you making a fire in the living room? Dumbbell, that starts with a D. But, Mama, you haven't got a fireplace in the living room. Oh, there's a hole in the rug and you wanted to cover it up with something. Mary, hang up. Well, Mama, I think I better adjust the second operator. Mama, give my love to... Oh, darn it, we were cut off. Oh, operator, operator, why did you... I don't care if my mother does drive you nuts. It's none of your business. You see, Mary, you see, I'm not the only one that's allergic to your mother. Oh, Jack, Mama's only kidding. She doesn't mean half the thing she says. She does, too. I never saw a woman like that. She's always hounding me. She doesn't hound you. Well, she's got the face for it. I'll tell you another thing. Your mother takes delight in aggravating me. Every time she calls me up, she pans me. And I never say anything about her. Well, you ought to be. Every time we talk about my mother, we get into an argument. You're right, Mary. We shouldn't argue. Let's kiss and make up. Okay. How was that? Let's argue. Oh, yeah? That was all right and you know it. Now, straighten your lipstick. Oh, you and your wet lips. Every time you kiss me, you're scared. Now, what do you want me to do, have them retreaded? I skid. You can't say one nice thing. There's someone at the door. That's all right. Butterfly will get us. You can't say one thing without trying to be funny. Oh, Jack, you take everything so seriously. Where's your sense of humor? Sense of humor. Listen, Mary, you have no regard for my feelings. And in the first place... Hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Dennis. In the first place, I only came here to visit... Hello, Miss Livingston. Hello, Dennis. I only came here to cheer you up because you've been ill. Well, this is a fine way to do it. Just because I pull a gag on you once in a while, you hit the ceiling. I hit the ceiling. What's going on here? Look, Mary, when you had laryngitis, I was a constant visitor. I'm the best friend you ever had. Do you mind if I sit down? No, no, go ahead. No, sit down, Dennis. You know, Mary, I even brought you a box of candy. And what thanks do I get? What do you expect for a box of sense, and a kiss for every piece? No, Mary, but the least you can do is show your appreciation. Oh, you're having an argument. Dennis, why don't you please be quiet? Gee, everywhere I go, there's an argument. Oh, where have you been, Dennis? Home. And Mary, as far as I'm concerned... At my house, it's louder. Dennis. You ought to be breaking it up by now. The argument? No, the house. Dennis, we're not having a fight. It was just a little misunderstanding, that's all. Now, Mary, let's not argue in front of the kid. You're right, Jack, and especially about such a thing. I'm a dope. Well, I'm a dope, too. You want to know something? What? It's nothing to be ashamed of. You should know. Thanks. Well, I guess I'll run along now. Wait a minute, Dennis. What did you come over here for? Oh, I forgot. I came over to visit Miss Livingston. You did? Well, sit down and stay a while. Okay. Well, I guess I'll run along now. Dennis, you just got here. What's that package under your arm? Oh, I made a record of a song and I wanted Miss Livingston to hear it. Well, that's fine. We'll play it later. Oh, butterfly. I see who's at the door. Yes, Miss Livingston. Oh, it must be Rochester. There's my new car out in front. That yellow one? Why, it looks like a taxi cab. Well, it was, Mary, but it's the only thing I could get. Anyway, I converted it strictly to private use. Oh. If it weren't for the color, no one would know it used to be a taxi. Oh, hello, Rochester. Hello, boss. You better hurry. The meter's running. Well, turn it off, silly. It's only us. Why, Jack, if you're using that taxi for your own private use, why do you have a meter on it? He never knows when he's going to give a friend a lift. Well, Rochester, it pays to be nice. It pays him. Oh, that's not the reason at all. Anyway, Mary, it's not a bad car, is it? Well, it looks all right. It rides smoothly, too. Yes, sir. Did you ride in a dentist? 30 cents worth. Dentist. That's my raise. $5 worth of free rides a week. Listen, kid, I give you those rides because... I give you those rides because I like you. I'm not in business with that taxi. I don't haul pizza. I'm not in business with that taxi. I don't haul people around. Oh, boss, come now. Rochester, I told you, I only give my friends a lift home. What's so funny, Rochester? All of his friends have trunks and live at the Union Station. Rochester, stop making things up. You better hurry, or we'll be late for the super team. I mean, stop mixing me up. I know what you mean, boss, but we gotta go Christmas shopping. Oh, that's right. Let's get going. I want to do my shopping because all the stores are still loaded with stuff. So let's... Oh, Butterfly. Butterfly, there's someone at the door. I'll answer it myself. Well, of all people... I locked myself out. Come in, Butterfly, and get Mr. Benny's things he's leaving. I got him, never mind. Come on, Rochester, let's go. So long, Mary. Goodbye, Ms. Livingston. Goodbye. I'm gonna buy a paper doll that I can call my own. A doll that other... Oh, Dennis, I forgot you were still here. Yeah, I just put my record on the phonograph. Would you like to hear it, Ms. Livingston? Sure, I would. Go ahead and play it. Okay. Same as Livingston, would you like to... Oh, well... What, Dennis? Never mind. Let's sit this one out. Yes, I'd rather just listen to it. Rochester, don't turn the corners so fast. Don't worry. Boss, these taxi cabs can really take it. Rochester, I've told you a thousand times this is my own private car now. It's not a taxi. Anyway, I'm gonna have the color changed. It's getting to be ridiculous. Rochester, you're coming to a red light. Watch it. I see it, boss. Hey, bud, mind if I share this cab with you? I'm sorry, Mr. But this ain't no... Driver, no one's asking you. Certainly, certainly, Mr. Hop right in. Okay. Maple Avenue, driver. Nice day, isn't it? Yeah. How far you going, buddy? Oh, I'm going much further than Maple Avenue. So you pay me and I'll pay the driver. That'll save time. I wish he'd step on it. I'm in a hurry to get home. You are? Yeah. I don't want to miss the Fred Allen program. What? How did you reach the break from the back seat? Never mind. This is where you get out, Mr. Why? What happened? What did I say? Get out. Get out. You can't put me out of this cab. Hey, driver. I'm sorry, Mr. But you'll have to get out. Oh, I do, hey? Well, my name is Brown and I'm going to report you to the president of this company. Mr. Brown, you may not know it, but you were thrown out by the president, vice president, secretary, treasurer. I'm Rochester. Let's go. Sure is crowded in this store. I wish I'd done my Christmas shopping early like I did last year. You going to buy any gifts in here, Rochester? No, I already did my shopping. You did where? It's Sac Central Avenue. Now, let's see. I want to get something from my girl, Gladys Zabisco. But I don't know what. Why don't you ask the floor walker? Yeah. Oh, mister. Mister, are you the floor walker? If I'm asked that question again, I'm going to smash somebody right over the head. What are you mad about? I just asked you if you were the floor walker. You see this carnation in my lapel? Yes. What do you think I am, a long stem? Oh, then you are the floor walker. Of course. I'm not rugged enough to be a customer. Now, what can I do for you? Well, I'm interested in something for my girl friend. What would you suggest? Well, what does your girl look like? Well, she's kind of thin and scrawny and her hair sort of stringy. But she really has a nice personality. She has a little turned up nose and she has two ears. And they... Well, everybody's got two ears. On the same side? Rochester. That's the way she combs her hair. It's a large bun. Well, I don't know what to suggest. Why don't you try our harness shop? Oh, don't be so smart. Come on, Rochester. I'll find things myself. Let's go over to this counter here. Pardon me, Mrs. Is this the perfume department? No, this is the cold cream counter. Can I smear something on you? No, no, thanks. I'm not interested in cold cream. You know, we're sure to help, so they split my week between cold cream and hot water bottles. Oh. Three days a week I'm greasy and the other three I'm overheated. Well, I feel sorry for you. You know, for 20 years I was behind the perfume counter. Nothing but pythium for 20 years. Pythium, pythium, pythium. Well, that's too bad, Miss... Just call me stinky. Well, look, Miss, I have to buy something for... Hey, boss, look, here comes Mr. Harris. Where? Oh, yeah, hello, Phil. Hiya, Jackson. Hello, Chester. Hello, Mr. Harris. Doing a little shopping, Phil? No, I came out here to see Don Wilson. Don Wilson? Yeah, he's playing sandy claws here this year. Oh, kidding. Well, how did he get the job? It wasn't easy. He had to take off 20 pounds. Can you imagine Don being sandy claws and talking to all the little kids, telling them about... Hey, wait a minute. Have I got a wonderful idea? What is it, Jackson? Let's pull a gag on Wilson. Now, Phil, you go over to the boys' department and get dressed up like a little kid. Yeah? And I'll go down to the women's ready to wear and dress up like a woman. See, I'll be your mother. And I'll be the mean widow kid. Boy, will... Will we fool Don? Rochester, wait for me out in the car. And, Phil, I'll meet you in front of the toy department. Okay. Yeah, I wish Jackson had hurry up. I feel like a dope standing here dressed up like a little kid. Oh, boy, look what Jackson's missing. Hiya, babe. Shut up, it's me. Now, come on, let's fool Don. Come on, we're going to fool Wilson. Remember, I'm your mother. Now, gather round, children, gather round. And I want to talk to each one of you in turn. Now, let me see. Who's next? My little son is Santa Claus. My little son is Santa Claus. All right, madam. Now, where is your little boy? Now, where is he? Oh, clear water. Here I is, mommy. Isn't he a darling? Yes, he's a cute little rascal. Now, clear water. Tell Santa Claus what you want for Christmas. Go ahead, don't be mad. No, I don't want to do it. No, I don't want to do it. Now, clear water. Clear water. Clear water. Take your foot out of your mouth. There. Now, the other one. That's better. Now, little boy, tell Santa what you want for Christmas. I want some great nuts, boys. Great nuts, boys? Yes, my mommy and my dad would. He tells me that they're toasty brown and they're sweet as a nut. That's right, my smart little man. And they're a whole grain cereal. You're absolutely right, Santa. Oh, how cute. Look at that nice little boy sitting on Santa Claus's lap. Such pretty golden coils his guard. Yes, that little boy happens to be mine. I'm not talking to you. Now, tell me, sonny, wouldn't you like to have a bicycle? No, I want a drape, not flakes, because they're delicious, nutritious, and not rations. That's right. That's right. And what else? Well, there are basic salmon food, the kind of food my dad would. He wants me to eat more wob. Well, well, well, you certainly are a good little boy. You should be proud of him, Mrs. Clap Saddle. Clear water. Say goodbye to Santa Claus. Goodbye, Santa Claus. Goodbye, Santa Claus. Goodbye, Phil Salon Jacks. Oh, darn it, he knew it. He knew it all the time. What are we going to do now, Mommy Deal? Oh, shut up, you little jerk. Come on, let's get out of here. There's a certain phase to the effect that you can't take it with you. But tonight I'm going to tell you about something you can take with you and should take with you every morning of your life. That's the zippy, up-and-atom feeling that you get when you eat the right kind of breakfast instead of one of those sip and run affairs. Breakfast is the stoke-up meal, you know. The time when nutrition experts say we need at least one quarter of our day's nourishment. Well, for two grand-tasting stoke-up foods, let me just mention grape nuts and grape nuts flakes. Because the experts also agree an adequate breakfast should include a cereal with whole grain food value. And that's certainly grape nuts and grape nuts flakes for you. Both are crammed full of all-around whole grain nourishment, including iron, niacin, vitamin B1, the morale-building vitamin. And good, say, where do you taste that zesty Christmas? That distinctive nut-sweet flavor. So eat a good breakfast, do a better job. And for extra swell-eating, make it tempting, nutritious grape nuts or grape nuts. Well, folks, that finishes another program, and we'll be back with you next Sunday night at the same time. Meanwhile, my cast and I want to send Christmas greetings to all of you. To all of you here at home and to all of our boys and girls in the service, here and abroad. Good night, everybody. Grape nuts-sweet meal, yes, you bet. The swellest new hot cereal yet. Yes, grape nuts-sweet meal. It's a prize in the big deal. A thrifty treat, you'll all admit, with the first delicious taste of it. Yes, quick-cooking grape nuts-sweet meal is rich and hot and brown, with a grand roasted-wheat flavor, luscious full-bodied texture, real whole-wheat nourishment. Get hot grape nuts-sweet meal in the time-saving, money-saving, new economy-sized package. This program came to you from Hollywood. This is the National Food Network for the New Year. This program came to you from Hollywood. This is the National Broadcasting Company. K-F-I, Los Angeles. Exciting flamingo nail polish, noted for exception...