 The Jack Benny program With Murray Livingston Rochester dinner stay Bob Crosby and yours for a late-on Ladies and gentlemen right now Jack Benny is in San Francisco, California Where he's making a personal appearance at the Kern Theater So let's go backstage where we find Rochester in Jack's dressing room There's no business like show business. There's no business. I know Every time they sell another ticket, Mr. Benny's blue I start to glow But when he looks and sees a seat that's empty the little tear drops they start to glow There's no business like show Uh-oh look what time it is. Mr. Benny will be off stage in a minute. I'll put everything he needs on his dressing table Yeah, that'll do it. There's the cold cream for his makeup a washcloth for his face A brush for his suit and a comb for his morale Let's see what else. Oh, yes, his glasses. He always puts them on when he comes back to the dressing room I wish he'd forget his pride and wear them on the stage Yesterday he did two shows with his back to the audience I wasn't so bad, but when he took his bow, what a target I Even the magic ran up and kicked him. I haven't seen that many people on stage that's cool about it Oh, well, I guess I better lay out a clean shirt for him. This white one will be all right I know mr. Benny isn't a spin trip, but I do wish he'd buy real cuff links Imagine putting a toothpick through the cuff and stinging an olive on each end This even amazed me and I've been waiting for 15 years Hello, Rochester. Oh, hello boss. How'd the show go? Oh, fine fine. That's good I'm glad they weren't any empty seats. How did you know your mascara isn't running? I Rochester, I don't cry when there's an empty seat after all I didn't take this personal appearance engagement to make money You didn't know you may not understand this Rochester, but every so often a Performer must satisfy his artistic temperament. I'm playing these three weeks in San Francisco merely as a release For my talents. You understand what I mean. Well Is this the same kind of release that your talents got from Warner Brothers? No, no, this is something different by the way Rochester, where are my slippers right here boss? Well, don't just stand there pointing at them take them off Thank you Now Rochester, please go out and get me a sandwich with a corned beef on rye and don't forget the mustard and pickles Okay, and I better bring back some olives too olives. Why the fermenter fell out of your coupling All right, go get my sandwich. Yes See I've got quite a while before I have to be back on stage. I think I'll freshen up my makeup First I better take this old stuff off Now let's see where that jar. Oh here it is Yeah, that ought to be enough Hey, this stuff really takes the makeup off and in that fancy jar. No one would ever guess it's Crisco I wonder if I should shave before I Hmm look at my eyes They're bluer than the thumb of a cross-eyed carpenter I Better put on some more makeup Talking to myself all evening come in Well if it isn't Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow with silver bells and cockleshells and boy, are you a schmoe? Got any more poetry you want to throw my way Never mind, but Mary did you catch my last performance? I caught more than that. Huh? I was in the front row when you took your bow here put it back on your head Well, I'm glad you caught it this time yesterday a lady brought it back and wanted me to autograph it Jack you mean she kept her to pay. She was a midget. She thought it was a mink stole You and your long sideburns Never mind. I look Mary. I want to finish my makeup. So excuse me Wait a minute Jack your jar of cold cream. It doesn't have any label on it. I know J It looks good Smells good too. Who recommended a Percy Westburner max factor Betty Crocker Betty Crocker Uh-huh, but she tells you how to cook and fry and wait a minute. Let me smell that again What are you laughing at? I never thought that buck Benny would turn out to be the Cisco kid All I know is it works anyway Come in oh Bob Crosby. Hi Jack. Hello, Mary. Hi Bob. I didn't mean to keep you waiting Mary But I had a few errands to do waiting. Oh, I meant to tell you Mary I want you and Bob to sing a song together on my radio show Oh, I don't want to do that after all I haven't got the voice of a great singer Well, I've got the name of one. So let's take a stab at it Matter of fact, I just got a letter from him this morning, you know bingers in Paris. Oh, yes I read about that Gosh, how I'd like to be there Say Bob wasn't it in Paris last year when Bing was taking a nap in the park and a French policeman arrested him there Yep, but this time he's taken some precautions to make sure that it doesn't happen again But what did he do? He bought France He bought friends you're surprised, huh? I didn't think Marie Chevalier would sell So much for international news, you know kids, I'm really getting a kick out of doing a stage show here in San Francisco It's nice to get away from Excuse me Hello, here's your party. Go ahead Hollywood. Hello Jack. This is Don Wilson. Oh, what is it done? Jack? I have the most wonderful idea. I just had to call you. What is it done? Well, you know how the entire movie industry is so excited about these new three-dimensional pictures Yes, well, I have an idea for a 3d picture. That's bound to be absolutely sensational. What is it? Well, the opening scene takes place on a tobacco plantation in Goldsboro, North Carolina No, and the scene is so realistic The people in the audience will think they're sitting right in a field of that light that fine that naturally mild tobacco continue Don You fascinate me? Now this is going to be a musical the sportsman quartet comes out and sings a love song to a cigarette No, kid, but remember with 3d picture you have to give everybody in the audience a pair of glasses not for this picture We're going to give everybody an ice tray. Oh Good good now down. We'll talk about when I get back with San Francisco. Okay. So long Jack. Goodbye, Don Here's your sandwich boys. Thanks, Rochester Say this is a nice thick one. Yeah, well, I told the man in the down contestant was for you He put in an extra piece of meat. Gee, he must have liked me put in an extra piece of corned beef, huh? No Hmm Would you like some more mustard on it? No, no, this is fine the way it is That sandwich looks good. Sure does. Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be eating like this in front of you kids Oh Rochester You want me to run across feet and get some more sandwiches? No, see if there's an empty dressing room. I'll go and eat in there Jack come on Mary, I'll take you to dinner. Okay, Bob. Thanks. You can come along to Jack. No, thanks I better stay here and relax so long kids. Bye Jack. So long Rochester I'll have to get dressed pretty soon. So lay out my clothes. Will you please? Okay? Now I think that during my next show, there'll be some critics out front So I want you to sneak out in the audience and when I tell my jokes laugh it up What do you mean again, Rochester, I don't ask you to come in Hello, Jack. Hello Rochester. Well, Fred This is a surprise. What did you get in town last night last night? Well, why didn't you call me at my hotel? You mean you're staying at one that has phones? Well, no, but there's a candy store in the lobby that takes message Gosh, it's good to see you Fred. Tell me what are you doing here in San Francisco? Well, Jack I'm here on business business. Yes, you see Portland needs a milk and mink stole and I've heard there's a midget here Who wants to sell one? You're nearly as bad as Mary there I had some of the fur in my mouth Say boss as long as this town's in town, why don't you put him on your stage show? Well, thank you, Rochester, but I couldn't very well go out on the stage now. I haven't got any material Well, don't you have any of your old portable routines left? Well, if I did I'd be on television You'd be great if you could join me on my stage show Fred Well, I'd really love to Jack, but I have to rush back to Hollywood I've been offered to lead in a new picture a new picture. No dimension. It's a new thing that's coming out When it comes out you don't dimension the whole thing That's better than what we've got written here In this picture Jack, I play the part of a test pilot in Los Angeles I see the picture is called breaking the small barrier Here's a shame you can't stay over Fred so we could appear together be like old times We sure did Rochester we had a lot of fun in those days Oh gosh, you remember Jack how we'd always celebrate with a big dinner at Lindy's every time we got a job Yeah, we'd always get the best shrimp cocktail turtle soup chef salad fillet mignon stuffed potatoes Strawberry shortcake then I top it all off with a big glass of oval team Oh, well he wanted to be asleep when the check came Oh Those were the good old days I'll ever forget the time we rehearsed and polished our act for weeks and we went to see Mickey Rockford The biggest booking agent in New York Come on Fred, I think mr. Rockford's office is down the hall Hey, it's crowded in here Jack. I guess we'll have to talk to the secretary Miss we'd like to see mr. Rockford. Do you have an appointment? appointment, yes, we're Benny and Alan Benny and Alan. Yeah, don't you recognize us? Why is there a reward? You don't you don't understand girly we do a board relax Really, which one throws the fish? Say that is clever Miss you ought to be in show business yourself me and show business Yes, I know a magician who saws a woman in half you look better in two pieces I Take it easy Fred look look miss. We don't we don't want to argue We just like to see our agent mr. Rockford. Well, first I'll need some information now What's the name of your act again Alan and Benny? I? Thought you said it was Benny and Alan well at two o'clock our billing changes I Well, what kind of an act do you do violin clarinet and snappy pattern, huh? And where have you played? Oh all over. Well, where? Well, just just tell her the important dates Jack. Yeah, go ahead. Well, we did a week in South Belly, Wyoming A week in loose tooth, Arizona three days in stagnant water, New Mexico and We also played the palace here in New York South Belly loose tooth stagnant water in the palace Well, at least you worked your way up No, we played the palace first Well Mr. Rockford's busy right now, so just have a seat and I'll call you all right. Oh By the way, mr. Allen, I don't mean to be personal, but are you an American citizen? Yes, I got these slant eyes from pulling off a tight derby Yes, yes, oh very well, mr. Rockford. Oh boys, mr. Rockford will see you now. Good. Good. Come on Fred. Let's go in. Okay Well, come on in fellas come on in close the door sit down. Thank you. Mr. Rockford. I'm Jack Benny This is Fred Allen. That's right, mr. Rockford. Remember you booked our act in the palace seven years ago. Oh Yes, what business are you in now? I Well, we're still in show business. Yes, and we thought you could book us please fellas our new act is Sensational at least give us a chance mr. Rockford. Yes, all we need is one good break You know I gave you a break when I put you in a low-splat bush Some break they opened with things mules and major Dodie's dogs came out then Manny's monkeys Then powers dancing elephants so what well by the time we came out We look like the last two passengers are no as are Well look boys, I'm very busy. I mean mr. Rockford. Just listen to our opening number. It'll only take a second all right But before you oh excuse me it come in Mr. Rockford, here's the 10% commission. I owe you for booking my act last week. Oh, thank you Oh, wait a minute a cute boy, Sonny. What's your name? Eddie Ketter Potatoes are cheaper tomatoes are cheaper now the time to fall in love how about listening to our our new act Oh, all right if you insist ready with your clarinet friend ready, okay? One two Mr. Allen What is it mr. Benny? Have you heard that they're making women's bathing suits out of spun glass? Women's bathing suits out of glass. Well, that's worth looking into I'll take it mr. Allen if you will no mr. Benny I love music so do I music once saved my uncle's life Well, how did music save your uncle's life? They played the star-spangled banner just as he was sitting in the electric chair Oh Mr. Benny yes, mr. Allen. I want you to meet my new girl. Her name is well enough Why do you call your girl well enough because I want the boys to leave well enough In unison What do you think of it? He gets his head out of the draw Maybe he's looking for a contrast Fellows yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, mr. Rockwood to tell you the truth fellas I'm confused the whole act leaves me cold. It's neither fish or foul Well, that's funny the last agent we went to thought it was both Well, mr. Rockwood, you mean you can't book us anywhere Actually, I don't have a thing open for a double. Have either of you considered doing a single What and break up the act why we've been together for years You can't split Benny and Allen. It's ridiculous. We're more than just a team. We're partners friends buddies Why we'd rather starve than let anything come between us Well, that's a shame because I've got an opening for a single and scranton for $15 a week. I'll take it Well, if that's the way you feel I'll take it for $14 a week mr. Rockwood You steal a job away from your partner your buddy your friends some friend What did you ever do for me? Why you puff I'd ingrate for years? You we've lived off my violin my brains my talent my job and my money And you listen you miser as for your violin playing I have heard cleaner notes from a toothless Russian sipping borsh You Are just lucky you've had me and my clarinet clarinet the only way you could make a living with that clarinet as they put a Nail on the end of it and went out in the park Rather than let you hire this no talented wage cutter. I'll take the job for $10 a week Oh, yeah, well, I'll take it for eight. I'll take it for five Well, I'll take it for three. Well, I'll take it for nothing. So will I well at that price. I can afford both of you Did you hear that? We're working Ladies and gentlemen that concludes another program and we'll be with you next week at the same time and Fred It was nice reminiscing. Oh say Jack. We forgot to tell him about the time we played in burning stump, Arkansas Remember that insulting audience. Oh, yes. I remember while we were doing our act The audience threw pennies on the stage and you complained to the manager and when they stopped you complained to the manager Come on Fred, let's go out and get a cup of coffee. Good night, folks Listen again next week to the Jack Benny show Donaldson speaking. This is the United States Armed Forces radio