 The Columbia Broadcasting System presents a new comedy. My Friend Irma. starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane, with John Brown as Al, and life Erickson as Richard. Friendship, friendship, just a perfect friendship. When other friendships have been forgotten, there will still be hope. My Friend Irma. I'm one of thousands of working girls in this country who, for reasons of economy and the desire for companionship, live with a roommate. My roommate is Irma Peterson. You couldn't want to meet a sweeter and more generous person. Irma'll lend you a nylon, she'll lend you a perfume, she'll lend you money. You know, by the way, she acts her times when I'm convinced that she's loaned her mind to someone. Friends, the other day I was reading the newspaper and I said, Irma, look at this. A man is going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. And Irma said, yes, it's not that way. Why did you get married in the first place? She didn't even go to college. But Irma, strangely, is the least of my problems. Right now I'm involved in that fascinating feminine version of fishing. I've got some man I love on the hook and I don't know how to land him. He wouldn't be wonderful. Instead of just being his secretary, I'd be Mrs. Richard Rhineland as a servant. Irma, a yes, Jane, look at this society page. Richard's family is all over it. His mother was guessed as a luncheon. His aunt Cornelia was given a tea by the lady's auxiliary. His father was present at a dinner given in his honor. Well, no wonder they have so much money they never have to buy their own food. Oh, Irma, it all looks pretty hopeless. Hey, Jane, honey, don't be so depressed. Oh, I can't help it. Frankly, I think I'm reaching for the stars. After all, I'm sure Richard's family wouldn't be crazy about the thought of their only son marrying a girl who works. Well, that's easy to overcome. How? Quit your job. Oh, Irma. Honey, I've got to figure something out. Well, I'm glad Al and I have so not have no such worries. You see, ours is a perfect arrangement. How do you mean? Well, we have no financial problems. Our relationship is very simple. I have Al and Al has me and we both have nothing. Well, I'm too busy to argue at the point, so I'll just go along with you. Come in. Oh, Richard. Hello, Jane. I've got to talk to you. Will you excuse us, Irma? Oh, certainly, I understand. Couples like privacy. Gee, you should see how furious Al gets when the cops say move along. Richard, you seem so upset. What is it? Jane, I couldn't wait until I saw you. There's something we must discuss. Now, here, read this, this Broadway column. Now, let me see it. What young society stockbroker was seen with what young secretary at what nightclub on what evening? Richard, what's passing? Three out of four? Jane, I am not concerned with just this item. Now, it's the general idea that my family detests cheap publicity or notoriety. And if there's anything that would kill our chances of getting married, it would be that. Oh, but Richard, remember me? I'm just a poor working girl. How'd I get my name in the paper? Who knows from Jane Stacey? Well, Jane, I just want you to be doubly careful. Now, remember, no publicity of any kind. Oh, Richard, I promise. And believe me, I'll keep my name out of a newspaper if I have to die anonymously. Sure, come on in. Look, Jane, it's Al. Hi, Al. Hello, Al. Hey, why do you look so upset? Got business worries. I was just informed I only got two more weeks before my unemployment insurance runs out. Al, you can always get a job, can't you? Kitty, I came up here to be comforted, not insulted. Well, Irma can comfort you. Richard and I have our own problems. Yes, come on, Jane. We'll discuss it over a cocktail. OK, fine. So long, Al. Be back soon, honey. What do you mean problem? Has Jane got trouble? Well, I think so, Al. You see, Richard's family have their names all over the society page. They're rich and social and they know all the people in the horse he's set. Poor Jane, she doesn't even know any horses in the people's set. You know, chicken, I like Janey and I hate to see a loser swell guy like Richard. But, Al, how can we prevent it? Only one way. We've got to get Jane some sensational publicity. Publicity? Why, certainly. Richard's family gets publicity on the society page. We'll get Jane's name on the front page. That'll put her in solid with the family. Solve everything. But how can we do that, Al? We need help. From who? There's only one man who can help us. Who, Al? Who but... Hello, Joe. Al, got a problem. How can I get publicity for a girl? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No good, Joe. Yeah, I know what it did for Lady Godiva, but they got traffic cops nowadays. What else? Huh? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Great. Got you. Irma got just the thing. Hand me that Daily Gazette. Well, here, Al. Let me see. Oh, here we are. Daily Gazette Baton Beauty Contest. Girl, your chance for fame and fortune. Megalyn, a picture of yourself in a bathing suit to Miss McHugh, contest editor of the Daily Gazette. Married women are ineligible. Ineligible? That's a lie. I've talked to many married women, and I can understand every word they say. Please, Chick. Now, this is what we do. We send in Jane's picture and enter her in the beauty contest. Jane in the beauty contest? My certainly, honey. Can you imagine the expression on Richard's family's face where they open up the paper and see Jane's picture in a bathing suit? Oh, Al, that's wonderful. And Jane's so pretty. I know she'll win, and then after she wins, she'll become a big Hollywood star. Could be. Jane may even win an Academy Award, and she'll bring an Oscar home. Well, Al, we're doing the wrong thing. Why? If she brings Oscar home, Richard will walk out as sure as you're born. Chickens. Oscar is a statue. Now, get out that picture album. We've got to find a great picture of Jane. It's only me, Professor Cropaccio. Tell me, what are you doing with that picture album? Oh, we're trying to find a picture to enter in a beauty contest. Picture in a beauty contest? Beauty is not found in pictures. Beauty is found in the trees, the board, the flowers. What's that picture there? That's Herman, a bathing suit. You know something? I've been wasting too much time in the woods. Well, you are a lucky man. Beauty in a woman is such a priceless thing. In my youth, I searched the continent for a perfect woman. Finally, I found her. She was gorgeous. A perfect face, perfect figure. I was broken up for days. Why? Her husband was a wrestler. He broke me up for days. Tell me, does Jane know you are putting her in beauty contest? No, she doesn't. You see, Professor, we always like to help Jane with her problems. You know, chicken, there isn't one decent picture of Jane in this album. But there's a great one of you in a bathing suit. What are you going to do, Al? We're going to send in your picture and write Jane Stacey's name under it. But Al, that could lead to trouble. What if my picture is in the paper and someone falls in love with me? They'll have to ask my father for Jane's hand. Chicken, we're doing a noble thing. Now write Jane Stacey on the bottom of your picture and put it in that envelope. Well, okay. Shall I enclose the picture? What's that name? You still got room. You could enclose the bathing suit. Say, Professor Crow, the contest closes at five o'clock and this has got to be in the mail. Would you drop it in the mailbox? Certainly. It's a pleasure to deal with people like you. Goodbye. Isn't it a nice feeling doing things for your friend? I bet if Jane knew what we were doing for her, she'd go out of her mind. Yeah. There's nothing like doing a good deed. You know, Chicken, I feel like a Boy Scout. How about a kiss before I go? Certainly, honey. What are you laughing at? No Boy Scout ever kissed like that. He is sound happy. I just left Richard and it was wonderful. He was so attentive. You know, I may be counting my chickens prematurely, but I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he pops the question. What do you think he's going to ask you? Chicken pops the question as a standard phrase. It's used to signify the dying words of a single man. Oh, Jane, darling, you mean you and Richard? Oh, no, not yet, honey, but it looks encouraged. Yeah, but I don't understand. Irma said you had the blues about the guy. Oh, that. Well, Al, some columnist hinted about Richard and me in the newspaper, and if there's anything that could kill my chances with him and his family, it would be any kind of publicity. Yeah, well, Irma and I were thinking a lot... Of course, I have nothing to worry about because I have no more chance of getting publicity than the Queen of Sheba. Right, Irma? Yes, Your Majesty. What's going on with you two? Why are you looking at each other like that? Can't help it, we're in love. Yes, with each other. Then why are you staring like that? We don't trust each other. Well, I only hope that whatever the two of you have been up to doesn't concern me. I wash my hair, so I leave you with two words. Goodbye. Oh, chicken, we're in a lot of trouble, but we can still pull out. I'll tell you what to do. We've got to stop the presses. You've got to go down to a daily gazette and talk to the editor. Well, what'll I say? Say anything, and if you have to, because it's an emergency, flirt with him. Even sit on his lap if you have to, but stop those presses. Oh, hell, that's silly. If I sit on his lap, that won't stop the presses. He'll just increase his circulation. Now between the acts of my friend Irma, it's the sportsman quartet and their novel arrangement of If It Isn't Love. A secret is secret. We've got a little secret. A secret is secret. It's a secret kind of secret. We're aching for a child, it's to every daffodil and tell the world about it. In fact, we think we will. If this isn't love, the world is crazy. If this isn't love, I'm daft as a daisy. With moons all around and cows jumping over. And cows are jumping all over. There's something amiss and we'll either have to If this isn't love, there's an apple on top of William's bell. With this, I cannot grapple because you're so adorable if this isn't love. If this isn't love, we're swinging on stars we're riding on rainbows we're fusting with blitz and we'll kiss your hand to sin if this isn't love. On Fifth Avenue. Wind is shopping, daydreaming about becoming Mrs. Richard Rhineland of the Third. I can just see our wedding day. Irma will be made of honor and best man will be Al. On Second Thought, maybe we better elope. The best man has to carry the ring and I don't want a pawn ticket put on my finger. They're all the cute and I love them. Best friends I have in the world. Always be so embarrassing for her and Richard when her name appears in the paper. We've got to keep it out. Don't you know any big shots? Oh yeah, but they're all on probation. Oh, hello. Huh? Daily Gazette? What's that? Jane Stacey has qualified for the finals at Atlantic City? But listen, mister. Mister! Oh. Oh, chicken, we're trapped. We've got to think of how to get Jane out of trouble. Let's think. I'll try. Sort of anything yet, chicken? No, but I'm thinking. Atta girl, keep trying. How you doing, chicken? I think I'm getting a little closer. Keep trying, honey. Got any thoughts yet, honey? Al? What? Would you mind repeating the question? Oh. Wait a minute, chicken. I think I got the answer to our dilemma. I just remembered. This contest is for single girls. We'll tell them Jane is married. She'll be disqualified and they won't print the picture. Oh, that's wonderful, Al. I'll get them on the phone. Hello, Daily Gazette? Give me the department that's in charge of the bathing beauty contest. Hey, chicken, you talk to them. I'll tell you what to say. Hello? Daily Gazette? Tell them if they plaster that picture of you wearing a bathing suit in the newspaper, they'll wind up in court. So they better not print it. If you print that picture of me in your bathing suit, I'll get plastered and wind up in court wearing the newspaper. No, chicken! No, chicken! Tell them you just found out that the contest is for single girls. And you are meant to have a husband who works and you have four babies. So you should be automatically disqualified and you're sorry. I'm sorry. The contest is for single girls who should be disqualified because I've just found out that I'm a married woman with four husbands and a baby who works automatically. Hold it, chicken! I'll tell you. Hello? Listen, Jane Stacey is married. Yeah, I got four kids on the level. Goodbye. It's all fixed, chicken. Jane won't get no unfavorable publicity. It's a closed chat. Oh, gee, Al, you're so wonderful. I don't know how to reward you. Well, chicken, you know what little Al likes. Oh, Al, you're so persistent. All right. Go to the ice box and get a hard-boiled egg. I'm home. And I can't quite describe the scene of domestic bliss that greets my eyes. Al stretched out upon the sofa eating a hard-boiled egg and Irma's at his feet picking up the shell. Now I know why Al calls her chicken. Irma's always good for a hard-boiled egg. But I don't like the expression on their faces. When the two of them get that angelic look, I know it's time to run for the hills. But I said, Irma. Yes, Jane? Did Richard call? No. Are you sure he didn't phone? No, Jane. I didn't hear the phone ring. I know if he called, he'd have sense enough to ring the phone first. I can't understand it. Come in. Hello, Richard. Richard, what's wrong? You're white and trembling. Maybe he's hungry. Want a hard-boiled egg, Richard? Jane, look at this newspaper. Newspaper? Jane Stacey, contestant in Atlantic City Beauty Contest eliminated upon disclosure that she is married and the mother of four children. Me? Well, finish the lunch. Think I'll be running along. You stay right where you are, Al. Richard, surely you don't believe four children. Why, it's ridiculous. I haven't even left the house. Now, Jane, certainly I don't believe it, but my family read the papers. Now, how will I explain what will I say? Well, just say that Jane isn't married and the children are four typographical errors. Better call home and try to catch them before they read the newspapers and explain things to them. Yes, yes, Richard. That's a wonderful idea. Hello, Dad. Yes, Dad. Yes, Dad. I read four children. What? The morning edition said five. Oh, no, no, it's only four. Oh, I mean... Yes, Dad. Yes, Dad. Yes, Dad. Yes, Mother. Yes, Mother. Yes, Auntie. All right, Jeeves. Well, you know what this means. You have five phones in the house. It's still Irma. Jane, I don't know how I'll explain this to my folks. I don't know how we get into these things. Every time I'm with you, something happens. But Richard, I... There's no point in this talking, Jane. I'd better rush home and see what I do. Bye. My, it's quiet. Just the calm before the storm. Irma Peterson, what have you and that fugitive from an honest living been up to? Oh, Jane, I didn't mean anything. Honest, I thought you wanted publicity, so I sent my picture in your name in the Atlantic Say Beauty contest. And then when we found out that you didn't want publicity, we had to think fast, so we gave you four children. Only four. Well, I'm glad you thought fast, otherwise I'd be leading a parade. Well, Irma Peterson, this is the last straw. We're going right down to the gazette and you're going to straighten everything out, even if you have to enter that contest. Well, I showed Irma what it means to meddle in other people's business. Here we are at Atlantic City. It's strange, doesn't it? Well, I'll tell you something stranger. Irma is Miss Greater New York. The gazette would retract the item about my four children only on condition that Irma go through with the contest. There she is in all her glory walking up and down the reviewing stand. She's wearing a bathing suit, I think. And Al is in his glory. So far he's collected six Cupid dolls and nine boxes of saltwater taffy by putting a brick under his hat and asking the man to guess his weight. But now a fantastic thing has happened. Irma was acclaimed the winner. She was given a large silver loving cup and there she stands on the boardwalk at Atlantic City making her thank you speech. Thank you. Again I say thank you. Did I say thank you? You did. And as you know beauty is not inherited. It's something you get from your mother and father. But I'm so happy because in voting me Miss Greater New York I want to tell you that I will take great pride in executing my responsibility and I want to thank you again for my execution. Hurry up Irma we'll miss our train. Okay. Oh Al honey will you carry my trophy? Certainly chicken. Gee what happened you're limping. Unfortunate accident. Drop my hat on my foot. And so as we left beautiful Atlantic City we waved goodbye. And even the waves wouldn't wave back. When we got home there was a knock on the door and in came Richard. Oh Richard gee it's wonderful seeing you. Now about Atlantic City. I know I know Richard I know we had to go through with it it was the only way to make your family understand everything about me and now they know that I'm in it. Oh of course they do and in fact father saw Irma's picture in the paper. Oh no more trouble. You said it father wants to meet Irma. Well now that Irma has won a cup and has become a celebrity there's no living with her. She really has delusions of grandeur. Because that night as I was trying to get the Atlantic City sand out of my hair Irma said. Gene I'm going to enter another beauty contest but it's important that this one must be a little one. Why? Well now that I've won this cup I'd like to win a saucer to go with it. Well with a cup and saucer quite a dish is my friend Irma. My friend Irma was produced and directed by Sy Howard. The nice script was written by Sy Howard and Park Levy. Remember next week instead of dialing your telephone to listen to your best friend dial your radio to this same Columbia station at the same time to listen to. My friend Irma. Starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as James with John Brown as Val and life erics in this Richard. Professor Kropotkin was played by Hans Connery. Music was by the sportsman quartet. Laurie Webster speaking. This is CBS Columbia Broadcasting System.