 Okay, well let's get back started. This is the second session and this morning. I'm gonna follow Pastor Rick's lead by sitting here Rather than getting behind a pulpit. I like this format. So we're gonna be nice and relaxed this morning We want to talk about practical implications of headship Authority and maybe we'll touch a little bit on submission this morning the practical implications of headship and authority and this is um really the first of multiple Cornerstone intensives that we have this year. We had made plans at our planning meeting last October. I think it was to Have six or seven all-day Saturday events this year where we take a topic and just as a church family we spend time Discussing a topic that we typically don't have the opportunity to discuss during sort of week by week exposition in the scripture So this is a very important subject marriage is extremely Important husbands and wives would certainly say amen and so we want to take some time obviously and spend some time discussing marriage the importance of marriage Some helpful practical things that we can do to have God honoring Christ exalting marriages We want to spend some time doing that but then also Throughout the years will throughout the year. We'll tackle other subjects as well. I think coming up on April 7 There is an intensive all-day intensive on parenting and I think the parenting Emphasis is on kids and technology. So we have so many little kids running around the church and They'll get to that age where between smartphones and yeah tablets and TVs and games Our kids are just being assaulted right by that stuff And so we want to talk to parents about that as well So we'll do that April 7th. I believe market calendar for that and those you'll see those dates coming up in the calendar in the bulletin Okay, so we are talking about practical implications of headship and authority and Again, like I said this this subject extremely important You've got a little worship folder there if you will take some notes Write some text down. Yeah, you want to commit these things to memory Study the text in your daily devotion spend some time thinking about these things It's critical pass the ricks of this morning. You're not applying like Ephesians chapter 5 for example to your marriage You're not gonna have a good marriage really the importance of theology is that theology is a live in the life of God's people by his spirit by his spirit's help We're to apply that theology in our marriages to have a marriage that becomes then a picture of Christ in his church His bride and so very very important to get us started this morning on this subject last year We discussed how Taking personal responsibility Or we discussed resolving conflict and problems In your marriage and the importance of taking personal responsibility in solving those right specifically last year we discussed how Conflict resolution or problems in your marriage Is not a zero-sum game right and what I mean by that is this If you have a like this represents a problem in your marriage right or represents a conflict in your marriage Maybe it represents all of the problems in your marriage if you want to think about it that way, okay? It's not right to think about it in terms of a zero-sum game in other words Maybe the couple comes in for counseling or you're discussing you're discussing this issue in your marriage and the husband says you know what I have My responsibility For the problem and my wife has her responsibility for the problem, right? So let's just you can flip this around easily couldn't you husband says yeah, maybe maybe 20% is me But 80% is her Right and we come in for counseling what counselor is going to do he's going to sort that out He's going to help us. He's going to help her see that and we're going to get this fixed and that's gonna You know make our problems go away That's unfortunately not how it works, so please continue to listen fast for it We tend to think about it that way right she has her problems. I have my problems a Husband is thinking to himself if I can just get her straightened out over there Or she sees thinking to herself if I can just get him straightened out in this area that everything is going to work out Everything is going to be fine and what you get then in that kind of a zero So what is it? What's a zero-sum game a zero-sum game is when the parts equal a hundred or you subtract all the parts you get zero It's one pie chart, right? It's one pie chart and what you get when you view Problems or conflicts in marriage that way as you get blame-shifting you get self-righteous self-justifying Blameshifting what you don't get is you don't get each person in a relationship taking personal responsibility for the problem, right a lot of times what you get is spouses Husbands and wives blaming one another it Perpetuates this downward spiral that we talked about last year right where if you're not taking personal responsibility for your Contributions to the problem then it begins this downward spiral that if it you're if you're not biblically confronting There are biblically resolving conflict then you see it show up in criticism and that's step number one and criticism is when you begin to belittle or demean Criticize your spouse right again. It's not My fault really at the end of the day. It's her fault. It's not my fault. It's his fault, right? It spirals downward rather than biblically dealing with your conflict in love You don't biblically address sin. You don't lovingly confront sin You begin to build a case against your husband you begin to begin to build a case against your wife Really ungodly right? puts your spouse in a position that of being an adversary and Not one flesh a one-flesh relationship with you and you begin to be hostile toward one another I'm resentful bitterness sets in anger sets in Unforgiveness right you begin using words like always and ever she always right are he never and you begin to impune their character This begins the downward spiral that is a Take stock right now take stock right now of your relationship If you've had those kinds of conflicts either you're currently having them or those been that's been the nature of your conflict in the past You're already in this level right you're already in this level if you've gone past lovingly biblical Confrontation lovingly biblically dealing with sin in your relationship, and you're already on the downward spiral It's just a matter of where all right so if anger has come into your relationship resentment bitterness Unforgiveness criticism building a case against your spouse. She always he never that those kinds of things are all indications of this right unchecked criticism Leads to the second level and these levels mind you are They can all be taking place at the same time or you may skip around, but the next one is contempt It gets ugly really quick doesn't it? Contempt you can read my writing sorry I'm gonna try to do better this morning contempt Unchecked criticism leads to contempt now you're harsh You're hostile You're rolling your eyes right She starts talking you're like That's that's those are signs of contempt That hostility breathed in your relationship You're spiteful Contempt leads to this is all by way of review It leads to counter-attacks counter-attacks and here is Where you begin an offensive against your spouse You begin using words that wound Maybe actions That harm or wound right maybe the relationship you get physical you start bowing up on each other right? You intentionally use language to harm or To hurt you know where to press a button like you know what's going to set him off And so you put your finger right on it right because you want to It's um it becomes a counter-attack and in this this relationship, right? And it's downwardly spiraling out of control ungodly unbiblical relationship Your adversaries Your adversaries now you're not on the same side You're not on the same team your adversaries and because your adversaries if you can see an inch it feels like a loss Feels like you're lose I can't lose I'm not gonna let them win one inch, right? I'm gonna take it all I'm gonna insist that I win Husbands really often have a tendency to bulldoze their wives Wives have a tendency to become very emotionally lashing out at their husbands That's the way this looks you're now sort of enemies in the same household where you're acting right the way that goes You know there may be times right where? These things don't take place, but as soon as there's a conflict you see it right you see it and you see it at one level or another counter-attacks Eventually all of this leads to collapse. So if you can sort of remember The four C's here if you're not biblically confronting sin biblically dealing with conflict resolution then It's very likely you're at one stage or another of this kind of an ungodly unbiblical un-Christ like sinful spiral, okay Collapse is when one or both withdraw Right, I can't get anywhere with him or her any longer. So I'm gonna stop talking The person raises something up and it's like okay No, honey. I've got to work until nine o'clock tonight. Sorry. I'm not gonna be home, right? Or I'm gonna go out with the guys tonight. I'm gonna go out with the ladies tonight I'm not gonna spend time with you at home or a husband retreats to Video games until 11 30 12 o'clock at night wife goes to bed alone Husbands out watching TV right or a wife, you know on the computer Husband goes to bed. You know, it's those kinds of things right? You know what I'm talking about you can all you know sort of imagine where these things are prevalent in a relationship, right think about maybe your own experience In your relationship my wife and I were married before we were converted and I was a miserable excuse I'm not much better now, but I was a miserable excuse for a husband back then so We have gone through every one of these every one of these levels So maybe you have to in your married relationship have seen these before This reaches a point Where one or both of you become exasperated and you just don't know what to do any longer, right? Everything sort of spirals down really quickly The only piece you get is when things are either superficial or one of you is absent from the other Just an ugly picture, right? There's an ugly ugly picture We've got responsibility to deal with that. I must be dealt with Must be dealt with in a biblical way and we must honor the Lord in our marriages We want to encourage you not to think about your Marriage problems in your marriage or conflicts in your marriage as a zero-sum game We want you to think about it this way each person Has their own circle and Each circle is 100 percent. The wife has her Responsibility she is 100 percent responsible For the problems that take place in her marriage 100 percent responsible for her contribution to that 100 percent responsible for working on that for resolving conflict for going to the Bible for repenting of sin for praying for leading her kids for Submitting to her husband. She's 100 percent responsible for her marital relationship. The husband is 100 percent responsible for the conflicts that take place in the marriage 100 percent responsible To lead his family to love his wife Sacrificially to discipline his kids 100 percent responsible for resolving conflict Biblically 100 percent responsible for repenting of sin right leading the household each person has 100 percent responsibility of the example that we used last year briefly with respect to that Was the the pulse nightclub shooting, you know it had happened not too long prior to that and We talked about Omar Mateen the Muslim that went in there and shot those people Terrible tragic thing and he was 100 percent responsible for a vicious heinous wicked deplorable Disgusting crime right where he murdered people in that place but a Person who was there Who went there to sin who was there sinning? There 100 percent responsible for their actions that put them in that place at that time They bear responsibility for having They weren't there honoring the Lord Right there weren't they weren't there you know obedience to the Lord They bear 100 percent responsibility. So this is not a zero-sum game. Everybody bears responsibility in marriage You each have a hundred percent circle The husband's circle right we take the husband's 100 percent Husbands in your circle in your circle is love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness self-control Forgiveness love it all goes in your circle right love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her That's in your circle Ephesians 429 is in your circle let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth But what is good for necessary edification that it may impart grace to the hearers Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption Let all bitterness Wrath husbands let all anger clamor evil speaking be put away from you with all malice That's all in your circle Be kind to one another tender hearted forgiving one another even as God in Christ forgave you dwell with her with understanding and Because she's the weaker vessel honor her as the weaker vessel my husband's that's all in your circle your 100 percent Your 100 percent Responsible to ensure that in your high in your house in your marriage in your relationship There is kindness gentleness self-control love Patience joy right all those things wives In your circle wives your circle includes love Joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness self-control Wives in your circle you are to forgive Your husband see that you respect your husband submit to your husband as unto the Lord in everything That's in your circle wives Suffer long and be kind believe all things bear all things hope all things endure all things you see how this works, right? Both circles you have 100 percent Responsibility for that now think about it with me if two people are doing that What's the likelihood of there being any conflict in the marriage? Yeah, it doesn't take much to think about right it's slim to none If one person behaves that way it's it's really difficult to argue with a person who is conducting themselves in that way, right? We have 100 percent responsibility for that, but this morning We want to talk about spend some time talking about is the husband's circle, okay? I want to spend some time talking about the husband's circle Husbands and wives with respect to conflict you may have sin To confront in your spouse loving confrontation is your responsibility. It's in your circle Well, what does the bible say Matthew chapter seven verse three if you're going to do that and make sure you've got the plank dug out of your own eye first Before you deal with the speck in your brother's eye your husband's eye or your wife's eye, right? Otherwise if you don't do that you are a Hypocrite you don't do that. You're a hypocrite, okay? You may be married to an unconverted person Maybe your spouse is not saved You have a 100 circle All right, you are responsible for your circle If your spouse is unconverted um I think it's extremely important to note That although although as individuals accountable to god Both husband and wife must take personal responsibility for laboring to maintain a godly marriage relationship Although there are two circles Right, although there are two circles. There is one head There is one head Jesus says is uh as christ is the head of the body his ride to church And the husband is the head of his wife So we want to spend some time this morning talking about the husband's circle the husband as head wives as we do this You will notice ways In this where you can love and respect your husband more the way that god has called you to love and respect them Wives you can consider as we go through this Ways in which you should be more submissive to your husband So I want you to be thinking about that But husbands we want to spend some time specifically talking about your circle um In light of all this right in light of the fact that marriage Is not a zero-sum game that each person has 100 responsibility for their own circle, so to speak Imagine that a an employee At troys sub shop right john smith sub an employee of troys fails to handle the meat In accord with code And people get sick eating at john smith subs Who is ultimately responsible for that troys? And john smith But what about the employee? They bear they bear guilt right, but who's ultimately responsible troys A caregiver right a caregiver working for dale at senior helpers Makes a critical medication error and somebody dies Who is ultimately responsible for that? Dale Dale is ultimately responsible for that right Remember the two sons of elie in first annual chapter two The two sons of elie in first annual chapter two corrupt the worship of god They make the worship of god abominable in the eyes of the people They're sleeping with the meet the women who assemble outside the tabernacle of meeting right and who does god give ultimately god kills Those two boys right he kills them, but who is ultimately responsible for that? Elias and god tells elie listen you esteemed your sons higher you honored them more than me That's what he tells elie and eventually he kills elie too All right Paul says this in first Corinthians chapter 11 verse 3 write some of these down and just go back and look at them first Corinthians chapter 11 verse 3 I want you to know paul says That the head of every man is christ the head of woman is man and the head of christ is god That is counter cultural today All right, and people bristle bristle against that, but it is it can't be any clearer I want you to know that the head of every man is christ the head of woman is man And the head of christ is god and that doesn't mean That doesn't mean that jesus christ is not equal with god in his essence in his nature and his being That's what we're referring to when we talk about that we're referring to the ontological trinity Ontologically they are equal in their being in their essence in their nature right, but it does mean It does mean that there is an authority that the father has executed over the sun And that's what we refer to when we talk about the economic trinity You understand the difference between ontological or being an economic function work With with reference to how the father and the son relate to one another We're referring to the economic trinity. There is a way in which the father has executed Hedship or authority authority over the son within the trinity Within the trinity the father is the economic head of the son When christ submitted himself to the will of the father christ was not inferior christ was somehow not unequal He did not consider it to be robbery Did not consider it robbery to be equal with god right the son is equal to the father and so this authority does not imply inferiority They're equal But there is an economic authority given to the father both men and women both men and women are created in the image of god Paul says in glacial chapter three verse 26. He says this listen You are all sons of god through faith in jesus christ. He's talking to men and women You are all sons of god through faith in jesus christ Or as many of you as we're baptized into christ have put on christ There is neither june or greek. There is neither slave nor free. There is neither male nor female for you are all We could say ontologically One In christ jesus right we have equal value in that sense But peter says that husbands and wives are heirs together of the grace of life. Okay However, however economically The husband is the head of the wife Paul says in Ephesians 5 23 the husband is head of the wife as also christ is head of the church And he is savior of the body That's where paul gets that theology from this understanding I want you to know first christians 11 3 ahead of every man is christ the head of woman is man and the head of christ is god Now what's the point of all that? We've got to understand that reality right women Wives you need to understand that reality men you need to understand that reality and it's worth meditating on and thinking about The man is head of the wife What's the point everything that takes place Everything that takes place everything that doesn't take place in a marriage Good bad sinful righteous Occurs under the purview of the husband's headship And is therefore the husband's responsibility Now think about that with me. Okay Everything that takes place Everything that takes place Everything that doesn't take place. It should take place Good bad sinful right wrong righteous unrighteous All of that occurs under the purview of the man's headship in a marriage And is therefore the husband's responsibility guys it is your responsibility That's weighty isn't it you stop to think about um, maybe the things that have gone on in your marriage Issues you've had in the past problems that have come up things that have happened shouldn't have happened should have happened Way things were dealt with handled not handled husbands that ultimately Is your responsibility at the end of the day at the end of the day your circle encompasses all circles Your circle encompasses everything, you know if um, we would be right we would be right When a couple comes in for marriage counseling To assume That it's entirely the man's responsibility Husband and wife come in they they're thinking to themselves she's got all these problems She's thinking he's got all these problems. We can just get him fixed her fix Everything's gonna work out fine We would be right to assume that when a husband and a wife come into marriage counseling that it is entirely the man's responsibility Just so we are on the same page. Okay Men you have a hundred percent circle with respect to this A wife may sin Men your your wife may sin And she bears the guilt Before god for her sin. She bears responsibility for her sin Right, it doesn't take away the responsibility of that john smith sub employee for mishandling the meat Right, it doesn't take their responsibility. They're guilty of doing that But husbands you bear the responsibility ultimate responsibility is with the head Doug wilson Emphasizing the one flesh nature of a covenantal marriage relationship said this a husband Can no more blame his wife for the state of their marriage than a thief can blame his hands I think about that for a moment. Okay Much of this comes from Doug wilson. Uh, there's a couple of books that Doug wilson wrote. This is really really helpful One's reforming marriage another one is called federal headship Is really really good written some some good things with respect to marriage and a family really really helpful A husband can no more blame his wife for the state of their marriage than a thief can blame his hands No, though that doesn't make the husband guilty for his wife's sin. Yeah, that's it. Okay We're gonna get there. So we're gonna keep moving and if I don't answer specifically q and a We're gonna we're gonna get there. We're gonna get there. Okay Um, all right doesn't make the husband guilty of his wife sins. His wife still bears the guilt of her own sin But um, the husband is responsible It doesn't Make the husband guilty of person any more than it makes elie Guilty of the sins of his sons that makes sense But elie held responsible elie's held responsible Um, we're talking about covenant responsibility right covenant responsibility the husband has Covenant responsibility for his wife and for his marriage for his family This kind of covenant love Is displayed most gloriously in the person and work of jesus christ Right, we see that most clearly in the work of christ for those. He is covenantly Responsible for the lord jesus christ didn't sin your sins Right, you're guilty of sinning your sins You're responsible for sinning the sins that you have sinned jesus christ didn't sin the sins that you sin But he took responsibility for them on the cross if you're in him Right if by faith by repentant faith you put your trust in christ and you turn from your sin Then although he didn't personally commit your sins. He bore the wrath reserved for them Right, he's the one who took he bore your guilt bore your shame for that sin on the tree We don't atone for our wives in marriage right men But we seek to love her as christ loves the church and christ took responsibility for the sins of his people And he took that upon himself and we must do that By taking responsibility for her As the lord has done with us In the flesh That's really difficult to do right We don't want to take responsibility for her sins most of the time listen men Oh, I don't want to be Uncharitable now. I can't say most of the time much of the time in our flesh We want to blame her for her sins We want to level her sins upon her we want to weigh her down with her sins Right when we were we respond in the flesh. That's how we respond. Um, that's the flesh. That's natural man We want to make her feel the weight of it So to speak in an argument you may want to bulldoze her So that she feels the full weight of your sin and the entire time you're heaping weight upon her You're attempting to offload weight from your own shoulders It's self-justifying hypocritical self-righteous blame shifting. It's what you're doing All right, um, and guys, we can't do that the example This one was a helpful one is that um husband's name is bill Right husband's name is bill wife's name is sue Their last name is smith Then bill Is responsible for bill and the smiths That makes sense He is he is the smiths He's responsible for the entity that is the smiths Um, as an as an individual, he's not only responsible for his own person He's responsible now for this corporate entity called the smiths. He's responsible for a marriage or family wife Paul assists us with this in a text that pastor rick was going over this morning. Let's look at it again in Ephesians chapter five um Ephesians chapter five And again, this is good guys to spend some time Meditating on and I want to give you some practical help to do that here before the our time is up But just to meditate about this a little more in depth Look at chapter phesians chapter five verse 22 So paul says here wives submit to your own husbands As to the lord Why right? He tells wives wives Submit to your own husbands as to the lord. Why verse 23 because before Because the husband is the head of the wife as also christ is the head of the church And he is savior of the body. This is really really convicting and um Really convicting for the same reason the pastor rick pointed out in his uh session this morning I'm not thinking about it from the perspective of the wife Even though he's telling wives to submit thinking about it in first from the perspective right now of the husband as being one to him The wife should submit Really really convicting right weighty and difficult So men let it rest right For the husband is the head of the wife as christ also is the head of the church and he is savior of the body therefore Just as the church is subject to christ So let the wives be subject to their own husbands and everything and notice that it's not communicated In the form this instruction Regarding headship is not communicated here in the form of an imperative a command Um husbands. He doesn't say husbands husbands be the head of your wife. He doesn't say that right husbands You ought to be the head of your wife husbands strive to be the head of your wife It's given here as a statement of fact given as an indicative not an imperative It's given as an indicative a statement of fact husbands. He says you are You are the head of your wife right husbands. You are the head of your wife in our world in our society our culture Lost saved doesn't matter In a marriage relationship that marriage instituted that that institution created by god Whether the husband leads or doesn't lead whether the wife leads or doesn't it doesn't all that none of that matters The husband is the head of the wife So there are there are significant implications for that right if you are a you're lost man And you're not leading your wife. You're going to face accountability for that If you're here you're claiming to be a christian and you're not leading your wife You're going to stand before god and you're going to make give an account to that wife because you are the head of your wife Right. You are the head of your family Um This is the nature of your relationship to your wife the nature of your relationship is that you are the head God has designed it that way no matter how our culture perverts that and twists it Right. No matter how many jacks and steves get married. No matter how many domineering Women marry weak, lymphatic men. It doesn't matter men. You are the head of your wife That's the nature of our relationship god has designed it that way and whether you think you are or think that you are not Whether you are leading or are not leading right obeying or not obeying lazy or disciplined Regardless you are leading You are leading so you're either leading by your faithfulness or you're leading by your negligence right Some husbands run away from their responsibilities Um Right they avoid their responsibilities. They'll divorce their wife moved to another state Um, they will neglect their wives by stupid video games until all hours of the night watching tv Being a workaholic, which is my particular problem, right just those kinds of Things they'll do to avoid Avoid the marriage avoid responsibility. You can lead by faithfulness or you can lead by negligence Some they lead by their absence when they withdraw There's a vacuum that's created because now that leadership is not being fulfilled in the home And so in the absence or in the vacuum of male headship all manner of Sin develops right Something's going to lead right and your absence may be the thing that's dominating the home A man's weakness may be the thing that dominates the home a man's anger Maybe the thing that dominates the home a man's Absence may be the thing that dominates the home a man's negligence Maybe the thing that dominates the home, right? But the man is the head of life and the man is the head of the family and it's going to be that um in some capacity that man is is leading. In a husband's weakness, if you have a domineering wife at home, it is because the man is weak. And that weakness becomes an observable, obvious characteristic of that home, right? His sin, his sin may become the observable evidence of a lack of headship in the home. That may be the thing that leads, that fills the vacuum. If the husband is a hypocrite, the husband lies about the relationship between Christ and the church. He lies about Christ to his family. In other words, your leadership, man, my leadership in the home, your leadership in the home is not a choice. You are the head of your wife and you can't escape that responsibility. You can't neglect it, shirk it, run away from it. You're going to be accountable for it. It's just a question, it's just a question of how you're leading, where you're leading, what you're doing in that role as head. You may be creating a vacuum of headship and that vacuum then is dominating the home, okay? The vacuum is leading then. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11, 3, again, I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man and the head of Christ is God. Wilson again, arguing with the fact of the husband's headship in the home is like jumping off a cliff in order to quarrel with the law of gravity. Martial the argument on the way down however you may like, he will eventually find himself refuted in a messy way, right? You can't argue with gravity on the way down off the cliff. Imagine with me for a moment, right? As we think about this, imagine men like right now take stock of your weakness, right? Acknowledge for a moment your own particular ways of sitting in your relationship, your own weakness, your own failures, right? And think for a moment men, how would your wife thrive or flourish in joy under more Christ-like headship? Now I can think to myself, wait, if there were just a perfectly godly husband leading my wife, how would my wife thrive and flourish? How joyful would she be, how she would grow and mature? That should be really, really convicting, right? I know my weaknesses, my failures, my inabilities, I know my own particular ways of sitting, right? So think about that and then attain it, right? We have a responsibility to, we have 100% responsibility as head of our wives to be a godly head. As Christ love the church, we're to love our wives. We are head of the wife as Christ is head of the church, head of the body, right? Let's keep going in the text. This is Ephesians chapter 5, look at verse 25. Here come the imperatives, right? Here's how then you are to exercise your headship. Verse 25, husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her. That he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word. That he might present her to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So in this way, husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just as the Lord does the church. So he gives two examples here of how men are to love their wives. First, verse 25, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her, that's one way. The second way is just verse 28, just as their own bodies, he who loves his wife loves himself, right? So first, we're to love our wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her. We talked about the covenant responsibility that the Lord Jesus Christ took for his own people, right? He died for their sins, paid the penalty for their sins. In John chapter 12, verse 27, the Lord says, now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? Father saved me from this hour, but for this purpose I came to this hour. You remember this text when we're going to the Gospel of John, the Lord Jesus Christ coming to the cross has an understanding of what's about to take place, right? What we see on the cross is not the fraction of it, right? You've heard the term synecdoche. It's a part for the whole, a part for the whole. So we see laid out on Scripture, laid out in Scripture or if you've seen the passion movie or things like that, you see the suffering, the physical suffering that Jesus Christ went through, his shed blood, he was marred more than any man, his visage marred more than any man. We see that he was stricken, smitten, and afflicted. We see that, but that is a part representing the whole. What we don't see is the wrath of Almighty God poured out on Christ for that sin, for my sin, for your sin, if you're in Christ. That's the cup that had Jesus Christ in anguish, in horror, in the garden, right? That's what he was sweating great drops of blood over. That's what had him praying to the Father. If there's any way this cup can be removed from me, Lord, let it happen. Nevertheless, not my will, but your will be done, right? That is what the Lord Jesus Christ did for his bride. Can you imagine the Lord Jesus Christ complaining about his bride? You imagine the Lord Jesus Christ pointing a wagging finger at his bride. Christ loved his bride with an efficacious love, right? With a working love, cleansing love. He loved her in a way that transforms her. Verse 26, cleansing her, sanctifying her with the washing of water by the word. That's how Christ loved his bride, and that's the command we're giving in verse 26, that we should love our wives that way, that we should sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word. That, she might be presented to Christ, a glorious church not having spot a wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. It's in this way that husbands are to love their wives, right? He assumes responsibility for her sanctification. He assumes responsibility for her increasing godliness. The husband assumes responsibility for her increasing Christ likeness, right? He assumes responsibility for her. Husbands are responsible for their wives. Husbands, you are the head, right? We are the head. He's not merely defined. His love is not merely defined by what he feels, but the Lord's love is defined by what he accomplishes. By what he does, we need to define our love for our wives in the same way, right? By what we accomplish in them, for them, through them. We need to have that same kind of thought process of wanting to see her more godly, wanting to see her more Christ-like. And when she's not, we bear responsibility for that. We are the head of the wife, right? It's a weighty responsibility, right guys? Secondly, we're to love our wives just as our own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, the Lord says, or Paul says there in verse 28, which means you should care as much for the well-being and joy of your wife as you do for your own well-being and joy, your own welfare. Let's look at verse 30. 4, because we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother, be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. You see the similarity of the two pictures there, right? He's intentionally drawing a connection between those two. This is a great mystery, he says in verse 32, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let each one of you in a particular, in particular, so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. So the husband is the love, wives, you are to respect. If wives, as you sit there and think about these responsibilities of your husband, should it not engender respect for him, that he voluntarily takes on that kind of weight for you? Husbands, in marrying your wives, you took that responsibility. It is your responsibility. Now, wives see to it, see to it, that you respect your husband, right? See to it that you respect your husband. Now, notice how those commands are also suited to the particular needs that we have in the relationship. It's also suited to God's design for male headship. Male, the husband needs to be respected. A wife needs to be loved, right? Women need the kind of love expressed in Ephesians chapter 5 in order to flourish and to thrive. Men need the kind of respect that's being called for, demanded in Ephesians chapter 5 from the wife. And wives, you are required to give it. Men, you're required to give love. Ladies, you're required to give respect. Not because husbands, you have earned respect, and not because wives, you've earned that love. We don't deserve it. We don't deserve it, but it's required by God that we give it. These are covenant responsibilities. Men are required to love their wives sacrificially in the ways that we've discussed. Women required to respect their husbands. So here's how male headship works then, right? Men, your circle involves 100% responsibility for seeing that Ephesians 5, among other texts, right, are obeyed. You read a text like Ephesians chapter 5, you bear 100% responsibility for seeing to it that Ephesians 5 is characteristic of your home. It's also your responsibility to see it, see to it that Romans 13 is characteristic of your home. At 1 Peter chapter 3, it's characteristic of your home, right? All these other texts. You are responsible for her role. You are responsible for your role. You're responsible for her role, and you're responsible for your role. You are the head. It's safe to assume, it's safe to assume that if there are problems in the relationship, those problems are completely your responsibility. It doesn't mean that she doesn't bear guilt for her sin in the relationship, and you must love as part of your responsibility to lovingly confront her in sin, and to lovingly deal with sin in the relationship. But you are responsible. If a man then, okay, if a man then is complaining about his wife, I think with me, okay, if a man is complaining about his wife, he is not exercising biblical headship in the home. And worse than that, he's slandering his wife. He's gossiping against his wife, right? It's malice. If a man is complaining about his wife, he is not exercising biblical headship in the home. If you're complaining about your wife to yourself under your breath in the car on the way to work. Listen, it's your responsibility. Stop complaining. What are you going to do about it? Yes, please, brother. Very, very good. Yes, very good, Doug Wilson. Yeah, amen. Yeah. Yeah, amen. Yeah, leaving the home. That's right. That's right. That's right. Yeah. No, and husbands have a head too, right? It's not just the wives, head of the wife is a husband. The husbands have a head and they need to lead in submitting to their head. Any questions, thoughts about that? It's weighty, right, guys? I mean, just leveling weight. Yes. Pardon me. Yeah, how are we? Amen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, amen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, amen. You know, I think about that too with respect to work. I mean, just a little incidental aside with respect to that. Men are called to work. Men are called to work. Women, what are you called to? You're called to be his helper. So we live in a world in age right now where men and women often both work outside the home. It goes against what the Bible has taught, right? Sometimes that's not an option. Men and women have to work outside the home. You want to work it and work towards fulfilling the picture of marriage that God has instituted in his word for you and rectify that situation at virtually every cost to be able to do that. But men work, women, you're to help him in the work. You are the helper. So he has a vocation or he has a calling. Ladies, your responsibilities to help him in that. It's not that you are too functionally operating autonomous individual entities doing your own work. As a family, men are the head. Husbands, you're the head of the house. But ladies, one of your responsibilities is to help him support support him in his work, help him work the work that he's been called to do. That's one of the ways that you respect your husband, submit to your husband. You enable him to do what he's been called to do. And you're to make it such that he can accomplish more in his work, the work that he's been called to do. Men, that doesn't mean that you can neglect your family, neglect your wife in your work, or that you can escape quote unquote in your work. You have a responsibility to care for your family, be the head. Think with me about this, okay? Few things by way of application. Maybe you're married to an unbeliever. And so your spouse is not converted. Maybe I'm just going to give you and if these things resonate with you, I'm going to ask you in a minute to take stock of where you're at. But if these any of these resonate with you, think about them, write them down. Maybe you're married to an unbeliever. If any of these spark a Q&A question, those cards Brian was telling you about, get those, you know, fill that on a card, we'll talk about it after lunch. Maybe your wife is unfaithful in her responsibilities. Wives have a responsibility to keep the home. Wives have a responsibility to prepare meals for the household. Wives have a responsibility to be managers of the home while husbands are managing the work. Wives, that's your responsibility. Now, husbands, if your wives are working full time out of the house, well, then you need to go back to a Titus two model for marriage, or you need to pitch in them, right? I mean, that's the situation you have put her in. And it's a it's a it's a wicked deception of feminism in our day. This whole double income wives working out of the home, because what it ends up doing is it ends up oppressing the wife even more. She's oppressed by a weak, limpristed husband, and then oppressed by having to work outside the home and do things that the husband won't do in the home. So she ends up doing both, right? Don't do that to your wife, right? But maybe she's not being faithful in her responsibilities. Maybe she's not teaching the kids the way that in the way that you understand the Bible, the way that she should be teaching the kids. Maybe she's unfaithful and following the Lord, right? She's not active in commitment to the local church. So around here, she's not being faithful. Maybe she's not being faithful in evangelism. She's not being faithful in coming to small group. Maybe she's not being faithful in reading her Bible. Whatever that is, right? Think with me for a moment, right? Maybe things have deteriorated in your marriage so far to the point now that you have forfeited any ability to influence her. Because things have gotten to be the point where so bad that you can't lead any longer, or that she won't listen, or that it just erupts in virtual violence, when you bring something up. Maybe your wife, your family is now so spiritually malnourished because of your negligence that you don't know where to start. Maybe you've handled yourself so poorly in the past that you have lost the respect of your wife. Maybe you're concerned about the amount of money that your wife spends. Maybe you're concerned in your homes, in your home with habits of entertainment, right? How much TV she watches or doesn't watch your kids, how much they watch or don't watch, right? Choices about that, how the homes kept. Maybe, maybe the problem is around a lack of intimacy in the home, right? How your wife views intimacy, how frequently you are or how infrequently you aren't intimate. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe it's how the kids are disciplined, how they're talked to. Any of those things, right? Think through, take stock of where you're at and ask yourself, what men, what are we then? As heads of our households, as head of the wife, what are we then to do? What is your responsibility? You are the head of your wife. You're the head of your household. What it doesn't entitle you to do is to get angry. What it doesn't entitle you to do is raise your voice. What it doesn't entitle you to do is complain or get bitter or get resentful or resort to, you know, harsh words with your wife. It doesn't entitle you to be self-righteous or self-justifying. It doesn't entitle you to ignore the plank in your own eye. It doesn't entitle you to walk around the house stomping around like a despot or a tyrant, right? It doesn't entitle you to be that way. But what are we, as the heads of our household, to do practically? Let me give you some things to write down. One, confess your own sin before God and repent. If any of that is the state of your home or if there are problems like that that are just neglected, they've not been dealt with, then you bear responsibility, man. Confess your sin before God and repent. You bear responsibility. Acknowledge the ways in which you have contributed to the circumstances, right? You have contributed to the circumstances. For the typical husband, that list will be lengthy, right? Bear responsibility. Confess your own sin before God and repent. Number two, we must begin by confessing the sins of our household before God and assume full responsibility for them. To the degree that your marriage doesn't reflect a Christ-exalting, God-honoring marriage, then confess the sins of that. Confess the sins of your marriage, the sins of your household. Like Eli should have confessed the sins of his sons. You confess the sins of your household before God and you assume full responsibility for them. You bear full responsibility for them, right? I'm preaching to the choir. As I say those words, I feel the weight, right? Feel the weight. As covenant head of your household, you men are responsible to confess the sins of your household. And so we're clear here, right? I want to be clear. Your wife is not the proverbial noisy neighbor. In other words, the problem isn't over there with her. The problem is over here with us, right? Right, men? The problem is not with her. The problem is with you. Part of your confession should be the many times that you blamed her, the many times that you failed to take responsibility, right? If you've lashed out at her, used harsh words with her, if you've ever laid a finger on her, I mean, right, we bear responsibility, men? Acknowledge your own failure to exercise your headship appropriately and accept, assume full responsibility for it. You are responsible, right? Third, run all of it, run all of it through the filter or the lens of loving your wife as Christ loved the church. You're going to confess your own sins before God. You're going to confess the sins of your household and assume full responsibility. And third, you're going to run everything that you think, everything that you're thinking about, everything that you're now contemplating working on. You're going to run that through the filter or lens of loving your wife as Christ loved the church. In other words, in what you now begin to acknowledge as sin or problems or whatever the case may be, it's not because of your tyrannical scruples, but you're going to be loving towards your wife, sacrificial towards your wife, needs to be run through the filter or the lens of loving your wife. Is it going to be beneficial for your wife? Is it going to be sanctified for your wife? Is it going to be helpful to your wife to fix these things, run it through the filter, the lens of loving your wife as Christ loved the church? Number four, when and only when you have accepted full responsibility from the heart for the spiritual condition of your home, when that is understood, when the weight of that is felt, when you have mourned over that, when every shred of self-justifying, self-righteous blame-shifting has been put off, when you've taken the nasty plank out of your own eye, in other words, then sit down and talk with your wife. Number four is to sit down and talk with your wife. It needs to be in a spiritual place where you can have that conversation in a godly way. You need to be spiritually capable, spiritually ready to have that kind of a conversation. Confess your sins before God, confess the sins of your household, assume full responsibility for them, run it all through the filter of the lens of loving your wife as Christ loved the church, and then when you have fully accepted responsibility, sit down and talk with your wife. Let me give you some guidelines for that conversation, right, some guidelines for that conversation. One is you're not going to have that conversation in an accusational way. You're not going to sit down and accuse. You're not there to accuse, right? If you if you start accusing her, go back and repeat step number one through, really one through four. You're not there, right? You must acknowledge, you must acknowledge the reality of her sin. You must acknowledge the reality of her negligence, if any. You're going to acknowledge the reality of her sin, that for which she is truly guilty, but you're not going to have an accusing spirit. In other words, you're not there to point out her need for repentance. You are there repenting. Makes sense? You are there in a heart of repentance. Two, one, do not accuse. Two, confess your failure to her in exercising headship. Confess your negligence in loving her. Confess your failure in dealing with this. You're confessing your failure. Three, then make clear what your expectations are. So to that point, make clear what your expectations are. Do not accuse number one. Do not accuse. You're not going there to accuse. Number two, confess your sin. Confess your failure in exercising biblical headship. Three, make clear what your expectations are for her and for your household in the future. There are things that your wife must do that you cannot do for her. You should not do for her. They're not your responsibility. You cannot tolerate a lapse into old ways of doing things. This is the time for change, time for repentance, time for moving forward. This is a tough conversation, right? Gently explain that these are things or that this is something that must be done in this conversation. You have to exercise patience, gentleness, kindness, goodness, self-control, and you're not as much pointing to her or pointing her to repentance as much as you are exhibiting the fruits of repentance here. Four, you must have plans of something in place for regular checks, regular communication, regular prayer, regular bible study regarding these things. It is the old adage you have to inspect what you expect, right? If you neglect that what you expect, it's not going to happen. That's right. You have to inspect what you expect. You need time together. You need time together where you're communicating with one another, where you're talking about these things. Again, men, you cannot lose control. You cannot be angry. You cannot be bitter. You cannot be resentful. You cannot sin. You cannot sin, right? You are the head of your wife, the head of your spouse, the head of your family. Five, keep it broad and representative. In other words, this is not a 25-year list of grievances that you have collected over time. We're not to keep a record of wrongs. This is not a individual thing. You did this in 1986 and I was really, and I have never forgiven you for it. Not anything like that. It's a representative list of necessities. So let me give you an example of what I mean by that. Let's say that your wife is responsible for keeping the house, keeping the house, and the house just isn't clean. House isn't clean, right? This is an example, a representative thing. You can pick any number of things. The house isn't clean. So you come to your wife and it's like you didn't dust in 1986 and you didn't dust in 1987 and you didn't prepare meals in 1988 and you didn't do laundry 1989. It's like, honey, put your words to this. The house isn't up to par here and we need to do it. You don't even need to use a week. You need to do a better job of maintaining the house. What that may look like is 13 things. You're not going to give 13 things because 13 things will overwhelm her. You're going to work slowly over time. You're going to give her one thing. Let's work on doing the dishes after the meal. Let's work on doing laundry a little bit through the week so we're not piling it up over three weeks and doing it all at once. Whatever that is, whatever that is, but you're going to give her a representative list of necessities so she's not overwhelmed. And then let me remind you if she's working full-time or if she's working part-time, if she's working then you're going to have to take that into consideration. You're going to have to talk through that, right? If she's working you're going to have to talk through that. Ladies, let me ask you in this. We're thinking practically here. What if one of the necessities that he brings up isn't a necessity that you think is a necessity and you disagree with his necessity? He says the home is not being kept up and you say I think the home is being kept up. What do you do? Well, I would lovingly ask him in what way do you think the home is not being kept up and you need to endeavor to meet that standard wives you are to submit to your husbands. Husbands you are to love your wives, but ladies you are to submit to your husbands. I don't want to example, right? I don't want to plan and cook meals for my household to have dinner together at night. You may not want to, but what are you to do? You are to submit to your husband. He says that's important, that's what you do, right? You submit to him. I remember a long time ago he was having a conversation with a husband and wife and that was the issue. He was so angry at her for myriads of things, but when it all boiled down to, it was just she didn't cook. She didn't cook. And it's like if you can have a happy marriage and the thing that made it happy was you're just going to cook a meal a few times a week. Would you do it? It's like yeah, all day. Yes, I'll gladly cook. So it's amazing how those little things matter, you know. All right, you keep it broad, keep it representable. I'm going to give you a rundown so you remember, okay? First, the four steps, the four steps. Men, you're going to confess your own sin before God and repent. You must begin confessing the sins of your household and assuming full responsibility for them. Three, you're running all through the filter of the lens of loving your wife as Christ of the church. Four, when you have assumed full responsibility from the heart for the spiritual condition of your home, then you're going to sit down and have a conversation with your wife. That conversation with your wife has certain guidelines that you need to remember and to be very careful to follow if you love her. Do not accuse number one. You're not going there to accuse. You are going there to acknowledge your failure, acknowledge your sin, right? Acknowledge your neglect. Don't have an accusing spirit. You're not talking about her negligence. You're talking about your failure, right? Two, confess your failure and exercising headship. Confess your failure in negligence or in loving her or in dealing with this. Three, make clear your expectations. What you expect her to do and ladies be receptive, right? Be receptive of that. Don't couch terms, right? I'm even out of I'm more inclined to use words like we. No, really don't use words like we use words like you, right? Ladies, you can use words like you with your husband. Husbands, you need to be able to use words like you with your wife. You must have plans. Four, you must have plans for regular checks, communication prayer, Bible study readings, to keep up with that, right? To keep making progress, slow and steady progress, moving forward. Five, keep it broad and representative. Don't overwhelm your wife, right? Ladies, don't overwhelm your husband. All right. If she responds well, I'm drawing to a close here. If she responds well and keep moving ahead, the patient, slow, determined effort over time, right? Until issues are resolved. You keep moving ahead. What if she does not respond? What if her, she responds with a temper? What if she resists? Then, without anger, without bitterness, without resentment, without sin, in other words, confront her in that, confront it as rebellion. If she does not repent, does not respond well. And at some point, I think it warrants help from the church. You may have another couple that you feel comfortable with helping in that regard, or it may, you may believe that it rises to the level where you need an elder, pastoral visit, right? An elder to be involved to help you with that. And that's what we're here for. So if it gets to the point where she does not respond, at some point, you may need a visit from an elder. And remember, all of this, all of this, men, every bit of this is your responsibility. Your responsibility. If the leadership of your home has collapsed, or has failed, that's on you. Right? It's the leadership of your home, the governance of your home, the way that your home is operating. If that anyway has broken down or failed, that is your responsibility. Okay? So here's what I want you to do. We're already out of time, and I want to get you away to lunch. Just real quick, men, you've got your little worship folders there. Ladies, you can be thinking about this too. I want you to think just briefly, quickly. This will get the juices flowing, so to speak. I don't want it to just stop here. I want you to do this when you get home. What sin or have you committed against your wife, against your marriage, against your household? What sin? And again, that's going to be a lengthy list. I want you to start off with that thing that is staring you in the face. Right? The thing that is staring you in the face. In what way have you sinned against your wife in your role as head? Ladies, while they're thinking of that, you can be thinking what way have you neglected to submit to your husband? What way have you neglected to respect your husband? What way have you neglected in meeting the expectations that your husband has for you as his wife? What way have you sinned in that? Okay? So, men, as you're thinking of that, generally speaking, there's something that's right. Staring you in the face doesn't take half a day to come up with that. So, I'm going to move on. Men, the next thing you want to do, and again, this is just the starting point, is confess the sinful state of your household. In what way is your marriage? What way, in what way is your household not measuring up? Weigh it right now in the balances and in what way do you find it wanting? Confess the sinful state of your own house. All right. And then, lastly, I want you to think about this, ladies. This is specifically for you. Knowing that, all right, men, you're going to stand before God, and you're going to give an account. Ladies, knowing that this is the responsibility that husbands have for you, the responsibility that husbands have undertaken voluntarily for you to be your husband, then what manner of respect and love and submission do you think is due him? Knowing that this is the responsibility that your husband has, that that weight is on his shoulders, then what manner of respect, love, and submission do you think is due to him? One of the reasons that the Lord says, right, that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, but it's also thinking of the weight of that responsibility, one of the reasons that the Lord says, ladies, right, submit to your husbands and everything as unto the Lord. See that you respect your husband. You owe him respect. You owe him submission, right, it's required by the Lord. Same way, husbands, you've got the weight of this responsibility on your shoulders. And let's, pray that the Lord will help us do all this. That is a tall order, right, all right. Well, hopefully that will get you started, but again, there's only a starting point. I think you need to go home and do some homework, right. I pray that we all would and that we'll have marriages that honor the Lord. Let's pray. Father in heaven, thank you Lord for this time together to think through your word, the weight that rings upon us, the very weighty responsibility that you've given us would help us to see that, to see it and how you have loved us and have given yourself for us, how you shed your blood on Calvary, how you bore the wrap of God for us, how you now freely give us all things, how you sanctify us and cleanse us and conform us into your image, how you instruct us and correct us and rebuke us and encourage us and comfort us and love us would help us to love our wives in that way. Would help us to take responsibility to assume full responsibility for the entity that is our marriage, the entity or the institution that is our family that you have gloriously defined, gloriously designed and help us to honor you in it. Would help us to take those measures that we need to take, help us to grant that we would be incredibly convicted over our failures, incredibly convicted over what is often of reactions in the flesh or a loss of self-control or anger or bitterness or resentment or unforgiveness. Please, would convict us over that. Grant us genuine repentance. Help us to mourn our sin against you and the sin against the sin against our wives our families or help us to bear the responsibility that you've given us to have a marriage that pictures Christ in the church relationship of Christ to his bride. Help us to love our wives in this way to love our families in this way. Help us to love you in this way and to be testimonies of your grace. We know that apart from you this is gloriously impossible. Lord in that it's only possible and we are only capable by virtue of your spirit that work in us to bring us to this. God, so I pray we are woefully and hopelessly shamefully unable to do any of this apart from you. So please help us. We need help in it. Help my brothers to be the godly men the godly husband the godly fathers that you've called us to be. Help my sisters to be the respectful submissive loving wives that you've called them to me and helping us and all of this Lord to honor you. We pray these things in Christ's name. Amen.