 Are you tired of amusement parks with hidden liberal agendas? Are you sick of woke progressives ruining your family's vacation? Are you white? Well, come on down to Republican Disney! You don't have to be white! That was a demographic survey question for marketing purposes, I don't see color. Are you tired of amusement parks full of bigotry? Are you sick of uneducated rubes ruining your family's vacation? Do you crave fun and guilt? Well, come on down to Democratic Disney! You're the only amusement park in America exclusively dedicated to diversity, equity, inclusion, real science, true history, and other morally unambiguous things that we can't debate anymore because of Nazis. Republican Disney has all the wholesome family fun you could want without any of the dangerous propaganda the radical left uses to indoctrinate children, no CRT, no grooming, no drugs or sex or math, just a place where you can be proud of who you are and where you come from. But by which I mean America, I do not mean that in a racial way. Here at Democratic Disney we believe in fighting the man on behalf of the little guy, so join the resistance and team up with the White House, the Senate, the House of Representatives, and all of Hollywood and academia to say we're the little guy fighting the system. You can meet your favorite Republican Disney princesses like Cinderella, a classic American success story who worked hard, didn't complain, and after she met her husband stopped wearing shoes or Ariel from the Little Mermaid, a real nice looking young lady who doesn't talk, or maybe even Snow White, who damn it, no, okay, stop, no, I know what you're going to say, it's not about that. Princesses are an outdated vestige of the patriarchy. Our equitable and gender-inclusive Disney People acts hold no land nor titles and come at all shapes, colors, and healthy sizes. Visit the hall of good American presidents like Trump, Reagan, Second Reagan before you raise taxes, Second Reagan Jr., and the one and only Abraham Lincoln who freed the slaves and was a Republican. Yeah, yeah, think about that, he's on our team. Splash Mountain is now Brokeback Mountain. The Enchanted Tiki Room is now the culturally sensitive Pacific Islanders, Desi, and other people's Slash 1619 project, and Main Street USA is now Main Street Copenhagen, because while I love America, I sure as f*** don't like it. We took on a ton of new debt when we removed Disney's self-governing status, but we got a lot of cash when we let co-companies strip mine Big Thunder Mountain. Yes, ticket prices have increased this year, that's because of Russia. Take a ride on the fiscal responsibility coaster, which sky rockets into the air and plunges into the ground, depending on which party's in power. Get ready for a fright at the haunted mansion. It's a regular mansion, but it's scary because billionaires are in abomination. At Republican Disney, you don't have to worry about some transgender using the wrong restroom. We have guys in goofy outfits check everybody's genitals before and after they leave a restroom or elevator. Visit yesterday land, where you can unearth decade old tweets from Disney characters, change the meaning of the word they used, then execute them outside in an alley. Visit yesterday land in the 50s when things were perfect. Or check out tomorrow land. It's debt finances the entire park. The Hall of U.S. Supreme Court Justices is closed due to leaks, but come back next year because we're planning a massive expansion. No snowflakes on these frozen rides, and kids love the Tea Party tea cups. Don't worry, we check everybody's genitals before and after. You want to explore the universe? We're shame on you. You should visit Don't Go to Space Mountain, where you can yell in an animatronic entrepreneur for trying to build a spaceship with his own money employing thousands of people. They should be fixing world hunger, spaces for taxpayer money. The Old West shootout is no longer confined to a single stage. In fact, all visitors are required to show proof of citizenship and open carry throughout the park. Nothing smaller than a nine millimeter people, no exceptions. Masks are mandatory, vaccinations are required, and ticket prices are tiered to reflect your personal privilege. Every admission includes a three-hour diversity training and struggle session so that you can better understand your inherent privilege and latent racism. Also, these sessions are self-directed because it's not our job to educate you. You have to do the work. Feelin' hungry? Get a taste of food and culture from all over the world, with cuisine from America, England, Germany, maybe France, and that'll do it, the whole world. You'll have a blast in Little San Francisco. Can you avoid stepping in poop? Can you get a building rezoned? No, you cannot. Visit Little Iraq and be greeted as liberators. Can you find the WMDs? Doesn't matter, fireworks! Do you like fireworks? Well, every evening Antifa lights fire to our security guards. Take a stroll. Take a stroll. Through our historic military industrial complex. Smugglers run, where you sneak banned books past Republicans. Smugglers run, where you sneak menthol cigarettes past Democrats. Smugglers run, where you sneak pregnant women across state lines. Smugglers run, where you hunt pregnant women across in state lines. We've replaced all of the offensive robots and pirates of the Caribbean with new robots, built by forced Uyghur labor in China. Our dark, unmonitored tunnel of love is extremely popular with firebrand conservative politicians. Like whoot, whoot, too popular. We're a sex positive resort, bang wherever you want, very European. Every day at noon, the park grinds to a halt thanks to the trucker convoy parade. Every day at noon, we have a protest rally where liberal arts majors dress up like ninjas and break sh**. We had a protest once, we do not talk about it. Several times each day, we forcibly relocate people waiting in line to other lines they hadn't planned on. It takes longer and you don't wind up where you wanted, but equity. Several times a day, we will inspect your genitals. Any woman found to be pregnant is not allowed on any ride. If you are pregnant, you should not go on this ride unless you want to go on this ride. It's a small world after all, which is why we need tariffs or free trade. It's, which is it now? What's today? It's a small world after all, so let's divide it equally by force if necessary. Democratic Disney, does the best dreams happen when you're woke? Republican Disney, the happiest race on earth. Place, dammit. F**k, f**k, f**k. Please, goddammit, I keep doing that.