 Ooh, it's another day! It's another recording. What's funny? It's your VIN. Yeah, because this one is interesting. I mean, it's from a comment, so I'm happy about it. Alright guys, welcome back to another video. My name is Kwame and this is... Hi, I'm Elaine. Yeah, and we do record videos every now and then, but yeah, it has not been so much of a while because we released a video last week, so we've done well. Yeah, but before that, we were busy, so we hadn't released a video in a while. But this one is inspired by a comment that I received and, you know, our video... I think our second video together where we did our culture shock stories, which is one of our most viewed videos. If you haven't seen it, I think it should... I will probably pop up here. Somewhere on the screen. You should check it out after you finish watching this. But this one is more of cultural differences within the relationship. So this is the comment. I'm going to read out the comments. And we're probably going to put it on the screen. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to read out the comments. And then we're going to try and answer this question for this lady. So she says, hey, I would like to hear how your... how cultural differences made your relationship and ultimately your marriage either harder or easier or more fun because my boyfriend is Cameroonian and I'm from Serbia in Europe. Always in fifth speed making plans and making plans, having everything arranged for the future and he's more with the gold of flow and laid back, which makes me so frustrated sometimes because it teaches me how to hit the brakes on other things. Thanks for... Yeah, so it's two sides. Yeah, thanks for a great content. You're welcome. We are trying. Yeah, so she is also in a relationship. I'm from Netherlands. And I'm from Ghana and from her... I don't know if I should put her name there now, but that's not necessary. No, don't do that. Yeah, so her boyfriend is from Cameroonian. She's from Serbia. And I think here I'm thinking that efficiency and doing things, being functional and practical versus somebody who in Ghana like we do, go with the flow, things take care of themselves. You still do things, yes, but they still take care of themselves in a way and she wants to know how we have managed our cultural differences. We have not managed. I mean, every day there's something new, right? Yeah. It's not like, oh, we are... Now we are here, like everything is solved. Yeah. So it's always a process, I have to say, and it never stops. Yeah. Unfortunately, we are never done as people. Yeah. That's maybe good to first stress. So I don't know which angle we're actually going to take it from on our cultural differences. Maybe you can share what a remarkable one is in your eyes from my culture and if it makes it more fun, frustrating or sad. I think I can see where she's coming from with being on top of things and being functional and having to do things, make plans quickly. Yeah. Keep moving whilst the boyfriend is rather laid back. So I think it's a European thing that your efficiency runs through. Yeah. It's a fast-paced environment than it is here. Yeah. But it's also a fake sense of control in a way. You consider it a fake sense of control. I honestly think, okay, what Ghana taught me is that... I mean, we don't have so much control as human beings. Yeah. There's a lot, like if 99% is out of our control, that 1% of our own actions we actually control. But in Netherlands, it can only speak for my point of view. I don't know about Serbia. But in Netherlands, people really try to hold onto that planning of the day as if that is something they are the ones creating the day. But in Ghana, you keep space for unexpected things to happen. And that is often where life happens. So the magical things that are... What do you mean? Life unfolds there in these small moments where you are not on top of things because life is not supposed to be controlled, honestly. That's my main critique about how people live in Netherlands. There's so much control. They know in the morning they wake up. They know exactly how the day is going to look. And it's nice, but it also sometimes makes you unfulfilled when you're in one thing, you're already looking up to the next thing. Because you know after this coffee... I have to go here. Oh, I need to watch this. Okay, yes, but I'm meeting that friend there. Now I have to cycle there. But on the way, I have to get to Heima to buy this and this and this. Otherwise, I won't be able to tonight to this. It gives a lot of stress. Okay. Do you think you're going to be able to go back to the Netherlands to live there? I think so. It's just... So I think my friends, I don't know, but they can comment if they're not agreeing. Okay. My friends are used now to that I don't really plan ahead too much. So if I can text you on the day in the morning, I'll text you. Can you hang out tonight? In the Netherlands, no. People have six weeks to eight weeks planned ahead. I'm not kidding. At least that's the feedback I get. I don't work like that. I don't know if I'm up to seeing you in eight weeks time. I'm not. I don't know. I'm not in the mood. So how can I plan something eight weeks ahead? I might not even be here anymore. You know, I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow. Let alone in eight weeks. Yeah. I might live on Hawaii or something. Okay. Living in Hawaii. Okay. So for me, I found Ghana balanced me in a way because I used to be very structured and just like that, but it didn't really serve me that much. I got stressed. You're trying to squeeze so many things into the day. You mean your Dutch ways didn't serve you that much? Yeah. So for this person, what we are trying to answer here is that now you're saying this and it's relatable to her. She should rather look at embracing or understanding. It's more of understanding the two worlds and finding a way for yourself to adapt makes it work. Yeah. I'm not saying like be Cameroonian. You cannot. Yeah. Or change your ways completely. No, like there's a range of options. Right. You can plan six weeks at or you can plan one week ahead. I plan mostly in a week. I know a little bit what's going to happen or the things that I find important. I try to plan. Yeah. But the rest. I might be too tired. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. I don't know how you perceive it watching the Dutch way of doing Ghana. The Dutch way of doing things in Ghana. What do you mean? I think I'm still Dutch and do things the Dutch way. Yeah. You are still Dutch but you have adjusted. Yeah. You have adjusted. And I think for you and your partner in your relationship where I am. You find that if you're going to be from completely different outbringings and cultures. You are basically going to be building bridges your whole life together with your partner. So how do we navigate this? I think that the core of all of these things and even what we're going to be going through in this particular video talking about differences in food, maybe differences in time management and all these things versus being laid back or whatever differences in personality and upbringing as in voicing out the things that you say which we're going to go through all of that. The core of all of this is going to be bridging. Yeah. A bit of both worlds which is technically what you are. Yeah. And I think in my opinion that yes because you're from a different culture or different country the differences will be bigger but I feel that no matter if you would be with a Serbian guy you would also need to build bridges because you're not the same person. Yeah. Whoever you're with. Yes. But here we're looking at you. Whoever you're with. We are building bigger bridges probably because the differences are more profound. Yeah. But you will need to build bridges anyway. With anyone. Yeah. With friends, with family. I mean my dad doesn't work the same way as I do. So we have to build a bridge there. Yeah. So you're always building bridges. It's just like I think there's an art or muscle to building bridges and you will get better at it. Yeah. But what I would say is. What would you say? It should be a conscious effort. Yeah. Definitely. From both parties actually. Yeah. So if these things frustrate you I think you should let him know and encourage him that. So you don't have to try and change the person. You can't. Which is one of the worst things you can ever do in any relationship trying to change the other person is rather trying to live with the person by knowing who they are. And this is where effort comes in. So it has to be a conscious effort on both sides. If he's too laid back maybe if he knows that these things are important to you he can you know also make an effort to meet you at a certain point. And if you're also too quick with planning into the future and doing all these things and the effort seems to be coming from only you maybe you can also bring your plans a bit to the present to meet his laid backness. So he does a bit with okay like Lane was saying if you're going to do plan for five weeks why don't you bring it to this week. This is what you know it would be nice to do. So that he also tries to meet you up for this week. Instead of trying to a seven weeks into the future what are we doing and he's kind of like chill because he doesn't plan that far. Yeah. Yeah. So that's one cultural difference in terms of what I've seen in a lot of European countries and people the efficiency bits and planning things and control or the fake control but I think it's also because the environment is like that. You have things that work in a certain way. Yeah. But just because it works do you need to stretch yourself as a human being. That's what I'm wondering about. Yeah. But if you find your place if you find yourself in the place where the culture the people are all doing it. It feels odd. Do not do it. Yes. And if that's what you've always known. Yeah. So it's good to step out of your own what is normal. Yeah. If that's what you've always known it doesn't come off as well. I think a lot of people have a stress in the Netherlands but anyway it's fine it's different conversation. Yeah. So cultural difference for example on food. What do you have to say about that? I think in the Netherlands the food culture is very different so we eat small small meals throughout the day so in the morning we eat small breakfast yogurt with some fruits maybe some crossley. Coffee. Coffee of course. Then around eleven you eat an apple or something fruity or a small biscuit then at twelve one you eat your butter on butter on bread. With cheese and maybe a small salad on the side but that's even not regular and then around three you eat something sweet like snickers or something like sweet and then in the evening you eat warm you eat something like potatoes or pasta or rice and then you might drink a cup of coffee for the evening and then you go to bed and in Ghana we don't do these things. We eat heavy heavy heavy. In the morning. If you're fortunate to have a three. No you don't do three meals in Ghana. You do. Yeah it depends on the food. It depends on the food on the person and who you are but on average it's supposed to be three. Most mornings even though you're doing heavy it's sometimes even in your porridge and the bread with it and the amount of porridge and bread and groundnuts and all those things or oats or whatever it is so it's still heavy even if you know it's warm meals. I'm not going to just eat toast for the sake of it. And I think the timing is also different so in Nellows you have set times to eat so in the morning I know when my breakfast will be between seven and eight and then in the evening around six I'm like I'm hungry I want to eat and in Netherlands we have a tradition I don't know if you call it tradition but we eat like they always say does she eat around six like on the dots. That's what we do every night and you eat at the table you eat together and you talk. That is at least what I grew up with. I can't speak for the whole of Netherlands but at least that's how. And here in Ghana I have a few friends who are also Dutch and they have a Ghanaian spouse and most of them I've just given up like I'm not eating together with my spouse because in Ghana you don't know whether you're going to eat at five four or eight nine you don't know it depends on your activities. And I really like to eat together but for him it's a conscious effort to like do you want to eat together and we had to talk about that because sometimes he would say no I'm not going to eat now and then I would be sad. Yeah because he wants to eat together. I would be so sad because I want to eat like I want to have to talk with you but also the talking under the eating it's also not something very Ghanaian right most of the times when you eat you eat you maybe have a word or it's not a place for talking. Yeah and that is also something I never thought of before I came to Ghana that we eat we talk and we eat at the same time like in the Netherlands it's a moment of community coming together at the table talking talk about your week talk about your day like and it's more than just food yeah yeah definitely yeah it's more than just food it's a time or it's an opportunity to spend time together yeah especially because since so I understand here because you have a lot of plant activities in the day a lot of people also do that individually so you don't get to spend time together in the day. No you don't that's true yeah that's definitely true. While over here yes now is different because people go to work and everything but back in the day most of the jobs were informal most of the jobs back in the day are growing up your mom had either a store or something or whatever it is or even if she was a teacher and that was a bit formal not a bit formal formal formal she will still be home at a certain point the kids would have closed from school she would cook and then you eat not together but mom will be home but there was never a point where the whole family had something to do and they'll go and do and we all come back at the same time and look forward to six o'clock as our meal time and that's where we share how your day has been. Yeah that's true but my grandparents they actually ate warm in the afternoon in your time yeah so whenever I would go to my grandparents house to stay over or something as a kid we would eat warm during lunch and it was so weird to be so what changed I don't know I think this is the first life that I think it was it was a slower time then or what I'm also thinking a lot of people used to work in factories like factory shifts and then it was a long day so maybe that's why they ate like a heavy in the afternoon in the evening you would eat bread well industrial area I think my grandparents yeah they grew up factory work and all those things where like now things are more automated yeah that's true so maybe that's why yeah so this is faster so that might also be it in Ghana I sometimes miss the vegetables I really like vegetables I know in Ghana you use a lot of tomatoes, onions we blend it it's more like a stew kind of yeah we blend it into spices crunchy vegetables but we do do crunchy vegetables but it's not from time to time we do and for example I know how to make eggs too my mother-in-law told me and then I add like carrots and green pepper and you know other vegetables just to make it a bit more you so that's also again they advised like see how you can twist it give it a tweak to make it a bit of you because the first time I added the vegetables my mother-in-law was looking like why are you doing that girl but now she knows I like it so that's why she's cool with it and whenever we make eggs too then she asked like should we add carrots same we made all of this weekend and then my sister-in-law was like do you want to add vegetables and I was like yeah I want to add vegetables because for us the vegetables are blended into the stew and we do add carrots we do add green peppers but not in the amount yeah very small small small not very small yours is a bit above average yeah yours is a bit above like you a lot of carrots a lot of green peppers zucchini like a lot whilst we would rather you know sprinkle a bit on it to have a bit of texture but not necessarily overtake the whole sauce with it yeah and I think I'm now thinking with the food and the planning wise we do have a lot of discussions eat the discussions about what to eat for dinner because I am already thinking about the next meal often when lunch is done I'm like around six I have to cook so you're planning again planning again while he is just like when I ask like what are you ready I'm not hungry yeah you figured out when you're hungry but when I'm hungry I cannot think so I need to plan it out so that one we do get a bit of frustrated sometimes because he's like why are you already thinking about dinner it's just four o'clock but I'm already like ahead of the game like hello we have to eat in two hours what are you gonna do right yeah and it's annoying for you sometimes because and then he because he's not hungry he doesn't know what to eat I'm like we need to move people yeah so so I guess I guess like we're saying ultimately is if you have a partner who's open minded it will save you a lot because then it means that's they're open to discussion they're open to trying new things they're open to bridging and they're open to compromising and finding a way that both of you can accommodate each other and if your boyfriend I don't know how long you've been together if you're still together then it's a good thing so some of these things are things that you should just consider that okay fine it's a cultural difference that needs to be yeah addressed yeah addressed and not like ruled out or say that because for example with respect and oh yeah doing things for people or speaking a certain way or people unspoken rules when it comes to cultural differences with regards to relating to people that a woman is supposed to or a man is supposed to do these things or women don't say these things to their partners or men don't say these things to their partners or men don't when it comes to that and you're in a relationship with somebody from a different culture set afresh whatever you know doesn't apply or it's not absolute that's what I'm trying to say yeah whatever you've grown up knowing isn't absolute you have to be open even when you're both Ghanaian you grew up in different homes you could have had parents who are much more laid back and allowed you to do certain things which when you grow up make you seem a bit spoiled to other people and then you might have somebody who grew up with straight up parents and they do things a certain way and they demand it and make you rather seem lazy to them or something so some of these a quick word or conversation would hatch it out and you'd be able to see that oh okay and I also think yes there are cultural differences but there's also the layer of language and then there's also the layer of personality because I'm a Ghanaian so yes he's a bit more laid back but he's very strict in time which is his personality so it's a different like even though the culture the Ghana culture might be a bit more laid back than the Dutch culture that does apply to a certain extent but because his personality is also there he is a bit more strict on time than maybe an average Ghanaian so to say so also be careful jumping to conclusions where things are coming from and the language one so for example with the respecting I if I literally translate how I would ask something politely in Dutch then I would say could you do you want to do you want to maybe get the laundry see how it translates do you want to maybe get the laundry like what the hell do you mean do you want to it sounds more a bit passive aggressive like oh I did laundry do you want to maybe get it well I if in Dutch I would say not bakker which is very polite so now he told me that it's better to say could you please get the laundry for me do you want to maybe get the laundry like we had a lot of discussion about it so even though my intention was good well good intentions only get you this far because the impact was different for him and in the end it's not I mean intentions are important but I need to focus on the impact it has on him and it didn't work it would confuse him and then it would confuse me because I was like I thought I was polite and now he's frustrated with me I didn't say that so focus also on the impact and talk about your intentions because later I really had to repatter that that I don't say do you maybe could we maybe could we maybe do this together well I really wanted to do it together but then I didn't know how to ask so the language something that might be very polite in Serbia might very be rude in Karmarum or come forward not very rude come forward as a bit insensitive or too forward or a bit passive aggressive and I do think yeah the open mindedness is really key because I cannot be with somebody who is very set in its way and doesn't want to listen to me so also in the respect element I respect you as my partner but I'm not gonna go very traditional as being a wife when a man comes home you just only sit and I'll serve you dinner and I'll wash your dishes and do everything you need I clean your shoes I do these things but I do them for us I don't do them necessarily for him but that's part of culture we do it together we do what we have to do it's not that you do it because you are the wife yeah there's a cultural layer there as in the Netherlands it's quite horizontal in relationships so you are my equal that's often how we approach people I will be respectful but I'm not gonna bow to you worship we don't like to worship the Dutch so no I don't know that's another conversation but then there's also me as a person because yes I'm a feminist so I'm not gonna do all these things for you just because I happen to be a woman we are doing it together if I'm good at the laundry I will do the laundry I will pick up some other things in the house so there's the personality as well and then the language is how you talk about it so it's important to address it and then you move forward together do you want to maybe sweep the room do you maybe want to record a YouTube video we don't do that anywhere so I think you're right it makes yes there are challenges it makes it frustrating but it also now we are laughing about the maybe do you maybe want to it's fun, challenging and frustrating all in one and it's up to you to define the layers with your partner and talk about it or at least address it I'm sure some conversations are difficult and it's good to ask questions not the questions that the other person feels they need to defend it but for example we had a conversation about hair yesterday but my hair type as you can see is very different so I don't know a lot about his type of hair and how you should care for it what is even being done at the barber or the hairdresser I don't even know and that's I mean you can find all things of that but I don't know so then he's explaining to me what happens and he's sending me pictures so I know okay this is what happens in the saloon and so also try to ask questions okay so why are you doing this without dismissing anybody I just want to learn I think that's also a nice reminder to just ask your partner hopefully you're comfortable with them and then you can ask okay so why did you want to do this with your hair and you go from there and sometimes you come to find that it has no cultural meaning to wanting to do I just wanted to do it because I just wanted to do it it's a style and that's again your personality so try to find the layers in your interactions is it cultural sometimes we run into something and we're like why are we having a different opinion on this and then maybe not in a moment but later we'll sit down and talk about it so these are a few examples of some of the things that we encounter of course your individual encounters or relationships will be different so I'm actually happy to also hear from you if you are in an interracial relationship or even you're in a relationship with somebody from the same race but culturally you're very different and you have certain clashes you can also comment down below what some of these things are and how you manage it but ultimately like we're saying it's open-mindedness communication and accepting that your differences don't have to separate you but there's a way to bridge it and make it and remember it's not always pretty I think that's with every relationship you're not gonna always get the rainbows and the unicorns the first time it takes time to grow a relationship is work no matter whether it's family a loved one or a friendship you have to put in the work so put in the work show up for each other and yeah it's gonna be messy and gray and everything but I also feel that that's where coming back to the magic that's where the magic is because once you understand it you can build from there and the only way is up if you really want to I'm like a pastor I was like what the hell is going on I don't know I feel so enlightened today but anyway so yeah that's what we can say about this I'm sure some of these conversations are also repeated in coming days or coming weeks when we find a different angle or something so let us know if you're interested in some other topics that you want us to touch on and then we'll talk about it so in the meantime I hope that we've answered your question very well and we're gonna end here and I'm doing this because this woman has a tendency of running running dummy yeah it's verbal diarrhea instead so do like this video if you found it useful and subscribe to the channel this is so mean because he asked me to be on the youtube videos he asked me yes she often says she's not comfortable but when she gets too comfortable and then my control kicks in and I'm like so and then when the video does well he forgets about me having verbal diarrhea please like this video subscribe and we're gonna bring you another video hopefully very soon we've done well by bringing you two in two weeks which we seldom do so yeah thanks again for watching and we'll catch you in the next one bye doi doi