 All right everybody welcome day four of the 21 convention London the men's conference of the century yes absolutely coming to the stage next this will be his fourth time speaking at the 21 convention great guy fun man he's gonna be speaking on the sexual life please welcome Steve El Topo Maeda what's up what's up all right so um once again speaking at 21 convention and I want to say that anytime I speak and I speak a lot not necessarily in terms of these settings but uh gosh like once a week it's always an honor and a privilege to speak and hopefully by the end of the speech you will realize what I mean by that um first off what I want to get into is this and I like to write things down if I misspell anything let me know because I don't want to look like too much of an idiot but I want to talk about the sexual life all right and what this means and first we're going to get to this and a bunch of theoretical stuff and all that fun philosophical conceptual you know all that interesting stuff and then we're going to move to some material that will allow you to apply it and I think that oftentimes uh when you hear people talk about anything which comes to personal change there's usually an imbalance an imbalance of theory and concepts and all that sort of stuff and then application if you have too much application you don't get to the theory it doesn't quite work that well and if you have too much uh too much uh you know conceptual stuff philosophy and no theory it doesn't quite catalyze so the best way to learn is to mix them both all right so really simply here what I want to talk about are these three things sex seduction and sexuality now one thing that I like when I'm speaking um and peter will truly appreciate this is anytime you guys want to interact just raise your hand if uh you know it's from a long long time ago uh when I first started speaking in fact like when I would first give like what they called layer talks nobody else was doing them and uh it it was pretty interesting it was like myself and Brad P and everybody else kind of did something else now everybody does them but one of the rules was if you have something to say just raise your hand I'll call on you you know whenever uh whenever it's convenient or whenever I'm done with whatever thought but when we get to this one of the problems that happens when we're uh working working seduction is when we're working seduction when we're working anything like pickup or or whatever it is we get a misconception of these deals and when it comes down to it a lot of the stuff that I hear from people is more about attention it's more about getting somebody's attention putting stuff on creating a show stepping outside of yourself and from my kind of school of thought and where I've always kind of taken things is you can absolutely be yourself and do this however in being yourself you're going to have to follow some principles and when it comes down to it when it comes down to these three things those to me are the most important of of all of this you know and when you walk away from the convention you start meeting and connecting interact with people whether it's with a girlfriend or whether it's whatever kind of sexual life you want this is going to be the most important stuff to think about and right here with kind of like my concepts and philosophies towards stuff this is sex and sex is simply an action sex is an action we all know what it is um you know you hook up with somebody and uh you connect in all sorts of different ways and it can happen in all sorts of different ways but it's simply an action and many times what happens is is we start to define ourselves our our person our entire being which would end up being the sexuality purely by our actions towards sex now seduction the next one here is a process okay so that's everything before that's everything during that's everything after and in fact it's you don't even need to be having sex to allow seduction to happen and uh that's that's something that confuses people all the time uh and sexuality is the result of all this so really simply an action the process and the result now what's important about this is last last year before the sweden convention i was in austin where my buddy jason savage lives and he came to the convention he did a preview speech of what the convention would be and i videotaped a bunch of it and videotaped this stuff afterwards and i was like man this is and i've seen jason speak many times in fact the the story goes uh he came and saw me speak years and years and years and years ago in austin and uh he came up to me afterwards and he was like you know talking about himself talking about himself and what was going on and then he said uh he then he said his name jason savage i'm like oh man i've heard about you you slept in my buddy dave's house and blah blah blah blah and he remembered his is this great thing and then about a year after that he called me up and the guy's kind of a reclusive dude he called me up and he said man you know i've gone through whatever shit and everybody goes through highs and lows and he was saying i've gone through a lot of shit and everything in the community is just like totally fucked up i want to i want to be doing the stuff that you're doing the stuff that you're saying that i'm reading about is is what i want to be doing so when can we talk and basically what happened was i came down to austin saw him speak and he gave a speech about like a rousal and in desire and all this crazy shit and i'm like dude what the fuck man like you're the guy that i want to listen to and every time that guy spoke it was like i tried to soak in as much as possible and uh he came back from his europe trip in october and i picked him up from the airport and he was staying at my uh i hooked him up with a place to stay with uh my buddy's house and he said man uh look number one thing is i agree with you now man the community is like fucking up people's lives which he never really said before and uh and i asked him why and he's like because it has nothing to do with sexuality it has nothing to do with what people are doing and how they're presenting themselves how they're putting themselves out there in the world how they're asserting themselves how they're connecting how they're how they're loving women and appreciating women and he brought up a few things he said uh he said man you know as simple as this like guys stay in the community and they stay in that kind of like pickup mindset and they they ultimately will go nowhere they'll get good at getting attention they'll get good at making friends they'll get good at not being themselves all right and ultimately they'll end up being angry and worse off and all this other crazy stuff and he said if somebody is not being sexual right if they're not asserting their sexuality then they need to get sexual as quick as possible so what does that mean you know and by then i was already kind of like messing with the concepts of the sexual life you know what is that what is it to live a sexual life what is it to have sex what is it to to uh you know fall in love what is it to get those snl's what is it to have those experiences and man i thought about it so much so much and i i ended up talking to more women than men about this in fact i brought this up before but initially in the community what i learned was you know from from other instructors it was like i i went to a boot camp it was amazing one of the best guys in the world captain jack was was at the boot camp he did the best out of all the instructors and he was like totally mellow and you know not all flashy did nothing about attention any of that shit and then he he happened to live in dallas and i lived in dallas as well fort worth and um you know i got good hung out with him and i listened to everything he would say you know he'd tell me to approach that approach and you know he'd tell me to do do certain things mainly i watched him and then over time you know i i started to work with with clients i'd work with those clients and uh i'd see them do things you know i'd see them seduce in different ways get more sexually direct i'd see them do different things which were outside of the box of the community norm and i started to learn more from them and over time like i said i started to interact with women and and i learned by far the most from them and that's what this is all about is getting better talking to women and learning to appreciate them rather than you know waging a war against them and i in last year's speech i was kind of like the main point was that a pickup guy ends up hating women and ultimately you know kind of like downplays himself always doing kind of routines or stepping outside of himself a little bit too much and a seducer can do literally the same things all the same shit and you're seeing this more and more at the speakers coming to the 21 convention but they'll love women is their end result and that is a huge huge difference so what happened to me through all of this is that i learned how to get laid pretty quick i learned how to get pretty good at it you know the whole snl term comes from all the dallas people before it was like a fool's maid and all this other and i was having sex right i was having sex but not defining my sexuality not falling in love with the process of seduction the appreciation of women and so my sex my sexuality was defined by the sexual actions i was having and when you look at what's happening in our culture and you know i'm from the u.s and so i'll say you know culture in the u.s but also culture all over when i when i see people talk when we talk about sexuality nobody wants to talk about it nobody wants to talk about it and make it a part of their life you know they all want it to be something which is exaggerated or outside of the box and i was really thinking about this i'm going to come back to this but i want to i was prompted to write in red whoops i was prompted to write in red so uh maybe that's more red mole-esque but one of the things is is um we talk about connection right so when we connect with somebody that is the ultimate goal for all of us all right that is the ultimate goal like if i'm connecting with you guys it gives me it fulfills my purpose it fulfills uh you know everything about me my entire lifestyle you know i love what i do i love talking to people i love interacting with people even before the speech you know there's a bunch of stuff going on and i was in my head a little bit the the best thing i can do is go and have an interaction with a person but i need to connect with them and here's here's the difference is so much in our culture and even when it comes to things like sexuality we're afraid to connect we're afraid to connect and so what do we do we put stuff on we change things we do things outside of the box we do things that were told we learn a system we learn a mechanic we learn a method we learn something that will carry us over because if we're connecting being our real self we're afraid of that and we're exercising our fear and when we are exercising the side that's the fear side the only thing that we come up with is shame right so think about this and this is the crux of like a lot of the things that i do um but most of the time when i speak i speak at uh rehabilitation centers for like prisons and whatnot and people that are dealing with addiction and our culture is the most you know what can you say in debt uh overweight unhappy uh addicted culture that we've we've seen in the world to date and there's so many people searching outside of this and all that it comes from is this fear to connect right and when i'm afraid to say that i like you and i'm afraid to assert who i am because i'm afraid of what you're going to think of me then all i can do is put a mask on and that mask is an action and that action ultimately goes towards towards this sort of shame and what's interesting is if we were to break through that fear what we what would we need to do and there's one thing which separates people from i guess so many different how could you say uh you know it separates them from those barriers of those fears of self and this is this is going to be an interesting thing because this is not a technique by any means but it's it's vulnerability all right and so when i would do stuff i remember uh you know uh talking with picket people all the time and i'd have all these stories right and i'd talk about things i'd talk about you know how uh you know i lost my virginity at 18 in the first girl that i was with ended up being kidnapped and had this horrible horrible experience uh happened to and it totally fucked up my world sexually i didn't have a girlfriend we stayed together for six months after that i didn't have a girlfriend from you know 18 to 21 and then my relationships after that you know was like lying about my sexual experience and lying about my relationship experience and uh you know it's just all this anger anger anger and i would talk about those things with people i would talk about those things with women and everybody in the whole kind of like dating circles seduction circles where you can't do that well wait a minute steve's doing that because he's being vulnerable it's a technique it's a technique to get comfort and that's not it because i don't want a technique in order to define my sexuality i want a technique so that i it's not even a technique i want to do something which could be myself so let me talk about this concept of vulnerability which is fascinatingly written here but if we all speak english we can hear me say it but anyway in terms of vulnerability what that means is that my desire for connection my desire to talk to somebody my desire to be sexual my desire to be myself overrides my fears of covering that up all right and so that's important you know what i want to get out of somebody and it has so much less to do with it has so much less to do with like the girl being hot or a certain class or whatever because man i don't give a shit about that what i give a shit about is that intimacy of connecting with somebody that's what i care about but let's say i'm having a bad day let's say uh uh something happens like uh a sail falls through and i'm like man why am i letting myself out let's say i get in a trap again where once again in my life i've repeated the same mistake over and over again and i'm down on myself and i'm just like oh fuck i'm fucked man jesus once again i'm screwed and my head starts to fuck with me but what's so important is what i have to realize is rather than some sort of like technique some sort of trick some sort of uh thing i wear some sort of way i talk to somebody the thing that is truly driving me is the desire for this connection the desire to have a human to human interaction and i don't know about you guys but i just watched these interviews of the attendees at the 21 convention and they're saying no man the interaction with with the guys who are speaking is like one of the best parts and you know why that is because interacting with people is such a monumental monumental uh thing i mean look i it's not just it doesn't just come to sex it doesn't just come to seduction but when you're actually talking to somebody and somebody feels that change of a human to human connection of somebody that you can relate with that's been in your shoes and it's changed and gives you that belief and makes you feel things that you've never felt that is something which i feel is is on the magnitude of what i would consider a spiritual experience and myself i'm not really a religious guy but you know i'll talk a lot about that shit so this vulnerability is a is a huge thing that we need to look for and what that means is not necessarily telling a story which is bad about yourself not telling a story which is uh you know some gut wrenching thing but it's telling a story which is honest about who you are honest about who you are that even though you may be afraid of what other people think of you you know even though you might be afraid of what your girlfriend might say you know even though you know that the best thing in the world is that you might have to stop something switch a job uh and a relationship start a relationship but that fear of what the outcome might be for you cannot define you and that you have to have that honesty in order to connect to somebody all right how this all relates back to the sexual life is that again we want to we want to define ourselves we want to define ourselves in an order where our actions towards sex which could even be approaching a girl it could be doing all sorts of crazy sexual experiments could be having three sims it could be having like whatever orgies it could be doing things that you've always wished you'd done but if you're not doing them they always you know exaggerate in your mind like for instance uh you know people want to go to a strip club with me love me man i want to always fuck strippers i want to always want to fuck strippers one of the best things i've ever heard one of my favorite speeches that i've ever seen is hypnotic when he spoke and somebody in the guy manages a strip club right and or works and what or i don't know what the whole situation is but the guy the guy knows what's up and somebody's saying what about strippers because because you know i've had some exceptional relationships with with dancers but why would you want that like why are you wanting that think about that what do you know about your sexuality you know that you would actually want that because from my experience there can be a whole lot of baggage that comes with it not saying that that's always the case but why do you want that because you're in love with a fantasy you know it's because you're in love with that thing that's keeping you from that experience you know that that vulnerability of saying what you really want and why you want those things isn't being exercised and that fear of of desiring that fantasy is is uh is dominating your perspective your decisions and all that sort of stuff so what what i wanted to do or in living the sexual life you need to have your actions be humbled by your your seduction and what seduction is is seduction is a process seduction is something that's felt sub seduction which is an interaction with with a dance in fact a long time ago there's this guy that goes by the name shaft and he's you know he's from dallas and he's part of the dallas scene and he said the difference between everybody out there because he would come to different workshops and you know that we'd be doing and he'd see other instructors he said the difference of what's happening in dallas especially you know kind of from that captain jack type route is that it's a dance with people it's an interaction and it happens quite quick and it's great but it's enjoyable and even if we have sex or not it doesn't doesn't really doesn't really matter so much what matters so much is the actual interaction with that person this seduction part and when you when you start to get this down and again it doesn't mean that you're having acts of sex it means that you're enjoying interacting with people it's an exchange you know by definition then our sexuality starts to be defined and what happens in our culture man how we see sexuality is we see it purely as we see it as porn or shame and it's usually a combination of both of these you know you at dude seriously you know if you asked me a couple years ago um you know what is fucking sexuality i'll talk to my my buddies and we'll have guy talk and i still have guy talk with my buddies and it still can go something like this but i know this isn't the only definition it's like oh man you know i met this chick and like dude i fucking like dominated her i totally enslaved her da da da da defiled her made her blah blah blah blah blah and i made her say this and that and these things were happening and then i got her friend or then like there's these pickup guys who sell books on how to have sex and seduce challenging me on on uh seducing women so i'll get them to i'll get the chick to like suck my dick in front of them then say suck all their dicks so they can't get it up and i laugh at them but uh uh i won't say who but uh but you know that to me was like man that's my sexuality that's it and it's all this shit talking stuff which is fun to have and that's not wrong but it's wrong when that's the only thing right so we we see all this like fucking crazy stuff which is pornography we see all that we hear all these stories and man that's what's getting us to click the button click the button stay in front of the computer watch watch whatever screen and blah blah blah blah and that's defining our sexuality but then we secretly go home and we start have we're not having sex you know or we're not interacting with women or we're talking to women in fact this was a rule you know i came out of like a really sexually aggressive camp it was your first 50 lays don't count you you hook up with anybody you know what you get really good at learning how to escalate you get really good at logistics you get really good at the technical aspects of game but you don't learn how to be yourself and you don't learn how to exchange with somebody and you start having sex with people and you don't like it and even you like this is the worst combination you have sex with you're in Las Vegas you have sex with this girl that's like super hot and she's drunk and annoying but she's super hot and you feel nothing and nothing's happening and then you start having sex with people like in all these exaggerated ways and your sexuality is defined as this you know weird sort of act or weird sort of control or you know all that all that stuff which is that fear right that fear which is an acting of shame that fear to connect that fear to connect with the real me i think i have to do this because i saw you know uh eric everhard do this to you know tori black or some shit right you know i i'm seeing i'm seeing these guys like go crazy in those ways and actually i bring him up because he's a he's a guy that i i know and he's a guy that even helps me with my perspective towards these things because he's he's grown past it you know um but we start thinking that that's our sexuality and i'll tell you what about three years ago so i've been in this thing five years the first two years all i did was focus on like being a badass pickup artist and yeah you know i had the red stack had a lot of customization my theme has always been in some way be yourself but still i you know i was taking actions your actions defining my actions were getting late and i seriously thought man i seriously thought that i was never going to have good sex again that it would not happen i knew how to get a chick i knew how to get a chick that i'd like but i didn't know how to be myself with her and i yeah it's so weird because i'm i'm crazy man you know i when i got in the community i i stuck with the community guys but i also sought out people uh uh and people who actually helped me more than those community guys i sought out guys like my buddy the california pimp who's a a porn guy and i sought out guys who had you know done like all sorts of weird you know uh like managed strip clubs or or managed sex workers or whatever and i really talked to those guys and i in what i learned was i was obsessed with that technique obsessed with that technique and i got to that point where man it was um i was talking about this to uh somebody these these two sisters who who uh do work for the convention every once in a while and they're like jesus that was a little bit too much information but i was like man when i'd be having sex with people is more like masturbating rather than connecting with somebody and it was it was as if you know a human body or and something that i knew was like a potential to be this awesome awesome experience that could completely move you and humble you was just nothing you know it was like gray matter and and again it was about controls about control um and what happened was is you know you hit a bottom with it you hit a bottom with it and you start looking for answers and when you're humbled in that way you uh you really do it and hopefully it carries carries through and all that fun stuff by all means somebody was somebody told me the other day like i don't think i've hit bottom yet and i'm like well don't worry about it like you shouldn't try to hit a bottom those things like you know should naturally happen or whatever and your bottom's also where you stop digging um and what happened was is i had to learn that love of seduction and that love of connecting with people and again meeting got that's those those times when jason savage came to my life three years ago that was the time when i met met my girlfriend that uh you know lives far away and we have all sorts of interesting relationships um and that was also you know when i started to pay attention to different people where i when i started to voice things uh more to women and and talk to them about it and really get the idea of i knew that women were just as sexually aggressive as anybody else but at the same time i didn't i didn't quite understand why and it was still when they tell me like well just be yourself i'm attracted to confidence you're like what the fuck does that mean right but then when i got them to explain to really talk about those things connect to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to be me to connect with them and actually talk with them and see what those things meant you know see that that they may be horny but if a sexual experience goes bad uh or they have the best sex of their life and afterwards you know somebody talks shit on them or whatever that that they start to feel bad about who they are and i'm like man man i can relate with that i can relate with that and i started to realize more that it was like man i was the i was the a woman was here and a man was here and they define each other it wasn't that i became more of a man to somehow submit her or she became more of a woman to somehow submit me it was that together that exchange actually matched us and made us equals and that i had to learn to connect in that way which then uh you know i started to have better interactions with people learn the seduction and actually in a lot of ways have less sex have less crazy sex and it can still be all sorts of nuts but that defined my sexuality and as long as i was respecting my sexuality that was key all right now what i want to get into i guess i should have written something there but i want to actually get into some content because that will allow you guys to interact a little bit more and interaction is how my brain is stimulated so when we come to like material right i truly believe like i said there's an imbalance of information and theory and all that sort of stuff and action they're not coming together and what what we want to do is we want to merge those two things together and when it comes to material there's a good buddy of mine that was also massively influential this guy tarantz who lives in austin and you'll never know about him and sometimes you'll hear him on a podcast and it's the best fucking thing ever and he'll sit there and he'll talk to me i always talk to him before i give speeches although this time i didn't enough and i he's like he's like man i was just reading online about like this guy you know he took a boot camp and the instructor's saying that like you know he got laid on the first night and he's like man fuck that like jesus christ he's talking about the stuff and i'm like what are you talking about man that's a good thing and he's like look dude that actually works against him in the long run that's great he feels good about it but that's like you're playing basketball and you shoot a shot shot from center court and you make it and you call yourself a basketball player and he's like man that's that's like what's happening in the whole seduction world it's all meant to sell it's all meant to sell and all this all this sort of crazy stuff and also say things he's like you know everybody's always asking you about sexually framing you know that's the big the big thing that came out of dallas how to sexually frame he's like fuck that man fuck framing that just means you're afraid you're afraid to experience and it's all about the experience you're fucking afraid to experience it's good to lose control or the other night he he tarance is like tarance is the most fun to have in in many settings but especially a strip club and he had he had not been to me with one or in a strip club with me and like a year and he's like he's like man that one girl that one girl you know what i'm talking about man it's obvious that you like her more than she likes you and i'm like man fuck you but it's like totally true you know and i'm like dude fuck you man i got it down he's like no no man be out of control be out of control let yourself be you let yourself grow why the fuck do you think you got to control everything let yourself be you let yourself get beaten up let yourself get hurt now that being said so that you guys have a venue so that you can kind of apply these things this is something which i call rapport cycling all right so so one of the things with this is that this is infinitely the best way to communicate with anybody in any way shape or form and you can do it instantly in any situation yes at night time when there's high energy you probably need to isolate um but you you should be able to get started in this within two minutes in any interaction you can open with it you can talk with it you can do any of those things and it's you know it's what's awesome is uh uh james james marshall from australia was up here speaking he was he was talking about these conversational patterns and i'm like that's the same thing and what's so funny is he brought up the idea of challenging and and you never hear that in the pickup industry you hear about qualification qualification as a technique you know as a technique to get a result rather than what it was really meant so what what will happen with rapport cycling is one this is no magic trick i want you guys to learn this so that you can get into a conversation yourself and start augmenting it change it remember the people that i learned most from were the people that actually worked with me you know they were the people that evolved all this shit and so this comes from this comes from me actually interacting with with the my different clients and also the different women that you know i've talked to made friends with and all that sort of fun stuff with so rapport cycling it's an easy way to get into a good conversation and and accomplish two things two very important things one qualification and two rapport and you should be able to do it one minute to like five minutes i mean maybe ten minutes if you want to elongate it out but push yourselves i mean you can do it quite quickly all right now to explain qualification has four functions right so i'm i definitely came from like teaching pickup which is which is kind of interesting but i have this whatever spacey vibe towards stuff but to break it down number one qualification is to gain value that's what everybody says they say man if i ask what are you passionate about and she answers i'm more powerful than her so yeah okay there's some value dynamic in a conversation it's not the probably the greatest way to hold things and i would definitely downplay that the second thing the second reason was that it was to calibrate another thing which is kind of like but you know as mr was saying you uh you ask a girl a question she answers you're in comfort right you know that's the transition from a three to c one and maybe some other shit right um so that's the second reason now these last two reasons are by far the most important the third reason is to guide all right and this is something that i never fucking hear i like talking about three maybe four things i like talking about sexuality in order for me to be attracted to a woman i if she talks about her sexuality and i can sense it and feel it from her man it's like autopilot autopilot man i can start carrying over in all these other different ways that's one thing that i like to talk about you guys can talk about your own your own stuff i like to talk about what they're passionate about let's say she doesn't want to talk about sexuality that's fine i'm not trying to force her into anything i'm going to talk about passions what she really lives for all right i'm going to talk about uh you know i could talk about travel and experience those types of things and i could talk about fears and insecurities and everybody always says man you can't talk about that that's negative no it's human everybody fucking feels it you know why am i going to talk about her i forget what like some of the typical routines are but you know like a typical story of like oh no i was backpacking and all this crazy shit happens and you know i'm awesome or whatever man fuck that talk about stuff which humanity can relate with you know what would those be fears ambitions uh purpose ideals all that sort of stuff sexuality man woman dynamics everybody can understand that and if a girl is too young to understand that i probably don't want to talk to her all right so that's the third reason we want to guide our qualification we want to talk about stuff that we're going to be attracted about all right and what we're going to find attractive in other people no doubt now the fourth thing is the original reason the original reason for qualification to see if she is qualified to talk to you there's only two reasons why your set will not work right number one it wasn't meant to be you weren't qualified to talk to her she wasn't qualified to talk to you it sucks it makes you feel bad that's fine so what i actually extremely hate it when guys are saying detach yourself from the outcome fuck man it hurts it sucks man be a fucking human being you know be a human being and it and even i grow some balls and say hey man that sucked when you said that like i want to know why you would say that be a human connect with people man assert yourself the second reason is that you didn't show yourself enough and that's it those are the only two options for when shit doesn't go right it's not because you didn't do a technique right yeah those can be like little variables in it but they're variables to define that look you weren't right for me i wasn't right for you still feels like shit or i didn't show myself in the best possible way i didn't show myself i didn't open myself up enough and that's it but remember that fourth reason is to see if they're qualified to talk to you that's it if i talk to a girl she's amazing she's beautiful and i built up all this shit in my mind and she's standing there against the bar or whatever walking across the street it's like amazingly elegant and i'm just going like oh my god dude oh my god i'm like humbled as a man i gotta i gotta talk to this girl go up and talk to her and i say hey look i just had to come and talk to you my name's steve and like let me ask you something like i know this is totally random but what is it how would you define attraction i mean you're like an amazing looking girl how would you define it and she sits there and is kind of like oh well it's a weird question and maybe i want to push a little bit harder because i want to assert myself more i want to do that second reason right i want to show myself more and say and then i'm gonna ground and i'm gonna say well this is how i view attraction like man it could be these many things we want a checklist of things often and blah blah blah but at the same time it's about how i experience with somebody and she's like man i don't relate you know i don't get it i don't need to keep putting myself out there i don't need to keep trying to figure out a way for me to connect you know i need to be willing to walk away from that situation and let's say she says fuck you i don't want to talk to you you know again we're not qualified to talk to each other so it's really important those first two reasons value and calibration considerably less important but the ones that everybody focuses on and those other reasons of guiding you know hey i'm gonna talk about what i'm attracted to i'm gonna talk about what uh you know what i'm attracted to and what's attractive about me and then also to see if somebody is truly qualified to talk to you and the more you get to learn about your sexuality and start living asexual life your your level of qualification and talking to a woman will go go way up way up and it will naturally come out so let's talk about how rapport cycling happens number one it's it's a process and then there's a whole bunch of different like equations to this but i'm going to give you the simplest one that many people may have seen but don't do and you should you should fucking do it because it's like so easy to to make happen number one we need a topic all right then number two well actually here's where it really starts because we need a qualifier we need a grounds we need a challenge and this is really the main meat right here but down here i'm gonna say definition okay so what is this our topic is what's going to start us off and the best way to do this is if you really really want to workshop this i'll explain it ask me questions and i'll plug it in and uh this is essentially i don't know if you guys are familiar with the red stack but still to this sadly sadly even though we have all these genius instructors it is the only customized product that exists but this is how to do it this is how to do it um so our topic is going to be something that we want to talk about but we want everybody to be able to understand that topic so let's say you're into uh computer games let's say you are really good at it it's street fighter right you're really good at uh you know whatever i don't know what they are but uh you're really good at whatever whatever video games what you need to understand about that topic is it's something that you're into right something that you're into that's unique okay so that's how we're going to discover our topic out of that and as we q and a you guys and all that stuff you'll get to see how the process works so we want to get to a root topic and again think of stuff like passions ideals man woman dynamics sexuality stuff like that uh fears insecurities um things that make you unique whatever you know these are all human things that anybody can relate with anybody here so we figure out whatever topic and that's going to start off our qualifier our qualifier qualification is defined by myself as asserting yourself and seeing if it's accepted it's not forcing to accept it it's to assert yourself put yourself out there and see if it's accepted so that could be opening all right that could also mean if i'm talking to a girl and yet i haven't asked an important question and she's standing there talking to me and enjoying it that that also is qualification i've asserted myself and it's being accepted right all right so i can say hey you know what let's say i want to talk about street fighter or actually who has a crazy bizarre video game experience jacob huh starcraft 2 what's yours counter strike all right these games i know nothing about but i'm gonna say uh in fact no no no we'll open up the mic here in a second i'm gonna start off with the qualifier so let's say i want to open with that and i could go up to somebody and i could do all the whatever techniques and go behind and all that sort of stuff but i go up to somebody and i talk to them that's the most fucking important part and i'd say get closer than what is comfortable is the second most important part because the situation of sexuality will create sexuality it will create that process of seduction so we want to create that it's like uh you know my friend was talking about he's like i had this great night i got laid but i didn't pull off the threesome and i'm like hey man whatever but i'm like the thing with the threesome is create the situation you know you don't want it it's not about convincing somebody about anything it's about creating the situation the door closes and there's two girls in the room is step one it's not about like hey it would be really hot if you could get another chick no man it's not that's not that's not the way to work that but anyway uh we have our we have our opening qualifier all right and actually that's officially what i titled at the opening qualifier um and and we let's say we're opening and it's in the daytime and we say hey like i have a question this is like really random but i want to know about things that you do that are so unique but other people don't understand them all right and what i've heard from a few of the other speakers here is like ah you know when they were talking about qualification they probably aren't going to answer it right away and unless you really know somebody that means you've probably dated them you're in a relationship with them then they might really qualify themselves to you but anybody else whether you've been talking to them about an hour and you get all passionate you make these plans to travel the world they're still not capable there's nothing wrong with it about completely qualifying themselves to you so they're gonna their your only point here is to engage it's to to get their attention it's like 90 of the pickup material is all trying to accomplish this you know to get their attention right so we say hey you know what i have this question it's kind of random just if you have it a few seconds it's a question about individuality and doing things that people may or may not understand and so they answer yeah yeah i guess you know i have those things yada yada yada and then you switch immediately to this ground now the ground there's a whole bunch of like weird things to it but there's basically three parts to this ground that i'm not going to take up writing so take notes on it is number one a ground is defined as your story someone else's story or your perspective that it's usually a combination of all those things or two of those things often times with me it's my perspective via my story the next part of that ground that's going to be the first part of the ground the next part of that ground just to help you out break the rules by any means but this will help you out in the beginning is if you can state what you find attractive about this concept of uniqueness towards a video game right all right so that's the second part what you find attractive the third part is is why you are asking her all right so what can happen here and this is why this is really important if you're talking about the ground and you just bring it up and you tell your perspective and it's really in depth and let's say you're not so smooth or whatever or let's say you're really smooth if you don't ask directly wire if you don't show directly why you're asking them in that third part it's like you're asking it could be seen as you're asking for advice and you're not asking for advice remember there's a challenge here we want to challenge them based on us all right so what this could go like is like look i'm really into what is it starcraft or something what was yours counter strike i'm really into like for me so you basically ask hey it's a weird question you know but uh it's about uniqueness and being who you are and things you're afraid to show so let me ask you just off the top of your head what what how does that relate to your life and they're like i don't know and so you say now see with me like i do a whole bunch of things with my life but one of my favorite things is playing video games and it's like the least attractive thing that anybody could ever talk about you know or whatever but to me it's absolutely interesting and and however stupid it may be it's something that i may live for all right that's my story and sharing even my perspective that it has passion attached to it or whatever then we want to go and we want to define what we we think is attractive about this and say but to me like if somebody were to notice unique things about me that like they really understood it that would be the most attractive thing in the world you see how it's tying in here and then we go to this last part of how it relates to her so you being a woman who's like i mean i don't know i don't know you at all but you seem like you're attractive and probably get a lot of attention from guys that's what i'm really asking and then we go to this challenge now the challenge it's different than a qualifier it's not just a question it's something where we're saying hey i am me i've said who i am i've presented this right i presented who i am and i want to know who you are i want to know i've put out a road for you to walk on and i want you to walk on it and so an example of a challenge in this case could be it could be completely separate off the topic or it could continue on the topic but for simplicity reasons we'll continue on the topic when we answer questions we'll we'll move it around and whatnot um but what i would say here is i would say you know so i'm transitioning i'm saying that last part so you as a woman you know i don't know you but you're you're attractive you get attention from guys what is unique about you now i'm moving to the challenge what is like really unique about you i really want to know that you think is so attractive about yourself that men never notice all right again again she may not be able to answer that but i guarantee you if you get through this process that's why i said these three are like the most important if you get through this process and you get it down a woman may say nothing to you but you will end up engaging with her and feeling with her and again it's not like hey i'm saying all the lines and she's staying silent i want her to interact but if she's standing there paying attention to you and she follows you along especially with this grounding process you know stating stating your perspective then stating what's attractive to you and also you know stating why you're asking her specifically all right if you follow that then that's a conversation you're already you're already exchanging with somebody and that's where seduction starts to take place all right so even in your dialogue we're still working that sex seduction sexuality dynamic and again your definition from this your sexuality is that you're talking about yourself you know you're not using random random shit to get into girls pants you're actually using you to have her get turned on and feel with you when we get to the definition this is key very very key uh anytime you want anything to move in the right direction remember qualification is all about finding the right direction to go in so i found my right direction by picking the topic right so i want to talk about video games and you know my perspectives on life via video games and then i want to also base my definition on truly what i'm attracted to what do i value most you know i i heard that i value a connection with somebody somebody who could be caring i value somebody that could be sexual i value somebody that could be open-minded i value you know sky's the limit but you want to define what you value and you want to add this definition at the end this isn't to trick anybody this isn't to kind of pull a fast one on and then they're like hypnotically entranced with you and they're going to do this definition it's to again lay that road out even more so that they walk on it so what we do is we our opening qualifier would be like hey you know random question but you know i do this really unique stuff and i think that uniqueness can be attractive but what about you what about you is something which i don't know is unique but people don't notice she can't answer you ground you say hey look with me it's playing counter strike and i know it's the weirdest thing in the world but i really love it i'm really passionate about it and you may be like well this is stupid but look i think it's one of the most attractive things in the world when somebody could notice something about me understand something about me that you know other people don't see and so you as a woman you must you must have some sort of like grasp on this you probably get a lot of attention from guys but what is it about you that you do that's a unique thing that like a guy will never notice about you like what's something really attractive about you that a guy will like just overlook and then you would love him to look at and she's like i don't i don't know i mean jesus i mean i guess you know my sense of humor and again she's not really eliciting there but she's still feeling with you and what not um you can decide whether or not to go back to to press harder then i want to put my definition on what what i really want let's say what i really want is to to connect with a woman right to connect with a girl uh to to just be able to exchange with her to feel her and say you know what i'm going to put a definition on here and i'm going to say you know what you are somebody that i like i can tell even though we just met but you totally understand what i'm talking about like you totally have that and that is awesome we should talk more all right let's say we get deeper in an interaction our definitions might be more aggressive but our definition is guiding us towards what we're attracted to all right so what i want to do is i'm going to mix a few things in here all right um i want to mix through this process and i also want to go over a few concepts on identity and probably the most important thing that i would love for any of this and um it's how do i say how do i say you know my my doing any of these speeches my talking to people is completely worthless if i'm not reciprocating back with people you know um even those with a bunch of guys that's that's seduction man that's being yourself and having to come back to you so i want you guys to interact as much as possible but i also want to talk to you guys about these different concepts on identity and whatnot which uh we'll get to as we go so if anybody wants to start going over these things for yourself whether they're openers or you've already talked to a girl and want to clean up a story a different concept raise your hand and peter murphy will hand out the mic i know everybody's always so fearful at first man i don't want to oh washington dc is in the house uh what's that okay are you are you rolling okay so right now what i want to do is i want to have people give me their topics their stories something that i can show you how to filter into this type of rapport cycle we'll get to you next um this type of rapport cycle and uh in whatever whatever situation it could be openers it could be whatever it is that you want um it could be even in the midst of seduction in the midst of closing all that sort of stuff and they're still going they're still oh keep talking so let me tell you about no but uh but so as we're waiting here and uh the more you guys give me the better uh so think about those things and think about the most challenging things think about things that you think would be impossible to talk about uh things that you might be even afraid to talk about one of the most i guess important ideas of this is what i always heard people talk about especially when it came to like pickup or social dynamics was basically to not talk about things you were ashamed of or not talk about things which you felt were not valuable to other people and one of the most beautiful experiences that you can have with anybody is to talk about something which you felt nobody could relate with that you felt nobody could actually uh in any way attach themselves to and then you would think that they would judge you for it and have them actually love you for it and that's that's an absolute reality and i encourage everybody to go along that path and if you don't i mean it's a really really obvious path that happens with folks in the seduction community is that you end up being pissed off man you end up being pissed off and it's like you read the advertisements you invested all this money and you know shit didn't really work out uh so dc you had you had a question you had a question or you had a topic so yeah i was wondering like uh say there's this girl you're you know legitimately attracted to but you can't find anything that you're like you can legitimately qualify her on so there's just nothing about her that you respect enough or that enough common ground or commonalities or whatever it might be that you can like legitimately qualify her on but you still might be attracted to something about her physically how do you is there a way where you can kind of find okay so here's here's what you got to do and this is why identity is important when i talk about identity i'm not talking about something you're wearing or a stereotype or any shit like that i'm talking about uh you may want to stay next to him with the mic but i'm talking about who you are as a person so here's how i define identity and there's this whole work book thing it's like i have these pdf series and it's like 26 pages or something and you basically write this out what is your social perception how do i think other people view me what is my self perception how do i view myself what am i attracted to define what that means you know so it could be physically it could be emotionally it could be all those types of things we go into family you go into job you go into your ideals your purpose all that sort of stuff and you really write about that and what i tell guys is when you write that out it gives you automatic fuel for this and the other different you know uh techniques and methods that i have and ultimately remember i want you to step away from this i want you to be able to do your own stuff but what is it about you that's attracted to her that's the real question what if it's all physical and there's like almost nothing so okay no problem man no problem fuck physical beauty is awesome but physical beauty like uh james was saying you got to be responsible for for certain things and so what i noticed remember i want to get to that definition of my sexuality and when my sexuality is telling me it's like oh big tits and like oh my god i want that chick to suck my dick it's almost like that that's my first instinct and i had to act on it a number of times to realize that my sexuality was like oh man i want to i want to actually appreciate this woman i want to be the man that not even the man i want to be the guy in that moment that serves you know those whatever beautiful tits or the beautiful mouth or whatever that experiences with her you know it's not about me taking it it's not about me destroying i want to know what the experience is and so i have to think about what am i attracted to so what am i attracted to physically about her what does that spark inside of me what sort of insights and so that's what we want to get at so when you're thinking about this girl because i know you have a girl in mind right what is it about her what is it about her nobody can see her face even though i know your name and your social security number but like what is it about her uh well it's mostly physical things like she's got very long red hair okay how does that make you feel when you see long red hair and whatever her name is um what does it make you feel what does it make you want to do run my hands through it and and if you ran your hands through it like what would happen how about this if you had the opportunity to make her feel like a woman like a woman a complete woman what would that what would that feel like to you probably feel pretty good okay you got to get deeper than that though so i'm gonna improv a little bit but i want you to keep talking me through this so how well do you know her do you know her yeah i have we went on on one date but there just didn't seem like there was enough common common ground to really connect with her recovery mode well there's one thing that i would think that you should look at in this is as as my buddy jason said he said if you're not being sexual get sexual as quick as possible by any means if you are not being sexual that doesn't necessarily mean the act of sex but that does help but if you're not asserting your sexuality then your head's going to chase things which aren't real you know and it's going to start to define you so make sure i got no problem with people chasing you know they're always like here's the key man here's what made us good at snl's is we chased we turned the girl on got her thinking about sex and we ended up in her car like that was it you know we we made it happen and i remember guys would be like well then i'm like lower value if i it's like man no fuck that like you want to you like a girl you like you want to feel with her like make it happen that is your duty as a man in fact i was just in austria and i met this god man i should just have her speak but she spoke to me in mexico like a year and a half ago and just met up with her again for the first time since then but she told me she said that it is the man this girl nina she told me it is the man's responsibility to approach and to make the first move but it is only because he is seduced by the woman and again another concept that i've heard is like if we had to do what we'd want we just caveman chicks we just caveman them if we really like that but as men we like seduction we love seduction we love to be made stupid by it but we also need to be controlled and be dominant be responsible because we know our sexuality we know our definition so think about that and then i'll tell you whatever technique because we want to work on this but talk to me more about it sounds like kind of like a weird idea that your your head's kind of chasing something that maybe not i don't know but we'll talk more um so your your qualifier would be based on what you feel and based on your perspective remember our topic is just trying to get us into show ourselves and we want to get to this area where we can talk about our perspective right so i could say you could say like hey you know what we went on whatever date and and i really wanted to ask you this the whole time and i was even nervous by it but what is it this is my favorite one what is it you find what's attractive to you all right so you could say to me all right here's my perspective right to me god there's so many different levels to attraction but there's times when i'm so physically attracted it's really amazing you know and it it makes me like not be able to think you know of anything else and it almost humbles me and i think that's one of the most beautiful things that's kind of like what you're attracted towards that's one of the most beautiful things and then uh you're gonna say but but like for you like you're somebody that is really like a i don't know an amazing person that i don't know that well but for some reason i want to know more so i really want to know this about you like what to you because it's a physical thing that you're talking about and that's what you want to connect with and that's what you want to bond on what to you is something that i don't know makes you so attracted that your whole presence is a woman your whole physical feeling is a woman makes you go i need to know that man but you're completely blinded by it and humbled by it what to you is that she may she probably won't be able to answer she may even answer back with a question but then you're gonna say like look whatever i just want to keep talking to you like you sitting in front of me is the coolest thing ever so you know i'm just gonna ask you a bunch of stupid questions but but man i really want to know because i think the answer to whatever that is is awesome and uh so hold on hold on one second is it five or ten they should okay cool so uh that's that's what you want to go towards you want to go towards that sort of uh syncing up on a physical level because you're feeling carnal it's nothing wrong with it but feeling carnal remember as i'm saying if you're not going for the connection if you're just going for an urge and putting stuff on in order to you know execute that urge you're going to be having sex with nothing and it'll feel cool dude the first time man it'll feel great but dude second third fourth time and i i'll tell you this man i just this doesn't always happen like i said i have less sex now than uh than i did when i started but i had an experience where there was so much sex happening this one night it was so it was unreal i mean it was nuts and like you know i kind of know what to do in those situations you know it was truly amazing it was something that like you know would be pick up raggy about but when it comes down to it i was able to be open and experienced with these women there was no taking there was no control it was complete openness and it was nuts man it was nuts i mean it was unbelievable and at the end of the night i was able to spend three days with one girl and have an amazing experience and got to feel her and see her and and know the little bit that i could feel with her and again going back to that responsibility part man i felt everything i felt even love in those situations but i also know through experience through my sexuality and what i have to be responsible towards is that look all i could do was have that experience right there and feel it and walk away from it and and have it be that and it's and it's a beautiful thing and in some ways it didn't get any more carnal than the beginning of that night but you you understand what's more important that you understand the concept than even this specific situation perhaps we'll talk afterwards about it it's better setting for it this guy had his hand up i'm going to do one more because i tend to talk too much and take too much time and all that sort of shit but uh yeah you have actually already touched on it but in the context of your rapport cycling out what about threesomes well what is it that you want out of threesomes yeah that's what i was saying i think you get the experience i think the answer there actually answered it for me i think just okay let me let me uh in terms of rapport cycling because rapport cycling is in pickup it's always about social proof it's always about being noticed it's always about all this stuff right that i'm gonna somehow be the shit and these girls are gonna like me for it and man i thank god that the guy at my boot camp who was better than all the other instructors didn't give a shit about that he stood in a corner and he sat there like this the whole night and he talked to one or two girls and he he had the highest now he didn't approach everybody and if he approached everybody his ratio from like closing would be way lower but he had one out of three girls that he would approach he closed i went out with him eight nights in a row and i i this was a long time ago but i got laid four times that's awesome that's like bad ass like nobody does that shit he got laid seven times seven and he would do none of that stuff so what's important here is this stuff like rapport cycling stuff like sexuality should be done one on one first when you get that down and you're comfortable with it that's key and here's the key to sex you're comfortable with sex a lot of shit can happen and so threesomes yeah man you know why would you i'll i'll tell you what man they're i'd even say they're not that great you know i love connecting with one woman much more and why do i want two women you know it's cool and you can get a lot of things to happen but number one thing is logistics don't talk about it they may be open to it but get them in a room get them in a room the door closes make them feel comfortable you're not trapping anybody uh what's awesome is there's a couple threads that people wrote on threesomes in the community that i read a long time ago i haven't read any recently but it's like as soon as i started to have them it's obvious that these people never had them like never have had them and these are guys that are like owners of companies and all this sort of shit and it's like well you got to make one the prize and the other went no man you like you can do all sorts of techniques you know and shit and have stuff happen but you don't need to do that what you need to do is you need to get them comfortable with their sexuality and get comfortable with your sexuality and have you pace it because anytime you escalate this is important actually there's so much i could fucking talk about man but but the the more you ask questions the more it stimulates actually it's more than that to the qualifier and that's how do you approach the subject was more how do you approach the subject you would you would say okay so you have a girl okay so you have a girl i would not talk to her about it that much i would say like hey look i think these girls are attractive i would it would be more of a statement than some sort of like method of persuasion or anything like that but it would be like hey look it's i'll i'll put it in this but it'll mainly come from this all right the ground but you'll say like uh hey look what what do you think what do you think your sexual like our sexual experiences like how would you define that or whatever you know so i'm just getting on the topic you say see because with me i think it's so attractive like how you think and look at other women and and i think it's just so beautiful to to know or whatever you know state whatever your perspective is right and uh and i would not stick to the details man it's not a technical thing this is an emotional decision it's not a logical decision and then i would tell her i would i would say but man you are like to see your sexuality to see how you do your sexuality the girl man that is that is so beautiful and i want to see more of that um and you know then i would like challenge and the challenge wouldn't be verbal it would be like dude let's go up up and talk to this girl here's the thing dude with with sex like this you need to be responsible so this girl that is one of my friends in austria her husband who she got divorced from uh would have all sorts of threesomes with her and talk her into it and she said man i remember talking into it and she told me she she actually said she said i thought i would never be able to have good sex again because it was so something i didn't want to do it was some of the best sex i have ever had in my life but i never thought that i would be able to have good sex again because it was all about the crazy stuff that he wanted and i loved pleasing him i loved the whole process i loved even like liking another guy or another girl and having him get off more for it and all that sort of shit but i never thought that i'd be able to have good sex again and that is fucked man that that sucks that is a terrible thing that's that shame coming across and that's part of the problems with threesomes if you during sex and afterwards the woman's definition of sex afterwards is not feeling beautiful and like a woman then you have not done your job and you know if you're hooking up for one night that's one thing but man it's it's it's crazy man it gets nuts um one thing that i wanted to do all right look i want to talk to you guys more i get up here and i get inspired to to speak i'll go out to dinner tonight if any of you guys want to talk about this stuff let's do it if any of you guys want to approach any of this stuff my passion is to teach my passion has always been to teach i've never valued money i've never valued you know status or whatever who doesn't like attention but you know not on these same levels if you guys want to go over some of this stuff and really go over whatever identity things and you want to do it let me know meet me after the speech and in whatever corner and we'll figure out a place to eat um i will tell you i will email you the first pdf the identity pdf that you can work on over the next like two weeks it's pretty elaborate it'll take you like four or five hours to do it um and stay in contact with me if you want to stay in contact with me and actually do one of the courses that are coming up there's one coming up june 15th then let me know man i'll work out whatever to get you guys on it if you personally want to change then i absolutely want you to do it um i want to finish off with with this one thing and to try and articulate this is that obviously to me sex and sexuality mean a whole bunch of different things and to me it is the importance of it has the importance of spirituality it is something which is beyond something that i can explain that is bigger than me and again uh what i was talking about is we see sex as like this porn or this shame and we live life by our highs and our lows and we want to get in shape for what other people think of us and we want to be sexy we want to get attention and we want to exchange with people we want to have a sexual experience to define ourselves as a man and if we're going to do that we need to get the hottest chick we need to get her in the craziest positions we need to get her to say that i was the best i ever had we need to we need to go look at sex methods so that we can have better sex but when it comes down to it sex is never here or here success is never here or here socializing is never here or here it's the most natural things that we have any ambitions or goals that you have and this is what the sexual life is about is it's a balance it's a balance in this room you guys have heard speakers and been moved by them or been inspired or whatever you know and that's been happening this whole time we've been simply breathing in and out we've been simply experiencing we've been simply making friends with people we've been going out to lunch we've broken bread with people we've done all those simple actions and what we don't realize is those are more important than anything than any of this those are more important than anything that's going to happen after this is a result it's the simple things and this is what the sexual life is this is what when i'm with a woman i will not i will not man this happened this happened recently i will not i laid in a bed with a girl and i mean you know that's that's obvious you know i've known her for a while and very attractive attractive and i'm attracted to her i laid in a bed with with a girl but i knew that both of us are so like sex crazed it would not be good you know i can't be responsible for that we build this huge sexual dynamic and you know you know all these emotions would happen and it would not be a good thing you know so i need to be responsible with those things because my sexuality needs to be more calm it's low energy it's slow it's paced it defines us you know it's not a tidal wave it's nothing like that it's something which is calm and controlled and the essence of masculinity and femininity you know that's what the sexual life is it is it is something where you can live in balance and i was talking to you know some of the fitness guys yesterday and i'm like man socializing sexuality people always look for these big deals and these big breakthroughs but when it comes down to it what it's really about is that every day you may lift weights kick ass you know run a certain amount and they're not really into that but i am but um you you may get an snl you may make a big sale but it's never as good as it is and it's never as bad bad as it is because you need to do those things every day so whatever results that you have it needs to be in the simple actions open up your mouth put your hand out meet somebody exchange with them live the best possible life you can live and i've seen it man i mean like i said dude i speak constantly constantly with fucking people who are so down and out and i know what it's like man to be down and i was talking to that that homeless dude the other night that came up to me and it's like man you need to have for me i have to have compassion for that because that has been me and i saw him passed out on the ground before and i've seen guys that you know couldn't get a fucking needle out of their arm go out to live a life where they could be somebody that you know has an amazing life you know to change into something which is a functioning member of society whether that's a doctor or somebody that is just happy because it's a balance that we do and that is the sexual life that is what i want to share with you guys and if you guys want to do that then we can definitely do that you can live whatever your best possible self is and man that is what i stand for and if you haven't heard what my definition by by all of this is and what it is not then talk to me afterwards but there that's what i'm passionate about and that's what i love to do so hopefully you got a lot out of that if you want to continue the conversation i want to continue it with you uh steve mayer thank you very much