 Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu. So in 2018 I was blessed, my husband and I were blessed in that we got to celebrate 25 years of marriage and as of this past August it's been 30 years now, masha'Allah. At the time Seeker's guidance, Shefra Zirrani asked me if I would be willing to write an article in which I detailed the tips and pieces of advice and the dos and don'ts of what I had learned over the past two and a half decades in married life. And so I sat down and wrote this piece called 25 years worth of marriage advice and that article then developed into a talk and this talk is one that I give at various Lua parties. So that article then developed into a talk that I've been giving at various, they're called now Dua parties. We didn't have them back when I got married in 1993 but masha'Allah it's a beautiful tradition that many families have started now where along with the bridal shower and the mendhi and the dolki and the little dance parties that young women have before their wedding celebrations they'll also have an event called a Dua party where they'll have somebody come and speak and give marriage advice and the elders will give advice to the young bride and her friends. And so this talk developed from that and so primarily most of the advice in this article is geared towards women and for today's talk I've tweaked it a little bit so that it addresses men as well as women but what I want people to resist doing is I want women, the sisters to resist thinking when they hear the advice in this discussion today, well what about the men? What about him? Why are you just talking to us? And for the brothers I'd like to encourage that you refrain from hearing some of this advice and thinking aha are you listening to the wives and to any other women in their lives. So this whatever you feel benefits you take from it insha'Allah whatever you feel doesn't apply to you feel free to ignore. I will say however that everything I listed in this article has worked for me and has worked in the lives of women that I respect and admire whom I've been blessed to be able to observe and so I'm only sharing that which I feel actually benefits insha'Allah. But I do want you to keep in mind that everything I'm sharing is it is for those people who are in healthy marriages and by healthy marriages I mean that both spouses are God-fearing they're not emotionally or physically abusive they know how to give their partners their rights they don't have any debilitating addictions vices personality disorders or mental health struggles so I wanted to say that from the get-go because a lot of these tips only work if you're in the right frame of mind insha'Allah. So the first big overarching umbrella piece of advice that my mother shared with us and many women senior women in our community shared is make Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala your number one love and a scholar once told us that we should be looking at our orders of priorities in our lives like a pyramid so you look at it like a pyramid and you and your partner on the bottom and Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is at the top and the understanding is that as you and your partner grow closer to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala you also grow closer to each other and one of the other scholars said to us that you want to marry somebody who's going to drag you to Jannah and upon first hearing that the reaction is drag you to Jannah that doesn't sound very nice like sounds kind of violent and forceful what does that mean but what it actually is indicating is that getting to Jannah isn't easy and there's going to be times that you're going to feel discouraged there's going to be times you're going to want to give up there's going to be times when you're going to be lazy and you're going to want a partner who's going to encourage you and motivate you until you know we can do this we're going to do this together insha'Allah so each partner wants to be that for the other somebody who's going to drag drag the other to Jannah and so we want to look at our lives like a pyramid where we and our partner are down here on the bottom and Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is at the top and we also want to look at our circles of concern in the core of our circles of concern in the core is Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala always making sure that his rights are met and then after Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala we women we look at our husbands and men we look at our men look at their wives and their parents who are also their responsibility and then after that our children after that our teachers and our scholars and our neighbors and after that the greater community and what happens sometimes is that people get the order of priorities mixed up and that's when you see the baraka leaving the marriage where maybe we end up spending all our time giving it to the community and we're not looking at what our children need or maybe we're giving all our time to our best friends and we're not looking at what our husband needs so it's important to make sure that we look at our circles of concern and we make sure that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is the one who is in the center of it all you want to pray together and for one another supplicating every step of the way so anytime there's any major decisions to be made in the marriage praying Salat al-Staghada together anytime you have a major need praying Salat al-Hajja Salat al-Hajja is the prayer of need Salat al-Staghada is the prayer of guidance I know somebody who before they even buy a refrigerator they will first even if they've decided this is the refrigerator we want to get they'll still pray al-Staghada in order to put baraka in the decision so again showing that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is the top priority first and foremost like Hussai said earlier that you want to make your marriage a means of drawing closer to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala so your marriage is just another act of Ibada and so you don't look at it as how much is he doing for me versus how much am I doing for him you look at it more as what am I doing that's going to be pleasing to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala you want to have big intentions and you're not when you make big intentions and have big intentions you're not keeping score when you keep score that is what brings bitterness and resentment into the marriage so seeking Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala's pleasure and his approval is what's going to get inshallah all of us on the right track okay so the first section was make Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala your number one love the second section is work on increasing your love and affection men should know that women need affection it's a primary need for women and so we want to follow the example of the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam there was a reason that he encouraged spouses to hold hands and to feed one another from the same plate just like any other blessing marriage can start to feel stale we can start to feel old you can start to take it for granted but these types of intimate gestures help reinvigorate the marriage you want to take note of the five languages of love there's a book out there that you can find that discusses the five languages of love but a quick synopsis is that there's five ways that men and women show love to one another five ways all human beings show love to one another and the way people show love is by providing service by giving your time by giving verbal phrase and affirmation by giving physical affection and by giving gifts these are the five languages of love and you want to see which language of love your spouse is utilizing on you if you have a different language of love your spouse may not notice your language of love because they can't hear it because you're speaking a different language I'll give you a case in point my love language is verbal affirmation big surprise I'm big about talking right and telling people how much I appreciate them writing about how much I appreciate them and love them my husband's language of love is service he doesn't talk much about how much he loves you he's just quietly doing what needs to be done and the times that my husband and I butt heads or we have a conflict it's usually when we're speaking different languages of love and we're not hearing each other so mine might be you know I made an effort to look nice and you didn't say anything about how pretty I look or you didn't say anything about how delicious my food is that I made for you today and an example of a time when he was frustrated with me was when I borrowed his car and I came back and the and the gas tank was on empty because that's something he would never do he would never leave me with an empty tank of gas and so to him it was a sign of inconsideration for me to overlook the fact that I was leaving him with an empty gas tank because he's all about service so for me in order to make sure that my husband feels loved I have to get out of my comfort zone and do what I know my husband would do to show his love to me and he gets out of his comfort zone inshallah and tries to make more of an effort of talking about things that I might want to hear from him another big need for women is the need for intimate conversation they say that men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears and there's truth to that that there's a reason women love poetry and there's a reason women love deep and intimate conversations and why they like to get on the phone with their friends and talk to them for a long time whereas husbands are just fine you know hearing the basic details of what's going on the basic points and not going into too many details so that's something for men to keep in mind that women need intimate conversation and they need undivided attention when you are talking to them so you want to establish a routine or a tradition that nobody else is allowed to get in the way of so not work not your parents not your children for some couples it might be Sunday morning brunch for others it might be after dinner tea others may choose to go on an evening walk or read aloud to one another when they're in bed there are many who've established a designated date night in their weekly schedule the point is you want to have something special just for you to and then you want to jealously guard it it should be something that you both will miss if it ever gets taken away by the way something I actually meant to bring up in the beginning which I forgot to the title of my talk is actually about failing marriages and I'm actually an optimist and I'm somebody who tends to look at the glasses half full and so I wanted to flip the script instead of talking about failing marriages inshallah I'd rather talk about what makes a marriage successful and then people can look at that and see what is it that I need to be doing more of and what is it that I need to inshallah maybe stop so date nights and special time for what another something very important to bring into your schedule you want to hold on to your passions and your interests you may not be into each other's pet projects and that's okay but you should be each other's biggest cheerleaders you want to ask sincere questions about whatever hobby the other person is into I am not into football I don't understand the game I don't get why my son and my sons and my husband are so excited about football but you know I try to support them when they have their Super Bowl parties I try to occasionally ask questions about what's going on but I don't poo poo it I don't put it down I don't make fun of them I don't dismiss it as if it's something you know dumb my husband jokes that he's a coffee and doughnut guy married to a tea and scone girl we're very different about the things we like and that we enjoy but we do try to take a healthy interest in what the other person enjoys and without being condescending about it men need recreational companions they need somebody they need their spouses to be interested in what they're doing and to make time to accompany them for things that are of interest to them I was very touched recently over Thanksgiving break my husband went out of his way to take me to visit the birthplace of William Shakespeare in England and he is not into English literature he has no curiosity about curiosity about William Shakespeare but he followed me around while I went around you know checking out the room that William Shakespeare was born in and the classroom that he studied in he was a good sport about it the truth is if he made me go to a football game I don't think I'd last but Alhamdulillah it was a sign of him you know which I'll be taking an interest in that which I'm interested in Khidma or service the Arabic word for service wins hearts so filling his gas tank that you realize is almost unempty helping him complete the dreaded tax warms sewing on his button that you noticed came loose are all signs that you care about him and are looking out for him for some spouses actions speak louder than words so there should be a difference ladies between you being present in his life and you being absent Hussai touched on this in her talk and I'm just going to quickly skim over it but it's a very important point among the most important duties of husbands and wives in the Islamic context is the fulfillment of one another's sexual needs this is not something to be taken lightly spouses who insist on rejecting their partners advances cannot be surprised to then witness the relationship disintegrate there are situations when a husband is forbidden to approach his wife for intercourse during her menstrual cycle during her postpartum bleeding and during the fasts in Ramadan but outside of these cases it is imperative for both spouses to do their utmost to make sure that they are partners in every way not least of which physically always always pray to alas panathala great and glorified is he that he maintains the love in your heart for your spouse and that he preserves the love in your partner's heart for you alas panathala is the one who put the love in our hearts for one another and he's the one who can take it out just like that just like that if tomorrow your spouse decides that they no longer love you and no longer want to be with you there is nothing you can do about it it is completely a gift from alas panathala that out of the billions of people in the world there's one person who's choosing to love you and you are choosing to love that person so you have to recognize it as a blessing and you need to be doing slothal sugar prayer of gratitude for that blessing okay the next section your grandmothers were right all men want respect ladies men need admiration they need to feel appreciated and they need to feel that their women are proud of them the wife may be the one to instigate most of the major changes in life she might be the one who brings home the thicker paycheck in some cases she may even be older however the husband should be given the respect of having the clear role of being the amir or the leader of the family he should be honored by the wife and the children as the guardian of the household and he in turn should recognize that alas panathala is the guardian of his and his wife's household now of course acknowledging that your husband is the amir doesn't mean that you aren't vocal in sharing your opinions one grandmother joked the husband is the head of the family but the wife is the neck that turns the head you don't want to contradict or correct your husband in public and same same with husbands you want to give each other the dignity that your partner deserves you don't want to ever demean your spouse to your children if you don't honor your children's parent your children will not honor their parent either and remember it's still riba or backbiting to talk about your spouse in a way that he or she wouldn't like even if you're only discussing your partner with people who will always love him or her you don't want to let down your guard when it comes to your partner's rights ladies if your husband ever buys you a gift that you don't love love it anyway try to see the heart of the gift giver behind the gift there are always gentle and cheerful ways of honestly communicating your preferences at a later time and this is an important one for young people these days regardless of whether you had a social media presence before your marriage or not once you're married be aware of your partner's views on how much you post about your love yourself and your life with your partner you want to respect each other's limits put your cell phone your book and yes even your prayer beads away when your partner is trying to talk to you about their day give your undivided attention and teach your children who are old enough to understand that they are not to interrupt their parents time together laugh with your partner but never at your partner never laugh at your partner's expense okay the next section make your home a haven and ladies make yourself his hoodie and men make yourself her hero now i realize that there are many women today who are uncomfortable with the word hoodie but hoodies are real creations of alas upon a dollar and they are described in the holy Quran as the companions in paradise and i believe that it's time that we reclaim this word and own it for what it is there's no reason why our homes cannot be little pieces of paradise inshallah and there's no reason why we cannot be heavenly companions for our husbands within our own homes so when you see your beloved for the first time after he returns home or after she returns home make sure to greet your partner and kiss him or her or hug him or her practicing muslim men and women who have takwa god consciousness will avoid all physical contact contact with men and women who are not their blood relatives and many of them are surrounded at work by other men and women who make a real effort to look attractive and to smell good you are the reward your husband gets at the end of a long dry day and you want to be soft and affectionate and fragrant men especially need to be physically attracted to their wives and men want domestic bliss what does domestic bliss look like everybody wants domestic bliss so this is a an umbrella definition of domestic bliss but men especially are looking forward to escaping the world and finding that domestic bliss and support in their home what it looks like is peace and quiet and not and no nagging and it it's a world that smells good that's clean and organized and it's not chaotic and where a person feels welcome and a person feels supported and so we want to make a real effort to make sure that our homes are the eye of the storm right the whole world is in turmoil right now that there's a big storm raging around us but every storm that Allah swt has created has an eye of the storm where everything is peaceful and calm and quiet and things are not whirling around our homes can be the eye of the storm inshallah if both husband and wife work at it when you know that life has been stressful and busy this goes for the men as well as the women wait until your partner has had a chance to relax before asking them to do anything or breaking any bad news to them everything about you from your clothes to your hair to your skin to your breath should smell clean and fresh for yourself yes but especially so for your partner you want to be kind and welcoming to one another's friends but you don't ever want to be in solitude with the opposite gender and that includes not being alone with another with a person of the opposite gender on social media either it's very easy to think that you're safe because there isn't any physical contact but it's very easy to start to become emotionally attached to somebody else if they're showing you kindness and friendliness even if it's just through texting or on social media the next section is called conflict is inevitable learn how to manage it in a healthy manner so the first two years of marriage often end up being the most exciting as well as the most challenging even if you were to go on a fun best friends trip you know the men with their buddies and the women with their girlfriends if you were to go on a trip you're bound to rub each other the long way after being in each other's space for you know periods of time and traveling together so of course that's going to happen even with your spouse especially with your spouse and so in the first couple of years you're learning how to live with another nuts with another ego while your partner is also having to do the same but what it comes down to is that marriage isn't so much about struggling against another nuffs another ego as much as it is about struggling against your own nuffs against your own ego so expect to be challenged intend to grow it's perfectly okay to have different personalities and to have different interests variety is a spice of life but what you want to make sure is that both of you have the same goals for your marriage and for your future family and that you're both on the same page about how you're going to achieve those goals inshallah so one of my cousins caused a bit of consternation in our family when we were having a group discussion about marriage we were giving advice to a cousin of mine who was getting married and he said i don't believe in the word compromise when it comes to marriage and my mother she was like what are you saying marriage is compromise but then he went on to explain if you think of everything as a compromise you're going to keep score and you're eventually going to become bitter once you decide to do something try to embrace it fully and believe in it don't think of it as a compromise anymore and we all agreed that there was wisdom in that you want to self reflect and you don't want to be too proud to apologize the relief on your partner's face and the peace that comes in the home after suffering the sting of stepping on your own nuffs on your own ego in order to say i'm sorry i was wrong is so so worth it it's worth it it's a given that all of us are going to get angry at some point or another but it's when tempers are flared that people's true natures are revealed you want to be mindful of who you always want to be try even if it's a struggle to maintain your other your manners your etiquettes when you're upset being angry is never an excuse to break or throw things to scream to curse to use foul language to slam doors to pull hair to scratch to spit to raise an arm or to throw punches these are all things that happen in dysfunctional marriages there's no excuse for them ever don't casually toss around the d word divorce every time you feel overwhelmed in regards to our interpersonal conduct when we're feeling frustrated it's important to always remember Allah subhanAllah is watching don't ever be disrespectful to your partner what does disrespect look like what is disrespect very simple rule of thumb if your partner thinks you're being disrespectful you are that's it if your partner says i feel disrespected you're being disrespectful when you're this is a really big one that my mom always told us and and it's a golden rule when your spouse is angry or visibly agitated stay quiet in the heat of the moment you can always make your point at a later time there's always time later it doesn't have to be said right then and there when addressing your disagreements avoid using absolutes like always and never it's not fair to forget the positives in your spouse by saying you always do this bad thing or you never do that good thing it's rare that issues are black and white there are always shades of gray i just said always they're most of the time there are shades of gray so we shouldn't be so quick to condemn one another don't expect your partner to be a mind reader if something is bothering you discuss it set yourself up for success by beginning your conversation with an i statement instead of a you statement for example instead of saying you left your clothes all over the bedroom again that was so thoughtless of you instead try to turn it around and say i feel frustrated when i find clothes all over the bedroom at the end of a long day try to avoid getting personal and don't assume that your partner knows exactly how their actions are affecting you give your partner the benefit of the doubt you want to learn to distinguish between a criticism and a complaint a complaint is an expression of a problem that you'd like to solve for example it's really frustrating for me to find a messy bedroom at the end of a long day that's a complaint a criticism adds disrespect to the complaint it is so frustrating for me to know that you're a slob why are you such a slob how are you raised that's a criticism okay don't go to sleep angry stay up and fight instead no i'm just kidding i'm kidding contrary to the age-old advice to resolve all conflicts before going to bed sometimes it actually helps to sleep on a problem but first you have to calm yourself down by reminding yourself to have the what go or trust in Allah once you've had a full night's rest you can tackle your problems with a fresh attitude the next day what you want to make sure to avoid is sleeping in separate beds you'll be surprised how many problems can eventually get solved just by snuggling under the covers together it's shaytan who wants to separate you too always remember that avoid arguing in front of your children but if they ever do witness a loud disagreement between you and your spouse make sure to make up and apologize in front of your children as well show them that marital conflict is not the end of the world and that there are healthy ways to resolve issues let them witness you apologizing and hugging it out holding grudges breeds toxicity and dysfunction once issues are resolved don't keep up bringing past mistakes learn to forgive and then forgive every single day have a sense of humor about each other's flaws and foibles for example i am always losing my eyeglasses always i have i think 10 pairs lying around the house more my husband is always collecting them and putting them in a safe place for me but i'm still always losing them i wish eyeglasses have the feature that the iphone did where you say siri where are you then your eyeglasses say here i am but they don't but my husband never gets mad at me about it he's alhamdulillah always got a sense of humor about me being annoying honestly i'm being very annoying by always searching for my glasses as i'm going out the door but alhamdulillah just have to have a sense of humor about each other's flaws go with the flow and for other words just let it go just let it go all right the next section is called be a uniter and not a divider when you get to know you're in laws you're going to see that not every family does everything the way your family does and that's not necessarily a bad thing you want to take the good that you see in your new family and you want to adopt it and you want to ignore the bad and you want to resolve with your husband however not to allow either of your family's poor habits and poor choices to continue in the next generation that you're hoping to raise together inshallah you don't want to complain about or criticize your spouse to your own family you're eventually going to get over whatever was bothering you but you're going it's going to be difficult for your parents and your siblings to forgive and forget so easily you want them to respect your partner so you want to be a veil for your husband brothers you want to be a veil for your wife physical abuse however is a non-negotiable deal breaker god forbid if that line is ever crossed you want to sound the alarm and you want to get help immediately if you want your partner to respect your family you're going to have to show respect for your family first your partner will follow your lead if your partner sees that your family is always causing you to feel stressed out and annoyed then they're eventually going to start to resent your family for bringing stress into their own household so you want to protect and nurture that special yet fragile relationship between your spouse and their in-laws even if it's not a priority for your spouse you want to take the time to buy your partner's parents and siblings presents remember their significant days just because the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said give gifts to each other and you will love one another so go ahead and buy your in-laws love it's sin after all if your husband or your wife is ever upset with their own parents or siblings or extended family don't jump in and encourage your partner in their negative opinions you want to defend your in-laws and make excuses for them and encourage your partner to see the good in them be their advocate if you have nothing nice to say just stay silent your partner may not admit it then but may not admit it then but he or she will be grateful for your attitude later and will thank you even if only in their hearts because the truth is nobody wants to hear anybody else bad-mouthing their own family so remember when we talked earlier about the service about service being one of the five languages of love well here is an opportunity for one of the highest forms of service you want to be someone who helps mend hearts and helps bring relations together don't be a cause for discord in the family this next section is called don't try to keep up with the joneses you want to avoid debt like the plague a large fancy expensive house may do nothing towards keeping you happy making you happy however a small clean cozy simple peaceful home in a safe neighborhood filled with people who are hopefully trying to please a lesbian at all can very well feel like a palace in heaven inshallah responsibly managing the family budget will avoid a lot of stress in your marriage paying ribba or usury brings about all kinds of problems in one's life and it destroys the baraka or the blessing in the home don't ever pay interest even if it means you never get to own your own home or your own car in this life keep your akhira glasses on as they say make do with what you have and only complain to alas panathala for your wants and needs make your husband feel like a hero make your wife feel like a hoodie having said that don't hesitate to schedule time to have honest conversations with your spouse about anything that needs to be improved the key is not to become an irritating nag who is constantly whining and complaining complaining and issuing orders you want to talk to your spouse when he or she is in the headspace to listen be grateful be grateful be grateful alas panathala says in the holy quran if you are grateful i will surely increase you and alas panathala always keeps his promises remember you're not going to have it all not in this life at least so don't compare your life to others and at the same time you might not want to brag to the world about how happy you are or how perfect your life is i'm the evil eye and has said malicious jealousy are two realities that alas panathala in his wisdom has allowed to exist in this world so you want to protect your marriage from them besides who wants to be the cause for pain or sadness in the lives of those who are struggling with their own love lives right they're going to be little things that are going to irritate you about your spouse and sometimes those causes for irritation might start to feel like big things even when they're not at those times you want to remind yourself that perfection is only for alas panathala and you want to try to think about what your life would be like without your partner and you want to be grateful for a spouse who is choosing to somehow still accept you despite your shortcomings and if somebody else's husband or wife seems perfect to you remember that everyone has flaws and good spouses hide their spouse's shortcomings so you're probably not getting the full picture nor should you expect to this is a big one and i heard uh babali touch on this earlier instead of chasing happiness try aiming for contentment instead aim for ridah for contentment don't take one another for granted your spouse is a duniawi or worldly blessing that can be taken away at any moment and believe it or not somewhere out there is somebody who would be more than happy to trade places with you so appreciate what and whom alas panathala has given to you the next section is called have a mentor in marriage avoid getting marital advice from people who you know are having their own relationship problems similarly stay away from getting advice from newbies who are still learning the ropes themselves i tell this to young people all the time don't get advice from your best friend who got married last year look to someone who has a long term successful marriage of his or her own to find out how to make it work try to find one wise discrete person to consult don't tell everybody your problems if somebody you respect says that you need therapy you probably do don't be ashamed to do whatever it takes to save your marriage give it your all if you do pay for mental for marital therapy only seek out trained professionals who understand and respect the parameters and priorities of your religion you'll be surprised at how often well-meaning but spiritually clueless therapists will prescribe the haram or divinely prohibited as medicine for a troubled marriage i know the young couple who were having bedroom issues and their non-muslim marital therapist told them to watch pornography together that was what they were advised so we're very grateful for organizations like wasila wasila and muslim marital therapists in our community who we can turn to inshallah okay and the last section is called set yourself up to soar spiritually your spouse may be your best friend or maybe he or she is not your best friend that's okay either way you don't want to neglect your good friends that you do have in your life you want to take time to nurture those bonds that help you be a better person there's going to come a day when you're going to need the women you're going to need the support of your sisters and there's going to be a time when brothers you're going to need the support of your brothers but don't let falling in love make you fall out of friendship with your tribe you want to consider connection with your friends as part of your self-care but remember that your spouse and your spouse's needs always take precedence if after being married people routinely mistake you for being single you're definitely doing something wrong you want to attend religious classes together religious workshops together either in person or online the point is to keep growing together spiritually you may not grow at the same pace and that's okay you're two separate souls after all but at least you'll respect the same teachers and you'll understand each other's motivations and end goals inshallah instead of listening to those people who advise don't let marriage change you amend their words to marriage should only change you for the better inshallah take an occasional break and travel even if you can only afford to do so locally we're very fortunate here in northern california lots of beautiful places to explore take so get out there and get out of your you know neighborhood and explore together but like hosai said earlier make alas upon atallah your ultimate destination that's it thank you