 Mae'r ffais yn ymddi'r ffordd. Dwi'n mynd i'r Llyfrgell, a'r ffais yn ddechrau, mae'r ddechrau yn ymddi'r ffordd. Dwi'n mynd i'r ffordd, o'r ffais yn ymddi'r ffordd. Dwi'n mynd i'r ffordd, o'r ffais yn ymddi'r ffordd. Fynau'n meddwl, ymddi'r ffais yn ymddi'r James Yshawn I Davenflath. Rhaid i'r brif? Rhaid i'r ffais. Fynau'n meddwl. Rhaid i'r ffais yn ymddi'r ffais yn ymddi. Mae'n defnyddio ffais yr ymddi yn dweud gwneud. Mae'u gwneud yn ddechrau, mae'r rhai ddechrau yn ymddi'r ffordd, mae'r ffordd yn edrygiadau yma. Mae'r bobl eraillach szinu, a mae'r bobl yn ddechrau. Mae'r bobl yn ddechrau. Mae'r bobl yn ddechrau, mae'r bobl yn ddod, mae'r bobl eiώ. Mae'r bobl yn upsymau a newid ymddi. Mae'r bobl yn dweithio'n gyllid honno, ac rwy'n eu wasio yn ymchwil ac rwy'n cael mewn busgwch. Mae dda'n meddwl am siarad y bwrdd iawn, a rwy'n meddwl i fynd i'r ffilm.faith gennym ni'r ceisio fod yn teimlo, ac mae'r eich bwrdd iawn yn cael eithaf agorraeth y bwrdd iawn. A'r busgwch ar y busgwch wneud, ac rwy'n meddwl am ystod y ymweli'r busgwch ar y brwyngau ac mae fe fydd oedd eisio yn ei wneud eu ddartiannwyd fel mae eisiau weithio'r busgwch i ddechrau, As I was a youngster I was manipulating girls at my age, but then it wasn't enough. What more? What are the older women? You're talking about a nine-seam-year-old child here. So it was as if I became a teenager overnight and all these weird behaviours were kicking off. When I put that out call then something happened then. While it's drink, drugs and women is to fulfill that emptiness that we've got to do that. But realistically when you do that you become more disconnected. When you started drinking heavy, when did you start getting into drugs at age? Early. I'd say about 12, you know, erasol cans. That was like somewhere else over the nail court, because I was always nicking aaw court from places and stuff. My family parties and stuff. I would always want to want to get pissed as a child. But I had all that that took me thinking into another realm like I was like, O-ius this is this isn't it. So sniffing gas all the time even to the point where my mom sort of role is and she's the first we like the old gas, the whole jelly gas. I know she go home and I was fucking sweating in the house. Did anybody notice any horrific changes or did they notice you were drinking or doing bad things or did you quite it well because you know yourself anybody with addictions were the best liars out there. I think in the other days I didn't ... byddwn yn gyd ddim yw'r ynhwyscol loc yn ddim... ... wedi'u portio i'n mynd i ddweud â'n bau hynny yn ddigonol a bach... ... mae'n gweld mai neud i'n ddigonol ffnogi'n gweld i'm ddigonol. Rwyf wedi'u bod gaelol yn ymwneud a'r cyfrwng. Dwi'n rwyf i'n ddim iawn i'n gynllunio ardangosi yn cyfnod. Ffynnodd o ddangos-fynu 15. A gyddyn ni'n hoffa'r pwg arian. Rwyf wedi'u fwy na ffwrdd ym mhag relaxed... ...ibwyr wrth gwneud dokwyddiad y gallwn cynllun. Fydd ஓa gwrs rwyf am eu ddylo, mae'n gweld yn mynd idym unig. Mae'n ddweud iawn. Mae'u gwneud о'r h�au, o phoes roddi wedi'u cwpatig. Mae'r meddwl cyhoeddwys, gyda'r fawr pech na yn ei gwybb. A fawr a rubidutwn. Mae'n meddwl mewn yw yw. Ond fe'r hynny'n dweud hynny'n dwy. Fe'r hynny'n dweud hynny'n dwy. I can say it my best customer. I had rounds of drugs being sold but I started fucking robbing my own people that was doing drugs from me. Pounding them up and seconding the stick was my stuff. I was robbing off myself. It started to become a party for one. I'd always end up on my own. Isolating again in the dark. Now I come up back. It's like that childish behaviour I had. I'd always be doing something in the dark out of the fucking way. Anyway, I'd landed again, 10-year cold-head, with a bad habit, and then I found this other thing then. And it was like, it was like the alcohol to the vinegar. It was like, wow. Replacement? Yeah, shai away. Didn't want cold-head no more. I want this other thing. So there's always so much drugs you can take before you need to start taking more and more and more, but I'll replace with stronger stuff. Yeah. How long you're on the crack for? 10 years. And that was like, it wasn't even a secret. Ac ydyw ni'n gwybod. Felly mae'n cael ei gwybod. Mae'n gweithio. Dyma. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'r ddaf yn y bobl. Mae'n barlau. Mae'n gymryd y ddim yn ymddangos. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'r gweithio gyda'r cyfrifiad. Mae'n gweithio, mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio, mae'n gweithio. We've been through you've got your insured Facebook a Sharing Show live which I love instagram again every day You when a lot of people when they change sometimes they preach I was one of the guys that preached okay, this is a All that yeah, I don't know what I'm still thinking but that's just to because it's a lonely journey as well Listen I've relapsed after relapsed and get back when I do when I'm off at I do amazing things in my life because I focus my energy Concentrate on me and progressive my life. So everything you've came through Felly mae'r ffasebwch yma, mae mae'r oeddi'r Instagram, realise'r hollwc iddo meddwl y byddai distribute. Mae'r ddyweddu bwysig oherwydd mae y byddai. Mae'n rhaid i'r gennym y un iddo sydd yma, ond mae'n dweud mewn gwneud gan y ffordd, sy'n caen dechrau byddai a'w sioe ai'r iawn gweldon. yn y byddai, mae'n dweud yn meddwl ac felndeg yn dweud ar gyfer fynd ddechrau. Dyma'r cyfŷwch ar y ddechrau, pawb i ei wneud i dydd eich y gwôn oeddiol ar ei beth. Well it first started when the Christmas song basically, I'd gone into detox and I couldn't do that, I was gonna kill myself basically, even all that I'd done I'd been a... The kids got sucked from that cos that was the first time they'd have ever done it, said you can't have the kids until you get fixed, I didn't know how to fix myself so I went into a detox unit, quickly got it out because I went in there with an eagle I'd do everything. Rydyn ni wedi chwarae phoel, rydyn ni'n gweithio i gynnwys ac oeddwn ni'n rhannu o ddau arloch. Yn hyffordd sydd yn y golygu a chyfodol o bobl i'r unrhyw o'r regionsau yma i gyd. Rydym ni'n ymwyaf, yr ymryd â'r adnod i gael, I'm ready to change. She's decided I'm giving this everything to better my life and change my life and the results speak for himself. When anybody's in the struggle and a lot of people are in the struggle, this man's watched this man's stuff. He knows how to change and it believes in he can change and you've said your addiction is trying to help others. That's dog self-seeking because it makes us feel good. Homeless stuff I do makes me feel good. So why would I not do it? You're helping others plus I'm helping me. Everything I do is to help me because I feel good because in the days I feel right I'm no good enough. He's that fine line and I love it as well. It's like, you know when I say, do not, you know when people say I've done a good deed for the day and they've posted on me. I've helped this homeless guy and it's like, that's not a good deed. Good deeds are for the day. But he's a fine line because the big book tells us as well. And I don't like to preach about the 12 steps. I try and keep it as I'm a person long term recovery. But I pick up a lot from that 12 step programme. And when all else fails, when you're struggling, go on up someone. It's that simple. Why? Because we get a good feeling from that. So the people that say, I'm totally selfless me, I do all this selflessly. Yeah, we do it to a certain extent, but we're always going to get gratification. There's always something to feel good. To feel good fact on. That's a feeling that you can't buy. That's a drug that you cannot take to give you that feeling, a satisfaction that you've helped someone else. But I believe you can only help other people when you're actually helping yourself as well. When there's a lot of people who feed their own ego. When they do a homeless deed, they're trying to help the homeless and they video rat. They're doing that for their own reasons. If that's to promote something and get more people involved in what you're doing. I don't want to hand it over here. Because it's awareness and to create it. But I don't like the fact that people are taking maybe a homeless person, taking their photo when they're not looking. I look what I've just did. That's you feeding. You're not feeding a homeless. You're feeding your ego. So, there is a thin line, but there's so much negativity in the world as well. So, somebody's doing a good deed. You can write about it, but also try and get things to say, how can I help this person more? Is there anybody else I can get in contact with? Use social media to try and help someone, not just obviously help yourself. But everything I do with me, I feel good. So, is a thin line, am I doing this? I question myself, am I doing this for what reasons? Am I doing it for me? Am I doing it for someone else? I'm still fucking battling. Even though I'm doing good things, I'm still questioning. Why am I doing that? Am I a fraud? Am I telling lies? That's my agenda. I'd be the same thing. I argue with myself thinking, are you doing this for the people or is it because you're liking it? And what I've tried to do now, I've stopped being hard on myself. I find a balance. I whatever I do, I enjoy doing it. And you know what? It helps thousands of people every year. So, it's like, all right, that's it. It makes me feel good. But sometimes I don't feel as if I deserve it. The stuff that I do, why am I doing it? I question myself, why am I doing this? See, I deserve this. I get a lot of respect. That's when you get your haters in no matter what you do in life, but I get so much respect and that makes me feel good. So I then question it, but that's me being hard on myself. Why could I be a good guy? Why can't I change? I don't know. It's like, you can't transmit somewhere that you haven't got. You've got it. You've lived the hardship. So you can transmit it for some people that have never had hardship. It's like, we were doing the chat last week with Leanne Brown, and I kind of had to close things down and say, I'm going to tap into something now, Leanne. If I didn't see you ever struggling with anxiety or something, I wouldn't entertain you. I'd be like, why do I have to speak to this woman? But she has struggled. Influencers. The bigger I get, some of these influences are going to be in trouble. I'm going to be like, why the fuck are you claiming to be an influencer? What have you done? I believe an influencer. I believe you become an influencer because you didn't mean to become an influencer, but you've been through some kind of hard time, and you've got through it, and now you're able to transmit something that you've got to other people to give them hope. And show the tools and techniques why you changed. But you've got your struggles and you have your bad days because every morning you wake up, you have your mortar, you have your coffee, you're ready for the day, but some days you say, I feel fucked today, I don't work. I can't come on the show online. So how do you deal with that for anybody that's in the struggle? What advice would you give them? Reach out. Don't sit with it on your own. I've done shows and I've started the show thinking just to put on the bright face and then I've broke down on the show as well as you would have seen. I can't come on the show and lie and say, hey kids, everything's alright because sometimes, most of the time, it is now because I'm out there doing the next dry things. Don't lie, don't cheat. There's not many reasons why I should feel bad about myself but my disease wakes up before me and plants around all the bullshit into my thinking. Some mornings it will catch me out. Most mornings I get up, I'll say the same prayers, I'm not religious but I'm very spiritual now and I'll say please for the few things throughout the day, fall throughout the day. I'll have my coffee, I'll have no water and then I'll carry a message and sometimes doing it that way is not helping me. I'm busy cleaning every fucking else's windows, showing them how to do it and it was only the other day I had to sit and watch my own show on Instagram to watch and I had to listen as if I was another entity that's telling the world this and I thought, right, Dick, I took on your own suggestion. It's all on me fucking preaching it. You've got to practice what you preach. And I had to tell myself when you hear that in the fellowship to tell yourself what you're talking about to other people. So what I can sometimes find myself lost and then suicidal after nearly two years of sobriety. Life is, you cannot beat my life but it's my life, I've got the kids back, we live in a nice place, we drive a nice car, I've got a beautiful fucking girlfriend and now everything is sound but still I can wake up and that fuck has been up before now because it doesn't like my kids, my disease. It doesn't like them, it doesn't like friends and what it's constantly trying to do as you'll be aware it follows negative stuff into your thinking because it doesn't like you being happy and being successful because that's getting in the way of what it wants and it wants you on your own using, fixing, lying, cheating, manipulating. It's very difficult, no matter how well your life's going that's what people need to understand as well there's going to be obstacles, there's going to be speed bumps we're going to lose loved ones, we're going to relationships, we're going to break down, we could lose our job but it's about how we handle it if we're in a strong enough position to if we've been tested yet to go I'm going to hide again and I'm going to go fuck this I can't handle it because let's face it if you're abusing, whatever you're taking if you're addicted to anything let's be honest you're a loser you're hiding for the real world, you can't handle the real world and all these big bad boys out there who think it's cool to sit at parties they're insecure, they're lonely, they're in denial we've been there, we're no talk from books we've learnt the trades, we understand that I see it on social media all the time you know but I can sit there all day resenting people and fucking hating on him and hating on her I don't know why they're doing that because if you know I see big muscley guys with the big dogs and stuff and it's like that is just to show the world stay away from me because I'm a big scared up at the end of the day, I see right through that do you see a lot of yourself and all the time because I've got real life experience when somebody shot at me all and I'll play the game and it's like I know exactly what you're doing you try to manipulate the expert because I've been around and I'm happy to have that in life but I kind of leave it there as well I try not to live it in a resentful kind of way because all I ever did was hate on people jealous of people hated myself I had a chip on my shoulder if I did have a god my god hated me because it was always falling fucking bad shit to me it was just bull shit, it was just my thinking today life is good and I believe I was the person that was never gonna get it I was probably the most chaotic person you'd come across in like early 20s wasn't a nice person I'd have people's eyes out for fucking no reason just dropping steel people but there was always something there behind it and I never knew where it was I had accepted since many years ago when I accepted that I was a crazy man I was a sex addict I was a drug addict I was an alcoholic I accepted that for a long time until I found recovery and I started listening to people and a lot older than me they've been around for many years to say you wasn't well first out of my year that I was someone who was like to me I wasn't well you have a disease that centers in your mind and that's where you think the way you think and that's where you escape and your drug of choice is not food or vinegar or crack or women your drug of choice is more you want more of anything that takes you out you're thinking so I'll always have this more disease and I will always have it if I don't have something more in life I believe I'll go back to something that will give me instant gratification because I need gratification all the time to focus your energy on to something more positive but it's for people that's in this struggle you don't need to fucking live there you don't need to be addicted you don't need to hate life trust me I've been there there's no dispute now for people in the schemes for the bad places and they think a life of crime and a life of drugs stealing and lying is a life you can't change you can't bury a life you just take the reins of your life and go do you want more because if you ask people with simple questions and you have been 90% say no because they don't know what they've been so conditioned to think it's okay to accept that life you can't change you can't bury a life you're living proof that people can change and make the strives to want more like to say whether it's more drugs whatever but you're wanting more for your kids you want more for your girlfriend but it's a positive way you've channeled that no if we didn't give these shows what we did I don't promote people for no reason I promote you all the time and I'll continue to promote people that are doing the next type things that are influencers you're an influencer today people wake up and think I want to be an influencer today and then they work out a way of being an influencer and it doesn't work that way like you say you have to go through pain and misery now some people can go through that in life get clean and well and they keep it for themselves and they'll sit in that it makes them poorer I believe I'll only get to keep this recovery and this wellness as you say in the fellowships you only get to keep what you've got by giving it away I'll continue giving this away on the biggest platforms that I can get on for the rest of my life because if I start to pull away from this I start to become selfish I start giving it away and out in the other addicts give me 10 homeless guys and 10 soups giving them shit I'm with the homeless guys and I want to fucking fight to the death with my homeless they're my brothers and sisters and I'm very passionate about that I'd hate for somebody to insult someone on the streets or a drug addict in front of me because I've been there that's my family it's just that I had a skill around there I was half half could look in the lad I could manipulate women all my women in my life have been hostages so coming hostage so I can get about my business running business, having kids always having somebody there to fall upon if I didn't have that like a good mother I'd only be there with my mum on the streets because I had this disease I couldn't stop using for people that think that they can't do it I feel I'd get insulted when people say no, he's passed it in never going to get it you can't say that about anyone I was never going to get this I've seen them walk in the rooms with nothing not fucking pots of piss in nothing read it to kill the cells and then I see some happen over weeks see it in their eyes they start because they get a connection with them because he's other people I could say he's a way out here I'm one of them he's not enough when they say it's a traction rather than a promotion press radio on the phone you can't talk about anonymity I'm like I can't tell them to fuck off if you question me I say where does it say in the literature I cannot promote the fellowships of A, A, N, A and C, A people need to be on their hands and knees to come and say a lot of people on their hands and knees to give up the call to kill themselves why can we not give up and recover it before people need it exactly spark the light to show that we're all struggling we've all got problems get them young, schools, schooling immense social media has taken over as well when you talk about influencers there's Instagram influencers, there's Facebook influencers but it's maybe a girl standing in bikinis making her look like a girl self-conscious you can wonder influence a drink and drink drive and do bad things so look who is influencing you make sure it's the right people to understand life, to understand that anybody can change, anybody can better life and know these fake fucking profiles and fake Instagram photos that are all fixed up, make people look pretty those great life cars and jewelry and that ain't what it's all about because you're chasing an illusion we've probably had it all and we fucked it because we still weren't happy it's to search deep and be honest it's a proven fact today kids aren't picking up the drink and the drugs, it's a massive percent the ass has dropped out of drugs and alcohol to be honest with our younger generation but they picked up a bunch of drugs now they picked up self-obsession and it's massive I could see things like Love Island and think that they can have these chiseled out bodies by going on shows it's not the fucking case it's like people are struggling like us I can remember going on social media and looking thinking why is everyone else's life so fucking great and mine's not the truth of it all is it's not great for anyone we all go through the bad times and it's all what we put on I can put on a pretty face my life is brilliant I've done that swim last year I got on the podium you might even know I put it on Instagram I've only turned up to that and won this event and everyone I couldn't fucking bother about it in the middle of it but everybody believed what I told him and it did get out of control when I had to tell my mum like two weeks later I didn't really look amazing but it's easy we can do that people struggle they're going through bad times but then they see that that's all right because they think all right their life is good but then they need something like us and I believe we can say things by the likes of us I can honestly say that under now we're doing what we do for the right reasons because we've been through hardship we've been through pain and misery and now we're able to tell our story in a hope and carry a message that there's a way out a lot of these kids today the top percent of men's death under the age of 40 in Britain is superside because they don't know way out there's not enough of us aren't there there's not enough of this being promoted like listen say you brought 10 kids in there and you'd have like me and you talking to them or two 60-year-olds out of age talking to them full attention on us because we're still young we're still they're not going to listen to that and what I try to say now if you've got this kind of story and you can tap into these young kids today and that's what I say because it's cool it's not cool to get on the fist now kids and I tell you what I used to do when I used to fuck him and I couldn't stop I used to do this, so you boys and you girls you would not last two minutes with me in a fucking crack house you'd be in fucking trouble because that ticked from you and sometimes they need that kind of thing showing to them it all looks pretty on social media it also does on champagne, fathoms and smart cards it's sociable acceptable the majority of people do dabble on the channel and they think it's cool all these girls are enough to sit at parties for 2-3 days these girls think it's sexy there's something where they're saying fucking pants on for 3 days these guys have only got one vision in fact I just, I want to fuck something that's that exactly because the big cutters of the party sniff in and we're like the pie piper we have a big bag of cogs, I can't big bag of flu and the little rats are bothering us and even the girls today they lose their self-respects and it's like I try to say that to the girls in the schools as well don't disrespect yourselves and go out to these animals because that's what we are at the end of the day when we're using drugs and then become the animals like predators we want one thing, we want to be fucking all night and that's the truth of it all but there's not enough truth out there so I'm hoping the film that we start start next week let's go on about the film the film is we can thank my disease for this film again the director Chris Green will be playing a part in one of his films he won't mind me speaking openly and honestly about it because he knows my reach I'm reaching a couple of million a month off just the shini show around the world so he's seeing that I thought well I could maybe promote my film jump on it as well he's like alright Chris, get me a part in it and as quick as I've said that to him my disease was only like that what about your film we've got a film in and it escalated from there so as I left Chris he didn't know this for weeks my head was only thinking I've got a book on my life so I keep sparting about recovery I believe the novelty will work often less we suffer by a game in ways you know the shini show is not going to die but it's like how many times can I ask people to fucking press like and share and share this on the world now I believe a position to create a film that can be done in a way that no one's done it before obviously because it's my film but it might be so and then be brutally honest you know there's going to be a lot of I have a son, I have a daughter there's been talk about that Donovan's mild relationship with him is amazing there's going to be things in the film my kids aren't going to like and my family aren't going to like to see but I believe you said something to me once and I've kept hold of that it'd be about a year ago or something I think this is your calling and when you said that you stuck with me and I thought is this my calling what has my life been like for selfish reasons my careers and all that bullshit but right now I think I've got summer and this feels like a calling but it also feels like a duty now this is my duty to carry this message because I'm able to give it the world I don't know what when you say if you helped save one person you've done a great I'm like fuck and that's all I want from the film is to be an honest film and to show a progression of a child and how it progressed and I want people to look at the film and think he's fucking doing it the beginning of the film is going to be me in a crack house off my head no clothes on doing some crazy ass shit well I know half of the population that use drugs will be like fuck you now I do this beeping through a litter box he's tossing me fucking brains out all that shit needs to come out because he can look at and think why am I doing it maybe I'm wrong it'll answer so many questions and I believe the film if it's done I can break the stigma of addiction massively which can help but there's still suffering out there and it won't be looked upon like I looked up on my dad I fucking hated him he was an alcoholic he'd be abandoned me and my sister I didn't know he had a killer disease living in his sinking and even his behaviours I started to act like him through me using it I'd get so aggressive I'd just end up being him Did you ever blame yourself for that for your father and the hating did you ever my mum's old mate he got rid of him he was a selfish man he was just me took the coat me and my sister became an obstruction to him he loved my mum when me and my sister was born I know what mum was like a mother's love my mum was love for me unconditional that's all she done he didn't like me he was getting attention he didn't like what he done so she got rid of him I forgive him in any meeting in Manchester I think it was that one of those meetings where you speak like I'm doing a share because in certain meetings you do let a hang me it's like you stand up when you speak to everybody but when you stand up I've got addiction problems I've done this to forget what they call it a mindset that might be when you get everything out everything from your youth from when you were born that's what I put into my mindset but there might be something else like another kind of programme forgiveness is a big part of life a lot of people hate it and they hold on to that they hate the blame and they can understand it but holding on to that is just going to make you unwell it lies the secrets it will keep you sick unless you get them out and if you keep them in you do things to block them out there's that void you build up in that void all the stuff that you're doing as well it's fairly pure for yourself when you speak it's fairly pure for you when I go to meetings there's certain things I'll talk about in the meetings that I will not there speak about on social media because that's this is stuff to encourage other men women to come forward and I believe I've attended these meetings for many years now and I'm always open and honest about everything my sexuality being an abuser to women and men I get respected by women now and I love women at the meetings I respect some strong women I didn't like because I couldn't manipulate the strong women today my daughter's a woman my mum's a woman I will never lay a finger on a woman's edit again but in my madness it didn't matter I never felt I was doing I felt guilty for the harms I brought upon men I'm winning but I just thought I was just making I'm just a mad bastard and that's what mad people do but firstly if I'm being completely honest and changing your life making films I know you try to get the homeless song as well that's for those that when I seen what you've done there and I was explaining to Paul before someone had mentioned your name to me someone in Scotland doing like a similar thing to you and like he said to me I usually dismiss that and I mum on my own shit but I clits on you he's doing alright and I got into what he was doing and that blew me away out on the streets and I said to Paul before Paul's the camera guy by the way I said give it a couple of days on the streets something you've been camping so I'm fuck this now I need to get back out I said what a full week you must have been testing, challenged but that in your head was fine for me as well though because there was a kingdom calling to say I'm going to do this first night it was the worst I'm going to quit and fuck that's what am I doing this Christmas but then I'm thinking I'm doing this for the greater good and what I was doing was going to change lives that's not going to change one life that's going to change masses because people are going to understand how tough it is to be homeless people are going to understand anybody can be homeless people are going to understand we're all human beings we're not going to be a junkie, we're not going to be a fucking homeless we're not going to be a billionaire we're all connected everybody's got the same 24 hours in a day the homeless man's got 24 hours in a day so as the billionaire it's how to use that 24 hours to change your life those man and the child in that documentary 32 year old smart and heroine smart and mezzodone I think we brought him into the video actually yeah see what you've done there because obviously you know these sales and I see you the same as me you've got the same kind of debt this is why I do this kind of stuff we're the most sensitive people on the planet that's why we used in the fucking first place we don't like these feelings we feel sorry for people so today we still feel sorry for people but then what do we do we channel our energy then well let's try and help these people what can we do and I think there's going to be a chain reaction soon I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon like the homelessness there's a few years behind this yet is some of me to give on it everything's a mindset I think it takes that spark to for everything to snowball and people like myself it's sinking in this city things happen for a reason we're sitting here for a reason we've spoke for a while now but we're here we're making moves actions too louder than words we're not just saying it but I've still got a family I've still got a house to run I'm trying to run this business to take it to new heights and show people I'm from a fucking rough area I'm telling a story guys like yourself we're being honest and changing lives it's not just about I don't glamortise anybody even when gangsters come on much I don't glamortise these people people saying why are you giving them a platform because they've got a story to tell why did they turn into a way they turned in anger, frustration, you tend to go back maybe their dads were abusive their mums were abusive, alcoholics or maybe they were bullied everything stems from everything has an action we're changing that and always say your brain's like a computer you can rewire it to become the person that you want to become you see it or it's cheesy motivational stuff, you are the same you are the director of your own film you can write those pages down forget about the past and it's difficult because I still think I'm still insecure, I'm still sensitive if I start speaking to girls I'm not good enough I'm scared to get hurt so I push them away because I'm scared everything I'm doing, I become the old James I get insecure, she's out or why is she out, she's away something dickard and I start thinking crazy shit and nothing like that what I had to learn to do was let go and let go we are not in the book again he talks about the director of our own film the actor that wants to do the scene and he's doing it all running around like a mad bastard he's just everything collapsing every time and I've argued with the likes of I I can slag those people a lot and say that spiritual fucker all he does is talk about spirituality and he never talks about disease and my disease is my disease and I've questioned so many things in the recovery and I've shot myself in the foot like I'm never going to find a girl again I'm never going to be affect because I've got this disease and I'm always going to want more I'm never going to get a spiritual I'm never going to get calm but the more I started to listen to people that I've been around a lot longer than me I'm listening now thinking because I say it's just not your time to be all serene it's not your time but it is there it will come you will get more humble you will start to meditate and you will find love again last year I was hurt that was my test that was like I'm going to kill myself or I'm going to use again and by the power of fucking people helping them answering phones at crazy times and I've lost my fucking head if it wasn't for them people I wouldn't be here I believe if I I have an healthy fear if I relapse today my ego is too big to come back on the show and say I've relapsed I've got an healthy fear if I relapsed a lot of people won't fucking relapse on the back of what I'm doing because I didn't want to share there becomes a lot more pressure on myself a lot of homelessness I've got a lot of people who are suicidal who have got drink addictions, drug addictions so you become a wee light but people see the effect and I was super the fucking phones were just kicking off so I'm bad for having a dick out I'm bad for taking the clothes off fuck all that butt what happens is you touch down it there that listening is more important than talking because if you're listening you're learning something that you don't know because everybody knows something that we don't you know something that I don't know and everybody's the same so I was always this is the talk talk listening to how people are feeling getting a better understanding what is it they're actually saying because everybody's got a message and what they're saying everybody's simple things when they say put out your days and put it in your mouth and I get that we have to listen to people that have been there before people that can influence our lives in a massive way and if you are going to fucking talk when I was first around I wasn't talking about recovering this because I didn't know I knew fuck off, I still know fuck off but I did do ask questions all the time when I opened my mouth but what about this but what about that I did ask the questions that if you're struggling about anything in life anxiety, depression, alcoholism, drug addiction eating disorders you're having too much sex with too many women or you're training too much and if you can't ask anyone we've all got a device that every one of us on this planet earlier have got and it's called a phone and you can Google some of like what is it the TEDx anxiety but I get a lot of inboxes I've even contemplated for if I post it all imagine how much gratification I get because you've helped save my life but I've quickly learned that's fitting here sort of self-seeking and it's everything that I fucking preach about don't be doing that but in the messages I try to reply in the best way I can and I'm not getting into a discussion I'll just say YouTube what your problem is and have a listen and educate yourself in that field the only way I'm doing so well in recovery is because I've sat and I've educated myself in the field of recovery because I sit on a listen by people that have been around a long time in this field the 12 step program AA I've done it that way but then I needed more that wasn't enough I needed the NA way because I did it with TED brutally it rips everything out here and you've got to be careful what you wish for everything out of me that fucking green and gold book but I educated today I'm educated in the field of alcoholism I know what the fucking things been up to all these years and I believe that's the same for anything anxiety, depression all them things I've spoke about eating disorders get off social media for 10 minutes if you can I struggle with that and then just research for yourself I'm struggling with anxiety I'm shy about ringing and asking someone or attending groups then things that we've got there we can call them a burden but you know what they can be used for fucking good use, can save lives for anybody in the struggle to know it doesn't frighten us are we out maybe too embarrassed or too ashamed too much pride to come forward what advice would you give them because there's a way out I don't give a fuck what anybody says he could bring anybody to me if he's a human being or she they've got a chance you've still got more to give definitely they just hold there for him because I've seen his miracles happen but it's not I wish I had a magic wand I wish I had a magic cape where I could swoop down on the fucking planet and give it the world recovery and spew it out once or more but that's not the case the individual wants it enough there's a way out but we can't lead you can only lead a horse to walk you can't make the horse drink the walk same as if the individual wants it bad enough there's a way out of course there is they need to try and identify with the problems in the situation understand ask yourself the question are you happy if you're not happy then do the things a lot of people are scared to make change a lot of people get friends for 20, 30, 40 years that they maybe think they're let named down but it's a lonely journey changing as well nobody's come to fucking save you and say this is the way to do it you need to do it yourself you need to take that first step to better your life your living proof including myself that it can be done, you can change that first day, that first week then that first month you start realising when I get relapsed when I was off it for nearly two years and then I relapsed I ended up fucking it for nearly a year but then I realised how good it felt when I was off it my life was good, I was seeing my kids but I'm off it, I do big friends but you get scared, fear creeps in you don't deserve this fuck it, lines out and then before you're not your line in a crack then it's not coincidence when you start doing good things in life good things happen when you start helping people good things happen again it's calmer you call it calmer, I like to believe it there's something that watches all each of it personal, higher power people call it God, I just call it an higher power believe it's an energy you are what you throw out there it comes back to you, if you're throwing out hate and misery and resentment on other people you're just going to be well but these are different if you brought a 12 step programme into schools tomorrow in ten years time we would have a fucking population of real kids out there it's just that they don't know what's happening to them because they're programmed by them they're programmed to sit at a desk there's not really much individuality or creativity but we don't use it because we're sitting at a desk they're studying our history talking about these wars that's just the way it is if they brought in yoga to schools some schools are doing it breathing exercises money management how to handle death breathing hard I'm on a drink party time because I want to forget I can't face the fact that you're dead so I'll be the big man, I'll take all the drugs in the world to normal with the pain that's not promoted I'll do what you get on you need to get a balance in your life it's like a fucking show what a balance means or you need to snap out of this when you're on well and you're not feeling good I've suffered with depression from a very early age and anxiety today exercises helped you a lot though massive that's why I tried from all this you know I can again I can't curse the fellowship because it helps save my life recovery and 12 step programs the addiction in the south did a great addiction to be involved in if you are the addict of art out the hopeless side we need to be addicted to summer and that addictiveness is like helping others doing service in the field but what I argue against that is we come away from being a slave to a substance or a drink or a way of life out there you allow us to become a slave to something else again now recovery first and foremost we need as addicts in life but then what about the addams that don't get promoted so I like to, because I'm a current I like to have a go at people that I think are not doing good in the world I'll argue and say but what about this addon about exercise what about success we need all the glittery things in life it's all for in here and I get that but then it's like you kind of took away from life then and then you caught up in another bubble another form of addiction so what I say is if you're an addict you get recovery you stick recovery but then it's addons in life and this is I'm listening to people that are sweating in 30 years so with that speaking to me on a regular basis and saying these are addons don't forget you do not promote just exercising this field for the addons because you will pick up again and I get that so try recovery first success being nice helping others, being a good friend all them good things and all the addictions really so just transfer your addictions but make sure you fucking stick with the main one people have to come and train with me from meetings all the time first I'll say we will eventually train but you need to see doing this work first then we'll do the gym how do we get on with the negative comments because I get them as well I get them all the time I want to go I want to kill seriously I'm in the inbox there's my number fucking phone me and it's there I used to be because I'm no born man from him but the more successful I'm becoming the more comments I'm getting thousands every week and you've got assholes but then you kind of dare get used to it you realise like wait a minute I'm getting used to it now I'm thinking fuck this time we're going to do this anymore or I'm in the next one number 4 me, let's meet go for a square boy you done it I was doing it the way you're saying you know like having jobs like say I mean yeah you look basically where you're at this time you fall far between it's going to be hard work for you and I found myself and then what I done I quickly learnt from attending regular meetings listen the hated bastard I'm just going to love you tell you love yourself and that sparks me off on the show now everyone always says tell him Shane love him to love the self and most of the time what I'll do I'll say for you to come on the show and fucking hate me when I'm trying to help people with anxiety depression and all them things for you to come on here and be like that and now a question that I'll say I reckon you must have a fucking debate problem too so here's what I'm going to do I'm going to love you tell you love yourself and I'm going to offer you my hand 10 times out of 10 I can vision of my own thinking I don't go alright I'm sorry I didn't realise what the show is about bang right there's mine there's my welcome to the shinny show live we don't hate on here if you want to come on with hate and what I've started doing as well just block them and say give me a few more give a kick carry on or you're going to be alright and joining if you struggled ever I may talk my hands out so I'll try and become like a bit of her and it's the same again I'm thinking I'm getting holds because I'm not biting but sometimes I can bite but that's just the egos being dented that's the old characters kicking in but the ones that have put me negative comments that would probably not have been us 10, 15 years ago just being a wanker you're going to get it and that's for people to get a better understanding people are unwell themselves so that's just a deflection image I'm going to try and bring you down because I'm unhappy and it's to be accepted to them and sending them loving saying I'm going to love you but it's learning that I had to learn that you're dead I want no way you live you're living well I'm going to drive that and you know what my old madness will be like let's locate this let's go make an example okay crazy stupid shit today it's different because it's like listen that's what I'm learning really big time because I'm starting to understand and that's everything I'm promoting fucking practice what you preach don't get annoyed don't get agitated about the pens because my mid swings are up and down as well you do a lot on here with a podcast I've been doing this for years now but I've had these comments I've kind of learnt by loads a bit like biting into it and all I had to do was like I'm just going to love you till yourself because everyone was loving me for being that way no one liked me for being a cwnton I gave them back but I picked upon the love and I thought I want to transfer this one I want to love you till you love yourself because you've never had all them comments of a time I've kind of learnt to roll with them so I'm just going to block you if you carry on now I've made it into a bit of a positive but you need to do more like I told you need to start out with yourself but with it what's the plans for the future then the film the management see something now where we're doing these episodes travelling meeting people probably one of the best shows I've done was only really weak with Scott McInnell if from Coventry I was a full blown three and a half decades addict like no other one of the most chaotic people I ever met when I first met him and I want to do more of that I understand that I have to do the the flutic is in the celebrities course we have to pull because then we're going to get out we're going to get out then we're playing the game we're still creating business in Coventry I want to be number one that's not a bad thing to be successful I understand that much more than what's fake and help people getting stuff across where can people watch your film the first trailer we start filming over the next few weeks so we're making a trailer not a promotional video this is going to be like a four minute flash impact where we want the viewers because there's a platform waiting for another we've got a world audience of Australia New Zealand watching the show everybody's going to watch this film from recovery so we're doing it in a certain way where they see that way where they've got to watch this film so it'll go from the trailer we'll go to Netflix, Amazon we're confident we'll get the platform and it needs people we don't believe we're going to need that there's going to be festivals and stuff but we believe, my idea believes my disease it's got a possibility of being a box office mover the bigger this gets out there the more opportunity we get to them and then it becomes like an educational mover so in the chaos in the midst of all that there's going to be a constant story of the disease of addiction why I've done all these things and it'll be a noise in the film like a humming sound like Jaws there but not as such but to say this is that disease he's on about again he's on him again this is why I behave like that in the film and you know like the film is for me all I have to say on my shows you've got any questions now watch the film all the answers are in there because there's only so many years I'll be able to continue spouting this off I believe I'll go to another level which is fine but where I'm at now it's becoming a bit same a bit stagnant when I'm writing this message it needs to be and I believe the biggest way of doing it is putting it on a fucking film and I like the film because we're all watching school one of the most famous films ever I believe this film could be the next big thing schools, cities, prisons people who change their life I hope people watch our show Facebook, Instagram well yeah the Instagram is Shinnish All Live and then the only thing that's different is the page that I do the live shows on and that's just Shinnah who kept it simple SHI, double NY YouTube get to it if you want that's at James, Shinnie Davenport these loads of things if you are listening it's the app you can download the app to your own screens on your phones that's shinnishalllive.uk so these are loads of things amazing brother listen can I just ask one thing as well thank you James next big thing is to take this show to be number one in the UK bigger platform bigger people I love speaking to people, I love to get who they are and an understanding I'm starting to understand people more the biggest podcast platform in the UK the plan is to become number one in Scotland which I am now just under a year I'm confident in myself it's an addiction but you've still got to have vision we've got to have dreams, we've got to have progression next big thing is to take the UK I believe in my confidence, I believe in the camera and I believe I can bring people their best self people become honest I believe I've got a gift where people can relax people forget the cameras are there and I don't glorify people this is my spiritual message to show people that we all make mistakes people can change and everybody's come on people have changed I think this will be your calling James yes listen to my podcast on YouTube just type in James English iTunes, again James English anything goes, podbean Instagram James English, Facebook James English it's all there for you to go and see him on but it's been an absolute pleasure and what you're doing with your life is absolutely phenomenal you're a good soul to appreciate being a good friend thanks for having me, cheers James can't wait mate, everything goes out, thank you down