 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Fay show. The only enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Fay show transcribed. Written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Roos and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. First a word from RCA Victor. You can tune in the world on RCA Victor's new portable radio, The Stratow World. This is BBC London. This is Tokyo calling. Whether the radio station you want is across the globe or across town, it comes in clear and strong on The Stratow World. This seven band AM shortwave portable radio has electrical band spread tuning. It automatically separates foreign stations on the dial, so you can tune them in like local radio stations. And you get wonderful reception even in difficult areas, for The Stratow World has three antennas. One for standard broadcast, one for shortwave, and a special window antenna for use in planes and trains. No wonder it's standard equipment for seasoned diplomats and world travelers. See and hear The Stratow World, one of many dependable table models, clock radios and portables by RCA Victor, world leader in radio. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Fay and Phil Harris. A lot of thought and planning went into the building of Phil Harris's home in Encino, California. The architect provided for everyone in the family. There's a roomy, sunlit kitchen for Alice, the housewife. The sewing room for the youngest daughter, Phyllis. A music room for the older daughter, Alice. And then there's a playroom where any child can amuse itself for hours. The child's room is where we now find Phil Harris. Gee, this is the longest morning I've ever put in. I don't know what to do next. I finished building the fairs wheel with my erector set, and I tried out my new toy wood burning outfit. Gee, it burns real good. But I'd sure like to find out who filled the water tank on my toy fire engine with lighter fluid. Lucky I had something handy to smother the fire with. I wonder if Alice will miss her mink coat. Boy, I thought that coat would never stop smoldering. This room smells like somebody had been smoking a golfer without a filter. Oh, what a boring day. I just don't... Hey, I know what I'll do. I'll try my Australian boomerang again. Maybe today I can make it come back to me. Oh, here you are, Phil. I've been looking all... What is that? I don't smell anything. You don't? Well, I do. It's the most peculiar thing I ever smelled. What is it? Oh, that. It's coming from the basement. The gardener's boiling his corduroy pants. Now, stand back a little, Alice. I'm just about to try out my Australian boomerang again. Please don't, Phil. You don't know how to throw that thing. Oh, I don't, huh? Just watch this. Open the door. Now then, I'm going to throw it over in the Jones' backyard, curve it around that big maple tree, and it will glide right back here into my hand. Here it goes. My place to put a greenhouse. That takes care of the good neighbor policy. Now listen to me, Phil. You've wasted enough time around here, all this complaining about the band not getting work. Why don't you go out and canvas a few hotels and cafes and rustle up some work? Once I can't go out on a day like this, look out the window there. I've never seen such rain. Look. Wasn't raining a minute ago? Well, that's California, Alice, those directional storms. You know yourself, but it'd be downright silly to go out looking for work on a day like this. Well, I wouldn't want you to catch a cold. Well, I know that, Alice, but look, tomorrow's bound to be a nice day, and then I'll really try to land something for the band. Okay, Phil. I'll be in the kitchen if you want me. Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky. Stormy weather. Hi, Curly. How'd it go? Well, hey, when Alice thought it was raining, she said I didn't have to go out and look for no job. I gotta hand it to you, Curly. You're a genius. Who else would have thought of having me go up on the roof with a garden hose? Oh, I can't take all the credit, Elliot. You did a very realistic job with that rain. See, thanks, Curly. Next time I'll take a bass drum up there with me and give you a little thunder with it. Hey, Curly. What's that smell in here? Oh, that's nothing. The gardener's boiling these corduroy pants. That's all. He's boiling these pants. I think they need a little more salt. Look, Elliot, what are we going to do about this work situation? Where me? Look, if I don't get some work for the band, Alice is going to insist that I go out and take any kind of a job. Now, she already said so. Ah, women are all alike. Forget about that, Curly. Let's practice on our kazoo. Okay, Elliot, hold it a minute. Wait a minute, will you? What's the matter with you? Look, what I'm trying to tell you is serious. Alice is closing in on me and I'm going to have to go to work. And you do, do, do. What is this? Well, why have to go to work, Curly? Don't she realize how valuable you are around the house? You're a real handyman. When we had that big wind that blew the television aerial off the house, who went up and fixed it? An expert technician, thanks to my RCA Victor Factory Service contract. Okay, but when the water pipes burst that time, who fixed those? The kid next door. All right, but who makes the cement carried the bricks and built the barbecue? Alice. Well, let's practice our kazoo. Will you hold the man? All right, I'd hold it. Curly, you're getting a little panicky about this job thing and it's also pointless. Remember those famous words. Nobody has to work for a living if they really put their mind to it. Who said that? My brother, Charlie. No kidding. He's stuck to it. Yeah, Charlie was out of work so long, my mother finally made a floor lamp out of him. Of course he had a nice glow to begin with. Stop with all of that. I just wish that I could figure out some way to make a lot of money. Curly, I think there are lots of... Oh, hi, Julius. Hello, Julius. Put the groceries in the kitchen and beat it, get lost. Mr. Lewis and I are busy figuring something out. Oh, you got fortune, Mr. Harris. Julius, I told you to forget that. What project was that, Julius? Rubber shorts? Your girlfriend could catch you on the first bounce. Oh, you two guys are really funny. It's great. Just go ahead and laugh. But don't forget they laughed at Priscilla Yale when she invented the Yale Lock. Wait a minute. I didn't know that a girl invented the Yale Lock. She had to. She was living at the YWCA in San Pedro and the fleet was in. There ain't no use for me to try to invent nothing new because everything has been thought of already. What are you talking about? Proposition for you. Eumann colt? Yeah, yeah, I was afraid of that. Back up a minute, kid. Hold it a minute. $14.75. This is the price for an Eumann colt? Yeah, real Eumann fur, but it looks almost like it's nice to a shower curtain. What a wonderful idea how you can make some money. Do you realize animal trainers get $200 a day every day their trained animal is appearing in a movie? How are you talking about? I am talking about Herman, your Saint Bernard dog. All you have to do is train him a little bit then sit back and let the money roll in. Elliott, of all the ideas you've ever had, now that's the greatest. Now see, that makes good sense because Herman is one of the smartest dogs I've ever seen. Hey, look at him. Just look out there. Look at him laying out there in the front yard. Two hundred and ten pounds of brawn and brain. Hey, watch this, Elliott. Hey, Herman! Yeah, boy. Hey, come here, Herman. Hey, come here. That's right. That's right. Come to daddy. Gee, I forgot he was chained to the garage. The preacher went out walking to his own one Sunday morning. It was against his religion, but he took his gun along. He shot himself some mighty fine quail in one little measly hair. But on his way returning home he met a great big grizzly bear. Now the bear got down in the middle of the road on all fours like a great big toad. He looked at preacher right square nine. The preacher looked at him and said bye-bye. The preacher got up, took out the run. The bear right after that preacher didn't come. And he run, and he run for five a mile. And the preacher sat down and rested a while. The preacher got up, started again. Bear right after him with more of him. And he ran, and he ran till he spotted the preacher. Upon the limb was the place for me. The bear reached up, made a grab for him. The preacher leaped down, he laid the limb, pulled himself up, cast his eyes in the skies. And he did shout, Oh Lord, you deliver Daniel from the lion's den. All souls deliver Jonah from the belly of the whale and then. The Hebrew children with the pirate's furnace of the good book do declare, Oh Lord, if you can't help me for good and sake don't help that thou. Just about then that limb gave way. And the preacher come tumbling down. Reached his pocket full his razor out just before he hit the ground. He hit the ground with an awful bang. It was a terrible sight. That preacher, the bear with the razor, his hair just to cut and left him right. But it rolled around on the ground. The preacher was up, and then he was down. The bear let out an awful moan. And looked back, the preacher was holding his own. He said, if I get out of here alive for that good book, I will abide. I'll never sin on Sabbath day. And Sunday come I'll pray and pray into the heavens. He did glance and said, Lord, just give me one more chance. Then his suspenders gave away. And he knocked that bat ten feet away. The preacher got up, made the bound to the tree. Where he'd be safe and sound, pulled himself up and turned about, cast his eyes to the skies. And he did shout, Oh Lord, you deliver daddy from the wild. And also deliver Jonah from the belly of the whaling man. The Hebrew children of the pirates furnished with a good book to declare now lives in law. If you can't help me for good and sakes, don't help that man. I'm glad they had a book on dog training at the library. Yeah, well, we got it. Now look, Elliot, I want you to read it to me. And then I'll put Herman through the tricks. That's ought to be a sense with you with the book. And we've got this smart dog like Herman. Oh yeah, read it. Okay, chapter one. Take some old newspapers and spread them all over the floor. Wait a minute, no, no. Herman's older than that. Hey, wait a minute, I got it. Why don't we start off by teaching him something simple like, Hey, I know. I'll teach him to lie down on command. Yeah, that's good. Now Herman. Now look Herman, I'm giving you one command and one command only. Now, lie down. Herman, lie down. Herman, down, down. Surely he ain't moving. Wait a minute, I'll fix that. Herman, here Herman, there. Now down. Lie down. Hurley, he did it, he did it. What'd you give him? A meatball with a brandy center. Herman, now look, you disobeyed me and it serves you right. Now you're going in that closet to stay till you know how to behave. Get in there. I hated to do it to him, but he has to learn. Now look, I'm sorry Herman, but you got to stay in that closet and think it over for a while. Maybe we're approaching this dog training all wrong. I believe in kindness, first of all, but look at lion tamers. They get results by scaring the animals with a loud noise like a gunshot or cracking a big whip. Whip, hey, wait a minute. That might be worth trying, and I got a big bull whip that Andy Devine gave me. His great-grandfather used to use it on a mule train. It's hanging right there in the hallway. Wait a minute, I'll get it. Yeah, now wait a minute, here it is. I'll just see if I can still crack it. Yeah, that's great, Curly. That ought to scare Herman. Man, this whip really makes a noise, don't it? Hey, Elliott, stand back and I'll show you how I'm going to use this whip. Hi, up there. Hey you, hey, hey, up there, up there. What happened, son? Can Eric get out of his cage again? Oh, hello, Dad. No, no, I was just thinking of training Herman to be a trick dog. Yeah, Curly figures we might be able to get him in the movies. Make some money. Man, there's always money in the show business. I made a living out of it for years. Started out with an animal act. Yeah, right Dad, I didn't know that. I knew you were with menstrual shows and vaudeville and everything else, but you never told me about being in an animal act. Well, it wasn't exactly a real animal. My partner and I got into one of those horse suits. Oh, yeah, I've seen those horse acts. One man is one end of the horse and the other man's the other. That's right. Dad, which end were you? The end, it had to take it for granted where we were going. Dad, that's real interesting. Whatever happened to you and your partner? Oh, I don't know. The horse suit started unraveling and after that we sort of drifted apart. Well, that's show business for you. One day you're up and the next day you're... No, I didn't know Alice was home. And I remember one time we were playing the Warfield Theatre in San Francisco and she's singing better every day. Dad, we were figuring if we could get a St. Bernard like Herman trained, that would really be something. Well, I think you're right, son. Novelty acts always go over big. I remember your Aunt Gladys. She had a wonderful act. Yeah, but wasn't Aunt Gladys the bearded lady with the circus? That's right, son. She had a long black beard reached from her chin, clear down to her knees. Later on, she became a Stiptease dancer. What? Well, she didn't exactly do a Stiptease. She just used to walk out on the runway and start to shave. Sounds like a great act. Yeah, I can still hear those savers in the balcony yelling, Hey Gladys, how you fix for Blaze? Yeah. Gee, Wiz, what a performer. You don't see acts like that anymore. Not unless you got a good seat in the patrol wagon. Well, nice to see you boys again. Goodbye, Dad. Don't forget you're coming over for dinner next week. That's right. Well, I guess I'd better be... They don't write songs like they used to. Well, let's get back to the training, Curly, if we're going to make any loot. Okay. Hey, here's something we missed. No one has ever trained an animal successfully without first learning to think as the animal does. Put yourself in the dog's place, it said. In other words, what would you do if you were a dog? Well, that's the key to the whole thing. That makes it so simple. Yeah. What would you do if you were a dog? Yeah. What would you do if you were a dog? Oh, gee, it's comfortable lying here on the front lawn. Boy, am I happy. I don't know why they call this a dog's life. I'm glad I'm a dog. I wouldn't be a people for anything. And I'm glad that I'm the kind of a dog I am, too. I couldn't have been anything else with my wavy golden curls, my lovely blue eyes. I had to be a pomeranian. Oh, here comes that new dog that just moved into the neighborhood. He's sticking his head through the fence. Hello. Hello. I'm a pomeranian. What kind of a dog are you? I'm a mixture. I'm French poodle, Australian sheepdog, Scotch terrier, German dox hunt, English wolfhound, Irish beagle, and Japanese spaniel. Mother was overseas with the USO. Well, welcome to our neighborhood. I know that you're just... Uh-oh, I gotta go now. I'm being paid. See, that's my mistress. See you tomorrow. Okay, so long. Oh, there's my precious little doggie now. Come on up here in mommy's lap. Oh, I could just hug you to death. Did you like that? What about little poopsie-whoopsie? They tell me that you bit the mailman on the legs. Don't you know that's not... You wouldn't bite me on the legs. Only a dog could say no to that. What's the matter, Alice? What's the matter? Come and take a look at the living room. While you and Elliot were sleeping, that dog, Herman, has wrecked everything in the place. Well, Alice, we just dozed off for a minute. See, we were training Herman. Training him? Now listen to me, Phil Harris. That dog, Herman, goes. And right now. Well, you listen to me, Alice Faye. Anybody who doesn't like my dog doesn't like me. If that dog goes, I go with him. Is that so? Yes, and I beg you to remember, Alice, I'm a stubborn man. Now we've had arguments like this before, and I have never lost one yet. Curly, there are times when I can get a real inspiration. From your courage. In that argument with Alice, you were magnificent. Oh, I wasn't so great. I just did what any red-blooded man would do. Elliot, if you ever get married, you've got to remember that when these arguments come up, you've got to nip them in the bud. You've got to let them know who's boss. Well, you certainly did just that. Thank you. Herman, put your paw over that knot hole. There's a draft in this doghouse. We'll be back in just a moment. Hey, Elliot, what does 21 inch, 24 inch, and 27 inch make you think about? No idea. Come on now, guess. 21, 24, and 27 inches? Yeah. Got it. Tilt, that happens to be the wrong answer. I goofed, huh? Now look, try again this time for your job. I know. Those are sizes of new RCA Victor TV sets. And now you're talking. And by mere chance, I happen to know that these big giant screen RCA Victor sets are now at the lowest prices in RCA Victor history. Isn't that right, Bill Foreman? You're right as rain, Phil. And no matter what size RCA Victor you choose, you can count on vivid, brilliant detail over the entire surface of the screen. Because every new RCA Victor brings you the important TV advances. Advances like the famous magic monitor circuit system, golden throat fidelity sound, and automatic tuning. And yet, prices for 21, 24, and 27 inch TV are the lowest in RCA Victor history. See them at your dealers now. And remember, a factory service contract for expert installation and maintenance is available in almost all TV areas, only to RCA Victor television owners. This is Phil again. Thanks, ladies and gentlemen, we're a little late. So, good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribe are Viola Vaughn, Pinto Kovig, and Dick LeGrand. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC radio network presentation. That's the brilliant climax from Ravel's Bolero, as played in RCA Victor's 45 EP New Orthophonic High Fidelity Album by the Boston Pops Orchestra. Here, the complete Bolero plus a Gershwin medley from Porgy and Bess. In RCA Victor's wonderful new Boston Pops extended play record for only $1.58. That's your dealers now. Here, can you top this following John Cameron Swayze and the news on the NBC radio network.