 Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Masters of Disaster. Today's episode is about the absolute cringeworthy piece of puzzling garbage tough guys don't dance. Now let's get into it. Norman Mailer was a prolific writer and who was born in the 1920s and passed away in 2007. He was best known for his award-winning novel The Executioner's Song, which was released in 1979. It was adapted into a TV movie in the early 80s starring Tommy Lee Jones who won an award for that particular performance. Mailer himself actually adapted the novel into the television screenplay so he proved that he could change one of his own books and make it into a TV viewing product, at least in 1982. Because he tried it again with his novel that was released in 1984 named Tough Guys Don't Dance and it was a movie that was released in 1987. In the five years since he adapted The Executioner's Song, he had obviously lost any semblance of understanding, well, anything cohesive. And that's what we're gonna talk about in tonight's film Tough Guys Don't Dance. The movie begins with a lot of establishing shots and our lead actor Ryan O'Neill attempting to fake suspense. Turns out his father is fond of a little B&E every now and then. His father is played by the lovably gruff but notoriously troublesome Laurence Tierney. We see that O'Neill is dumping out exposition like it's nobody's business. They shoot the shit. The father insinuates that Ryan O'Neill's ex-wife was liable to turn him gay, which he didn't, even in prison. What the fuck? Wow, we're only a few minutes in and I'm already in an eyebrow-raising migraine. They start early morning drinking. Laurence Tierney bitches about chemotherapy and they get the embarrassingly long-winded flashback sequence started. Rather abruptly too. Oh look, it's what a 15-year-old thinks an 80s party looked like. That's kind of presumptuous of you opening up the door not knowing who it is and immediately taking your clothes off. Ryan O'Neill explains he's sick of parties but his then-wife Patty Lorraine loves them and it's wearing him out. Then this happens. Bravo, Norman Mailer. Truly a grand titillator. I believe you love your wife a great deal. No more than twice a week. Who talks like this? Who actually talks like this? Oh fuck it, just keep going. Anyways, the party ends in an inexplicable period of time passes and Patty Lorraine is apparently being haunted by two ghosts who she wants to bring back my seance. Ryan O'Neill explains that it's a full moon and she gets crazy during the full moons. Who kisses like that? Sloppy cut to Patty Lorraine and company having a seance. And another cut to Patty Lorraine dumping O'Neill via a random chauffeur. What the hell is going on here? Nothing's been explained, it's just skimming over stuff and I'm completely confused. I mean there is a way to convey events without being blunt but we went from a Ryan O'Neill just vomiting exposition in the first scenes to jumping time periods and scenes without no exposition at all over the last ten minutes. How I hated Patty Lorraine's all-superior fuck you face. Who insults people like that? Well anyways now that Ryan O'Neill's wife has removed herself from this. Ryan O'Neill goes to a random building and meets a man and woman. It's the Red Hot Mama aka that bitch mother of Rose DeWitt Bugatter. Mrs. DeWitt explains that she was a hardcore porn actress turned Californian realtor. They then proceed to talk about nothing important. He's cute, isn't he Lonnie? Cute. Who says anything like that? What makes surgeons happy? To cut people up and get paid for it. That's happiness. Who laughs like this? Who blows someone like that? Admittedly though it's actually really funny. What the hell is this movie? He's having sex with this woman while her lover slash friend slash whoever the hell he is is having a mental breakdown. Ryan O'Neill discovers he has a tattoo and bloody clothes you know and usual day at the office apparently. Then that weird guy from the party earlier in the movie Regency and apparently bent police officer tells Ryan O'Neill to move his wheat stash in the forest. O'Neill does so while also finding a human head. Ryan O'Neill gets the hell out of dodge, goes home, falls asleep, wakes up and then goes to the house of the guy who was at the seance with him. He starts grilling him about the seance. The other guy revealing that during the seance they saw Patty Lorraine with her head severed off. Creepy Cop Regency calls the house apparently knowing that Ryan O'Neill was there somehow. O'Neill goes back to the bar from before and finds out the man who was having an understandable breakdown while he was having sex with Mrs. DeWitt was found dead in their car which was abandoned there apparently. Regency however seems more interested in his sexual orientation than any of that business. You read Pangborn wrong he was a flaming faggot. You're certain. This time it is not a lovely boy from the Air Force. This movie is all kinds of bad and it just gets worse. I'd like to kill Homoes. Even for 1987 this seems a little extreme. Turns out that Regency is married to Ryan O'Neill's other ex Medin Falco who he is still pining for. Regency shows him a picture of their kids and struts away like a doofus. Ryan O'Neill starts drinking again and holy fuck another flashback. We are in a flashback in a flashback and then the flashback is over. This movie has a temporal consistency of a scratched record. Ryan starts babbling about the past and holy fuck another flashback. Ryan O'Neill and Italian Madeline are tired of each other in their inexplicably lengthened relationship and they decide to go swinging with a couple from a magazine called Screw. Sounds reasonable to me. Ryan gets with a preacher's wife and Madeline gets with... Last night I had a dream. Penn Gillette playing a firebrand southern preacher. What the fuck is this movie? They have an orgy. Madeline falls for Penn Gillette and she attacks Ryan while they're driving home yelling that she is crazy for liking Penn Gillette. This causes the car to be crashed and in busts Madeline's womb forever preventing her from having children. But now big's the question why was Regency bragging about having children earlier or later or wherever the hell we are right now in the movie. I have absolutely no idea it's beyond me. This movie is the most disorganized slow train wreck I have ever witnessed. Got any coke? That's the natural thing for anyone who found out they couldn't have children anymore I guess. I'll never get busted. Oh! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! He goes to the jail for coke dealing for three years which takes all of eight seconds in this movie. He seems to be working in a bar and Patty Lorraine walks in after all this time. Hello asshole! Eh! I like her. So Ryan Oh asshole and Patty Lorraine conspire for her to divorce her foppish rich dump of a husband so she can marry O'Neil and they can live happily ever after. But the hell with that flashback over we're now going back to the other flashback zone. O'Neil decides to go visit Madeline. Turns out Regency was lying about the kids. Whatever that means. Madeline and O'Neil have an earnest meeting. Mr. Regency and I make out five times a night. That's what I call a Mr. Five. Oh! Who says stuff like that? Who says stuff like that? She gives him a note telling him to read it far away from her home and she did not come back our contactor. He drives her to the beach and okay yeah you guys all know this scene. Probably one of the first videos I ever watched on YouTube this scene still amazes me to this day. My husband is having an affair with your wife. I don't think we should talk about it. You guys are prepared to kill them. Oh man! Oh God! Oh man! Oh God! Oh man! Oh God! Oh man! Oh God! Oh man! Oh God! Well I can't say I know how to react in a situation like that but no no one would do that. Not in any form at all. No matter what no one do that shit. So Assel goes to the bar meets up with another asshole who is confrontational has an inhuman unnatural conversation with some random woman who also apparently knows him well blah blah blah blah blah blah I guarantee you this part of the movie is going nowhere. This movie has the continuity of a Tommy Wiseau film. Assel gets a call telling him he's being framed for murder. The crooked cop picks him up and they go have a drink over some terribly awkward conversation. Terribly awkward seems to be the norm for this movie. O'Neal goes to his drug stash and checks out the head that is still hidden in there. He also has a dog now. Where the hell that come from? He steals the remains and gets the hell out of there. Naturally he's intercepted by random hooligans who stab his dog causing him to have a tire iron tantrum. He goes home falls asleep and it cuts to the morning. Assel seems to be attempting fake suspense. Turns out his father is fond of a little B&E every now and then. His father is played by the lovably gruff but notoriously troublesome Lawrence What the fuck this is the beginning of the movie? Oh wait fades to where the flashback was being told from? God damn it! O'Neal's dad does an autopsy on the remains that he found earlier and it turns out that the bodies are of his ex-wife Patti Lorraine and that cow mother from the Titanic that he plowed in front of that other guy. Then his dad decides to take the boat and dump the remains into the lake. I swear this movie is trying to be a comedy deep down. Insert him out of random driving later. O'Neal is intercepted by some softy long-haired fellow with a long coat and a gun. He decides to hold O'Neal hostage and drag him out into the edge of the ocean. Now this is where the movie is kind of totally blown to shit. An exposition is thrown out like a college frat party vomit fest. The whole plot apparently was a cocaine swindle gone terribly wrong with Patti Lorraine being the bitch mastermind behind it all. Seems that the Titanic mother, gay guy, crooked cop, Patti Lorraine and foppish long coat are all in on it. But there's been some double crossing and some murders and the survivors of the ordeal have decided to pin all the murders on O'Neal because of the circumstantial encounters he has had with each of them. Also on a side note, the rich long coat guy is that guy that Patti Lorraine used O'Neal to divorce and to take a bunch of his money. So when he finds out that Patti Lorraine is using him again for money he shoots the shit out of her leading to where we flashback from again. Rich guy decides to commit suicide unwilling to face the public consequences of his misdoings and mistrust throughout all of these events. O'Neal after that brain blunder goes home and finds Madeline waiting for him outside and they enter the house knowing that Regency is inside and he's pissed out drunk. And your son cracked her up in a car and destroyed the womb. He begins to freak out and then begins smashing his head against the door and then he strokes out? I think? I guess he had had too many flashbacks and his brain just couldn't handle it. I need to come 16 times in a night. Not one of them was good. That's because you've got no womb. So Madeline decides to shoot Regency dead. O'Neal and his father throw all the bodies in the lake and Madeline and O'Neal used the two million dollars Regency had stashed away to buy a mansion and live happily ever after. All except for this. Just don't get it. I've watched this multiple times and this is by far the most insidiously disturbingly confusing movie I have ever seen. It's not like a hard house film where it's trying to be overly metaphorical or it's not like some prized up English majors want to be wet dream. This literally just makes no sense. The ending is supposed to be a happy one. Well as happy of any of these pricks deserve but it ends on this awkward doom laden downtrodden darkly scored note with Mrs. Dewitt Baker's raucous laughter fading the film to black. And then there's a spectral like whispering permeating the soundtrack. It happens throughout the movie and it means something. I think? I guess it has something to do with Patty Lorraine wanting to do the seance earlier in the movie. She said something about these voices haunting her. Not that any of this is slightly skillfully displayed at all in this movie. I guess in the end it was just trying to tell us why everything happened in this movie. Spooky ghosts? Why was Pendulette in this movie? Spooky ghosts. Why did O'Neal do anything that he did in this movie? Spooky ghosts. What did they see in that seance? Obviously spooky ghosts. This movie is truly a spectacle and trying to challenge you to comprehend this movie in a way that most if not all movies would not be able to accomplish. It's like trying to do trigonometry in the second grade. You know you have to do something but you lack the education and the know-how to do it. That or this movie is a purposeful, humorous, and completely idiotically laughing stock of a trainwreck. Anyways guys thank you for watching this episode of Masters of Disaster. This is one we wanted to do for a while as we saw this done by Blame Society who did a fantastic job with it. Their review is hysterical. If you haven't seen their review definitely check it out. Anyways guys if you liked this video leave a like. If you are interested in more please subscribe. Also give us some shout outs of movies you would like us to do a tear down through and see if they are worthy of the Master of Disaster title. Anyways guys that's all from me. I'll see you guys next time.