 Gee, it's almost Thanksgiving and I've got so much to be thankful for I've got a wonderful wife two wonderful kids and adorable personality Victor we're leader in radio first and record a music and first in television presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye show By Ed James Ray Brenner and Frank gold with Elliot Lewis Walter Tetley John Hubbard Janine roose and with Bill Walter sharp in his music And yours truly Bill Foreman tonight's little saga is called the birthday gift or never mind the present mother I'll settle for your past first. Here's a word from RCA Victor There's an old army saying that there are three ways of doing everything the right way the wrong way and the army way There is however an additional way the Phil Harris or weird way If you need any convincing tonight ought to do it There once was a birdie at Sunset and Vine singing Harris Phil Harris And we both agreed there was none so divine as Harris Phil Harris Phil Harris You're adorable simply divine you lover. Oh, good morning Alice Wait a minute hold it Clyde you missed me by two feet. I did well. I kissed something You sure did you kissed a luscious adorable wet mop Oh, is that what it was we better get a new mop that one will never be the same Okay, pucker up mama here comes the super chief on track 29 And if your bridge club meets this afternoon share that amongst them Well, where you go? Oh honey Elliot's waiting in the living room. He wants to talk to me You and that Elliot wait a minute. What's the matter with Elliot? Nothing except that he comes up with the world's craziest ideas and you think they're wonderful, honey I don't like the time you bought the iron farm. I heard of raising iron on a farm pig iron Only devote as much time to your family as you do to Ellen I think about you honey. I think about you all of time only yesterday. I said to Elliot. I said Gee, I wonder what Alice and the kids are doing Do you know what tomorrow is? Do I know what? Honey, how could I be married to a wonderful girl like you and forget our anniversary? It's little Alice's birthday Oh, well, I was close Where is my little image now In a room Okay, you just tell her to put her things on because I'll take her down to the department store And she can pick out anything she wants How's that? Well, all right, and Phil. Yes, honey. Don't let Elliot sell you any cork swimming pools for lightheaded people Get little Alice something useful, huh? Okay, okay Something useful Now what is useful to a 14 year old girl? 14 year old scotch. No Guys little Alice is 14 years old That makes me What a horrible thought Hi, Curly, what took you so long? Hey, would you believe it Elliot? Oh, no kidding. You look older Because you worry little Alice little Alice Tomorrow's little Alice's birthday, and I'm gonna take her shopping for a present. She's 14 years, but I haven't talked to you about this idea Look Elliot, I don't want no cork swimming pools for lightheaded people What you and them pig farms you get me into nothing but trouble with Alice Look, this is serious. So's a million bucks. Look, I promised Alice I wouldn't even listen to any of your crazy ideas. So you might as well keep a million bucks Easy a million maybe even three million. I'll listen with one error. Go ahead Curly I got a 300 year old treasure map of the Solomon Islands I Elliot I ain't going for that buried treasure routine. It ain't buried treasure Curly This map shows the exact spot where a barrel of uranium fell off a Chinese galleon 300 years ago Uranium, huh Wait a minute. Take it easy Roy Nobody knew about her review uranium 300 years ago. The Chinese did well, why didn't they say something they did Well, who understands Chinese? 300 years old, huh? How you know well look down here in the corner where the guy signed it Joe Fung I drew this map 300 years ago Yeah Yeah, it looks authentic Yeah, it looks all right. Mm-hmm. Wait a minute. Well, how did you get it from a deep-sea diver? His grandfather used to run a dive for Joe Fung Elliot sir I hold it just a minute look right at me. That's it. Now look why don't the deep-sea diver go after it? himself See that's easy Curly. He's a deep deep deep sea diver He's a deep deep sea diver The uranium's in shallow water Shallow water, huh, and he don't have a deep-sea shallow water diving helmet I got news for you neither do we It's simple we go into a department store you order a couple of deep-sea shallow water diving helmets, and we're busy Oh, wait a minute. I don't know about that. Look if we come home carry in a pair of deep-sea shallow water diving helmets Alice might get suspicious So we don't carry him we wear him What if she notices them anyway, she won't curly we'll keep our hats on Look, it's no good Elliot Alice will murder me for going in on another deal with you Even if it is a wonderful deal like this one. I like the deal, but she ain't gonna allow it Shame that's what it is Five million bucks right down the drain. I can sure use five million You have to buy a little Alice a birthday present, don't you well buy her a pair of deep-sea shallow water diving helmets And we can borrow them from her Elliot. I told her she could have anything she wanted now Give me one reason why a forter of deep-sea shallow water diving helmets She's afraid of mosquitoes Elliot. I got it curly. I got it Man what a crazy shower cap, and you'll have two of them. Yeah His and hers Hey, we're in the living room, honey Hello, don't let Alice pick out anything ridiculous, please you know me, honey sure But don't let her pick out anything ridiculous anyway As a matter of fact, we sort of have a couple of ideas Curly yeah, come on Elliot. Let's get moving. Yeah vast be hardies man the poop deck and shiver the timbers Goodbye, honey. Bye. Oh gosh. I don't know Everybody's got somebody and all I've got is Phil Harris Keep it gay keep it light keep it fresh Let it bloom every night give it room Keep your love a lovely dream and never wake it Make it happy and be happy as you make it Let it sing keep it free or you'll frighten it away. Keep it gay Keep it light keep it fresh keep it fair Let it bloom every night give it room give it air Keep your love a lovely happy and happy as you make it gay keep it free or you'll frighten it away It's a diving equipment. I don't helmet's an elephant rifle. Wait a minute. I'll wait Just hold it a minute. Will you all right? Look Alice? Why don't you sort of shop around for a while? You mean by myself? Sure. You're a big girl go around the toy department or someplace. We'll pick you up later Oh boy, would you send her away for a career? I had to Elliot. We can't let her find out We want the diving helmets for us You know, I never thought of that you're a shrewd one Yeah, we want to see a couple of deep-sea shallow water diving helmets. Yeah size seven and a fifth That's the size I wear. I know the lights. See I only come in three sizes small medium and large It's going to be another one of those days It's not this way gentlemen, don't do it curly walk the way we always do Here's a lovely model used by some of our very best divers It's shockproof moisture proof anti-magnetic and comes with a full guarantee Hey, if you care to try it out, we have a 10-foot tank for that very purpose Sounds all right her curly claim it. I don't know. Hey, mister. How long is the guarantee? It's guaranteed for a lifetime All three weeks whichever is short Three weeks a curly. What difference does it make with the map all we need is three minutes I don't know Elliot three weeks and perhaps if you gentlemen were to tell me what you intend diving for Get out of town This is the secret buddy, and we ain't telling nobody. Yeah, but all I am Yeah, make like a robin will you eat clear flesh move it Get lost when I've never been treated so rudely in my life, but never in my entire life Poking into our uranium I wouldn't be surprised if he was a Russian spy We'll do this ourselves, huh, right, okay, Elliot there it is slip it on What the diving helmet we have to see if it leaks don't we Look curly, you know how I am with water There's nothing to be scared of about water people even drink it Practically every day Look curly. This is a two-man operation one guy gets into the tank with the helmet and one guy pumps on the air pump, right? Right, I'll pump look It was a tie I Got an idea. We both pump. Okay. Let's go. All right. I'll take this side. You ready? Wait a minute. Hold everything Now what's the matter? We both pump who's in the helmet? We ought to get somebody The Florence Chadwick of the bathtub set. What are you doing down there? Just a minute Julius How would you like to put on this deep-sea shallow water diving helmet and test it in that tank of water? It only weighs 50 pounds Needs uranium. That's why we want you to test the diving helmet or the government and 12 million that's right Julius your government yours and mine Now you're not gonna let them down. Are you he's got physical reasons We're cowards The helmet on him Elliot Roger. Yeah, you ready Elliot. Yeah, I'm ready. All right toss a man one Two hot and cold running pineapple juice old running hula girl running hula girls Okay, Curly. We're chasing them. Oh Yeah, the pump Elliot. Oh, yeah. Hey Elliot. Yeah, Curly Hey What happens over them islands if Man's love of the run a little thirsty, you know They got spigots in the trees Fermented coconut juice down. Oh, man. Let me see that map again. Oh Beautiful We're gonna live Curly but live Elliot how come we never thought of taking that trip before Think of it Curly the soft music of Polynesian guitar I can almost hear whistling through the stately palm Surf pounding on the sandy shore and from the mysterious jungle Weird ain't it Sounds almost human. Huh? You know something Elliot? I think that guy's trying to sell us a defective helmet Well, look at it. It's turning green Hey, hey, wait a minute and ate the helmet. It's Julius You know, he looks better in technicolor and get his other arm Elliot. Now just lower him easy Slippery little devil never going to get away with this dive and helmet bit We're not going to get away with it with little Alice or big Alice Skin divers out there. They use those things for diving in shallow water You get goggles and an oxygen tank and yeah, yeah, yeah that that that seems more logical I'll tell you what you find little Alice and I'll meet you here. Where you going Curly? I want to stop into that music department over there Yeah, okay, Curly. I'll see you back here in a few minutes. Yeah, right. Oh good day, sir. Can I be of assistance? Yeah, I'd like to hear a an RCA Victor Recorder to find may I suggest Toscanini's the pines and fountains of Rome. It's one of our leading sellers well, um, I Was thinking more of a vocal selection. All right. How about this album? Mario Lanza sings Christmas song he's a tenor and I was thinking of Something a little deeper. Well, why don't we look at the list now? Let's see here. Um, Eddie Arnold Harry Como Eddie Fisher you're getting closer Tony Martin Bon Monroe. You went past it Back up to the H's the H is all right. There's you certainly don't want to hear Phil Harris Why don't I Here tastes some people have Where's what you got to go through to here one little record? I sing with the light That's I spend most the night meet that bill Shum with you Last night I dreamed that I was down in the bottom of the sea down and that's all they water I'm at a maiden fair where the cottage there Of course, she didn't have her own name, but anyway, we had And she had a tail of a fish for a train, but bull Clyde bull now that gal could entertain And what a time I had with many the mermaid down in the bottom of this I Lost all my troubles in amongst the bubbles when she was just as sweet as she could be And every night when the starfish came out, I have been kissed her. So What a time I had with many the mermaid down in her seat we put the low low down in her seat we found the low What a time I had with many the mermaid down in the bottom of the sea I Lost all my morals and amongst the corals that many made this sucker out of me And every night when the starfish came out, I have been kissed her. So Wow With many the mermaid down in her seat we put the low low down in her seat we found the low Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep. So beware You thanks picked out ourselves for you, baby Alice, haven't we Ellie you said a curly Sheer and slinky Sheer and slinky What is this black lace negligee wait a minute? Hold it. You don't want no black lace negligee. You're only 14 years old Wouldn't you rather have a nice match set of oxygen tanks? You said I could have anything I want now wait a minute your mother said it had to be useful and what could be more useful in Los Angeles than an oxygen Can you filter smog through a negligee put her down for two tanks curly right and look at these Alice Just look at these ain't they beautiful. I don't want any swim fin Alice you've got to stop being unreasonable. You need swim fin You know the rainy season is coming up And then all them other kids is slashing through puddles and they're ridiculous looking shoes You'll be racing past them in thin I Want a black lace negligee tell about the goggles. Oh, but the guy hey, honey You're gonna love this look honey. They're great big goggles cover practically your whole face. You won't ever have to wash I Don't want goggles and you get a spear a genuine retractable ballpoint spear You'll love it, honey. I don't want to spare all the funny walking around with the spear No, you won't Alice. I used to know a guy had a spear sticking right out of his forehead. Nobody even noticed Elliott Let's not go overboard That's a fact girly he was a nearsighted flute player and he had to have a place to hang his music Oh Look baby Alice, I want I want a black lace negligee Curly at that. Oh, now it's coming. We're over here, honey I don't want oxygen tanks and swim fins and fear Alice, please I'm only a little girl and I want a black lace negligee You just told me you were here. What on earth did you do to him? Do the Julius us We wouldn't hurt a feather on Julius dear little head Well, I don't know mr. Bruzio called and he's furious. He said you got Julius soaking wet, honey He's exaggerating. Well, that's the last time. We'll do any favors for that little thing. That's right, mother I don't want an oxygen tank What oh We were only kidding early Wait a minute. Oh, honey. We just look and I got our present all picked out that beautiful and it's practical too What did you get her a subscription to Esquire? Oh, honey? I'm a father and I know what's good for a 14 year old girl I got her a black lace negligee This is Phil again folks, it's estimated that by 1956 There will be some seven million more children in elementary schools than there are now We must start preparing at once more equipment will be needed like textbooks playgrounds and above all More elementary school teachers So do your part to assure your child a proper education by joining and working with local groups and school boards Thanks, and good night. Good night, everybody Included in this program transcribed with Frank Nelson the part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley This has been an NBC radio network production