 Recently, I got a question emailed to me asking, why would an educated man use a woman? And I thought to myself, what does education have to do with using someone? I mean, how does that, someone's education? I think it's because we have this belief that people who are more educated are more genuine, that people are educated are more sincere, okay? We kind of feel that same way with attractive people. There's this belief system that if someone is attractive, they're more of a quality candidate to be in relationship. So today I wanna lean into the real truth as to, well, a truth of why a woman might get used by a man. And I think the most common narrative with respects to being used by people centers around narcissists. That tends to be the number one reason why men and women seem to be using one another because they are a narcissist, okay? Now, it's interesting because this morning, my sweetheart was sharing with me a list of traits that are narcissistic. And I kept saying, well, I checked that box and I checked that box and I checked that box. I didn't check all nine or 10 boxes listed, but I checked out a few of the boxes. And I share this because we all have on some level selfish traits, we all have some self-centered traits. We all have that. It's just kind of human nature. In fact, in the dating realm, most people are rather myopic and myopic is kind of tunnel vision, okay, tunnel vision or they're self-centric because we start from self. We start from that place of wanting to have our own needs met. So it seems to stand to reason why people get called narcissistic when they're in a relationship with someone and they're only focused on their own needs, okay? But think about it, when you're on a date, are you focused about his needs or are you focused on your own needs? It's a very natural human thing. And yet once again, the term narcissist gets thrown about. And yes, there are some people who are narcissists. There are some people who are completely devoid of empathy. There are people who don't apologize for their actions. There are people that will turn everything around and make it your fault instead of taking ownership on their own part. So yes, that's a true thing that can happen, all right? But at the same time, being used is oftentimes comes from a place of victim consciousness versus victor consciousness, okay? Victim consciousness says somebody did something that wronged me, okay? That's victim consciousness. Victor consciousness is this experience happened in my life and this is what I learned about myself from this experience when you can actually come at it from a place of what positive things that I learned about myself in this experience, we have a greater chance to be attracting in our lives, those who are more aligned to who we are and what we want. So today we have to talk about being used because I want everyone to differentiate between a short-term mating strategy versus a long-term mating strategy. That's right, a short-term mating strategy versus a long-term mating strategy, okay? Why do I call it a strategy? Because the reality is with, listen, I'm gonna pull up my phone. With these devices, we are now, because of our smartphones and access to people we wouldn't otherwise meet in our daily lives, many people, men and women, have a short-term strategy. In other words, they only are seeking to have a good time and the internet has certainly amplified what's now known as the hookup culture. And these days, many are people are experiencing very short-lived relationships where there is physical intimacy with one another without any deeper dive into a real serious relationship. So if you have a long-term mating strategy, you operate differently. And what I mean by operate differently, especially if you're a woman, you are doing a better job of vetting this person. You're vetting, and vetting means screening, it means filtering, it means establishing, do we share the same values? Are our lifestyles blendable with one another and more importantly, is this person emotionally mature enough to be in relationship? And as that woman asked me earlier, how can a highly educated man use a woman? The reality is his intelligence doesn't equal relationship success. Attractiveness doesn't equal relationship success. If you really wanna learn and understand about vetting, check out a free discovery call with me, there's a link right here. You can go to the link below, jonathanasley.com forward slash coaching to schedule a call with me because my area of expertise is all designed to help you learn how to vet for compatibility. And more importantly, how to vet for emotional maturity because the reality is, is most people these days in the dating marketplace have a short-term mating strategy. And men are, I'm gonna be candid with you, men have this fantasy, not fantasy, a delusion or a lack of awareness, understanding that chemistry doesn't equal relationship success. Okay, chemistry doesn't equal relationship success. Men often focus on chemistry as their indicator for relationship success without truly, not all men, most men, without truly understanding the importance of compatibility as I shared with you. So what are men seeking? Companionship, connection, sex. That's the short-term mating strategy. A long-term mating strategy is companionship, connection, sex and commitment. And I think it's important to unpack this. What is companionship? Well, somebody to do stuff with. That's companionship to go to dinners, to go sailing, to go play pickleball, to do things with somebody else, to go to dinner parties, to go to family gatherings so you can have a companion. That's a basic human need to want companionship. Connection, route is as human beings are thirsty for connection, whether it's romantic connection or just even community in their life, family and friends. It's important need to wanna have connection with someone, to be able to be vulnerable, to be authentic, to be transparent with a person. Sex, well, what's the point of being a romantic relationship if you can't have sex together? That's a driving force. We men biologically are driven more so by sex, not to say women aren't any less appreciate sex. I'm just saying, but we oftentimes we're so conditioned to spread our seed that it's not about commitment, it's about the sex. And that last piece of commitment says, I want you in my life for much longer than a short-term strategy. I wanna build trust with you. I wanna care about your feelings as much as you care about your own feelings. I wanna have your best interests at heart when I'm operating throughout the day and I don't mean operating like a surgeon in the way I operate through life. Commitment, people who have a long-term mating strategy operate differently. And yet today, most people have a short-term mating strategy. And their short-term mating strategy is because of this shocking truth. And I wanna read something I wrote for everybody. So bear with me. I said, loneliness is one of the leading causes. Loneliness is one of the leading causes. And the internet has amplified this abuse. Men do it and women do it. Because of the internet, humans have access to more people than ever in history. Because now you can meet people in the privacy of your own home, meaning you don't have to get out in the real world to connect with someone. And these days, women are falling for cyber relationships because they are also lonely. In addition, COVID amplified our desire for connection because the reality is, is for many people, we don't have a physical tribe or more importantly, an emotional tribe to support us in this ever-changing need for community and connection. See, the shocking truth why you might get used or why a man may only have a short-term mating strategy is because he desperately wants connection with someone. We humans are, there's a vast majority of humans that are lonely and they just wanna connect with someone. And maybe they might want commitment, but they don't even know how to be in a committed relationship. They don't know how to be a grown-up in relationship. If you're not familiar with the book, where is it? Oh, oh, here it is. How to be an adult in relationship. People can want companionship, connection and sex. They even might want commitment, but they don't know how to be in a committed relationship. So they have a short-term mating strategy believing that if you're with the right person, magic fairy dust will make it all work out because magic fairy dust always makes things work out. Folks, we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality. The vast majority of humans that are in the dating marketplace are rather dysfunctional and while a small percentage are users, 60% or more are dysfunctional and very few have done the inner work to actually be what I call a grower and a builder. So what did I write? Oh, and I wrote the only reason why this is shocking is that there are so many stories about how bad men are. Men, and I'm here to say men aren't evil. Humans are flawed and worse, the lack of community will be the downfall of our society. So don't be fooled or become jaded because most men are good guys. They are simply hurting on the inside. I can speak from personal experience because after my divorce, I was a damaged, I was a train wreck, I was lonely and I wanted companionship, connection and sex. And these devices created a portal to connect with people all over the world practically. This is why so many of you are being hooked to cyber relationships. So I just got an email or I saw a post in my YouTube channel, a comment saying, one of her friends for six months was engaged in a cyber relationship with a man and right the week before they were supposed to meet, he had an emergency and he needed money and she wired him $25,000 and she never heard from him again. Folks, cyber, by the way, if you do not schedule a FaceTime with any long distance person and if you are communicating with someone for over 30 days and you haven't physically seen them through FaceTime, run, forest, run. And anybody who says they can't do it is a crock of shit. Everybody has on their device WhatsApp. If he's speaking to you on a phone, unless he's speaking to you on a landline and he doesn't, I mean, if every almost 90% of, well, a significant percentage of the human population, especially here in the United States has access to the internet. They can send, they can do FaceTime with you. They can do WhatsApp with you. So don't believe that rhetoric. But what's the truth? Humans are lonely. And in that loneliness, we oftentimes operate from a selfish place, not a narcissistic place, but a self-centric place because we are swimming in a sea of such dysfunctionality and the emotional maturity of humans and their relationship skills are incredibly poor. This is why I wrote my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Health and Spiritual Work. By the way, in the description and the show notes, you can get a copy of, you can order my book. All the books I recommend are listed, but we have a distressing lack of self-love because the number one emotional health issue we are most everyone is facing is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likeable. Think about that. And dating triggers that like nobody's business. You know, most men, you have this ex, a lot of women have expectations. By the way, men can be jackasses. So let me be clear. But what I'm about to say is women have this expectation that men are supposed to be chivalrous and alpha and perfect. They know exactly what they're doing and they take the lead and so you can just sit in your feminine energy. Most men are good guys. They're just bad daters. But guess what? A lot of those good men that you might have rejected in the past, they make the best candidate to be in relationship. And the reality is, is these days, our lack of community is going to be the downfall because we feel very alone. Men and women alike. Can you relate to this? Can you relate to feeling alone? If you do, please write down, Jonathan, I can relate to feeling alone. And can you understand that men might feel this way too? And it might mean that they don't know how to be in relationship, but it doesn't mean that they're bad people. And if we start to believe the opposite is sex is bad for us, then we're never going to attract the kind of relationship we want. For those heterosexual relationships, let me be clear. So the shocking truth, loneliness is one of the leading causes for people to feel like they got used because the person who wants that connection isn't capable of anything deeper. And this is why I invite you to do a better job of vetting, of screening, of filtering in the early stages so you can attract in a person that can actually lead you to having a fully fulfilled, long-term relationship. Is this sinking and is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Again, check out the links below to a discovery call with me, to my group called Midlife Love Mastery. You can join the membership group here. You can follow me on Instagram and get all the copies of the books I recommend. All right, it looks like people are saying I can relate to feeling lonely. Thank you so much. Wanda says yes. Elder says the same thing. So we're gonna be taking questions in a second. By the way, I'm gonna do try something a little bit different. If you want to be on live with me to ask a question, I just posted it in the chat box, a link. I'm actually open to taking direct questions from those of you. Anyone who clicks on that link will be one of the first people that can actually, I can bring you in on the show. So again, click that link in the show notes that I just posted or in the chat box. All right, if you have a question for me, write the word question then post the question there after or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All of the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. He's my son who passed away a few years ago and in his honor, I've started a scholarship fund to donate to causes like the Hoffman Process and Insight Institute, just to name a few. All right, let's see what kind of questions we have here. And again, if you want to be on live, just simply hit the link. I posted in the chat box, okay? See if someone's brave enough. Christina says, Jonathan, I love the fact that you tell us and explain the truth. I am so grateful for that as well. Thank you so much. Let's keep swimming. Let's see. I could have swore I saw a question here earlier. Bear with me, everyone. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Here's a Jeanette wrote question. Is it because subconsciously we want to be used? How to get out of that without becoming selfish, self-centered and basically not beautiful? Okay, great question. All right, and Violet, I see that you're in the box or there, I'll plug in just a second. I want to answer Jeanette's question. All right, so, oh, just something occurred to me. I won't be able to hear Violet, I'm muted. Oops, sorry about that. Coming back to, it looks like I got muted for a second. So I just want to say, I do believe that there might not necessarily a subconscious level to be used, but there is a lack of self-love and in that lack of self-love, being used actually creates an opportunity to choose self-love, because if you've been used by someone and you don't stand up for yourself, I think God, universe, spirit, Gus continually sends you opportunities to actually lean into your own sovereignty, your self-worth and self-esteem. So I don't think it's, it might be a subconscious, it's not about wanting to be used subconsciously. You want to heal your own lack of self-worth so you'll choose people that use you until you actually stand in your power. So great question there, Jeanette. So thank you so much. All right, it looks like we have, okay, the loss of the sound, sorry about that. We are back. Let's see, I can't connect this device. Kick it from studio. It looks like a kick guest. Okay, if you want to ask a question, write the word question, then post the question there after. Let's see, we've got a couple of questions here. Sweet Art says, what's your favorite date ideas to go on? So, you know, when Marie and I first met, and there's a picture of my sweetheart and I, you know, we really, we didn't date. We actually decided to, I mean, it wasn't like a subconscious thing. It was just, we decided to explore the validity of a relationship with one another because we had distance in all. So when she came to visit me after the first time I met her, we didn't go anywhere. We just, I laid a picnic on the floor and we just laid our cards on the table and we talked for 10 hours straight each day. But tonight is a happy hour and we're gonna go out for drinks. I actually prefer a happy hour. At first I like doing social gatherings with friends is another thing. I like to spend time with family is another thing. So these are all things I like to do but I'm trying to think, what's my favorite date? You know, my favorite time is just connecting with someone where you can really connect and share from the heart. So that to me is the best date. It could be having a cup of coffee. It could be tea, it could be alcohol. It could be going to Disneyland. I remember once I had a date where we went to Disneyland and because we're in line so much, we just, we're talking. That's my idea of a great date. So hope that helps. Thanks so much for that question. Wanda writes, question. Why would a man decide he doesn't, why would a man decide suddenly he doesn't want anything from you after years of accepting help? Probably he wasn't either just not that into you or he wasn't true. He didn't want true partnership in his life. Remember I talked about the men earlier that have a short-term dating strategy versus a long-term dating strategy. When a man has a long-term dating strategy, if you're not the one, he eliminates you rather quickly. But men who are lonely, desperate or horny, they'll stay with someone for years to get their needs met of that connection but they're not really capable of something deeper. That's usually the case anyways. And Pam says, loneliness can make a person vulnerable. That's true, very true. All right, let's keep going. Sharon says, yes, Jonathan, I have felt alone and I do feel alone, but I'm okay being on my own. Way to go. Francesca writes, question. The man is emotionally mature, seems he has learned a lot from his past. Only thing is he's in job transition, unstable financially, willing to see what he does moving forward. Red flag. First off, a red flag simply means ask questions. The reality is, is this is a, by the way, COVID caused a lot of men and women to be displaced professionally. So I'm not surprised that this has happened. And there are a lot of other reasons. I know I went through a period of time where I was struggling financially. Now, here's the challenge with this man. If the ground underneath him doesn't feel solid, it makes it difficult for him to lean into a relationship of full commitment. He could want companionship, he could want connection, he could want sex, but it makes it difficult for him to lean into our instinctual provider protector. So you have to be careful not to be the financial supplementer of the relationship. Now, if we think about it, men do this all the time. So wouldn't it be okay to do this in reverse? Well, you have to do this with a sense of consciousness because could you financially support the two of you if you ever get married? Ask yourself that question. If the answer is no and the ground underneath him isn't solid, you could be investing in a money pit, okay? But it's hard to say because like myself, I turned it around, but a lot of times when a man turns it around financially, they want to end the relationship so they can be a bright, shiny penny to someone new. So, yes, it's a red flag. Does it mean you end, is it a deal breaker? You have to ask that for yourself, Francesca. Have a great question. So thank you so much. Elder writes, I've ended the new relationship. I've been in because once again, I've been used. I give up, I'm so sad and lonely. What should be my next move? Okay, you ended the relationship. Good for you, that's standing in your power. The minute you say I'm used, you're in victim consciousness. I'm here to say, your next step is to simply ask yourself these three questions. What positive things did I learn about myself in this experience? What positive things did I learn about myself in this experience? Number two, what was good about this experience? What was good? And lastly, what am I grateful for in this experience? When you can answer those three questions, you will be much closer to being attracted, attracting what you want instead of living in victim consciousness. I'm not saying you're a victim. I'm just saying it could be your victim consciousness. Okay, so thank you so much. Jennifer says, I like masculine provider. I think a man who wants 50, 50 is essentially using a woman and not in his masculine energy. You talk about women treating and how it's nice that she does. Well, thank you for sharing that. That's your perspective. I will tell you, if you were married and for whatever reason, your husband lost his job and he couldn't work for a year and you had to pay all the bills, does that put him in his feminine energy? What if he got disabled? Does that put him in his feminine energy? I'm not suggesting anything is 50, 50. I think two people should put 100% in each relationship. I'm a big proponent of throwing out the gender rhetoric and operating from a heart-centered place. This is why I recommend the book. If the Buddha dated, if it Buddha dated because it throws out the gender rhetoric and says, how can two people connect from a heart-centered place? And money, by the way, the second most common reason for divorce next to intimacy is money issues. And so if you're not on the same page about money and if there's an expectation, that leads to disaster in many cases. So that's my two cents on that, Jennifer. I hope you found value in that. Debbie says, this is resonating. Thank you, keep me good. Thanks so much, I appreciate that. Dawn says, what, and by the way, everyone write the word question first. What does it mean when a man is enthusiastic about doing handyman jobs, cooking for me, working on my car, but he doesn't want to be bothered with phone calls. He doesn't answer texts or communication. You know, a lot of men, and I can be, by the way, my sweetheart was out of town for a few days and she wanted to talk on the phone. I'm like, I just don't feel like talking on the phone. I mean, I've reached a point in my life and believe me, for a lot of baby boomers and Gen Xers, talking on the phone and texting is a chore. But he demonstrates all these great qualities he fixes things for you. He works on your car, he does cooking for you. Those are great signs of his love language. If you're not familiar with the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, I highly recommend checking this out. He is an acts of service guy. He is demonstrating, he cares about you. Believe me, guys don't do that stuff if they don't care about you. So he doesn't want to talk on the phone, BFD. That's my two cents on that anyway. So thank you so much, Don. Sheila writes, question, my ex-boyfriend and I are going to date again. I use some of the, are we compatible questions, et cetera. He was overwhelmed, he said. Let him process and two weeks later had a three hour phone call. Well, thank you for sharing that. That's not a question, but thank you for sharing that. I appreciate it. Ursula writes, question, why would a man not call but continue to text? He is slower than molasses. Are there any valid excuses? He's just not that into you. I mean, I'm sorry. That's just, you know, that's just, when a man genuinely wants you, he does everything that he can to see you. That's it. When I, by the way, after my second date with Marie, after we went to the wedding together, I was like, first off, she looks spectacularly gorgeous. So couldn't take my eyes off of her. Yes, I am a red-blooded male and she was wearing a red dress. But the thing is, is once I realized I liked her, I did everything I could to covet her into my life. That's what men do when they really like you. When they're passive, they use you. And when they're not into you, they're flaky. They still use you, but they're flaky. And when I say use, they want, they're doing it from their own perspective, not from your perspective. They just want their needs met. That's what being used is. Is I want my needs met without genuinely caring about your needs. And many of you fall into this trap. So Ursa, stop it. Okay. Julie writes question. Could you recommend online dating apps or sites preferred by high-value men and women who are serious about relationships? Well, I would say eHarmony is one of them because you got to pay 50, 60 bucks a month. Millionaire Match is about $70 a month. It's a little bit more expensive. I mean, the apps are free, so there's no real seriousness involved in them. Match.com is one of the other ones. I think it's about $45 a month. If you've got a little bit of skin in the game, you're a little bit more serious about it. So those are the couple three that I would recommend. All right. Here's a question. By the way, folks write the word question so it's easy for me to find. Sharon writes, I find in the dating world, why is it that so many men want to only date with sex? And that's fine, but they don't want commitment. So why is it they don't want commitment? For, okay, ladies, it's because you make sex so easy, we don't have to commit. We're watching the 90 day fiance the other way and there's one woman says, why, and this is her words, why should I give my milk if you ain't gonna buy the cow? Kind of thing. Ladies, it's because sex is relatively easy to obtain so you don't have to. It used to be if you wanted to get laid, you had to get married. Well, now hooking up is the easiest pie. So very few men are out of the gate want commitment except for those men that have a long-term mating strategy. You have to adopt a long-term mating strategy. And first off, it doesn't matter what men want to do. What matters most is what do you want to do for yourself? That's what you should be asking yourself, Sharon. Great, but thank you for reaching out. I appreciate it. Rita writes, question, could getting back to your ex ever be a good idea? Only under the question, why did this relationship end and why should we continue to go forward? Ask yourself this question, why did it end? What has changed and why should we move forward? Okay, it's my invitation for you. All right, Jennifer says, do you think that matchmakers would work? They would vet the man and make sure of their intentions. I would say the Indian matchmaker works, but the vast majority of matchmakers don't do the kind of vetting that you need to do for yourself. This is why I created my private coaching. Here's a link to it. My job is to teach you how to become your own matchmaker because all matchmakers do, especially if you're paid, they have a database of people and they just say, let's just send them the people we have. Have they done some vetting? Yeah, they've done some vetting, but can they vet for emotional maturity as good as you can? Can they vet for compatibility as good as you can? Some matchmakers can, the vast majority don't. Some can, but not all. Ether writes, question. I recently ended a one-year relationship with a guy 20 years younger than me from Egypt. He said he loved me and wanted to move in with me, but his family knew nothing. Thank you for sharing that, Ether. That's not a question though. Folks, if you're gonna ask a question, ask a question. Don't post a statement. Let's see what Vera writes, question. My boyfriend has two kids with two different women. We have been in a relationship for six months only. I asked him if he wants more kids and he said he doesn't, but maybe in three years. I'm 34. Again, not a question. If you have a question, write the word question and then ask me a question, ladies. Debbie posted, do you feel that guys get in trouble were stuck somewhere, pled for your love, attention and affection? Wait, do you feel that guys get in trouble? We're stuck somewhere, plead for your love, attention and affection. How do you handle them? Debbie, I really don't understand your question. I'm sorry, I just don't get it. Okay, so let's keep swimming. Okay, here's a question. What should a woman focus on the first date? Asking and talking about serious topics or going light and getting to know each other a bit? We're both in our mid-30s. So if you've met through a dating app, I would actually use the first phone call as your first date, asking the deeper questions. So that when you meet in person, you can actually have a good time if you passed the test, so to speak. So do it on the telephone before you meet and so your date, if you do decide to meet, can be, you know, find out some things. Do you share the same values? Are you aligned in politics or you're aligned in religion? Do you seem to want the same things? Ask these questions ahead of time so you don't have to go get dressed up to only find out you're disappointed and maybe do a FaceTime ahead of time to do the initial sniff test to see if you're attracted to one another. That's my invitation for you. April says, amen, Jonathan, 100%. Thank you so much. So Elder says, I don't think I had victim consciousness. I was just giving you the information of what happened and how I felt, but thanks for your reply. Again, oftentimes, and if I directed that towards you, let me clarify, oftentimes people feel like they got used, they feel like they got hurt and they're operating from a victim consciousness. The reality is, if we are standing in our power, we can never be used by another person. It might be an experience we didn't like, it might be a misaligned experience, okay? And there might be a significant learning experience in the process and that was really the gist of what I was saying there. So thank you for that as well. Emily writes, question, being a widow is very different. I have no horrible divorce story. I like my husband. I was cherished and trusted. How do I find that from a divorce man? What are the ready signs? First off, I'm sorry that you lost your husband. That's very sad. You know, divorce people, oftentimes, are riddled with a lot of traumas, okay? Just like a widower could be, you know, the trauma of loss can be as equally damaging emotionally as the trauma of a divorce, I mean, on some level. And divorce people who have not done some healing after their divorce oftentimes aren't good candidates to be in relationship. When you think about the divorce rate for second marriages is 65% and third marriage is 75%. Going through a divorce, oftentimes, people are worse off than when they started their marriage, okay? So what you wanna pay attention to is his languaging. Does he talk negative about his ex-spouse? That's a great sign that he may not have been healed, especially if he thinks he got used by his ex-spouse, he may not have been healed from that relationship. That's one thing I would pay attention, okay? All right, Nicole writes, question. After 11 month relationship and being out for three weeks, I'm hurting, but now, wait, but how long should I wait to start dating? You know, they say sometimes the half, you know, somewhere between six months to two years on 11 month relationship, I would say four months to six months would be a good break. Allow yourself some time to heal, maybe do a workshop, do personal development, self-help the spiritual workshop, read some books. If it was a devastating breakup, then I would contact Adele Theron at the Naked Recovery, Naked Divorce, there's a link below. Ask for Adele, mention my name. And there's a link below to Naked Discovery, Naked Divorce. That's what I'd recommend if it was a traumatic ending, okay? Question, I just left my person who I've been talking to because he was very inconsistent. I'm ignoring his phone calls. He calls all day and all night. Why didn't he appreciate me when I was around? As I said earlier, the vast majority of human beings want companionship, connection and sex, but they're not able to lean into the most important component and that is commitment where you build trust with another human being. So he is most likely feeling lonely, okay? He is feeling lonely and he is operating from a dependent place to get you back. But if you don't heal the underlying cause of the relationship problems, it's gonna be another problematic relationship. So why is he doing it? The question is, why do you care? Why do you care? Does the why really matter? Okay, because we oftentimes think, oh, he must really love me if he keeps calling me. Well, if he genuinely loved you, then he would have been that way and appreciated beforehand. Sometimes men don't appreciate what they have until after it's lost, but trust me, they oftentimes revert back to their old behavior the minute they got it because it's the sad reality is. I'm gonna use an analogy. My son, there's Colin right there. I remember when he was 13 years old, he wanted to get the new placed game called Halo. And we had to wait in line till midnight before the store was open to sell the game. And the line was like three football fields long, thousands of people, we had gotten there early, so we arrived in the front of the line. And he got the game and he was playing it and playing it, playing it, playing it. Till the new game came out, Duke Nukem. And we stood in line for that. And what happened to Halo? Well, he was sitting on his shelf. You know, he appreciated before he got it. He used it for a bit, but he was on to the next one. Sadly, many people treat human beings the same way. It's the novelty that they like. And when the novelty's gone, they might revisit it because they're missing it, but they're oftentimes looking for the next novelty to replace them. That's just one of many reasons why, Jane. So I hope that helps. All right, let's keep swimming. Sheila writes question. My boyfriend, after three hour call, told me to date other guys to make sure I knew he was the one I wanted to be with. Sorry, my end of my first question got cut off. I told him, I'm done. That's very interesting. I don't think I've ever heard that before. Go date others to make sure I'm the one. I don't understand his logic on that one, Sheila. That one doesn't make sense to me. I'm sorry, I'll have to ponder that a little bit because that one confuses me, okay? All right, thank you so much. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? Exactly. Let's keep going. Bartola, question. How long is the ideal wait time to have sex with a man that you're dating? I've been dating him for four months. Now is good time. If he's stuck around that long, that's a good sign. I mean, now when you say dating for months, have you been cyber dating him for four months? Or have you been seeing each other two, three, four days and nights a week together, doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional life. And if you've reached that, then it is time for intimacy. Go have sex together. But if it's occasionally, if this four months is cyber, it's not until you've established a hundred hours of face-to-face time. And if you've amassed 200 hours of face-to-face time, go have sex together. All right, let's keep going. Nicole writes, question. Oh, we already did that. Let's keep going. Francis writes, question. My mother told me that saying, and I like the virtues you were saying, there are no longer valuable or marriage. Carol for free. Okay, thank you. Not a question. Jill writes, question. Been dating eight months, had a conversation where, wait, been dating eight months, had a conversation where we act. He replied, you are everything I want, but I'm not ready to introduce you to my family yet. He said, please be patient. Then Jill, guess what you say to him. You don't get my vagina anymore until I meet your family. That's what you say to him. Cut sex off. And then you see his real value, okay? Cut sex off and then you can see, does he really value you? Does he really want to explore something? Now, here's the tricky part. If family means his children, I can understand why we might be reluctant to introduce our children. But you know what? If you're having regular sex together, and if he doesn't know by now eight months in, that's a real problem, okay? Listen, let me get on the phone with him. Can schedule a discovery call with me. Let me get on the phone with him. I'll do the talking for you. My job is to be your big brother. I've got the shotgun pointed at his face and saying, what's your intentions with my little sister? Because if you're gonna use her, I'm gonna shoot your ass off, motherfucker. So don't be naive. And if you need a big brother, I can do that phone call for you. Just schedule, hire me as a coach, so, okay? Julie writes, question. Is there a red flag in a relationship when your man disappears almost every weekend without notifying me? He claims he's an introvert and needs a long time, but he never notifies me beforehand. My guess is he has something to hide. And Marie just overheard me and she said, run, run, run. That's Marie's advice. So listen to Marie, run. He's hiding something. Corny Cobb, just personal question. Has your son read what the heck is self love anyway? You know what? It's funny, as I'm reading this, I think the answer is yes, but I don't recall now if we ever talked about it. So great question. I'm gonna have to ask Colin at the end. So thank you for that personal question. Mel says, question. Why do ex-husbands want to remarry the wife they let go? Familiarity, just like I was telling the story about my son and his video games because it's on the shelf and you'd like to go back to what's familiar. It's very common to go back to what's familiar because familiar oftentimes feels safe. By the way, I scratch my nose because I've got a fan on and it's blowing dust in my nose. So that's part of the reason why sometimes I scratch my nose, but coming back to your question, it's because it's familiar and sometimes familiar feels safe. Doesn't necessarily mean you healed your problems in relationship, it just feels safe. So thank you so much. Oh my God. All right, question. What can you tell us about successful men who are highly educated but never married, red flag? We are both in our mid 60s, no children financially independent. All right, so what does it say about a man who's been divorced? Does that mean he's any better at relationship? Yes, one made a commitment, but it didn't work out. Another person. So what you want to do is find out because most likely I'm going to bet he's a serial monogamous, a serial monogamous. He's probably had multiple relationships. He probably lives in David Foster who was the producer for, oh God, Whitney Houston and so many famous recording artists. He was a serial marier. He'd be in a marriage and the minute something go wrong, he'd end it. And he's had multiple marriages, David Foster. But now he's met a woman and he seems to says I've healed from that pattern of running. My guess is he's possibly a runner. The minute something goes wrong, he's off to the next person because he can't handle conflict. If you're not familiar with the book, eight dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. And second is eight dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. But more importantly, the book Marriage Ain't For Puncts by Dr. Calvin Robertson. He is the pastor who is on a married at first sight. I love his work, but his whole premise of relationship success centers around conflict resolution skills. And the fact is, is most humans have terrible conflict resolution skills because they have terrible communication skills. The vast majority of people have what's known as violent communication instead of non-violent communication. If you haven't read the book, Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. And this should have been titled Compassionate Communication. This is learning true compassionate communication. And so coming back to your question, why that's probably the reason why. I'm just speculating here a little bit of projection on my part. All right. Nicole says, why would a man say he needs to walk in the desert where together almost a year? I have no idea why a guy would say that. Let's keep swimming in here. Looks like Robin says, well said big brother, Jonathan. Thank you so much, okay? Oh, this dust is bugging me. Jeanette says, I need you as a big brother. I'm honored if I could be your big brother. I can do all the talking for you. So yes, let's keep swimming. Ether says, if a guy deletes you from his life because you go out on unexpected night, wait, go out on an unexpected night out. Does that mean he's never cared? It means he's an insecure person in my opinion for someone to, yeah. It doesn't mean, real care is looking beyond our own insecurities and say, this person matters to me. I want them in my life. Folks, our current dating strategy is many people have a short term mating strategy, not a long-term mating strategy. And a long-term mating strategy says you either want to move in together or get married. And you choose based on that, you operate from that premise very early on before the penis gets to go inside the vagina. You might want to have deeper questions to determine if you're on the same page. Earlier I mentioned, where I was asked about matchmakers and I talked about the Indian matchmaker, what a TV show on Netflix. What I appreciate about the content in that show is these are couples who want to be in a long-term marriage and they negotiate their terms before they ever have sex with one another or they date for a very long period of time. You want, if you want to have a life mate, then you have to establish a long-term mating strategy and that's what I teach you in my private coaching. So schedule a discovery call with me at seeing if the work is working with the coach is right for you. There's links below to my group, Midlife Love Mastery to talk to me. And again, if you need help, I can talk to your boyfriend as well. Check out all the books I recommend, check out the Naked Discovery, check out my Instagram page and get my free gift as well. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug. Oh, and subscribe to my channel, by the way. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to hit that like button as well. And if you can't hug yourself, you can't hug the person you love, then go find a friend, find a teddy bear, a pillow, give them a big, gigantic hug or a pet because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we can all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Tamara and Jennifer and Roller Girl and Tasha and Jackie and Leif and Sweet and Mel and Ether and Sheila and Barbary, Barbie and Jeanette, Robin, April, Bartola, everyone, thank you so much. Have a fab evening, bye now.