 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan assay of Jonathan assay calm And I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today our topic the five qualities a high value man find super hot Hot hot hot Really quickly if you're brand new to my youtube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell So you can be notified of new videos and if anytime during this video the content resonates with you Please do me a favor and hit that like button so it can be seen in the youtube algorithms and lastly this is your explicit language warning if I Occasionally use expletives to enhance the sentence and if that is not your cup of tea I suggest you log off right now because there might be an f-bomb in there once or twice All right, let's talk about those five qualities a high value man find super super super hot in a woman and Number three is of the most important So I'm really quickly. Let's just define what a high value person is because I'm not sure I like to define people this way And I only do this because of in the dating realm We want to differentiate between those people who are ready and serious about a relationship Versus those people that are probably dealing with codependency issues. They're dealing with psychological issues They're dealing with emotional issues Some people have sexual issues and that sort of thing So I want to differentiate that when I say high value man Particularly I'm talking about a person who is genuinely serious about a relationship He's intentional about being in a relationship, and he's rather emotionally mature. Let me repeat that He's rather emotionally mature Now I say rather emotionally mature because I quite frankly believe most human beings are Suffering on some level of not feeling good enough not feeling lovable and not feeling likable I would say our number one emotional health issue is a Distressing lack of self-love whether this is men or women and quite frankly men and women alike Struggle mightily when it comes to expressing themselves at an emotional level and having the emotional acuity to actually be in Relationship I'm gonna repeat that to have the emotional acuity to be in relationship when I mean by emotional acuity I'm gonna be talking about this in a moment But those factors that actually make it possible to have an interpersonal relationship with another human being at a Healthy way, and if you follow my channel, you'll know I always say a juicy delicious healthy way So let's jump into those five qualities a man a high value man find super hot and women and quite frankly These are both by the way what I'm about to express is both Both inside of men and women alike So when I'm talking about that high value man and these particular qualities he finds super hot These are actually the same qualities that you most likely will find super hot in a man Okay, so let's start with number one And number one is simply your actions match your words So let me just say this whether it's a man or woman watching this is that your actions match your words Let's not put it towards a gender One of the fundamental principles that I think we can all agree is that we appreciate people who are in integrity That they're that they're impeccable with their word if you're not familiar with the book the four agreements I highly recommend reading the book the four agreements the four agreements are basically an Outline to live in a state of integrity and the first agreement is to be impeccable with your words So your actions match your words on a consistent basis. I'm gonna repeat down a consistent basis There is always going to be times where Something comes up. You made a promise you have to cancel something Maybe possibly at the last minute it could even be a date. That's very common things do come up Sometimes we forget to call people those things happen. It's called being human What I'm really talking about is your actions are consistent with your words and so let me just say something ladies I know one of your biggest frustrations is about men who goes disappear or flaky But I can tell you as a man out in the dating realm. I Equally find flaky women out there I've had women who have initiated contact on a dating site and I replied and then they were gone Okay, so this happens to men this happens to women that human beings actions aren't consistently matching their words So I believe that the high-value person man or woman alike finds that very attractive attractive Especially when it comes to being in relationship to be with someone whose actions Consistently match their words. Does that resonate with you? I hope it does Number two and this is so hugely important. In fact, this might actually be more important than number three Okay, number two is you take personal responsibility for your choices. You take personal responsibility for your choices Sadly here especially here in the United States most humans are suckling on the nipple of victim Consciousness, let me repeat that they're suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness And in addition to that many women give their power away to men Many women give their power away to a man and what I simply mean is because you practically be an indoctrinated in the belief that men are the leaders of the relationship and you basically And I find so many women find that they they need Validation from the man and when they're not getting validation They turn into pointing the finger at the man and stating taking personal responsibility for their choices Again, this is differentiating between Victor consciousness and victim consciousness and again sadly But I I see this in the languaging of people all the time and it can be simple as saying and I've had The matter of fact, this has happened three times in the last week. I've had three women say I got dumped by a man I got dumped by a man. Well, you didn't get dumped The relationship ended. That's what happened the relationship ended. It wasn't happening to you It happened to the relationship But the minute we take it personally and we take no ownership in what happens That's victim consciousness and again, it's very subtle But here we I'm seeing Consistent victim consciousness and not taking ownership in what happened and the ownership can be simply yes A man ended the relationship. Okay, that's all that happened. He chose not to continue You have to look at your part in the relationship and maybe nothing happened. I get it But at the end of the day, it's not anybody's fault the fact that we point fingers at other people Remember when you're pointing a finger at someone, there's always three fingers pointing back and I suspect there were clues along the way You just chose not to listen a true victor in life looks at everything as a lesson and not as a outcome Okay as a lesson and not as a destination and we high value men and high value women Find it very attractive when someone is in their empowerment and in their victor consciousness and not victim consciousness Is this sinking in? I hope it is Number three and I said this was most important Is what I taught what what I call Fighting fair fighting fair and what I mean to say is and this is actually I was just talking about this with a friend the other day how so few So few humans when you're in a conversation with someone and there's a disagreement Learning how to fight there basically means is you listen to the other person's point of view on any particular subject That's happening if there's a disagreement you accept their point of view as being true for them I'm gonna repeat that you accept their point of view as being true for them instead of saying that your point of view is Right your point of view is right. I high value person an emotionally Mature person doesn't look at relationships or doesn't look at conflicts as about right or wrong It's looking at how can we be happy and yet sadly so many people are in that member They're in that victim consciousness and they're also in that righteous consciousness that they have to be right Instead of choosing to be happy and I can tell you when anybody is in relationship with somebody who they feel like they're always Right, that's not very sexy. That's not very super hot What's super hot is when you can accept my point I'm using me as the example here when you can accept my point of view is being true for me And I can accept your point of view is being true for you We can agree to disagree and what usually happens is somehow we find our way into the middle when you come at it from a place of confidence strength and The ability to listen to the other person and that is super important Because relationships are going to have friction They're going to have bumps in the road and it's truly important to learn the skill and again Sadly men and women alike are suffering They're suffering at this area and what I mean by suffering is they're very weak in this area of Relationship now ladies I know you tend to feel like you compromise yourself all the time for a man I get that's how you feel, but it's not very sexy to compromise yourself what's most important is to listen to the other person's point of view and You listen to their point of view and just accept it to be true. Okay? number four This is empathy now empathy doesn't mean Simply I can feel your feelings empathy is I also care about your feelings and We're going to take empathy a step further and you actually care about your own feelings Let me repeat that you care about your own feelings. I witness women do this Habitually is they compromise their feelings in relationships because they're afraid to speak up to a man They're afraid to speak their truth to a man for fear He's going to run away and I'm here to say that that is not sexy at all What is sexy is when you can speak your truth and do it in a kind way if you haven't read my book What the heck is self-love anyway? What the heck is self-love anyway chapter 1 speak your truth do it with Kindness and when you're with the right man the chapter 9 says when it's sincere and from the heart You can't say the wrong thing to the right person I'm gonna take a sip of coffee. Hmm. By the way, my cup says let that shit go let that shit go All right number 4 was empathy most important is empathy for yourself It starts with self it starts with the oxygen mask first on yourself and Just remember care about their feelings and also what's most important is you care about your feelings and by expressing your feelings That's a term that's also known as a boundary what's okay and what's not okay for you and quite thankfully boundaries are very Super sexy in relationship because it helps us guide one another into what we like and what we don't like and number 5 Transparency transparency and what I mean by transparency is to actually have a successful Relationship to people must be transparent with one another and what I mean to say if Something is material to the relationship Then it's very important that people speak up about what's coming up for them And yet sadly men and women alike are hiding their feelings They're hiding themselves from the relationship because they're a fear of disruption How do we get through how does a relationship get to the point of really being a successful relationship is by Overcoming those little bumps in the road and when one isn't transparent in relationship You can't build the deeper roots to trust the deeper roots to trust That actually forms a strong strong bond with another human being Most relationships are weak like this. They just fall apart I'm talking about like this and creating a strong bond and it's and it also requires being Transparent what I mean to say if it's material to the relationship you speak up to your partner Is this sinking in is this resonating? I hope it is All right, just to repeat those five things First your actions consistently matching your words number two you are you take personal Responsibility for your choices you have victor consciousness instead of victim consciousness Number three you learn how to fight fair which simply means you listen to the other person's point of view And you accept their point of view as being true for them and they do the same for you number four Empathy and again, it's not just feeling feelings. It's also caring about other people's feelings and most importantly It's caring about your feelings and number five is Transparency transparency if it's material to the relationship to speak up and these are five qualities that are super sexy and super hot to a man Or a woman when you're when you're beginning going down the path of An interpersonal relationship with another human being All right in a few moments. We're going to be taking questions But before I do I have a personal share because many of you follow me and you followed my last broadcast It was my last broadcast I shared with everybody that I did a plant-based medicine journey a plant-based medicine journey Hold one second Hold one second When I said plant-based medicine, I just want you to look at what these are I'm not going to say the word out loud But this is what the plant-based medicine that I took on Saturday Which happened to be the anniversary of my son's passing those who know me know my 19-year-old son. There's a picture of him Connor passed away three years ago on Saturday July 3rd and on his on that anniversary I did a plant-based medicine journey to go inward to ask Spirit to ask God to ask the universe for any messages that I Would you know need to hear and I came up with them? I actually posted something I wanted to share with everybody that you might find interesting because what came out of that experience was one of these things and I'm going to share this with everybody And I said death has a way of clarifying what matters death has a way of clarifying what matters On the anniversary of Connor's passing. I took a plant-based medicine journey to connect with my higher self without the overwhelming constraints of ego and fear Which medicine helps dissolve the context surrounding death came up and I had a profound experience for me And one of the messages was death clarifies what really matters most in life for me and maybe you as well For example, humans seem to make huge mountains out of molehills, especially in the dating process leading to victim consciousness Here's the thing unless you have to call a police a doctor Or an attorney everything that happens in our lives is an opportunity to choose love Everything in our life opportunity to choose love or fear fear includes judgment Comparisons guilt resentment and even shame These molehills that that happen in our lives from my perspective are an invitation to choose love for oneself and for everyone else While it's sad to witness such a divide amongst people, especially in the romantic relationship realm Romantic relationship realm My hope is that if I draw enough attention to the fear being expressed and experienced Maybe a shift in perspective will occur and love will be the answer most everyone is seeking Because as they say all we need is love Folks, I can't begin to tell you how profound this journey was And a reminder to love To have compassion to have forgiveness to stop pointing the finger at the opposite sex for everything goes wrong Because what matters most is our inner journey. This is why when I wrote my book what the heck is self love anyway It's a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work to shift the narrative from victim consciousness and blaming others and taking ownership in our lives because this is how we attract An amazing partner in our life when we become whole and centered within ourselves on a personal development self-help and spiritual perspective This is one of the reasons why I highly recommend reading the book the untethered soul by michael singer This is a fantastic book to connect to your higher self to those places that will take you To really being in your empowerment to be in your victor consciousness to be in that space And I can tell you Without a doubt it Sadly it took losing a child for me to appreciate what matters most in life And my hope is by sharing this with everybody you don't have to go through the experience I went through to have an awakening for yourself Now I know many of you by the way I'm going to make one last comment before I take questions because many of you write me such beautiful messages And I can't thank you enough. I just want you to know I am not perfect by any stretch of the means I have had I'm riddled with flaws. I'm riddled with insecurities even in the dating mating and relating realm I am not perfect. I have judgments. I have righteousness I have an egoic side to me Yes, there are times when I can even be narcissistic and what I mean to say is I might be myopic To what's going on in the world because I'm a human being just like you're a human being human beings Are riddled with stuff Because most of us are suffering on the inside in some way shape or form Centered around not feeling good enough feeling unloved and not feeling likable So I'm here to say we have a choice We can point the finger and blame others for our lot in life or we can take a stand for empowerment We can take a stand for our sovereignty and that's my invitation for everybody And my hope is that my message is a wake-up call for many of you to do the work I recommend tons of by the way. I've got a brand new book. I'm going to recommend. It's called personhood I just got it in the mail today. Haven't started reading it But this is the art of being fully human the art of being fully human by lee If you can see that Buscala, I hope I pronounced it right personhood check it out on amazon All right, it's time to take questions now So if you have a question, please post a comment write the word question and then post the question Or you can purchase a super sticker or super chat to post a question And again the funds that I collect there are going to a scholarship fund in the honor in the in honor of my son Connor it's a scholarship fund for Helping those who want personal development help. That's my goal is to use the funds for that All right, let's see what questions we have And I saw that we had a super sticker a moment ago Maria Maria writes You're a hard to find type of Jonathan, what happened? Well, it's not my birthday yet. Um But it's coming but thank you so much and thank you for the super sticker. I appreciate that all right Taking ownership of our shit is so powerful exactly venessa Pat says Love the man side of women's need love the man side us Women need to hear this. Thank you so much. You're very welcome pat. I appreciate that All right, let's see what questions we have. Oh, here we go desirate Question can you give examples of a person being transparent versus not an additional example of a person being in victor Consciousness. Okay, great question. So being transparent in the relationship What I mean is if something is material to the relationship, then it's important to be transparent about it now sadly, let me give you a Crude example you're on a dating site. You're talking to a man and he doesn't happen to mention that he's still married That would be an example of transparency Now a different example of that is that he might be separated but not divorced I think it's important to express the difference between separated and divorced that would be an example If somebody is having doubts within the relationship that they're having doubts I think it's important to express those doubts Be transparent about it now. We always can feel doubt that's that and I don't I mean But if there's a genuine doubt about being in relationship with someone then I encourage everybody to be Transparent and to speak up into that doubt that would be an example of being transparent In other words, if it's material to the other person another example would be if you have an std Being transparent about that a lot of people lie about those things as an example So these are just a few examples to demonstrate Transparency in other words if it can affect another human being then it's important to speak up Now victor consciousness basically means being in your empowerment and yet here Invictor consciousness means also being in your sovereignty. So Hang tight for a second everybody The other day I did a I did a video called the seven ways women give their power away to a man So let me just run these by you because these are a perfect example of not being in victor consciousness In other words, the relationship is on his terms And you're you abandon your standards and boundaries. You're afraid to speak your truth When the relationship ends you focus on what he did and not your own self You're waiting for him to constantly validate you Feeling like you can't live without him And you think he's the only person in your life that will ever have chemistry with these are examples of victim Consciousness and not victor consciousness because a true sovereign being Understands that when two people to get together in the in a car Okay, one person might say hey, can you stop the car or I mean see here's the thing Maybe a car isn't a good example of this. Maybe you're getting on to a roller coaster. Okay a roller coaster would be a better Example and one person says look, I need to have the roller coaster stop because I'm going to get off They're going to end the relationship Okay Here's the thing And we better ladies and gentlemen It's time to accept that the fantasy we all were raised in the whole Previous indoctrination of how relationships were doesn't exist anymore because women are no longer dependent Most women I should say are no longer dependent upon men For their survival most women are not so the old paradigm that used to be for centuries Or throughout millennium doesn't exist anymore because a woman can take care of herself So now we're in relationship under a whole new premise and the whole fantasy of how relationships should be Should recognize that today Most humans aren't very well suited for one another Because most humans lack emotional maturity This is why do you think couples therapists office are booming in other words? And what I mean by booming are flooded with couples Meeting help because most humans lack emotional maturity. This is why I highly recommend reading the books I talk about for example, how to be an adult in relationship how to be an adult in relationship along with reading the book This book is hugely important non-violent communication by marshal rozenberg Folks most humans are very poorly educated when it comes to understanding the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship This is why I continually recommend reading the book eight dates by doctors john and julie gotman Eight dates by doctors john and julie gotman if you don't understand the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship How can you actually be in a relationship with another human being and I witness ladies? You all think you're qualified to be in relationship Many of you are just as equally emotionally immature as men And I'm gonna repeat that many of you are as equally emotionally mature immature as men So stop pointing the finger at it always being the man's fault in relationship Whoo, that was a long answer to your question, but deseret. Thank you so much for that one. I appreciate it all right renae writes question Why midlife gentlemen are so set in their man egomantic attitudes when a female is transparent intentional speak their truth Why do some become silent? It's not ladylike to ask first Well, first off, what's this thing about ladylike? Let's okay. Let's eliminate the genders ladies Let's eliminate the penis and vagina You're a human being the reason why I want everybody to read the book personhood is he's a human and you're a human number one victim consciousness is making it about men Instead of making it about a human condition. Okay, what you're expressing here renae is a human condition And not a male condition, but the minute you point it out to men You're setting yourself up for failure ladies And so to continue with what she said Why do men go silent? um Because they're because quite frankly Dealing with human emotions is a very scary thing for men and women alike Dealing with human emotions is a scary thing for men and women alike So rather than judge the other person because we can judge them But let me just tell you something judgment isn't love Comparing other people isn't love That's not love when we judge them and compare them to other people What's truly loving is actually having compassion for the for other people Both having compassion for yourself and having compassion for other people It's a scary thing to address emotions with another person And if you're unskilled at it Like many men are as well as women are just as equally unskilled And I know you think otherwise ladies, but trust me This is equal to human beings women just might vomit their emotions more than men But it doesn't mean you're better skilled and you know how I know this Folks there's a tv show called couples therapy on showtime couples therapy on showtime Genuine true couples therapy sessions the women are just as bad at expressing themselves as men I repeat that the women the couples the men and women in the in the therapy sessions The women are just as bad as the men in expressing themselves Because most people just vomit their feelings men tend to be more silent women tend to vomit what I mean by vomit It's just like this Most humans don't know how to communicate. Well, this is why again I highly recommend reading this book nonviolent communication by marshal rosenberg Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know by giving me an amen And a thumbs up while you're at it. Thank you Great question. I appreciate that rena Sadie writes Jonathan i'm online dating and getting a lot of messages However, the men are all unattractive to me. Should I say yes and go out on some dates? Okay, Sadie This is true for men and women alike basically 99 out of every 100 people you will view on a dating app Most likely are not you're not attracted to them and guess what they're not attracted to you either There's going to be hundreds and hundreds of men. They're not attracted to you just like there's going to be hundreds and hundreds of Excuse me Men you're not attracted to okay, so that's just the reality of it now as far as saying yes to dates Here's the thing if someone listen unless they're missing teeth and got a beer gut the size of texas If he's a pleasant enough looking human being and he writes a nice message to you and you guys have a nice exchange Go out and meet them Now I would work now. Here's the thing I in my private coaching by the way if anyone's interested in private coaching check out the link in the description to schedule a free discovery call I teach you how to vet for emotional maturity and learn how to ask better questions In the early stages of dating and I can tell you most of you ladies are Terrible at asking the better questions. You're good at asking questions like what kind of car do you drive? Do you own a home? Do you have a good job? I'm being tongue-in-cheek silly But it seems like more people focus more on the superficial things they focus on here. Where's that? Most this is a picture of an iceberg an iceberg Can you see that that picture of the iceberg on the top? You see a little bit of ice and at the bottom there's all this at the top is chemistry at the bottom is shared values emotional maturity and Blendable lifestyle questions most of you are so focused on the top that you're not even thinking about the bottom The bottom represents compatibility and the top represents attraction My suggestion is focus on Focus on shared values blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity instead of the attraction piece Now I understand chemistry is important. Of course it is but ladies. Let me just tell you something Most humans believe that chemistry equals relationship success and that's the furthest thing from the truth Chemistry does not equal relationship success Shared values blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity has gives you the greatest chance for success when there is chemistry But most of you are focused on just leaning back into your feminine energy because the man is going to claim you And men are the leaders of the relationship and if this was so fucking true Why is it a dysfunctional mess out there? Ladies why isn't a dysfunctional mess out there because humans are riddled with negative patterns and limiting them beliefs in their life Because they're suffering on the inside because in many cases they haven't healed their childhood wounds and traumas Their childhood wounds and traumas that they're adult traumas This is why i'm such a big proponent of everybody doing the hoffman process the hoffman process This is a deep dive into healing Have you done the work? I can tell you a lot of you think you have if and many of you have said to me Well, jonathan, I don't have time to read a book Ladies if you don't have the time to invest about 150 dollars on all the books I recommend and give yourself one year to do some deep work To be in a position where you can be in a healthy happy relationship Then guess what the definition of insanity will sink in because you'll be doing the same things over and over again And expecting different results and i'm here to wake you up to trying in a different way Can you do that for me, please? I hope so All righty then let's see where we're at Bump bump bump. Oh wow. Sorry folks. We have lots of questions here All right. Catherine writes do men take the effort to get to know about us as much as we do them Catherine great question. So the answer is Men and women equally do a terrible job getting to know one another Let me repeat that men and women equally do a terrible job of actually getting to know one another because the dating process is So fucking superficial. It's all about let's just have a good time. You know what focus on having a good time You know what did you have a good time? Let's have a good time. It's all about having a good time Instead of being intentional by asking really good questions. I got to tell you something anyone that wants to date with me I've got a I've got an intense questionnaire a woman must complete if she wants to have a date with me I do it on the phone I rattle off all these questions because I don't have time to go get my car to meet someone If we're not on the same page now, I will tell you every dating coach will tell you Never interrogate never ask questions. Do not interview the stupid book. The rule said don't interview people I'm here to say fuck that shit Interrogate people and I say this with a little bit of tongue-in-cheek Tongue-in-cheek. I'm saying a little tongue-in-cheek and what I mean to say is Be intentional and ask better questions. Yes, it is an interview Process there you're interviewing them for the job of your boyfriend And we men are interviewed should be interviewing for the job of you being our girlfriend So your original question I'm here to say women are just as bad. I got to tell you something ladies I'm a single man out there I can tell you women are just as superficial and in their egoic entitlement just as much as men I've gone on dates where women haven't asked me one question and by the way folks I kind of have a cool job. You would think you'd want to ask me about it But I've I've witnessed women that all they did was talk about themselves Just like you women have witnessed men that all talk about themselves This is a narrative that is very frequent for both men and women alike and Catherine thank you for asking that question. I really appreciate it Okay Pat says sometimes I feel so humbled by your advice or take on or take on the answers Well, thank you. I appreciate that Tamara says I want to love myself and him unconditionally can the can that heal him and me So first example first off tamer you cannot heal any other human being You can be compassionate loving for another human being you can't heal another human being What you can do is always lead by example Now I will tell you this ladies a lot I'm going to tell you something the way a man gets to his heart is through a woman If it wasn't for a special woman in my life, we weren't able to go the distance But it was a great relationship for both of us In fact, we're still very friendly to one another But I think we both healed one another And I will tell you it took a woman for me to get to my heart where I'm at today So I'm going to suggest lead by example It may not be you may not be the right partner for them But if you continually lead by example, you will attract in a partner who hopefully will match you where you're at in your life I hope that helps. Thank you so much great question And please hit that like button everyone All right Joan says I spoke my truth at dinner the other day. It felt good to dive deeper I'm not waiting around, but I'm still on the path of self-development. My journey has a way to go Yay, Joan speak your truth to a guy. It's the only way ladies speak your truth. Do it with kindness Desiree says I'm reading nonviolent communication now way to go Catherine says Do men make the effort to learn? Oh, you've already already did that question. Thank you Grace says I somehow taught myself to step outside myself and I think about whether What I say or my mood portray me as poor victim It's been a useful tool. Yes Stepping outside of oneself and looking inward to say how am I contributing to what's happening in my life Again, how am I contributing to what's happening in my life taking ownership of everything? Pat says Feeling threatened by me taking care of him could be why he cheated I don't believe that's why it's it's an issue of threatening I think when two people are disconnected from one another, they oftentimes seek connection elsewhere when two people So it's not an issue of being see again. See that narrative. He was threatened by me Okay Now you could look at that as either I did something wrong or he did something wrong Okay, but that's not victor consciousness victor consciousness is to say, hmm You know what maybe we were disconnected from one another and maybe that was the reason why That person shows that it might be that they have a sexual addiction There might be a hundred other things, but there's always two people in an equation not one I know it doesn't feel that way But unless you have to call a doctor an attorney or a policeman There's always two people in a relationship not one. You have to look at your part At least that's my invitation And ronda says you have that correct jonathan. We're both at fault. Thank you All right maddie says question Have you read Investigative memoirs nothing personal my life in the dating app inferno yet I 100% know it's almost impossible to meet people sans apps after 40, but uh her info is scary No maddie. I'm not familiar with that. Now. I do want to say this folks Okay We are in a whole new paradigm because of online dating apps and that's not going to change Okay, it in fact, I suspect at some point We are now for people over 45 years old roughly 50% of all new relationships are happening through an online connection And during the pandemic most dating came through an online connection. So online isn't going away the problem with online Is we are no longer meeting people who live in our social circles that That know people that we know we're meeting total strangers. This is why betting Someone is so hugely important. This is why asking better questions is so hugely important By the way a link to a discovery call with me It will teach you again if you are ready to hire a coach if you're single and ready to find your Perfect guy. I'll help you along the way teach you how to ask better questions because Online dating now requires to be a detective Because we no longer are meeting people who we know Who know us who know our family who know our friends when we're meeting total strangers We have to interrogate people. We have to google people. We have to do background checks and don't be naive to this You literally have to investigate a person and what blows me away is how many of you will engage in conversations with men One two three four five six months long because they're long distance that you never meet you're wasting time The most here's the rule of thumb You have to be able to meet someone in less than three weeks Okay, you have to meet someone in less than three weeks preferably even shorter than that Have a short exchange via emails have a short exchange over the phone Ask some really good questions. Ask them for their ask them for their last name. Look at them on facebook You have every right to know as much about them before you Well, at least before the penis goes inside the vagina folks You have every right to learn as much as you can about another person And I suggest doing it sooner rather than later because guess what the minute you have chemistry Oh, you're fucked because you're going to go down the path only to find out that the wrong the wrong person Be more intentional ask better questions. That's my invitation for everybody All right Bump bump. I'm looking for some questions Kelly says I love men. I can't be anti in what I want Exactly ladies many of you are anti men and you wonder why you're having problems with relationship I'm going to tell you something. I had one client worked with me and I told her, okay I'll never forget this. We had just finished the coaching program Um And she was she was struggling for six months and finally she called me up After she'd gone through my boot camp that I have she called me up and said John if I'm really struggling meeting men and she was complaining about men and she was being negative about men And I told her the following. I want you to start singing the song. It's raining men Instead of it's raining high value men. It's raining high value men. It's raining. You know the song It's raining men while I add high value men she literally within 45 43 days of starting to sing the song regularly. She got a message from a guy on a dating app They went out on a date a week later They had one of those great five hour dates that turned into a date the next day in the next day in the next day Eight months later. They got engaged and I went to their wedding a year and a half after they met Simply by shifting her perspective by saying it's raining high quality men. In other words her negativity Was blocking her from attracting great guys And I invite you to start Changing that narrative because many of you are in a victim consciousness blaming men Instead of victor consciousness looking at men as being grateful for men folks We have to be grateful for one another stop hating one another and start loving one another That was the message I got from connor when I did them the this journey, okay Start loving on one another because love is the answer love for self and love for humanity. Can I get an amen? Thank you Ah Maddie says eight dates was a fantastic read. Thank you maddie ashton says Well said about women also being emotionally immature wanting a commitment is not synonymous with maturity Bump bump bump bump bump bump. Oh my god. That's exactly it ladies. Just because you desire Commitment maybe more than men doesn't make you any more Emotionally mature than men and I say this is a man out there ladies. You all think you're so emotionally mature I can tell you I mean most humans are have weak emotional maturity at best Joan says agree jonathan men and women alike. Thank you ominous says amen. Thank you Joan says amen Nora says amen. Thank you Vanessa says amen kitty cat says amen ronda says amen elaine says amen renais says amen All right, Joan says relationship should be equal. No one is in charge you know Look it I I'm in full agreement first off ladies. You are in charge of your relation Relationship destiny not men you are in charge of your relationship destiny not a man So you you get to decide how you want your life to be So when you approach it intentionally when you approach it from a place of curiosity when you approach it from a place of look You talk to a guy say look i'm looking for a fully committed relationship. What does that look like for you? Bump bump bump. I'm looking for a fully committed relationship. What does that look like for you? And then when you hear what he says find out if you're on the same page and then invite him to this Say i'm looking to co-create a juicy delicious relationship. I'm going to repeat that i'm looking to co-create Means it's not you in charge. It's not me in charge We're both in charge of making this happen. Is that something you'd like to explore? Once you've decided you want to spend time with one another Stop being so naive and stop giving stop expecting men to be the leaders of the relationship Ladies the most common search term on the internet is why are men commitment phobic? Why are men emotionally unavailable? If you know that this is the problem then start from the premise of shifting that narrative Because all you're doing is finding out why let's turn it around and shift the narrative for you by learning How to ask better questions schedule a discovery call with may speak alert how to do that Okay Kelly says Many women do have communication problems even with the same sex a kk a k a peer pressure exactly Thank you Nikki says please do not emotionally vomit imitation imitation again, okay I don't know what that means, but thank you Um Tatiana says may I ask your advice is for a woman who is looking for this kind of advice But interested in another woman would your advice on this video and past videos apply to them My advice is generic to men and women alike. It's simply human behavior All of the books I recommend are for men and women alike Yes, it applies to both um Jenny says personally if men and women would just grow the fuck up and get real with themselves before dating Here's the problem with that jenny and I understand where you're coming from Here's the thing Most human beings men and women alike adults are emotional children. They are emotional children Men and women alike be so here's the problem a child doesn't know that they're actually doing something That can affect another human being because they're emotional children. We are very Here in the united states. It's actually different in places other parts of the world But here in the united states most humans are Suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself We are a society here in the united states of incredibly co-dependent personalities This is why I highly recommend reading the book co-dependent no more Because the need for others to make us feel good about ourselves is part of the reason why Men and women are suffering on the inside so much So going back to your question. It's not here's the thing How can you know you're doing something wrong if you don't see it? If you're unaware It's like a telling a child don't touch a fire But they don't know that fire is dangerous and many men and women don't realize that they're actually hurting other human beings With their poor weak emotional skills Hmm the other thing is this most men and women dating today They want connection. They want companionship. They want sex, but they're not ready for partnership Let me repeat that. They're not ready for partnership. I highly recommend reading the book Mating in captivity by ester parel mating in captivity by ester parel She talks about what today's relationships are known as stable Ambiguity stable ambiguity what that means to say is that they're They're monogamous and exclusive But they're ambiguous to where this relationship is going because here's the thing of midlife Most men in particular are no longer on the hunt for a wife When a man is on the hunt for a wife as he is in his 20s and 30s He's looking for somebody to make babies with and raise a family He's intentional about the process the problem with midlife Is most folks are just seeking connection and companionship and sex without a destination And this is why the dating process is so fucking dysfunctional So it requires ladies if you want to have a fully committed relationship Then start being more intentional Again, read this book and here's the deal Before the penis gets to go inside the vagina by two copies of this book Give him a copy of the book and say let's read this together to decide if we're a good fit for one another But jonathan that will scare a man away Yeah, it will it's going to scare the wrong guy away Because when you're following this book all it does is temporarily get you the really shitty guys Because this is a manipulative way of approaching relationships Instead of the healthy way of approaching relationships by doing this Ladies, I highly recommend and by the way, I am getting so many emails from women thanking me for suggesting buying two copies of this book and giving it to the person that they're dating because they're now Having real conversations with men and they're actually developing something real Instead of the fantasy of just leaning back in your feminine energy because Feminine energy is always going to attract the perfect guy, right? Ha, yeah, right Okay Folks, you guys know me. This is just the way I I operate All right, let's see what other questions we have Oh Someone says I got I got the audible for myself. Okay, great Uh, jenny says nobody's penis is going in this vagina because I'm 54 on a sexual sabbatical an intentional one way to go Thank you um All right, I am the prize says there are people that look for commitment just to have kids and then later on in their marriage They really want somebody that they can actually enjoy That's that does happen for men and women alike. Yes All right Kelly says my ex was codependent that it scared me and he was trying to make me codependent and it was scary to hit me um No, thanks. My ex is 40 and still looking and I'm 29 wanting to be a business owner and a mommy Good for you. All right. Do we have a question? Oh, so Desiree says what do you mean by destination? Great question So here's the folks. I want to say something What's the perk? What's the point of dating? What's the point? What's the purpose of dating? The purpose of dating in my book is to explore being in a relationship with someone Now here's the thing you can be in a relationship with someone one month three months six months one year five years 10 years That you can be in a relationship that long My point of view on relationships is the purpose of a relationship is to explore partnership with one another And I give a relationship one year to decide if they're going to explore a partnership that's long term Or move on What's the fucking point of spending years with someone that doesn't want to go the distance with you? So i'm here to say if you're not exploring partnership together and that means teamwork building skills That means maybe even you know investing your financial resources together And a lot of people are afraid to do this after they've gotten divorced So this is why so many relationships are unstable. They're ambiguous because there's no solid foundation being built Because all you're doing is focusing on having a good time and being companions companions with one another connection with one another and sex but oftentimes For men, they're going to do it their way Because they're not intentional about being partners with someone And this is why so many of you ladies are frustrated because you're not getting what you want out of relationships So i'm here to invite you to establish your standard. What is your standard? So for example, i'm going to share my standard with everyone to give you an example My standard is simply this in the early stage of the dating once I I just once my Woman i'm dating and I decide that we want to be in relationship together I'd like us to spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interests spending time with family and friends Traveling together teamwork building skills, which includes our personal and our professional lives helping each other as a team with one another Intimacy which includes physical and emotional intimacy that leads to living together or getting married. That's my standard Okay, that's my standard. I set that up very Right from the beginning And if someone says well, I don't have enough time with that. I'm raising children. I've got work I've got yoga. I've got this and I've got that and I can give you one day every other week And I'm going to go well then we're not aligned with one another In fact, my kind of partner will want to do a journey with me So my point is Establish what your standard is and stick to that standard a boundary is sticking to your standard And if you're not with somebody who wants that standard as you have it Then choose somebody who does because magic fairy dust isn't going to change someone But Jonathan I have so much chemistry with this guy Yeah, he only wants to see you once every week every other week on his terms I don't care how great the chemistry is if you don't share the same values If you don't have blendable lifestyles if they don't have emotional maturity And if you don't establish what this looks like It's going to be very difficult to develop the roots to trust that's going to take this relationship To that level of being juicy delicious and healthy. Is this making sense? Is this resonating with you? Is this sinking in? Please let me know All right I will take a journey with you Jonathan way to go Ron. I appreciate that Alice says yay or yeah. Thank you Joan says I must be really lucky. I haven't had many problems with men way to go. Joan Because you most likely stand in your empowerment Listen folks. Don't take on other people's shit. Okay. Desiree ask Blendable great question. So folks I often talk about remember in my analogy on the iceberg It says here blendable lifestyles. So let me give an example of blendable lifestyles Okay Um, let me give you an example. Okay, so I'm Uh, I go to work from nine to five you go to work from five p.m. Till two a.m. So we don't even have I'm giving you an example where our lifestyles are slightly different You live in I live in Los Angeles. You live in New York Okay, and you're fully entrenched where you live in New York And I'm fully entrenched where I live in Los Angeles. It's going to be difficult to blend our lives together I'm just giving you extreme examples of what doesn't work You're raising children. You're with somebody who's an empty nester who doesn't want to raise children That's another example of lifestyles not matching if your lifestyles aren't able to blend together It's going to be very difficult to make a relationship work So you have to record you've got to look at a person's lifestyle and say how is their lifestyle in relationship to my lifestyle Because the fantasy of chemistry and love is not going to solve a lifestyle issue Blendable lifestyles is how you develop the roots to trust that take the relationship to the next level Is this sinking in I hope it is Thank you Catherine thank you for the super sticker Question Is it possible and or how to break through to and with a man with narc tendencies But shows true vulnerability sometimes wants to grow but is shut down now One and a half years engaged Great question. So by the way, every human being has narcissistic tendencies. Let me repeat that Every human being has selfish tendencies righteous tendencies entitlement tendencies. All right, by the way, hot folks I do okay, so I'm just going to say I do And most people do we can be myopic that's very common now people that have true vulnerability True empathy Absolutely can shift perspective. It requires doing the inner work I highly recommend everybody doing the book the Hoffman process To shift negative patterns and limiting beliefs in life that causes people to be stuck Yes, a man can do that and a woman can do that. You can't do it for them though. You can't do it for them Catherine thank you for your question. I appreciate it Kimberly writes question Why am I having such a hard time getting over my ex when I couldn't trust him? And he started drinking at 7 a.m. When we had amazing times and no arguing been two months Kimberley great question. Most likely there's two reasons going on So I want you to buy two books one is called attached by amir Levine and rachel heller And I want you to get getting the love you want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen hunt Okay, these two books attach will help you understand what's known as love attachment style Most likely you're attached to this person from either a love attachment style or Harvelle Hendricks is this book is talks about the amago what this is talking about is we tend to choose people much like our parents Because we're trying to relive an childhood need to Be loved by our parents. I read read those two books and I promise you You'll most likely feel a lot better after you read those two books I would just do a deep dive on those books right away and the sooner you get them done The sooner you'll be ready to move on Great question. Thank you so much Desiree says question. So if the lifestyles are blendable should a 10 to 15 year She year she gap matter either way whenever it's the woman or the man so attend you okay So attend to 15 years age gap By the way, I've been in relationship with women 10 years older than me Actually, I've been in relationship with a woman 12 years older than me not that long ago and women younger than me Here's the problem with age gaps. Sometimes it's a relatability issue. Sometimes there's value issues But ultimately age should not matter as much unless it's a reflection of your values and often remember I said shared values is so important oftentimes people that have an age gap sometimes don't share the same values In life and that can be the problematic problem in a relationship. So that's my invitation is look at your values Great question. Thank you so much Susan writes Hey, jonathan question Is it a good thing for a woman to be completely open and vulnerable to an online guy whom you've only texted yet? He loves you First off he doesn't love you that's such bullshit. You can't love someone you've never met Okay, you can be infatuated or you can have lust. Let me repeat that. You can feel limerence or lust. Hey google Hey google. Oh my phone isn't I was going to say what is limerence? Hey google. What is limerence? Oh, it's not coming up according to male clinic immune system Oh, it's it came up with immune system limerence means extreme infatuation. That's all he's feeling Okay, so and that's childlike behavior. That's childlike behavior So what's the point of being vulnerable to a guy that's acting like a child to children? Listen meet each other. See if there's a physical attraction ask really good questions Determine if you're fit for one another and then explore the process Okay, but don't be don't and by the way being vulnerable authentic and transparent is always a good thing So long as it's not divulging something that you feel is secret in your life I'm a big proponent of being vulnerable authentic and transparent with every human being Just so long as you're not divulging something that you would regret. That's all All right God we have great questions kelly says lustful infatuation. Yes Um Deanna says Jonathan you are making me feel so good about taking my time asking the right questions learning the new me The move is shortly. So we'll see how we blend the lives way to go deanna Uh, thank you, Joan. I'm strong and I'll be better. Okay All right, let's see All right, ola says you scare every guy away when you speak your truth guys don't want Guys don't want you to want them. They want to chase. They can't have chasing is a shadow for life That's my experience. Yes. Very immature people chase what they can't have let me repeat that Very immature people chase what they don't have I will never ever ever ever chase a woman Now that doesn't mean I won't invest in a woman But I'll only invest in a woman to the extent that she invests in me It's a two-lane street the book Basically what ola's talking about the book the rules. This is a bullshit way to manipulate people folks men who chase women You will temporarily have a relationship with them Temporarily relationship with most likely an incredibly dysfunctional human being Okay, it's very rare that a functional Emotionally healthy human being will ever chase someone only the immature Dysfunctional fucked up folks chase people. So yeah ladies go for it Have the guy chase you enter into a relationship and then when he dumps you in his dysfunctional Dense functionality sets in because you've been sitting back in your feminine energy Don't blame me because I have warned you folks do this work If you want to really read a great book instead of this stupid narrative of chasing Read the book if the buddha dated if the buddha dated this is a brilliant way to learn how to attract a great Partner in your life stop reading the book the rules and start shifting your narrative folks Because this stupid manipulative way this chasing way By the way, I know you've all been indoctrinated that men are the hunters. Yes. What do we hunt? Is this what we're hunting? I want to be in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship I want to be in a relationship. That's what I'm wanting No men hunt sex. Okay, that's the bottom line. We chase and hunt sex. Okay Now we might form a relationship with someone but only immature people chase and hunt sex. Okay Emotionally a mature human beings invest equally into the process of getting to know one another Let me repeat that they equally invest in the process of getting to know one another And this is why many of you are stuck because you have this expectation That men are supposed to chase you so you can feel good about yourselves I don't know how many by the way ladies I you I'm yelling because I witnessed this over and over again I had a conversation in my private group today How a woman was upset where a man where two people decided to meet And the man didn't call to plan the date and she got upset and my response was Did you reach out to him and ask him what was up? She goes no, I expected him to do it ladies You have to take ownership in your part had she had reached out and then he was didn't show up Then I would say Point the finger at him, but you didn't reach out either Both of you didn't reach out to one another Stop expecting men to be the leaders of the relationship because you know ladies you already know they're terrible at it Anyway, this is why I'm encouraging you to be in charge of your relationship destiny and not leave it to men Okay, I get riled up, but I think you can understand why All right, thank you Um Oops Jonathan your book just arrived yesterday. What the heck is self-love anyway and the one you always recommend by dr John Gottman. Thanks for the wonderful videos rosa. Thank you so much. I appreciate that Um Ola says men are immature and I'm gonna say women are immature too We've got to see this is victim consciousness pointing the finger at men If you can't say men human beings are immature, then you're a victim. I'm sorry. That's my take on it All right Desiree says I'm learning so much. Thank you Deanna says if the buddha data was a great book. Yes, I agree Joan says men are initially hunting sex exactly you all know this What do men think about on a first date? We think about sex. You guys know this All right Question by Catherine. So why are men so bad at leading at a relationship? Okay, great question Okay, remember when I said men in their 20s and 30s are in the hunt for a wife For someone to make babies with to raise a family in their 50s 40s 50s and 60s in the demographic I talked to midlife. Here's the problem We're dealing. Okay. We're dealing with What what's going on in his life? Does he have chaos going on his life? Is he going through a contentious divorce? Does he have alimony child support visitation rights? Does he have issues at work? Does he have health issues? all of these things make a weak foundation and Most people don't know what partnership looks like at midlife Because we were indoctrinated with a stupid tv show called the brady bunch now mind you that these are you know carol brady and Mike carol and mike they each had three children and somehow it magically they were able to blend their lives because carol Didn't have to work and go to work and she had a nanny alice taking care of everything Okay, that was the way we were indoctrinated into midlife relationships And that's the furthest thing from the truth because you're working You're dealing with your you've got your children and your life going on And because people don't know what partnership looks like And most men and women in their 40s 50s and 60s after going through a bad divorce By the way 75 of the population who's single and looking for love is divorced in their 40s 50s and 60s They're very reluctant to get remarried. So then what's the point if you're not see then they have nothing to hold on to So it's just spending time with another human being companionship connection and sex Without that route. It's very difficult to create this in relation folks. Let me ask you a question What happens to a tree in a hurricane wind that has no roots? Who ship blows away? Oops. I don't want to show my armpit stains A relationship needs to build roots and most of you do a terrible job Men and women like to a terrible job building the roots to a successful relationship because you're not following The book the eight dates All right Desiree says partnership. I needed to learn what that looks like. You know what folks? I'm going to pull up another book Okay, hold on a second This is a business book called The partnership charter the partnership charter how to start out in a new business partnership This is a business book But it's such a great book for how to decide how to be in Relationship with another human being Folks if you don't know how to develop partnership how the heck can you ever go the distance? And stop being so fucking naive because i'm yelling at you at the top of my lungs every week three times a week Saying the same thing over and over and over again, but you all expect different results. Stop it Maybe we all need to do this maybe we all need to do this Read this book Unfuck yourself Get out of your head and into your life. Maybe you all need to start getting out of your head and into your life ah All right Is this sinking in folks? Please let me know by saying amen. Please let me know by saying amen question Mary joe says question I feel ready for a relationship now and have read many of the book recommendations Are you suggesting online dating is a good first step? Um, here's the thing Actually, that's something in my mouth. Um it's not Quite frankly It's the only step because i'm going to ask every one of you How many of you get asked out by single eligible men on any given week from somebody out in organically? How often are you getting asked out? And I mean a legitimate asked out by the type of guy you want to go out with How often is this happening? Is it happening 10 times a week 50 times a week once a week or zero because if you're not being asked out in in organically, there's only one other option Because the whole meetup groups and going to grocery stores and everything else that barely ever fucking works It's a great It's a great narrative for people to tell you but we don't even go to bars anymore. God I remember in my 20s. We used to go to bars to pick up chicks. That doesn't happen anymore By the way, all of you are saying never not often never not often. Yeah, that's how often organically So all we have left is online most likely in the next 10 years 60 70 or 80 of all first dates will happen through an online connection for the and by the way for people over 45 years old It's probably going to be up as high as 90 percent is probably where it's going to be in the next 10 years That's just the reality of life because we ain't meeting people organically Shirley says I'm dating a workaholic He loves his job as I do Now value my time with family and friends any suggestions in communicating prioritizing me without sounding needy Um, I would per I would prefer you establish. What is the standard you're looking for relationship? Express your standard with him. For example, my standard is we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities Hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends traveling together all that kind of stuff. That's my standard Establish what your standard is express your standard. See if he'll match that standard If not, you either come to a compromise or you move on. That's my suggestion Does that help surely? I hope it does Irene says even at bars, nobody talks. I know I go to bars and by the way folks I don't walk up to a strange woman at a bar unless she gives me the big come over here You know green light. She drops the hanky because I don't want to walk up to a stranger All right, kelly says dating is that you you date to vet if you don't like someone is while dating leave it alone agreed Ah By the way, thank you all for the amens. I appreciate it Catherine says I had a horrible experience with online But because of you because but because as you say jonathan, I didn't ask the right question So the issue wasn't online dating. The issue was you didn't ask the right questions All right All right Joan says, please keep yelling it gets through. I was raised with very loud parents So Thank you joy says what has what has been the biggest factor to move us into fear of dating and away from curiosity about each other um I'm going to say joy online dating has bastardized The dating process. It's a great. It's you know, it's two-fold like anything It has a blessing and a curse the blessing is you get access to people you wouldn't have access to on your regular, you know during your you on a regular basis The curse is what's known as the paradox of choice the paradox of choice There is now a belief that because we can swipe to so many people that we believe we have a perceived believe of choice The problem is with too many choices people can't make a decision Men and women alike and the minute something doesn't go right with someone There's this belief that there's always somebody around the corner now Technically, there is always someone around the corner, but it's as easy as a swipe away. That's the fantasy. So Online dating is a blessing and a curse you just have to and that's why I teach in my private coaching How to ask better questions so you can utilize the online dating process more effectively Then the haphazard way of just waiting for men to reach out and just praying that he's not going to be some axe murderer And i'm kidding about the axe murderer All right Hey, you know what folks? Um, it's a little bit past the hour. There are so many great questions here Um Kelly says yes too many choices for men and women. I agreed You know, I think this would be a good place to wrap up for the day Hey before I wrap up. I just want to repeat those five unique qualities High value men find super hot number one actions matching words number two taking personal responsibility for choices number Three fighting fair number four empathy for self and others in transparency I want to thank you all for allowing me to enter your life today I also want to thank you for allowing me to share a little bit of my personal life and my experience That I had on this journey recently with connor My hope is we all begin a practice a personal development self-help and spiritual work Just like I outlined in my book what the heck is self love anyway I'm a big proponent of doing spiritual work to get connected with self because self love is putting the oxygen mask on yourself first And the more you love on yourself the less you're hyper focused on needing someone else to fulfill yourself And my invitation for every one of you is to love on yourself so much That you don't need a man to love you and then a great guy will come into your life Or a great person will come into your life. And that's my invitation for all of you I want to thank you all so much. And this is a time I'm going to say goodbye I'm seeing all the thank yous from kelly ronda. Erica kelly kimberley Thank you so much. And that's a good time to give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug And I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay And I'm asking you to turn to someone or a pat or a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now