 We are pregnant! Okay. You scared? I'm scared. Let's take a seat over there. We're pregnant. I have wanted to share with you guys every step of the way but it is a very big challenge for me not to utilize this platform as like a personal diary or as a therapy session so I always try to understand and go through things first before I explain them to you so I'm not freaking you out or you know sharing emotional alarmist information and if I would have made this video a month ago it would have been interesting so we're going to tell you about those interesting times now that we have gotten through some of the harder parts and we're so thrilled to share this news with you to everybody who has been on this journey with us to everybody who's been supportive thank you for being a part of our family because right now as good as my yo it wasn't so we're going to have a baby yeah what was your first reaction for a while I didn't think it was possible to get pregnant you know what it is and this is something that really? yes wow Jared it took us a minute it took us six months yeah I think the statistic and I'll pull this up is 40% will get pregnant the first month and then it's like 50 and it keeps going up up until by six months 80% of couples should have conceived yeah so we were really hitting up against that statistic and so I'm grateful that you this entire time even that we did you just been so nonchalant you're taking the pressure off of it but because my biological clock is ticking because I'm the one who's spent the past 16 plus years taking some form of birth control yeah I just had more anxiety around if this was possible for me so when it's hard to say it never crossed my mind really? no it never crossed my mind that you would not be able to conceive it just never I always felt like it crossed some people in your family's mind who? I'm not gonna say names but like we were out of Thanksgiving and somebody kind of made a comment to me like who? win at Thanksgiving okay yeah off the record if we edit out who? it's fine it's people saying things out of love they're you know they're trying to but it is frightening and at the end of the day I got so much comfort out of what you said in the last video oh we don't have a baby the way that we saw or that my mom did or with it I expected to have it that I'm going to feel not as magical a lot of people can have a baby but it's very hard to raise a kid so that should be the focus like how magical did you raise that kid? if we fast forwarded we got pregnant February the 19th is when I found out my period wasn't actually due until the 25th or 26th so we still had a bit of a ways to wait to ensure that because a lot of miscarriages will happen when your first period happens so a lot of people don't even necessarily know that they did miscarry because it's just they had a heavier period so we had to be you know on the lookout for a chemical pregnancy and by the same time it was great because it gave us this sort of like every day felt like Christmas yeah when I looked back on that like just peeing on the stick every day darker and darker and more and more real and getting closer to the date and just feeling more real there wasn't this whole coronavirus pandemic scare happening at the time so we just got to live in the joy of the pregnancy I'm so grateful that you throughout this have just been optimistic and easygoing about it maybe there's something to be said about you not personally getting pregnant so it's not your body so the stress is less and the hormones are different but also to you definitely are more of a relaxed person your quote that I always get credit for oh yeah but I did not do that I worried the entire time and mainly because so week 5 so about a week after my missed period is when COVID hit not even that I started having those terrible symptoms so I was at work for sexology so I had really bad cramps to the point that I was up all night there was one day that I was working that I probably slept 3 hours maximum and I remember you know, obviously reading all the forms and researching and I was up all night reading and I was like cramps are a sign of miscarriage and so I was like ok and then I started to spot as well too it wasn't bright blood it was like a brown sort of tannish blood but every time I went to the bathroom I would spot and then I went to work and I had whiteouts where I would almost have these like hypoglycemic attacks or I'd be standing up and I would start to see white spots and I couldn't eat at all I felt really sick I started to get back pains and if you've ever been pregnant before you've probably read miscarriage symptoms and check check check check I see myself as somebody who always eventually gets what I want but I have to go through the hard route first it has to be difficult there has to be obstacles there has to be failure like my whole life has been that story so when I was seeing myself as miscarrying I was like well this makes perfect sense I struggled to get pregnant and now the first success we have is not going to work out I mean well before we went to the doctor that's when COVID-19 hit and that was just like another added layer of stress because then it was like ok if Shana Shana or I got sick what does this mean for the baby especially this early in when it's developing like how can it survive that something that we're not even aware of or understand and so it was just like super stressful every time I went to the grocery store every time I went out there was like a layer of guilt there was a layer of like I don't know it was just scary and then we went to the hospital which was the worst thing in the world because we wanted to go and see if the baby was ok and we went to the hospital knowing that everybody with COVID is going to the hospital so it's just like and then they wouldn't let me into the hospital to see if the baby was ok Shana had to FaceTime me and even in that first doctor visit she recognized the spotting she said that there is some internal bleeding that is happening and that we should take a watch out for it because that is a sign of miscarriage so it was just like we left the doctor with no peace other than the fact that we saw the baby had a heartbeat yeah the baby had a heartbeat but then I got to a place where I was just kind of like it's not worth it it's not fun and it just doesn't go with anything that I'm about I'm all about taking everything face value for what it is and experiencing it for now and I found that like I was robbing my joy thinking of all the negatives and it didn't change whether it was going to be positive or not if my attitude towards it didn't change whether you had a baby or not and so you know that's kind of how like my mindset was and it was just kind of like let go of that worry and because right now the test is right now the test is saying positive so experience that enjoy that have fun in that and tell yourself that you are pregnant now until somebody or something tells you that you're not yes the day that we were going for our week 8 ultrasound and up until that point I had the spotting I had the cramps um the one good thing that I had going for me is that I felt like complete shit and my breasts were so painful that if a breeze went by I would have sworn that they would have fallen off like they just ached and hurt so so bad so that as long as you don't feel well that is a sign that you are still pregnant they say that one of the things to watch out for is when all pregnancy symptoms subside but the day of the appointment you're just sort of faced with this like we could really and again I've read so many different forums which in many ways is helpful and maybe some ways is not helpful I think it is it is helpful because you just have to be aware of the realities and I'm not somebody who benefits from the mind frame that well that's their story not mine I never think of myself as the exception not the rule so I'm like if that could happen to this person it could happen to me in the forums they said that a lot of people and they found that baby had no heartbeat and it had just stopped growing like you said so I remember that day not being excited about this appointment at all I was terrified and so I was on the stairs bawling my eyes out and you know you had said to me that line of no matter what happens in the future nothing will ever change that you are pregnant right now this very moment you have a life inside of you that depends on you that wants you to be happy and optimistic and healthy and the future is something separate nothing no matter how bad it gets and I can't promise you a perfect future but I can promise you that you are pregnant right now here in this moment reality versus expectation of having a pregnant woman around um no this is all reality it's all this exactly what I thought it was going to be um they don't do much um they can't do much um and they say a lot um so so yeah I think Shan gets very tired very quickly um and yeah it's just it exposes the weaknesses in the household when the woman gets pregnant it exposes how dirty the man is it exposes how uh you know the household just kind of gets a little reckless it doesn't help that we're in quarantine but um when Shan got pregnant it seemed like our house got an explosion so I don't really know what happened there but um but yeah so I just would say everything you thought it would be probably what it is um and I know it's probably only gonna get worse I think it's gonna get better ah I think it's gotten better no because it's it made yes it has gotten better but you're not showing it's probably gonna get worse because I'm gonna physically see you being pregnant so when that is happening I'm gonna to I'm going to want to uh do more I'm gonna want to be like stay out of it sit down I don't think that a pregnancy can get any worse than it was and we actually have that's so naive I know it's naive but Jared I've never experienced anything worse in my life and you haven't experienced further down the line that's what I mean up into it if I if it gets worse they say first is the worst like I never felt which probably isn't that bad because after week nine I started to get reprieve so I'm gonna say yeah from weeks five to nine constant never-ending suffering I remember we got into this argument because you and me went for a walk and I was like really out of breath and really tired and Jared said to me like what why are you so tired I didn't say it like that I was joking can I tell you I didn't say it like that how steaming mad I was completely steaming mad and I think that a lot of that comes from the hard part comes from the hormones for sure I definitely have cried a lot and felt a lot more rage than I usually do but when you're in the first trimester and you're experiencing so many symptoms of pregnancy but nobody can physically see that on you you just don't get the same sympathy you don't get the same acknowledgment you did pick up the slack and do all the housework and you did rub me and you we can even talk about the sex that was out the window you just like accepted that and never put pressure on me to be anything but what I was capable of being that given day so I think that but I don't think you could ever fully understand what it was like for me yeah no I agree with that so then that's your reality was it what you expected was it reality versus what was the question way worse than I expected okay there's no way you just honestly and maybe you're not supposed to and I think the reason why people announced second trimester is because like one could talk about it in past tense two it's just like a different energy you know cause you can get through it and I'm alive and I look fine and like I'm fine and I'm through it but like when you're really in it and you're feeling so bad week five and someone says to you by week 14 you'll feel better I am 10 weeks pregnant today holy fuck how has this experience changed your perception of our relationship it hasn't really changed the perception of our relationship to be honest with you it's changed the perception of your family in a weird way because you know I guess there's something different to be like the father-in-law or the mother-in-law or like the sister-in-law there's like a connection or like a tie to it but it's not really a tie but now you're the grandfather to my kid or you know now it's different I just feel like we're into a different level you know with your family but what you I don't feel like it's like made it to I felt like the same I felt like you're my life partner from before and now it just reassures that you know but it doesn't really change the perspective of the relationship what about you I think I've just grown in appreciation today I was listening to that gospel song never would have made it oh yeah and I was just in tears okay because it's how I feel about you it's just I can't put that up why it is it's talking about God it doesn't I mean we have our belief system in God but I honestly the love that I have for you is the closest I can compare to that kind of love yeah what you are to me who you are in my life how I feel seen by you the appreciation that I feel the self-love that I feel in reflection to how you love me like that's why that song makes me feel like this is talking about what we share yeah what you're doing is incredible you're growing a life it's a miracle it's super hot super sexy and and I'm glad that you're having our child I think it's gonna be exciting I'm glad that you're glad that I'm having our child I'm grateful I'm happy I'm very grateful for your sperm too