 The Jack Benny program, presented by Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, get better taste. Be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. Lucky's taste better. So mild, so smooth, so firm and fresh, with better taste in every puff. Yes, Lucky's taste better. For Lucky's fine, mild, good tasting tobacco. Goes into the cigarette, proved the best made of all five principal brands. Let me repeat that, proved the best made of all five principal brands. That's not an empty claim. That's a fact, verified by leading laboratory consultants. For example, Foster D. Snell of New York City, who report, In our opinion, the properties measured are all important factors affecting the taste of cigarette smoke. We conclude that Lucky Strike is the best made of the five major brands. And don't forget, L.S., M.F.T., Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine, mild, good tasting tobacco. There's no substitute for fine tobacco. And don't let anybody tell you different. So remember the facts. Enjoy fine, mild, good tasting tobacco in the cigarette that tastes better. Lucky Strike. When you buy cigarettes, remember, Lucky's taste better. Be happy, go Lucky, go Lucky Strike today. Strike program starring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, the sportsman, Quartet and yours truly, Donald. Ladies and gentlemen, as you all know, in the Rose Bowl game on New Year's Day, Illinois scalped the Stanford Indians. So now we bring you a man who could use one of those scalps, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking and Don, you can stop vibrating because that was the worst two-page joke I ever heard. Not only that, but it was in very bad taste. Bad taste? Yes, I don't mind for myself, but it so happens that the Stanford coach, Chuck Taylor, really wears a two-page. Now wait a minute, Jack. I talked to Chuck Taylor right before the game. He's 31 years old and he definitely has his own hair. That was before the game. But when Illinois scored their first touchdown, his hair started to go. By the end of the third period, it was piling up on the ground and all through that fourth quarter, it just laid there and turned gray. But Don, that was really some game, wasn't it? That certainly wasn't. Jack, I heard you were sitting right on the 50-yard line. How'd you get such a good seat? Well, Don, it wasn't easy. You see, even though I've lived in California for the past 15 years, I was born in Waukegan. So in order to get tickets, I called Governor Stevenson of Illinois. Oh, and he got you the tickets? Well, no. You see, he couldn't do anything for me personally, so he called Governor Warren of California. Well, it was nice of Governor Warren to give you the tickets. Well, he couldn't do anything for me either, so he called Mr. McMillan, the city manager of Pasadena, who got in touch with Nancy Thorn, the queen of the Tournament of Roses. Oh, the queen got you the tickets. Tickets? Well, not exactly. Well, then how'd you get in? I was the third princess on her right. I not only saw the game, but tonight I've got a date with the Stanford Center. You know, the way he raved over my blue eyes, I didn't have the heart to tell him. Don, who were you rooting for at the game? Jack, I didn't want to show any partiality, so I got a seat on the Stanford side and a seat on the Illinois side. Don, how could you possibly sit on both sides of the... Oh, oh, of course. And, Don, weren't you disappointed when you weren't picked as the winning float? I would have won, but I was sabotaged. Oh, yes, yes. Well, better luck next year. Hiya, Don Seaton. Well, hello, Phil. Hello, Phil. Don and I were just discussing the Rose Bowl game. Were you there? No, not this year. Well, you must have watched it on television. I started to, Jackson, but I turned it off. Phil, how could you turn it off? It was a wonderful game. I know, but I just couldn't take it. What do you mean? Look, Jackson, it's New Year's Day. I'm laying there with my eyes bloodshot, an ice bag on my head, the room spinning, and some character keeps yelling, look sharp, feel sharp, beat sharp. I don't think sharp would have cut my throat. You've celebrated you had your fun out. It's time to work. The least you could have done is to see that all your boys showed up. What are you talking about? The band's here. Where's Remly, Sammy, and Bagby? Your hoodlum section is missing. Hoodlum section? I'll hold it, Jackson. I don't think it's very nice the way you go one week after we consultin' those three boys. They may not be college graduates, but they come from good families. They're sensitive, refined, and perfect gentlemen. And it's your fault that they're not here today. My fault? Yeah, if you'd have paid me more money, I could have bailed them out. Phil, they're in jail? What for? Cross the street in the middle of the block. Now, wait a minute, Phil, they can give you a ticket, but they can't put you in jail for walking across the street. On their hands and knees? Alright, Phil, I'll give you the money. Call up and get the boys out. Okay, thank you. Hand me that phone. Imagine crossing on their hands and knees. Hello? Hello, is this the Lincoln Heights jail? Fine, Captain, fine. Look, I called up about three of my boys. They're on the county again. Which one? The three with the tire marks on their backs. Those, I already released them. Well, what about the bail? I charged it to your account. I thought I was overdrawn. Hey, Phil, would you send someone down to pick up their belongings? Their belongings? Yeah, when we arrested them, one of them was carrying a piano. I know it, I know it. One bottle opener and they got to nail it to the sign way. I'll see you later, Captain. Alright, so long, Phil. Hey, it's all set, Jackson. They'll be back next week. And I just hope that you'll treat them a little nicely. Oh, I will, Phil. I will. Who knows, maybe the... Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Well, you're here. Now, where's Dennis? I don't know. He hasn't come in yet. Well, how can we go on with the show if the cast doesn't get here on time? Oh, Jack, don't be mad at Dennis. I happen to know something that you don't know. Well, don't tell me. Let me guess. It's about Dennis, huh? I know. He's running for president. Besides that. What? Jack, this is something you won't believe. Alright, what is it? Well, all of a sudden, Dennis got a big crush on me. Dennis has a crush on you? Yeah. Ever since last week when I danced with him at Charlie Foy's nightclub, he's been sending me notes and little gifts. Dennis has been sending you gifts? What did he give you? Oh, a lot of things. His Boy Scout knife, a bag of marbles, three bottle caps, a ball of tin foil, a fish hook, and a dead frog. Mary, you mean Dennis gave you all those... Mary, what's that you're wearing on your leg? His bicycle clip. We're engaged. Well, isn't that cute? So Dennis thinks he's in love with you, huh? Yes, and Jack, do me a favor, will you? When he comes in, don't kid him because he's so serious about... Oh, shh, here he comes down. Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Dennis. Hello, Don. Hello, Phil. Hello, Dennis. Dennis, I said hello. Mary, don't make it so obvious. Obvious. All I said was hello. I know, but look at how you're trembling. Dennis, you're imagining things. She's not trembling. What are you trying to do? Break us up? No, I'm not trying to break you up. Hey, Mary, come here a minute, will you? I want to look at you. Well, all right, Dennis. Gee. Gosh. Well, what is it, Dennis? To think that you'll soon be my wife and babe will be my brother-in-law. That's nowhere's on this page. Well, we had written there. I know that. I don't want to break up your romance, but for two weeks now, I've been anxious to see death of a salesman. So do you mind if I ask your fiance, Miss Livingston, to go with me tonight? Hey, you're wasting your time, kid. Oh, I am, eh? What about, Mary? Would you like to see death of a salesman? Oh, I'm sorry, Jack, but I already saw it. With whom? Dennis. Oh. Thank you, Mr. Benny. But you saw it with Mary. Who looked at the pictures? Dennis, do me a favor. Will you go ahead and sing your song? Oh, okay. The game's sung by Dennis Dayan. Very good, Dennis. Thanks. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Oh, Mr. Benny, I want to congratulate you. Congratulate me? Yes, Radio and Television Daily took a poll and you have voted Radio's Man of the Year. Well, thank you, Dennis. Don't thank me. I voted for somebody else. All right, now behave yourself. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, we're going to present a sketch based on one of Radio's most popular dramatic shows, Suspense. Now, in this sketch, I will play the part of... Oh, darn it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny, this is... Rochester, I was just starting my sketch. What do you want? I thought you might like to know a friend of yours from War King and just phoned from the Union Station. A friend of mine? His name is Cliff Gordon. Cliff Gordon? Why, Rochester, he's one of my best friends. We grew up together. He said you and he were going to the same hospital on the very same day. That's right, Rochester. How did he sound? Well... Well, what? Either you're over 39 or we had a very... Never mind. Anyway, that's Cliff for you. The minute he gets in, he calls me. I hope you told him he can stay in the guest room. Yeah, but he said he was going to the built more. But, Rochester, we have the extra room. Why doesn't he stay with us? I guess it was my fault, boss. What do you mean, your fault? At first, I didn't know he was your friend. I had quoted him tourist rates. Mike DeSalle set them for us. Well, Rochester, when did Mr. Gordon say he was coming over to visit me? Tonight, about eight o'clock. Oh, darn it, and I wanted to see death of a salesman. Oh, well, I can see it some other time. Goodbye, Rochester. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. Now what? They just brought back your Maxwell. Good, but why did it take so long? Well, it took four days to take off the roses and two days to drive it back from Pasadena. All that trouble and no prizes. Well, so long, Rochester. Ladies and gentlemen, as I started to say for our feature attraction tonight, we're going to present our version of one of radio's most popular shows, Suspense. Set the scene, Don. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we will usher in the 1952 season by presenting a sketch fraught with drama and excitement. And well calculated to keep you in... Suspense. I had 21 children, because at one time I hated my wife and wanted to lose her in the crowd. Only until that fateful day that changed my humdrum life into a tale. Well calculated... It was a wonderful breakfast, dear, but I must leave you now and go to work. I'll be waiting for you, darling. I can't wait to return. I'll be counting the hours. I'll be counting the children. Good, good. That reminds me, you better wait Phillip up. I don't want him to be late for school. Oh, here he is now. Good morning, Phillip. Good morning, Mother. Good morning, Dad. Something always happened to me when he called me Dad, but I take a little bicarbonate. Phillip, have you given any thought to the future? Yes, I have, Dad. Good. What do you want to do when you grow up? I want to lead an orchestra. Oh, so you want to be a musician? No, I just want to lead an orchestra. But Phillip, leaving an orchestra would be a waste of your talents. You are a great student. You are an educated fellow. You are a five-beta kappa. I am? That's right, son, you am. And you're destined for greater things than... Here's your school books and your lunch, Phillip. Thank you, Mother. Did you prepare something nice for lunch? Yes. Two chicken sandwiches, an apple, a banana, and your thermos bottle is filled with milk. Milk? Yes, milk! This is a sketch. Now hurry, or you'll be late for school. Goodbye, Mother. Goodbye, Dad. And I do mean Dad. All of my children left for school, and it was such a beautiful day that I decided to walk to the bank. In fact, as I walked along with the sun shining in my face, my heart was so filled with joy, I started to sing. I wish I was a swinging, clinging vine. I wish I was a swinging, clinging vine. If I was a swinging, clinging vine, I'd only cling to the gallow mine. I wish I was a swinging, clinging vine. I hope that, indeed, tell you what I'd like to be. I hope that, indeed, here is what I dream I'd like to be. I wish I was a good, old, lucky strike. I wish I was a good, old, lucky strike. If I was a good, old, lucky strike, I'd be the cigarette you like. I wish I was a good, old, lucky strike. I hope Italy D, tell you what I'd like to be. I hope Italy D, oh lucky strike is what I'd like to be. I wish I was an LSMFT. I wish I was an LSMFT. If I was an LSMFT, I'd be so very proud of me. I wish I was an LSMFT. I hope Italy D, tell you what I'd like to be. I hope Italy D, an LSMFT I'd like to be. I wish I had a match somewhere on me. I wish I had a match somewhere on me. Because if I was an LSMFT, I'd take that match and light up me. I wish I had a better voice on me. I hope Italy D, if I was an LSMFT, I hope Italy D, everyone could take a puff on me. I wish I had a hundred million friends. I wish I had a hundred million friends. If I had a hundred million friends, I'd show them I had no loose ends. I wish I had a hundred million friends. I hope Italy D, tell you what I'd like to be. I hope Italy D, an LSMFT I'd like to be. But but this is a ten thousand dollar bill. I know it's the smallest I got Okay, I'll change it. Would you like to change in thousand dollar bills hundreds fifties twenties tens or fives? I want it in pennies You you want ten thousand dollars in pennies why I got five hundred piggy banks for Christmas I Complied with his request also sorry that I gave him that joke Thousand dollars worth of Aristotle think Hell is treasure in my hand Suddenly a harmless thought struck my family have never seen a ten thousand. Hello darling. Oh quick come in shut the door All right darling now. I want to talk help me close the windows They're closed now darling wait wait help me open the air wick air week. What's the matter? The shrimp boats are coming That's not important now darling. I have a surprise for you for me to dad Yes, for you too Philip. Oh for heaven's sake Philip. Must you always go around with your pants dragging? I can't help it mother I don't have a belt or anything to keep them up with why Philip to hear you talk a person would think I don't make enough money to Keep you in suspenders Stupid hoodlums Section dear something. I want you all to see Philip is here call the rest of the children. Okay, Sam Peggy Hilda Milton George Ada Marie Ellen John Hiller Jeanette Bonnie Jean Steven Terry Harriet Albert Julius Crencho Pico and Sepulveda They kept crossing each other Aristotle think the children all here darling now tell them about your surprise. Okay now listen you little things I Want to show you this it's a ten thousand dollar bill here take it Philip why aren't you looking at the ten thousand dollar bill? I don't mean nothing to me. I've seen them before you have yeah There's a little blonde in my class name Alice who's loaded with All right children. Give me back the bill children Children you sent for me sir. Yes. Do you know that ten thousand dollars is missing from your accounts? Yes, sir. Did you take it? Yes, sir. Do you think that was nice? No, sir. Well watch it next time But I didn't steal it sir. I only took it home to show it to my wife and kids I know you didn't mean to steal it, but it's out of my hands now. There's a police inspector outside Miss Jones send the inspector in Suddenly the door opened and the policeman walked in carrying a pair of handcuffs. He walked over to us and said okay Put these on fatso not me. He's the guilty one. Oh Are you a think? Yes, what's your name? You just said it a thing. Well, why do you think think you're going to the clinic? Come one step nearer and I'll stab you. Oh God. He's got a knife. Don't be a fool put down that knife Oh, yeah, take anything. Oh, yes, you have and I'm gonna stab you too. Please taste better friends LS Mft lucky strike means fine tobacco fine mild good tasting tobacco There's no substitute for fine tobacco and don't let anybody tell you different. Yes Lucky's taste better for lucky's fine mild good tasting tobacco goes into the cigarette prove the best made of all five Principal brands. Let me repeat that prove the best made of all five principal brands That's not an empty claim. That's a fact Verified by leading laboratory consultants For example rolling in Robertson of Richmond, Virginia who report it is our conclusion that lucky strike is the best made of these Five major brands friends to get the facts that you as a smoker will want to know about cigarette quality To learn the plain simple truth about the important factors that affect the taste of a cigarette Send for your free copy of a new booklet. What makes lucky strike taste better? Just drop a card to lucky strike post office box 99, New York 46, New York That's lucky strike post office box 99, New York 46, New York Good night folks. This is the CBS radio network