 CHAPTER 18 A STORY TITLED JEEVES TAKES CHARGE Now touching this business of old jeeves, my man, you know, how do we stand? Lots of people think I'm much too dependent on him. My Aunt Agatha, in fact, has even gone so far as to call him my keeper. Well, what I say is, why not? The man's a genius. From the collar upward he stands alone. I gave up trying to run my own affairs within a week of his coming to me. That was about half a dozen years ago, directly after the rather rummy business of Florence Cray, my Uncle Willoughby's book, and Edwin, the Boy Scout. The thing really began when I got back to Ysby, my uncle's place in Shropshire. I was spending a week or so there, as I generally did in the summer, and I had had to break my visit to come back to London to get a new valet. I had found Meadows, the fellow I had taken to Ysby with me, sneaking my silk socks, a thing no bloke of spirit could stick at any price. It transpiring, moreover, that he had looted a lot of other things here and there about the place, I was reluctantly compelled to hand the misguided blader, the mitten, and go to London to ask the Registry Office to dig up another specimen for my approval. They sent me jeeves. I shall always remember the morning he came. It so happened that the night before I had been present at a rather cheery little supper, and I was feeling pretty rocky. On top of this I was trying to read a book Florence Cray had given me. She had been one of the house-party at Ysby, and two or three days before I left we had got engaged. I was due back at the end of the week, and I knew she would expect me to have finished the book by then. You see, she was particularly keen on boosting me up a bit nearer her own plane of intellect. She was a girl with a wonderful profile, but steeped to the gills in serious purpose. I can't give you a better idea of the way things stood than by telling you that the book she'd given me to read was called Types of Ethical Theory, and that when I opened it at random I struck a page beginning, the postulate or common understanding involved in speech is certainly co-extensive, in the obligation it carries with the social organism of which language is the instrument, and the ends of which it is an effort to subserve. All perfectly true no doubt, but not the sort of thing to spring on a lad with a mourning head. I was doing my best to skim through this bright little volume when the bell rang. I crawled off the sofa and opened the door. A kind of darkish sort of respectful Johnny stood without. I was sent by the agency, sir, he said. I was given to understand that you required a valet. I'd have preferred an undertaker, but I told him to stagger in, and he floated noiselessly through the doorway like a healing zephyr. That impressed me from the start. Meadows had had flat feet and used a clump. This fellow didn't seem to have any feet at all, he just streamed in. He had a grave sympathetic face as if he, too, knew what it was to sup with the lads. Excuse me, sir, he said gently. Then he seemed to flicker and wasn't there any longer. I heard him moving about in the kitchen, and presently he came back with a glass on a tray. If you would drink this, sir, he said, with a kind of bedside manner rather like the royal doctor shooting the bracer into the sick prince. It is a little preparation of my own invention. It is the Worcester sauce that gives it its color. The raw egg makes it nutritious. The red pepper gives it its bite. The gentlemen have told me they have found it extremely invigorating after a late evening. I would have clutched at anything that looked like a lifeline that morning. I swallowed the stuff. For a moment I felt as if somebody had touched off a bomb inside the old bean and was strolling down my throat with a lighted torch. And then everything seemed suddenly to get all right. The sun shone in through the window, birds twittered in the treetops, and, generally speaking, hope dawned once more. You're engaged, I said, as soon as I could say anything. I perceived clearly that this cove was one of the world's wonders the sort no home should be without. Thank you, sir. My name is Jeeves. You can start in at once? Immediately, sir. Because I'm due down at Easeby in Shropshire the day after tomorrow. Very good, sir. He looked past me at the mantelpiece. That is an excellent likeness of Lady Florence Cray, sir. It is two years since I saw her ladyship. I was, at one time, in Lord Wolpelsden's employment. I tendered my resignation because I could not see eye to eye with his lordship in his desire to dine in dress trousers, a flannel shirt, and a shooting coat. He couldn't tell me anything I didn't know about the old boy's eccentricity. This Lord Wolpelsden was Florence's father. He was the old buster who, a few years later, came down to breakfast one morning, lifted the first cover he saw, said, Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Damn all eggs! in an overwrought sort of voice, and instantly begged it for France, never to return to the bosom of his family. This, mind you, being a bit of luck for the bosom of the family, for old Wolpelsden had the worst temper in the county. I had known the family ever since I was a kid, and from boyhood up this old boy had put the fear of death into me. Time, the great healer, could never remove from my memory the occasion when he found me, than a stripling of fifteen, smoking one of his special cigars in the stables. He got after me with the hunting crop just at the moment when I was beginning to realize that what I wanted more on earth was solitude and repose, and chased me more than a mile across difficult country. If there was a flaw, so to speak, in the pure joy of being engaged to Florence, it was the fact that she rather took after her father, and one was never certain when she might erupt. She had a wonderful profile, though. Lady Florence and I are engaged, Jeeves, I said. Indeed, sir. You know, there is a kind of rummy something about his manner. Perfectly all right and all that, but not what you'd call chirpy. It somehow gave me the impression that he wasn't keen on Florence. Well, of course, it wasn't my business. I suppose that while he had been valaying old Wolpelsden, she must have trodden on his toes in some way. Florence was a dear girl, and seen sideways most awfully good-looking. But if she had a fault, it was a tendency to be a bit imperious with the domestic staff. At this point in the proceedings there was another ring at the front door. Jeeves shimmered out and came back with a telegram. I opened it. It ran. Return immediately. Extremely urgent. Catch first train. Florence. Rum, I said. Sir? Oh, nothing. It shows how little I knew Jeeves in those days that I didn't go a bit deeper into the matter with him. Nowadays I would never dream of reading a rummy communication without asking him what he thought of it. And this one was devilish odd. What I mean is Florence knew I was going back to Ysby the day after tomorrow. Anyway, so why the hurry call? Something must have happened, of course, but I couldn't see what on earth it could be. As I said, we shall be going down to Ysby this afternoon. Can you manage it? Certainly, sir. You can get your packing done and all that? Without any difficulty, sir. Which suit will you wear for the journey? This one. I had on a rather sprightly young check that morning, to which I was a good deal attached. I fancied it, in fact, more than a little. It was perhaps rather sudden till you get used to it, but nevertheless an extremely sound effort, which many lads at the club and elsewhere, had admired unrestrainedly. Very good, sir. Again there was that kind of rummy something in his manner. It was the way he said it, don't you know. He didn't like the suit. I pulled myself together to assert myself. Something seemed to tell me that unless I was jolly careful and nipped this lad in the bud, he would be starting to boss me. He had the aspect of a distinctly resolute blighter. Well, I wasn't going to have any sort of that thing by Jove. I'd seen so many cases of fellows who had become perfect slaves to their valets. I remember poor old Aubrey Father Gill telling me, with absolute tears in his eyes, poor chap, one night at the club, that he had been compelled to give up a favorite pair of brown shoes simply because Meakin, his man, disapproved of them. You have to keep these fellows in their place, don't you know. You have to work the good old iron hand and the velvet glove wheeze. If you give them a what's its name, they take a thing of me. Don't you like this suit, Jeeves? I said coldly. Oh, yes, sir. Well, what don't you like about it? It is a very nice suit, sir. Well, what's wrong with it? Out with it. Dash it! If I might make the suggestion, sir, a simple brown or blue with a hint of some quiet twill. What absolute rot! Very good, sir. Perfectly blithering, my dear man. As you say, sir. I felt as if I had stepped on the place where the last stare ought to have been, but wasn't. I felt defiant, if you know what I mean, and there didn't seem anything to defy. All right, then, I said. Yes, sir. Then he went away to collect his kit, while I started in again on types of ethical theory, and took a stab at a chapter-headed, idiosychological ethics. First of the way down in the train that afternoon, I was wondering what could be up at the other end. I simply couldn't see what could have happened. Ease B. wasn't one of those country houses you read about in the society novels, where young girls are lured on to play backer at, and then skinned to the bone of their jewelry, and so on. The house-party I had left had consisted entirely of law-abiding birds like myself. Besides, my uncle wouldn't have let anything of that kind go on in his house. He was a rather stiff, precise sort of old boy, who liked a quiet life. He was just finishing a history of the family or something, which he had been working on for the last year, and didn't stir much from the library. He was a rather good instance of what they say about its being a good scheme for a fellow to sew his wild oats. I'd been told that in his youth Uncle Willoughby had been a bit of a rounder. You would never have thought it to look at him now. When I got to the house, Oak shot the butler, told me that Florence was in her room watching her maid-pack. Apparently there was a dance on at a house about twenty miles away that night, and she was motoring over with some of the Esby lot, and would be away some nights. Oak shot said she had told him to tell her the moment I arrived, so I trickled into the smoking-room and waited, and presently in she came. A glance showed me that she was perturbed, and even peaved. Her eyes had a goggly look, and altogether she appeared considerably pipped. "'Darling,' I said," and attempted the good old embrace, but she sidestepped like a bantam-weight. "'Don't!' "'What's the matter? Everything's the matter. Bertie, you remember asking me when you left to make myself pleasant to your uncle?' "'Yes.' The idea being, of course, that as at that time I was more or less dependent on Uncle Willoughby, I couldn't very well marry without his approval. And though I knew he wouldn't have any objection to Florence, having known her father since they were at Oxford together, I hadn't wanted to take any chances, so I had told her to make it effort to fascinate the old boy. You told me you would please him particularly if I asked him to read me some of his history of the family. Wasn't he pleased? He was delighted. He finished writing the thing yesterday afternoon, and ran me nearly all of it last night. I have never had such a shock in my life. The book is an outrage. It is impossible. It is horrible. But dash it the family weren't as bad as that. It is not a history of the family at all. Your uncle has written his reminiscences. He calls them recollection of a long life. I began to understand. As I say, Uncle Willoughby had been somewhat on the Tabasco side as a young man, and it began to look as if he might have turned out something pretty fruity if he had started recollecting his long life. If half of what he has written is true, said Florence, your uncle's youth must have been perfectly appalling. The moment we began to read, he plunged straight into a most scandalous story of how he and my father were thrown out of a music hall in 1887! Why? I declined to tell you why. It must have been something pretty bad. It took a lot to make them chuck people out of music halls in 1887. Your uncle specifically states that father had drunk a quart and a half of champagne before beginning of the evening, she went on. The book is full of stories like that. There's a dreadful one about Lord Emsworth. Lord Emsworth? Not the one we know. Not the one at Blandings. A most respectable old Johnny, don't you know? Doesn't do a thing nowadays but dig in the garden with the spud. The very same. That is what makes the book so unspeakable. It is full of stories about people one knows who are the essence of propriety today, but who seem to have behaved when they were in London, in the eighties, in a manner that would not have been tolerated in the folxel of a whaler. Your uncle seems to remember everything disgraceful that happened to anybody when he was in his early twenties. There's a story about Sir Stanley Gervais Gervais at Roscherville Gardens which is ghastly in its perfection of detail. It seems that Sir Stanley—oh, but I can't tell you. Have a dash. No. Oh, well, I shouldn't worry. No publisher will print the book if it's as bad as all that. On the contrary, your uncle told me that all the negotiations are settled with Riggs and Ballinger, and he's sending off the manuscript to-morrow for immediate publication. They make a special thing of that sort of book. They published Lady Carnaby's Memories of Eighty Interesting Years. I read them. Well, then, when I tell you that Lady Carnaby's memories are simply not to be compared with your uncle's recollections, you will understand my state of mind, and Father appears in nearly every story in the book. I'm horrified at the things he did when he was a young man. Well, what's to be done? The manuscript must be intercepted before it reaches Riggs and Ballinger and destroyed. I sat up. This sounded rather sporting. How are you going to do it, I inquired. How can I do it? Didn't I tell you the parcel goes off to-morrow? I am going to the Murgatroyd's dance to-night, and shall not be back till Monday. You must do it. That is why I telegraph to you. What? She gave me a look. Do you mean to say you refuse to help me, Bertie? No, but I say, what's quite simple. But even if I, what I mean is, of course, anything I can do, but if you know what I mean, you say you want to marry me, Bertie? Well, yes, of course, but still, for a moment she looked exactly like her old father. I will never marry you if those recollections are published. But Florence, old thing, I mean it. You may look on it as a test, Bertie. If you have the resource and courage to carry this thing through, I will take it as evidence that you are not the vapid and shiftless person most people think you. If you fail, I shall know that your Aunt Agatha was right when she called you a spineless invertebrate and advised me strongly not to marry you. It will be perfectly simple for you to intercept the manuscript, Bertie. It only requires a little resolution. But suppose Uncle Willoughby catches me at it. He'd cut me off with a bob. If you care more for your uncle's money than for me, oh no, no, rather not. Very well, then. The parcel containing the manuscript will, of course, be placed on the hall table to-morrow for oak-shot to take to the village with the letters. All you have to do is to take it away and destroy it. Then your uncle will think it has been lost in the post. It sounded thin to me. Hasn't he got a copy of it? No, it has not been typed. He's sending the manuscript just as he wrote it. But he could write it over again, as if he'd have the energy. But, if you're going to do nothing but make absurd objections, Bertie, I was only pointing things out. Well, don't. Once and for all, will you do me this quite simple act of kindness? The way she put it gave me an idea. Why not get Edwin to do it? Keep it in the family kind of, don't you know? Besides, it would be a boon to the kid. A jolly bright idea it seemed to me. Edwin was her young brother, who was spending his holidays at Esby. He was a ferret-faced kid, whom I had disliked since birth. As a matter of fact, talking of recollections and memories, it was young blighted Edwin, who, nine years before, had led his father to where I was smoking his cigar and caused all of the unpleasantness. He was fourteen now and had just joined the Boy Scouts. He was one of those thorough kids, and took his responsibilities pretty seriously. He was always in a sort of fever because he was dropping behind schedule with his daily acts of kindness. However hard he tried, he'd fall behind. And then you would find him prowling about the house, setting such a clip to try and catch up with himself that Esby was rapidly becoming a perfect hell for man and beast. The idea didn't seem to strike Florence. I shall do nothing of the kind, Bertie. I wonder you can't appreciate the compliment I am paying you, trusting you like this. Oh, I see that all right. But what I mean is, Edwin would do it so much better than I would. These Boy Scouts are up to all sorts of dodges. They spore, don't you know, and take cover and creep about and what not. Bertie, will you or will you not do this perfectly trivial thing for me? If not, say so now, and let us end this farce of pretending that you care a snap of the fingers for me. Dear old soul, I love you devotedly. Then will you or will you not? Oh, all right, I said. All right, all right, all right. And then I tottered forth to think it over. I met Jeeves in the passage just outside. I beg your pardon, sir. I was endeavouring to find you. What's the matter? I felt that I should tell you, sir, that someone has been putting black polish on our brown walking shoes. What? Who? Why? I could not say, sir. Can anything be done with them? Nothing, sir. Damn! Very good, sir. I've often wondered, since then, how these murderer fellows managed to keep in shape while they're contemplating their next effort. I had a much simpler sort of job on hand, and the thought of it rattled me to such an extent in the night watches that I was a perfect wreck till day. Dark circles under the eyes, I give you my word. I had to call on Jeeves to rally round with one of those lifesavers of his. From breakfast on I felt like a bag snatcher at a railway station. I had to hang about waiting for the parcel to be put on the hall table, and it wasn't put. Uncle Willoughby was a fixture in the library, adding the finishing touches to the great work, I supposed, and the more I thought the thing over, the less I liked it. The chances against my pulling it off seemed about three to two, and the thought of what would happen if I didn't gave me cold shivers down the spine. Uncle Willoughby was a pretty mild sort of old boy, as a rule, but I've known him to cut up rough, and by Jove he was scheduled to extend himself if he caught me trying to get away with his life work. It wasn't till nearly four that he toddled out of the library with the parcel under his arm, put it on the table, and toddled off again. I was hiding a bit to the southeast at the moment, behind a suit of armour. I bound it out and legged it for the table. Then I nipped upstairs to hide the swag. I charged in like a Mustang and nearly stubbed my toe on young blighted Edwin, the boy scout. He was standing at the chest of drawers, confound him, messing about with my ties. Hello, he said. What are you doing here? I'm tidying your room. It's my last Saturday's act of kindness. Last Saturday's? And I'm five days behind. I was six till last night, but I polished your shoes. Was it you? Yes. Did you see them? I just happened to think of it. I was in here, looking round. Mr. Berkeley had this room while you were away. He left this morning. I thought perhaps he might have left something in it that I could have sent on. I've often done acts of kindness that way. You must be a comfort to one and all. It became more and more apparent to me that this infernal kid must somehow be turned out effsoons or right speedily. I had hidden the parcel behind my back, and I didn't think he had seen it, but I wanted to get at that chest of drawers quick before anyone else came along. I shouldn't bother about tidying the room, I said. Oh, I like tidying it. It's not a bit of trouble, really. But it's quite tidy now. I'm not so tidy as I shall make it. This was getting perfectly rotten. I didn't want to murder the kid, and yet there didn't seem any other way of shifting him. I pressed down the mental accelerator. The old lemon throbbed fiercely. I got an idea. There's something much kinder than that which you could do, I said. You see that box of cigars? Take it down to the smoking-room and snip off the ends for me. That would save me no end of trouble. Stagger along, laddie. He seemed a bit doubtful, but he staggered. I shoved the parcel into a drawer, locked it, trousered the key, and felt better. I might be a chump, but dash it. I could out-general a mere kid with a face like a ferret. I went downstairs again. Just as I was passing the smoking-room door, out-curverted Edwin, it seemed to me that if he wanted to do a real act of kindness, he'd commit suicide. I'm snipping them, he said. Snip on, snip on. Do you like them snipped much or only a bit? Medium. All right, I'll be getting on then. I should. And we parted. Fellows who know all about that sort of thing, detectives and so on, will tell you that the most difficult thing in the world is to get rid of the body. I remember as a kid having to learn by heart a poem about a bird by the name of Eugene Arum, who had the deuce of a job in this respect. All I can recall of the actual poetry is the bit that goes, tum-tum-tum-tum-titum, I slew him-tum-tum-tum. But I recollect that the poor blader spent much of his valuable time dumping the corpse into ponds and burying it and what not, only to have it pop out at him again. It was about an hour after I had shoved the parcel into the drawer when I realized that I'd let myself in for just the same sort of thing. Florence had talked in an airy sort of way about destroying the manuscript. But when one came down to it, how the deuce can a chap destroy a great chunky mass of paper in somebody else's house in the middle of summer? I couldn't ask to have a fire in my bedroom, with a thermometer in the eighties, and if I didn't burn the thing, how else could I get rid of it? Fellows on the battlefield eat dispatches to keep them from falling into the hands of the enemy, but it would have taken me a year to eat Uncle Willoughby's recollections. I'm bound to say the problem absolutely baffled me. The only thing seemed to be to leave the parcel in the drawer and hope for the best. I don't know whether you have ever experienced it, but it's a dashed, unpleasant thing having a crime on one's conscience. Towards the end of the day the mere sight of the drawer began to depress me. I found myself getting all on edge, and once when Uncle Willoughby trickled silently into the smoking-room when I was alone there, and spoke to me before I knew he was there, I broke the record for the sitting-high jump. I was wondering all the time when Uncle Willoughby would sit up and take notice. I didn't think he would have time to suspect that anything had gone wrong till Saturday morning, when he would be expecting, of course, to get the acknowledgment of the manuscript from the publishers. But early on Friday evening he came out of the library as I was passing and asked me to step in. He was looking considerably rattled. Bertie, he said, he always spoke in a precise sort of pompous kind of way. An exceedingly disturbing thing has happened. As you know, I dispatched the manuscript of my book to Monsieur's Rig and Ballinger, the publishers, yesterday afternoon. It should have reached them by the first post this morning. Why, I should have been uneasy, I cannot say, but my mind was not altogether at rest respecting the safety of the parcel. I therefore telephoned to Monsieur's Rig and Ballinger a few moments back to make inquiries. To my consternation they informed me that they were not yet in receipt of my manuscript. Very rum! I recollect distinctly placing it myself on the hall-table in good time to be taken to the village. But here is a sinister thing. I have spoken to Oakshot, who took the rest of the letters to the post office, and he cannot recall seeing it there. He is indeed unswerving in his assertions that when he went to the hall to collect the letters there was no parcel among them. Sounds funny! Bertie, shall I tell you what I suspect? What's that? The suspicion will no doubt sound to you incredible, but it alone seems to fit the facts as we know them. I incline to the belief that the parcel has been stolen. Oh, I say, surely not! Wait, hear me out! Though I have said nothing to you before, or to anyone else concerning the matter, the fact remains that during the past few weeks a number of objects, some valuable others not, have disappeared in this house. The conclusion to which one is irresistibly impelled is that we have a kleptomaniac in our midst. It is a peculiarity of kleptomania, as you are no doubt aware, that the subject is unable to differentiate between the intrinsic values of objects. He will perloin an old coat as readily as a diamond ring, or a tobacco pipe costing but a few shillings with the same eagerness as a purse of gold. The fact that this manuscript of mine could be of no possible value to any outside person convinces me that, but uncle, one moment, I know all about those things that were stolen. It was meadows, my man, who pinched them. I caught him snaffling my silk socks, right in the act by Jove. He was tremendously impressed. You amaze me, birdie, sent for the man at once and questioned him. But he isn't here. You see, directly I found that he was a sock sneaker. I gave him the boot. That's why I went to London, to get a new man. Then if the man meadows is no longer in the house, it could not be he who perloined my manuscript. The whole thing is inexplicable. After which we brooded for a bit. Uncle Willoughby pottered about the room, registering baffledness, while I sat sucking at a cigarette, feeling rather like a chap I'd once read about in a book, who murdered another cove, and hid the body under the dining-room table, and then had to be the life and soul of a dinner-party with it there all the time. My guilty secret oppressed me to such an extent that after a while I couldn't stick it any longer. I lit another cigarette, and started for a stroll in the grounds, by way of cooling off. It was one of those still evenings you get in the summer, when you can hear a snail clear its throat a mile away. The sun was sinking over the hills, and the gnats were fooling about all over the place, and everything smelled rather topping, what would the falling dew and so on. And I was just beginning to feel a little soothed by the peace of it all, when suddenly I heard my name spoken. It's about Bertie. It was the loathsome voice of young, blighted Edwin. For a moment I couldn't locate it. Then I realized that it came from the library. My stroll had taken me within a few yards of the open window. I'd often wondered how those Johnny's in books did it. I mean the fellows with whom it was the work of a moment to do about a dozen things that ought to have taken them about ten minutes. But as a matter of fact it was the work of a moment with me to chuck away my cigarette, swear a bit, leap about ten yards, dive into a bush that stood near the library window, and stand there with my ears flapping. I was as certain as I've ever been of anything that all sorts of rotten things were in the offing. About Bertie, I heard Uncle Willoughby say, about Bertie in your parcel. I heard you talking to him just now. I believe he's got it. When I tell you that just as I heard these frightful words, a fairly substantial beetle of sorts dropped from the bush down the back of my neck, and I couldn't even stir to squash the same, you'll understand that I felt pretty rotten. Everything seemed against me. What do you mean, boy? I was discussing the disappearance of my manuscript with Bertie only a moment back, and he professed himself as perplexed by the mystery as myself. Well, I was in his room yesterday afternoon, doing him an act of kindness, and he came in with a parcel. I could see it, though he tried to keep it behind his back, and then he asked me to go to the smoking room and snip some cigars for him, and about two minutes afterwards he came down, and he wasn't carrying anything, so it must be in his room. I understand they deliberately teach these dashed boy scouts to cultivate their powers of observation and deduction and what not. Devilish, thoughtless, and inconsiderate of them, I call it, look at the trouble it causes. It sounds incredible, said Uncle Willoughby, thereby bucking me up a trifle. Shall I go and look in his room? asked young blighted Edwin. I'm sure the parcel's there. But what could be his motive for perpetrating this extraordinary theft? Perhaps he's what you said just now. Eclectomaniac, impossible. It might have been Bertie who took all those things from the very start, suggested the little brute, hopefully. He may be like raffles. Raffles. He's a chap in a book who went about pinching things. I cannot believe that Bertie would go about pinching things. Well, I'm sure he's got the parcel. I'll tell you what you might do. You might say that Mr. Berkeley wired that he had left something here. He had Bertie's room, you know. You might say you wanted to look for it. That would be possible. I didn't wait to hear any more. Things were getting too hot. I sneaked softly out of my bush and raced for the front door. I sprinted up to my room and made for the drawer where I'd put the parcel. And then I found I hadn't the key. It wasn't for the deuce of a time that I recollected I had shifted it to my evening trousers the night before and must have forgotten to take it out again. Where are the dickens where my evening things? I had looked all over the place before I remembered that jeeves must have taken them away to brush. To leap at the bell and ring it was, with me, the work of a moment. I had just rung it when there was a footstep outside and in came Uncle Willoughby. Oh, Bertie, he said, without a blush. I have received a telegram from Berkeley who occupied this room in your absence, asking me to forward him his cigarette case, which it would appear he inadvertently omitted to take with him when he left the house. I cannot find it downstairs, and it has, therefore, occurred to me that he may have left it in this room. I will just take a look around. It was one of the most disgusting spectacles I have ever seen, this white-haired old man who should have been thinking of the hereafter, standing there lying like an actor. I haven't seen it anywhere, I said. Nevertheless I will search. I must spare no effort. I should have seen it if it had been here, what? It may have escaped your notice. It is possibly in one of the drawers. He began to nose about. He pulled out drawer after drawer, pottering around like an old bloodhound and babbling from time to time about Berkeley in a cigarette case, in a way that struck me as perfectly ghastly. I just stood there, losing weight every moment. Then he came to the drawer where the parcel was. "'This appears to be locked,' he said, rattling the handle. "'Yes, I shouldn't bother about that one. It's locked and all that sort of thing. You have not the key?' A soft, respectful voice spoke behind me. "'I fancy, sir, that this must be the key you require. It was in the pocket of your evening trousers.' It was Jeeves. He had shimmered in, carrying my evening things, and was standing there holding out the key. I could have massacred the man. "'Thank you,' said my uncle. "'Not at all, sir. The next moment Uncle Willoughby had opened the drawer. I shut my eyes. "'No,' said Uncle Willoughby. There is nothing here. The drawer is empty. "'Thank you, Bertie. I have not disturbed you. I fancy your Berkeley must have taken this case with him after all.' When he had gone, I shut the door carefully. Then I turned to Jeeves. The man was putting my evening things out on a chair. "'Jeeves, sir?' "'Oh, nothing. It was due difficult to know how to begin. "'Jeeves, sir?' "'Did you—was there—have you by chance?' "'I removed the parcel this morning, sir.' "'Oh, why?' "'I considered it more prudent, sir.' "'I am used for a while.' "'Of course. I suppose all this seems tolerably rummy to you, Jeeves.' "'Not at all, sir. I chanced over here you and Lady Florence, speaking of the matter, the other evening, sir.' "'Did you by Jove?' "'Yes, sir.' "'Well, Jeeves, I think that, on the whole, if you were to, as it were, freeze on to that parcel until we get back to London?' "'Exactly, sir.' "'And then we might, so to speak, chuck it away somewhere, what?' "'Precisely, sir. I'll leave it in your hands.' "'Entirely, sir.' "'You know, Jeeves, you're by way of being rather a topper.' "'I endeavored to give satisfaction, sir.' "'One in a million by Jove.' "'It is very kind of you to say so, sir.' "'Well, that's about all, then, I think.' "'Very good, sir.' "'Florence came back on Monday. I didn't see her till we were all having tea in the hall. It wasn't till the crowd had cleared away a bit that we get a chance of having a word together.' "'Well, Bertie,' she said. "'It's all right.' "'You've destroyed the manuscript?' "'Not exactly, but—what do you mean?' "'I mean, I haven't absolutely—' "'Bertie, your manner is furtive.' "'It's all right. It's this way.' "'And I was just going to explain how things stood when out of the library came leaping Uncle Willoughby looking as braced as a two-year-old. The old boy was a changed man. "'A most remarkable thing, Bertie. "'I have just been speaking with Mr. Riggs in the telephone, and he tells me he received my manuscript by the first post this morning. "'I cannot imagine what kind of caused the delay. "'Our postal facilities are extremely inadequate in the rural districts. "'I shall write to headquarters about it. "'It's insufferable if valuable parcels are to be delayed in this fashion.' "'I happen to be looking at Florence's profile at the moment, and at this juncture she swung round and gave me a look that went right through me like a knife. Uncle Willoughby meandered back to the library, and there was a silence that you could have dug bits out of with a spoon.' "'I can't understand it,' I said at last. "'I can't understand it by Jove.' "'I can. I can understand it perfectly, Bertie. "'I failed you. Rather than risk offending your uncle, you—' "'No, no, absolutely. "'You preferred to lose me rather than risk losing the money. "'Perhaps you did not think I meant what I said. I meant every word. Our engagement is ended.' "'But I say not another word. "'But Florence, old thing. "'I do not wish to hear any more. I see now that your aunt Agatha was perfectly right. "'With patience you might be molded into something worthwhile. I see now that you are impossible.' And she popped off, leaving me to pick up the pieces. When I had collected the debris to some extent, I went to my room and rang for Jeeves. He came in looking as if nothing had happened or was ever going to happen. He was the calmest thing in captivity. "'Jeeves,' I yelled. "'Jeeves, that parcel has arrived in London.' "'Yes, sir?' "'Yes, sir.' I acted for the best, sir. I think that both you and Lady Florence overestimated the danger of people being offended at being mentioned in Sir Willoughby's recollections. It has been my experience, sir, that the normal person enjoys seeing his or her name in print, irrespective of what is said about them. I have an aunt, sir, who, a few years ago, was a martyr to swollen limbs. She tried Walconsha's supreme ointment of life, so much so that she sent them an unsolicited testimonial. Her pride at seeing her photograph in the daily papers, in connection with descriptions of her lower limbs before taking, which were nothing less than revolting, was so intense that it led me to believe that publicity of whatever sort is what nearly everybody desires. Moreover, if you have ever studied psychology, sir, you will know that respectable old gentlemen are by no means averse to having it advertised that they were extremely wild in their youth. I have an uncle. I cursed his aunts and his uncles and him and all the rest of the family. Do you know that Lady Florence has broken off her engagement with me? Indeed, sir. Not a bit of sympathy. I might have been telling him it was a fine day. You're sacked. Very good, sir. He coughed gently. As I am no longer in your employment, sir, I can speak freely without taking liberty. In my opinion, you and Lady Florence were quite unsuitably matched. Her ladyship is of a highly determined and arbitrary temperament, quite opposed to your own. I was in Lord Wopelston's service for nearly a year, during which time I had ample opportunities of studying her ladyship. The opinion of the servants' hall was far from favourable to her. Her ladyship's temper caused a good deal of adverse comment among us. At times quite impossible. You would not have been happy, sir. Get out! I think you would have also found her educational methods a little trying, sir. I have glanced at the book her ladyship gave you. It has been lying on your table since our arrival, and it is, in my opinion, quite unsuitable. You would not have enjoyed it. And I have it from her ladyship's own maid, who happened to overhear a conversation between her ladyship and one of the gentlemen staying here, Mr. Maxwell, who was employed in an editorial capacity by one of the reviews, that it was her intention to start you almost immediately upon Nietzsche. You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound. Get out! Very good, sir. It's rummy how sleeping on a thing often makes you feel quite different about it. It's happened to me over and over again. Somehow or other, when I woke next morning, the old heart didn't feel half so broken as it had done. It was a perfectly topping day, and there was something about the way the sun came in at the window and the row the birds were kicking up at the ivy that made me half wonder whether Jeeves wasn't right. After all, though she had a wonderful profile, was it such a catch being engaged to Florence Cray as the casual observer might imagine? Wasn't there something in what Jeeves had said about her character? I began to realize that my ideal wife was something quite different, more clinging and drooping and prattling and whatnot. I'd got as far as this in thinking the thing out when that types of ethical theory caught my eye. I opened it, and I give you my honest word, this was what hit me. Of the two atathetic terms in the Greek philosophy, one only was real and self-subsisting, and that one was ideal thought, as opposed to that which it has to penetrate in mold. The other, corresponding to our nature, was minimal, unreal, without any permanent footing, having no predicates that held true for two moments together, in short, redeemed from negation only by including indwelling realities appearing through. Well, I mean to say, what? And Nietzsche, from all accounts, a lot worse than that. Jeeves, I said, when he came in with my morning tea, I've been thinking it over. You're engaged again. Thank you, sir. I was down a cheerful mothful. A great respect for this bloke's judgment began to soak through me. Oh, Jeeves, I said, about that Czech suit. Yes, sir? Is it really a frost? A trifle too bizarre, sir, in my opinion. But lots of fellows have asked me who my tailor is. Doubtless in order to avoid him, sir. He's supposed to be one of the best men in London. I am saying nothing against his moral character, sir. I hesitated a bit. I had a feeling that I was passing into this chap's clutches, and that if I gave in now I should become just like poor old Aubrey Father Gill, unable to call my soul my own. On the other hand, this was obviously a cove of rare intelligence, and it would be a comfort in a lot of ways to have him doing the thinking for me. I made up my mind. All right, Jeeves, I said, you know, give the bally thing away to somebody. He looked down at me like a father gazing tenderly at the wayward child. Thank you, sir. I gave it to the under-gardener last night. A little more tea, sir? End of chapter 18. by PG Woodhouse Chapter 19 A story titled Disentangling Old Duggy Doesn't some poet or philosopher fellow say that it's when our intentions are best that we always make the worst breaks? I can't put my hand on the passage, but you'll find it in Shakespeare or somewhere, I'm pretty certain. At any rate, it's always that way with me, and the affair of Douglas Cray is a case in point. I dined with Duggy, a dear old pal of mine, one night at his club, and as he was seeing me out, he said, Reggie Old Top, my name's Reggie Pepper. Reggie Old Top, I'm rather worried. Are you, Duggy Old Pal? I asked. Yes, Reggie Old Fellow, he said, I am. It's like this. The bulls have asked me down to their place for the weekend, and I don't know whether to go or not. You see, they have early breakfast, and besides that, there's a frightful risk of music after dinner. On the other hand, young Roderick Boole thinks he can play picket. I should go, I said, but I'm not sure Roderick's going to be there this time. It was a problem, and I didn't wonder poor old Duggy had looked pale and tired at dinner. Then I had the idea which really started all the trouble. Why don't you consult a pomist, I said. That sounds a good idea, said Duggy. Go and see Dorothy in 42nd Street. She's a wonder. She'll tell you in a second. She'll see from your lines that you are thinking of making a journey, and she'll either tell you to get a move on, which will mean that Roderick will be there, or else to keep away because she sees disaster. You seem to be next to the game, all right. I've been to a good many of them. You'll like Dorothy. What did you say her name was? Dorothy? What do I do? Do I just walk in? Shant I feel a fearful chump? How much do I give her? I'll be right and make it date. All right, said Duggy, but I know I shall look a frightful fool. About a week later I ran into him between the acts at the Knickerbocker. The old boy was beaming. Reggie, he said, you did me the best turn anyone's ever done me, sending me to Mrs. Darrell. Mrs. Darrell? You know, Dorothy. Her real name's Darrell. She's a widow. Her husband was in some regiment and left her without a penny. I don't have time to tell you now. My boy, she's a marvel. She had hardly looked at my hand when she said, you will prosper in any venture you undertake. The next day by George I went down to the bulls and separated young Roderick from seventy dollars. She's a wonderful woman. Did you ever see just that shade of hair? I didn't notice her hair. He gaped at me in a sort of petrified astonishment. You didn't notice her hair, I can't fix the dates exactly, but it must have been about three weeks after this that I got a telegram. Call Madison Avenue immediately. Florence Cray. She needn't have signed her name. I should have known who it was from by the wording. Ever since I was a kid, Dougie's sister Florence has oppressed me to the most fearful extent. Not that I'm the only one. Her brothers live in terror of her, I know. Especially Edwin. He's never been able to get away from her, and it's absolutely broken his spirit. He's a mild, hopeless sort of chump who spends all his time at home. They live near Philadelphia and has never been known to come to New York. He's writing a history of the family or something, I believe. You see, events have conspired, so to speak, to let Florence do pretty much as she likes with them. Originally there was old man Cray, Dougie's father, who made a fortune out of the Supertrust. Dougie's elder brother Edwin, Florence, and Dougie. Mrs. Cray has been dead some years. Then came the smash. It happened through the old man. Most people, if you ask them, will tell you that he ought to be in Bloomingdale. And I'm not sure they're not right. At any rate, one morning he came down to breakfast, lifted the first cover on the sideboard, set in a sort of despairing way, eggs, eggs, eggs, curse all eggs, and walked out of the room. Nobody thought much of it till about an hour afterward when they found he'd packed a grip, left the house, and caught the train to New York. Next day they got a letter from him saying that he was off to Europe, never to return, and that all communications were to be addressed to his lawyers, and from that day on none of them had seen him. He wrote occasionally, generally from Paris, and that was all. Well, directly news of this got about, down swooped a series of ants on the helm. They didn't stay long. Florence had them out, one after the other, in no time. If any lingering doubt remained in their minds, don't you know, as to who was going to be boss at home, it wasn't her fault. Since then she has run the show. I went to Madison Avenue. It was one of the ants' houses. There was no sign of the ant when I called. She'd probably climbed a tree and pulled it up after her. But Florence was there. She was called a presence. Her eyes are bright and black and have a way of getting right inside you, don't you know, and running up and down your spine. She has a deep voice. She's about ten years older than Dougie's brother Edwin who is six years older than Dougie. Good afternoon, she said. Sit down. I poured myself into a chair. Reginald, she said, what is this I hear about Douglas? I said I didn't know. You introduced him. Eh? To this woman, this Mrs. Daryl. Mrs. Daryl? My memory's pretty rocky and the name conveyed nothing to me. She pulled out a letter. Yes, she said, Mrs. Dorothy Daryl. Great Scott! Dorothy! Her eyes resumed their spying a drill. Who is she? Only a palmist. Only a palmist? Her voice absolutely boomed. To be married to her. Many happy returns of the day, I said. I don't know why I said it. It wasn't what I meant to say. I'm not sure I meant to say anything. She glared at me. By this time I was pure jelly. I simply flowed about the chair. You are facetious, Reginald, she said. No, no, no, I shouted. It slipped out. I wouldn't be facetious for worlds. I'm glad. It is no laughing matter. Have you any suggestions? Suggestions? You don't imagine it can be allowed to go on. The engagement must be broken, of course, but how? Why don't you tell him he mustn't? I shall naturally express my strong disapproval. But it may not be effective. When out of the reach of my personal influence, my wretched brother is self-willed to a degree. I saw what she meant. Good old Dougie wasn't going to have those eyes patrolling his spine if he knew it. He meant to keep away and conduct this business by letter. There's going to be no personal interview with Sister if he had to dodge about America like a snipe. We sat for a long time without speaking. Then I became rather subtle. I had a brainwave and saw my way to making things right for Doug and at the same time squaring myself with Florence. After all I thought the old boy couldn't keep away from home for the rest of his life. He would have to go there sooner or later, and my scheme made it pleasant and easy for him. I'll tell you what I should do if I were you, I said. I'm not sure I didn't read some book or see some play somewhere or other where they tried it on, and it worked all right. Fellow got engaged to a girl and the family didn't like it. But, instead of kicking, they pretended to be tickled to pieces and had the fellow and the girl down to visit them. And then, after the fellow had seen the girl with the home-circle as a background, don't you know, he came to the conclusion that it wouldn't do and broke off the engagement. It seemed to strike her. I hardly expected so sensible a suggestion from you, Reginald, she said. It is a very good plan. It shows that you really have a definite substratum of intelligence, and it is all the more deplorable that you should idle your way through the world as you do when you might be performing some really useful work. That was Florence all over. Even when she patted you on the head, she had to do it with her knuckles. I'll invite them down next week, she went on. You'd better come too. It's awfully kind of you, but the fact is, next Wednesday. Take the three forty-seven. I met Dougie next day. He was looking happy, but puzzled, like a man who was found a dime on the street and was wondering if there's a string tied to it. I congratulated him on his engagement. Reggie, he said, a queer thing has happened. I feel as if I'd trodden on the last step when it wasn't there. I've just had a letter from my sister Florence asking me to bring Dorothy home on Wednesday. Florence doesn't seem to object to the idea of the engagement at all, and I expected that I'd have to call out the police reserves when she heard of it. I believe there's a catch somewhere. I tapped him on the breast-bone. There is, Doug, I said, and I'll tell you what it is. I saw her yesterday, and I can put you next to the game. She thinks that if you see Mrs. Darrell mingling with the home-circle, you'll see flaws in her which you don't see when you don't see her mingling with the home-circle, don't you see? Do you see now?" He laughed heroically, don't you know. I'm afraid she'll be disappointed. Love, like mine, is not dependent on environment. Which wasn't bad, I thought, if it was his own. I said good-bye to him, and toddled along rather pleased with myself. It seemed to me that I'd handled his affairs in a pretty masterly manner for a chap who's supposed to be one of the biggest chumps in New York. Well, of course, the thing was an absolute fliver, as I ought to have guessed it would be. Whatever could have induced me to think that a fellow like poor old Doug stood a dog's chance against a determined female like his sister Florence, I can't imagine. It was like expecting a rabbit to put up a show with a python. From the very start there was only one possible end to the thing. To a woman like Florence who had trained herself as tough as whalebone by years of scrapping with her father and occasional buy-battles with aunts, it was as easy as killing rats with a stick. I was sorry for Mrs. Darrell. She was a really good sort, and as a matter of fact, just the kind of wife who would have done old Dougie a bit of good. And on her own ground I shouldn't wonder if she might not have made a fight for it. But now she hadn't a chance. Poor old Dougie was just like so much putty in Florence's hands when he couldn't get away from her. You could see the sawdust trickling out of Love's young dream in a steady flow. I took Mrs. Darrell for a walk one afternoon to see if I couldn't cheer her up a bit, but it wasn't much good. She hardly spoke a word till we were on our way home. Then she said with a sort of jerk, I'm going back to New York tomorrow, Mr. Pepper. I suppose I ought to have pretended to be surprised, but I couldn't work it. I'm afraid you've had a bad time, I said. I'm very sorry." She laughed. Thank you, she said. It's nice of you to be sympathetic instead of tactful. You're rather a dear, Mr. Pepper." I hadn't any remarks to make. I whacked at a nettle with my stick. I shall break off my engagement after dinner, so that Douglas can have a good night's rest. I'm afraid he has been brooding on the future a good deal. It will be a great relief to him. Oh, no, I said. Oh, yes. I know exactly how he feels. He thought he could marry me off, but he finds he overestimated his powers. He has remembered that he is a cray. I imagine that the fact has been pointed out to him. If you ask my opinion, I said, I was feeling pretty sore about it. That woman Florence is an absolute cat. My dear Mr. Pepper, I wouldn't have dreamed of asking your opinion on such a delicate subject, but I'm glad to have it. Thank you very much. Do I strike you as a vindictive woman, Mr. Pepper? I don't think you do, I said. By nature I don't think I am, but I'm feeling a little vindictive just at present. She stopped suddenly. I don't know why I'm boring you like this, Mr. Pepper, she said. For goodness sake, let's be cheerful. Say something bright. I was going to take a whirl at it, but she started in to talk and talked all the rest of the way. She seemed to have cheered up a whole lot. She left next day. I gather she fired Dougie as per schedule, for the old boy looked distinctly brighter, and Florence wore an off-duty expression and was quite decently civil. Mrs. Darrell bore up all right. She avoided Dougie, of course, and put in most of the time talking to Edwin. He evidently appreciated it, for I'd never seen him look so nearly happy before. I went back to New York directly afterward, and I hadn't been there much more than a week when a most remarkably queer thing happened. Turning in at Hammersteins for half an hour one evening, whom should I meet but Brother Edwin, quite fairly festive, with a fat cigar in his mouth? Hello, Reggie, he said. What are you doing here, I said? I had to come up to New York to look up a life of Hillary Decray at the library. I believe Mr. Mann was a sort of ancestor. This isn't the library. I was beginning to guess as much. The difference is subtle, but well marked. It struck me that there was another difference that was subtle, but well marked, and that was the difference between the Edwin I'd left messing about over his family history a week before, and a jovial rounder who was blowing smoke in my face now. As a matter of fact, he said, the library would be all the better for a little of this sort of thing. It's too conservative. That's what's the trouble with the library. What's the matter with having a crosstalk team and a few performing dogs there? It would brighten the place up and attract custom. Reggie, you're looking fatigued. I heard there's a place somewhere in this city, if you can only find it, expressly designed for supplying first aid to the fatigued. Let's go and look for it. I'm not given to thinking much as a rule, but I couldn't help pondering over this meeting with Edwin. It's hard to make you see the remarkableness of the whole thing, for, of course, if you look at it in one way, there's nothing so record-breaking in smoking a cigar and drinking a highball. But then you have never seen Edwin. There are degrees in everything, don't you know? For Edwin to behave as he did with me that night was simply nothing more nor less than a frightful outburst, and it disturbed me. Not that I cared what Edwin did as a rule, but I couldn't help feeling a sort of, what do you call it, a presentiment that somehow, in some way I didn't understand, I was mixed up in it, or was soon going to be. I think the whole fearful family had gotten my nerves to such an extent that the mere sight of any of them made me jumpy. And by George I was perfectly right, don't you know? In a day or two along came the usual telegram from Florence, telling me to come to Madison Avenue. The mere idea of Madison Avenue was beginning to give me that tired feeling, and I made up my mind I wouldn't go near the place. But of course I did. When it came to the point I simply hadn't the common manly courage to keep away. Florence was there as before. Reginald she said, I think I shall go raving mad. This struck me as a mighty happy solution of everybody's troubles, but I felt it was too good to be true. Over a week ago she went on, my brother Edwin came up to New York to consult a book at the library. I anticipated that this would occupy perhaps an afternoon, and was expecting him back by an early train next day. He did not arrive. He sent an incoherent telegram, but even then I suspected nothing. She paused. Yesterday morning she said, I had a letter from my Aunt Augusta. She paused again. She seemed to think I ought to be impressed. Her eyes tied a bow knot in my spine. Let me read you her letter. No, I will tell you its contents. Aunt Augusta had seen Edwin lunching at the Waldorf with a creature. A what? My aunt described her. Her hair was of a curious dull bronze tint. Your aunt? The woman's. It was then that I began to suspect. How many women with dull bronze hair does Edwin know? Great Scott, why ask me? I'd got used to being treated as a sort of hey-bill by Florence, but I was darned if I was going to be expected to be an encyclopedia as well. One, she said, that appalling Daryl woman. She drew a deep breath. Yesterday evening she said, I saw them together in a taximeter cab. They were obviously on their way to some theatre. She fixed me with her eye. Reginald she said, you must go and see her the first thing tomorrow. What! I cried. Me? Why me? Because you are responsible for the whole affair. You introduced Douglas to her. You suggested that he should bring her home, go to her tomorrow, and ascertain her intentions. But the very first thing. But wouldn't it be better to have a talk with Edwin? I have made every endeavour to see Edwin, but he deliberately avoids me. His answers to my telegrams are willfully evasive. There was no doubt that Edwin had affected a thorough bolt. He was having quite a pleasant little vacation. Two weeks in sunny New York. And from what I've seen of him, he seemed to be thriving on it. I didn't wonder Florence had got rather anxious. She'd have been more anxious if she had seen him when I did. He'd got a sort of, New York is so bracing, look about him, which met a whole heap of trouble before he trotted back to the fold. Well, I started off to interview Mrs. Darrell, and believe me, I didn't like the prospect. I think they ought to train ADT messengers to do this sort of thing. I found her alone. The rush hour of clients hadn't begun. How do you do, Mr. Pepper, she said? How nice of you to call. Very friendly at all that. It made the situation darned difficult for a fellow, if you see what I mean. Say, I said, what about it, don't you know? I certainly don't, she said. What ought I to know about what? Well, about Edwin. Edwin Cray, I said. She smiled. Oh! So you're an ambassador, Mr. Pepper. Well, as a matter of fact, I did come to see if I could find out how things were running. What's going to happen? Are you consulting me professionally? If so, you must show me your hand, or perhaps you would rather I showed you mine? It was subtle, but I got on to it after a bit. Yes, I said. I wish you would. Very well. Do you remember a conversation we had, Mr. Pepper, my last afternoon at the craze? We came to the conclusion that I was rather a vindictive woman. By George! You're stringing old Edwin so as to put one over on Florence. She flushed a little. How very direct you are, Mr. Pepper. How do you know I'm not very fond of Mr. Cray? At any rate, I'm very sorry for him. He's such a chump. But he's improving every day. Have you seen him? You must notice the difference. There is a difference. He only wanted taking out of himself. I think he found his sister Florence's influence a little oppressive sometimes. No, but see here, I said, are you going to marry him? I'm only a palmist. I don't pretend to be a clairvoyant. A marriage may be indicated in Mr. Cray's hand, but I couldn't say without looking at it. But I shall have to tell her something definite or she won't give me a moment's peace. Tell her her brother is of age. Surely that's definite enough. And I couldn't get any more out of her. I went back to Florence and reported. She got pretty excited about it. Oh, if I were a man, she said. I didn't see how that would have helped. I said so. I'd go straight to Edwin and drag him away. He's staying at his club. If I were a man, I could go in and find him. Not if you weren't a member, I said. And tell him what I thought of his conduct. As I'm only a woman, I have to wait in the hall while a deceitful small boy pretends to go and look for him. It had never struck me before what a splendid institution a club was. Only a few days back I'd been thinking that the subscription to mine was a bit steep. But now I saw that the place earned every cent of the money. Have you no influence with him, Reginald? I said I didn't think I had. She called me something, invertebrate or something. I didn't catch it. Then there's only one thing to do. We must find my father and tell him all. Perhaps you may rouse him to a sense of what is right. You may make him remember that he has duties as a parent. I thought it far more likely that I should make him remember that he had a foot. I hadn't a very vivid recollection of Old Man Cray. I was quite a kid when he made his great speech on the egg question and beat it for Europe. But what I did recollect didn't encourage me to go and chat with him about the duties of a parent. As I remember him he was a rather large man with elephantitis of the temper. I distinctly recalled one occasion when I was spending a school vacation at his home, and he found me trying to shave Old Duggy, then a kid of fourteen, with his razor. I shouldn't be able to find him, I said. You can get his address from his lawyers. Well, he may be at the North Pole. Then you must go to the North Pole. But say, Reginald. Oh, all right. I knew just what would happen. Parbury and Stevens, the lawyers, simply looked at me as if I had been caught snatching bags. At least Stevens did. And Parbury would have done it too. Only he had been dead a good time. Finally, after drinking me in for about a quarter of an hour, Stevens said that if I desired to address a communication to his client, care of this office, I would be duly forwarded. Good morning, good morning. Anything further? No thanks. Good morning, good morning. I handed the glad news on to Florence, and left her to do what she liked about it. She went down and interviewed Stevens. I supposed he'd had experience of her. At any rate, he didn't argue. He yielded up the address in level time. Old Man Cray was living in Paris, but was to arrive in New York that night, and would doubtless be at his club. It was the same club where Edwin was hiding from Florence. I pointed this out to her. There's no need for me to butt in after all, I said. He'll meet Edwin there, and they can fight it out in the smoking room. You've only to drop him a line explaining the facts. I shall certainly communicate with him in writing, but nevertheless you must see him. I cannot explain everything in a letter. But doesn't it strike you that he may think it pretty bad, gall impertinence, don't you know, for a comparative stranger like me and an illicate family affair like this? You will explain that you are acting for me. It wouldn't be better if old Dougie went along instead. I wish you to go, Reginald. Well, of course, it was all right, don't you know, but I was losing several pounds a day over the business. I was getting so light that I felt that when the old man kicked me I should just soar up to the ceiling like an air balloon. The club was one of those large clubs that looked like prisons. I used to go there to lunch with my uncle, the one who left me his money, and I always hated the place. It was one of those clubs that are all red leather and hushed whispers. I'm bound to say, though, there wasn't much hushed whispering when I started my interview with old man Cray. His voice was one of my childhood's recollections. He was most extraordinarily like Florence. He had just the same eyes. I felt boneless from the start. Good morning, I said. What? He said, speak up, don't mumble. I hadn't known he was deaf. The last time we'd had any conversation on the subject of razors, he had done all the talking. This seemed to me to put the lid on it. I only said, good morning, I shouted. Good what? Speak up. I believe you're sucking candy. Oh, good morning, I remember you now. You're the boy who spoiled my razor. I didn't half-like this reopening of old wounds. I hurried on. I came about Edwin, I said. Who? Edwin, your son. What about him? Florence told me to see you. Who? Florence, your daughter. What about her? All this vaudeville team business, mind you, as if we were bellowing at each other across the street. All around the room you could see old gentlemen shooting out of their chairs like rockets and dashing off at a gallop to write to the governing board about it. Thousands of waiters had appeared from nowhere and were hanging about dusting table legs. If ever a business wanted to be discussed privately, this seemed to me to be it. And it was just about as private as a conversation through megaphones in Longacre Square. Didn't she write to you? I got a letter from her. I tore it up. I didn't read it. Pleasant was it not? It was not. I began to understand what a shipped wreck sailor must feel when he finds there's something gone wrong with the life-belt. I thought I might as well get to the point and get it over. Edwin's going to marry a palmist, I said. Who the devil's Harry? Not Harry, Mary. He's going to marry a palmist. About four hundred waiters noticed a speck of dust on an ashtray at the table next to ours and swooped down on it. Edwin's going to marry a palmist? Yes. She must be mad. Hasn't she seen Edwin? And just then, who should stroll in? But Edwin himself. I cited him and gave him a hail. He coveted up to us. It was amazing the way the fellow had altered. He looked like a two-year-old, flower in his buttonhole and a six-inch grin, and all that. The old man seemed surprised, too. I didn't wonder. The Edwin he remembered was a pretty different kind of a fellow. Hello, Dad, he said. Fancy meeting you here. Have a cigarette? He shoved out his case. Old man Cray helped himself in a sort of dazed way. You are Edwin, he said slowly. I began to sidle out. They didn't notice me. They had moved to a city, and Edwin seemed to be telling his father a funny story. At least he was talking and grinning, and the old man was making a noise like distant thunder, which I supposed was his way of chuckling. I slid out and left them. Some days later Dougie called on me. The old boy was looking scared. Reggie, he said. What did doctors call it when you think you see things when you don't? HAL something. I've got it, whatever it is. It's sometimes caused by overwork. But it can't be that with me, because I've not been doing any work. You don't think my brain's going or anything like that, do you? What do you mean? What's been happening? It's like being haunted. I read a story somewhere of a fellow who kept thinking he saw a battleship bearing down on him. I've got it, too. Four times in the last three days I could have sworn I saw my father and Edwin. I saw them as plainly as I see you. And of course, Edwin's at home and father's in Europe somewhere. Do you think it's some sort of warning? Do you think I'm going to die? It's all right, old top, I said. As a matter of fact, they are both in New York just now. You don't mean that. Great Scott! What a relief! But, Reggie old Fox, it couldn't have been them really. The last time was at Louis Martin's and the fellow I mistook for Edwin was dancing all by himself in the middle of the floor. I admitted it was pretty queer. I was away for a few days after that in the country. When I got back I found a pile of telegrams waiting for me. They were all from Florence and they all wanted me to go to Madison Avenue. The last of the batch which had arrived that morning was so peremptory that I felt as if something had bitten me when I read it. For a moment I admit I hung back. Then I rallied. There are times in a man's life when he's got to show a flash of the old bulldog pluck, don't you know, if he wants to preserve his self-respect. I did then. My grip was still unpacked. I told my man to put it on a cab and in about two ticks I was bowling off to the club. I left for England next day by the Lusitania. About three weeks later I fetched up at Nice. You can't walk far at Nice without bumping into a casino. The one I hit my first evening was the Casino Municipal at the Palas Massena. It looked more or less of a home from home so I strolled in. There was quite a crowd round the boulet tables and I squashed in. And when I'd worked through into the front rank I happened to look down the table and there was Edwin with the green Tyrely's hat hanging over one ear clutching out for a lot of five frank pieces which the croupier was steering toward him at the end of a rake. I was feeling lonesome for I knew no one in the place so I edged round in his direction. Halfway there I heard my name called and there was Mrs. Daryl. I saw the whole thing in a flash. Old man Cray hadn't done a thing to prevent it from being eccentric. He was probably glad that Edwin had had the sense to pick out anybody half as good a sort and the marriage had taken place and here they were on their honeymoon. I wondered what Florence was thinking of it. Well, well, well, here we all are, I said. I've just seen Edwin. He seems to be winning. Dear boy, she said, he does enjoy it so. I think he gets so much more out of life than he used to, don't you? Sure thing. May I wish you happiness? Go and collect the silver fish slice. Thank you so much, Mr. Pepper. I did write to you, but I suppose you never got the letter. Mr. Cray didn't make any objections then? On the contrary, he was more in favour of the marriage than anyone. And I'll tell you why, I said. I'm rather a chump, you know, but I observe things. I bet he was most frightfully grateful to you for taking Edwin in hand and making him human. Why, you're wonderful, Mr. Pepper. That is exactly what he said himself. It was that that first made us friends. And her Florence? She sighed. I'm afraid Florence has taken the thing a little badly. But I hope to win her over in time. I want all my children to love me. All your what? I think of them as my children, you see, Mr. Pepper. I adopted them as my own when I married their father. Did you think I'd married Edwin? What a funny mistake. I'm very fond of Edwin, but not in that way. No, I married Mr. Cray. We left him at our villa last night as he has some letters to get off. You must come and see us, Mr. Pepper. I always feel that it was you who brought us together, you know. I wonder if you'll be seeing Florence when you get back. Will you give her my very best love? End of chapter 19. End of A Woodhouse Miscellany, Articles and Stories by PG Woodhouse