 Ladies and gentlemen, the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy College, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA. As it must to all men in these United States, the census taker has finally gotten around to that institution of learning presided over by Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall. At the moment, Dr. Hall and his wife, the former Victoria Cromwell of the London stage, are being interviewed by an efficient young lady with a red, white and blue portfolio. Now I have a surprise for you, Dr. Hall. You and your wife are number 35 on my list. Why should that be a surprise? Does being the 35th interviewee win something? Say, two glorious weeks in Gopher Hole, Nevada? No. Every sixth person that we count has to answer a few additional questions about his way of living. I've read about it, Todd. I'll answer it. Thank you, my dear. And now, Miss Craig, what would you like to know? Well, some of them are rather personal questions, but all information is confidential, you understand. Yes, of course. If I realize that this information will be seen by only a few hundred people and will be about as confidential as a sunset. So let's get on with it. Then to begin with... Excuse me. Yes, Vicki? Officer Grogan? Yes. He wants to know who Mr. Wellman has got here. No, I'm not expecting him, Vicki. Wellman. I could just get through one day without a visit from that man. Dr. Hall? Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Craig. Could you tell me how many times you've been married? Who's the rest? Dr. Hall, the number of marriages... Oh, yes, yes. And the number of years since the last wedding. Sure, yes. Vicki, what does he say? Dr. Hall. Oh, yes, yes. Your question, the answer is yes. Oh, yes, yes. Eight wives and one year. Heavenly days. Who they have been, I assure you. I... A child, perhaps? Who now knows she was of age? Oh, Vicki. All right, Todd. Officer Grogan said Mr. Wellman would explain everything to you. It sounded like something serious. With Mr. Wellman, everything is serious. He rumps through life with the light-hearted abandon of an aging water buffalo. Oh, not that I dislike the man, mind you. Of course, our dear, he's dreamy. Or that he tries my patience. No. If he ever tried it, I'm sure he'd love it. Or that he doesn't mean everything for the best. Surely, dear. I doubt if he'd ever strike a woman who was wearing glasses. Vicki, why do you always stick up for that fellow? Glasses. I'm sure. Oh, but it's a front door. I'll get it. Dr. Hall, excuse me. Oh, Miss Gregg, I really must have punched. I completely forgot that you were... I understand perfectly. That would be better if I came back later. Well, if it wasn't inconvenient to... Oh, no, not at all. If you'll be home around two o'clock... Excuse me, Miss Gregg. Yes, Mr. Wellman, William. Dr. Hall. Ah, Mr. Wellman, come in. Come in. Now, Miss Gregg, this is Mr. Wellman, head of our board of government. How do you do? Miss Gregg, from your portfolio there, I assume you're the census taker? Yes. Am I right that the population of the town exclusive of those living on campus here is, uh... is 19,911? Right, yes. That's our preliminary tally. Thank you. Certainly. Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye. And now, Mr. Wellman, what's this about Officer Grogan? The situation is very simple. Does the name Walt Bentheimer mean anything to you? Walt Bentheimer. You must have read about him in the paper, if you read the papers. He had considerable notoriety about a month ago. Bentheimer, his wife and seven offspring. Oh, yes, the man with the seven children who lives in his silver trailer. There is no necessity to make it sound like a fairy tale, Mrs. Hall. Yes, I remember him. The newspaper said he was arrested for vagrancy and trespassing on city property. No visible means of support. This man is a public nuisance. He drove his trailer right into the park across from the city hall and set up housekeeping. His children bathed in the public fountain, and his wife sprung her washing between the statues of General Lee and General Grant. General Lee and General Grant? Well, that's one way of keeping the country strung together. The situation was far from humorous, Mrs. Hall. It created very bad publicity for this town throughout the entire state. I remember now, when Bentheimer was arrested, he criticized the police department, the jail accommodations, and the park commission. And always some justice. He had added up his bill of rights and found an error in the total. Dr. Hall. But really, I don't see why all your excitement, Mr. Wellman. It all happened a month ago. You will see, Mrs. Hall, when I tell you that he has now dug in on our own campus. Here? At Ivy. Here at Ivy. Not 15 minutes ago, Officer Grogan saw that blasted trailer parked right on our athletic field. And then, then right before Grogan's eyes, Mother, Father, and all seven of their brats dreamed out of the trailer carrying soap and towels and disappeared into our gymnasium. Wellman, they're using our gymshires as a public bath? Yes, at this very moment. Well, bless their hearts. Well, serious, Vicky. Trespassing on private property, illegal use of the college gymnasium. Using public city properties is one thing, but this... Dr. Hall, Bentheimer is a dangerous element. It's such a thing that breeds social unrest, and a man like this shouldn't be at large. Well, what do you want? To have him arrested? It occurred to me that your husband might be able to use his talents for diplomacy. He has a clever mind, you know, in his own sort of way. We thank you, Mr. Wellman. If you can persuade this fellow to move on. I mean, if you can handle this unpleasant matter without unpleasantness. These are orders from the board, Mr. Wellman? Mr. Hall, you will handle the situation as you see fit. I do not presume to instruct you. I suggest a course of action, as it were. I see. Yes, they kill it. You do? You do? Then, good day, Mr. Hall. Good day, Mr. Wellman. Goodbye, Mr. Wellman. Well, here we go again. Well, Vicki, a man who can upset Mr. Wellman has a strong claim on my admiration and sympathy. You apparently don't consider this bentime a particularly subversive. Well, I'm prejudiced in favor of any group with a predisposition for frequent bathing, at any one's expense. I can never understand why radicals mounted soapboxes for their oratorical exercises. Mr. Wellman and Anarchy always seem such strange tubfellows. Anyway, we've got to meet this breeder of unrest, this one-family social upheaval. Well, it's a beautiful day. Yes, I think we'd enjoy a stroll across the campus. I'd say to the gymnasium. Come on, Toddie, let's take a walk. Hello there. Hello. Would your name be Bentimer? Yes, sir. I'm Tommy. Hi, Tommy. That's a pretty heavy sack you're carrying. Uh-huh. I bet you I got a million bottles in it almost. Oh, go on. I bet you can't even count that high. Yes, I can. One, two, three, four. Hold on. Hold on. No, no. We have to sign. Where did they come from, Tommy? Bob told me to pick up all the empties I could find around the gymnasium. Some people don't care where they drop a hunk of glass, do they? Oh, I guess not. Where's your father? He's inside, in the gym. Want me to call him for you? No thanks. We'll find him. Mr. Bentimer. Mr. Bentimer. My name is Hall. Dr. Hall. This is Mrs. Hall. Well, how do you do? Oh, glad to know you. Excuse me, but I got a sweep right where you stand in there. Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Bentimer, Dr. Hall is the president of Ivy College. That's nice. Just a minute, Doctor. Please, you're tracking my sweepings back onto the cooling floor. Thank you, your pardon. Have a clumsy afternoon. It's all right. We all make mistakes. Well, you and Jimmy and Ted pick up all the papers blown around the yard and tell Harry, Dave, and Frank to carry all this trash off to the incinerator. And if there are any kids left over, tell them to start washing the windows. You said it, kid. Is he the youngest? I think so. He's not as familiar as the rest of them. Mr. Bentimer, I don't understand why you're doing all this. Well, my kids are using your showers. Well, yes, but... Oh, we don't want to be a charity cases, believe me. Pay our way, one way or another. I see. I hate to say this, Doctor, but I don't think much of your janitor's around here. My wife's been a half hour just cleaning the mirrors and the dressing rooms. I don't like to wrap the help, but... Well, you know what I'm thinking. Yes, I do. You see, Mr. Bentimer, there was a dance here just last night, and we're a little short-handed right now. Well, nobody can make a mess like kids. I ought to know. But it's the same everywhere. I was cleaning up the city park last month. Never saw such a mess. Oh, was it no idea to clean up the park to pay for keeping your trailer there? Yeah, sure. Any guy that gets something for nothing has received nothing for something. Say, you might move in again. I want to sweep that place behind you there. Oh, yes, surely, yes. But by the way... You ought to buy some new brooms for your janitor, you know. No self-respecting witch would ride this thing, even after dark. Yeah, I'll make a note of it. And your scrub pails got holes in them, too. They have... You can't hold water on a leaky pail. Man's got to have the right tools. Mr. Bentimer, your record would seem to indicate an aimless irresponsibility. But seeing you work, I think you might be the kind of rolling stone who suddenly surprises everybody by cornering the moss market. Now, what are your plans? Well, at the moment, Doctor, I'm sorry to say I'm on relief. I see. Just temporary, until we get a place. Don't figure relief is a disgrace until you start leaning on it. But you've tried to get a job. You're 48 out of 49 states, but... I like it here. It's nice. It makes me feel at home. Seven kids, you know. Well, I'd like to have some of them go to Ivy one day. That's certainly worth looking for. Oh, yes. Yes, it is. I can pay my way, Doctor. You need help there. I can't take over arithmetic or any of them foreign languages for you. But I can certainly make this campus shine. Well, we can't have you living on the athletic field, you know. Well, as soon as I'm working, I'll sell my trailer and get a house. Mary and the kids need a house with a yard and some flowers, maybe. Things...things with roots to it. I understand. Of course, I've got to warn you right off. I'm kind of a jinx janitor. In what way? Well, for instance, the last janitoring I did was in an office. And the boss told me to polish the floors, so I did. And that ended it. The job ended? Well, the boss did. Skidded on the floor and ended himself pretty bad. No more job. No more job. And then the place before that I was hired to wash windows. So I did. Got him too clean. Some guy poked his head right through the glass. No more job? No more job. I guess I'm downright dangerous. Yes, in your case, cleanliness is next to catastrophe. But maybe here at Ivy my luck might change. Let's hope so. Well, Mr. Bentheimer, I'll think about all this. I'll be talking to you again. Look, if you can wait a minute, I'll go get Mary. She'd love to meet you. We never met a college friend. Oh, I'm afraid I haven't the time just now. Well, I'll go home and think this thing over. I know. And there'll only be one answer after you've thought it over. How can I get them Bentheimers out of here? Yes. And you're right, Doc, from your standpoint anyhow. I guess it's up to me to move. Well, now let's not be too hasty, Mr. Bentheimer. It's possible that it's my move instead of yours. Hmm, yes. My move, perhaps. You keep your queen where she is and I'll see what can be done with a knight or two. And if things work out the way they should, I think I might be able to give you a check. Mate. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. We'll return to the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman in just a moment. But first, let's hear from a man who really moved in on something. Well, my wife and I had just returned from a two-week vacation. We had rented a comfortable little beach house up at the lake. And although we didn't know who the previous tenants were, they certainly left the place clean, neat, and, well, in really fine shape. After we had unpacked, my wife asked me to see that the refrigerator was working while she made out a list of groceries to buy. When I opened the refrigerator door, I was surprised to find two bottles of Schlitz beer and a note. Well, I called Mary and read it to her. The note said simply, he couldn't very well take these with us, thought we'd leave two bottles of our favorite beer for the next tenants to enjoy. We signed the burdens. Well, it was a hot day, so Mary and I just sat right down and enjoyed that Schlitz beer. And I mean enjoyed. Before we had even finished our first glass, Mary reached into her apron pocket and took out the shopping list. She pentaled in at the bottom six bottles of Schlitz beer and passed it across the table to me. Then she smiled slowly and said, well, look on your face, I'd better make that a case. That's what she did. And if that beer tastes half as good to other people as it does to me, it's no wonder that Schlitz is not only the beer that made Milwaukee famous, but the largest selling beer in America. Returning to the halls of Ivy, we find Dr. Hall and his wife Victoria at home in their living room, but very much not at home in their predicament. Well, it comes right back to this, Vicki. Wellman expected me to eject the Bentheimers, their children, and their trailer from Ivy campus. I didn't do it. Why did I have to be so sympathetic? Because that's the way you are, darling. And why not? Remember, I fell in love with a certain college professor because he was so very sympathetic, so kind, and he wore his heart and his sleeve because it was too big for the inside of his chest. That, my dear, is a very pretty, and I must confess a very flattering, evasion of the problem. I don't think it is, Toddy. If you weren't naturally sympathetic, you'd make a poor president of a college. You have to be pretty level-headed and wear a flat hat as long as you have. Yeah, but the point is that the emotion and logic seldom agree on a solution. When a spinster lady finds a burglar under her bed, her mind tells her to streak for the police. While her instinct advises her to... to, well, exploit certain strategic advantages. Well, who's evading now? Well, it was an interesting thought, wasn't it? Vicky? Yes, dear? We didn't hear the phone ring, did we? Well, um... Could be a wrong number? I hope. And it could be Mr. Wellman, who's a wrong number if ever I knew one. Strange how civilization weakens the man against all forms of communication. Primitive man, hearing a distant drum, could stuff bark in his ears and pretend he... Oh, well. Hello? Yes, Mr. Wellman? I was just going to call you about Mr. Bentheimer. Oh, no, no, she hasn't. I see. Yes, of course. Yes, I understand. No, not at all, Mr. Wellman. Goodbye. Well? He wasn't interested in the Bentheimers. He wasn't? Well, I thought Mr. Wellman was more single-minded, or he's positively flighty. He asked if the census taker had returned. He wants us to give her a message. Whatever it about, dinner and dancing. No, no, it seems that three of our professors have suddenly hired maids within the past hour. Has that got something to do with anything? Maids who will arrive this afternoon imported from other towns and who should be included in our census. Well, I should think the chairman of the Board of Governors had more important things to worry about. You remember this morning he asked Miss Greig about the population of Ivy? Yes. See, wasn't it 19,000 and something? 19,911. Plus the 87 members of our faculty living on campus. What does that add up to? 19,000 plus 87? No, no, 19,911 plus 87. Oh, it's two from nine. Eight from 60. Carry one. It doesn't go. What's the matter? Can't you add? It's 19,998. Naturally. It's just two less, two less than 20,000. Of course, it all fits together. Not to me. Now, consider this, my dear. Wellman is on the town planning commission and the realty board. Yeah, I know. He's on everything that'll give him a chance to mess about in other people's affairs. Also, director of a local building company and his son-in-law owns a very profitable highway construction firm. Well, I suppose this all means something. A great deal, Vicki. If the town of Ivy reaches an official population of 20,000 there will be a bigger federal loan to our city and a larger share of the state gasoline tax money will be allocated for local highway construction. Oh, sorry. You know, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Wellman didn't import those three new maids just to fatten our population. I'm positive he did. Really? I think this time we're going to be on Wellman's team. For once, we both want the same thing. Not for the same reasons, perhaps. But while it's always a step in the wrong direction to join Wellman in any direction, this time his wrong reasons turn out to be right results only, um, better. Well, I'm lost. Yes, and before I go down for the third time I better get started, huh? I'll be back in an hour. Yeah, what about the census taker? Vicki, you'll have to stay here and wait for her. You're all right. She said she'd be back at two o'clock. Good. Now, will you ask her for a total count here on the campus and then phone Wellman? Invite him over here at three o'clock. I'm going back to see Bentheimer again. Dr. Hall, I cannot give you very much time now. I'm very busy. I have an appointment downtown shortly, so if we could discuss whatever is on your mind. Of course. It's regarding the Bentheimers. I called on them, you know. I see. And, uh, what was the result? Well, the result was, Mr. Wellman, that I found them to be a very nice family. However, I agree that their trailer home is out of place on our athletic ground. I should hope so. This is a college, not a tourist camp. I've just come from a second talk with Mr. Bentheimer. He promises to be off the campus within an hour. Oh, Charlie, well, he lives. Uh, just a minute, Vicki. Well, Doctor, I must congratulate you. I must admit that on occasion you handled matters with some, uh, quite well. I presume that the fellow was stubborn and defiant as his thought usually is. Oh, not at all. No, I told Mr. Bentheimer I could secure him a job in Cleveland. A friend of mine operates the factory there. He supplies his employees with individual carriages. He gives them nice little places with plenty of yard for the children. He even furnishes seeds for their flower gardens. Then that disposes of our problem. He does. Uh, oh, Vicki, did you give the census taker, Mr. Wellman's message about the three new maids on the campus? Yes, I did. She had already counted them. The total of everybody living on the campus is now 87. Only 87? No, it's 89. No, I'm afraid not, Mr. Wellman. You're forgetting that last month you dismissed two assistant professors. Oh, but only 87. Plus 19,911 in the town of I, this makes... Just two persons short of 20,000. Oh, this is... this is disastrous. Why, Mr. Wellman? You never thought they were very good professors anyway. The devil with the professors, it's the census. We've got to get 20,000 people in this town. Why? It's such a nice town. We don't want it overcrowded. No, 19,900 and something. It's such a nice number. Of course, um, I... I don't suppose it would be right to count the Bentheimer family now that they're moving away. What? The Bentheimer? Yes, it seems that our local census has forgotten Mr. and Mrs. Bentheimer and their seven children. That's impossible. How could anybody forget such a splendid family of nine? Nine! Why, that's enough to put us out of the town. That's true, isn't it? That is, it would have been true. Oh, but we've got to count them. This is crucial. Where's that census taker? Oh, dear, she's already left the campus. Yes, and the Bentheimers will be on the highway to Cleveland in a few minutes. We've got to stop them. May I make a suggestion? Yes, anything. We can't let them a hymen. Yes. Yes? The college could use another janitor. Perhaps if we offered Mr. Bentheimer... Oh, yes, he's got to stay. Hire him. Very well. And, as an evidence of our good faith, I feel that we should give him an employment contract. For a janitor's job? A two-year contract. He doesn't want to be fired as soon as the census is taken. Go ahead. Sign him up. Give him a contract. Why am I not a mobile? Henshin flowers, music, dancing girls. This is blackmail, pure blackmail. Oh, I'd rather not the expression, Mr. Wellman. Our law professor would prefer quid pro quo, which is a Latin term, meaning this for that. But a mere janitor, a fellow who was in jail. Hmm, unjustly so, it seems to me. But we can make amends for past wrongs. Or to use another Latin term, that in term, nunc protunc, freely translated, meaning now for them. Oh, hang the lessons. Well, the minutes are passing. What do you say? All right. Go ahead. Give him the whole college. Good day. Yes, my dear. I would like to have a little talk with you about the census. What about it, darling? Miss Gregg took down some rather startling vital statistics about you. She did. According to what you told her, you have had eight wives. And your last wedding took place just one year ago. Oh, good heavens. I thought I'd tell her I had one wife and we'd been married eight years. I just can't understand. Well, I can, dear. At times, you can result dreadfully absent-minded, and this was one of them. For a moment, you just took leave of your census. Oh, dickhead. It was pretty horrible, wasn't it? Shameful. Oh. But I forgive you, which is more I'm afraid than Mr. Wellman will do for either of us. Or for the man with seven children who lived in a silver trailer. That does sound like the title for a fairy tale, doesn't it? One that has come true, my dear. And like all good fairy tales, this one ends as it should. And they all lived happily ever after. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And here again are Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everyone. Let us quickly champagne for Caesar. We'll be seeing you next week at this time at the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Our other players were her Butterfield, Bob Sweeney, Virginia Greg and Jeffrey Silver. The night script was written by Leonard St. Clair and Don Quinn. Music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Nat Wolfe, and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ken Carpenter speaking. Coming up is The Falcon on NBC.