 Remember a hallmark card when you carry enough to send the very best Tonight from Hollywood the makers of hallmark greeting cards bring you mr. Bob Hope in ring lardner's elmer the great on the hallmark playhouse Each week hallmark will bring you Hollywood's greatest stars and outstanding stories chosen by one of the world's best known authors The distinguished novelist mr. James Hilton Good evening ladies and gentlemen. This is James Hilton Tonight we have the pleasure of bringing to you a story by one of the world's greatest humorists ring lardner Ring lardner belongs to that distinguished company of American sports writers who have not only enriched the language But have added to the genuine literature of our time Indeed I should think no anthology of great short stories could possibly be compiled without including one of lardner's and it might very well Be our selection for tonight Ring lardner was educated at Michigan University where he studied of all things mechanical engineering But he soon found his real bent Among his best-known short stories is one called hurry Kane a fine baseball story and this he turned into a stage play Entitled elmer the great We have taken the liberty of modernizing it for our version tonight at the height of baseball's great yearly spectacle the world series And we have the privilege of presenting Bob Hope as elmer But now before our curtain here is Frank gas with a brief message from hallmark There are hallmark cards for every memorable occasion on your calendar. Yes for every occasion that calls for remembrance There is a hallmark card that says just what you want to say the way you want to say it and that identifying name on the back Hallmark. Well, that says you cared enough to send the very best now our curtain Hallmark Playhouse starring Bob Hope in ring lardner's elmer the great His name was elmer Kane sometimes known as hurry Kane sometimes known as elmer the great He was the pride of gala police, Ohio There've always been two schools of talk about elmer the people who said he wasn't as dumb as he looked and the ones that said He didn't look as dumb as he was This is the story just as it happened and you'll have to make up your own mind about who was right It all came to a head one Sunday as elmer was eating breakfast. Gee. I'm still sleepy more. What time is it? About 2 30 in the afternoon. How long does sleep about 12 hours dog on that insomnia Maybe I could get a nap before dinner. Elmer. Would you like some more eggs? Yeah, I might give me another dozen No, I guess not. We got plenty. You know the hens are really laying I know since that rooster heard what they're selling for he's been chasing around hollering smaller ones and faster Well, look, how about a how about another slice of ham? Oh, you know if I eat hearty this time of day. It'll spoil my dinner. Hey elmer Gee, I'm glad you're up. I've been waiting to talk to you for hours pass the bread elmer I was talking to Amy a little while ago. I'll pass me another loaf elmer. Listen to me Amy said a man was in the newspaper office yesterday asking for your address He's gonna sign you to play with the Cleveland Indians. I know I refused him already Refused him. Don't you like the Cleveland Indians? All the teams are right, but they tell me the restaurants They're closed at midnight Thanks, ma. I needed a pusher to trap this piece of egg Hey ma, Elmer's got a chance to sign with the Cleveland Indians. I'm not joining the Indians. I'm a gene-aughtry fan Elmer listen to me if you go with the Indians you may become the greatest pitcher in the world naturally Gee, I Wish I could pitch like you. I really wish I could pitch like you. Well, you can't expect to like me in the same generation Elmer sometimes I think you're an egotist Nick you leave your brother alone Elmer is the smartest sweetest finest slower mall. I Declare when I think of Elmer I could cry. I didn't know any boy could be that wonderful That's all right, ma. I wouldn't be so wonderful if you hadn't been around when I was born Pete say you got a chance to pitch for Cleveland. No, sir You can make a name for yourself and earn a lot of money You got a chance to put gala police on the map. No was that all you can say is no no the words good enough for General Eisenhower it's good enough for me Fine brother. How can I show my face after this? Goodbye? More you know I got my reasons for not leaving gala police. Yes, sure Elmer and Nellie's a fine girl. Ain't she pretty more? When she wears them green earrings, I can't help thinking how she looks so much like a T-boned a little parsley on it And she's a smart girl too Elmer. I know more. Well, I guess you can't have everything I'm gonna walk down to the store now Cleveland Indians that's all I hear Indians Indians am I a man or am I a papoose? I know what I want. I've loved Nellie ever since we went down to that bakery together and smell the hot bread But she's just a hot woman after all What's a woman just a rag a bone in the hank of hair dog gone. Why do they put the three together so nice? I Gotta get a grip on myself. I'm gonna walk right up to her and say Nellie. It's now or never Hmm. No, she might say never Well, I'll say Nellie. It's now or I can wait a little while I'm gonna tell her Howdy, ma'am. Do you talk like that? Oh, I don't know Nellie. I've been seeing too many Gary Cooper pictures. I guess Well, when you get back with the Cleveland Indians, you'll be too busy for movies. So don't worry I ain't going with the Cleveland Indians Nellie. I don't want to leave gala police right now Oh, but Elmer such a wonderful opportunity. Mr. Wade the Cleveland scout phoned me Wade phoned you too Yes, he thought since I'm your employer here at the store. I should be told about it It's your big moment Nellie if you knew a guy that knew a girl but the girl didn't know about the guy Karen and Guy didn't know what to do about the girl not knowing about the guy Karen and The guy tried to tell the girl that didn't know about the guy Karen, but couldn't What would the guy do? What did you say? I Said if you knew a guy that knew a girl but the girl didn't know about the guy Karen and the guy didn't know What to do about the girl not knowing about the guy Karen and the guy tried to tell the girl that Didn't know about the guy Karen, but couldn't what would the guy do? Oh, well, that's very simple Elmer Yeah, would you try saying it sometime? All the guy has to do is to tell the girl there's nothing to it. No, what would he say? He'd say I love you Will you marry me and what would the girl say one of two things? Yes, or no just to Get more chances than that I'll stop the music Nelly Suppose I said it to you which one of those words would you say if you said it to me what you see Nelly? Haven't you guessed honey? We need each other like those little paper pants need lamb chops That's why I won't go to Cleveland any pitch and I do is gonna be for you Elmer. I'm sorry You're sorry. Well, I don't know what to say Elmer. I never guessed I've been going out with Arbeth not Lake Arbeth not Lake Nelly, what do you want a man or a Pullman car? Well, anyhow That's the way it is Elmer. You mean you don't love me. No, but that's impossible Okay, Nelly That's the way you feel go and don't look back. I'll be changing into my baseball uniform Goodbye Elmer Cleveland here. I come Goodbye Elmer keep this suitcase with you. It's your lunch. Goodbye ma. I'll be home as soon as we win the series Goodbye Elmer. Goodbye Mata. Harry This may be a sad day for me, but it's a great day for baseball. So long ma Say Sutton you're the captain aren't you? That's right, Kane. Well, I'm getting a little fed up with this team already You've only been here a week. Yeah yesterday They made me go up to the clubhouse and asked for the key to the batter's box and this morning They told me to go out and buy a quick freeze unit for the hot corner You think I'm a maroon or something? I'm sorry Look before I forget did you get that notice to be at the ballpark for that special pitches practice at 330 in the morning? 330 in the morning. My Paul Revere didn't get up until 4 to save the whole country Who's the greater man you or Paul Revere? Yeah, that's right I'll be at the field for pitching practice at 330 in the meantime. Don't bite on any more practical jokes I bit on my last one so long gee 330 in the morning I hope my midnight snack settles before it's time for breakfast Fellows mr. Walker wants to say something. I look you guys when I say quit riding a rookie I mean quit riding a rookie Next guy that pulls anything on Kane is gonna find himself in a Toledo uniform inside of 10 days I got back from the ballpark this morning. He started packing. Hey, he was going home I've been practically on my knees ever since I guess the guy's got no sense of humor neither of I anymore So lay off. Okay boss. We'll knock off. Is he coming here now? Yeah, he said he'd stop buying his way to eat. All right, mr. Walker will be good honest engine won't we fellas? I'll see that you are. I'll see you later. Come on. Where's that microphone? We'll give him a surprise. That is a surprise. He's careful of it now the radio station wants it back I'll put it up against the wall so it'll look like it's connected wait call Evelyn on the phone Your wife's rough, didn't you? Yeah. Yeah, she's all primed. Well, and we're all set Yeah, nobody else showed up. This is miss Evelyn Corrie Elmer. Hello Elmer. Hello Elmer we've decided you're gonna pitch the opening game of the season. I want to win it I we want to win all our games Elmer. Sorry, I can't pitch all the games Elmer miss Miss Corrie's from the Columbia broadcasting system President Truman's asked her she wouldn't come here and ask you to say just a few words over the radio She is a horse It was President Truman's personal request and mr. Dewey wants you to mention his name, too Now if you'll sit right down at this table Elmer they're waiting at the broadcasting station to put you on the radio, okay? What do I give away first? Quiet Evelyn's about to introduce you ladies and gentlemen. This is Evelyn Corrie speaking It is my pleasure to introduce to you one of the greatest figures of the national game of baseball has ever known Mr. Elmer Kane Good evening ladies and gentlemen. This is Elmer Kane speaking I wish all the little boys in America the best of luck in baseball the same like I Lou Boudreau Ted Williams And many others. I'm glad Cleveland has got me and I guess Cleveland will be glad to win the world series Say hello to President Truman. What President Truman? He's listening. Is he home or out hissing? Do he? Oh, good evening President Truman This is Elmer Kane speaking. I hope you'll be at the World Series to see us and Ladies and gentlemen, that's about all except that this is a great game and one that I'm really proud to be associated with You know, there's an American tradition that goes along with baseball of baseball of sportsmanship and honor and fair play That's something you live up to Some of us love it more than others, but it's hard to top the thrill that's there for everyone When the Empire yells play ball and the ball goes through the air and the player swings I do a lot of bragging about myself probably much too much It's because I think that being a good ball player is something to brag about I'm proud of baseball and I'm proud to be in it. Good night See that was a wonderful speech Elmer put it there Elmer Elmer you've got it on the ball field. We can depend on you to drive in a run on the radio You know how to drive in a message. Hey, that reminds me. Let's go. Where Elmer a drive in I'm hungry Before James Hilton brings you the second act of Elmer the great starring Bob Hope I'd like to introduce another star lovely little Luanna Patton whose newest picture will be Walt Disney's So dear to my heart Luanna was the first little girl in America to receive a set of the colorful new Hallmark dolls of the nation and I just love them mr. Goss Learn from them too. Don't you Luanna? Oh my yes, they're real educational in a way It makes learning lots of fun. How's that Luanna the verses on the inside of each doll There is cute as the dolls themselves. Listen to what it says on the inside of Anne of England Her home was a her home was a cottage with a roof made of straw It's just about the cutest house you almost ever saw if you were there this minute and would meet you at the gate Ask you and it serve you little crumpets on a plate. You know what a crumpet is Luanna It tells me right here at the verse a crumpet is a cookie just in case you didn't know and English people think they're tops as far as cookies go Are you do learn things from the Hallmark dolls of the nations? Don't you just what the Hallmark folks had in mind when they thought them up they educate while they fascinate? What else does it say about Anne of England Luanna? Well, it's a real long verse But here's another part I like and after tea she takes you on a trip to London town and show you that the London bridge Has never fallen down and Anne will say come see Big Ben. It's awful big and tall Of course, you know Big Ben's a clock and not a man at all. Is Anne of England your favorite Luanna? Oh, no, I love all of them Rita of Brazil Katrina of Holland and all of them. They're so adorable with the feather plumes in their hats and the way they stand up by themselves I can see you do love them Luanna and so will every youngster That's why I'm going to tell all about the Hallmark dolls of the nations How easy they are to buy and send how little they cost after we hear the second act of tonight's story Now back to James Hilton and ring-lordner's Elmer the Great starring Bob Hope With Elmer Kane on the mound. It was a great season for Cleveland It's on Kane today, which puts the Indians right in line for the pennant and the pennant is in the bag If they can knock off the Red Sox, there's going to be another exciting ball game tomorrow When Cleveland faces the Red Sox with Kane in the pitchers box again at his own request It looks really good for the Indians Thought I'd take a walk Rundermine's run a little dice game. Why don't you come along with me? You don't have to play I really should be up my room practicing my wind-up Almey, you're real baseball crazy ain't you? Yeah, you should see my brother Nick real crazy about it, huh? Well, we don't say he's baseball crazy. We just say nature gave him a base on balls Hey, here's the place. Yeah, look at that sign shea sucker Sell candy in there. Yeah wiped out my spending money No candy boxes my palma. I don't mind the candy. Just hate to get behind on my comic books Mr. Kane, Mr. Crabbre the owner would like to see you in his office Thanks, Joe sit down, Mr. Kane. I'll stand if you don't mind. I want to mash my donuts Sorry I lost mr. Kane. So am I those dice couldn't have been loaded. Could they loaded whatever made you think That was the first dice I ever saw the left skid marks But here's my losses five dollars and fifty cents five dollars and fifty cents you weren't playing for pennies mr. Kane You owe me five thousand five hundred dollars five thousand five hundred dollars That sounds like the tax on something now look here mr. Crosby. I'm mr. Crabbre tree That's what you owe Kane, but I don't have it. Well, that puts you in a very bad spot. Yeah, I know I Wonder how Alan lad would get out of this. Let me see well I can pay in the fall by then the new use cars will be out Kane It's against the rules of the league for players to mix with professional gamblers. Oh I see you think you got me. Do you think you got me trapped up against the wall, huh? Me I'm with a great. Well, you just didn't reckon with a mind like a fox you can't trap me I tell you you can't you can't I'm so much better than Gregory. Why should I fight it and square this little debt with me and get a $10,000 profit to boot. Why are you dirty? No good? You use you sign at the dice tables I'll turn these over to you and $10,000 besides if Boston wins the ball game tomorrow Good night, mr. Crabbre tree the only reason I'm not killing you right now is because I want to be out in that field Amar if you don't play ball with me Elmer you aren't gonna play ball any place Where's the 10,000? Here you are Sign the receipt, please now you can stop by and pick the up of the IOUs right after the game. Thanks. I'll do that Peace for the Red Sox on not done wood when you say that come on Let's get outside and roll it around come on Crowley you're pitching today Can't I want to see you a minute Crowley pitching wait a minute. I feel boys. Yeah, come on We got to get warmed up. Hey, what's the idea keeping me out of the game? You're out of the whole series Kane you're benched what for you and Graham were seen coming out of Crabtree's joint last night This morning. I had your tail all the way to Wayland's gambling hangout You're denied that you're double-crossing. No good yellow stiff No, but look at this Here's your signed receipt for 10 grand Crabtree's in jail, and that's where you're going to be look. I'm not saying I didn't take the money I did take it. I had to it was the only way I could square things I don't say what I did was the right thing to do But it was the only way out I could think of I took that money to bet on myself to bet on yourself Sure, I have to pay back to five thousand five hundred dollars So I took that much of the money and bet it on myself to win after the game I was gonna pay them the money I owed and give them back their ten thousand. I got the receipt right here Well, I'll be a red socks necktie. You really have I was gonna win the game and pay Crabtree back I'm no welter and I'm no crook boss. I gotta pitch this game Kane. I Kane you Well, what are you standing there staring at me for get out of the field and play ball. Yes Where's the thing for Elmer to eat on the way home right here, and you keep out of you Must be so proud of him. Mrs. Kane. You did a real fine thing. Now. He's sending Elmer off like you did I certainly have missed him There's a train. I couldn't have done with this script. It's gone to your head now I'd made a couple of trips, but gave up when it couldn't find any room Say more how long since folks have been able to get off the train right here in Gallipoli's why Elmer You could always leave the train here in Gallipoli's. I know but it used to be so much trouble climbing out of those mail bags It's nice to have you back Elmer. Yeah, it's nice to be back awful tough on those Cleveland gals though They sure put up a fuss clawed at my clothes through themselves under the train Finally had to sign their autograph books Well, I'm sorry you had such a tough time I'll see you Elmer. Goodbye. Yes. See you around Nellie Elmer. That's no way to treat Nellie When she marrying Arth but not Lake I was not late for that kid. He married Burl Williams the week after you left town He did will I swan? Hey Nellie wait for me wait for me Ma hold my box of fig Newtons while I run her down an inventory Hey, you remember the guy was telling you about you mean the guy that knew a girl But the girl didn't know about the guy caring and guy didn't know what to do about the girl not knowing about the guy caring and the Guy tried to tell the girl that didn't know about the guy caring, but couldn't what would the guy do? Huh? Yeah, that's the guy. No, I don't remember him. Well The guy find out found out what to say. I imagine he did considering all the girls in the Cleveland depot Hey Nellie, you're jealous. Well, who wouldn't be I guess any intelligent girl would be at that Found out what to say. Why don't you say it? Okay, I Love you Nell girl Will you marry me? Suppose I say yes Will you always love me? I sure will and you'll think of me always even when you're working? I sure will and while you're sleeping I Sure will and while you're eating Love sure is a wonderful thing In a moment James Hilton will return to tell you about next week's story Meanwhile, here's what I promised to tell you about the new hallmark dolls of the nations There are eight of them each from a different country and they make a wonderful gift for children because they educate while they fascinate Yes, children love them and learn from them, too Love them because each doll is in full color Stands up by itself has a real feather plume in its hat and learn from them because Inside each doll is a clever rhyme story about the land it comes from now listen These colorful hallmark dolls that children love and that educators say are a fine influence on young minds Costs only 25 cents each and are as easy to send as any hallmark greeting card There is a big hallmark doll collectors album to keep them in two and it's only 50 cents For only one dollar you can get the album and two hallmark dolls of the nations see them tomorrow at the store Where you buy your hallmark greeting cards Now here again is James Hilton Thank You Bob Hope for giving us your usual great performance and you played the part of that Cleveland picture with real feeling Well, believe me after the past couple of days. I have a lot of feeling for those Cleveland pictures Of course, you know, I'll be sitting in that stadium tomorrow watching them in my hometown They gotta take protection law Mr. Hilton But my hats off to all those Cleveland boys the way they're playing and also the Braves they're putting up a nice fight Say while I'm tipping my top piece I'd like to say thanks to the hallmark people for those wonderful dolls of the nations albums They sent to my kids, you know Linda and Tony have learned a lot about the world from these dolls Of course, they were a little surprised when they found out that the Chamber of Commerce allowed the Sun to shine outside of Los Angeles County But they're mighty pleased with a gift and they should be those dolls are great. Thanks to all you hallmark people Thank you again Bob Hope and we warmly invite you and our audience to listen during the following weeks when we on the Hallmark Playhouse will be pleased to bring you such stories as Sinclair Lewis's Arrowsmith Louis Brumfields, Mrs. Parkington and Steven Vincent Bernays Oh, Halloran's luck with some of Hollywood's most distinguished stars taking part in them So plan your Thursdays well ahead and continue to be our guests at the Hallmark Playhouse Until next Thursday then when we present Sinclair Lewis's Arrowsmith starring John Lund. This is James Hilton saying good night It was adapted for radio by Jean Holloway with music composed and conducted by Lynn Murray our director producer Is D angle back Bob Hope appeared through the courtesy of Swan soap and will soon be seen in the paramount picture the pale face Look for hallmark cards that are so lonely in stores that have been carefully selected to give you expert and friendly service Remember hallmark cards when you care enough to send the very best This is Frank Goss saying good night to you all until next week at the same time When James Hilton returns to present Sinclair Lewis's Arrowsmith starring John Lund From the Hallmark Playhouse. This is CBS the Columbia Broadcasting System