 Hello and happy Saturday my beautiful internet friends still rocking like the no makeup thing I have like lip gloss on but just been really tired of makeup lately. I don't know just done with it for now Yeah, anyways today. We're gonna be talking about why I quit smoking now when I tell people I used to smoke They're usually perplexed. I guess I don't strike people as a smoker or an ex smoker Which honestly makes sense a lot of things about my lifestyle don't really point in the direction that I ever would have smoked But I did I smoked really heavily for about 11 months and by heavily I mean I went from never having a cigarette in my life to smoking almost a pack a day Probably a half a pack a day on any given day a little bit more sometimes and honestly I had no intention of ever slowing down or stopping because I really enjoyed it for a variety of reasons Which we'll get into and and why I started was important But then something happened something changed and I just I knew that I knew that I had to make a change But that change was not easy to make. This is not an anti-smoking PSA But in some ways it is please know that if you're a smoker I get it I've been there and I'm not telling you you suck or you should you know stop right now because I know the struggle and I Get it, but I also knew that for my health and for other reasons which we're about to talk about I just couldn't do it anymore and this is just my story So as many of you guys know that I was in a pretty bad place a few years ago back in 2011 I Went through some pretty rough stuff. I was raped. I was in a super abusive relationship I was in a church that was a very bad situation to be in and then essentially lost my entire support system when Everything that I had been going through came to like I didn't lose my entire support system But everything changed and I was barely hanging on when you go through something like that You're a different person. At least that's what I felt like and the way that I cope all things considered honestly I don't think was the worst thing in the world was I started smoking like all the time Heavily and I would hop in my car I'd crack the driver's side window a little bit and I would drive and listen to music and try to get away from that Sinking impending feeling of I don't want to be alive anymore And I did that for months and it's on my back porch and I'd smoke and I'd sit on my roof And I'd smoke and I journal and I'd smoke one thing that was really helpful about it And the hardest thing to stop is that a couple of friends that I had at that time were smokers and some of the best Conversations we had were sharing a cigarette and God, this is uncomfortable to talk about. I haven't talked about this stuff in a long time Yeah, anyways, the funny thing is I was also really active I was also really physically active and in shape at that point and I felt it like I freaking felt it The impact it had on my body and my lungs my cardio went from like here to like There quickly and I'd also started training mixed martial arts at that time and was Committed to it as much as I could be with the ankle situation I had walking into your gym smelling like smoke is not a great thing to do And so I try to like cover up with body spray and I think I thought that I fooled people I'm certain that I didn't like cuz like you can still smell smoke on people I attempted to cover it up at least I was intensely ashamed of it But I also it was like the only thing that I was holding on to drew kind of like an internal self-portrait that I can't find I've been looking for it where I drew a picture of a girl like holding on to a cigarette over a ledge And that was the only thing keeping her afloat from plunging to her death because like I said I really was extremely suicidal extremely depressed and didn't want to be on the planet But smoking health for like two seconds even though it was really hurting me at the same time and there are better ways to Copa things that was what I chose to do and it sucks you in you know I went from smoking like a cigarette or two a day to smoking way more than that and the effects on my body I noticed but I didn't care about because I didn't care a lot about myself at that point. Yeah, I felt that I was getting weaker Yeah, I felt that it was affecting my cardio. Yeah, I knew that it was like slowly killing me But also if you don't care that much about yourself for being here Why would those things be super concerning to you and they weren't to me and then I met brahman We met at a jiu-jitsu tournament that I was watching he had come up with my gym He was visiting from New York and he made me laugh that time in my life where I wasn't laughing like ever and We struck up a relationship and pretty quickly became boyfriend and girlfriend dating as I got to know him He told me the story of how his father passed away and it will always break my heart But I never got to meet his dad's dad was a really cool guy But his dad smoked super heavily like really really heavily his entire life and his dad had had four heart attacks So before he passed away and after every one of those the doctors warned him so heavily against you have to stop smoking you have to stop it and drinking and his dad would get home from the hospital and Just go straight for the cigarettes and as my love for Brian quickly grew and as I had You know that that that person in my life. I realized that me smoking was probably really messing with him He never asked me to stop he never was like you need to quit doing that Like it hurts my feelings or reminds me of a bad time or like my dad died from that What are you doing? But the connection is pretty clear like he was very seriously dating someone who was a heavy smoker and his dad had died from that And I made the decision one night when I was kind of tipsy. I told him I'm going to stop I'm gonna stop cool turkey, and then I woke up the next morning was like dear god Why did I tell him that that was the worst thing ever like I can't stop I can't just quit like what? Oh, and then I did because I said I would and for three days I felt like crap like I had some serious withdrawals going on but after three days it was okay, and it was hard losing the community of like Smoking and talking to friends that was one of the hardest things and it was really hard driving around listening to music in My car and not being able to smoke anymore, and I would love to say like I quit smoking and I never had another cigarette ever again Yeah, but that's not the story any time that Brian and I went through something really rough or you know broke up for a couple days Or whatever I would immediately go to the gas station buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke and then stop again And then I convinced myself briefly that like e-cigarettes were fine and smoke those for a little while and then realize That that's also just crap and an excuse and stopped and I haven't smoked in many years, and I miss it all the time I hate saying that I really hate saying that but I miss it all the time. It was an enjoyable break from reality It helped me cope during a time that was really rough, but it was also killing me Kiddies are making noises behind me. Anyway, the longer you smoke the harder it is to quit You still can but it gets more difficult and it was a way of getting through a really rough time It wasn't the best way of getting through that time It was a tool that I used and I'm really glad that I stopped. I'm really glad that I don't smoke anymore I'm really glad that I was able to see that I was worth that and if that's something that you're struggling with believe me I get it believe me. I understand how hard the draw is. I mean nicotine is great, but it's also not great So I'm not sitting here being all high and mighty saying like ah if you're smoking you should stop smoking because It's really hard and I get how nice it is because I miss it all the time But I can tell you from personal experience. It was a thousand percent worth it to stop I found different ways of dealing with things. I journaled more. I really committed to athletics I was way more active at my gym as much as I could be again with the physical issues I was dealing with started drawing more and and looked at healthier ways to cope and that got me to a much better place Than continuing to smoke wood. I would never recommend starting I would never recommend ever trying smoking to anybody because it's hard to let go of and it doesn't just Leave you like I haven't smoked in years. I still think about it weekly at least So that's how I quit I quit cold turkey took about three days to feel physically okay But then I went back to it a couple times until I finally stopped. Thank you for listening to my story guys I would love to hear your stories again. There's zero judgment I get it if this is something you do something that you do want to stop or you don't want to stop I get it to get both sides of it I really do but what I can tell you is that my lack of motivation to stop smoking Came from a place of not thinking that I was worth it of not thinking my health was work worth it if not really wanting to stick around on the planet anyways and I was able to work through those things and realize that I'm absolutely Worth fighting for my health is worth fighting for and so is yours whatever that looks like for you Yeah, and it's weird. I told you guys a lot of stuff But telling you that I used to smoke is weirdly exposing for me I don't know why so especially thank you for listening to today's story Let me know what you guys are thinking about Saturday story time if I should keep it going I like telling you guys stories that are just from different parts of my life different times of my life Sometimes from a long time ago that feel very far away. I love you guys. I'm thinking about you I will talk to you soon. Bye guys hang in there