 I think this video is for anyone else who's ever lost a pet because I'm very confused by what I'm feeling. Hello there, my beautiful internet friends. I had to say goodbye to Monkey last week, very unexpectedly. Many of you who have been on the channel or followed me for some time will be very familiar with this cute little face. Out of kind of nowhere, she started coughing a lot last week. And the vets initially thought it was bronchitis or pneumonia, tried to treat her for that. Definitely didn't get any better. And then analysis came back on tests and it turned out that she had cancer that had spread everywhere. And she just didn't like show any signs of it because she's a tough little cookie until it was really bad. So I had to make the decision at a time when I was not expecting to have to make it to put her down because I didn't want her to like hurt. I'm very confused by what I'm feeling. I've never lost a pet before that was mine. I've lost family pets before. We lost Louis who was Brian's cat last year. But I've never lost a pet that was mine. I found her off of Craigslist. Maybe not the safest place to get a dog but it sure worked out here. I actually saw her on Craigslist and then later in the day went to a dog park with Sadie here. And saw her at the dog park and talked to her owner who was looking for a new home for her. And it kind of felt like fate. And I brought her home that night and she was perfect. And then her and Sadie kept me company. Really very sincerely saved me at a time in my life when I was very much not okay. I had recently gone through a lot of trauma and was just in broken little pieces. About a month after I got her I went on a road trip across the country. Just me and monkey to visit some friends because I had to leave. And she was little and easy to transport. And so I took her with me and we really bonded on that trip. She sat on the passenger seat next to me and just kind of like sat up in the seat. The whole trip. If you met her you loved her. Like I have three dogs and I love them all so perfectly. They're perfect little creatures. But if anyone met my three dogs they always gravitated towards monkey. Because she was a sweet little thing. It would like sit back and just like reach up to you with her paws. And you couldn't help but like hold them and pet her and love her. And Brian and I both thought we had a lot more time with her. She's also the one who never really got sick. Like I have two German shepherds and they get sick sometimes. They get upset stomachs and sometimes their digestion gets off. And you know they're kind of finicky. But monkey was this little tank. And last week she got sick. And I thought she'd be fine. And then she wasn't fine. There's so many points in my day that are different. When I let the dogs outside and call them in. I'd always like count out loud one two three. As they all came running in to make sure they were all in. And now there's just the two. Oh someone knows when I'm upset. Are you such a good girl? This is little Sophie if you don't know. She's a very good dog. Or feeding them in the morning. You know there's an extra bowl or taking them out for a walk. Suddenly I can handle all of my dogs on my own. Because there's only two of them. The house feels so empty. Brian and I both feel the same way. That like she was a little dog. It's weird how much space in your house. How much space in our house she took up. And I'm not sure how to grieve losing a pet. I'm not sure how people feel when they lose pets. I'm not sure how long how long they feel that way. Brian made a comment the other day that she kind of carried me through. Like I said when I got her I was in a rough spot. And wasn't sure if I was gonna make it. And now I'm in a much better place. Much better place. Mentally emotionally than I was then. And it's like she was there for the whole repair process. She was there for so much healing. I mean literally like there with me. Sitting with me. Like her head in my lap. Her little tail hitting the ground. She gave me and us so much. And it definitely still doesn't feel real. Like I still expect her to walk in the door right? I'm confident that we did the right thing. We had three different vets who told us this is the right choice to make. But it's still so bizarre to like pick up the phone and make that call. I know I'm gonna have to go pick up her like paw print and stuff. And I'm not sure when to get another dog. If we're going to. Like for both Brian and I the house feels really quiet and really empty. And our other two dogs are feeling the effects of this. I don't know when the right time is. If there is a right time. I suppose that's something that I'll figure out with time. There's such a part of me that is like Joe she's just a dog. Get over it. Like it's like this voice of someone very mean who I would never associate with in real life. Who just keeps telling me to like suck it up and be fine because she's just a dog. But like if you've ever had a pet that you cared about. You know that there's such a part of your life. And especially with her being such a large part of my emotional journey to being who I am today. It's so weird that she's not here. It's so weird that she's not like curled up on the couch next to me. Because she'd always be like right over there when I was filming or maybe on the dog beds. I'm very very very grateful that I got to be a part of her life. And she got to be a big part of ours. We literally couldn't have gotten luckier with her. I feel like grief is really weird because there are some moments where I'm like. You know what I miss her but she had a long life and this hurts but it's okay. And there are other moments when this is a dumb story. I was getting ready this morning and got a phone call from like a scam number. When I wasn't expecting it and it interrupted what I was listening to. And I was filled with so much rage. I wanted to like punch a hole through the mirror. Like I had to like whoa Joe like calm down. Like check myself before smashing my mirror. Because it's like the smallest little things. I just feel these like huge surges of emotion and that's what grief is like. It's weird and random and unpredictable. I know that we will be okay. I know that we are not right now. It's a weird thing to have to go through. You know for like two years now my counselor has been talking to me about just feeling things. Instead of trying to predict and control and stifle emotions. I feel all those old impulses bubbling back up. To like nope not gonna feel it just not gonna. Nope I'm good. Or to rationalize my way out of feeling anything. Which I'm also very talented at. Let me know if you're talented at that too it's a special skill. But some things should be felt. I think this kind of a loss is something that deserves to be felt. Because it's significant and it's hard and it's weird. I wanted to make this video both to let you know what's going on. Because I felt weird just hopping back in front of a camera without explaining this. Because she was such a significant part of me and of our lives. It felt ingenuous in that's not a word. I don't know. It felt insincere to try to brush over this without talking about it. Part of loving things is sometimes losing them. And it makes you want to just not. And I imagine it's probably gonna hurt for a little while. And then I imagine it's probably gonna get a little less sharp as time goes on. And I'm gonna do my best to ride that out. I think that's everything I had to say. If you've ever gone through this I'm very sorry. It's hard and weird and confusing and painful. Thank you for listening. Thank you for taking some time out of your day to sit here with me. In my on the edge of tears speaking today. And hear a little bit about Miss Monkey. Thank you to everyone who cared about her on this channel and on my pages. So many people thought she was the best because she was. I know she'll be missed by a lot of people. So thank you for listening. Thank you to my patrons for supporting this channel. Enabling me to make these videos. And to you watching this video right now. Thank you for spending a few minutes out of your day here with me today. You could be anywhere else in the world doing anything else. And you chose to hang out with me for a few minutes in my grief. And that means a lot to me. Thank you. I love you guys. I'm thinking about you and I will see you in the next video. Bye guys.