 The Craft Foods Company presents Willard Waterman as the Great Gilded Sleeve. The Great Gilded Sleeve is brought to you partially transcribed by the Craft Foods Company. Craft makers of the one and only Miracle Whip salad dressing. We say one and only because there just isn't any other salad dressing like Miracle Whip. Miracle Whip is different and it tastes different. Miracle Whip tastes so good it's become the most popular salad dressing ever created. More Miracle Whip is sold than the next 20 leading brands of salad dressing combined. Try it. Make your salads better tasting with the one and only Miracle Whip. The Great Gilded Sleeve has never plunged into the sea of matrimony but he does like to dangle his toes in the water once in a while. A few days ago he met a Miss Gloria McKinley, manager of the complaint department at Hogan Brothers. He hasn't had a date with her yet but this afternoon he has persuaded her to let him drive her home from work. Accordingly we find him parked in front of the store with his motor running. I better leave it running too. That policeman in the corner has his eye on me and I'm parked in a loading zone. Well, I'm waiting to pick up a pretty little package. Right George, I want to make a good impression on her. Should have washed the car. I didn't notice Leroy written in the dust in the hood. Oh well. Uh oh, Judge Hooker. He would have to show up. Gilded, you're in a loading zone. I know it, Judge. And your motor's running. I know that too. Why don't you turn it off before it boils over? Well, it is beginning to steam. You better start it up again, Gilded. You're too close to fire plug. Oh my goodness. The only backseat driver I ever saw that stands on the curb. Are you waiting for somebody? Judge, I'm not just sitting here trying to run out of gas. Oh, I know. It's closing time and I'll bet you're waiting for Miss McKinley. Do you have a date? You bet. She's letting me drive her home. Well, I guess she figures out better than taking the bus. Yes, yes. She can save a dime and make fewer stops. Unless you plan to stop and watch the sun setting behind the reservoir. Judge, will you please go away? As it happens, Gilded, I must. I'm going home and reading my 4th of July speech. I'm orating at Craft Park. I thought Congressman Greenhall was going to speak. Well, he's leaving for the convention and I'm reading the speech that he prepared. Oh? I suppose you'll be there to hear me? There must be a better way to spend the 4th than listening to an old goat. Gilded, I don't exactly relish the assignment. Miss Matterhorn is vacationing at Virginia Lakes and I plan to go up there for the 4th. Judge, I don't envy you reading somebody else's speech. Well, if I don't like what the congressman has written, I can always preface it by saying, the views expressed in the speech do not necessarily represent the views of the speaker. Step aside, Judge. Here comes Miss McKinley. Oh, I'll open the door. Judge, let me open it. It's already open. Busy, buddy. Hello, Miss McKinley. Sorry if I kept you waiting, Mr. Gildersley. Not at all. I've kept you entertained. Judge, hop in, Miss McKinley. Oh, thank you. Judge, you may now close the door. Well, aren't you going to introduce me? Oh, all right. Miss McKinley, may I present Judge Hooker. How do you do, Judge? This is a rare pleasure, Miss McKinley. Look at him bow. He's been careful to bump his head in the running board. Goodbye, Judge. Goodbye. Goodbye, Judge. I told you goodbye, Gildy. Why don't you go? Yes, yes. Come on, car. Could your car be out of gas? Oh, the water commissioner doesn't burn gas. He burns water. Oh, Judge. Don Kai would have to embarrass me at a time like this. My, my, what a noisy car. Goodbye, Judge. Why don't you bring it to the park on the 4th and we'll use it instead of firecrackers? Comedians. Is Judge Hooker a friend of yours? He poses as one. Well, all in one afternoon I've met a distinguished judge and I'm being driven home by the city water commissioner. Well, Miss McKinley, you'd be riding in a new car if this wasn't election year. You've heard the cracks about freezers and fur coats and stuff like that, I guess. Uh-huh. You men in the public eye have so many things to think about. Well, scarcely a day goes by that I don't think about something. I've always wondered what important men talk about. Yes, so have I. Oh! You mean the judge and me. Of course. You don't have to be so modest, Mr. Gildersley. Well, thank you. Well, now, what problems were you two men wrestling with? Oh, nothing important, really. When you came up we were just discussing the 4th of July speech. Oh, are you going to deliver the speech at the 4th of July celebration? Me? Oh, thrilling! Well, anyway, that's what the judge and I were discussing. And he was asking you to deliver the speech. Well, no, not exactly, Ms. McKinley. Originally our congressman was supposed to make the speech. But he couldn't be here, so he had to ask somebody else. So the congressman himself asked you, are you a close friend of his too? Well, I voted for him. He helped put him in office, I mean. How wonderful that he asked you to take his place. What are you going to say in front of all those people, Mr. Gildersley? Well, frankly, I haven't given it much thought. I suppose that's a problem to an experienced orator like you. Well, you can be sure I'll come up with something. I wonder what I will come up with. So that's how it happened, Marjorie. Now I'm behind the 8-ball. Anki, why did you lead her to believe you were going to make the speech? I didn't. When a woman wants to believe something, she just believes it. I've got an idea, Anki. What's that, Leroy? Tell me you can't make the speech because you have laryngitis. But I don't have laryngitis. Go get your feet wet and catch it. Leroy, don't be ridiculous. I'm not even supposed to give this speech. That's Judge Hooker's job. Why didn't you just tell her Judge Hooker was supposed to do it? Well, she made it sound like such a big thing. I couldn't say no. She'll probably be sitting in the front row, and if I don't appear, she'll think I'm a braggart. Yeah. She'll think I'm just trying to attract attention to myself. Yeah. She'll lose respect for me. Yeah. She'll think I'm just a big... Windbag? Yeah. Yeah, well, don't put words in my mouth. Okay. Well, what are you going to do, Anki? Well, now that I'm in this deep, there's only one thing to do. Call her and tell her she made a mistake about the whole thing. She made a mistake? Well, she got the wrong impression. I'll tell her Judge Hooker is making the speech. Oh, I think that's very wise, Anki. You bet. She'll like me better if I tell her the truth. Yeah, I'll drive over and see her right now and clear up the situation. All right, Birdie. If it's for me, I'm just leaving. Yes, Mr. President. One moment, please. If you, Mr. Kelsey. I said I was leaving. Yes, but this is a lady. And when there's a lady on the phone, I know you ain't going nowhere. Ms. McKinley? Oh, yes. Ms. McKinley. Well, I was just thinking about you. There's something I want to talk to you about. Oh, I hope you don't think it's terrible of me to phone you, but there's something I must talk to you about, too. Good. Glad you called, but first let me clear up something about that 4th of July speech. Speech of yours is what has me so excited. I've just had the most mar- Oh? Hogan Brothers is having a special 4th of July window display. You're fine. Now, about the speech. I'm coming to that. I'm so thrilled about your making the speech. The sign in the window? Telling people not to miss the important address to be delivered in Craft Park. Zeke. Ms. McKinley, you shouldn't have done that. Oh, it was nothing. Yes, it was. You don't understand. Suppose I don't even make the speech. No, wait a minute, Ms. McKinley. Mr. Kills? Ms. McKinley. I'd never do that. What did you want to talk to me about? Clearing up. Clearing up. Oh, yes, yes. Well, it's a little cloudy. I hope the weather clears up so I can give that speech. The sun is shining at my house. It isn't shining over here. Worried and wrinkled. Leroy, I'm not wrinkled. And I do feel better this morning. I don't get it. You meet a new girl and the first time you take her out you get yourself in a big hassle. I'm not in a hassle. I figured the whole thing out. Judge Hooker doesn't want to make the Fourth of July speech anyway. All I have to do is offer to make it for him. You'll be delighted. Then he can go to Virginia Lakes and see Ms. Matterhorn. He'd rather look at Ms. Matterhorn than make a speech. Well, there's no accounting for taste. Yeah, I'm stopping here in the judge's office, my boy. See you later. The judge's door is open. Look at him wave his arms. I wonder if he's practicing his speech or there's a bee in his office. I'd like to preface my remarks by relating an amusing little anecdote. He's working on his speech all right. On the way to Kraft Park this afternoon I met two gentlemen named Patton Mike. Patton Mike. Judge! Pat said to Mike. Judge, do you mind if I interrupt? Oh, hello, Gelde. I was just rehearsing the opening of my Fourth of July address. Well, Judge, you can forget the speech. What? I know your heart isn't in it. You'd rather go up and join Ms. Matterhorn. Well, the speech is knocking out of the trip. It doesn't have to. I've come to do you a big favor, old friend. Oh? I've decided to make the speech for you. You have? Why? Why? Well, Judge, don't ask silly questions. Just take advantage of my generous offer and hit the road. Gelde, why are you so anxious to get me out of town? You must have a reason. I'm only thinking of you and Ms. Matterhorn. You know you want to be with her and she wants to be with you. Well, yes, she does. I had a card from her this morning saying, having wonderful time, wish you were here. You see, Judge, now get going and forget about the speech. Just hand it to me. Now, I'd better make the speech. The congressman asked me. Well, you can ask me. Go ahead, ask me. I'll do it. In fact, I've got to do it. I won't do that to our congressman. Oop. You know I'm a better speaker than you are. Is that so? I heard you speak at the else club once. And even the stuffed elk got up and walked out. Yeah. The Great Gilda Slee will be back in just a minute. The time is early evening. The place is your dining room. The table is set with your best linen and china and silver because you're expecting guests. And you, the hostess and star of this drama, are proudly bringing in the most beautiful and elegant looking salad you've ever fixed. You're relaxed too. Sure that this salad will taste just as delicious as it looks because you've used the salad dressing you know will give it just the right flavor. Miracle Whip. Miracle Whip salad dressing has a flavor millions of folks call just exactly right. It's a lively, teasing flavor. Distinctive too. One you won't find in any other salad dressing. That's because Miracle Whip is a different kind of salad dressing. It's made from a secret craft recipe and gives you the best qualities of old-fashioned boiled dressing and fine rich mayonnaise. Miracle Whip has a perfect texture too. Creamy thick and smooth as satin because this salad dressing is blended carefully with special craft beaters. No wonder it's America's favorite salad dressing. The most popular salad dressing ever created. So whether you're fixing fancy company salads or the simplest salad in the world for your family remember to make it extra delicious. Make it with Miracle Whip. Well the great Gildersley was so anxious to impress his new girlfriend, Miss McKinley, that he was willing to let her believe he was making the important 4th of July address in Craft Park. Now the water commissioner is in hot water. The judge certainly did surprise me, Marjorie. He didn't care a thing about making the speech until he found out somebody else wanted to do it. Well, that's a very human reaction, Anki. That's the trouble with the old goat. He's too human. He immediately suspected that I was up to something. Weren't you? Well, naturally. But what sort of a friend is he to accuse me of it? Ain't you giving the speech, Miss Gildersley? Apparently not, Bertie. Yes, sir. But there's a sign in Hogan Brothers' window that says you are. I know, Bertie. It says here, Commissioner Throckmorton P. Gildersley speak on the 4th of July. I saw that sign, Bertie, but it's misleading. Then you're not reading the congressman's speech? No. The congressman really asked the judge. Because the congressman didn't want to? Well, he wanted to, but he couldn't, Bertie. Yes, ma'am. And the judge didn't want to, but I do, so now he wants to. Oh, yes, sir. I wonder if that speech knows who's going to make it. What do you mean, Bertie? Well, the congressman wanted to make it, but he couldn't, and the judge could and would, but he didn't want to. Then you come along and want to, but couldn't, because when you wanted the judge to give it up, he wouldn't. Bertie, it isn't funny. No, sir. Anki, don't you think you should call Miss McKinley and tell her to take that sign out of the window? Well, I'm going to phone the judge and give him one more chance to change his mind. I hate to crawl back to him and beg him, but beggars can't be choosers. Hello, judge, about that speech you don't want to give. What about it, Yeller? Well, I just wondered if you wouldn't reconsider. I have reconsidered. You have? Oh, my goodness. I saw that sign in Hogan Brothers' window. Well, then you see, I have to make the speech, or I'll be the laughing stock of the town. Good, may do. But I have stopped by the cleaners from a blue suit. The only one that I can wear for this. You don't have another suit? When I thought I was going to rough it at Virginia Lakes, I sent all my suits to cleaners. They're rushing my blue surge for me. Well, Boris, old friend, if you're so busy, why don't I stop by and pick up your suit for you? Would you do that for me, guilty? You bet. Naturally, I want to do anything I can to help make the Fourth of July a success. Well, guilty, be sure to pick it up at four or five. The cleaners are closed over the fort. Don't worry, judge, you'll have something to wear. Thank you, guilty old friend, now I'm getting in. Yeah, I have to get busy, too. Goodbye, judge. Goodbye. You don't seem a least bit upset about not getting to make the speech. Oh, not a bit, my dear. Just imagine, the judge doesn't have a thing to wear tomorrow. What's so funny? Uncle, you are going to pick up the judge's suit, aren't you? Sure, but there could be many a slip between the cleaners and Judge Hooker's house. Birdie! Is Leroy's little blue suit up in the closet? You're pretty clever. Pretty clever the way you out-foxed the judge. I had quite a time explaining why I didn't bring the suit by last night. Now it's too late for him to do anything about it. Oh, wait until he tries to put on Leroy's suit. He's lucky for the old judge. I can step into the breach, though. I can see you, Miss McKinley, now, sitting in the front row, in something summery, listening to me give the speech. Well, guilty, it's about time you got here. Hello, Judge. Here's the suit in the bag. All right, give it to me. Don't be so impatient, Judge. If you'll excuse me, I'll slip into the next room. I want to dress and rehearse my speech in front of the mirror. Oh, brother, wait until he sees himself in that suit. If you hadn't shown up with this suit, I'd have had to leave for Virginia Lakes. I certainly couldn't make the speech in my bathing suit. Well, your barber pole swimsuit covers you pretty well, Judge. Guilty. Are you sure this is my suit? It's blue surge. That's funny. You's awfully small. And maybe you've gained weight, Judge. I might have gained a couple of pounds, but I know I haven't grown this much. Why, the pants, cuffs come clear up to my knees. They do? Well, come in here and look at this. I'd like to. This is ridiculous. Oh, my goodness. Judge, you can't stand up in public like that. Stand up. I can't even sit down. Judge, don't try it. I can't bend. See? That's my new suit. I'm going to need it. It's Preston in the closet. Are you making the speech? You bet. The judge is on his way to Virginia Lakes. Yes. You should have seen him trying to squeeze into Leroy's pants. Yes. Where's Leroy's suit now? Too well. I'll have to buy him a new one. But it was worth it. That's your trick, the old judge. Yes, but this ain't April Fool's Day, you know. What's this, Bertie? This is the 4th of July and that's Independence Day. It ain't April Fool's Day. No, Bertie. The judge don't get to speak and Leroy lost his pants, but that don't make it April Fool's Day. This is Independence Day and you don't fool around with independence. You're all right. Mr. Gillsley, you know why you don't play April Fool jokes on the 4th of July? Yes, Bertie. That's Independence Day and you don't fool around with independence. Good old Bertie. She takes Independence Day pretty seriously. Well, I do too. That's why I want to be with Ms. McKinley. She seems to like big shots and by George that's exactly what I am. I'll mesmerize her with my speech and then take her to the hot dog stand. Never mind, Bertie. I'm right here. I wonder who that is. Hope the judge didn't decide to come back and speak in his bathing suit. Hello, Dr. Morton. Ms. McKinley, I didn't expect to see you. Come in. I haven't time. I just stopped by on my way out of town. Out of town? But I just couldn't leave without wishing you luck with your speech today. Ms. McKinley, you're not going to be there? Oh, didn't I tell you? I'm going to Hogan Brothers 4th of July picnic with the assistant manager. Assistant manager? Did I thought you wanted to hear me speak? Oh, I do. But I can't afford to offend the assistant manager. You can't? Mr. Gildersleeve, he's an important man. But what about me? Oh, you can read me the speech some other time. Goodbye now and I'll be thinking about you every minute. Big help. Why, Cunk? Oh, I don't care whether I go or not, Leroy. Somehow my heart isn't in reading the speech. Well, gosh, he sure worked enough angles to get the chance. Now, Leroy, all this is Judge Hooker's doings. What? What a sneaky thing to do. Run off to Virginia Lakes and have the time of his life, toss his old speech in my lap. Get him. Oh, brother. I don't have to make this speech. I'm not trying to impress anybody. Oh, that's right. She ran out on you, didn't she? Leroy. Mr. Gildersleeve. Oh, no, Bertie. It's getting late. I see people heading for Kraft Park. I'm afraid of the Boy Scout, Cunk. Good for you, my boy. I just saw a man in a uniform pass here with a bass drum. There's going to be big doings today. Great. Leroy, I think I'll let you take the speech down and give it to somebody on the committee. Yeah? Who? Well, give it to Mr. Sprague. He likes to be in the limelight. Is this a speech here on the table? What's the speech about? It says freedom. And you ain't going to read it, Mr. Gildersleeve? Bertie, it isn't my job. Congressman Greenhall wrote the speech as his job to give it. Yes. Then it was the judge's job. Then they wished the job on to me. Yes, sir. Hey, young, it says here that freedom is everybody's job. What's that? The speech says the survival of our freedom depends on everybody. Who? And listen to this. If we want to preserve the liberties we commemorate on this 4th of July, each of us must conscientiously work at being good citizens. Yes, sir. If you want to do anything right, you got to work at it. If you want to be a good cook, you got to work at it. If you want to be a good citizen, you got to work at it. That's true, Bertie. Hey, get a load of this, honk. Being a good citizen means voting in elections, keeping informed and making our opinions known to our representatives, serving on juries and school boards, and honk. When you wiggled out a jury duty. Well, I did get off the jury, but I was serving on the school board at the time. Let me see that speech, Leroy. Sure. Hmm. It represents... Hmm. This makes a lot of sense. Our American heritage, the rights and liberties which we cherish, must be made an increasingly vital part of our everyday life. We must work together to keep our freedom, not just take it for granted. That's right. By George, we'd better watch it. We could lose some of those liberties before we know it. Come on, Leroy, we're going down to Kraft Park and tell them a thing or two. The Great Gilda Slave will be with us again in just 30 seconds. Too hot to cook, make a cool, easy salad main dish, and make it really delicious with Miracle Whip salad dressing. Hmm, and I mean really delicious, because Miracle Whip has such a wonderful flavor, a peppy flavor, a flavor that folks everywhere call just right. It's a different flavor too, one no other salad dressing has. Try Miracle Whip on the very next salad you make. See how much better tasting your salads are when you make them with the one and only Miracle Whip salad dressing. You got the speed, Junk? You bet. Right here in my inside pocket. Boy, if you lost that, you'd be sunk. Oh, I don't know. Oh, you've got to have something to read. You haven't got it memorized. Well, I'd get up there and say something. I know a few things, my boy. I've got quite a bit of history right at my fingertips. Yeah? Yes, indeed. Did you know, my boy, that yesterday was the 85th birthday of one of our closest neighbors? Oh, Mr. Bullard? Mr. Bullard, no. It was the 85th birthday of our country's good neighbor to the north, Canada. No kidding. That's right. The United States and Canada have been good neighbors for more years than you could count, working together, each contributing to the prosperity of the other. We have the kind of working friendship that should be a lesson and an inspiration to other countries all over the world. All right, George, let's all wish Canada happy birthday. Good night, folks. The Great Gilded Sleeve is played by Willard Waterman. The show is written by John Elliott and Andy White and is partially transcribed. Included in the cast are Walter Tetley, Mary Lee Robb, Lillian Randolph, Earl Ross, and Gloria Blondel. Musical compositions by Jack Meakin. This is John Heaston saying good night for the Kraft Foods Company, makers of the famous line of Kraft quality food products. Be sure to listen in next Wednesday and every Wednesday throughout the summer for the further adventures of The Great Gilded Sleeve. Who likes sandwiches just about everyone when they're made with Miracle Sandwich Spread? Miracle Sandwich Spread gives sandwiches a wonderfully different, delicious flavor. Created by Kraft, Miracle Sandwich Spread is made from America's favorite salad dressing, Miracle Whip and Spicy Relishes. For quick, easy, thrifty sandwiches, use Miracle Sandwich Spread alone between slices of bread or use it along with the meat or cheese sandwich filling you like best. Get it tomorrow, Miracle Sandwich Spread. Tonight, hear the best of Groucho Marks on NBC.