 dedicated to the strength of the nation proudly we hail he fits Gerald in the local Calarney United States Army and United States Air Force presentation now here is our producer the well-known Hollywood showman CP McGregor thank you thank you and greetings from Hollywood ladies and gentlemen welcome to your theater of stars where each week your favorites from the world's film capital join us for your entertainment that lovable and salty actor Barry Fitz Gerald is our proudly we hail star and portrays a typical Broom and Hand Irish janitor in our comedy the luck of Calarney when an efficiency expert tangles with Barry and attempts to retire him for being over age he learns how the Spanish war veteran depends his job and how things were handled back in 98 the curtain for act one of the luck of Calarney in just a moment here now is Wendell Niles with an important message everywhere in the world the uniform of the United States Army and United States Air Force is more than a uniform it's a badge of courage a symbol of freedom and democracy this fact has been true for more than a hundred years true since the first American soldiers set foot beyond our borders as the representative of our country and the principles for which we stand no other armed service holds the respective millions everywhere as ours does think of this and you will have every reason to be proud of the men who wear the uniforms of the United States Army and United States Air Force now back at the microphone our producer the curtain rises an act one of the luck of Calarney starring Barry Fitzgerald as Tom O'Reilly there was a touch of Calarney green in Kings a branch of the well-known department store chain that stretched from Maine to California a touch of Calarney and a person of Tom O'Reilly veteran of the Spanish-American war who has been a maintenance man in the store for more year-all as our story begins we find this venerable old gentleman broom in hand sweeping out the office of Brighton Pell the store's efficiency expert who has long been emulating a comb getting into everybody's hair as O'Reilly sweeps Pell's charming secretary Edith Winston enters good morning mr. O'Reilly Well, hello, Edith. And how are you this fine morning? Oh, pretty good. You? I couldn't be finer if I was made of gold. You're always so chipper. Well, I suppose you've heard the news. Mr. Adams is gone, transferred to Jacksonville. No. Yes, we're to have a new general manager. Yes, you won't say. And in the meantime, if the genius takes over. Not mahogany head. Yes, Mr. Pell's. Well, that could be worse. You don't have to work all day in the same office with that breathing hulk of efficiency. No, but it's only for a bit, child. As I was telling a few of the boys the other night who went through the Spanish-American war with me. Well, we once had a fellow in our outfit called Fleetmouth Cassidy. The scourge of Chickamauga. Blootmouth? Yeah, that was one of the more considered names we had from. Oh. He got out snort and man. Well, we thought we'd never get him out of our bags there, Chickamauga. But finally, finally we got him moved over with the other snorers. Did that help? Oh, no, and. But Fleetmouth, well, he was so loud he even woke up the snorers. So they put him in the bags all by himself. Oh, well, I suppose that fixed it, huh? Well, everyone concerned they did. Fleetmouth started waking himself up, developed insomnia, and as far as I know hasn't snorged since. Oh, Mr. O'Reilly, some of your stories. Of course, I shouldn't really mention Fleetmouth in the same breath with mahogany head. But the same thing here, child. We'll move Mr. Pears out of these bags when the right time comes. You know, Mr. O'Reilly, I'd like to be around you. No, thank you, child. Where do you get such a sunny disposition? How can you be so happy just? Yeah, you mean just leaning on a broom? Well, I'll tell you, child. It's just like I have my own little corner of the universe to keep clean. It's me responsibility I enjoy. Good morning, Miss Winston. Good morning, Mr. Pears. I'm three minutes late. I'm sorry. I missed two traffic signals. Don't quite know the route yet. Oh, well, O'Reilly. Morning, Mr. Pears. Come here, O'Reilly. Yes, sir. What is it, sir? Are you in the habit of cleaning this file? Oh, yes, I am. Then clean it. No, but I dusted it thoroughly only this morning. Dusting isn't enough. Get yourself a nail file or some other such tool. A nail file? Wrap around the end of the nail file. One thickness of cloth. What for? What for? The centers of these screw heads are a disgrace. Oh, sir, boy must be insane. Well, you certainly must arrive. Do it the first time and do it right. Now remember, that is our byword. No, no, no, no. Go. There's something else I wish to speak to you about. Let me see what escapes me at the moment. Oh, Miss Winston. Yes, Mr. Pears. Take a memorandum. Yes, sir. Attention all sales personnel. Subject, sharpening of pencils. It has come to the attention of the acting general manager. That certain personnel have been negligent in the matter of sharpening pencils. Breaking points carelessly and indiscriminately. Please exercise care and this operation in the future. Signed, brightened pearls, acting general manager. Will that be all, Mr. Pears? Yes, just tell the department managers by telephone to check the pencil sharpener reservoirs for broken points. I want to be sure this memorandum affects an improvement. Very good, Mr. Pears. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, all right, yes. Now I know what I don't want to talk to you about. Yes, sir. And it isn't very pleasant. Yeah, I thought it was probably something nauseating. Yeah, you're psychic, O'Reilly. You see, I've had the brooms of all janitors checked for wear during the last month. And yours, O'Reilly, is a quarter of an inch longer than the rest. A quarter of an inch less wear than the rest. And you're wrong. No. You see, O'Reilly, I have my ways of finding out who leans on the broom all day. Oh, Mr. Pears, I'm surprised you should make such an allegation. That you can stand here accusing me of laziness when you should be complimenting me. Oh, is that so? And then how do you account for the fact that your broom shows? Being a master of me trades, sir, I take fewer stoves per square foot of space covered. Oh, is that so? Oh, my, well, I hadn't thought of that. Yes, I'd be glad to teach me techniques of the others. Oh, well, yes. Then it's a good idea, O'Reilly. Yes, well, we'll have to try that. Yes, well, I think I'll go down to the beverage bar and count noses. So much time is wasted there. I'll be back shortly, Miss Winston. Oh, good for you, Mr. O'Reilly. He thought he had me for a minute, didn't he? Oh, he sure did. Say, I'd better empty the pencil sharpener before Mr. Nosey gets back. You too? Yes. I think I broke a point a couple of weeks ago. Morning, Mr. O'Reilly. Hello, Waldo. Good morning, darling. Waldo. I mean, good morning, Miss Winston. Yeah, say, what is this? What's wrong with the two of you? Nothing. I have the mail, Waldo. Oh, sure, here. Just a minute, Waldo. Isn't that a wedding band on your left hand? Oh, so it is. Oh, Waldo, I told you not to wear it. But it's so pretty. Then it's that the two of you, you're married. Yes, Mr. O'Reilly. You're the only one in the store to know it. Waldo and I, we've been married a year. Well, what? Congratulations. She gave it to me on our anniversary. We couldn't afford it when we were first married. And we couldn't afford it now. Give it to me, Waldo. Oh, Eda. Thank you. I told you never to wear it at the store. You know Mr. Pell's rule about married couples. He says they're inefficient. He would. Why, only last week, he fired a couple who got married. Oh, Waldo, have you been wearing this ring all morning? Oh, yes, but I. Oh, somebody surely saw it. And at a time like this, when we both need our jobs more than at any time before. Now, what is it, media? What is it? You tell Mr. O'Reilly, Waldo. I'm about to become a father. That's downright beautiful. Mr. O'Reilly, you don't think anybody saw the ring on Waldo, do you? Well, Waldo. Oh, yes, Mr. Pellse. I find you here. Yes, you find me here. What's wrong with you, Waldo? Are you married to this rule? They're looking for their male in accounting. Nice of accounting. I'll get it right down to them. Come back, Waldo. What's that? You've dropped a paperclip. Well, Mr. O'Reilly, how do you like the new company restaurant, Mr. Pellse started? Well, the food's all right, lad, but they don't give you enough of it. Portions are pretty small. Oh, sure. You know what he has in the kitchen there? No, what? He has a p-counter. Counts out exactly 30 p's per plate. No more, no less. Excuse me. What is this? You've used two paper knack, and please make one do next time. Yes, yes. Paper is still one of our scarcest commodities, you know. Come on, Waldo. I can't stand it another minute. That pair is making a sweet little girl prattle that sort of thing to you when you're trying to fill your stomach. Oh, I sure hope nobody saw that ring and told him about it. I was crazy to wear it, I guess, at a time like this. So you're going to be a father. I am, and believe me, I'm plenty nervous. Ah, there's no reason that way. Fathers have been having children killed down through the age. Well, not my child, they haven't. Well, look out, listen, big boy, you've many great things to look forward to. And one in particular. Oh, what's that, Mr. O'Reilly? The day you bring your boy home his first electric train. Electric train? Wow, I had a swell one. Signals, automatic switches, boy, what if we have a girl? Well, you still have an excuse. You buy the train for the boy that's coming next time. Gee, thanks. I like the way you figure, Mr. O'Reilly. I just hope everything works out all right, and nobody reports that ring to Mr. Pells. Edith gets very tough with me sometimes. Oh, aren't there sheets, those things, aren't you? Yes, and just her wind-up is something fierce. Well, don't worry, lad, I feel it in me bones. Everything is going to be fine. Good morning, Edith. You. Me? Yes, you. What's happened to you? Oh, everything. Mr. Pells knows all about Waldo and me being married. He's gone down now to get Waldo. Yeah, but I didn't tell anyone. Did somebody spot the ring that day? Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, but then how? How? You had to talk to Waldo about electric trains. That's how. Yeah, but this makes no sense to him. Oh, yes, it does. You light the fire, so Waldo has to go down and buy one. They don't sell trains here, but Waldo finds out where they do. He has to go out and buy an electric train for the baby I'm not even going to have for five months. Yeah, but how did Mr. Pells find out? Waldo couldn't pay cash for the train. Had to buy it on time, so the droop fills out a questionnaire. His name, name of his wife. Where he works, he fills it all out. Never dreaming they'd call over here to check up. That's Waldo. Well, they do call. I'm not in the office. Mr. Pell talks to them. No say no more, my dear. This is calamitous. Mr. Pells just now stormed out to get Waldo, shouting in for me perfidy. And two other words I didn't even understand. Well, Mr. O'Reilly, what are you going to do about it? What am I going to do? Yes, you got us into this, you did. Yeah, I suppose I did. Well, I'll get you out, my dear. Now don't you worry, didn't I save the boys some discourageous chikamaga, flute-mouthed cassidy. Well, you said you did anyway. Oh, they only had me colonel to talk to now. He passed from our story the luck of Kalani, starring Barry Fitzgerald, to bring you an important message from our government. Let's face it, men, day after tomorrow, as history develops, a man with wings will be the man with a future. Many young men of today who are aware of this have taken a step that will give them wings. These young men have signed up for the United States Air Force Aviation Cadet Training. At the close of the course, when they have completed the training successfully, they will receive their pilot's wings and a commission as second lieutenant in the U.S. Air Force Reserve. And they will be ordered on active duty at once. Outstanding graduates will receive regular commissions in the Air Force immediately, while others will have the opportunity to qualify for a regular commission while they're on active duty. Here, then, is a future for most young men with their eyes on the sky. The requirements are that you be between the ages of 20 and 26 and 1 half, that you are single with two years of college or the equivalent, that you are physically fit. As an aviation cadet, you'll be on your way to a great career. As an aviation cadet, you'll be opening the door to a bright future. Find out now if you qualify. Get your application today at your nearest Air Force Base or U.S. Army and U.S. Air Force Recruiting Station. The curtain rises on Act II of the Luck of Kalarney, starring Barry Fitzgerald as Tom O'Reilly. There is considerable suspense in the office of Brighton Pells, efficiency expert and acting general manager of King's Department Store, one of the branches of the national chain. For Mr. Pells, who was unanimously voted heel of the month by King's employees, has discovered that his secretary, Edith Winston, has been secretly married to Waldo the mail clerk. A marriage which violates Mr. Pell's strict edict, no man and wife employees in the store. In Pell's office, Edith and the venerable Tom O'Reilly look up as Mr. Pells enters, dragging Waldo by the ear. Well, Waldo, let me go. Is that woman standing there, my secretary? Is she your wife? She's my wife. Oh, Waldo, you had to go and buy an electric train. There, there, sir, and you jumped the gun on me. How was I to know? No, I should discharge both of you. But Mrs. Waldo has been loyal and efficient. And sometimes how can a fragile woman withstand brute men? Now listen. Easy, easy, Waldo. Mrs. Waldo, you may remain as my secretary. Waldo, come with me. I'll get you your wizards. Why, you're a psych, and that's what I ought to do. Why, Waldo, what's come over you? Easy, lad, hold your temper. Now there was no time to fly off the hand. Mr. O'Reilly's right. I mean, Waldo, I'm coming. Well, at least one of you is still working. Yes, and it's a good thing, too. But when Mr. Pells finds out I'm going to have a baby. Yeah, there, me day. Now don't you fret. Everything will work out, I'm sure. Oh, you always say that. Well, that's my philosophy. That's what kept me spirits up when flute-mouthed Cassidy was blasting us out of the bags with a snoring, and we were trying to quiet him. Well, it's the best way to look at things, all right. Sure. Oh, but it'll give me great pleasure, like Waldo, to punch him on the nose. Just once. But sometimes it's better to retreat with valor than to advance when you know you can't win. Well, check with you tomorrow, Eater. Well, morning. What's Cooke? Well, quite a bit, Mr. O'Reilly. Mr. Pells hasn't filled Waldo's job yet. Oh, that's good news. Isn't it? And something else. Mr. Pells may go to the Toledo store. No, I really. Yes. Well, enough on our side. It's all my hope. Well, right away, according to the teletype, the front office wants it. They're just waiting for confirmation from Toledo. No, isn't that great? You see, what I tell you, everything works out. It always does. Check with you tomorrow. Has he left yet? No, and he isn't going. He isn't. Toledo won't have him. Oh, I don't blame them a bit. And what's more, he's interviewing men for Waldo's job. Oh, dear me, isn't there a speck of good news? Well, our new manager's coming. His name is Mr. Olson. Olson, really? Well, maybe he's a square shooter. If so, he'll sure see it out away. Well, that's something to hope for. Well, see you in the morning. Has he come yet? Oh, you mean Mr. Olson, the new manager? That's right. He arrives tomorrow. Well, we've got a flitin' chance then. I'm afraid not. Mr. Pells is delighted. He says he and Mr. Olson have worked together before. Oh, me. And they'll surely have Waldo's job filled in a day or so. Has Waldo tried elsewhere to line up something? Yes, but you know how things have tightened up, and you know Waldo. Yes, I know Waldo. Well, it's all but only a challenge to us. But it's almost more than I can bear. He's after you now, Mr. O'Reilly. Me? He says he's going to weed out all the old timers. Old timers? He can never put me in that category. Well, he said he didn't like the way you spoke the day he fired Waldo. He had me look up your folder to get your age. The age? Mr. Pells is inaugurating a new plan. Retiring everyone at 65. Well, let me tell you, he was furious when there wasn't even an application blank on you. When I was hired, there wasn't even a stall. Well, anyway, he's heard you talk about the Spanish-American War. He says if you served in the Spanish-American War, you'd almost have to be over 65. Uh-uh. Maybe you better tip off your buddies to keep mum, huh? Yeah, I'll do that by all means. Better be prepared for Mr. Pells. He's really gunning for you. You sent for me, Mr. Pells? Yes, O'Reilly. Back in the Dark Ages, when you were first hired by this company, they didn't keep complete records. I wonder if you'd give me the date of your birth? Me, uh, me birthday. That's right. Well, no, I don't. Rightly to the core. Oh, come now, O'Reilly. Yeah, but I don't. Surely you must remember? Yeah, but I don't. And you're being unfair to ask it. Oh, I am. Now, you're asking a man to remember something that happened back before the Dark Ages. Now, O'Reilly, I'll stand for no flippancy. However, if you want to know how old I am, really, Mr. Pells. Well, that's better. Well, a man is as old as he feels, and I feel about 27. Now, listen, O'Reilly. Tell me this. Are you or are you not a veteran of the Spanish-American War? That question sounds entirely random. Oh, it does. Well, then listen. I call for the roster of veterans of the Spanish-American War, and they won't send it. Yeah, though, I'd prefer that, I'm sure. Do you have anything to do with it? I don't understand you. Now, you listen to me, O'Reilly. With my own ears, I've heard you talk about the barracks at Chickamauga of embarking at Tampa for Cuba. Mr. Pells amongst me many past accomplishments, I was once a Royce of a fiction. The habit sometimes takes over me speech. Oh, O'Reilly, you bother me. Oh, excuse me, sir, but there's a man here who insists on seeing Mr. O'Reilly. Well, upon me, O'Reilly, I've been following you, I did. Tommy O'Reilly, you son of a gun. Sure, I'm glad to see you. Oh, as I live and breathe, it's flute mode capacity. And did I have trouble finding you while the boys here wouldn't tell me a thing? The boy? Well, you've got them all buffalored like you used to have them at Chickamauga. Did you say Chickamauga? No, no, flute, flute, flute. Please, please, please. If I please what? Don't these people know you won the war in 98 single-handed? You always used to say you did. Oh, dear. Flute mode. If the boys here in town wouldn't tell you where I am, how did you phone me? Well, the national roster's got you listed, Tom. I always carried one when I had to do a play. It helps outlooking up the boys. Flute mode. It was a pain in the neck 50 years ago and you haven't changed a bit since. Take him out, Egypt. I want to speak to Mr. Pells alone. Well, Tom, I didn't mean to be a botanist or anything, of course. Well, O'Reilly, then you did serve a hitch in the army. Yes, Mr. Pells. And I've often wished I served a dozen more. Mr. Pells, you can't blame me for it being a defender of my job. I cannot count on sprivarication in any form. I didn't, for a barricade. Mr. Pells, I merely evaded the question. One is as bad as the other. You can be assured I'll rush your retirement papers through. I know, please, Mr. Pells. And pointy-gears, I'm an old man. I know what I'm sufficient for my job. Statistics prove, O'Reilly, 65 is the optimum retirement age. And you are well over that. Yes, I am, but, Mr. Pells, listen to me. Never before in my life have I obeyed a man for anything, but I'm begging you to give me my job. It's really what keeps an old man gone. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry, O'Reilly. It's always difficult to turn a firehorse out to pasture, but we'll make it as painless as possible. I think I can have you ready to leave by tomorrow night. Very well. I have no more arguments in here. Tomorrow is me last day. Oh, Mr. O'Reilly, I'm so sorry. Where's Flutemouth? He's waiting down the hall. Oh, he can't wait to leave. He'll get me hands on them. Well, there he'll see you in the morning. Good morning, dear. Why, Mr. O'Reilly, you sound so happy. Well, I'm why can't a man be happy? Well, yes, but after all, this is your last day. Ah, no, I think I'll stick around a bit. Stick around? As a man of faith, he just called Waldo and told him to report back to his old job. Waldo? Mr. O'Reilly, did you and Flutemouth have a fight last night? Were you hit in the head? Flutemouth? No, not with that wonderful lad. Oh, wonderful lad. Yeah, I had dinner with him last night. Ah, he's a lovely boy. Yes, he moved to town with his daughter, a sweeter girl as Cassidy ever produced. Aye, aye, I don't understand. Well, she married a sweet and he fixed us up a lovely dish. Oh, you smorgasbord. Good morning, Mrs. Waldo. Oh, I'm two minutes late. I'm sorry. I had to stop at a drugstore for an aspen headache. That is an only headache you're going to have. What's that, O'Reilly? Oh, to me, were you a fool, I got to sweep this floor. Why, ma'am, are you insane? Mr. O'Reilly. Oh, he said, out of me, I'll tell him before I smack you with the business end of this room. This man's crazy. I'll have the store police eject him. I'll report this to our new general manager, Mr. Oateson. Wait a minute, Mr. O'Reilly. Flutemouth's daughter, you say, is married to a swede? Our new general, Manjum Stoulson. Oh, Mr. O'Reilly, that's wonderful. Yes, I met the lad last night. I had a long talk with him about certain affairs of the store. Pills in particular. Needless to say, we were in perfect agreement. Hello, darling. Oh, darling, it's true. You're starting back to work. Oh, Mr. O'Reilly, what do you think Mr. Oateson will do to Mr. Pell? Well, I made him promise not to commit ma'am. But I don't understand. Mr. Pell said they'd worked together before. Yeah, correct. That's why Mr. Oateson swears they'll never work together again. Oh, it's a lovely day indeed if you look at the sunshine, isn't it? The curtain falls and the final act of the luck of the clarity. Our star, Barry Fitzgerald, will return for a curtain call after this timely message from Wendell Niles. There are thousands of men in the United States to whom the term triple-A has a special meaning. They are the veterans of the anti-aircraft artillery of the armed services. This communication is specially for them. You see, you triple-A veterans, of all the armed services, your skills are needed now by the anti-aircraft artillery outfits of the U.S. Army. Enlistment now means you will help bring the triple-A up to its proper strength. And to you personally, it means a secure and exciting future. Experienced triple-A veterans will be enlisted in grades according to scale and length of service. In many cases, you'll be able to get back your old grade and to rejoin your old outfit. And more. The peacetime United States Army offers you benefits possible only in an Army career. Interesting, exciting work at good pay. Food, clothing, quarters, and medical care. So think this over, you veterans of the triple-A. Your old anti-aircraft artillery outfit has a vacancy for you now. Your special skills can help keep our country at peace. An Army career is open for you. Visit your local United States Army recruiting station today. Now once again, our star Barry Fitzgerald and our producer. Motion picture audiences have come to regard Barry Fitzgerald as one of the deans of Hollywood character actors, a lovable man, pipe in mouth, heart of gold beneath a salty disposition. I'll tell you, C.B., it's my golf game that does it. Oh, I had the disposition of a saint before I took it up. I know exactly what you mean. Well, Barry, it's a real pleasure to have you back on another proudly we hail. You know, a character from the old sod, lovable, high integrity. Yeah, yes. If that's anything to do with knocking off a couple of stokes here and there off my scorecard, well, yeah, I'm there. Sure. What's a few strokes between friends? Oh, nothing. Just cross for me. If you knock off as many as I do. You should go a couple of rounds with Crosby and Hope. Yeah, I should, but I won't anymore. You won't? Why? Well, they won't let me. What you said a while ago, integrity. Integrity? Hope and Crosby? On or me. And I won't play unless I can keep score. I think I'm beginning to understand. I could show those two whippers and uppers a thing or two. I don't doubt it. Yeah, they say my trees look like eights on their cards. They're plain enough on mine. Why, they never made a three in their lives. Well, that's what I came on telling them. But you made yours fairly. Oh, as honest as Patty's big. Then I imagine they didn't get a little upset. They're a little upset and have a CP. You know that I'm the most tempered man in the world. Sure. Look, those two act like a couple of dervishes if you never offer a stoker to them. They take their golf seriously. Oh, it's life and death of the man. You think they couldn't afford to pay me a few dollars a hold? Well, Barry, you come out to my club with me tomorrow. There won't be any argument. Yes, sure, I know that. You're a sensible man. But I keep score, man. Doesn't tell me who's playing here in your theatre next time. Next week, Barry and ladies and gentlemen, the highly talented actor Barry Sullivan will be our star in a comedy titled The Martins and the McCoys. It is a bright story of the New York theatre and the elements that comprise that world of entertainment, their feuds and their jealousies. Sure. And I'll be listening. Goodbye, CP. Goodbye, Barry Fitzgerald. Be sure to join us next week, ladies and gentlemen, when we bring you Barry Sullivan in The Martins and the McCoys. Until then, this is CP McGregor saying thanks for listening and cheerio from Hollywood. Barry Fitzgerald appears with the courtesy of the Hollywood Coordinating Committee, with the arranging for the appearance of all stars on this program. Scripted by Rich Hall, the music under the direction of Eddie Scravanne. The program is transcribed in Hollywood for release at this time. Wendell Niles speaking.