 Are you feeling burnt out from the dating apps? Look, I get it. And I'm going to suggest something in a few minutes because I can observe that many human beings, whether you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s and even 70s, are feeling rather frustrated with the dating apps, mainly. And like we can go through the litany of things that are, you know, that we might have issue with it. But I want to share something with you that hopefully will shift this narrative for you and maybe trying what I'm about to suggest in a moment could make a big difference for you. So I want to read to you a post I did on Instagram yesterday. And it says, in full transparency, I'm burnt out by the dating process in general. I wish I could bypass it, go straight into a relationship or better yet, go straight into falling in love. Why is it called dating when just meeting someone for the first time feels daunting? From swiping to boring text conversations to no attraction when you meet in person. It's only really even dating if you see someone multiple times. Given that these days most likely 70% of all new relationships happen through some sort of online connection, why do humans curate such poor effort when using this medium? Why are dating profiles created with such apathy? If falling in love is the end goal and a real true desire within a person, wouldn't it make sense to make fantastic effort right from the get go? In truth, I feel like a cynic. And yet I hold space that there's at least one extraordinary woman out there for me who sees my profile and says, wow, I wanna meet this person and better yet, I better bring my A game. I better bring my A game. And by the way, the meme that goes with this post says, if you're looking for a needle in a haystack, try becoming an electromagnet, okay? So I wanna dive into the frustration many of us are feeling with the online dating world. And I've been wondering, this is gonna sound like a radical thought. So just bear with me for a moment. But I wonder if the dating apps were designed to punish the human psyche, to punish the human psyche. Maybe it reveals a deeper, so okay, so let me tell you why. First off, it's kind of interesting. I think statistics say that women are only swiping right on about 5% of the male population, something like that, 4.6% or something. So basically all the best men are getting all the action. They're getting 90% of the women out there if they choose to want to be with them. And the balance of men are not getting any action, so to speak. And I don't mean action in the physical sense of sex. I just mean any opportunities. What's interesting, they claim that roughly men swipe right 60% of the time. But then again, I think men's desire for sex oftentimes makes them swipe or their desire to feel some level of connection with another person. In other words, the dopamine hit that happens when we match up with someone. So I don't feel like that's truly genuine in that sense. Men just happen to swipe on 60% of the women. I don't think they're being very discerning when they do that. But the problem with, now, and here's the thing, someone once asked me, which is the best dating app? And I say they're all the dating apps are the best. The problem is people. See, I look at dating profiles of women and men and they're so poorly done, it's no wonder that they're not attracting somebody that might be of interest in them. In other words, the quality of the photographs, the effort they make when there is an actual matchup with someone is rather poor. And here's the funny thing. Everybody thinks they're the exception. Every woman I speak to when I review their dating profile seems to think that that photograph that they chose, which is out of focus, a picture of the sushi plate they put right next to their face and somehow that's going to attract someone. So I think the challenge with dating apps is the amount, the apathy and the effort people are putting into it. But really we have to get into the deeper issue that's going on here. And I said a moment ago, maybe dating apps were designed to punish the human psyche. Maybe the process of dating the, and when I say dating, let's just forget the word dating. How about just meeting somebody to go out on a date? Just actually meeting someone that might be of genuine interest. That seems daunting certainly for those of us in our 40s, 50s, 60s and even 70s. It's just getting a date seems like a challenge. And the amount of effort somebody puts into the interaction feels like a challenge. And I wonder if maybe this is all because we are in a new evolution of human behavior, human psyche. I think the whole process of dating triggers the number one emotional health issue faced with most everybody and that is, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. I truly believe that the pain many human beings are suffering on the inside in the sense of feeling rather alone to some degree causes that feeling of being, let me reframe the word alone. Let's reframe that to being by yourself. I think we here in the United States don't live in environments where we're surrounded by people who love us and many of us are living lives that are rather lonely by ourselves, unfulfilled because we as human beings need connection with other people. And since we no longer live in this kind of tribe environment where we're surrounded by people who genuinely care for us day in, day out, not to suggest many of you don't have good friends in your life, but I mean day in, day out love because you're hanging out with people who care about you. I know my 20s that happen frequently, certainly in my late teens and early 20s, I was surrounded by my friends, but eventually like many people, I followed the program and go to college, get a job, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, start a family. Whether you're a man or a woman, we work rather program that way. And for many of us in midlife we're divorced and we find ourselves by ourselves, whether you're a man or a woman. And I think the minute we put ourselves out in the dating apps, which is this great opportunity to connect with people, and yet humans are so rather hurting that it's just they're bouncing off of the dysfunction that's going on right here, going on in this world if we live in. So what's gonna change all this? Well, I'm gonna invite everyone to start being optimistic about finding love, about being optimistic, not to the point of Pollyanna optimistic, but really being optimistic from a place that you can actually attract a really special human being in your life. I want you to have this vision of really holding space for someone really special that you can get along with, that you can meet each other's needs, that you balance out your strengths and your weaknesses, where you match up in your lifestyles and values and emotional maturity. I invite you to hold that vision that that exists for you from a truly optimistic place. And then I'm gonna invite you to say the following going forward, whether you're a man or woman, I want you to say the following. The right person will find me organically, the right person will find me organically, the right person will find me organically, the right person will find me organically. I want you to hold such a vision that the right person will meet you in some sort of fashion. Let's add to that organically or online, let's just change it, it doesn't matter. The right person will find me, the right person will find me, the right person will find me. I want you to hold that vision, that space. And if you can do that for just 28 days to hold that space, that right person will find me. And if you can hold that optimistic vision, I think we have a greater chance for success because I'm, as I said in the post I read to you, I'm feeling like a cynic. It's funny, I often watch content from John Gottman or the Gottman Institute and Esther Perrell. And so many relationship coaches or relationship therapists and coaches out there, but you know what? And some of them talk about dating, but they really don't get into the meeting process. Not one of them, like I love the Gottmans, but not one of them has any effing clue what it's like for those of us in midlife to try to even meet someone to go out on a date. And the challenges we're faced with. And I'm not discounting them whatsoever, but many of you who follow me and I'm in the same boat with you, so I get it. To really unravel the emotional effects of this process. And the daunting part of the process is that we are, as I said, I've said this in videos, we're swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality. This is why I'm such a big proponent of human beings. Read my book called, What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway? A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Help in Spiritual Work. I'm such a proponent of doing the inner work to create that life within oneself, to create the skills needed to actually lean into a healthy, happy relationship. My book doesn't cover that, but I'm just saying it's a gateway to feeling more in that optimistic space. And that's what I want you to try going forward. I originally said, the right man will find me or the right person will find me organically, the right person will find me virtually. Well, I'm just simply want to shift that to the right person will find me. And I want you to hold that vision for the next 28 days and see if maybe something interesting comes from it. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. As always, if you find value in my videos, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. Also, if you want to connect with me, there's links below the schedule discovery call with me. See if working with a coach is right for you. Hey, listen, I'm live today. So because I'm live, it's time for Q and A. If you have a question of me, let's talk about this, write the word question, then post the question there after. Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat because a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there with me and his brother. It's my son who passed away over five years ago and his honor we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and scholarships and coaching. So let's have some fun today. I'm gonna be chatting for the next 20 minutes. All right, let's see. Brown Canida says chronic narcissist personality disorder due to lack of community. You know, I do believe that genuine narcissist what I know of it, and this is not a fact, stems from deep trauma in childhood that causes a person to create a world within their world, if you will, that blocks out that compassion, that empathy, that regard for other human beings. And I suspect maybe that is a result of not being raised in a community by being raised with some really challenging parents. I was watching the movie last night called Split, M Night Shemalong. I never pronounce his right name properly with James McAvoy and has 24 different personalities. And I mean, distinct personalities. And I think we all, and it was stems from a absolutely abusive mother in his life. And while most of us didn't have that form of abuse, even garden variety, general, you know, parenting can cause deep emotional harm to a child that translates into adult behavior that is rather dysfunctional. You know, I don't think my mom intentionally meant to hurt me emotionally speaking, but I am still cleaning up a lot of, or I'm peeling the layer of a lot of stuff that relates to my mother, my father, their belief systems. I mean, and then we can get into ancestral trauma. And, you know, I mean, there's so many different variables. This is why I'm such a big proponent of doing the inner work. Okay, Gigi's in the house. If you're in your 20s and 30s, we partner with someone to have a family, then why can't we partner with someone to have a retirement in our 60s? Maybe happy, healthy relationship is a pipe dream. Well, the difference between our 20s and 30s, Gigi, is in your 20s and 30s, you're a blank sheet of paper and you have an end goal. Retirement is a whole different ball game and it requires a lot more moving parts to fit together. This is one of the challenges. This happens to do geography, geographically speaking. Are there like, for example, I look at women's dating profiles and they're skiing, they're mountain biking, they're repelling off of mountains and such like that. And I'm like, that's not who might, that's not me. I'm not that athletic. I'm kind of a Netflix and hang out and explore the inner world kind of guy. And some people have different lifestyles. So that's where there's a greater challenge for those of us. And then you might have grandchildren. You might be babysitting grandchildren. You might have health issues where you need to be taken to the doctor. And there's a lot more stuff going on for the 60 year olds that the 20 and 30 year olds aren't even dealing with. And then all of our emotional baggage surface right around at age 40. Do you know why it's called midlife crisis? Because right around age 40, all of our emotional baggage that went unhealed in childhood or in our early phase of adulthood begins to surface. Is it a pipe dream? No, there are plent. Listen, I spent time with a group of men last weekend of which all of them, most of them, excuse me, all but one was over 50. Six of them married, five of them met their partners online. Five of them met them online, okay? Actually one of them wasn't married but he met his partner online. So, and by the way, all good men, it exists. We have to be more optimistic. The right person will find you, Gigi. The right person will find you. Betty says, Jonathan loved your Facebook today with live with gratitude. Well, that post, I'm gonna read that to everyone. That was today's post, the one I spoke of yesterday. Let me read it to everybody. The post says the following. Yesterday I was processing some heavy stuff with a dear friend of mine who is a big brain like Sam Harris or Jordan Peterson with a giant heart. Honestly, I feel so blessed to have a friend like him in my life. Lately I've been exploring whether or not I'm a cynic or just feeling down about the dating process and trying to find my way back to optimism. It's a double-edged sword for me as both a single person and a dating coach witnessing so many people confuse unhealthy attachment with love, including myself. As we discussed my emotional state, he reminded me that self-love requires gratitude. The state of gratitude is a powerful force in every facet of life, especially when dating and eventually being in a relationship. Tapping into gratitude is the pathway to abundance in life, which is why I'm going to make this my primary focus, even when pointing out the inevitable challenges of dating, mating, relating. Who is here with me? Yes. I jokingly say it's a clusterfuck out there. I appreciate that some of you don't mind my expletives. I get it. I'd rather be aware of the potholes than not. I'd rather be aware of them and then I can choose whether or not I'm gonna fall into the pothole and that is despair, frustration, upset, anger, disappointment. I wanna invite everyone to listen for the women who follow my channel, for the men who follow my channel, it's raining great men, it's raining great women, it's raining great men, it's raining great women, it's raining great men, it's raining great women. I invite you all to shift that inner dialogue right now, right this moment. Are you willing to do that? Please hit that like button this moment if you're willing to shift that inner narrative right now. Okay. Stephanie says you got to love yourself and your own company. It's easy as an introvert to love being by myself. I think there's a real, you know what, actually I, for the most part, I enjoy my own company. I mean, you know what's nice is I get to do things on my terms. I'm not having to, listen, there's these, especially for men, there's grand expectation that, you know, we're the leaders of the relationship and we have to drive the bus. You know, sometimes I don't want to drive the bus. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I certainly don't like driving the bus when she doesn't like where it's going. You know, women and men can be sometimes problematic to please, okay? This is why having deeper conversations early on might create greater opportunity for connection. Recently in a video, I said, I did a video, can a man fall in love? Can a man over 40 fall in love? And I invite you all to ask these questions of men and women. Do you want to build a life with somebody? What does that look like? Like coming back to Gigi's question is do you want to build a life with somebody and what does that look like? Find out how they want to curate their life day in, day out, pull out a calendar and say, if we're dating, this is what I want it to look like. Do you want to take care of someone? It's a really big question, especially for those of us in our 40s, 50s, 60s, and even 70s. And how does that look? And then lastly, what makes you think you're ready for commitment? These are great questions to ask someone in the, by the way, I'd say ask these questions before even going on a first date with someone. That's my opinion anyway. But Jonathan, but Jonathan, every dating goat says you do not interview someone. I say interrogate people, I say it tongue in cheek, but find out as much as you can before you invest time in someone where you're misaligned with one another. That's just my opinion anyway. Jody writes, in the middle of your book, love it. I had a date the end of this month with a man I met online. I'm 61, he's 69. He's widowed for three years, we've been talking. He seems like a really nice taking a risk. Yay for Jody, she's taking a risk. Big hugs to you. KK writes, question, what do you people do? What did people do before internet dating? Perhaps to go back to that mindset. Yeah, I think certainly. Okay, I don't know if you were like me. When I was in my 20s, every Friday, Saturday night, go out to bars, pick up chicks. Go out to bars, pick up chicks. Go out to bars, pick up chicks. Meet dancing. An alcohol can make someone make poor judgment, mostly women. I mean, for us men, it was a woman makes poor judgment and the other way around. Yeah, that's the old fashioned way, at least in the 80s and 90s before internet. But the mindset was go out and meet people. Just heart, and then let's own the fact that it's harder as we age. All right, beach lover just wrote, the benefit of living alone is that you get to decide everything for yourself. There's no compromise. Pleasing others is what brought me here. Time to focus on what I want, or at least make agreements with one another to do things like actually say, I wanna do it the other person. What care, you know, part of love is saying, you know what, I may not wanna do this, but I wanna do it because they wanna do it. And both operating from a place of being givers, not takers. Jody, and he asked, where do I want to live if we wanna connect? Love that he asked that. Okay, this is going back to your previous question. Okay, thank you. Robin is in the house. Jonathan, question. Jonathan, in a long distance relationship, is it a red flag? If my fiance wants me to move away from my son, family and sons, by the way, their father has passed away. Well, I don't like the way you frame that. If he wants you to move with him, that's a fair request, okay? That's not moving away from your family and sons, that's moving towards him. The two of you entered into a long distance dating dynamic, that was the red flag, the fact that he wants to move in, and that's a green flag because he wants to build a life with you. Now you have to face the real question is, do you wanna build a life with him outside of your family? But you made the choice to get into the long distance, so don't make it out like he wants me to move away and that's a red flag, the red flag, that's a green flag, in my opinion, if I understand the question correctly. Hey, I wanna thank Rosa for the $5 super sticker. Hey, we'd love to get some love, our goal is $50 today. So thank you so much. Sarah's in a house. If you want to do it because that's the right thing to do, then do it. This is going back to I'm assuming Robin's question about moving, that's how you should view it. By the way, Pixie says those are really good questions, I wanna go back to those questions if a man or woman can love. Do you wanna build a life with somebody? If you do, what does that look like? Do you wanna take care of somebody? How does that look for you? And what makes you think you're ready for commitment? I love the question, what makes you think you're ready for commitment? I realized in my last most significant relationship, I'm ready to take care of somebody. When you know you're ready to take, not just generally anybody, but when you know you're in that space, you wanna take care of someone, that's a great sign you're ready for commitment. But Jonathan, I don't wanna be a nurse or a purse, or Jonathan, I don't want to be, I don't want a sugar baby, I get it. For some of you, that may not be a fit, but you ultimately, what's the point of meeting? What's the point of dating? What's the point of relationship? If you don't have an end goal, recognizing that we're all gonna get old someday and taking care of someone is part of the process. That's a big question. If you're not ready to take care of somebody, then you're not ready for full-blown commitment. You're just ready for companionship, connection, and sense. That's my opinion anyway. Hey, Willem, just gave us a $10 super sticker. Thank you so much. That means we're $35 away from our goal of $50. All right, what else do we have here? Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. Come on, give me some stuff to talk about. I need some questions in the chat box. Otherwise, we're gonna be wrapping up rather early. Rebel says, desiring a healthy way to share yourself, caring for someone, and expecting in return. Yeah, to the extent expecting it return or healthy reciprocity. I believe a lot of people don't recognize the importance of healthy reciprocity. Being reciprocal, reciprocal with one another. See, to me, healthy love is really being, it's when two givers get together. And sadly that we have so many wounded people out there that makes it difficult for them to give. This is why discernment is so critically important in the dating, mating, and relating process. And by the way, there's a link right here. That's what I teach, is discernment, okay? Hey, I wanna thank Beach Lover for the $10 Super Sticker, thank you so much. Candy wants to know, how did your person event go, my in-person event? It went really well. I gotta tell you, I had a lot of fun. There was, I think, 22 people. There was like five guys, the rest women. I think everyone found value in the presentation I gave. There was some mingling going on. I thought it was fun. And I believe everyone felt the same way. Linda says, hi, Jonathan, this is Linda from your previous Hot Seat episode. I couldn't deal with that guy, especially since he kept saying okey-dokey all the time. He was nerdy. Hey, are you willing to get on the Hot Seat right now and share that, talk about it right now? I'm gonna put a link right here if you wanna join the Hot Seat. So, what Linda's talking about is she did meet a guy, it was someone I met out in real life where she was on a second date with someone and then she got on the Hot Seat with everybody. We just posted that video yesterday in my playlist, my uploaded playlist versus my live playlist. And she said that she didn't feel a spark with them should she date him. She's now given us an update to say, okay, and she said, I couldn't deal with that guy, especially since he kept saying okey-dokey all the time. He was just so nerdy. You know, I'm sad to hear that. You know, we can pick apart any human being and find flaws with them. It's kind of the nature of the dysfunctionality we're dealing with. Genuine love is about appreciating someone appreciating someone even in the things we don't like in another human being. That's genuine love. I recognize that he wasn't your fit and that's okay. I just felt like he was a really good man. And I think when you have a good man, those are people you should give chance to, but I get it. Look it, if you didn't have a spark, if it was a turn off. Hey, listen, Linda, you told me you're most attracted to the bad boys that treat you like crap. I'm just suggesting maybe try a nice guy that may be a little bit nerdy. Okay, that's my invitation for you. All right, hey, listen, this was a quick live stream. I wanted to get everyone on. Did you, hey, listen, if there's something you'd like to share about what I talked about, post a comment below. I'd like to hear all your thoughts. As always, if you find value in my videos, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit the notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And always, if you wanna connect with me directly, check out the links below to schedule a discovery call with me to find me on Instagram, all that good stuff and wanna get props to Sharon right here. I wanna thank you for calming my insecurities about my boyfriend. Just keep being real. I'll do my best and keep being real. All right. Oh wait, beach lover just popped in. If you're a natural caregiver with everyone, how do you figure out if you should move forward with someone who only has a few things they're dealing with? I don't wanna waste my time. You know, if I met the love of my life today and she only had a year to live, I'd probably do it. I mean, that's just me. I think I would probably do it. But that would require her being the love of my life. I guess, that's how I feel. I guess I would do it. But you have to decide for yourself what matters most for you. All right, folks, I'm gonna wrap up this video. Oh, by the way, Linda says, I like men who are masculine. Folks, I don't consider myself masculine. I don't consider myself feminine. I just consider myself a human being a person. I don't like the whole defining people into categories like that. But that's just me, Linda. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrog of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone. That, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank everyone who donated today. I wanna thank Linda, beach lover, Rebel, Sharon, Wilma, Rosa, everyone. Thank you so much for the love. Have a wonderful, fantastic.